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My mind is telling my body to do this. Weird time of day to have a thought like this I know, and the quality of this entry will be poor. But as I lay here awake at this ungodly hour, my mind in thinking about escape.

I guess I have grown too accustomed to upping and running recently, but its such a great feeling to get away from it all for a while, who in their right mind would not want to do that. Respite, care break, escape, call it what you may, but I'm addicted now to that new found feeling of freedom that I get.

The weekend is fast approaching, the opportunity to go "on tour" and see a few faces, who will bring a smile back to my face from deep within, is almost too much to resist. So if you are free, and I can get to you, maybe its your door I will be knocking on 🙂

Sorry, this is a bit of a random ramble, but just wanted to say, I miss my escape right now.

Regards

Michael

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Chemical or metaphoric, both make one hell of a difference. But there is a price to be paid for either. I have been taking an anti depressant for a few months now, and all seemed under control, days were somewhat more bearable, and the stress levels felt under control. But the price for using these is that the mind becomes a little numb. The best example of what I mean is writing this. Yesterday and days previous my heart and mind spoke clearly, and writing just flowed, but today, its foggy, and finding the right words is more of an effort. (Might be noticable just from reading, I don't know)

Then there is the other kind of 'drug'. Drug being a metaphor for something else, or someone else. Replacing the chemicals in the drugs with something else which causes the same effect is a positive thing for sure. The drugs I use assist with the release of Serotonin in the brain. The stuff that makes you happy and relaxed. But if you can find an escape from what is bringing you down, then maybe, just maybe the brain can produce this on its own. And it has been.

So managing to escape the daily grind a few times recently, it has been refreshing to say the least. But the result of this was such a natural high, I took a chance and stopped taking the medication. And all was well. Well in past tense you may notice. You see the problem is, its all very well having a replacement 'drug', but if there is a break in the supply, then its not really sensible to swap over. Feeling this good naturally, I won't deny it has been a great feeling, but at the end of the day, popping a pill out of a packet daily, to protect yourself from bombing out and crashing to the ground is the safer and easier option.

So the upsides to pills are its easy to take, regular, and effective. And the upsides to the alternative... Well its natural, allows clarity, and feels fantastic. But there are downsides too. Pills make my mind foggy, leave you not knowing what a good and bad day really feel like, and dependency becomes a worry. The downsides to the alternative, well addiction is definatly the biggest problem there, and the problem that causes is lack of supply. Without the escape there is no good feeling, and with no good feeling comes the inevitable crash... Which happened last night.

After a conflicting day, with no upper so to speak, by the evening with more and more stress building, I reached sulking point. And I mean that quite literally. The point where my mind doesn't want to bother trying anymore, and suddenly I physically feel myself going inward. Backing away from anything. It was feeling like that, and remembering why I use the meds that has been the lesson for me.

Yesterday I felt the same way I have felt for months previous to starting the pills, but thankfully for just one evening. Its almost like peering into someone elses life, and feeling their despair and helplessness, then with the click of your heals, being able to escape it all back to relative safety.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond to my "self pity call" last night and get me back in the safe place.

Today, I shall try harder.

Regards

Michael

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Its not like I have timed it this way, or that I have saved spot 200 for something substantial. But its how these things pan out. Having whined for the past few days about some pretty insignificant things, I have just heard from someone who is treading a similar path to my own, and its not great news.

A short while ago I received news through my beloved BBM from a guy who is watching/ supporting his mother through cancer also, and sadly their news is less joyful than some I have heard recently. Having been what seems recently diagnosed with cancer (prob some 6 months or more in reality). Sadly her progress appears to have been somewhat more rapid.

Her condition has worsened now. So from giving advice and talking about what to possibly to expect, suddenly Nick is the one in territory unfamiliar to me.

For the first time in a while I am somewhat lost for words I have to say. Today really seems to have spiralled downwards from the start, and now I honestly feel myself reaching for the tablet packet once again, worried that my mindset will again get a little out of control.

How selfish this sounds, starting an entry about someone suffering, and ending worrying about myself, but suddenly my eyes are wide open to how fluid life really is, and how much can change in such a short space in time. Like the change of a tide, suddenly the water is rising and panic is setting in again.

My thoughts are with you all, I dedicate this to Nick and his family.

Regards

Michael

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Life is never really as simple as it seems. While travelling in a straight line it seems obvious what we are heading towards, but then we reach a bend in the road, and the view of the horizon changes, the end of the road becomes uncertain, and we are once again left wondering where this journey is really taking us.

So many examples of this exist, in our work and private lives. A promotion at work seems a dead cert, until a new person starts, strolls straight in and takes up the promotion from under you. A relationship can seem fine, then the horizon changes, the vision of the future changes and bang, you are on your arse wondering what the heck just happened.

I guess one of the problems is the word "plan". A word I have tried to avoid for years now as it seems whenever you plan something, officially, you crash and burn. While if you quietly hope for something, everything seems to pan out just fine.

The solution, well its not to plan of course, and just to watch the road just ahead of you, not assume anything, and just wait and see what you arrive at when you reach the next junction.

For me recently, the road ahead has not only been bumpy, but also like a winding country road, nothing ahead has been clear for more than 50 metres. So its time to apply the brakes, maybe even pull over in a layby and check the ancient roadmap of life and see if I am still on the right road, or if I took a wrong turn somewhere along the way.

I'm sure I'm not far from the right place to be fair, but better to be safe than sorry I think.

Life eh. Never a bore, always a challenge. But you know what its like, sometimes you find a new road, a new route, and it becomes that guilty pleasure where every once in a while you can take it, be a little crazy, let your hair down, and be a kid all over again.

This random ramble was brought to you by a 2001 AA Road Map.

Regards

Michael

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Or the next step of sheer stupidity? Just writing this alone kind of suggests the latter, however I am compelled to follow the advice of the professionals, rather than relying on guess work and suggestions from untrained individuals.

Yesterday I went to see my GP to review my situation, and the outcome was not good. Ok I should rephrase that, its not that anything has got worse, but the decision that I was hoping to hear, and work have been very keen to hear, did not happen. He has decided that I am still in no mental state to take on the responsibility of work, and decided to sign me off for a further six weeks. He was also keen to impress that the reason for signing me off was for anxiety and stress, and not so I can look after my mother. He feels that the reasoning has become blurred recently and wanted to make sure everyone involved knew why I was off and were not making their own reasons up.

I am sure that this is now going to have serious implications with work now. It has already been expressed that this can't go on, and that some commitment is needed from me to allow them to maintain a working relationship with me, which I think I understand fully, and of course appreciate their predicament. However I cannot just snap my fingers and make all the worry go away.

A couple of recent breaks from home have helped me see just how much I stress about things in day to day life. And an outburst at a neighbour the other day demonstrated to me just how fragile the balance with me really is right now.

I am not sure how I feel right now about matters. Knowing my full sick pay has run out, and drops to 50% now, feeling like people are conspiring against me (strong words I know) to uproot me from work, wondering what the next step is regarding work, will I be dismissed etc? And of course worrying about how I will cope if the dynamics should change so much and so quickly. Not exactly the sorts of things that make me feel any better, or help recovery from this all, but realities that need facing when I can.

Something tells me this whole thing is about to pick up speed in a whole new direction very soon. I just hope the world is ready for it.

Regards

Michael

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All a bit weird I know, but sometimes you don't realise the significance or impact something as simple as this can have on you. At least until you look at it from another perspective. Let me explain what I mean. Those with BBM will understand, the Applalti out there will just sneer or snarl I'm sure.

BBM is no different in principal to other IM applications, allowing chat from anywhere in the world. The differences are, there is more of a "community" with BBM so adding strangers from all over the place is not only accepted, but fun too. Especially for someone like me. Taking a peek into people lives in many countries, from different backgrounds etc. A little nerdy I know, but what can I tell ya, I like it.

Over the few years I have been using Blackberry I have built up what I like to consider quite a solid contact base. Having all sorts of "friendships" with people on there, both UK based and from thousands of miles away too. Even simple things like staying in touch with people you don't get to see everyday, and otherwise would not communicate with. During this time, many existing friends have jumped on-board the Blackberry bandwagon, and also something I never imagined has happened...

"Random adds" have turned into genuine, real, physical people. I never imagined that I would start making a habit of meeting strangers in such a way, but I have to tell you I'm glad I have. Towards the end of last summer Amber, who I had been talking to for over a year, turned up at my work. We went for a rather amusing coffee (I had a HOT chocolate), and have since hung out, done dinner and still talk quite a bit, even though she abandoned me for Europe lol.

And recently there is Cadell. Chatting since autumn last year, and now at that comfort zone of talking about anything and everything, I recently met her too. Having talked, eaten, and spent time there, not forgetting lil man Archie who really does just make you smile and laugh (hiya), there are really no stones left unturned.

I guess what I am trying to say is, BBM is a very unexpected way to expand a friend base. With the contacts I now have on BBM, some still yet to meet too, including Sammi, Rob and Lizz, I can have adult, or very childish conversations with a multitude of people. Sharing our experiences, helping each other with problems, bouncing ideas off one another, or simply (what I'm best at) just sounding off, blowing off some steam, and making sense of what's going on with something.

Escapism is probably the best way to describe it really. A quick getaway to somewhere where people can and will listen, will throw their own ideas into the pot, and a place where usually you come away from feeling a little better about the situation and yourself.
Some play a bigger role than others in this. Some you trust more to confide in, others have so much experience with life and what it can throw at you. Undoubtedly the most important thing discussed on a regular basis is of course cancer. Some having such a deep experience with this that it humbles me. Sharing their experiences and listening to mine has truly been life changing for me.

OK I won't go on too much, but I just wanted to say, thank you to those who use BBM and stay in touch. Be it from work, USA, or right here in the UK. Its great to have such a fun bunch, and trusted group of people to speak to and turn to when the need arises.

BBM Rocks!

PS if you are reading this, have a Blackberry but don't have me on your BBM.... Add me 🙂 pin:222D182E

Regards

Michael

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Ok so they are actually song lyrics from Example's 'Two Lives' track, but the more I listen to it, the more I can relate on a number of levels. Recently I bought some CD's just to freshen up the music in my car, and this track appears on one of them. I had not paid much attention to the track before. But having spent a lot of time driving recently I have heard it over and over, and it almost haunts me right now if I'm honest.

I have spent a lot of time reflecting on aspects of my life over the past week or two, and come to a simple conclusion. I indeed have a split personality or two lives. Not in a mentally unstable way I might add, although some might disagree. But seriously, I really do. When I look at certain parts of my life, I realise how differently I can behave towards an almost identical situation. And in another respect I have two completely different sides to me with regards to life in general. Both side knows nothing about the other side. A social line drawn which is never crossed.

I have actually been like this for about ten years now, but its only been recent weeks that have made it apparent that the divide remains firmly in place. Its almost like a 'work life, home life' thing, but on a far grander scale, with a whole heap of complexity mixed in for good measure. I bet you are reading this now thinking "he hasn't taken his medication has he", and to be fair, you would be right at this moment in time. But I'm not going mad, honest.

Let me try to explain this a little more before someone sends the men in white coats.

Ok, before getting all historical I should point out. I have recently realised how much of my life remains behind closed doors. Sure this blog delves, but at times it only scratches the surface. A recent conversation with Cadell highlighted this, and no matter how much I thought I was telling, it appeared there was so much more untold.
So historical time...
About 9-10 years ago I was having a conflicting time. You!? I hear you say! Yup simple little me. Once upon a time I was "popular" shall we say, and known by my nickname of 'Snazy', Google still bares the scars of that era lol. However, while digging deep one day, and starting to feel rather down, I realised no one really noticed a change in me. Then I started to see that 'Snazy' was a totally different person to Michael, and more of a crowd pleaser than a genuine person. It was all an act. So in an exercise to prove my point to a close friend, I asked her to contact 10 mutual people on MSN and ask them a simple question, "do you know Snazy's real name".... The replies were as shocking as I expected, and to her surprise maybe one of the ten got it right. (Remember this Kim?)

I think 'Snazy' died that night, or certainly in my mind he did. From that day on I promised myself it was all about ME and not about putting on fronts to make people happy. I guess to a degree I succeeded, and for a long time I have been very much one person. Until now anyway. Or maybe the past 2-3 years even. Either way, to me it is getting more and more noticeable.

The driving force behind the split is not as clear cut as before. It seems I need to be one person to deal with everything about mum, health etc. And I suppose my day to day life, dealing with work (speaking to them), coping with depression, and trying to stay as fully functioning as possible. While on the other side there is "me". What I would like to consider the real me. I will call this one Michael lol. As opposed to the serious, load baring, complex emotion filled guy, there is this far more simple side. Caring, fun loving, and a little bit stupid I guess.

Is there conflict between the two, is it hard to cope with? Well no, I don't think it is. But recent experiences have shown which side of me I resent so to speak. I don't regret being here for mum, not even the mental state it has put me in, but when I get the chance to be me for a while, I long to stay with my alter ego a little longer. Returning to normality gets harder and harder each time. Spending time away from the pressures of dealing with all of this is an absolute god send, and I love the company I get to keep during this time. But I know mum comes first, and ultimately I have a duty to carry out.

My hope is that one day I can just be one simple person again, and not be at constant battle with myself and my life to try and co-exist with myself.

Being so divided whilst being one person has all sorts of prices to pay. From social aspects, right through to making decisions. Working out how to deal with the work situation for example. Part of me has loyalty to the employer who has carried me for ten years. The other side is mad at myself for worrying about such things while mum is so ill. This is one of the reasons that I ended up on medication lol.

Right, my mind is playing a tug of war with all this, so I'm going to leave it there for now.

But I will close by saying this. If you read my blog regularly and sometime see conflicting statements. If there are obvious different writing styles, or if it just all seems a little hot and cold.... Welcome to the inner workings of my mind.... Messy isn't it!

Regards

Michael

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Today I have to see my GP. My sick certificate for work runs out today, and work are also keen to know what his opinion of me returning to work, even at reduced hours will be. My GP is also my mothers GP, so he is aware of both sides of the coin, and not just relying on me weeping "I can't cope" once a month. I respect his opinion totally, and he does not hold back his feelings on matters.

At the same time, there is a certain amount of 'pressure' from work now to make a decision so to speak. They are not a charity and have their own affairs to deal with, I understand this. However at the same time, I have my affairs to deal with, and mum I'm sorry to say is a firm Number 1 in my books. So any pressure to make me choose between them is really only going to make matters worse, not better.

So at 10.40 today I will see my GP, discuss mum, discuss my current state, and the suggestions made by work that I start to return in a limited capacity, building back up to my full hours. Now this sounds like a dandy idea, and doing half my hours would indeed be an interesting reintroduction. However, just as me being off can't last for ever, nor can limited capacity working. So I am left wondering if that would put me in a vunerable position all round. Which obviously doesn't go down well with me.

Tomorrow work will be calling to see what the GP has said about it all, and that's where it could all get a little messy. I'm not for one second gonna second guess what will happen today or tomorrow, but can't help running scenarios in my head, over and over. 2 extremes are most common to be the outcome. First that the GP says try going back, all works out and I manage to get back to a share between work and home. And the other being the GP decides trying to split myself like that is risky, and that I need to get my mind right before adding more strain, and signing me off. Causing work to 'take action' and look to working me out of the business. This is the strongest one for me at the moment to be fair.

In reality, I can't control the outcome, as much as I would love to. Getting back to work would be a positive step for me, and possibly be just what I need to break the day up. But with the responsibility load I already have, and the small amount of stability I have managed to find, I am more than aware how this could all spiral out of control too.

Yesterdays example was my sister messaging me to say she had found the doors open at home. Mum had opened the door for someone at some point, and again forgotten to close or lock the doors. Is this a worry, errm yeah!! On multiple levels. She did the same a few days back too and blamed anyone but herself.

Anyway, like I say, I can't control it, so no point in dwelling on it I guess. It is what it is, so I will deal with it from 11am!

Its a lovely day outside, great for a walk to the doctors. Just got to wait on the district nurse to come, then hopefully take a walk to the doctors. Then after the afternoon carer has been, maybe take mum to the park for a wheel in the sunshine. Feed the ducks, and relax a little.

I will no doubt be back later to tell you what happened at the doctors, but for now, have a great day and hug someone you love 🙂

Regards

Michael

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I have decided to to start a separate blog to try and capture the entire journey with mums cancer, from my perspective. So often it seems that carers are forgotten when talking about cancer and it's effects, but I can tell you first hand it is NOT easy coping at times.

So I have started this new blog.

http://annsnasdell.blogspot.com/

Its now gone 4am and I am what I like to call "fast awake". Mind racing, wide awake, and no chance of it letting up right now. When it reached 2am and I had only napped I decided for some bizarre reason, that walking the dogs might help. Dinner was a little carb heavy tonight, so I thought burn off some of that, calm the mind and sleeeep! But no, it hasn't worked.

I should say at this point, thank you to Cadell for your company on BBM in these early hours. I'm sure you could be having much more fun than talking to me, while you are out meant to be having fun. And Naruto (aka Ricky) for the company and comments/ suggestions on Facebook. On the walk the company has been invaluable and broken my train of thought nicely. Probably saving me from eternal doom at the mercy of my wild mind.

As I walked for the past almost 2 hours I have thought of numerous names for this entry. Various takes and angles on what to write, and tried to delve into what could be causing this broken sleep recently, but by the end of over 7 miles, I came up with.... Nothing basically, hence the name.

I have however identified some projects, self help ideas if you may, and one makes me think it will really work. The key one being a diary styled book. As some of you may know I have already begun a book project some years ago. Its purpose, much like this blog, was to clear the mind of deep thoughts. However its purpose ran far deeper than ever expected. Full of open and honest emotions, and reflecting on my experiences in life, it seems to have struck a chord with some people, even having quite a profound impact on some.

So my thought is to do this again, record the journey with mum and her battle with cancer, from a 3rd party view. As her carer and son, attached in so many ways, yet trying to remain detached for sanity reasons. Titles right now evade me. The mention of cancer seems inappropriate, but not mentioning it seems like shying away from the truth. I'm sure I will come up with something, but in the meantime the writing shall begin very soon. Time to fire up the netbook!

I have the foreword and first couple of chapters written in my head already, the rest, well I'm sure that will flow, just like "The Truth About Love" did, and as the story draws to a close, the ending will write itself. I am sure this blog will prove a good reference source for me, as well as other internet sites where I have recorded aspects of the journey.

So what else is there? Well another thing I have decided to do is "A letter to mum" Just like a few days ago, making an entry regarding the people who surround me, I feel there is a lot to say to mum, and for me the best way is to write it, share it, make sense of it, then say it properly. Might sound a bit freaky, but with anything emotive I like to sound myself out first, before storming in without thinking.

Speaking of storming in, I managed to pick an argument with a neighbour and his friend this evening. Coming home from the shops the driveway was blocked. Unpacked the car, went indoors just as the owner returned. Deciding it wasn't good enough I went out to speak to the owner. Looking back I was quite rude to him, and he was apologetic for his actions. However as I walked away I heard what I had just said to him, realised I was harsh and went back to apologise. Thankfully both of them were understanding, we shook hands, made peace and left it there, with a smile and a laugh. Phew.
All a bit weird for me to be that confrontational about something like that, especially given the odds being against me lol. But that's where I am right now. Unstable, realistic, not sure what to call it really.

Ok, so that's my ideas for now. Proper writing starts soon, so I better try and sleep now. As ever, thanks for reading, and thanks again for the company tonight/ this morning

Regards

Michael

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