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Category: depressed

Published on Leave a comment on Struggling to stay awake.

One of the clear signs for me that my brain has had enough, is the lethargy. While the brain is active, all is well. I stay talkative, quite focused and alert. But as soon as there is nothing to distract me, I immediately become sleepy. I am guessing it is my brain wanting to switch off before it gets overloaded with thoughts and confusion. The situation is similar in the mornings too. Having become a creature of habit and getting up at 6 something every day for months now, suddenly I wake but in a very different state. Deep tiredness, wanting nothing more than to go back to sleep. On a couple of occasions now I have done just that and slept in til around 8am.

Losing focus is very much a big thing for me right now, just writing this is a bit of an effort, with my eyes and mind darting about all over the place, and having to make a conscious effort to stay on track. That said, I am only writing this paragraph as I have completely lost my track.

Today has been on of those days so far for me, and possibly one of the worst in this phase to date. Waking up just before 7am, and doing as I promised myself, getting up and out with the dogs ASAP to try and get back into the stride of things. All went well, good hour walk with the dogs, some fresh air and getting the heart pumping. Got home, fed them, sat down for breakfast, watched a program while I ate.... Then went back to bed. Unable to fight the feeling today, I just had to go with the flow. Yet here I am, after an hours nap, and still yawning like I haven't slept for days. Bags under my eyes, looking like crap, and feeling how I look.

The ever confusing yo-yo feelings of depression strike again. This time yesterday I was full of trepidation and anxiety about meeting a friend for dinner. Nervous about the trip over to West London, lots of people and possible interactions. The train journey over there was spent mainly staring into space when on trains, avoiding looking at people, focusing on the floor most of the time. And the transfers between trains where I had to walk, I mainly stayed close to the wall and walked along looking at it out of the corner of my eye. Sounds weird I know, but I was just along for the ride, my brain did as it pleased.

Turns out though that the evening itself, at two quite relaxed venues, was a good moment of clarity for me, and it felt good to clear my head for a bit, and stay distracted long enough to unwind for a while. A breath of fresh air for sure, and much needed. Proof to myself that I'm still in here somewhere. So thanks to Jason for taking the time out of his day to keep me company, and get my brain working right for a bit. Some interesting conversations for sure, and I even unloaded a few thoughts that I struggle with.

The rest of the time, when I am able to fight the tiredness, I feel like a bit of a zombie right now if I'm honest. As I said before, losing focus on thoughts is an issue. Trying to stay on topic can be a fight. Even watching programs I love can be a chore just trying to concentrate enough to make sense of things.

You know when someone says "clear your mind", something most of us find impossible at the best of times, to think absolutely nothing. But for me, I have moments where it is just that..NOTHING! Like I am rebooting, just staring, with nothing at all going on, until I catch myself, then it is a huge wave of thoughts crashing over me. Much like a real wave, once it passes all that remains is fragments of it. So when my thought wave hits, it is like being bombarded with a whole day of thoughts and emotions at once, and seconds later you are left with tiny pieces which together form nothing. Soaked through with pieces you cannot put together. This if course is followed by deep confusion for an undetermined period of time.

So with all that going on, I am hardly surprised that my brain just wants me to sleep. Lock me and itself away from generating any more thoughts to deal with. Problem there is, no matter how nice sleep is, I don't wake rested, I feel like junk for it, then beat myself up for having wasted time in the day. I have other things I need to get done, but can neither find the motivation nor the concentration to take on some tasks that would otherwise be deemed mundane. So there is a void in the day where there is almost nothing I can do with myself. Walking would be super cool, but I am trying to moderate that as its taking its toll on my feet and achillies, and of course there are a finite number of places I can walk to. Sure I can travel somewhere to walk, but that seems like a chore. Driving or getting public transport is an effort.  All that said, the outdoors is calling me, so I might venture out for a while.

Distraction is what I need right now. Non stressful, relaxing distraction. Conversation over coffee, entertainment to keep my mind occupied, so I shall seek to find myself some of that. But you know, just writing that has caused a wave of tiredness, almost like my brain trying to shy away from the idea. So who knows eh.

The plan for me right now, the hours and days ahead is to fight sleeping and inactivity, to focus on getting up at a reasonable time. Structure my day in a way I can stay busy somehow, without exhausting myself and causing more stress. Easier said than done. I am seeing the doctor again in a weeks time, so hopefully I will have levelled out a bit by then, or at least she will be able to make sense of things, and point me in the right direction.

As a footnote, I have to say that last night was one of the hardest battles I have had to get to sleep for a few days now. Just unable to relax my mind, being bombarded with thoughts with no relevance to the day just gone. Overloaded, and all just flashing through my mind, it was a very unwelcome feeling, and one I was hoping had passed for the time being. Guess it shows you never know what to expect when your mind is misbehaving.

Right, this has been enough of a challenge for my tiny mind just getting this far, and trying to make sure it makes sense, so will leave it there.

Thank you to anyone who has shown genuine concern, less so to those who just want to pry or make stupid comments, both sides have a huge impact on coming to terms with the situation.

Published on Leave a comment on Hi Doc, I’m going nuts!

For someone who has a past of, let's face it, mental health issues, but isn't receiving ongoing care for it, it's a really strange thing to have to go and see a doctor about. Usually you walk in, the doctor asks what's up, and you point to something, or present a symptom or injury to them. But when it's all in your head, you have to try and find a way of explaining yourself, without just saying "I'm depressed", or "I'm anxious".

Or at least I think you do! I'm not actually 100% sure how much explaining is necessary really, but I have always felt obliged to give some insight into the matter, just so they can make their own decisions on what the best course of action for you is. That said, as we know from numerous reports, GP's are only very basically trained for such issues, so how much information is really needed? That of course isn't a snipe at GP's, there is a limit to how much any one persons brain can absorb, so would rather the referral route, than the "I think I know what I am doing" one.

Last  night, after speaking with friends, and making the decision to go to the doctors, just to prove how messed up things are right now, I was fretting about it. That's right, after making the decision to get help, I was now worried about how to explain myself, and worried about how I would come across to them. Is that strange? Well it might be to you, but for me it is a classic symptom, and just reaffirms the issues I am having right now.

I got to about 1am and finally tried to change the subject in my head. So I imagined being underwater, scuba diving. Crystal clear waters, surrounded by a reef and loads of different species of fish. Just imagining myself drifting with the current, effortless. No finning, just gliding. That did the trick! That was also a eureka moment for me, and I realised that what would help right now is to get under the water again. Problem being, UK diving is rather nippy right now, and I have no drysuit, and obviously Red Sea etc costs money, and then there are the dogs etc. So it's unlikely I will be using that as therapy any time soon. But hey, I can try and find a way. Nemo 33 anyone?

Back to the whole doctor issue. I remember the last time, seeing a doctor I have known for years, and one I trust to listen before making a sweeping judgement. I felt at ease because I knew him I think. I explained that sleeping was a huge issue for me, getting my mind to stop was impossible, and it was affecting aspects of my day to day life. He got it, and we dealt with it step by step. I had counselling supplied by work, and at the end of it, I came out feeling alive again.
This time it is a doctor I have never met and know nothing about, so I am on the defensive straight away. I realise this sounds really stupid to some people, surely you just walk in and tell them what is up. But it isn't that simple and here is why.

Mental health issues span a huge expanse of conditions, and they all have very different ways of being dealt with. Especially when it comes to drugs, there are a multitude of pills and medications that can be prescribed. But it all depends on how your issues present.
For a physical issue the doctor can see it and assess it based on how it presents. For something in the head, it is very different, and it is also quite awkward. Have you ever tried to explain an object or a sensation to someone, without them having seen or experienced it. It really isn't easy, but the better you know someone, the easier it is to be on the same level and get your message across.

Then, even if you can explain it properly, you have the perception aspect of it. Example, tattooing. If two people with a tattoo discuss how it felt to have the procedure carried out, a lot of the time they will not only use different descriptive words, but also disagree about how the sensation felt.
Now take that to being a patient, trying to verbalise what is going on in your mind, in a way a complete stranger will understand.

I guess it comes back to the whole thing of keep it simple, but I don't do simple, so that in itself is a struggle for me.

So I have come up with this... And if need be I will have it in front of me when I see the doctor tomorrow. That way I won't ramble or lose my direction, but will say what is needed.

About 4-5 years ago I suffered quite badly with anxiety and depression. It wasn't the first time, but was the worst by far. Recently I have started having the same issues I had back then before I hit rock bottom, and am concerned that I am going back in that direction. Over thinking, trouble sleeping, lack of motivation, lack of concentration, and dwelling on certain aspects of life, both important and totally random.
A lot has changed for me over recent months, so I think the sudden instability has triggered this, as it did the last time. Last time I was put on medication, but would like to avoid that this time around, and see if I can shake it by other means first. Of course I am not ruling out the possibility.

Or words to that effect eh!

My appointment is early tomorrow morning, so I have about another 16-17 hours to get through before seeing someone about this.
Last night's blog entry alone had a positive effect for me, getting some thoughts and fears out there in the open, for me to understand a little better. Crazy as it might sound, typing and reading back most of the things I say, is like having the conversation I needed to have, but had no-one to have it with. Like one of those moments in something on TV, where something totally unrelated suddenly puts a case into perspective. It is the same for me, saying things, often typing them faster than I can think them (honestly, I think THAT slowly!.......... joke), words seem to appear from nowhere. Almost like opening the floodgates to my mind, and letting it all spill out, thoughts I could not access before are right there, and it makes sense.
Told you I was nuts!

So there we have it, the issue that has been smashing around inside my skull since late last night, driving me mad, and exhausting me mentally all day.
See there is another thing that has just come out that I had not even considered!

The mental exhaustion from the overthinking. Another classic symptom of the matter for me. Like a computer with some infected program running in the background sucking up all the resources, when you go into task manager, it is using 98% of CPU and memory, rendering the rest of the computers functions useless. THAT is how my head works when I am like this. A simple mundane issue will suck up all the resources and energy I have, and make it impossible for me to do the simplist of things. So sitting on the sofa staring at the TV which is switched off, is about all that is left within my limits of capabilities.

Right, before I run out of energy and shut down to conserve vital functions, I shall wrap things up here.

Basically the conclusion reached here is, keep things simple, explain the basics. That's all. Everything above was an example of my train of thought, just to come to a simple conclusion. Exhausting to read isn't it, and the real long way around.. Now imagine what it is like to have that thought process for most of the decisions you make every day. I kid you not, other than simple bodily requirements, everything else goes through the same mental red tape.
Needless to say, it is the reason I try and stick to a routine where decisions are not necessary. I can go the whole morning without needing to make any decisions, but once the first one arrives... Its over!

Right, that is enough this time. Here's to seeing the doctor. This time tomorrow I will have an idea of what their decision is.

Wish me luck.

2

Published on 2 Comments on Faceless

Strange title, but hopefully it will make sense on a number of levels at some time soon.
First off, I just wanted to throw these out there....

A wise man once said....

Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world where they can be alone

Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through?

Are you reaching out for me, like I'm reaching out for you?


I'm just so fuckin' depressed, I just can't seem to get out this slump

If I could just get over this hump

But I need something to pull me out this dump,

I took my bruises, took my lumps

Fell down and I got right back up

But I need that spark to get psyched back up

In order for me to pick the mic back up

I don't know how or why or when I ended up in this position I'm in

I'm starting to feel distant again

So I decided just to pick this pen

Up and try to make an attempt to vent

OK, so that was actually from Eminem's "Beautiful" track. But I have to say, it really strikes a chord with me right now, and in fact, probably for quite a few periods in my life. Hell it's one of the reasons this blog even exists. Except instead of being an award winning musical talent, I am a lone blogger who does the same thing, but in a different way.

So, Faceless, why so. Well many years ago on a popular radio station in London, there was a show called "Faceless". I say a show, more a segment in the breakfast show on Kiss 100. The segment was a computerised voice reading a daily diary entry of a man. Someone from the true walks of life, dealing with the trials and tribulations of day to day life for the average Joe out there. Listening in daily you grew addicted to hearing what had happened to this complete stranger. Starting to understand what drove him, and how his mind worked. In fact hearing how powerful a diary entry could be is what first started me writing. Letting all those thoughts that were over-spilling out. Of course back then the internet was in its infancy, and blogs were none existent.

I mention this, as in a strange way, my blog is another version of the show. With people who don't really know me looking in for a glimpse of what is going on in my life. Maybe inadvertently, who knows. But the moment you start to read one of my more personal entries, that is what is happening. Before you wince and think that is a criticism, fear not, it's not. I am actually grateful that I attract any interest in a rather boring and mundane life, so thank you. I know my entries are embellished a little with humour (well I try anyway).

When I say "people who don't really know me" I mean it with the greatest of respect. I don't believe that people I interact with are not interested in me, and do not wish to get to know the real me. However there lays the problem, and the second link to the "Faceless" title.. Me !

Having lived as an almost alter ego for a few years, making connections with most of the people who have gone on to be some of my most frequent acquaintances, and of course a few friends along the way too, sometimes it is hard to distinguish which part of me is real, and which is fake.
Like a persistent liar struggles with the blurred line between the truth and the lie, I too struggle. With a very strange conflict indeed. One of who I am, who I became, and who the hell I was before all this started.

In 1995 I was in my early 20's and a new father. By my mid 20's I was separated, in a new relationship and changing jobs. By the eve of the new millennium I starting to become someone else. The internet was blowing up and become an alternate reality for many, groups were forming and popularity battles were beginning. By 2002, coming on for 30 I was this who new person. Oddly enough though, in future years I would come to question who that person even was.

Following the success of a website and internet forum for the car community, on a very very small scale I had gained popularity. People knew the name "Snazy" an obvious nickname which has followed me through life. (surname Snasdell, nickname Snazy...... you follow?), With popularity comes interest, and with interest comes social circles. In reality that is where the transition really began, with the introduction to rafts of new people, I suddenly had a chance to reinvent myself. Something that happened perfectly naturally, and without me even realising. Before long I was this Snazy guy, and had a certain persona to live up to. So each time I would go out, the game face would go on, and I would be this chubby, wannabe funny guy, who from time to time made an impression.

As the years rolled on, and people started to grow up a little, I got into a relationship, and people moved off to start families, careers and all that other stuff that grown ups do. Little by little the group disbanded, and a core of friends and mates remained. A group I am grateful to to this day. During this time I started to go in reverse, and ease away from this once internet persona, and return to regular old Michael, but there was a problem. Somewhere in all the excitement the master copy, the template had been lost, and so had my identity. Now becoming Michael again seemed a little harder than expected, so parts of Snazy remained.

Years later, as I cling for dear life to the last strands of that previous life, I bring into question my whole existence now. Not in a morbid way, but more a moral way. Who the bloody hell am I these days.

I was chatting to Sarah today, and as I was sitting sipping my coffee, my mind just wandered off. Not bored by the company, but challenged by the topic of conversation. Just the simple little things, like what I want from a friendship and a relationship. If you were asked that question right now, with a blank canvas, could you honestly answer it? Not what do you have, but what do you WANT!
Almost as perplexed as the day the careers adviser came into school, I was lost. Such a seemingly simple question, but without understanding me and my own needs in life, how the hell was I meant to answer that one. The meltdown began!

For the rest of the day I have been thrashing my tiny mind, playing the Eminem song over and over and over. Triggering lots of thoughts, memories, and emotions deep within.  For someone who has experienced quite a lot of emotions from both ends of the scale, to feel so empty and responseless is a very surreal feeling indeed. For someone with so much to say both verbally and in writing, I was honestly lost for words.

In all the bravado of life, keen to keep people close, eager to please, and living up to a reputation which seems to have followed me into my 40's, I have truly lost sight of the goal. I have no idea how to answer the question.

As a desperate response, all I could offer up were words of wisdom, or tried and failed anyway. Expressing that I think we all need to find the missing piece in our lives, the one thing that we as an individual lack, but someone else brings to us, as a gift, as a bond. Connecting you in a way that only the two of you can understand. It's mushy I know, but I was desperate. That said, there is some truth to it. Problem is, you can't put your finger on what "IT" is until it's there, and then it is so seamless, you struggle to find what exactly it is that makes the situation feel so right.
OK, ramble over.

Back to the problem. I struggle on a day to day basis to even make sense of what I am doing for the next 16-18 waking hours, let alone understand the complexities of my fragile and weird little brain. That said, I know I need to make contact with it somehow, and extract from it what exactly it is trying to tell me with all these strange thoughts, wild actions, and changes in mood.

Over the coming week I have some time off, so am firstly going to try and get on writing and maybe even finishing my book, and maybe do a little soul searching. So I apologise in advance for any strange blog entries. You don't have to read them, they are just there to throw the thoughts out of my head so they are there before me to make sense of. If you want to read them and get even more confused about me, feel free.

Finally before I sign off, there is one more thing. Who do YOU think I am? To many people I appear to be very different, hard headed, soft hearted, confident, confused, each of you see a rather different person. We all do that to some degree, but what almost alarms me is how peoples perceptions of me change so wildly as a different side of me is exposed. In an ideal world I would love to be the same open, honest and caring person to everyone. But the truth be known, some would exploit that, to those people I remain strong and manipulative. Some take advantage over the caring side, and overload the mind with all their worries, with no concern for my own. A very one sided, sounding board situation. So for that reason I remain complex.

Unfortunately, more for me than others, keeping up this charade takes its toll. Not just on me, but on others too. Failing to be able to swing far enough from one persona to another, I get jammed up and stuck in one frame of mind, and when most needed by friends, I am unable to shake myself free of this mindset, and fail to be there when needed. Shying away from obligation, choosing not to engage in a situation which I would in other circumstances be more than willing to help in. For that, I am truly sorry.

I try not to blow hot and cold, but know that is how it seems to some. Give me time, give me a second chance to show you I do care enough to be there when it counts.

Well, that will do for now, this is a lot longer than originally planned, and has digressed somewhat from the blog entry I had in my mind a few hours ago. Bring on the Blackberry Priv and the chance to hammer out some of my old style blogs where the actual real time thoughts flowed from my mind.

Thanks as ever for reading, I hope it makes sense to some somewhere along the way. It certainly feels better to have said it all.

PS, some have recently commented that I seem unhappy, or depressed. I can neither confirm nor deny this. After all to some, my mood is their perception. Right now I feel like I am on top of things, happy in my day to day life, and making progress with current goings on in my life.
I of course bow to the superior knowledge of those outside my head, they can probably see a lot more of what is going on than I choose to let myself see. You concerns are appreciated, and I am in no way shrugging your opinions off. I am merely trying to stay positive and keep my head above water. I have had some lows that I am aware of recently, and right now feel better than I did then.

One day at a time eh, who knows, I might even work myself out one day and click once more.
And they say women are complex!
Then again, I have been told numerous times in life that I am in touch with my feminine side, so I blame that!