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You fuck up!

Continuing on my path of good highs and epic lows,  the cycle continues. I seem hell bent on making life miserable for myself in any way possible. Finally I have found something I am really good at..... Fucking up! "Never be like you"  by Flume is a really good soundtrack for my feelings right now.

If I could help myself even one tenth of the way I screw my life up,  I would be in a much better place.

My mind is spinning,  my thoughts are self destructive,  and my deep seated intentions seem to be to ensure I stay as fucked up and alone as possible.
Is it possible I am hoping to find happiness in the misery I create for myself? Or am I just out of control in my own tiny mind?

Running away from everything seems like the only way,  slamming doors shut,  closing  out uncertainty,  protecting myself from the unknown. The downside being shutting out people I want and need in my life,  and isolating myself from things that bring me joy.

Right now I know no other way,  and don't want anyone to prove me wrong,  or show me hope.

Fuck up!

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