My mind, my fight, my story.
Very simple entry, short and sweet really.
Today is a year to the date that one of my dearest friends passed away.
Graeme Breen, you still do, and forever will be held in such a special place in my heart.
Gone but never forgotten, rest in peace my brother. Love you x
Got to hate them. I'm flying now with my training, and all the while encouraging more and more to join the P90Xpress, but there comes a time when even a perfect flow gets interrupted. Play this time has been spoiled by weather. Very heavy rain has stopped the morning and now the evening dog walks, and my body is now overflowing with energy.
The solution is to do another session of P90X, the plan is to join the other half with Plyo tonight. That's the plan anyway, I might yet get told to piss off lol.
Meanwhile, damn I have been hitting the last few sessions hard. More considered intake, with the addition of protein and creatine too, it all adds up. Today for example with back and biceps, I was seriously on fire. Digging deep, pushing to the limit and beyond. I'm in the phase where your body reminds you just how alive you really are, and what you can actually achieve if you commit.
This is a place I hope I can remain for the next few weeks, to the finish line of round 1.
After that I think its time for round 2. I have some new found friends and motivators in the form of Jace's Warriors. A P90X coach and a Facebook group, with far reaching influences. New found drive, and the ability to help encourage and motivate others. What a great opportunity. So thank you to Jace and the gang for this chance.
The plan is to jump right in the middle of a group P90Xpress, joining their group challenge at around week4. Hopefully this time with all the equipment, bands and dumbells I can really rock the P90X world hard.
So as I lay in the bath and unwind for a few mins, I contemplate the road ahead, the weigh in tomorrow, and what the finish line will look and feel like. One thing I know for sure, as I cross the line I will enter NikeTown and re-equip myself with new shoes, etc. Hey, I deserve them.
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And from power comes strength. Recent days have seen me face a sudden downturn in mood and mental state, suddenly I found myself plummeting towards the ground at a thousand miles an hour. Simple annoyance became huge grievances, and a tiny downturn became the up-ending of my world.
When such times arrive I have learned that it is time to dig deep, right into the core of your soul and find the energy to overcome the negativity. After a couple of days of fighting and digging I hit gold, and bounced back like an insane bungee, powering back to my former self and beyond. As I pushed back towards positivity I used the recently experienced negativity to fuel my fight back, and remembered how little I want to feel like that.
A reminder of how crap being down can feel is always enough to start the fight back for me, but at times like this, with such heightened emotions and mental state, the speed that the mood changes can be very sudden. I like to keep check on myself from time to time, observing certain aspects of my life, behaviours, and attitude towards issues, looking for signs that things are not right.
The biggest challenge we face with being down, depressed, unmotivated or unhappy is that we don't realise its happening until we are rock bottom. Running self checks has become an important part of my life nowdays, having experiences so many lows, especially in recent years. Depression is my enemy now, and not welcome in my life in any form. An evil place to be, somewhere so many people visit in their lives, and a place misunderstood by so many. Trapped, ashamed, and defeated are the common emotions we feel when there.
Give yourself a self check today, are you the real you, are you coping? True friends will usually be the first to indicate something is wrong.
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Aaah well, we all do dumb things at some point in my life I guess. For me, the most recent is jumping for joy. No, seriously quite literally jumping for joy.
When training the other day I realised how high I can jump now, and was impressed. Even by my standards, for a 200+lbs man, I can project myself pretty high from a standing start. In my usual high energy, unplanned fashion, that evening I decided I would do some jumping, so I did. Without really warming up or stretching, I did about 5 standing jumps, tweaking my achillies tendon in my right foot at some point. Doh!
Now there are 2 ways of going about this. I can carry on training, warming up gently until I have full range and motion in the tendon, then train. Or I can take a rest break to let things settle. My initial feeling this morning when I woke (in considerable discomfort) was to take a day or 2 off from everything, to allow nature to take its course. Yoga is the planned activity on my schedule today, and we all know how much I genuinely love yoga. But being realistic, I know that my form will be terrible if I try it today... Runners pose with a sore achillies... Hmm maybe not a great idea.
The conclusion I came to was as follows. Exercising the dogs in the morning is a 600+cal burning exercise, and can be as slow and gentle as I please. Yoga is the one that will cause pain and more damage if anything. So I have decided that if the weather holds out I will walk the dogs as usual, then skip yoga for today. In the hope that I can catch up with the program tomorrow.
There is another motivator driving me in this matter, which I will blog separately after the walk if all works out lol.
As a whole though, as I plunge deep into Week8 of P90X, I can truly say it has been life changing for me. I am already hunting out my next program, and have found 2 that fit the bill. P90X2 and Tai Cheng. For flexibility, balance and posture I have always fancied doing Tai Chi but never got around to doing it. Now however I have the motivation to do it, and also the discipline to follow a program. This is another thing I have gained from P90X. With Tai Cheng being a 90 day program also, this could cause complications for me, finding the time to do these things. But as we head into summer, there is more time in the day so to speak. Looks like summer mornings just got busy and exhausting. Or maybe I will do the Tai Chi in the evenings. We shall see.
Other than my achillies, and my on going achy knee, the rest of my physical health has been fantastic I have to say. Breathing is much improved, posture good, energy levels high, and general aches and pains have faded away. Comparing the minor ailments to the impact and intensity of the program, and for someone creeping up on 40, I think I'm doing ok.
There is still the matter of my little fat pocket on my tummy to deal with. If I can shift it or not remains to be seen, but a stricter diet from days 61 thru to 90 should tell me if there is a hope or not. Also just over a week left to go before Day 60 pictures. Exciting stuff or what.
Right, I'm gonna stop sulking and see if the weather will hold out for me to walk these dogs. Might be back with an update in a while.
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Whatever the case, know this... Quite frankly I don't care.
Don't ask me what has brought this entry on, I'm in a good mood, and positive too. Feeling good etc. In fact maybe that's it. For the first time in a long time I'm remembering who I am, and how well I get by regardless of the challenges facing me.
So yeah, let's go with that shall we. Finally I feel strong enough to look after No1, and that is without a doubt me.
A lot has happened, some pathetic outbursts by some people aimed at me. Trying to lose me my job, trying to make me as unstable as them, or just trying to be prize c**ts. Either way, whoever you are, and whatever your aim was... YOU FAILED! Probably not for the first times in your lives either, so I'm sure failure doesn't bother you too much. But at you I laugh.
So right now, the main thing is I LOVE ME! I respect myself and know what I can achieve if I put my mind to things. Thank you to those who stand by me, and who have remained at my side through thick and thin. I am eternally grateful to you and will forever be in your debt. Unlike the other group, these people are worth my time of day, and will always receive my utmost attention.
So like I said at the start, like, love, adore, hate, detest, dislike me, whatever the case, it doesn't bother me in the slightest. As arrogant as it might sound, I am who I am, and I like who I am. I won't be changing any time soon. So stick around, or move on.
Have a nice day 🙂 I'm gonna
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I was bound to arrive at it at some point, but its been so long since I hit one, that I forgot how big they can be. I am of course talking about the wall as a metaphor, and am not suddenly shocked to find a wall outside my house.
Somewhere along the line in any training program or routine you will come across the obstacle in your path. For some its a branch to hop over, other its a hurdle that just takes a bit of a push. But for some, me inc in this case, its a bloody great brick wall double my height, no ropes, no footings. Now if you have seen Run Fatboy Run, you will be familiar with this metaphor, and the struggle is can be to get past it, if not, you are probably a little confused right now.
Progress on Weeks 1 through to 5 have been without drama. Some aches and pains along the way, a touch of nausea here and there but nothing else. Today however, the start of Week 6 was a different matter. I woke very tired, lacking motivation, slightly upset stomach and nausea. Sensing trouble was ahead I decided there was only one course of action to take. Get some fluids in me, get off my lazy de-motivated arse, and get moving. So that's exactly what I did.
The key was to wake up, get my mind and body up to speed, and get focused on the usual routine. I just wanted to shake it off and carry on. The dog walks went to plan and were not too much of an effort, so I was ready for the P90X part of the morning. Chest Shoulders and Triceps is quite a demanding routine, and drains the last drips of energy from you quickly, so its sods law that was what today had in store for me.
As I got ready my body started to groan, and the first 20 push-ups of the day basically were the school bully, mocking me, throwing things at me, and picking on me. Trying to psych me out, and make me quit. Been there before! Turning it to my advantage I just got angry with the drop in drive, and used that to drive me instead. Pushing harder, using the anger and frustration within me to squeeze out the last few reps in each movement, and to move onwards to the next step. Watching the clock ticking down from 60 mins to the last few seconds.
At the last movement finished, and the cooldown begun, I could almost picture the wall exploding in front of me. Not content with getting over the wall, I had pushed so hard, like I was a bulldozer on tracks, not losing traction or momentum, and push push pushing my way through. Smashing through the wall, destroying it, and hopefully making sure it won't pop up in my way again any time soon. Worst case, next lap I will have some rubble to hop over.
The moral of this story is.. When challenges present themselves. Don't shy away, avoid or find a way around them. Conquer them, overcome them. Once they are defeated you will have new found strength, determination and confidence that NOTHING can stand in your way.
Week 6, Day 2...... I'm waiting for you!
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Morning y'all, another day, another workout session. What are you doing today. Any food treats for FriesDay? Another 1lb drops off the scales for me today, and now its time to hit P90X for Legs and Back, oh goody my favorites! Whatever you are doing, make it a positive one, and remember one day at a time = results.
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Its never an easy thing to do, everyone says you need to, everyone wants to tell you how to, but errrm, why?
Well in reality, at least in mine, I think its true. The only way you can get on with your life and have a worthwhile existence is to let go of the past and move on. But before I get going, or piss anyone off, let me explain.
No-one said letting go means to forget about things, and act like they never happened. If you think about it we do it over and over in life, without even thinking about it. Its just that some things take a little more effort to let go of. We leave school, change jobs, move away, etc. Every time we let a part of our life escape our grasps. No longer can we make more memories with that thing or person, no more can we interact, but is that the end of the world, or just a chance to continue on a slightly different path.
I guess a couple of factors control how we cope, and how we go about moving on. Firstly, who's decision was it. Did we have control of the situation, or was it just removed from our grasps without us having a say in the matter. The latter always sucks, and is pretty hard to accept. Its human nature to want to be in control. We feel safe like that, and there is accountability and blame easily found when we have control.
The second factor which will determine how we cope is 'what'. What this thing or person meant to us, and how integrated into our lives it has become. For close friends and loved ones this pushes our coping mechanism to its limits. Having lost a few good friends and my mother in the space of about 18 months I have become quite accustomed to my own way of letting go, but for others its not so simple.
Each of us will battle with the breakup of a relationship, the loss of a loved one, or anything as intimate as this in our own way. Be it through sadness and grief, or happiness and celebration (sounds weird but bare with me here.), the most important thing is that we DO IT!
For me, when John Littlebury passed away it was a bit of a shock. We had spoken only a week before for the first time in ages, we had spoken about a multitude of things including our long friendship, and that mattered. On hearing he had passed, while I was so far away from home, my first worry was the family. I was miles away, what if they needed me. My first words were 'the stupid sod'.
When I sat down and thought about it all, I wondered why I was not grieving, struck down with emotion, and was I in the wrong for not feeling anything more. But it made sense, we were at peace, and even after he is gone I have a head FULL of such amazing memories of being with John, seeing him settle down, his family grow, and the crazy things we had done over the years. They will never leave me, and whenever I think of John, I think of happiness, and the good times.
Just like a friend at school that I don't see anymore, we shared a period of our lives together, and I will always know I was blessed to have spent time with him.
Since then, as more have passed, including mum, I have followed the same process. Facing the reality of the loss, then reflecting on my memories with that person, then getting on with my life the way I know they would have wanted me to.
I said celebrate earlier, and this is why. For some reason when I go to a funeral, as I see the coffin sitting there, I get the very vivid picture that my friend or loved one is laying there, at peace, in no pain, and this is my chance to say goodbye. I don't know if there is an afterlife, if spirits are real, if we can really affect others with our thoughts and emotions, but if you can, then I want to send out warmth, love and happiness to the person I am letting go. A flood of memories fill my mind, and a warm feeling surges through me, almost like a vault of happy memories has been re-opened, and I can now re-live the memories over and over again. A smile will spread across my face, and I will for a moment feel at one, and at peace with the person. Our last seconds together should be happy, not sad.
For me, as I say it might be easy, or at least seem that way. I know for others the process is far longer and harder. But my message is to remind you that the love shared between to souls was and forever will be a two way thing. As we would never wish sadness on them, they would never want us to be sad, even in the wake of the loss of them. Take a second to think how YOU would want others to feel if you passed tomorrow. I can say without no doubt that I would not want a sad occasion, and would simply want people to have happy and full lives, with or without me.
However you deal with the loss of a loved one, remember that quite bluntly, life goes on. To cope with our day to day lives, to carry on being there for others and being ourselves we need to find a way to let go, but just of their physical existence. They will never leave your side, they will never wish you sadness, and the moments we shared will live on for an eternity.
I hope that some of this makes sense.
Today I let go of another friend. My release of him will be easier than many, but I promise not without sorrow. Farewell Darren Green, may your memories live on forever.
X
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What a great feeling it is, a morning of exercise and yoga. Awaken and stretch the body. Explore your mind, and sort out the good and the bad. Drive the weighty troublesome things from your mind, breathe deeply, and awaken the senses to the important things to you.
Exploring the physical limitations of your body, and striving to stretch further, reach higher, and expand your horizons. Motivating yourself to try harder, and appreciate anything is possible if you are willing to put the work in.
Nothing is impossible (within reason, we are not talking human flight here), and flexibility and physical capability is only limited by your mind and commitment.
Just like last weeks session, after winding down and meditating after the yoga session, it is truly and incredible feeling to just let it all go. For an hour you explore, and find all the negative in your mind, from life itself, and any doubts or disbeliefs you have about yourself. Then after that time you realise how far you have pushed yourself, how much you can achieve if you really want to, and see you have collected up a whole load of junk from your mind.
Those last few minutes of relaxation, breathing, and resting is the opportunity to press the reset button on your life, and it allows you to cleanse yourself, relieve yourself of all the things you have collected up, and just flush them away from you.
For me, I woke a little later than normal, had a hellish morning of delays while trying to walk the dogs to warm up, but once I got started on the yoga it all went away. Total immersion in the activity allowed me to let it all relax for a while, and now, as I sit on the train on the way to work I feel refreshed, revived, and alive.
Thank you P90X for an amazing yoga routine, and for giving me this great reset button on my life.
Bring it!
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Have you ever said or done something that you are SO sure is the right thing to do, but it turns out that you got it SO badly wrong you could not have even imagined it? Well if you haven't, allow me to explain how it makes you feel.
Worthless, despicable, and like the enemy.
I don't think I need to go into too much detail here, as the damage is done already. In fact writing this could actually be the worse thing I could do right now. But fuck it. Self pity is overcoming me right now, and a terrible sense of anger at myself for the hurt my comments may have caused.
My intentions were pure, and my only hope was to make sure the truth was told, and a clear reflection of things made. But instead I managed to alienate myself from a group of people I was trying to help and protect.
Maybe it didn't come across the way I hoped, or maybe the choice of words was really as bad as it seemed to some. Either way the damage is done, and the wounds are torn right back open.
So many times my words are apparently helpful, soothing and inspirational to some, but I guess this just goes to show that we all make mistakes, and for my mistake or misunderstanding today I can only say I am deeply and truly sorry. I never meant to cause offence.
What's done is done, but if you can for a second understand where I was coming from, it will put my mind at ease a little. For my stupidity I will be avoiding the topic and any gatherings. However please don't see this as a snub, its just my way of preventing any further problems for you all at this difficult time.
Sorry, to you all.
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