Author: Michael Snasdell

Well I guess at the moment its just a little concerned about how mum is. My sister is round there at the moment, but mum has been grumpy and slow moving all morning. She has been eating which is a good thing, but insists she now cant eat many things (again). Cant eat her usual crackers as her mouth is sore, cant drink orange juice for the same reason. So when I left her she was trying a spag bol (at 11am lol)

A friend just suggested getting some CCTV around the house so I can see what is going on with the house, security and safety wise. Added bonus to this is I can keep an eye on the dogs at the same time. So kills 2 birds with one stone. Lets see what mum's opinion of that is. If I tell her its just for watching the dogs, im sure she will say less about it.
I will look into the cost of installing it and maybe sourcing it over the weekend. (watch this space)

In other news.....
Im getting on with the Android better than expected and have decided to keep it for the second line. It adds a bit of sparkle, while the Blackberry continues to do the more practical side of things, and keep me in touch with the world. I can see the appeal of the iPhone now, with the fun and trick apps that are available. Although their appeal is short lived.

Or at least it seems like it has been, since I last wrote anything here. In reality, I missed one day lol. How you begin to depend on routine for stability in your daily life eh. Shocking.

Anyway, a quick catch up on everything. Im not sure where to start. Oh I know, mum.
Yesterday, being Monday, the doctors started doing their rounds again, and started looking at what else could be causing mums problems. There is still an internal bleed, and she up until Sunday evening was still having tranfusions. Which I am assuming as they have not found the "leak" yet, must continue until thats resolved.
So you can imagine my suprise when she text to say they were letting her go. A trip to the hospital and a chat with the nurses last night confirmed this, and she was discharged, pending further appointments for investigation. Now call me daft or stupid, but if she is still losing blood, and has been getting topped up every day or 2, then what happens now she is at home, and how long til she needs to go back in for a top up?

The next stage of the investigation is a colonoscopy, but she has to wait to be sent an appointment for that, so I have no idea when that is at all. She does however have an Oncology appointment at Guys tomorrow. Although it remains to be seen if she actually goes or not.

Me on the other hand. Im on a bit of a slippery slope at the moment if the truth be told. Been here before, and am clinging on for dear life right now.
Depression or becoming very introvert is a regular side effect for me when going through something like this, and its that I am fighting right now. Taking a look from the outside I am noticing myself wanting to do less and less, and just looking for the easy ways out.
Yesterday evening was spent listening out for mum, making sure there were no loud thumps, making sure I could hear her cough from time to time, and that she was not calling out for me. Today will be spent torturing myself, wondering if she is ok while I am at work. And so the routine will continue.

I am desperate to get some of my own routine back now, like gym for one. I have a plan to get in better shape and intend on sticking to it, or at least getting back on track with it. Although at the moment I am desperatly lacking the enthusiasm to even pack a bag for the gym, let alone go there. So this week I am trying to establish an early rise routine, walking the dogs early, leaving me time for the gym with no excuses. If I stick to it til Mon, then I can start back at the gym on Mon too. Fingers crossed for me.

Right, time for a breather, might be back later with more steam to blow off.

Just had to pop to the hospital to see mum. She has been moved to a general ward for further studies.

She decided to go walk about against their advice because as she says "I can't take this" apparently being "stuck" in a hospital where you are constantly being topped up with blood and kept alive is a bit of a chore.

Grrr sometimes it makes me pretty angry listening to her moaning about the staff, the treatment, the food, the bed, and anything else she can moan about.

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

Right, mum first.
She is now in a stable condition, and following her endoscopy they have NOT found where the bleed is coming from. Thankfully though they are keeping her topped up with blood, with 2-3 units a day being pumped in to keep her running. She is miserable and just wants to be at home. She is trying to block out what is going on, for the sake of complaining and saying she wants to go home.
Other than that, she is behaving in the hospital, and back to eating again, which she is thankful for.

All that said, as I type, mum has just text to say she cant take it there anymore, and wants some clothes so she can just come home. So not really thinking too straight or paying much attention to what is going on with her. Really does not seem to grasp what is going on inside.

However... Yesterday I jumped in the car in the morning and drove up to Wales to see my aunt.
4 hours to get there thanks to roadworks etc. But well worth the drive. Arriving in the town was really quite emotional, and it took a while to compose myself. So I took some time, taking in the views from the seafront (Which I will post soon)
On arriving at my aunts house, I took a couple of minutes to get myself together, and message a few people to say I was there. But noticed my aunt was already looking out of the window at the car, curiously.
When I finally knocked, the greeting was very warm, and the hug alone made the trip more than worth it. We had a long chat and discussed many things, from health to current affairs lol. And I plan to return as soon as I can to see her again.
The drive home was a bloody nightmare, taking about 5 1/2 hours in total. Pulling up on the drive, the total distance was about 502 miles. And worth every inch.

The road ahead. With the recent text from mum it is obvious that she is getting twitchy and wants to be out of there as soon as possible. I can see some problems unfolding from this, but I am not saying a word, and will see how things pan out.
Hopefully she will hang in there, and let them do the investigations and find out what is going on inside before trying to escape the ward. While I can understand its boring, frustrating and a little upsetting, I dont think that coming home and bleeding to death is really the answer. With her current blood loss she would be lucky to stay alive for 24 hours.

Just a footnote to this entry, not a lot of detail, but blogs are for venting right?
Yesterday I felt a little like a delivery courier or something. Dropping something off in Wales, but collecting something else to bring back with me that I was not expecting. Thrown a bit of a spanner in the mental works, but nothing that cant be sorted out. Im sure more detail will follow in time. But a strange twist none the less.

Strange night sleep, no sounds of coughing or choking all night. In fact a silent house apart from the sounds of the dogs moving around in the hallway, clippity clop of their claws on the boards. Quite theraputic, strangely.

Anyway, no news from the hospital at this point, which over night is a good thing.
What we do no so far is as follows.
Yesterday afternoon after saying she could not make a GP appointment as she felt to weak, she began convulsing. Thankfully due to some cunning thinking there were 3 of us there. I called the ambulance while Paula and Dave (sister and her BF) got mum on the floor into recovery and took care of her. Sister did well on this occasion, with a little guidance/interferance from me.

During the fitting she discharged a large amount of blood. 4 EMT's got her stable and slightly responsive again, and got her into the ambulance, ran some ECG's and then whisked her off to Lewisham Hospital. I followed shortly after. Why didnt I go with her? Well simple, ambulances are small and I have a car. There were 2 EMT's in the back with her, so driving and not being in the way was the right choice.

I arrived about 20 mins behind the ambulance, knowing they would need to work on her anyway, and I would not be allowed in. On my arrival I was shown through to the Family Room, and asked to wait for the doctor. For a moment I really thought that was it, and she was gone. No sense of panic or distress at that point, but I think I have a barrier up at the moment and am trying not to let things get to me. But I KNOW deep inside there is a lot of anguish and upset screaming to get out. Just got to find the right time for it.

After about 10 mins one of the doctors came out and advised me of her condition, what had happened, and what their plans were. I am very grateful for when you are given a clear picture rather than a pretty one.

The diagnosis was quite simple, she had collapsed/fitted due to quite a severe loss of blood. On researching it, it appears a 30-40% loss of blood will cause such symptoms. And for that reason she has undergone a tranfusion of 4 units over night to try and top her up a bit, and get her in a better state. The next issue is to find the bleed. This is where is could be simple or complex. The doctor says he feels its probably in the stomach area, and they will so xrays, scans and hopefully an endoscopic procedure later today to locate the bleed and see about resolving it.
As with any internal bleeding, its not always as simple as that, so this chapter is far from over.
Her BP reflects the loss of blood being down around 90/55 but should improve as more blood enters the system.

The next question is how long has it been going on, and what harm as it done. Bleed site infected etc. The other issue is, she has been taking Warfarin for a year or so now to thin the blood due to DVT's. However now they have has to counteract this due to the bleed, so the DVT risk rises again for a while. Another "damned if you do...." moment.

She said last night while still in resuscitation "I wish this was it, I wish I had just died" which is quite a hard thing to hear your mother say. On the flip side, for all the time she has been feeling weak and tired, a lot of it has been caused by this. So there is a possibility that this is not it for her at all, and she will feel a damn sight better once she has some blood in her veins and colour in her cheeks.

I shall update as I know more. Will be speaking to the hospital, and paying a visit this morning just as soon as we know its ok to do so.

And if you were wondering about the last dilemma.... Well its still unresolved and undecided, but last night sure brought the true strength of the situation to home, and made that decision even more important now. Hoping mum will be in a fit enough state to discuss this later, without stressing her too much. My sister wants mums blessing before telling Joan about it, but appreciates she needs to know soon.

In other news...
Trivial I know but hey, its a blog right!
Diet was paused last night, wanted food in my to deal with stress etc, so grabbed some grilled chicken and chips. I shall repent!
And also the new phone arrives at work today. Trying out the Android system with a MotoDEXT

Well here we go. Just blowing off a few seconds of steam while the paramedic techs take care of mum.

She collapsed just after I got home, going into convulsions, and stopping breathing for a short while.

Thank you to London Ambulance for an amazing response and their guidance on the phone.

Just having ECG's etc run at the mo to see which hospital she will be taken to.

Updates to follow.

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

....damned if you don't. That's the saying right?
Well it applies to me very well right now, as I sit here in the middle of one of the biggest dilemma's of my life.

A short version of a long story for you.
There were once 3 sisters, Joan, Mary and Ann (mum to me). All born in Wales, Ann moved to London when she was young and settled down. Mary and Joan stayed in Wales. Joan married, Mary settled down with a friend, and Ann married and had kids (that's me +1)
Ann and the kids would visit her sisters twice a year, and spend time with both families. One year and argument broke out between Mary and Joan and they stopped talking. Some 8-10 years later, still having not spoken (on Mary's wishes) Mary's life long friend passed away from cancer. Peggy (my assumed aunt) was all Mary had, so Joan reached out to her and they connected again.

A few years later Mary married finally, but soon became ill. As her and Joan lived close, Mary told Joan she was ill, but asked her not to tell Ann as she was far away, had kids, and would worry etc. Mary soon passed away too, from cancer. Ann found out that Joan had held out on her, and until this day, although they still speak, it is a form of silent resentment from Ann towards Joan.

Now the big twist. Ann (my mum) is now terminally ill with cancer, and still over 200 miles away from her now aging sister. She was diagnosed 2 years ago, but has still not told Joan that she is ill. She says she does not want to worry Joan with it, as she is old and it would put pressure on her. But when you nag about her seeing Joan she admits that she does not see why she should tell Joan, as Joan never told her about Mary. The problem with that is, its a vicious circle.. Mary swore Joan to secrecy about her illness, Ann resents Joan for keeping this secret. Now Ann (mum) wants me to keep the secret, which leaves only me (and my sister) to take the full brunt of the resentment, and upset from Joan for not being told her sister was dying.

Told you it was complex!

So, if I tell Joan, I have "betrayed" my mothers confidence, and if I don't, I will have held out on Joan's only hope to see her dying sister, for the first time in about 10 years I might add!

Personally I am swaying towards telling Joan. Its always seemed the morally right thing to do, I think my mum really needs to talk about this with someone else, and the truth of the matter is that Joan is quite possibly too old and frail to make the trip to London to see mum now anyway. Although I would dearly love it if she could.

Mum of course will worry about the state of the house, how Joan might "judge" her etc before finally realising its her frickin sister, and she needs to do this.

The next awkward decision is how to do this! In person is the only way really. And I would have to be prepared in case Joan wanted to travel down, so would have to take a spacious car with me for her comfort. Dear oh dear, nothing is simple eh.

Anyway, that's my dilemma for the day. Makes the rest of the day quite pale and boring in comparison.

Thanks for reading, and have a great day, sorry for the depressing tones.

Well the day started out early, with me having to be somewhere first thing for an "exam". Nope, for once I don't mean an examination, I mean an exam, a test. Which I am pleased to say I passed, with a rather good score if I do say so myself. Was all a bit of a last minute panic as I have been a bit short of time recently, so revision suffered, but in the end it all worked out.

So by 10am (ish) I was all done and headed home.

Got home, checked online to see if the payment to AMEX was finally through, and I'm pleased to say it was, so we know what that means. Holiday booking time. I'm jumping forwards a bit there.

While getting ready for work I did my morning weigh in, and am pleased to announce that the official weight of the day is 233.6lbs. So still dropping nicely, making the effort all the more worth it. I shall continue on the plan I have worked out, and hope to be sub 230 by the end of the weekend. No eating out for me this week eh!

So the time came to go to work, so I popped into the kitchen to say hi and bye to mum. While I was there she asked me if I knew how long the assignment of tenancy would take. I explained it would be around 42 days as the man had told me. She grimaced at that and said "I'm not sure if I will be around that long", then went on to explain in simple terms that she things she will die soon. Always a nice thing to hear before you leave someone eh...... NOT !

Later this evening she explained that she has started bleeding, which I think she feels is a cancer internally bleeding, which is coming out through the bowel. Naturally I will be getting this checked out asap at the morning. Bleeding for her is bad (well it is for anyone) as she is on Warfarin.

Needless to say this news has knocked me a little bit, and suddenly my mind is racing again, the things that are going to happen, what could happen etc. But I wont dwell on that right now.

In other news today, I have finally got a delivery date from Dell for the new laptop mini, which is 26th march. I have managed to book our flights for Florida, so that's all on track (cheapest option, as it gives more flexibility on the rest of the trip) and after calling Orange to disconnect one of my mobile phones, ended up extending the contract, and replacing the handset with a MotoDEXT. Orange of course have been very generous with the tariff and handset etc. So I will get my first taste of Android on Friday.

Right that's me for now, all a bit unstructured I know, but just jotting rather than blogging today.

..or not as in my mums case right now.
I have taken a day off today to try and finally start tackling this whole hospital/doctor thing with mum, and rather than rushing at her, and having a heated conversation with limited time, I can just talk, nicely with her about it and try and talk her round to at least trying to tackle the breathing thing.

Granted, now she has a cold too, its going to mask some of the underlying issues for the time being. But ultimately she needs to get seen by someone, or the future is bleak right now.
I have come to terms with and accepted her wish to let the cancer run its course. I have spoken to the doctors and have an idea of what to expect as that gets worse, and have accepted that. But the bit I have not signed up for just yet is the struggling to breathe, fighting for air, and total immobility caused by this "oh I give up" attitude towards her breathing.

As I write this she is in the kitchen, smoking and choking away with the little air she can get into her lungs, if that's not giving up, I don't know what is. Because of this, spending time with her is becoming difficult. Trying to get her out for lunch or other such simple things for her to enjoy are just impossible now.

So the plan, well I don't actually have one. I want her to see a GP, but at the same time I would really like her to get referred to the hospital again, and maybe a short stay there to get some treatment, nebulisers, medication she cant avoid, and cut down on the smoking for now. This is honestly worse than knowing she has a terminal illness. Watching her just wasting away is heartbreaking to say the least.

Also today, between bouts with mother, I have to get to the housing office too, to get the paperwork sorted out for the house. Get some shopping in for mum as she appears to have run out of all kinds of food, not that she eats of course, it all tastes so foul and she can eat a thing.... yeah right!
The dogs will need their morning walk too, which today I think will have music playing through headphones too. Its strange, as much as I love being out with the dogs, in the fresh air, getting the heart going.... It drives me mad! Why? Simple, all that time to think, and I spend an hour and a half just stewing about stuff, winding myself up, running scenario's through my head, arguing with people in my head. Music silences the voices lol.

Right, I'm ready for battle..... let battle commence.

Got home this evening, and the first thing mother said as I walked through the door was "can you call the hospital and cancel my appointment"..... Suprise, she does not feel well enough to go.
OK Its sort of valid, she has a streaming cold, and does not feel she should be in there with other ill people. But at the same time its the blood test clinic, to check her blood is clotting ok with her Warfarin. So quite important.

I had suggested I would take her there, and we could wait out of the way from the waiting room til its her turn, but then the story changed, it wasnt about the other people, she is just to ill to go there at all, as she cant move about without becoming breathless.

On making suggestions of alternative arrangements, I was just read the riot act, and on daring to ask again when her appointment was, on this occasion so I knew when to call to cancel, I had my head blown off by a booming scream of "im too ill to go" So with that I called it a night.
A little selfish I know but with that last bit my stress levels were going through the roof, and I would much rather not have a full blown arguement with her about it.

So im hoping to take a day off work tomorrow, get the hospital sorted out, get her back down to the GP or even A&E to get checked out properly. Something tells me she will be getting admitted to hospital some time soon the way her breathing is going. And without the ability to talk to her about it and get through to her that she is making herself worse, she is unlikely to get herself out of this situation.

So damn frustrating watching someone you love run themselves into the ground like this. Cancer aside, I still dont quite grasp how someone can give up like this, and exist in such a state of suffering when help in on hand.