Skip to content

Published on Leave a comment on Sidenote on medications…

I feel it is important to add that this is not my first rodeo coming off SSRI's, and have been in control of it in the past, so I have some experience here, I am not just winging it. Also my decision to come off them is not based on any negative feelings towards the medication. I am fine with any side effects I have experienced as they have always been for the greater good in the short term. That is not to say I have not found them frustrating at times, I really have.

Medication for mental health is a positive thing, which should have no stigma attached to it. It is not shameful or weak in any way to have some chemical assistance with getting yourself back on two feet. Short term or long term, they serve a very important part of controlling mental health issues. That said, they are not a one pill fixes all, and they are not 100% effective, they just assist. The rest of the journey is up to you. 

For me this journey has been a combination of self awareness, medication, counselling, physical activity and surrounding myself with the right kind of people. "Surrounding" might be a bit overkill, given how little I like crowds and people, but having a small circle of people I can trust, rely on and talk to has been a big part too. 

Self awareness is massive, as it is really important to know how you are feeling, what is triggering any sort of wobble, and what you can do to help with it.  For me unplanned excursions and events are horrible, and made even worse if there are lots of people. Planning makes me feel in control and safe, even if the situation gets busy. Over the past months I have realised that focusing on what is right near me, and not further afield makes things easier. Not seeing a massive crowd, just the six people in closest proximity to me. They are the only ones I can influence in any way, so no point looking further. Using this method I have been in situations I would have otherwise melted down in.
Self awareness also helps you realise when you are starting to feel like you can fly solo, like I do now, and indicate a good time to fix into a routine, and see if you are ready to reduce medication.

Physical activity is another massive part for me. Being able to exercise, get the heart up, block out my surroundings, and just run or ride free. Or as has been the case for the past week for me, walk. Not being able to run or ride right now is horrible, especially at such a key point in it all. But I know I can get back to it soon, so am staying positive. However in general, when I ride or run, I am free. Not bothered very much by the people around me, and able to open my mind up a little. Think clearly, while being distracted by my surroundings, and giving me other things to think about. 
I should add that photography is also part of this process, and taking pictures not only gives me memories to save, but also keeps the mind alert, distracted from my own thoughts. It gives a much greater appreciation of what is all around us, and seeing more feels like my mind is slowing down to a gentle pace, no longer frantic with the worries of the world.

Counselling is very hit and miss. In the long run the CBT I did this time was worth it, but not for the reasons it should have been. My reaction to it this time was to push back against the process, and made me determined to find my own way out of the hole. It was not helped by being off sick at the time and having all the WFH stuff going on too, just to be open about it. Talking in general is very helpful. Having people to talk AT, and just blabber it all out til it makes sense to you can make a difference (Sorry Jason, Matthew and Scott lol)
The way my mind works, is by saying it, I process it. If I just think something, it remains in the whirlwind that is my thought process. Only when I spit it out from there, into a reality, be it spoken or written, can I finally get to grips with it. Imagine all your washing in the machine, on full spin. You see something orange... is it the sock you are looking for? Could be, or it could be something else. It's not til the machine stops you will know, and can do anything about it. Hope that makes sense. That is just how my brain works. 

Then there is the medication. Chances are, at the point where you started taking them, you have no comprehension of what your baseline is, so that is when having people around who know you, and are happy to be honest with you helps. They can't see what is in your mind, but they can tell you how behaviours and mannerisms have changed. From the start, I like to keep a diary, note how my thought processes are changing, and how I feel about triggering activities. Knowing these things will help you understand the impact the medication is having on you, and if it is helping in the way you need it to. It is not meant to numb you until you are better. It is there to help with it all.
For me, I like to think I know when I need that extra bit of help these days. I have done it enough timest o know when I am fighting a losing battle with myself.

For anyone who has never been prescribed or taken any sort of meds for mental health, I say don't be afraid of it, make sure the GP starts you on a low dose, so you can get to grips with any side effects, and at the same time feel the positives. Even within my own circles, I know people who struggle with mental health at times, but feel meds are the enemy or just not neccesary. They are NOT the enemy, but I respect those who travel their journey solo without meds. I have done both, and both have their merits. It is a personal choice, and so long as it is not driven my the stigma of mental health and medication, kudos toy you for your decision.

Published on Leave a comment on Today is a big decision day!

For the past couple of months, as you may know, I have been reducing the dose of my meds. Sertraline, an SSRI, basically works by increasing serotonin levels. It had been a long time for me since I was last on anti depressants / anti anxiety meds, but last summer, with everything going on at work, I needed some help. That came in the form of meds and counselling.

SInce the final decision was made regarding my WFH status etc, I have definitely been in a better place mentally. Over the past few months I have felt a good positive change in my moods, and ability to function in general. These changes are aside from how I already felt being on the meds. Having used SSRI's previously it has always been important to me to document and be consciously aware of how I feel, and any changes. This helps in the decision making process for weaning myself back off the meds when the time is right.

After the WFH decision was made, I started making note of the meds and moods, and after a few weeks started to reduce the dose. I have not been on a high dose at any point this time around, so things were slightly less critical for me. 
I would like to say this was done with the guidance of the GP, but that is not the case for a number of reasons. Primarily I wanted to feel in control of things. If I don't change the prescription dose, I will always have sufficient meds to increase again. Whereas if I do it with the GP, the prescription will change, and if I wobble and feel the need to increase, I would need to speak to the GP again, and getting an appointment would just add stress, making the whole situation feel worse, and defeat the object. 
Anyway, I have retained the normal prescription for now, and slowly lowered the dose. A few weeks at a time on each dose, until I reached this week. 

Now I am at the point where the dose is so low that I can either stop completely, or do one day on one day off so to speak, as the final step. In reality, with the dose this low, it is really only a mental exercise, and any effects would likely be psychosomatic anyway. But nonetheless, it's all about the process and feeling you have done the right thing. The half life of the drug is 24-32 hours, so by doing one on, one off, the levels will remain present, with no sudden drop off for the off day.

Obviously as will all things like this, timing is key. The timing for me on one hand is perfect, and on the other hand, depending how you look at it, couldn't be worse.
Almost a week post surgery, off work for a week. Three weeks out from a long planned trip to Florida, and four weeks out from getting married. So as the timing goes, if I alternate this week and next, I will be off meds with a week to go to Florida. Again, two weeks in the sun, away from everything, relax, and unwind. But at the same time quite full on with travel too. Not that a micro dose that I am on would change much about that anyway.

I would of course take the meds with me, although they take a few weeks to kick in properly, at least I would have them if I needed to restart the course.

While writing this (as usually happens) I have had the conversations with myself that I needed to, and pretty much come to a decision, but I am always interested in other peoples opinions and experiences, so feel free to share either. 

What do you think?

Published on Leave a comment on This time tomorrow..

By this time tomorrow another little curve ball adventure of my life will be pretty much over with I can't wait to be done with it. Back in Feb I had a tattoo sleeve started, while I was slow to heal (I am getting old!) I healed well in the end. One small area which had been the last to heal kept scabbing. Assuming it was something to do with the healing I thought nothing of it. However in the last month it started to become a bit of a lump.

Now convinced it was unrelated to the tattoo, and starting to concern me, I booked an appointment with the doctor. The good old "call up at 8am and pray" method. To my surprise I was given an appointment for two hours later at 10am, face to face too!
After a short consult, the doctor said she thought it was OK, but as it shared some signs of a BCC (Basal Cell Carcinoma) she wanted to get it checked out by dermatology, under the two week cancer screening rule. Off I went home, expecting to hear something sooner or later. This was the Monday. On Tuesday morning a letter dropped through the door, with an appointment for the Friday of the same week. WOW!

On the Friday I saw the dermatologist, who examined it, could not be 100% sure of what was going on due to the fact I am one of those stupid people who gets themselves coloured in, so decided it would be better to get it cut out. So treatment and diagnosis in one, as a sample would be sent off for testing. 
Here we are two weeks later, and tomorrow I go into Lewisham Hospital to have it removed.  

Over the past week it has become a little more uncomfortable. Possibly because I am more aware of it, and keep knocking it, but possibly because it is becoming more tender.

When discussing the lump as it was growing, I had said to Ann that if they decided to remove it, the date could be an issue. If it was much later than tomorrow it would still be healing at the end of the month, and that would not fit well with going away to Florida to get married. I never like the idea of travelling with a healing wound. This didn't go down too well, and a few people thought I was nuts for saying I would rather have it done after we got back, than travel while healing. Thankfully the dermatologist completely understood my thoughts, and tried very hard to find an appointment with the right person for the job in time. 

She was even kind enough to comment on the tattoo covering the area, and say it would be a shame to ruin it, so she wanted to get it done by plastics to be sure.  
All that is left to do now is see if I can convince them to let me take a pic or two. It is only a clinic setting as far as I know, not theatre. 

While all this is going on, and with 30 days or so left til we exchange vows (me and Ann, not the dermatologist), I have been experimenting with drugs too!
OK , that sounds wrong, I have been adjusting the dose of my medication. Since I started on Sertraline the dose has never really been that high. Given the original reason for feeling the need for meds was "temporary", waiting on the decision from work about my Work From Home status. I was always confident that unlike previous times on meds, this time would be short lived, and as soon as I got the decision I was waiting on, I would be able to come back off them. 

That decision was made a couple of months ago now, and I have carefully picked my time. Not rushing into dropping the dose, waiting for a baseline to appear again for me, then slowly starting the process. One of the key reasons for starting the drop now has been the problems getting hold of the meds in the first place. For some reason the prescription can only be repeated a few days before the last round of meds runs out. For example, prescription filled 1st Feb, 2 months worth, I am not able to request a repeat until the last week of March with just a few pills left in the pack. 
Ironic getting anxious about running out of meds for anxiety and depression!

By dropping the dose slowly, I am now almost stockpiling, as I have not done it formally through the GP. I want to be in control of the dose for now, and not have it dropped, struggle on a lower dose, then panic about not being able to get a new appointment to have it increased again. 
From a dose of 50mg a day (told you it was low) I first did a few weeks alternating between 25 and 50mg each day. Once levelled out and no strangeness encountered, I have now dropped to 25mg a day. That is half a pill a day. 

Obviously mid way through this process, the whole lump on my arm thing has come about. So if anything was going to cause a wobble, affect my sleep, energy levels of mood, the threat of the C word would be the one. However I am happy to report that I have not struggled at all. In fact my mood has been pretty darn good to be honest. I must admit I have had a few days of not focusing properly, but in general, as you can probably tell by the length of this entry so far, my mind is working well. 

That was always the #1 concern for me. Through everything, the one thing I have always clung to is my mind, and ability to communicate. It is how I cope. By sharing with others, and explaining to the world, and most of the time myself at the same time, how I am feeling, what I am thinking, and how I am coping. When my mind becomes cloudy, my mood really takes a hit. 

There are of course other side effects to be had, the prevalence of which became apparent to me recently when contacted on Twitter about a comment I had made about Sertraline. It seems a large number of people feel very different sexually when taking such medications. I am no exception to this. However it is causing alarm in some circles, especially for those taking them long term. My own experience has been varied over the years, but of course I have not remained on them "long term". A couple of years was the longest period for me, and I can say that I was not affected sexually on that occasion. 

This time around, taking Sertraline rather than Citalopram as I have taken in the past, I can say openly that I have very much been affected, but feel that as the dose is decreasing again, so are the side effects. 
I can also definitely feel a difference physically since dropping the dose.  More energy for running and cycling, getting out of bed earlier in the mornings, and just a better sense of general well-being. 

I should add to this blog, that I was reminded this evening how long it has been since I last wrote anything. A brief conversation with a complete stranger, turning into a chat about mental health reminded me that it was about time I logged some thoughts and info. And it feels good to be doing it too. So thanks for the nudge, you know who you are. 
Conversations with others over the past couple of weeks have also had me thinking again, and I have so much more to write. As ever my thoughts are always with those going through the lows, and I am always here to chat to. Although should add that I hate talking, and WhatsApp is always my go to. 

Now that things are getting exciting and chaotic again for me, I shall make a point of making more entries again. Trying to lighten my load, while sharing my thoughts with others. The more we share, the less alone we feel on the journey. It's good to talk, express yourself, get the frustrations out of your head and into the ether for others to relate to, and offer their thoughts on. 

Right, I will shut up now but as ever, thanks for reading, and watch this space.

Oh, PS, should I do an Instagram account for this blog? Sharing snippets from it, links to new blogs, and the occasional inspirational thought I might have? SnazysMind.... What do you think?

Published on Leave a comment on The life / drug balance.

It is a tough one to get right, that is for sure, and a journey I am currently on. Each time I use anti depressants or other anxiety medication, I reach a point where you feel you are levelling out, and start to have the internal conversation about what percentage of it is you, and how much of it is the meds. Trying to remember what "normal" felt like before your last episode is tough. We all have a perception of how we think we behave, but it is not always the same as what others see in reality. This is why I find it important to have people around me who are not afraid to tell me what they see, rather than what they think I want to hear. 

From my perspective I can make the following observations. 

  • I am sleeping much better than I have for a long time.
  • I dwell on things much less.
  • I feel vacant at times, unable to focus on company.
  • Fatigue is a part of every day, especially when exercising.
  • I feel calmer, and more at one with the world.

These are just the key points I can identify, and the ones which I have to consider when deciding the next step with medication. Some of them are unwanted, others much desired, what I have to do is determine the causes of them, and which I can trade. For example, sleeping better is massive for me, setting me up mentally for a good day. Not laying there over thinking for hours on end is wonderful. Fatigue on the other hand bothers me. Physical exertion which used to feel rewarding is now hard work, nausea inducing, and impossible to achieve the data I used to. 
If the meds are causing both, do I sacrifice sleep for the sake of physical achievement for that short lived dopamine hit? Or do I keep the sleep pattern, and accept that my exertion levels are not what they once were?

Same for not over-thinking things vs feeling vacant. Can those around me accept I might tune out of the conversation, completely unintentionally of course, just because I don't want to over-think things as much as before. Which ironically is what I am probably doing right now, but I feel relaxed about it, and am not constantly thinking about it, so that is OK.

The biggest problem here of course is I am completely in the dark about what effect the meds are actually having, and what the impact of reducing and eventually stopping the Sertraline would be. As I said before, I have been through this process a number of times previously, but am almost completely ignorant to the actual impact. The only thing I can say for sure is I have never come off the meds too soon, and have always maintained a stable level following the reduction and subsequent stopping of the meds. Many happy years have gone by without meds, so I know it is something I am capable of doing, just not at what cost.

One interesting thing is my Garmin Fenix 6X Pro watch. Wearing it all day everyday, it records a number of metrics. Recently as I increased my activity levels again and noticed I was not 100%, I had a look back over the data, and was quite intrigued by what I saw. From a week or so after starting the medication, and again after increasing it, there was a notable drop in fitness status, max HR, max power, running pace etc. All of which I retrospectively put down to general fatigue, and mid activity fatigue. Simply not having the effort to give. Could this be down to the meds?

Chatting to a friend about this over the past week to try and get some outside perspective on it, I think the conclusion I have come to is my mental wellbeing is more important than ego stroking performance stats. If I can still enjoy a good bike ride, just maybe with 10% less effort, whilst getting a good nights sleep and waking mentally and physically ready, then it is a good trade. Finding new limits might take a while, but it is a change I am willing to embrace. Of course, that does not mean I am just going to carry on taking the meds. I have no issue with being on any form of medication, if it offers me an improvement of quality of life, and is required to maintain my state of mind. I have always felt this way about medication. There is a difference between necessary and just the norm.

The plan is to speak to the GP about reducing my dose first, then relying on people around me (as well as my Garmin) to tell me if things are changing, and if it's for the better or worse. As humans we are so adaptable to change, sometimes it is hard to spot the change, and be sure if it was beneficial. If all goes well reducing the dose, I shall remain on that for a while, then try lower or stopping, again with the input from the GP. There is also a second medication I am on, which again is starting to leave me wondering if I can change the dose, as all the indicators are showing that I am doing a lot better than I was before, so it will be an interesting exercise to reduce them both at the same time. Not that they are known to interact.

This time of year is probably the best for me to do an experiment like this. I said back last autumn when I started back on the anxiety meds that I would stay on them for the winter, giving myself time to level out, and get through the tougher time of the year with the cold and darkness, before trying to see how I would do without. I am aware of the impact the seasons can have on my mood, so probably best not to mess around too much.

Hopefully in the next week or two I will speak with the GP and get the ball rolling on this, maybe even be med free for the wedding in August, who knows. There is no rush, and in reality no NEED for change, just a curious mind in need of some answers. 

Let's see how this goes.
Oh and note to self.... Blog more if and when off meds, so I you have something to look back on to see what the non-medicated normal looks and feels like.

Published on Leave a comment on Grateful for a little perspective.

I do a lot of thinking, and a whole bunch of talking, be it on IM, in this blog, or occasionally face to face, but I can't really say I do a lot of thinking about the talking and communicating I do, other than "did I waffle on for too long". However occasionally I get feedback in some way, shape or form. Be it a comment on a blog entry, or in a message chain. I never take for granted anything I have said will have any sort of profound impact on someone, or even that it will make any sense. I do have a tendency to get a little abstract with my way of thinking and talking at times. You might have noticed. 

The one thing I will say is that everything I say or write is always with intention and purpose. Wait... Did I just quote Justin Bieber song titles there!!!
But seriously, I speak from the heart and mind. My aim is never to pretend the world it perfect, or that people are saints. I like to try and find a balance between what someone needs to hear, and the cold hard truth. False hope is cruel, and just prolongs the situation for longer than it needs to. When I write a blog entry I want to share my experiences and journey with others to try and show that life is never smooth. It is filled with highs and lows, challenges and rewards, adversity and opportunity. However you want to phrase it, it's just not simple. My hope is that people will come away from an interaction with me in any form with a little strength and courage to carry on down the road, knowing better times are ahead, and that we can all overcome issues we face in our lives.

Sure we might have to take a different path to the one we hoped to walk, but where there is a will there is a way. I am always so happy and even overwhelmed when I realise that I have made a positive difference to someones life, no matter how tiny. Over the years I have heard from people from all sorts of situations and walks of life, saying how a blog post made so much sense, or how their past conversations with me one day made something seem a little less lonely and frightening. 

However, I want to talk about yesterday now. In the morning I headed out for a ride to meet two dear friends in separate locations for coffee and a chat. Long overdue, and just what the doctor ordered.
At around 9.30, while sitting having my first round of coffee and cake for the day in Southwark, I received a message on WhatsApp from a lovely woman I know. Now, first things first, she is a very special little thing, and has been through a lot in her life, so I always check messages ASAP with friends like this. Seeing it was a voice note I was keen to know its content. However it also seemed a little rude to play it out loud while chatting to a friend. So I turned the volume down, and put it up to my ear. Hearing a soft and happy voice, I was relieved it was not anything bad and that she didn't need my help. So I paused it there and carried on with my chat.

A little while later when I left that location, my intention was to listen to it again, however I got caught up finding my next friend en-route to me, and completely forgot. I wasn't until I got home later in the afternoon that I remembered and sat to listen to it. Hearing the first part over again, I smiled hearing her happy voice, and the meaning of the date to her. As the message progressed and became more intentional and personal a wave of emotion washed over me. Something I have to say I am not familiar with at all, but it felt wonderful. I won't go into detail about the message, but will say it was so very personal and touching, and I will be keeping it forever, and listening to it when I feel low. Hearing such appreciation, and such an honest and raw "opinion" (if that's the right word) of how they view me and my life was deeply touching, and meant the world to me.  So thank you so much you wonderful woman, for making me smile from the inside out.  I know it seems a little egotistical to feel that way about someone singing your praises. However it was more about knowing that what I do, say, and write actually matters, and that means the world.

I felt really bad after hearing the message, that I had left it SO long to hear the whole thing, and respond. Here was someone laying it all out there, and paying me such a huge compliment, and I waited all day to even give it the time of day. However, it was only the happiness and feeling of security that the start of the message gave me, that allowed me to leave it that long. Had it been anything else, I would have given it my full attention. That goes for anyone who reaches out to me, you will become my NUMBER ONE priority in your moment of need, just as soon as I get your message. I might not immediately answer a call, I might not see your message straight away, but the second I do, if you need me, you have me. 

 It appears I was on a bit of a roll yesterday, and another thing I had said to someone else also made sense, and they expressed their gratitude for that too so, go me !

So what this blog entry is really about is gratitude. I am thankful for receiving the voice message, and it has renewed my desire to put it all out there, be honest and open about my life, in the hope that my journey resonates with others who can take some comfort from it, or that my openness gives people the confidence to speak to me about other things, things I may not have experienced, but my opinion means something to them. Over the past six months or so I have continued to learn more and more about myself. Acceptance of my limitations, aware of the difference between dreams and goals, and most importantly, what a difference, one person, one conversation, a single moment in time can have on our lives. I love sharing these moments, and my goal in life is to be a part of as many peoples moments as I can. And leave a positive mark on peoples lives whenever we interact.

Thanks for reading.

Published on Leave a comment on Raw, real and relatable.

So I have just finished watching the Second Chance Podcast interview with Tom Gaymor on YouTube (link below) and can honestly say I am experiencing such a mixture of thoughts and emotions, it's quite strange. It is always amazing to hear other peoples stories in depth, especially when you already have preconceived ideas about them. In Tom's case, I am a long time follower on Twitter, and find a lot of what he says and stands for very relatable. However, on listening to the podcast, my eyes are now open wide with enlightenment and amazement. Life is not a competition, not for a second, however some of the battles Tom has faced put my own into perspective. I am sure Tom would say the same about many other people himself. No two lives are the same, so it is wrong to try and compare, but sometimes you can't help yourself. 

Link to the Podcast here. 
Second Chance, Tom Gaymor

The first part is about Tom's early days in motorsport, an environment which I imagine is character building, and by his own admission sets a high bar for the other parts of life.  Following an accident, Tom begins to struggle with his mental health. Finding things he once considered normal, to know be terrifying challenges. Even the most mundane of situations now creating chaos in his life. I won't go into too much detail, as I would definitely recommend giving it a watch or a listen, but let's just say it is at this point things became very relatable for me. 

Control. This is a word that comes up a lot in the interview, and during my recent CBT I realised played a big role in my day to day life too. To be clear, control in the sense of routine, known outcomes, and forward planning, rather than being a controlling personality who wants everything done their way. 
I think "control" is a good summary of my requirements of situations. I don't like surprises, I like normal.

As I watched I was writing paragraph after paragraph in my head in response to it all, yet as I sit here writing this my head is empty. Usually for me, my thought process is very repetitive, unable to shake a thought or an idea until I do something with it. Either speak to someone or write it down. But for some strange reason, the conversations I was having internally as I watched, seem to have washed away. Almost as if I was speaking with Tom as part of the interview. I don't know, it's a hard one to explain.

I think the most profound part for me was to hear how immediately debilitating the anxiety was. From the instant it took a hold, normal life becomes a thing of the past, and everything you once took for granted disappears in a flash. Everything feels new, scary, and such a big challenge to overcome. Everyone is different, and we will all struggle with different things. I have no idea what part of the brain decides what will suddenly become problematic, but the common theme seems to be social environment. I have never been particularly social or engaging, in Tom's case he was, however we were both somehow left with a feeling of discomfort around people. Regardless of if you are social or more introvert, not being able to mingle with society for even the most simple of things is crippling. The natural instinct is to hide away from it, to avoid it, but in reality this just makes things worse. 

The feeling of not fitting in, isolation or just feeling frantic about what used to be normal should be the alarm bell to get some help and guidance with things, however humans are pretty good at adapting to changes in life. It is not always for the best, but we do it anyway. Once we adapt, we just carry on as normal. And for some this is where the problem can start, not dealing with the underlaying issues can have catastrophic consequences in the long term. For me it was probably a few years before I did anything about my issues. I had just grown familiar with avoidance, and my greatest trick, masking. Masking or acting as Tom put it, is a great defence, building a character front that can appear to be fine. Happy, chatty, engaging, and all the things the world wants you to be. However as soon as you remove yourself from the situation, the exhaustion sets in, and the anxious mind takes over. 

Unable to switch off from all the thoughts going through your mind. Playing situations over and over again. All in the past, but IF ONLY you had said something else. No matter how many times you remind yourself that the past is the past and you cannot change anything, it makes no difference. 
Or on the flip side, preparing for something that has been planned in advance. Catastrophizing it long before it has happened. Thinking through scenarios, how things might (or might not) play out. Before you even get there you have lived the whole event a hundred times, and are ready to go home. 

I was writing notes as the interview went on, highlighting some of the above points that had been discussed, to remind me to include them, when out of the blue Tom mentions writing notes in the same sort of way. OK now it really is getting freakishly relatable. Looking at said notes, it brings me onto the next one I have written down, and the final part I wanted to address. Telling someone. 

The first time you connect with someone in the right way, and are able to tell them what you are going through. Your struggles, and how it makes you feel about yourself and sometimes about others. It is such a moment of empowerment, and in some cases it can happen more than once. Depending who you surround yourself with, there will be certain elements which are more relatable, and therefore easier to be open about with different people. I am lucky to have a tight circle of friends, a great support network, and I am proud to say it works both ways. I think that has probably been one of the most important parts of it. 

Talking about things should be a dialogue, not a monologue. If you just talk, there is no structure, it becomes a wild ramble (a bit like my blogs at times), and can just be a little empty. Being able to relate to the person you are talking to, even if from a totally different walk of life is key. That is my finding anyway. Having spoken to a number of professionals from counsellors to CBT therapists, if you don't connect, it feels pointless, and becomes a bit of a chore. I have had times where I have had more benefit from a coffee with a friend, than a few sessions with a "professional". I don't mean any offence when I say it like that, but it is true. I am sure other people connect better with some of the pros I have spoken to than I did. But if its the wrong person, it is counterproductive and can actually make matters worse.

For quite a few years I worked with the Royal College of General Practitioners in London, as an expert patient. The idea was to work with medical students, and do role play scenarios. They would do a consultation, and I as the patient would present myself in a way similar to how I would to my GP. They would then diagnose and offer treatment or advice. The one thing I always tried to drive home in the debriefs after each consultation was engagement. Taking the time to connect and engage with the patient. Try and form trust, and help the person feel they were being listened to, understood, and most of all were not alone. For some people the GP or therapist may be the only person they will ever try to speak to about their feelings, and the outcome can be tragic in some cases. 

It is all very well saying "talk to someone", but when the reply is "chin up" or "you'll get over it", it is pointless. The same way it can be pointless telling people they should ask how you are twice, once "how are you" and then the "and now how are you really". You will only get asked for help if you are the right person, one they feel comfortable talking to.

It's a fickle thing the mind, and it works in the most mysterious of ways, but one thing anyone who has ever had any sort of battle with anxiety would agree on is you have to want help, before you can start to get back on track. 

I will always share my thoughts and experiences, just in the hope that there may be that one person out there who it resonates with, and they can feel less isolated, know they are not the only one who struggles from time to time, and that there is hope. Your new normal may not be the same as what you are used to, but as long as it makes you comfortable within yourself, and content with every day, you are winning. 

Right, I am rambling now, so that's me done with this rushed entry.
Thanks again Tom for being one of those people willing to peel back the layers, and share his experiences. It is really heart warming to see and hear.
Honorary mention to Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe and their Parenting Hell podcast, which over the past 12 months or so has really explored mental health and anxiety. I would love it if there was a spin off where mental health was discussed even more. Experiences of the well known, but relatable makes a world of difference. 

Published on Leave a comment on Low mood or lazy?

Sitting here this morning, raining outside, got plans later this afternoon, and I am having an internal debate. Do I jump on the trainer for a bit and have a quick Zwift session, or do I take it easy this morning and enjoy my afternoon. I can always go for a ride or have a Zwift tomorrow... Right?

Then the thoughts and questions start. Am I just having a chilled morning, am I being lazy, or do I have a low mood today? If you apply the same to say running, and asthma. As an asthmatic I am familiar with being seriously short of breath and struggling to breathe. However I am also familiar with pushing hard and feeling a shortness of breath which is simply from over exertion. They are not the same, but having a history with asthma creates a moment of worry about what it is. Does that make sense?

When you have a condition, and are regularly affected by it, any sign of symptoms immediately starts an internal conversation about what could be wrong. So today, rather than just saying "I can't be bothered" and brushing it aside, I then have to worry about why I can't be bothered. Then you start to see other signs which may or may not be there, then the anxiety really kicks in and you are now spiralling.. Over a simple decision.

Fixating on what will come next, is this the start of an episode, how bad will it be, what can I do to stop it... That's it... STOP! Take a breath, step back and look at everything one piece at a time. You have worked hard this week, you are a little bit sore still, you want to enjoy your afternoon with your friend. Its fine, you are fine, you are just being sensible and letting yourself rest, and have some downtime. It's the weekend, it's what it's for.

Welcome to the mindset of an anxious person who also deals with depression. Nothing is simple, nothing is straight forward and thought free. Everything you do is filled with continuous internal dialogue, so the easiest thing to do is nothing. No people, no activities, just NO!

Aaah, that's better. Get the thoughts out of your head, slow the frantic thought process down by writing it down. Hearing it as you say or write it, finding the weaknesses in the argument, and seeing the rational viewpoint. Calming down, breathing easier, heart rate slowing, feeling at peace again.

Having these blogs, written in the moment, gives me the ability to look back at similar thoughts and moments, see how they break down, and what the outcomes are. Be able to see it worked out OK, even when I did take the lazy approach for example. Sometimes the best person to talk to is yourself, just the other you. The calm you, the sensible you, and not the version that catastrophes the simplest of things.

I will leave it there, but hope you enjoyed a simple five minutes in my mind.

Published on Leave a comment on It’s official!

As of 8.15 this morning, I officially work from home.... Permanently! With the exception of infrequent meetings at the office, or location based training.

I had a meeting scheduled for 11.30 this morning with HR and my manager already, so was expecting news today at some point. However last night on checking my work email I saw a late email from HR saying they were trying to call me. I emailed an up to date mobile number to them in case they wanted to call then.

This morning I checked my phone and had missed a call from HR. The dread started immediately, and the playing of conversations in my head spun up to speed. Checking my email I saw one from HR saying my manager was off sick, and that HR would try to call me.

The first way my mind played this out was to think that the meeting would be postponed and the decision would not be revealed until all parties were on the call. This is my mind of doom we are talking about here.

Not giving my mind time to run away any further, I called HR back. She said that my manager was off sick at the moment and they had decided to postpone the meeting until he was back in the business.. The voices were loud... "I KNEW IT!" However she went on to add that she did have news and wanted to let me know that I would be working from home, permanently from here on in.

A meeting is still needed to formalise all of this and sort out the finer details. Notice for meeting at location etc. Not to mention any provision the company might make for my arrangement. So I still have a few hoops to jump through, but the main flaming one is done.

I guess at this point I am meant to feel some sort of emotion, however I feel nothing much right now, with exception of course to feeling like my anxiety has packed up and gone away. Most of it anyway. It is a relief, a weight has certainly been lifted, but there is no joy, exhilaration, or anything like that. Not yet anyway.

Now hopefully I can focus more on my own well-being.

Phew, that's better.

Thank you to everyone who has played a role in this. From advice, to counselling, general support, and of course for those in the business for getting everything done. It hasn't been an easy road at all, but now we are here I can see that every action has its part to play.

Published on Leave a comment on It’s the final countdown…

If you can hear the 1986 rock hit by Europe in your head right now, you are not alone!

EUROPE's "The Final Countdown" Video Surpasses One Billion Views On YouTube - "We're Sure We Have Annoyed A Few People Along The Way" - BraveWords

Yup, as I sit here writing this, I can hear the guitar solo now, and it sounds epic.

Anyway, back to what I came here for. The clock is ticking down now on the meeting that could change a lot for me. Something I have worked towards since about six months into the Covid pandemic. From the first couple of weeks working at home, it quickly became a dream to stay working this way. Not because of travelling, I kinda liked my commute on the bike. Gave me headspace, fresh air (kinda anyway) and much needed exercise. Nor was it the appeal of being off the radar so to speak. I have no issue being held to account for my actions and productivity.

If I had to sum it up in one word, I would say the biggest problem was "people". Frequent readers will know how I feel about people in general, the less of them around, the better for my brain. I was reminded of that only yesterday with a trip to IKEA. Finding myself occasionally stepping aside into a corner to let groups of people past, as I was aware I was getting uncomfortable about it. 

This is one of the many things I have learned about myself over the past few years. Rather than staying in the thick of it, sometimes it's nice to just get out of the way, and let the madness pass. If I get off a busy train I do the same. Stand against a wall until the wave of people has passed, and then carry on. Difference is, working in an office, they just don't go away. They are there all day, and regardless of your mindset, you are stuck with it. Some days are better than others, but all days are exhausting.

Over the past three years I have become very comfortable with not having to deal with that environment, and for the past two and a half years I have worked hard to make my case for remaining working from home. I know the majority of the group would also prefer to work from home permanently, with one or two exceptions I am not sure about. However as time has gone on, the group case, and MY case have taken separate paths, to the point where I occasionally enquire about the group case, but with far less interest. 

Conversations have taken place time and again. Some people being hopeful and positive, others siding with the doom and gloom of it being inevitable that we will return to the office. The sheer lack of voices when it came to having a say and making the case was enough for me to go my own way, rather than be a part of something that had no momentum. Of course, regardless of this lack of enthusiasm by the group, I do hope everyone gets what they deserve... Or should that be hoping for? You decide. 

For the last year, I have discussed my case with numerous people in the company, eventually finding the core of people who I needed to speak to to try and get things sorted. Doctors, counsellors, occupational therapist, managers, HR and so on. I won't go on about it as the previous blogs have done all the detail and moaning already, but it has all come to THIS!

11.30 on Wednesday 15th I have a meeting with my manager and HR to "finalise" the arrangement.
Take that phrase any way you want, I have no idea of what exactly to expect, but obviously I am siding with positivity for my sanity sake. I think shortly after that time, all being well I will post a little update blog with what I have been told, and hopefully draw a thick black line under it all. 
I am of course aware that it could go a number of ways, and not all of the variations end with me having cake and eating it. But, like I say, I can hope!

So, with 80's rock blasting in my office, I will leave you with that... Here's to midday on the 15th, and knowing the nitty gritty. 

 

Published on Leave a comment on Why can’t I sleep?

C'mon, cut me some frickin slack brain!
Months in the making, the meeting and decision I have been waiting for is just around the corner, and yet I still can't sleep. I am not over-thinking what will happen in the meeting, much to my surprise. Instead I just have an over active mind that just refuses to shut up and let me sleep. 

Anything and everything is fair game. These are not thoughts full of dread and fear of anything. Just.... thoughts! It makes no sense to me at all.
Granted sleep has aways been the enemy, but still.

Maybe it is because at the moment I feel I have less to worry about that I am simply more aware of some of the utter rubbish that goes through my mind at night. Whatever it is, right now I am so very aware that I struggle to get off to sleep at night. Although it has to be said, if I wake during the night, I can get back off to sleep again much better at the moment. Maybe I am just being greedy and wanting too much from life lol.