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Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd breathe…

..or not as in my mums case right now.
I have taken a day off today to try and finally start tackling this whole hospital/doctor thing with mum, and rather than rushing at her, and having a heated conversation with limited time, I can just talk, nicely with her about it and try and talk her round to at least trying to tackle the breathing thing.

Granted, now she has a cold too, its going to mask some of the underlying issues for the time being. But ultimately she needs to get seen by someone, or the future is bleak right now.
I have come to terms with and accepted her wish to let the cancer run its course. I have spoken to the doctors and have an idea of what to expect as that gets worse, and have accepted that. But the bit I have not signed up for just yet is the struggling to breathe, fighting for air, and total immobility caused by this "oh I give up" attitude towards her breathing.

As I write this she is in the kitchen, smoking and choking away with the little air she can get into her lungs, if that's not giving up, I don't know what is. Because of this, spending time with her is becoming difficult. Trying to get her out for lunch or other such simple things for her to enjoy are just impossible now.

So the plan, well I don't actually have one. I want her to see a GP, but at the same time I would really like her to get referred to the hospital again, and maybe a short stay there to get some treatment, nebulisers, medication she cant avoid, and cut down on the smoking for now. This is honestly worse than knowing she has a terminal illness. Watching her just wasting away is heartbreaking to say the least.

Also today, between bouts with mother, I have to get to the housing office too, to get the paperwork sorted out for the house. Get some shopping in for mum as she appears to have run out of all kinds of food, not that she eats of course, it all tastes so foul and she can eat a thing.... yeah right!
The dogs will need their morning walk too, which today I think will have music playing through headphones too. Its strange, as much as I love being out with the dogs, in the fresh air, getting the heart going.... It drives me mad! Why? Simple, all that time to think, and I spend an hour and a half just stewing about stuff, winding myself up, running scenario's through my head, arguing with people in my head. Music silences the voices lol.

Right, I'm ready for battle..... let battle commence.

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