Category: Uncategorized

..or not as in my mums case right now.
I have taken a day off today to try and finally start tackling this whole hospital/doctor thing with mum, and rather than rushing at her, and having a heated conversation with limited time, I can just talk, nicely with her about it and try and talk her round to at least trying to tackle the breathing thing.

Granted, now she has a cold too, its going to mask some of the underlying issues for the time being. But ultimately she needs to get seen by someone, or the future is bleak right now.
I have come to terms with and accepted her wish to let the cancer run its course. I have spoken to the doctors and have an idea of what to expect as that gets worse, and have accepted that. But the bit I have not signed up for just yet is the struggling to breathe, fighting for air, and total immobility caused by this "oh I give up" attitude towards her breathing.

As I write this she is in the kitchen, smoking and choking away with the little air she can get into her lungs, if that's not giving up, I don't know what is. Because of this, spending time with her is becoming difficult. Trying to get her out for lunch or other such simple things for her to enjoy are just impossible now.

So the plan, well I don't actually have one. I want her to see a GP, but at the same time I would really like her to get referred to the hospital again, and maybe a short stay there to get some treatment, nebulisers, medication she cant avoid, and cut down on the smoking for now. This is honestly worse than knowing she has a terminal illness. Watching her just wasting away is heartbreaking to say the least.

Also today, between bouts with mother, I have to get to the housing office too, to get the paperwork sorted out for the house. Get some shopping in for mum as she appears to have run out of all kinds of food, not that she eats of course, it all tastes so foul and she can eat a thing.... yeah right!
The dogs will need their morning walk too, which today I think will have music playing through headphones too. Its strange, as much as I love being out with the dogs, in the fresh air, getting the heart going.... It drives me mad! Why? Simple, all that time to think, and I spend an hour and a half just stewing about stuff, winding myself up, running scenario's through my head, arguing with people in my head. Music silences the voices lol.

Right, I'm ready for battle..... let battle commence.

Got home this evening, and the first thing mother said as I walked through the door was "can you call the hospital and cancel my appointment"..... Suprise, she does not feel well enough to go.
OK Its sort of valid, she has a streaming cold, and does not feel she should be in there with other ill people. But at the same time its the blood test clinic, to check her blood is clotting ok with her Warfarin. So quite important.

I had suggested I would take her there, and we could wait out of the way from the waiting room til its her turn, but then the story changed, it wasnt about the other people, she is just to ill to go there at all, as she cant move about without becoming breathless.

On making suggestions of alternative arrangements, I was just read the riot act, and on daring to ask again when her appointment was, on this occasion so I knew when to call to cancel, I had my head blown off by a booming scream of "im too ill to go" So with that I called it a night.
A little selfish I know but with that last bit my stress levels were going through the roof, and I would much rather not have a full blown arguement with her about it.

So im hoping to take a day off work tomorrow, get the hospital sorted out, get her back down to the GP or even A&E to get checked out properly. Something tells me she will be getting admitted to hospital some time soon the way her breathing is going. And without the ability to talk to her about it and get through to her that she is making herself worse, she is unlikely to get herself out of this situation.

So damn frustrating watching someone you love run themselves into the ground like this. Cancer aside, I still dont quite grasp how someone can give up like this, and exist in such a state of suffering when help in on hand.

Blah blah blah and all that, you know how all the optimistic saying go right?

OK so a rather hectic weekend, but a fun one too, and one that involved lots of eating. Or a darn sight more than I did for the week.
Friday saw an extra large chicken shish kebab for dinner (grilled chicken) Saturday saw Nando's, more grilled chicken, but this time with chips and garlic bread, as well as some chocolate and popcorn in the cinema, and buckets of Diet Pepsi. Sunday was to be the day of rest for my stomach, but with such a lovely day we decided to go out for lunch. That resulted in chicken wings for starters, grilled chicken and chips for main, and apple pie and custard for dessert (and loads more Pepsi Max). So all in all my stomach had a full load to contend with.

This morning I was expecting a pound or 2 extra on the scales, but guess what..... 0.6 of a pound less. So official Monday morning weigh in is 235.4lbs. Back on the shakes immediately and for the remainder of the week now. Gym is postponed as I have a few things I need to do this week and want to get them out of the way before I can be 100% focused and committed to returning to the gym.

This morning I have been up early, walked and fed the dogs, run a few errands, and am getting ready to pay off my last outstanding debt, which is a nice feeling. I will also be running up more debt just as soon as AMEX recognise my payment to them and credit my account with the 2k I gave them.

On the downside, on chatting to mum just now, it appears she has cancelled a doctors appointment as she is "too ill" to go again. Still not grasping the concept of me taking her there obviously. So that has led to a heated discussion and setting her straight that its go there, or they come here, which she will hate even more. Just wish we could overcome this whole messing about and avoiding doctors thing.

Right, so like I say, busy week ahead, a few important things I need to get done, so hopefully a good week and will have something to smile about by the weekend. In fact maybe a few things.

Here's to a good week for all.

Once in a while it helps you remove yourself from your boots, take a step back, and reflect. Take stock of what you have, and realise that life ain't so bad after all.
We all manage to immerse ourselves so deeply in our world, our lifestyle and life within our own little bubble. But because of this we fail to see the bigger picture.

All around us is pain, suffering, and people struggling to achieve the most basic things in life. I'm not talking about the 3rd world, war torn nations etc, I'm talking about here, the UK, London. Poverty, addictions, pain and suffering from all causes.

I moan a lot about "not got enough money for this" but in reality I live a pretty OK lifestyle. 2 holidays a year.... my mum is 72 and never left the UK, not even France! Only an x" TV, only Y spec PC and so on. Because these are all things I take for granted, that I am entitled to, deserving of, and should have in my life.
Then there is health, arm ache here, operation there, moan, moan, moan. But then turn and look at my mum going through hell right now. She waited to tell me about her cancer until after my first operation because she didn't want to upset me during recovery from the op!

OK its all getting a bit deeper than I planned here, so stepping back a little. What I am trying to get across is for every misfortune you have in your life, there will be 1,000 others out there going through far worse. Your PC crashed? Lots of people would love to have a PC, never mind if it crashes. Your car running rough? The thought of independent transport for some is a fantasy.

Be grateful for whatever life gives you. We are all blessed with life itself, that's a damn good start. Life is full of challenges, but that's what makes it exciting and worth living. To face and overcome issue, to learn and to educate others with your knowledge.

So in brief... when you are under it, feeling down, unfortunate etc. Take a step back from the situation, and reflect on how bad the situation REALLY is. Drop the drama, and take it at face values.

Right I'm off to walk the dogs and hug a few trees, have a good weekend.

Seeing as it is a nice day, and im feeling good about the weekend, and the road ahead now I thought it was time to reflect a little, so here goes.

The last couple of years have been a bit of a challenge to say the least, with ill health, surgery, family drama, and some big changes in my social life and online persona. Many changes have happened, and tidal waves of emotions have washed over my life on more than one occasion. But you know what... im still here, still ready to take whatever life can throw, and ready to move onwards and upwards.

The next year or 2 will see some big changes in my life, lifstyle will be a big one, but I remain confident I can deal with this.
Why so confident? Quite simple really... Friends.

So I post this to say thank you to my closest and dearest friends who have been there for me through thick and thin. Stood by me at desperate times, and shown concern when all falls quiet. It is people like you who make the world a better place, and I am thankful and grateful to be blessed with such people in my life.

Thats my deep and meaningful done for another decade now.

An hour or so ago I passed mum in the hall way and she informed me she was not going.
I took 5 and walked the dogs to get my head together, then came home for a "chat" with her. On getting home I noticed she has been smoking, made a coffee, and had a bath, but is too weak to go hospital.... I think not!

Just had a gentle heart to heart with her, and explained I am not going to pressure her into treatment etc, I just want her safe. She followed this by telling me she almost passed out getting out of the bath... So my worrys are now justified.

Needless to say she is just getting ready (with my sister) to go to the hospital.

Back on track

In a bit of a muddle and a rush right now so can't get on the PC, so thought I would just add this via the Berry.

The good news is, after a stern chat last night, and assurances that she won't have to walk far at the hospital, mum has agreed to go to her Oncology appointment at Lewisham today. My sister has even decided to join us this time too.

Just got a bit of a manic morning planning dogs, breakfast and transport to the hospital, so I am off for now.

Back later with "what the doctor said"

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

Well thats about the only feeling I can really confirm at the moment, amongst the confusion and upset with mum, I can honestly confirm I definatly feel "alive"

Positives of the day, diet going well, weigh loss is constant (at the mo, it tails off in a bit) feeling awake and ready to go, no headache, half way through the week, and not feeling hungry lol.

Negatives, mum is still being a PITA about the hospital, mum still not very well, and I have not booked an appointment with her GP now because of the fuss she made yesterday (is this me getting weak?) Got to go to work in a while, and I have a really itchy armpit!

So, thats whats running through my mind at the moment, so maybe a little more detail and factual stuff eh.

Diet is going well, no problems with hunger yet. I have been having a tin of tuna in the evenings just to give the stomach something solid to chew over. And of course one of the meal packs a day has been a bar. Not going down that road again of trying to get my digestive system working again lol. Total loss since Monday is 8lb and a bit. 246.6 down to 238.4 Main thing for me is reaching a milestone quickly, it gives me a little drive.
The bulk of the weightloss is going to be the last of the solid foods exiting the body, after that it will slow down a little, but hopefully still be recordable daily. It I can get into the high 220's by the end of next week I will feel I am achieving something and remain driven. So lets see how that carries on.

Mum.... well she has decided she is not going to her appointment, but that is still open to negotiation tonight. If she does not want treatment, thats fine. But she has to at least know what the hell is going on inside her body. So at least there can be some forward planning, and knowledge for me and my sister to know whats going on, and what to expect to happen health wise. Fingers crossed she will see sense on that one.

In other news....
It is my nephews 11th birthday today, so Happy Birthday Calum.

Oh and finally.... why do cheques take SO long to clear when you are waiting on the cash!
OK so by all accounts its not a REALLY long time, paid in on Saturday, so 3 working days. But I am sure other cheques clear faster when you are not needing the money for something else.
Come on Natwest, thats all my money and I need to spend it all by the end of the week!
Worst part is, after finding "cheap" flights for the holiday this year, they are resting on this cheque too. No cash, no booking..... no booking, the price could rise (and with my luck WILL)

Im out, foodpack and work for me.
Make today a good one.

Having tried to avoid mentioning mums hospital appointment to her, its just been brought to her attention. Immediatly the defenses have started, and she has text a few times to say if she feels this ill on Thursday she is not going.

Now correct me if I am wrong, but are doctors not there to make people better. So if you are ill, you go and see a doctor....right?
So here we have the current situation. She is really tired and has no energy, her COPD is causing her problems so she cant breathe very well right now, and of course her cancer is coming back, so really she needs to see the Oncologist asap to get it all assessed and dealt with. However BECAUSE she is not feeling well she says she cant go.

Is it just me that thinks that all a bit mixed up. I mean its not like she has to walk or use public transport to go to the doctors or hospital. I will be taking her, and going in with her, so she wont be alone, or left to struggle from office to office.

I have said before I know, but have to say it again. I cannot understand, or relate to someone being ill but using that as a reason/excuse NOT to see the doctors. I understand that she is afraid of what they are going to tell her, and probably does not want to know if there is a finite amount of time left etc. I can definatly relate to not liking being prodded and poked, but at the end of it all there is one common goal.... Feeling better!

Surely regardless of what she wants the outcome to be, if she wants to fight the cancer or not, her main consideration should be quality of life, and comfort. In all honesty thats all I want her to have. I respect her choice, and if chemo and other treatments are not wanted, then I stand by her and will remain there.

However.... this is where I am coming from.
Its is upsetting to see someone just lay back and give up on life, especially one of your parents. It is frustrating to know there is help on hand, pain relief, and other things to make the last months/years comfortable, but to see the person refuse it. Possibly through not understanding what is available, possibly through fear of what they may find out.
And the part that tears me up, is the anger I feel deep inside, at myself for allowing this to go on. I cant find peace with myself right now, because of the conflicts within. Am I being weak for standing by and watching this happen? Am I pushing too hard and forcing her to take treatments she does not want? Its all rather confusing for me right now, and for that reason, I am at war with myself within.

Some rubbish like that anyway, to quote a song....
"Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me"
Maybe not quite that serious, but today marks an important day for me, time for a little change.

Finally on track in the brain department, I can start to take care of other matters like my incredible increasing weight for 1. Since I realised it was really starting to pile on I kind of gave up, and over did it slightly. But today that all changes.

The solution... Protikee. Similar to LighterLife, just half the price and no meetings. It worked before and it will work again im sure. Now that I can think straight, hopefully I can muster up some willpower too.

Right so the first stage of any diet should begin like this... My name is Michael Snasdell and I know I have a weight problem. Currently 246lb, which is 3 stone heavier than I ended my diet on 2 years ago. But given what has been going on, and what the predictions were, its not so bad. So today it all begins. Yesterday I had a blowout of food, today I start with nothing.

I am going to see about doing a couple of weeks of full abstainance, and see where I go with that. Not going to be easy as life is a little more active and hectic than it was first time round, but im gonna give it a damn good go.
So wish me luck, here goes nothing.