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Author: Michael Snasdell

Published on Leave a comment on Depression vs laziness.

Laying in bed this morning, like a petulant child refusing to get up for school, I got thinking.
As I lay there, with the fan on, cool breeze, and just moving from one comfortable position to another, I thought back to a few months ago when my reasoning for laying in bed was quite different.

This led to a deeper thought on the matter, and quite frankly spoilt the moment, but was worth it.
A few months back, each morning I would wake, filled with doom and gloom. No good reason to get out of bed, and dreading what awaited me when I did. So for as long as I could, I would find excuses not to get up and start the day.
Raining, can't walk the dogs, being my favourite, however there were plenty more, from convincing myself I was too tired and needed more sleep, to deciding I ached in some way or form and should rest. The depressed mind is full of excuses!

Today however, and the last week or two have been different. I have instead basked in the "life if good" bed of laziness. Like a carefree bachelor with no plan for the day, I just wake and enjoy the moment. Rather than avoiding things, I schedule them in my mind, allowing just enough time to complete the required tasks of the day, whilst making the most of relaxing in bed.
Now I am not going to say that is an every day ideal, it really isn't. But I have to say it is nice to have the option, and to feel in control of it.

I am not scared to get up, nor of what lays in wait day to day. And that is a huge departure from the feelings of depression I fought for the first few months of this year, and previously.

So, with that in mind, I now understand the confusion and misinterpretation people have. When a depressed person says "I just can't get out of bed in the morning" and the person who has not experienced it says "Oh I know what you mean, I get like that". While I appreciate the attempt at empathy, there is a huge difference between being unwilling to get up and get the day started, feeling lazy and unmotivated, and the feeling of being trapped in your bed, covers tucked in, with no way out. Your mind refusing to let you out of the safety and numbness of your bed, to protect you from the day of dread and terror which awaits you.

It sounds far fetched I know, but the mind can play lots of tricks with you, and ultimately controls your actions.So when it says "we are NOT getting up today", you pretty much obey. When you think, I have nothing to do this morning, I am gonna have a lay in, its a choice.

In between these two stages, there is another I have been experiencing recently, and that is reluctantly staying in bed. Through illness or injury, I have spent a lot of time in bed in the past month too, resting my back and hips (most of the time), and fighting off a fever. Waking knowing your mind is happy for you to get out of bed, but this time it is your body, and having to make the reluctant choice to stay in bed, even though you have the mental capacity to be up doing things is quite a kick in the balls, especially when bouncing back from being trapped already.

I guess it is this stage which has spurned this entry more than anything. The line between both ends of the mental spectrum is indeed physical. Prohibiting activity, and leaving you to decide how much you care about resting and recovering. For once fighting the mental drive to get out of bed shows me that I have a lot of choice about my daily actions, and only when I am truly crushed by depression do I lose all control over my life.

That is a powerful message to me, and a reminder that without any visible signs, every drop of energy, drive and hope can be torn from you, and leave you as just an empty carcass of a person, just along for the ride.

I really do hope even just one person who knows these three stages reads this, just so I know I am not the only one who recognises them.
So, next time someone says they just can't get out of bed, imagine it as a physical injury, and give their feelings the same consideration you would if you saw them in a body cast, or with legs in plaster. The mind controls every movement we make, if it says no, the answer is simply NO. Even if you don't understand why.

Published on Leave a comment on Taking it easy!

What the hell does that even mean?
I really  do struggle with the concept at times,  especially when it is important.
Right now,  slowly recovering from a back injury,  I know that it is important that I don't try too hard too soon. However,  as with many other  things in my life that require patience,  I just don't get it.

As my back first started to hurt,  I should have taken it easy,  rather than seeing the pain as some sort of weakness. Stubborn and determined to prove I am made of stronger stuff,  I push on and ultimately end up with something that will take 10 times longer to bounce back from,  than if I had listened to my mind and body in the first place.

I was so caught up in the moment, and so blinkered by my goals and desires,  I totally ignored the signs,  pushed on and ended up in a right old mess.

But there is light at the end of the tunnel,  and the symptoms are slowly subsiding. With a combination of drugs,  stretches and yoga,  combined with a slow and steady return to being active,  I am making progress.
Alas,  once again my stupid mind is trying to bully me into pushing too hard.  So I am carefully watching the numbers,  and making sure that there is NO rush this time. If I have an active day like today,  the next is slightly easier.

It is a habit I need to break.  Rushing into things has always been a weakness,  and it is one I am determined to overcome. Lessons have been learned on many levels, and new ideals have been found. No more rushing.

Life is a journey,  not a race.....

This weekend I miss out on a bike ride I have been training for for six months now. My ego is screaming for me to at least try it, my recent progress tells me I stand a chance. But my common sense tells me that it is just not worth the risk of injury and spending the remainder of the summer unable to ride or run. And that is something  I just can't deal with.

Already gaining weight (and now fighting  it again) I know I don't want to lose any more momentum,  and need back on that wagon. So here's to slow and steady steps for everything in life,  and to being back in the saddle and also running again properly by the end of August.

Published on Leave a comment on How we change.

There was once a time I craved the limelight, and the attention that came with it, these days I just like the conversation and back and forth that comes with staying in touch. Having wrestled for years with my identity, trying to decide who the real me was, I finally thought I had the answer.
Then new opportunities presented themselves just as I recovered from depression, and being out there again suddenly seemed desirable. Remembering all the positives that came with it, I dived in, but was soon reminded of the "pressures" and obligations that come with it.

Apparently it seems, all is not golden. As much as I would love to convince myself this is still where I like to be, it is only fair to say, it is not! Not to say that company and get togethers are a bad thing, they aren't. I have enjoyed getting back out there and remembering how cool it can be.... Occasionally!

Bouncing back from being locked away is a funny thing, and can give false signals about what we want. A bit like food, when you are really hungry you can over do it, and end up feeling a bit sick. I seem to have over indulged in my consumption of attention, and am now left feeling like I need a really long sleep and a break. Ironic that I have just returned from Spain, but still exhausted. The combination of pain, lack of activity and the spotlight has all culminated in the desire to lay down, curl up and have some me time. So that is what I am doing.

I don't feel it needs explaining much more than that really. It is my wish, and my need, and anyone who cannot understand or respect that probably misunderstands me, or thinks they know me better than they do.

I think everyone probably goes through these changes, a reshuffle of things that are important to us, and an internal reorganisation to make sure we are taking care of what matters, and not just being the person others want us to me.

With the first set of results from my back and hip pending, follow up appointment booked, chiropractor tonight, new meds to take along with my cocodamol, and a cycle ride I am more than likely about to pull out of, I think I have plenty of my own things to be getting on with, rather than worrying about what else is expected or wanted from me.

That is not to say that anyone I choose to engage with on a one to one basis is about to be dropped. There are people out there who I will always have time for, and hopefully they know that. If not, I will be making sure they do in the near future.

If you require more information email asksomeonewhogivesafuck (at) gmail.com

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Published on 2 Comments on Time out for clarity.

Sometimes it is good to have a little time out, some "you time", in order to see things with the clarity they deserve.
Recently I have been a little blinkered by projects and other goings on, and have missed some things which deserved a little better attention. Diving head first into things at work, as well as other projects in the community, I have lost my mind in there somewhere. Over this weekend I have reclaimed my rights as an individual, and started to look after myself again.

Now you may think that with all the cycling, running, and events, I think quite enough about myself already, and to be fair you would probably be right, to a degree at least. There is a lot more to life than just beating the hell out of yourself day in, day out. Then of course there is the toll that has possibly taken on me too, and its impact on my day to day life.

Namely the back issues I am having. Following a second week with the chiropractor, I would love to say all is well, but painkillers still play an important role in my daily routine. Taking them at timed intervals rather than once it gets too bad, I keep the worst of it away. But trying to remain interested and active with all that going on has proven quite the challenge. A challenge which I have failed in so far. Failed might be a bit of a harsh word to use I guess, there is a lot of pain and discomfort involved. So avoiding antagonising it is probably a good thing.

At the end of the second week of treatment the Chiropractor said she feels we are making progress, but there is a long way to go yet. To some that might feel like I am being strung along, but being along for the ride tells me otherwise. Yes the level of discomfort is higher from time to time. But I quite happily believe that this is due to movement being regained in the joints, and everything releasing then spasaming again. For now, I am going with the flow, and hope to see some improvement in the coming month.

Of course there is also the 100 mile bike ride coming up at the end of this month too now, which for the main part I am not bothered by. I still believe cycling is not one of the major triggers for my back, if anything it helps it a bit. So that isn't a worry, for now.  There is also the lack of activity over recent weeks, which does indeed have a negative effect. I imagine my running is terrible night now, and even my walking has taken a beating. Needless to say I have gained some weight, which I am not happy with. Mainly due to my junk food binges to make myself feel "better"

Anyway, that is the physical side of things for me, then of course there is the mental.
For the first time in ages I feel like I have regained some control over my life. Not quite sure where that has come from. Just confidence to be my own man. Maybe it is a summer thing where all the things inside the body fire back up again and start to give you confidence and motivation. Maybe it is a combo of the meds, could even be the rest from the rushing around everyday. Maybe that is it, I have over done it?

Whatever the case, when I get back into living my life properly again, there is room for adjustment. Take it a bit easier on myself physically, and mentally.
The next week will be a telling time for me, seeing how my physical and mental state progress from now. Still in a relaxed state, not overdoing it or even coming close. Steps are down to a few thousand a day right now. Trying to go easy on my body. Thoughts are limited as distractions are good for me right now. In fact all feels well in Michaels World.

Bit of a weird entry, sorry about that, but needed to put my thoughts into words.

Published on Leave a comment on Wild ramblings for Monday

I have a quiet period in my day, and a head full of things that are praying on my mind, so I thought I would unload a few of them onto the poor unsuspecting readers of the blog (both of you!)

First up, my bloody back! I have spent the weekend taking ibuprofen by the bucket load just to keep mobile. I am pretty sure running a 5k at the Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park has not helped matters, but in fairness it did give me half an hour of relief after the run. So small mercies eh!
The more it develops, the more I realise that I need to get some professional help with it. Starting in the middle of my lower back, then travelling as far as down my thighs now, it is clear it's getting worse.
I have reached the point now where after a short walk, stairs are just not possible without stopping to squat and stretch out first.
Advice varies, from chiropractor to osteopath, and even long term maintenance with pilates or yoga. Whatever the case, I need to get my finger out soon and do it, especially with the London to Brighton ride coming up this weekend.

Speaking of exercise, that is my next gripe.
Since my huge lows of the end of last year, I have fought back with exercise. Keeping myself busy, fit and exhausted with a regime of running, cycling and working out at home. Sadly, the back problems have really affected my ability to do much of any of the above, which in turn has had a huge impact on my mental health. Tired, unmotivated, reluctant to get going for the day. Too long in bed, grazing all day. None of which is helpful to the situation with my back. I am sure the first thing any medical practitioner says when I present with lower back pain is "you are over weight"
Now don't get me wrong here, I am not bed bound, and I still manage to run from time to time and ride when I get the chance. I am far from a couch potato. But the inability to do as much as I want to do, leaves my stats falling behind, my PB's flailing, and my pride taking a real beating.

The introduction of my new fitness gadget, my Garmin Forerunner 230 has helped a little. Now able to run without my phone for Strava, and have my HR available to me on my wrist (with HR chest band), and to be able to monitor my activities has been a booster. On the flip side, looking at my 5k times, and seeing myself 4 mins or so off my normal pace makes me realise the situation I am in, and has also made me accept I need to do something about it. I haven't lost that much time through nothing, my body is clearly suffering right now.

If I can get anything done in time, i.e the next 4 days is another matter. I am caught up, do I get treatment and hope it doesn't leave me too uncomfortable to do the ride on Sunday? Or do I hold off on treatment until next week, then risk doing the ride and failing because of the back pain? Just a bit of info, the back pain has not yet reared its ugly head while riding, so to date is not an issue.
Both chiro and osteo are new things to me, so I don't know what to expect from either. After effects, restrictions, or how soon to feel the benefits. I don't actually fully understand the differences either, but am doing my best to educate myself now.

The next one is a weird one really. Local community. What does that phrase mean to you? If you are
doing something for and in the name of the community you live in, should it involve everyone within that community, or just the clique you choose to associate with. Those people who share your ideals and beliefs?
Having run an online community for a good few years, encompassing a lot of the UK, it was always important to start with an open mind as to what to expect from so many different groups of people. The UK as a whole is a pretty diverse place. Seeing some of the randomness that people would post on the forum was always interesting. Granted this was quite a young audience with cars in common, but there was always scope for the wild card topics which would for some reason be driven by emotive responses, and passionate beliefs. Had we insisted that the forum only be used for car related topics, and imposed rules prohibiting certain subjects, I don't think we would all have ever gotton to know each other the way we did.
Remember this is a forum which had a direct effect on marriages and the birth of kids! So it wasn't all childish humour.

I guess what I am trying to say is, what makes a community is knowing who people are, and accepting they may have different opinions to you own, but still feeling comfortable engaging with them.

Anyway, back to me....
Well there isn't much more really, I am just currently feeling lazy and down. The back issue is really holding me back with a lot of things.
Each day I get up wanting to get things done, but the knowledge that my back will start hurting within 10-15 mins puts me off. My existence feels very slow and lazy right now. Usually a feeling I get when in depression, but this is clearly driven by something else, and thankfully I know what.

I guess really I should start looking for a local specialist to twist me into weird shapes and make my body make noise to feel a bit better. My lower back feels like it has a MASSIVE crack or pop hidden within it. I just want to believe that it is as simple as that, but am pretty sure it is not.
The areas the pain is referring to now are just silly. Even writing this now I am noticing my posture is changing to allow some relief for my lower back, so in turn my shoulders are getting tight now.

Right, that's it! I'm off to find someone to sort this out.

Published on Leave a comment on Pain pain go away!

After some soul searching yesterday, I started to realise something, something quite important. I think that the downturn in my mood and energy is because of my lower back pain. It started years ago when walking, I would get severe tightness in my lower back and glutes, and find it hard to bend down to undo my shoes after getting home. Having instead to slowly stretch it out before I could bend again.
When I got really active early this year, it went away for a bit, or maybe was masked by other aches and pains from running, training and riding. Either way, its back, and with vengeance!
Yesterday while walking the dogs I really struggled to keep going. The sensation transitioning from discomfort to pain. Cutting the second walk a little short in fact. Later in the morning I was in great discomfort just walking up a flight of stairs. Again, just the lower back area, but now travelling into my hips.

This morning, waking in discomfort, I walked the dogs, took some pills and went back to bed for an hour, just so not to have to put up with it for the next hour.

So this got me thinking, and subsequently realising... It is my lower back, and the problems with it which is affecting my mood. It makes me not want to get up in the morning, spend a lot of time not moving, and as a by-product of that, leaves me eating convenient food, as both easy and comfort. So that really puts my mind at rest a lot. Automatically takes the pressure of me, worrying that it is all a mental state, when looking at it from afar, it's clearly not.

The big question now is, what the hell is wrong with my back?
Having seen a physio a few times, and checking for basic nerve issues, muscular issues etc, there is nothing alarming immediately presenting itself. A little relief is found from massage and releases, but the root cause of it all doesn't go away.
Laying on my left side, I can't have my right leg in front of me, as it irritates my glute / hip area.

My thinking on it is it can't be anything other than a soft tissue issue as it subsides with certain stretches. If it were joint of skeletal there would be no such relief?
Ibuprofen regularly helps control the discomfort levels, so again points to inflammation of something soft. At the end of the day, I think what all this means is, I am going to have to go through the long process of seeing my GP, and possibly being referred for investigation.

As much as I want to avoid going to a GP these days, I am getting to the stage now where I have to get it under control. Strangely however, if I run or cycle it's fine for the duration and some time after.  All very strange.

I am left battling myself now, is it the reduction in activity which is making me ache. Would returning to being very active help? Or is it the activities I have been doing over the past months, which has aggravated the area to this new level of pain and discomfort?

Whatever the case, the feeling is making me miserable as hell, and I want it under control. Preferably sorted rather than numbed with strong pain killers. Depending of course if there is a solution for it. Hopefully nothing too back, and something a specialist can bend, crack and knock out of me!

Really is amazing how your physical and mental states can affect the other. And once again I am grateful to having the calm state of mind when needed, to sit back, consider all the aspects of what is going on, and realise the truth (eventually) rather than constantly beating myself up about how I feel.

Thanks to Sarah for the chat this morning and making me think a little harder about why I am miserable, thanks for noticing too lol.

For now, until I can get an appointment sorted, I think I will try and increase my activity levels a bit, and spend some more time with stretches and weights to give everything a good workout and shake down. With some more sporting events just around the corner, I have to get able bodied enough to get my groove on.

Here's to getting my back sorted and under control once and for all.

Published on Leave a comment on My recovery from depression.

It has been a while since I sat down and put fingers to keyboard about my depression, so with yesterday marking the end of my 12 week CBT course, I thought it would be a good time to take a look back at where I was 5 months ago, and where I have reached in my recovery.

Along the way there have been many revelations, from who I now see at my support network, to how I perceive life in general and my interactions with people.

Back in Nov 2015 I started to see signs that I recognised as the start of depression. Low moods, withdrawing from interactions, trouble sleeping then staying in bed, avoiding doing things. All classic signs for me that something is not right, and an early warning that things are about to go badly wrong. Sadly by the time you realise what is happening, it is almost impossible to maintain control. You are along for the ride, however long it may take.

Once I was sure I was spiralling out of control, I reached out as quickly as possible to people I know and trust to try and give me the boost I needed, and the support I knew they would offer to try and see me through this bout of depression I knew was upon me.

It all started when I had a bit of a moment with a friend in a local cafe. Chatting to Sarah I realised all was clearly not well, and subsequently took a couple of hours off work to try and collect myself a bit. Telling my then manager how I was feeling, I felt that I was now safe if anything further were to happen.
The following week I was scheduled off work on annual leave, and as the week progressed, I realised things were just getting worse. The day I was meant to return to work I went to see my GP. At the time she was new to me, having never seen or spoken to Dr Paul, I was really anxious about who I was going to face, and even writing myself a script of how to explain what I was feeling and going through to this new person. To my surprise, Dr Paul turned out to be amazing, and set me up for a good recovery.

Anyway, the previous entries in the blog probably explain what I went through during my lowest points better than I can recall these days, but this is about what happened next, and where I am now.
I have put off writing this for a number of weeks as things have continued to change, so didn't want to get ahead of myself.

By the end of the CBT course, I felt truly on top of things, and was attending more for the rest of the group than myself. Or at least that is my perception of it. Reaching the stage where I felt I could help others was very rewarding, and gave me a lot of confidence back. So with hindsight I am really glad I stuck the course out. At the beginning I really didn't get it, and thought I was wasting my time being there, but as the course went on, and the group started to form a friendship, it all started to work.

Released back into the free world, I was not fully engaged in my fitness. Running, cycling, entering group events etc, and really enjoying myself. As confidence built, so did curiosity, as did self confidence, leading me to explore matter which were closer to my heart, literally. Sadly for one reason or another, I started to revert back to my submissive, "must please others"way of thinking , and I slipped.

A slip which has been rather expensive to me, and set me back some way. Backing away from what kept me occupied, allowing my brain its freedom to wander, really didn't work well for me at all, and still to this very moment I am paying the price. I guess I am not as "all new" as I thought I was, and old habits die hard! The one hiccup and break from fitness has continued far longer than planned, and I dearly need to get back into my stride, literally. I have a 5km event at the weekend, which I hope will kickstart me.

As the weeks have gone on, I have sunk back into deep thought, too much time in bed, and not enough activity. Telling myself each evening, early to bed, and out for a run in the morning, it is yet to happen. The closest I got the other day was going for a 46 mile ride, and that in itself was only inspired by making plans for the day ahead, and being proactive in case they didn't happen. (which they subsequently didn't)
It's a horrible feeling. Nowhere near depression, but a real downturn in my moods and energy, and I hate it!

That said, I know my symptoms are not THAT bad, as I proved at the weekend.
Saturday was a busy and interesting day, with a little bit of fun with the kids mixed in. So Sunday I thought I would probably take it easier. I had made lunch plans, but was mildly confident that something would come up and they would not happen. So I got up early, rode into town and met a friend for breakfast, then carried on riding til a good distance was done.
Lunch plans cancelled, I set out to the shops to buy lunch for one. Mid-way to the shops I received a DM on Twitter from a friend. All very strange. She said we had a mutual friend, and that they were both heading for to Wembley for a Bruce Springsteen concert, with a spare ticket, and would I care to join them. Seeing who my company would be, I didn't think twice. OK I did, but very quickly.

Rushed home, let the dogs out quickly and headed for the train.
Meeting them at Canada Water I was excited, in great like minded company with Gemma and Edel, off we went to see The Boss!
My greeting from Edel was very nice indeed, and a much needed huge hug. Everyone loves a hug, right! I know I do, and don't get anywhere near enough of them. Doggy cuddles don't count.

A great evening was had by all, and while we waited for the queues for the station to subside a little, we got into some very deep conversations. It was enlightening and relieving to realise how alike the three of us are, and right on each others doorsteps too. That knowledge alone has made me feel a lot better, so thank you Edel for mentioning me to Gemma, and getting the ball rolling. Strange how things work out isn't it.

While my mind was put to rest by this event, other areas of my mind are still all over the place. Falling into my famous old traps of getting involved and engrossed far too deeply with things. Rushing in eyes wide shut, then opening them once deep inside, and realising I'm out of my depth. A place I find myself right now, on a number of different planes. One day I will learn how to avoid such situations. But until then, I need to master getting my head out of the situations, without backing away from it entirely. That is what usually leads me to being a recluse. An existence I do not enjoy.

I am fed up of battling my mind. Reading too much into things, over thinking other things. But most of all I am pissed off with myself for this slip up from healthy eating and training. Yes, I am having a lot of physical discomfort recently, something I need to address, and maybe even see my GP about. But in the meantime, I need to start getting up earlier, not being afraid of quiet time (that my mind will run away with me) and just get on with being me.

So am I recovered?
Tough one really. I don't feel anywhere near as bad as I did. Maybe I am just over doing it, and getting run down? That's a possibility for sure. Maybe I will go with that, and just set myself some goals again. Get motivated, and get off my arse.

5km Olympic Park run at the weekend.
London to Brighton ride the weekend after
Pru 100 a few weeks later.

I have a lot to get ready for, as well as some other pending events too, to add to the list.

Surely the above listing is more than enough motivation? We shall see.

Thanks for reading as ever. I shall post something more inspiring soon, I hope.

Published on Leave a comment on All a bit of a muddle.

It is fair to say that normal service in my head is starting to resume now. Hopefully it is showing to some people at least, with less desperate attempts for attention, and slightly less weird and unpredictable behaviour. Obviously some of the above will remain to a degree, as it's who I am. But when depressed it's just all of that on steroids, with side effects.

Hopefully by now it is also showing in my writing style, as my head clears, the words begin to flow more freely. The one killer of course is moods. I can have a head full of things to write, but not be in the right frame of mind. At this moment in time they are flowing like the overflow of a dam. 
As I think back over the past couple of months, I question some of my actions and decisions. Knowing that some have been a little damaging to put it lightly. Others forming an unchangeable course of events to slip into motion. I won't claim it was all the depression, or blame it on other things, at the end of the day it was me. While I don't subscribe to "regret" as such, I can still manage to wish things had worked out differently at least.
Some of the things I have said and done made sense at the time, a few still do. But there is one particular thing I that I can't get my head around still, and it's quite a delicate one.
I blogged a while ago saying that I thought I was destined to be alone, and quite frankly was happy about that. In some way I stand by that statement. Being the only one, means the sole master of your destiny. Rather than blaming other peoples decisions, or feeling out of control, its ALL you. There is a sense of security to be found in there somewhere. Less emotional uncertainty, less vulnerability to influences and stresses of others and so on.
But there is another side, one which I am slowly starting to remember. Physical contact, and the feeling of being cared about. I am not going to lie, there are a number of reasons it is all a bit unfamiliar to me. Some know more about this than others, but either way, starting to miss that again after such a long time of it being switched off is really confusing. Again, as that has returned, some bad decisions have been made from the search for that too. Awkward! 
Simply seeing a romantic scene on TV is enough to make my heart soften, and a little part of me rumble into life like your tummy does when you are hungry. Same thing I guess, both are hungry for something.
While at times I can imagine being fine on my own, and not having to worry about feeling rejected or second best ever again, I can also remember so well how it feels just to snuggle up to watch TV, or just share a moment with someone you care about, and know they care about you too. It's not about getting down and dirty, or naked intimacy. The parts I miss most about a relationship are the simple things. Just a nice long hug, tight and warm is all it takes for me. Just thinking about it as I write this makes me feel warm and fuzzy recalling such things from my past, and yearn for the feeling once again in my life. Is a hug really too much to want?
Emotions are a funny old thing, and as my recovery continues, and I return to my normal deep thinking, soft hearted, emotionally vulnerable self, so much comes rushing back to me. I had forgotten what being emotionally excited meant for starters. I forgot how it feels to be helpless about something, but at the same time so happy about feeling that way. I forgot what unconditional feelings were like, and how it is OK to let yourself go at times, and just enjoy the moment.
I guess what I am saying really here is that not only am I recovering from a long bout of depression, but in the process I am reconfirming who I really am. Who I was all along. Starting to realise how much of my true self I have suppressed for so long now. I have struggled for a long time now to rediscover my true self. Many blog entries have covered the subject, Michael or Snazy , the reinvention of Michael Snasdell, and so on... They all tried to find a way to unlock myself again, stop being fake, stop wearing a mask, and live MY life as it should be. And now, I think I am getting there. 
So I take it all back, I don't want to be single if at all possible. I want someone in my life who I can me ME around, stupid, carefree, and childish. But at the same time I would love to be with someone who allows me in to their life. To care for them, and express myself the way I have always wanted to be able to. I'm an idiot at times, far from what you would call romantic, but not through lack of trying. But I just want to not have to be someone I'm not, ever again!
I know it's a big ask. I'm 43 now, a bit strange, far from good looking, and working hard on my health.But surely there is someone out there insane enough to take what they see, and give it a go? I'm not asking for a life of crazy lust, or a blank canvas, just someone who likes to explore the mind like I do, willing to slowly open up emotionally, like a flower, and just enjoy life on the same mental level as me.
That or switch the whole lot off again and just stick with being single! #AllOrNothing
So there you go, as I come round from what feels like a long mental coma, as awareness returns, and I start to realise I have a heart again, emotions take a hold, and I miss being held (I know, so masculine!) 
God help me when the next love scene comes on TV, I might just melt away from existence. 
Feel free to take the piss at any point. But writing from the heart is just what I do. 
PS, more cheerful and maybe even a little amusing blog to follow, promise!

Published on Leave a comment on Aaaah…. Now I get it!

It's amazing how at times you can struggle for hours, days or even months to try and explain something. Usually it is an action or something very complicated that needs to be put in just the right way to make clear exactly what your point or conclusion is. Other times is can be something so very simple. A few lines, just to drive home the desired message, and give, what seems trivial to others, some clarity.
Anyone who knows me knows just how complex my brain can be about the smallest of matters, and how sometimes I can dwell on something, fixate on it to a point of destruction of the said situation. Usually ending in more misery and confusion, for me at least.

It will also  am sure, not go unnoticed that I can also be a bit of a word smith at times, and find a way to convey a message or opinion in such a way that the whole world can understand (or so it feels at times). So imagine the quandary for me finding myself in a situation I understand, but can't express! It's painful.

There have always been two sides to my thought process, maybe more at times depending on the situation and reward offered by it. But let us concentrate on the two main sides. There is the side that sees things logically, for their true worth and intentions. Accepting things for what they are, like any other rational person. Then there is the self destructive side, the voice of doubt and negativity. Again, everyone has this side, but for most it is just the voice of reason, making us consider things for their worth before jumping in head first. A good thing for most, swaying us away from situations we would otherwise allow ourselves to do things, only to regret them later.

Sadly for me the negative side of my thought process is far too active, and manages to get involved in the simplest of situations and run amok through my mind, complicating things which are otherwise pretty simple and harmless. This happens all too frequently, and when it does, it leaves behind a path of destruction every time. Sometimes damaging important things. Then, rather than feeling regret and sorrow, it barrels on with no recourse, and justifies things in a way where I am meant to feel I am better off thanks to the stupid actions. The negative side will always see it as a win, while the downtrodden normal side can see the true magnitude of what has happened.

So, back to the point of this entry.
Recently the negative side of my mind has been hard at work, trying to push me back down the slope of depression. Taking things which have felt positive, and turning them against me. Each time managing to get me back down the slope, and back into isolation. Seemingly alone and isolated is somehow safer than being in the real world and exposed to the risk of hurt or harm.

Trying to convey that however has been really hard for me, especially in certain situations. But yesterday, during a tattoo sitting of all things,*POP* the negative bubble surrounding the matter burst, and my ability to express EXACTLY what I have been trying to for a long time came flooding back.
I have said since my CBT sessions started, I need counselling, not some sort of brain washing radicalisation to make me conform the to text book way of thinking and rationalisation. It seems I was right. I have had some of my greatest moments of clarity while being tattooed, maybe that is why I seem to have a growing number of pieces. Do I really seek the sensation of a tattoo in order to trigger my mind, a jump-start of sorts. I think in a way I do! Hardly an epiphany for me, I have considered this possibility a number of times over the years. Having had some tattoos done as almost a time out from real life.

To finally see a matter for exactly what it is. See how simple it really is, and not at all scary or complicated like negative mind wants you to believe. It is SO refreshing, empowering and exciting. Of course, sometimes the clarity comes too late, and while it makes perfect sense, re approaching  a situation in which the dust has now settled is somewhat counter-productive, and this is also quite frustrating, as you are left with something wonderful that you are unable to share. What should be a fix could actually turn it into a massive clusterfuck.

Either way, to finally walk clear of the fog on the path, and be able to see again is wonderful. An analogy I used to use when helping a friend through tough times. We all lose our way at times, and stumble from the path, sometimes the fog closes in and we cannot see our way. Instead of panicking and running scared, it is wiser to slow down, retrace our steps, and allow the fog to clear before carrying on any further. For me, the fog is well and truly clear, and I can see. Visibility is still low, I'm not sure where the road leads, but I know I will see whatever is coming before it happens now, and have no reason to fear the things my negative mind has led me to believe previously.

I can see the wonderful things people have done for me over the last few months, the wrong turns I have taken, and the speedbumps along the way which have upset the load a bit. Slowing the journey down now, I can overcome speedhumps with caution, and see where I am going, so hopefully no more wrong turns, well, not big ones anyway.

So this blog really is a thank you to Michelle more than anything. A friend (who charges me for her time and scars me for life lol) who has a wonderful way of seeing things, and an amazing ability to connect with me, in the way I usually connect with others, and dig deep enough to find the root to each of my problems. I am used to being the one who manages to dig around in peoples minds to help them see what is bothering them, and once I realised that, I found it rewarding to know I could help others. So I hope you too have found reward in what you do, knowingly or otherwise.

I know I have caused some upset along this journey, and won't say for one second that none of it was intentional, that would be a lie. But there are things that have happened which should not have, misunderstandings, and some huge moments where I have failed to consider the impact of my words or actions, which has led to awkward and sometimes painful situations, for which I am truly sorry.
While taking the time to realise I have to do what is right for me, and me only, which has only come recently. My conversations with close friends has made me realise lots of people need that level of control in their lives, and it is NOT selfish or ignorant, it is necessary and normal to protect what is precious to you, at any cost!

I also realise while I manage to pigeon hole people in my life, in an order of trust and importance, so do others. And just because they hold a prime pigeon hole in your life, you may not rank the same way in theirs. Not a bad thing, just a reality of life. Of course you can be upgraded and moved around as life goes on, but it is not for us to decide our place in other peoples lives.

Right, that's enough of that.

Thank you to the special people in my life, in the top row. I shall try to grow from this and respect whatever place you have for me in your life.

Published on Leave a comment on You fuck up!

Continuing on my path of good highs and epic lows,  the cycle continues. I seem hell bent on making life miserable for myself in any way possible. Finally I have found something I am really good at..... Fucking up! "Never be like you"  by Flume is a really good soundtrack for my feelings right now.

If I could help myself even one tenth of the way I screw my life up,  I would be in a much better place.

My mind is spinning,  my thoughts are self destructive,  and my deep seated intentions seem to be to ensure I stay as fucked up and alone as possible.
Is it possible I am hoping to find happiness in the misery I create for myself? Or am I just out of control in my own tiny mind?

Running away from everything seems like the only way,  slamming doors shut,  closing  out uncertainty,  protecting myself from the unknown. The downside being shutting out people I want and need in my life,  and isolating myself from things that bring me joy.

Right now I know no other way,  and don't want anyone to prove me wrong,  or show me hope.

Fuck up!