Snazy

The first thing I have to say is, I love you like my own flesh and blood, and my feelings honestly run no deeper in my my body than they do for you. For almost ten years now you have truly been a part of my family. Through thick and thin, from near and afar I know you are one of the few true friends who operated with the purest of intentions, and wear your heart on your sleeve always.

We have seen tough times together, confided in one another, and spent some very random, and also some very precious times together, all of which I cherish dearly. Stories of our antics as a group are almost folk-law now, and they will remain forever.

Forgive me as I talk of the past, I guess with the news you have shared I am left grasping at straws, memories, and happy times. Trying to find a smile to hold onto forever. Having had some pretty low times recently, it is as I write this that I actually realise who you really are to me, and how devastated I am to even consider losing someone so very precious from my life, especially so prematurely.

Confused, angry, deeply saddened and sick to the stomach are just a few things I feel as I type, filled with such self pity, and a selfish attitude, so I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now. I apologise if my writing this so prematurely causes offence, but I swore not to leave words unspoken to those who I love, and you are most certainly of the inner inner circle of my friends, and one of a handful I truly call my friend.

You are an inspiration to so many, regardless if you know it or not. But anyone who knows of your battle over the years, knows what a true fighter you have been, never giving in, and spending so much time feeling so ill, yet always finding the time to smile, and give others a smile. You always find your way into conversations, through the weirdest of avenues. Time and again there is reason to utter your name, and I promise you, over the coming months and years, your name will be no less spoken.

The day you leave us, may that be so very far in the future, you will leave a hole in my heart impossible to fill. But instead I will fill that space with as many memories and thoughts of you as I can find, so they are safe with me forever, and I will always feel a part of you remains with me.

Having known of the various issues for so long, I suppose you are meant to be prepared for this "we knew it was coming" and all that stuff, but rubbish, no, I refuse to accept that for one second. You may never read this. God only knows you have enough on your plate to deal with right now, rather than listening to the emotional blabberings of a mad man, but I write this to YOU none the less.

I have stood in the sidelines of peoples lives for a while now, watching their days pass, knowing they are unwell and will leave prematurely, but I can honestly say that even with two members of my immediate family diagnosed, nothing could have prepared me for this moment in time. I will wake from every sleep hoping this is just a cruel dream, as I'm sure you will too, but throughout the days I will spend them making a scrapbook in my mind of all we have done.

I could go on forever writing, reminiscing the times we have shared together, but instead I will wrap this up now with a few words from the heart.

You are truly my brother, a deep part of my life and I have so many memories and other things to thank you for. I will never forget you, nor forgive this cruel world for daring to try and take you from us for so long. Your fight will live on with me forever, and you will be the inspirational person for many in the future.
Thank you for blessing me with your friendship, and enriching my life with your trust for so long. My eyes actually burn and start to fill with tears as I write these final words for now, which is an amazing and intense feeling for me, and one I have not felt for so long.

Thank you for being one of the few who have defined me as a person.

My thoughts are with you and your family at this time, and please know that I am only a word away, always by your side, and here for you and your entire family throughout.

I love you, please don't leave us too soom my brother.

Regards

Michael

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I have just had yet more news, and this time its really hit home hard. I won't go into deep details at this point as the news is not out there yet. But I am at the point of really not understanding what its all about right now.

So many people, so close, and all in such a small time frame. Sometimes you are left wondering what is the point in all this, period!

I'm not thinking straight, and just babbling now, so will shut up, but dude.... My thoughts and prayers are with you, and I will be with you shortly.

Regards

Michael

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Well, it doesn't does it. You know what I mean, when you have stored it all up for so long, then it all just comes gushing out. Ok that could be taken two ways I guess, so choose your own meaning, and follow me on this brief journey of discovery.

Sitting down to coffee with Tracy this morning was very refreshing indeed, not just the caffeine, nor the chocolate twist (or the Krispy Kreme I consumed while I was waiting for her lol), but I mean the conversation. It was nice to relax with someone I feel comfortable with, kick back, be open and just let it all flow for a bit. We chatted for over an hour, and the time flew by.

Over recent times we have both been consumed by complex goings on, and managed to get these out on the table in no time, delving deep into my dark and shady self, opening doors not touched for some time. If Tracy got half of what I got from the conversation, then it was an hour well spent in Costa, and well worth the travel for us both. Caroline being there would have been superb I think, but next time I hope, then we can have a good old fashioned threesome haha.

So going back to the conversation. Strangely one of the topics covered was friendships and trust. The amazing way you can connect with someone after 20+ years and just carry on like it was last week. That takes a combination of trust, openess and a genuine sense of connection with that person. Quite apt then that we have been out of touch for the best part of twenty years, yet can get together over a coffee and be so honest with each other about such personal and may I say intimate things. But that's good right? Amazing to believe that a friendship, a bond formed so long ago at a rather immature age can go on to be something so different many years later. That said, I'm thankful that it works like that, especially for me, Mr Super Complex life!

But getting to my point, the release I mention. We all bottle things up at time. Just a note, if you took "release" to mean something else, then I do NOT bottle that up, eeew! But in the mind at least, we carry thoughts, feelings, desires along with us, until such a time we can offload them, or at least find someone to share the load with. Which is what happened today. I spilled my load all over the table, and Tracy lapped it up. Haha ok a little crude, forgive me, but you know what I mean. Cards down, heart open, and out it poured, and she was there to help make sense of it all.

The most touched on subject today, other than sex (Tracy's preferred topic) was death and grieving believe it or not. Quite a range of topics to cover, but as I say it is something we are both dealing with right now, and it was 'nice' to share a moment with someone else going through it all. As well as Noel who has also recently lost a dear friend (RIP David).
The contrast between my own and Tracy's feelings on death was like night and day. While she is not consumed with grief at this stage, there is part of her obviously showing the wish and need to grieve (sorry to speak of you as a third person hun). The eyes and face show such sorrow when speaking of her Grandmothers passing, and then switch to frustration and anger at mentioning the family issues which now surround her. A situation I am familiar with following the passing of my own grandmother a few years back.

A time we should be remembering and respecting our loved one, but so frequently it turns into a competition to be the favourite, the most important, the most grief stricken or the leader of the pack. For god sakes people, deal with it in your own way. Stop ruining these precious moments for others, and let each person cope in their own way. If you have nothing nice to say, or helpful to offer, shut up, sit in the corner and do your own thing. Its not a time for competition, but for a time of contemplation. To remember those memories made recently and yesteryear, to create a final memory of the deceased, and a time to reflect that time is short and precious for us all, some shorter than others. And as per "If tomorrow never comes", we should deal with each day wisely, yet not save up our thoughts, feelings and emotions for tomorrow. But express in real time, leaving nothing unsaid, and no stone of interest unturned.

Wow, where did all that come from lol.
I guess that's me having another release eh.

Then there are other types of release, secrets, guarded parts of our lives. Not relevant to everyone in our lives, but worth a mention. Things going on in your life that it is worth running by a friend to get a different perspective on. Maybe their opinion, or maybe just for the sake of saying "there, I said it" and moving on.
I have never believed that there is any one person in someones life that you can tell ALL to... Close but not 100%. That's not a matter of trust or respect, but more perspective and relevance. Sometimes its easier to talk to someone who is slightly more distant to a situation if you want perspective. Speaking to someone as close to it as yourself doesn't change perspective, only opinion. After all they are seeing what you see, but may have a different opinion based on morals, not presented facts. Talk to someone across the way however and they can see the other side, and sometimes give you an angle you had not considered. Sounds a little weird but think about it for a second.

The refreshing part about getting another perspective on a situation, is when the other view is very similar, and you get confirmation that no matter how messy something seems, that even from the other side YOU have made a sound decision, and one that others understand, respect and support you in. I know at least one person this is relevant to, and hope to be sharing a coffee with soon, and much like todays with Tracy, I hope it is as open and revealing for us both.

Ultimately the stories we carry and secrets we bare will eventually consume us, not with guilt necessarily, but with the amount of time it comes back to make us dwell on it over and over. A problem shared is a problem halved. So don't carry a burden, and find someone you trust and can confide in to relieve yourself. Share a release with a friend, and who knows, maybe you can have a mutual release together.

Sometimes its hard to know just how bad something is eating you up inside, until the pressure is released. Then as soon as the tap is turned, it all starts flowing, and just keeps coming and coming.

So today, I thank Tracy for her time, and offer that mutual release at any time you need it. You know how to get in touch.
And in the past few days or weeks, I thank those who have been there and supported me through recent issues in my personal life. Without you I would not be me. Thank you.

Regards

Michael

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It sucks doesn't it? Something we expect to wait a long time for, other things, the slightest delay just drives you crazy. I'm laying in bed, its 7am and usually I'm snoozing, but this morning I'm distracted. Caught waiting for the little purple light on my Blackberry to flash to say the conversation has begun. I'm on a knifes edge wondering when it going to happen, but then again it is rather early and maybe I should really be asleep.

I seem to spend a lot of time waiting these days, for carers, for builders, for emails to confirm the next stages of things, and my favourite waiting game, appointments and waiting rooms of course. They truly are kings of the waiting game.

Right now, as Friday begins my mind is focused on the weekend ahead. Something tells me there will be some waiting involved there, but as long as its for the right reasons, waiting is fine. So now that means I'm waiting to wait... Hang on a minute, that's bad surely! Lol.

The weekend is what I look forwards to right now though, I have a few chores and some house calls and coffees to have, and am picking up a walking frame for my mum too (thank you to Macca for collecting).

So waiting, is it such a bad thing? It builds anticipation, which is good, and of course there is frustration too which is not so good. But you can't have one without the other, ying-yang, clever-dumb, good-evil.... Its all about achieving balance right? And take it from me, if you want something bad enough, its worth trying real hard to find that balance.

So while I wait, and anticipate, I shall try and get some rest again.

Mind working overtime because some idiot forgot their tablet last night.

Message to my Blackberry ... Flash damnit FLASH!

Regards

Michael

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That is what my mother told me earlier today. I went to tell her that I was going out to catch up with an old friend for lunch, jokingly saying "I'm abandoning you for the afternoon", so was a little taken aback when she replied that she felt I HAD abandoned her, and had not been around for weeks! WTF seriously?

She didn't laugh afterwards, so I can only assume there was a certain aspect of seriousness to her comment, which is both worrying and upsetting. Yes I have taken time out at weekends recently, and had some space from the routine I have been in for 3 years now, but abandoned her I have not. Shopping, arranging, medicating, cleaning etc is still all part of my role.
So I have asked my sister to take a more active role recently, spending more time with mum, taking the leading role with medical interventions etc, but I'm still there all the time. Somewhere along the line something has gone horribly wrong if this is how she truly feels.

Just as things were starting to make more sense, just as my mind was starting to settle into a routine with these new, precious respite breaks, and all of a sudden it seems I have done wrong by her. My feeling on the matter was that the break was doing us all some good. Mum not putting up with me all the time, me getting time out, and Paula getting time in. But what makes me wonder is why she has not said anything sooner. Maybe it was a joke after all, just badly delivered... Maybe she has just been waiting for the right time for me to drop myself in it.

Either way I am left a little confused now (nothing new eh) and wondering how to tackle this. Sitting on the train, blogging away looking weird, and trying to fathom out the best approach to it. I think a simple straight question will do the trick really, but not looking forwards to it if she is serious.

Maybe I'm just over sensitive to it all and need to take my chill pill, maybe there is something there I need to address with her, who knows eh.

So in the next hour I will find out if I am the outsider now, or if indeed it was all a bad joke. I hope so!

Either way I think we should have "the chat" about my time away, and I should make sure she knows how important it all is to me right now, and how much of a difference it is making to me being able to cope with my life right now. One of us is about to find out a truth, so let's see how it all pans out.

Regards

Michael

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Todays metaphor is Sliding Doors. Yes I have written about this before, but today I find myself deep in contemplation of things around me.

The actually sliding doors today are those of trains as I travel to see an old friend who I have not seen for what seems like a lifetime. Our lives have changed a lot since we last met, so I am full of excitement about seeing him. Probably the first time I have had a reunion like this in my life. So I'm on my way there now, watching doors slide open and closed.

The other side of the doors are the decisions we make, and how our life subsequently plays out. Each time we make a decision we choose to walk through a door, leaving behind all the other choices we made. Sometimes the path will loop back to the same junction for us to eventually choose again, but sometimes its very one way and final. Sadly there is no map to show us which door to choose, and in some cases we feel fear and doom the second the door begins to shut behind us.

However we can always find redemption, and good in our decision, after all, we made it for a reason, right? Regret to me is a pointless emotion. Like missing a train, there is NOTHING you can do about it now, so let it go, adapt, adjust and follow the path you chose. I know, I know, its not always that easy is it, but you can't just give up! What's the point in that eh!

There is another kind of sliding door though, and that is the one that I am in front of now. Imagine a cabinet or patio door, the door opens both ways, but can only open one way at a time. Allowing us to pass back and forth, or select something from one side at a time. Not allowing us to have both sides at the same time. And in some cases this is a good thing.
I used a term with someone today which made perfect sense. Is it wrong to buy veg from the green grocers and meat from the butchers instead of all from the same supermarket. Of course not, its a choice. But buying your spuds from the butcher, well that would be plain wrong, obviously! (Sorry could not resist adding that bit)

I digress, back to my point. Our decisions. As long as rational, well thought out and something we can deal with day to day, well then its the right decision.
Should I stay or leave, should I browse or shop, should I speak or be silent. Whatever the decision, just remember once you pass over the threshold, you are committed. And from there on in don't know the distance to the next door of decision.

My advice, don't be afraid, follow your heart, speak your mind. Dig deep and ask is this what makes you happy, and if it is, sod the world and smile damnit!

So as I stand before these doors at Canada Water station, and the doors open before me I will commit to the train, and take the journey on offer. Todays destination is known, but the other planned journeys don't yet have a timetable or planned route, and I am at their mercy. Yet I offer myself completely to them, knowing that deep inside, what I seek is to be found at the end. Regardless of the journey, rough of smooth, I commit, right here, right now.

So I take a final breath, and step towards these doors with open arms and an open mind, hoping and praying that what lays beyond is ready for me and will embrace me.

Ok, I'm getting strange looks on this train now. So will wait for the sliding doors to part once more before continuing my journey. So if you are afraid to commit to the doors, breathe deeply, close your eyes and take the leap of faith.

Regards

Michael

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What's that all about? Both geographically and metaphorically speaking I mean. Nothing is ever as simple as a comment with me, surely you know that by now.

Today I have covered about 18 miles or so, with a combination of chores and dog walking, and I have to say there is an ulterior motive there too.. That I will sleep really well tonight. Not sure what it is, but recently my sleep has been all over the place, quite literally. Managing a few hours here and there, and sometimes going to bed and not managing a wink. So hopefully tonight after the last dog walk (that's right, not finished walking yet!), I will sleep well.

Sometimes, on days like today when so much distance is covered and I end up back here 4-5 times a day I really do wonder if the energy would be better spent getting somewhere else, away from here, rather than going back to a place of such stress SO many times a day. Its almost like self inflicted mental torture when I think about it like that.

Either way you look at it though, my heart will be grateful for the workout, my body will benefit on my mission to tone up, Nike will benefit from my destruction of another pair of their finest, and let's face it, the dogs love it.
Add that to the low calorie intake for the day, and the positives start to shine though finally. Takes some polishing to get any shine out of it though!

Then we have the metaphor of the title. Better known as being on the road to nowhere. I once read something (usually write but occasionally read) which said the aim of every day was to "make a difference" somehow. Ok so that sounds all mushy and sentimental, but think about it for a second. Is it really that hard to do without breaking a sweat. Help someone with a bag, hold a door open, hey, just make someone smile, and in that single moment you just made a difference, and made an impression on someone else. Who would then hopefully pay the favour forward and so on. What a great place it would be if that were the case.

OK, so I held the door for a couple of people while at the chemist earlier, and some other bits, but what difference have I made for myself today? Not a lot really. Picked up my medication, that's about the only thing that's gonna change anything about me, by drugging myself. Hardly an achievement eh. But all in all, I can't be that down on myself. Over recent days I know I have made a difference, and hold my head high with pride for that, but its still a disappointment when you know you could have done more.

Today has actually been an annoying day, filled with good intentions, but ruined by people with poor timing, mixed with missed opportunities. A couple of things I have not managed to do today which will have to carry over a day or 2.

However the receiving end of things has been a different story all together I have to say. Not really much I can say other than I have been kept entertained today by the wonders of BBM again, and in the company of the wonderful Cadell, how could I fail to smile and laugh 🙂 I hope the exchange has been mutual.
While it might have seemed quite a sombre mood with me today, deep inside there has been a grin all along. I have just been a bit touchy, so sorry about that.

Right that's enough mush for now, so be nice to people out there, and aim to make a difference eh 🙂

Regards

Michael

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Dear NHS, yes she is eligible, but also HAS breast cancer and is being treated by YOUR health trust! Save some pennies and update your records eh!

Regards

Michael

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For making my blog a little popular. OK its not ground breaking stats, but knowing so many people read so much or my rambling, and that some even take something away with them is lovely for me.

I hope being part of my life is as special to you, as having you as a part of my life is to me.

Regards

Michael

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...is LOVE! Simple to spell, hard to say, easy to write, and almost impossible to define.
OK Baljit, this one is for you luvvie. Or inspired by our conversation anyway, the rest is all me, so here we go.

I once wrote a whole book on the subject, and maybe one day I will finish and publish it, if anyone really cares. It turns many corners and covers many examples, but who has the ultimate right to define the scariest word to utter? We all have our own meanings of the word. We make it, we feel it, we celebrate it, and we sing about it. It makes us happy, confused, safe and sad too, but 99% of us spend most of our life looking for it. Yet we don't even know what it is.

For me love is such a diverse word. It has such a simple outlining meaning, but is used in so many terms, that unless we explain sentiment correctly, we can end up causing confusion more than anything else. Think about it this way, I love my daughter, my mum, some of my friends, and driving fast. So how can the same word possibly refer to all of those things. There are of course a number of other loves in my life.
People capable of making me feel like no other can make me feel. Special, wanted, warm, and amazing too. As well as secure, safe, and isolated in such a beautiful way. Are you one of these people? Then I love you too.
Is there a limit to how many people we can love.. No, I truly don't think so. But can there be a limit on the number we are IN love with. To this the answer is a yes from me. For starters being IN love is a very deep and conditioned state. A level of commitment to someone you have a huge emotional attachment to. And to me, so huge is this commitment, that feeling it for one person alone is huge, let alone more than one (that would kill me I'm sure) I have only one true recollection of feeling this emotion, and if you have ever truly felt it, you are blessed, as so few really have.

How many do I love right now. On the grand scheme of things many. On the true emotional level, the number is much much smaller. The emotional kind of love for me is about a connection, and for that person to find a way through my defences and into my heart. Through acts of kindness, affection, warmth and compassion. Touching me in a way that no other has, and creating an inner peace in me that blows everything else away. It is rare for me to allow someone in to such a depth, as to have that access leaves me vulnerable, and I have to trust them to respect me as I respect them. Each time I find myself feeling love for someone in this way, it is never comparable to that for another. Each is unique, almost like an individual place for each person, which cannot be filled by another.

To tell someone you love them, for some is a very difficult thing to do. For me, saying the words "I love you" is easy. But explaining HOW is somewhat more difficult at times. Try telling someone you love them, and most will either start to plan a wedding or run a country mile! Both before even contemplating what you mean when you say it.

Love conquers all, love breaks hearts, and love is SO under rated and misunderstood. For the few who have truly found the meaning of the word and embraced it, you are rare, and should cherish everyday of your confidence with this complex emotion. And those who don't understand it... Try harder, its in us all if we just let people close enough.

I guess this is a bit of a mish-mash of everything covered in my longer writing in the book, so probably a little confusing, but I hope you get the meaning of it all.

If you love someone, tell them, let them know, and let the world know. And if you are reading and wondering..... Yes, I do love you ;o)

X

Regards

Michael

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