I have been through many phases in my life, and each phase has presented to the world a very different me. From health and fitness nut, to oversized and unhealthy. Popular and outgoing, to despised and hidden from sight, they have all been a version of me. I think though, that each one of these persona's has been to appease someone, or a group of people. Always concious of how people perceive me, I guess the goal being to be accepted and liked. Forum friendly, social media entertainer, day / night out funny guy etc.
With the changes over the past 4-5 years, not to mention the rapid changes over the past 6 months, I can honestly say I have completely lost touch with who I am, or what direction I want to head in. So here we are, a clean slate, Facebook cleared of friends, and deactivated for a while. Hoping my return will be to a smaller, more genuine friend pool, people I know I don't need to impress or be anyone else but myself. But there is so much more to life than Facebook and social media.
I share my whole life with the world, not as a scream for attention, but just as a way of letting go of things. For so long in my life I had my mum to fall back on. Hours spent around the kitchen table, discussing things that bothered me, blowing off steam, and just getting stuff off my chest. When you think about every waking moment of your day, you really do build up some thoughts in your head, some of which you need to get rid of before they consume you. Others are just things that you just need to say once, in the open, just to let it go and be done with.
After mum died, I had my girlfriend who I could talk to, BBM or in the evenings, it was the same sort of thing, sometimes a little intense, but it felt two sided, so didn't seem like a burden. Who knows, maybe that played a part in the eventual demise. And when all else failed, it has always been good to have a small network of friends I can turn to and scream out loud when it all becomes too much. My final resort, to at least put things on the back burner is walking the dogs, or just getting out in the open world. A short escape from the realities of life, but knowing I have to come back to them eventually.
This is where it has become tough for me lately, going for walk after walk, finding each one less satisfying and having to walk further to relax my mind enough to head for home. Reaching a point now where my body is in pain from over doing it, but my mind demands we keep going. Eyes darting around in my head, making things blurry as I walk, unable to focus or pay attention to things, crossing roads can even be problematic if I can't focus for long enough to check its safe. Silly I know but a reality. Crossing at a 3 way junction when my head is spinning is nigh on impossible, going with the eventual leap of faith.
I listen to music too, while walking or training, again keeping the brain occupied on lyrics. Sadly is reaching the point now where I have listened to so much music, while having so many different thoughts, that I have started to build associations with songs to moods. So time to find more music for now I guess. It's the one last escape I have left that doesn't cause me physical discomfort.
All in all, when this reinvention takes place, I need to consider all the above, and find a way to live my life where I offer the friendship and companionship that I always have. Have time to listen to friends, and be there to support them when they need it, but for once, get the balance right and make sure I have the same available to me too, rather than it being a one way street. I am not saying for a second that people don't support me, of course they do, and I am thankful to have some amazing friends out there who have made a huge difference in my life in many ways. But I need to learn to take advantage of what they offer, rather than hiding away and trying to deal with life on my own.
The main groundbreaker for me is realising that I need to live my life for myself. Not in a boo-hoo I'm so lonely way, but in a look after #1 kinda way. Over recent months I have realised that I suffer whenever I put myself to one side, or start trying to please others. I can look at things I have done, which started out to get someones attention, so in that regard I am an attention seeker I guess. But in the most primitive form, and one we all partake in. Unfortunately, once immersed in this act or role, everything else falls to the wayside and my own goals are lost once again. This can last for a few days, or months on end. Either way it disrupts my own life cycle, and need to stop getting so caught up in other things.
I need a routine which works for me, mentally, physically and emotionally. I need people around me, close by, who just get me, and accept me for who and what I am. Support during lows, and a kick up the arse when I am lacking motivation. Motivation for things like getting back into shape, as I so badly want to do right now. Another reason for turning away from the distractions of life and social media, so I can focus on myself. Shaping the self destructive behaviour into something more productive, and getting back to a place I can actually start to like myself again, physically at least.
Mentally I loathe myself right now. Disappointing people, not being who they thought I was, unable to maintain friendships and relationship. Unable to connect with those interested in getting to know me, eye contact is a rare thing for me right now, avoiding places with too many people so not to run the risk of conversations etc. My head is a total mess, and going up and down, round and round like a fairground ride. I just want to get off, lay down and let my head settle for a while.
I don't know how much the events of recent days have affected me. I know I have withdrawn, I know I am not being the person people know, and I have a feeling I am somewhat needy right now. Not that I want to be, but stepping back and looking at my actions and behaviour, I can see how that would be perceived. I do know that I have learned valuable lessons recently, and I need to take them and grow from them, if I want to carry on in the direction I want my life to go in. Uncomplicated, pure, and under my own control.
So that is where I am heading for my next existence, when released from this temporary hold on life, I hope to come back stronger, mentally and physically. To disappoint less, to achieve more, and to treasure the valuable friendships I have in my life.
Thanks for reading, see you on the other side..
PS, might be later than Tuesday 5th now