Category: Uncategorized

Sometimes it is good to have a little time out, some "you time", in order to see things with the clarity they deserve.
Recently I have been a little blinkered by projects and other goings on, and have missed some things which deserved a little better attention. Diving head first into things at work, as well as other projects in the community, I have lost my mind in there somewhere. Over this weekend I have reclaimed my rights as an individual, and started to look after myself again.

Now you may think that with all the cycling, running, and events, I think quite enough about myself already, and to be fair you would probably be right, to a degree at least. There is a lot more to life than just beating the hell out of yourself day in, day out. Then of course there is the toll that has possibly taken on me too, and its impact on my day to day life.

Namely the back issues I am having. Following a second week with the chiropractor, I would love to say all is well, but painkillers still play an important role in my daily routine. Taking them at timed intervals rather than once it gets too bad, I keep the worst of it away. But trying to remain interested and active with all that going on has proven quite the challenge. A challenge which I have failed in so far. Failed might be a bit of a harsh word to use I guess, there is a lot of pain and discomfort involved. So avoiding antagonising it is probably a good thing.

At the end of the second week of treatment the Chiropractor said she feels we are making progress, but there is a long way to go yet. To some that might feel like I am being strung along, but being along for the ride tells me otherwise. Yes the level of discomfort is higher from time to time. But I quite happily believe that this is due to movement being regained in the joints, and everything releasing then spasaming again. For now, I am going with the flow, and hope to see some improvement in the coming month.

Of course there is also the 100 mile bike ride coming up at the end of this month too now, which for the main part I am not bothered by. I still believe cycling is not one of the major triggers for my back, if anything it helps it a bit. So that isn't a worry, for now.  There is also the lack of activity over recent weeks, which does indeed have a negative effect. I imagine my running is terrible night now, and even my walking has taken a beating. Needless to say I have gained some weight, which I am not happy with. Mainly due to my junk food binges to make myself feel "better"

Anyway, that is the physical side of things for me, then of course there is the mental.
For the first time in ages I feel like I have regained some control over my life. Not quite sure where that has come from. Just confidence to be my own man. Maybe it is a summer thing where all the things inside the body fire back up again and start to give you confidence and motivation. Maybe it is a combo of the meds, could even be the rest from the rushing around everyday. Maybe that is it, I have over done it?

Whatever the case, when I get back into living my life properly again, there is room for adjustment. Take it a bit easier on myself physically, and mentally.
The next week will be a telling time for me, seeing how my physical and mental state progress from now. Still in a relaxed state, not overdoing it or even coming close. Steps are down to a few thousand a day right now. Trying to go easy on my body. Thoughts are limited as distractions are good for me right now. In fact all feels well in Michaels World.

Bit of a weird entry, sorry about that, but needed to put my thoughts into words.

Continuing on my path of good highs and epic lows,  the cycle continues. I seem hell bent on making life miserable for myself in any way possible. Finally I have found something I am really good at..... Fucking up! "Never be like you"  by Flume is a really good soundtrack for my feelings right now.

If I could help myself even one tenth of the way I screw my life up,  I would be in a much better place.

My mind is spinning,  my thoughts are self destructive,  and my deep seated intentions seem to be to ensure I stay as fucked up and alone as possible.
Is it possible I am hoping to find happiness in the misery I create for myself? Or am I just out of control in my own tiny mind?

Running away from everything seems like the only way,  slamming doors shut,  closing  out uncertainty,  protecting myself from the unknown. The downside being shutting out people I want and need in my life,  and isolating myself from things that bring me joy.

Right now I know no other way,  and don't want anyone to prove me wrong,  or show me hope.

Fuck up!

From a high to a low in an instant. An good day junked  by irrational thought,  and a moon bombing so quickly I can't keep control of it.
Not sure what happened,  the day was going so well,  but in the space of half an hour my mood has dropped to one if it's lowest points to date. Feeling hopeless,  worthless and alone,  and it really sucks.

Not sure what I can do to save myself from myself at the moment,  so the simple solution seems to be sleep. But my mind isn't done with me yet and refuses to let me settle. Hence writing this. Desperately trying to get things out of my head so I can put the day to rest and move on.

A simple event like this can knock me back for days or even weeks. So I'm hoping I wake refreshed and can spend my day avoiding triggers and have a better one tomorrow.

I need this to stop,  it's getting desperate now.

Whatever life throws at us, we always find a way to keep going. Be it casting the problem or matter to one side, or finding a way to deal with it, in such a way that life still feels normal, while underneath it's anything but.
Sadly the ways we find to deal with things are not always ideal and come with baggage. For me this is the usual case, and when it comes to mental issues I regularly rob Peter to pay Paul, never actually tackling the root of the issue. Hence things in my life have a habit of building up and up, til it all just falls back down to earth.

Currently I am in such a situation, confusing dealing with issues, with creating more complexities. It's not a bad thing, but the two issues I am dealing with, depression and anxiety are only temporarily masked periodically, rather than getting to grips with them and leaving them behind me.

Instead of worrying about the initial triggers, I am now left fretting completely irrationally about other things.

I know this is all very cryptic to some, and it is intended that way. I am just trying to openly acknowledge that I am being an over sensitive idiot right now, and should take the time to appreciate things a little more, rather than stressing about them.

Thats all from me for now.

I have been through many phases in my life, and each phase has presented to the world a very different me. From health and fitness nut, to oversized and unhealthy. Popular and outgoing, to despised and hidden from sight, they have all been a version of me. I think though, that each one of these persona's has been to appease someone, or a group of people. Always concious of how people perceive me, I guess the goal being to be accepted and liked. Forum friendly, social media entertainer, day / night out funny guy etc.

With the changes over the past 4-5 years, not to mention the rapid changes over the past 6 months, I can honestly say I have completely lost touch with who I am, or what direction I want to head in. So here we are, a clean slate, Facebook cleared of friends, and deactivated for a while. Hoping my return will be to a smaller, more genuine friend pool, people I know I don't need to impress or be anyone else but myself. But there is so much more to life than Facebook and social media.

I share my whole life with the world, not as a scream for attention, but just as a way of letting go of things. For so long in my life I had my mum to fall back on. Hours spent around the kitchen table, discussing things that bothered me, blowing off steam, and just getting stuff off my chest. When you think about every waking moment of your day, you really do build up some thoughts in your head, some of which you need to get rid of before they consume you. Others are just things that you just need to say once, in the open, just to let it go and be done with.

After mum died, I had my girlfriend who I could talk to, BBM or in the evenings, it was the same sort of thing, sometimes a little intense, but it felt two sided, so didn't seem like a burden. Who knows, maybe that played a part in the eventual demise. And when all else failed, it has always been good to have a small network of friends I can turn to and scream out loud when it all becomes too much. My final resort, to at least put things on the back burner is walking the dogs, or just getting out in the open world. A short escape from the realities of life, but knowing I have to come back to them eventually.

This is where it has become tough for me lately, going for walk after walk, finding each one less satisfying and having to walk further to relax my mind enough to head for home. Reaching a point now where my body is in pain from over doing it, but my mind demands we keep going. Eyes darting around in my head, making things blurry as I walk, unable to focus or pay attention to things, crossing roads can even be problematic if I can't focus for long enough to check its safe. Silly I know but a reality. Crossing at a 3 way junction when my head is spinning is nigh on impossible, going with the eventual leap of faith.

I listen to music too, while walking or training, again keeping the brain occupied on lyrics. Sadly is reaching the point now where I have listened to so much music, while having so many different thoughts, that I have started to build associations with songs to moods. So time to find more music for now I guess. It's the one last escape I have left that doesn't cause me physical discomfort.

All in all, when this reinvention takes place, I need to consider all the above, and find a way to live my life where I offer the friendship and companionship that I always have. Have time to listen to friends, and be there to support them when they need it, but for once, get the balance right and make sure I have the same available to me too, rather than it being a one way street. I am not saying for a second that people don't support me, of course they do, and I am thankful to have some amazing friends out there who have made a huge difference in my life in many ways. But I need to learn to take advantage of what they offer, rather than hiding away and trying to deal with life on my own.

The main groundbreaker for me is realising that I need to live my life for myself. Not in a boo-hoo I'm so lonely way, but in a look after #1 kinda way. Over recent months I have realised that I suffer whenever I put myself to one side, or start trying to please others. I can look at things I have done, which started out to get someones attention, so in that regard I am an attention seeker I guess. But in the most primitive form, and one we all partake in. Unfortunately, once immersed in this act or role, everything else falls to the wayside and my own goals are lost once again. This can last for a few days, or months on end. Either way it disrupts my own life cycle, and  need to stop getting so caught up in other things.

I need a routine which works for me, mentally, physically and emotionally. I need people around me, close by, who just get me, and accept me for who and what I am. Support during lows, and a kick up the arse when I am lacking motivation.  Motivation for things like getting back into shape, as I so badly want to do right now. Another reason for turning away from the distractions of life and social media, so I can focus on myself. Shaping the self destructive behaviour into something more productive, and getting back to a place I can actually start to like myself again, physically at least.

Mentally I loathe myself right now. Disappointing people, not being who they thought I was, unable to maintain friendships and relationship. Unable to connect with those interested in getting to know me, eye contact is a rare thing for me right now, avoiding places with too many people so not to run the risk of conversations etc. My head is a total mess, and going up and down, round and round like a fairground ride. I just want to get off, lay down and let my head settle for a while.

I don't know how much the events of recent days have affected me. I know I have withdrawn, I know I am not being the person people know, and I have a feeling I am somewhat needy right now. Not that I want to be, but stepping back and looking at my actions and behaviour, I can see how that would be perceived. I do know that I have learned valuable lessons recently, and I need to take them and grow from them, if I want to carry on in the direction I want my life to go in. Uncomplicated, pure, and under my own control.

So that is where I am heading for my next existence, when released from this temporary hold on life, I hope to come back stronger, mentally and physically. To disappoint less, to achieve more, and to treasure the valuable friendships I have in my life.

Thanks for reading, see you on the other side..

PS, might be later than Tuesday 5th now

All friends now deleted from Facebook. Account will become deactivated tomorrow for a few days. Maybe more if my tiny mind needs it.

Available on all other methods, apart from Twitter. So email, WhatsApp, BBM, SMS.

I know this seems really strange, and will have a mixed reaction. I know it already has, with some not getting the gist of what I am trying to do, but hopefully I will achieve its main goal, which is to start many things afresh, which a lot of are all interconnected on Facebook.

If I have 50 friends on my list by this time next week (if I'm back on by then) I will feel blessed.

Let's address the elephant in the room first, me and Facebook. You may, or may not have seen a recent status which says I am deleting everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, from my friends list. I am not sulking, trying to get attention, or passively dump a few people off the list, it is simply something I have needed to do for a long time now.
There are people on these who passed away, some quite a few years ago now, there are people I no longer speak with, others are there for the sake of being there, and then there are those poor souls I bore the shit out of with my whining and rambling.
So in this process, I will avoid the awkwardness some might feel about deleting me for being a tad irritating, I will clear out the people who are pointless on being there, and I will most importantly move on from my past.

The crunch comes with the decision not to add anyone back after deleting them. It's not a popularity contest, I am not hoping that within 5 days I will have hundreds of friend requests and feel all special about myself. Quite simply I guess, I don't want to impose myself on anyone, and have them feel obligated to accept my request. I am sure over time I will start adding people again, but for now, it's all about a fresh start for me, and those on the list at present.
Let me be very clear here, no one has done anything wrong, no one has caused this decision. Although recent events have certainly helped confirm my decision is the right one. Anyone adding me will be accepted, I have no grudges or crosses to bear.

One of the main factors in this decision has been me. Over sharing, being annoying, or just spending too much time on there trying to connect, and be someone. But what I have noticed is once again the internet is consuming me, and I am living to appease others. Not through their demands, but through my own desire to make people laugh, keep people on side, and whatever other sad reasons you can think of for being a tiny internet celebrity to a small captive audience.
Looking back, I realise that I am more open than most, and while not bottling things up is a good thing, spewing it all over the place like hot lava, to a group of people who don't actually care about whatever medical issue, emotional problem etc I am having. Some do of course, and the engagement is brilliant, so thank you to anyone who does. But for the majority I am just the one that posts something good one out of twenty times.

Then there is life off the internet. Health in general. Changing my food intake. Something I have struggled to get a handle on for a long time now, but as I am going through this moment, I suddenly feel empowered and determined to make it count. I am not getting any younger, and have already had my fair share of issues with my health, and there are more to follow I am sure. Of course I will avoid sharing any more of those, but at the same time I want to look after myself more.
While still on the matter of health, it isn't just eating right, but also getting the right levels of exercise. Something I have done well at in the past, but over and over let it slide because of lifestyle choices. I am not saying it will be perfection from here on in, far from it. But the last 6 or so months have been big for changes for me, so why not embrace it and do what I have needed to do for a long time.
LOOK AFTER MYSELF !

I have recently taken on a whole new perspective on friendships with genuine friends, and there is a group of people out there who have made a big difference. You know who you are if I have seen you recently, you are one of them. From heart to heart chats, to simple hugs, and of course some great words of wisdom and kicks in the pants. It has all been important, and all led me to this point I am at today.

OK so all the above is pretty positive, so lets drop a mood bomb. The past 48 hours have sucked big time, with me overcomplicating things, over thinking, and of course over reacting to events. I won't lie and say otherwise, and I am sorry to anyone I have ignored, or been quiet with over that time. It was, and is about me, not you.
It is also the reason that after deleting my friends list on Facebook, I will deactivate the account for a while. Probably putting it back on around Monday or Tuesday at the soonest. I need to relax and have some time to myself, without getting caught up on the goings on in the world of Facebook. So IF you are going to re-add me, I would say leave it til Tuesday to save searching for me.
I believe I am easy to find when the account is active by using the URL with /snazy at the end. So something like facebook.com/snazy .

For now I am going to go and hide from social media a bit more, and rethink how I will tackle it when I return. There will be changes for sure.

In the meantime I remain on BBM / Whatsapp / SMS / email

Once again, it's nothing personal to anyone, hope people understand.

The past 24 hours have been confusing to say the least. A monsoon of things to deal with,  understand, and come to terms with. Some of which still leave me rather uneasy. 

I get the impression the desire to make changes in my life is probably the driving factor to all this,  but there are right and wrong ways to do these things. I want to do it the right way,  but have a nagging feeling about this. 

After two weeks of feeling rough as old boots, and not being able to train. Not to mention a couple of weeks before that of having a non stop sore throat, which resulted in me finally losing my voice a couple of weeks ago, I am back.

Not 100%, but breathing well enough, and fighting hard enough to get back into training. I can't pretend the last two weeks have been good, that would be a lie. Instead its been two weeks of NO training, severely decreased dog walks, with some days only managing about 3,000 steps rather than my average 18,000, and a whole heap of unhealthy eating.

The outcome, I have LOST 2lbs approx from my last weigh in, and am now balancing on the edge of 240lbs. So the next goal now has to be officially set, and here it is. 234lbs. Not far away, not unrealistic, but a good number, and ever closer to the end goal.

So I started training again on Monday, and took a rest day on Tuesday as I was suffering from the first day back. Dropping the weight, reps and sets to a realistic return number, its actually been quite refreshing to start over. Remembering form is key, and weight is secondary. A good clean session with mid range weights on Monday took its toll on Tuesday (hence the rest). Quads, pecs and tris all suffering a little, but in a good way. However, first week back, I didn't like to push too hard.

So the training ethos of this week is keep the weights down, and keep the form up. With the fresh start I want to avoid ramping the weight up too much too fast again. After all im aiming for more definition and NO more bulk. Clothes are a pain in the arse to buy as it is, so i don't want to make things worse.

With a healthy goal of 234lbs in my sights, and a new beginning, hopefully I can get there in the coming month. Lets see what April brings. Another good reason to keep the weight down and reps up is of course to avoid muscle gains, and promote fat burning. But like I say, lets see where we are in 3-4 weeks time. 6 or so pounds to shift in that time should be pretty routine if I can keep the intake clean enough.

How many times have you ended a sentence with that line. Be it a rant, an explanation, or just a simple on line statement. It comes out so easy, looking for confirmation that we are in some way right, or at least being clear about what we are trying to convey.

But the truth is, a lot of the time we have just wasted our breath, or at the very least were not understood at all. "You know what I mean" has become the new "How are you?". An open and usually empty comment made during human contact. No harm done there eh?

Well, that depends really, on what we hoped to achieve from the exchange. If its a simple moan, who cares, you will have forgotten about it in no time at all. You probably owe the poor soul who listened to you a hug or something for enduring you.
On the other hand, from time to time we all actually reach out, in hope of being understood, word for word, thought for thought. Sometimes its important to us that someone really does know what we mean. For sanity sake, our subconsciousness hunts for those physical and verbal cues which give confirmation we have made contact.

Whether you know it or not, we all seek some kind of connection. Not the general friendships and relationships that we thrive, but the deeper kind of connection. Not all sloppy and messy, but the sort that keeps us sane. It can be with anyone, a complete stranger, or someone you have known for years, and trust implicitly. Either way, whoever the person is, you need to be able to just unload on them. Let it all out, take a deep breath and say everything. Not be interrupted in your flow. And at the end of it, KNOW that if you were to say "you know what I mean", their response will be unfaltering when they say,"yes, I really do".

The problem with this of course is self esteem and pride. Because to be able to just let loose with emotions and thoughts, first you have to drop your guard and let that person close enough to hear as your mind whispers is deepest thoughts to you. In today's society we are all suckers for reputation, and think that its what people think about us that counts. Well, that's kinda true, but at the end of the day, anyone close enough to truly matter can see right through it all. What really matters is who we actually are. How we interact with others, and how true to our inner feelings our outer persona really is.

Year on year, famous, rich, happy people shock us. Dying from a cry for help suicide, coming out with shocking revelations about their private lives or childhoods. People who for the cameras look fine and dandy, but when it comes to it are miserable as sin. Fame and fortune, global stardom does not equate to a happy life. Quite the opposite in fact in some cases. Happiness is found within a circle of trust. Not quite like a Meet the Parents kinda way, but being able to allow a friend to comb through the memories in the back of our mind. To make sense of the things that bother us after many years, and most of all, not judge us.

Do you have a muse? A confidant? We all need one at some point in our lives. For me I would say I have had a few over the years. I guess in a way I'm blessed to communicate in such a way, that people understand what I am trying to get at. Also being able to speak with the confidence that whatever I am saying, I am not ashamed or embarrassed by it, and certainly don't regret it. For others, I know this is not so easy. Having been that person for many over the years, I never grow tired of spending time with someone until the doors are wide open and words are flowing freely.

Whatever our personality, however we cope with emotions and feelings, from time to time we all spill over and need to make sure that the sensitive overspill (not sure that's a very nice mental picture) ends up somewhere safe.

I know I do, and I look forwards to my next session, whenever that is, of speaking freely, and having a good old clean out.

Thanks for reading.