Category: Uncategorized

Dear NHS, yes she is eligible, but also HAS breast cancer and is being treated by YOUR health trust! Save some pennies and update your records eh!

Regards

Michael

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For making my blog a little popular. OK its not ground breaking stats, but knowing so many people read so much or my rambling, and that some even take something away with them is lovely for me.

I hope being part of my life is as special to you, as having you as a part of my life is to me.

Regards

Michael

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...is LOVE! Simple to spell, hard to say, easy to write, and almost impossible to define.
OK Baljit, this one is for you luvvie. Or inspired by our conversation anyway, the rest is all me, so here we go.

I once wrote a whole book on the subject, and maybe one day I will finish and publish it, if anyone really cares. It turns many corners and covers many examples, but who has the ultimate right to define the scariest word to utter? We all have our own meanings of the word. We make it, we feel it, we celebrate it, and we sing about it. It makes us happy, confused, safe and sad too, but 99% of us spend most of our life looking for it. Yet we don't even know what it is.

For me love is such a diverse word. It has such a simple outlining meaning, but is used in so many terms, that unless we explain sentiment correctly, we can end up causing confusion more than anything else. Think about it this way, I love my daughter, my mum, some of my friends, and driving fast. So how can the same word possibly refer to all of those things. There are of course a number of other loves in my life.
People capable of making me feel like no other can make me feel. Special, wanted, warm, and amazing too. As well as secure, safe, and isolated in such a beautiful way. Are you one of these people? Then I love you too.
Is there a limit to how many people we can love.. No, I truly don't think so. But can there be a limit on the number we are IN love with. To this the answer is a yes from me. For starters being IN love is a very deep and conditioned state. A level of commitment to someone you have a huge emotional attachment to. And to me, so huge is this commitment, that feeling it for one person alone is huge, let alone more than one (that would kill me I'm sure) I have only one true recollection of feeling this emotion, and if you have ever truly felt it, you are blessed, as so few really have.

How many do I love right now. On the grand scheme of things many. On the true emotional level, the number is much much smaller. The emotional kind of love for me is about a connection, and for that person to find a way through my defences and into my heart. Through acts of kindness, affection, warmth and compassion. Touching me in a way that no other has, and creating an inner peace in me that blows everything else away. It is rare for me to allow someone in to such a depth, as to have that access leaves me vulnerable, and I have to trust them to respect me as I respect them. Each time I find myself feeling love for someone in this way, it is never comparable to that for another. Each is unique, almost like an individual place for each person, which cannot be filled by another.

To tell someone you love them, for some is a very difficult thing to do. For me, saying the words "I love you" is easy. But explaining HOW is somewhat more difficult at times. Try telling someone you love them, and most will either start to plan a wedding or run a country mile! Both before even contemplating what you mean when you say it.

Love conquers all, love breaks hearts, and love is SO under rated and misunderstood. For the few who have truly found the meaning of the word and embraced it, you are rare, and should cherish everyday of your confidence with this complex emotion. And those who don't understand it... Try harder, its in us all if we just let people close enough.

I guess this is a bit of a mish-mash of everything covered in my longer writing in the book, so probably a little confusing, but I hope you get the meaning of it all.

If you love someone, tell them, let them know, and let the world know. And if you are reading and wondering..... Yes, I do love you ;o)

X

Regards

Michael

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Have you ever thought of writing such a passage, or even trying to record it on video or audio? Every time someone I know passes, I always wonder the things that were left unsaid. People who never knew that one thought they had always held onto, and maybe those who were never told how special there were.

We are all familiar with last will and testaments, but too often these are short formal documents that do nothing really than cause arguments and tension, and relate only to money and possessions. But what about your true final words, your secrets. The things you dared not utter until there was no consequence. Or could just never say to the said person.

Some of you will read this and say "I know exactly what you mean" and others will simply thing "wtf". So allow me to explain what I really mean.

In life we encounter many people, we get to know all sorts of people on so many levels. Some we grow close to and let them into our hearts, others we tread carefully with, damage limitation or a safe arms length is as close as they will ever get to us. Ultimately there is only a small select few that will ever share our full life, and know on our death bed everything there is to know. No hidden feelings, no secret emotions etc.

This for some people leaves a wide scope of people who will never know something we have wanted to tell them. It could be "I broke the window that you got the blame for when I was 8" or it could be something deeper, more passionate and emotive. Undeclared feelings, "I love you" or something else that a person could treasure knowing for the rest of their lives.

Problem is, does a married man dare declare his undying love for an ex, does someone in a relationship risk all to tell their old class mate that they were always the one in their heart, and so on.

Admission of guilt is one thing, coming clean, clearing the air and making amends is of course important, but we have ways of forgiving people for such trivial wrongdoings as breaking a window, nicking a fiver, or seeking out when you told your friend you were too ill to see them. However the emotional part is the awkward one. So few people are capable, let alone willing to express their emotions explosively, and truthfully. Many people carry a torch for someone in their past, but never admit to it. Not that knowing the truth would change the course of history for either person, but as a parting gift, leaving a piece of your heart is amazing.

Just before John Littlebury died we had a long heart to heart on the phone, apologies made from both sides for the distance that had grown between us, memories revisited, and common ground remembered, reminding us why our friendship was over 30 years old. On hearing he had passed I was naturally sad, but for the first time in losing a friend I also felt at peace with him, and him with me. I didn't feel anything was unfinished or unsaid, and having that knowledge really made such a difference to letting someone go so suddenly.

So I ponder my own fate, and think of all the things that circumstance has prevented me from saying. Thousands of things rush to the front of my mind when I think like this, many too trivial to cover off, but if time allowed me I would love to record as much as I possibly could, so that when my day comes, my friends and loved one can hear from me my favourite times shared with them, and if anything is left unsaid, that will be the time for me to wrap that up.
I don't think I have ever not told someone I love how I feel. But the reminders are important to. Knowing that love was there is nice, but to know you died with that emotion still glowing within is priceless to some.

So now I am left wondering how I write and maintain my parting words. I'm not planning on going anywhere soon, but time is a bitch and waits for no man. I have seen too many now, all young, just taken away in the blink of an eye, and wonder how many people never knew something that the person had carried with them for years, never finding the time or the words to share it.

I guess this is for me to work out how to do, and I'm sure I will be open about its existence when I start it. But to make sure everyone knows my thoughts and feelings about them today, until my final day is dear to me, and something I will do for sure.

So I ask you this.... Think carefully now. Does every person in your life, past and and present know their place in your life. Know how you feel and care about them. Have you managed to tell everyone you love that you love them, or thank them for their contributions to your life, regardless of how small. Imagine an oscar acceptance speech, a short window of time to think and thank as many as you can. Why rush, why leave anyone out, when you can write a journal, an email, a letter or a simple text file where you can direct someone to after your passing.

Leave everyone a gift, a sentiment, and your unspoken words. Leave them a piece of you to carry for eternity.

Thank you for reading.
RIP to all my friends I have lost already. Thank you all for your rich contributions to my life.

Regards

Michael

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...To anyone who had to put up with this miserable sod wallowing in self pity yesterday, seeking emotional attention for what now seems like the sake of it.
The weekend has been a long one to say the least. With a high load of emotion and complexity (my favourite word right now).

Lots of shocks, a few nice surprises, many smiles and laughs, and ending with the devastating news about Tas. Needless to say by last night when the news started to filter through I was truly emotionally at my capacity and over flowing. If I could have gone to sleep then I'm sure I would still be sleeping now, such was the feeling of being drained of energy.

I remember very little about the drive home, other than feeling sick, and spending the whole time trying to distract myself with happy and positive thoughts from the weekend. Luckily there were plenty to keep me going along the way, so thank you for giving me those smiles.

One thing I could not escape replaying over and over in my mind was the conversation with Kim. Hearing her happy on the phone, waiting for her to find some quiet at the party she was at to hear me properly, then punching her in the stomach so hard with those words. 🙁 I'm sorry for doing that Kim. I still keep playing that over in my head.

Thank you also to Cadell for being there when the news dropped. Amazing how timing can bring you to a place of comfort just in time to receive such news. Sorry for dumping all that on you like that, especially as you were getting ready to go out. Hope my mood didn't affect your night.

I have just spoken to Dave Rolfe, a long time friend who I have not actually spoken to verbally for a long time. Quite emotive really, as it reminds me of how a close bond with someone neer really fades, and that you can always have a conversation like you last spoke only yesterday. The true sign of a friendship and its strength. Cheers for the call fella and hope to do lunch soon.

So today is starting slowly, a new dawn, a new day, opportunity to make a difference on this day. Just lacking motivation to even get out of bed right now. I'm sure I will soon though.

Right, with that in mind I better get on.

Sorry and thank you to all involved.

Regards

Michael

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Just heard the heartbreaking news that another young friend has lost his life to illness. Details are sketchy right now but appears he lost an ongoing battle with a brain tumour.

Your passing leaves a huge hole to fill Tas Hossain, and many people are without words right now at the news. Thoughts and condolences to his family and loved ones.

My apologies to Kim for breaking the news in such a way over the phone, but I wanted you hearing the news first hand, and not getting confusing messages.

Now to feel sorry for myself. 200 miles from home, no medication with me, feeling ultra low, and a long lonely drive home. Should be fun huh.

Thoughts and hugs to anyone affected by this news.

Regards

Michael

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A quick pic of my Aunt 🙂 yay

Regards

Michael

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My brain has now officially overheated. Time-out

Regards

Michael

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Cor blimey its been a while since I did anything like that, a conversation of such depths with someone. I have done counselling, and 'heart to hearts' but nothing quite as deep and personal as I have just been with my ickle friend Kim.

And you know what, it feels bloody good to have someone tap into you for a while and drain off some of the excess pressure life loads on you. I never thought I would be talking apocalypse with Kim, let alone climate change. Sex, well duh yeah, obviously, this IS Kim after all lol (sorry hun x)

It wasn't my intention to go there and babble on for hours, or even talk about me really, ok maybe a little. But given how our conversations have always evolved, I guess it was inevitable.

Its strange to try and explain your life choices at times. To yourself they seem and sound so simple, but when you try and explain things, until a parallel can be drawn it is hard to make sense of them yourself for a while, let alone help someone else understand where your decision came from. Especially on the scale we are talking here.

Taking an unplanned time out today (not gonna explain lol) I am just mulling over what has been discussed today, letting the topics soak in. Considering advice given and received, and trying to fit everything back together. Its a bit like having a jigsaw with alternative pieces. For a while you have to take pieces out, leaving the picture incomplete, and for a while it seems confusing. But then you decided if you want to keep the originals or replace with the new pieces (opinions, beliefs, understandings) and put it all back together again. And that's what I'm doing now.
Making my pictures up again, and standing afar to see if I like what I see. And so far I do.

I am not fixed in my ways and am always willing to take on board peoples opinions. Today I don't think my opinions of any of my things have changed as such, but maybe perception has shifted slightly. Talking about things face to face has that effect on me, and I dig deeper to resolve situations, answer questions etc.

Having made some strange decisions recently (for me anyway) I have tossed them around in my head for quite a bit. Happy with them, just not quite understanding how I made the decisions. But now I seem to see things a little better, so thank you Kimberley :op

Blimey, all that talking, thinking and typing has made me rather tired... I need a nap now.

Make the most of a lovely warm day people.

Regards

Michael

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Isn't that the name of that stupid game in which you live out a different existence, with an alter ego, in a world of fantasy? Something like that anyway. Well in certain walks of life this kind of life really exists, and here I am to prove it.

Putting my weekday life behind me, I packed a little bag up last night, went through my contacts, and decided who I would like to see, and more importantly who would like to see me. (Much shorter list, trust me!) After a bit of rest I hit the road, and here I am, 6.30am in Droitwich, waiting for the Moult household to awaken, to see Kim, Chris and Livvy. This was a bit of a last minute change of plan really, but Kim knows that, and still thinks I'm insane for coming up.

However sometimes conversations are best had face to face, and that's what this weekend is all about for me really. Not sure how many other house calls I will get to make along the way, but each one in my mind requires a certain level of depth, and some person on person time, rather than phone calls and messages to try and get something across. Face to face is sincerity to me, and when it comes to the heart, I only do sincere.

I bet when you first started to read alter ego and fantasy you were waiting for something really wow and revealing, but sadly there is nothing there which I'm going to be sharing anytime soon.

So the second life, my "weekend life" so to speak is all about reaching out to others. Helping and being helped to deal with all sorts of problems, dilemmas, and really just about being sociable and caring towards those I care about. Communication is key, and to have actual one to one time with any of the people I may see this weekend is something special. From my perspective I have a lot on my plate, or plates should I say, and each person I hope to see is perfect for taking one thing off a plate.

To break away from the routine, to escape from reality for a while, to exist in a different way is where Cadell and Archie come into things. A million miles from the life I live right now, yet so refreshing to be there, and forget the illness, and other worries that blights day to day life.
To talk about my deepest fears and "secrets" even though I don't consider myself to have secrets, that's what seeing Kim is to me. A deep connection, a trust that has never faded, and a sense of responsibility to her is what talking to Kim gives me. For years we have talked about anything and everything in either one of our lives, and found peace in sharing our thoughts with one another.

My aunt who I hope to get over to, well that hardly needs explaining really. A big part of my childhood, who I distanced myself from in young adult life, and now realise the errors of my ways, and am trying to now play a big a part as possible in her life as she battles with cancer. We have the most varied conversations, remembering things from my childhood, talking about world events, and of course discussing mum. Time passes so quickly with Joan it is unreal. Best of all it allows me to communicate in such a pure and un impressionable way, not needing to project an ego or personality, I can just be plain old me.

So the time is passing on, the calling of a McDonalds breakfast gets louder, having not eaten since lunchtime yesterday. Making plans sucks lol, never quite works out, and its only at 7am you start to remember what you missed out the day previous. The sun is rising, birds are starting to sing, and the dawn of a new day is upon us. What will this day actually bring by its end, time will reveal all I guess.

So that's me for now, a little weary from the drive, but enjoyed the scenery and different roads, and contemplating filling myself with the evil that is McDonalds.

Hope you have a great day, watch out for updates if I have unexpected free time later.

Regards

Michael

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