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Published on Leave a comment on We have movement!

In the name of fairness, I thought it only fair to say that this afternoon has been positive, and I have received word from my manager and HR that we are to have a Teams meeting on Wednesday of next week to discuss things going forwards.

I expressed my concern about the sound of this, and that it made me feel on edge, as if I was in trouble or something. However I was assured by my manager and subsequently by a senior HR that there was nothing to be worried about. My manager went as far as to say that there was nothing to worry about and just waiting on HR to confirm I can continue WFH, so hopefully good news.

Sounds positive for sure, but I won't start counting my chickens just yet. 

As I am writing this I have just had an email from a more senior HR, so will check what that says... Hold tight!

Interesting..
Choice wording, "a meeting has been scheduled for you to finalise the situation with your work arrangements"

Sounds even more promising. But let's wait and see. 

Thanks for staying up to speed with this wonderful matter. Keep it all crossed and I will update as soon as I know something. 

 

Published on Leave a comment on Dismissive of my own well-being.

I have just penned a draft of a letter to work, making a formal complaint about the way matters relating to my mental health are being handled, and as I read back through it I realised something.

While I was writing it I was trying to find the right words to express my feelings on the matter. Words that carried the right weight, and conveyed the right message. However on reading it back, I could feel the emotion of each word bubbling away inside of me. I was not crafting a strongly worded letter, I was saying how I was feeling.

On the realisation of that, I did a quick assessment of how I am feeling right now, and discovered that I am actually nowhere near as OK as I am trying to show I am. On the surface all is well, the mask is in place, the stuff upper lip holding firm. But below the surface, I can feel myself shrinking away. Becoming more and more affected by being ignored, feeling worthless, and losing all my motivation and energy.

Sure the weather isn't helping much, and not being able to get out and blow off some steam isn't ideal, but as a whole, I feel mentally drained. Something that even shows in my Garmin metrics. Sleep poor, body battery poor, resting HR elevated, stress higher than normal. And all because I can't get my HR to take my seriously and deal with my situation once and for all.

When you think mental health, you should also think urgency. When a situation becomes so dire that the person waiting on a decision needs to start taking medication, alarm bells should start to ring. Once all the facts and reports are in place, it becomes a mere formality to tick some boxes, and make a decision. Such a decision should take a matter of weeks of all parties are available to discuss.

Once that matter spills over into months it becomes out of control, and is either misunderstood, or beyond the remit of the person charged with the responsibility of the decision. That, or a matter of laziness and ignorance to mental health.

When this carries on to a point where it has been almost EIGHT MONTHS since all the details were in place, it becomes something far more serious. Either a calculated attempt to brush the matter aside and hope it goes away. Ignorance is bliss, they will go away if I ignore them long enough. ORa display of complete inability to deal with the matter. Either way it is a complete and utter failure internally by a department to deal with a mental health matter with the urgency and compassion required.

If you are the person on the receiving end of this treatment, depending on the fragility of your state of mind, this could be utterly devastating. For a very vulnerable person to feel ignored, belittled and worthless, this could literally be a matter of life of death. The decision you are waiting on could shape your whole future, will you have a job, can you pay your rent, can you afford to live..... Do you want to live?

Thankfully I am not of the mindset to end my life. However, sadly there have been cases in recent years where colleagues have done just this. Not I might add because of direct failings of HR, but none the less we have had the completely mentally vulnerable working with us, so who is to tell who that next person is, or what will be the straw that pushes them too far?

I am now left gathering myself up, and trying to find some get up and go before I spiral further down into depression and a feeling of self loathing. A feeling I am all to familiar with. This time of year usually sees me flourishing, instead I am curling up, and not even wanting to get out of bed. Hopefully I will hear something soon, but I am growing tired and impatient now, and quite frankly becoming disappointed with myself for being so understanding and patient.

Published on Leave a comment on Getting things straight while I wait.

Following on from yesterdays frustrations, I thought I would put my thoughts down here, as I have all along through this process. Yesterdays interaction was counter-productive, and I have to say had a horrible impact on my state of mind. Something I have long tried to avoid, but the situation yesterday felt so dire that it put me into a bit of a tailspin. Last nights sleep was poor, and today I feel a bit twitchy and edgy while I wait to hear back from any one of the parties involved. 

Going back through the timeline of all this, and making notes for my reference, I feel even more annoyed about it all now, than I did yesterday. 

In May 2021 I first started conversations with HR about the road ahead. Highlighting how different my life had become since lockdown, and how it felt almost impossible to return to that way of working, knowing my mental health would suffer for it. Initial responses were good, but at that point we were a long way from getting back to an office, let alone normal lives, so it is easy to say.

At this time I also started a series of blog entries expressing how I was feeling, and what my dream of the future was for work. Life was now so different, and I felt like a new man. 

By May 2022, as the world started to get back up to speed, and everyone started to find out what the new normal was for them, I waited. With the company still working on their new hybrid working scheme, no one knew which work groups would end up with different arrangements. Around this time we were informed there were three groups, office, hybrid and remote. Until now we had been remote throughout Covid, and with no short fallings in our work flow. Proving we were an effective team working remotely. Remembering of course that our role is a remote one regardless of if we are in an office or not, as our workforce is nationwide. 

With all the chatter and rumours, I reached out to my HR and expressed my concerns, explained how I felt, and tried to get some clarification on what direction we would go in. Sadly no one had the answers, but I was assured that consideration would be given when the time came. 

Early July 2022, we were told that the decision was imminent, and we would know very soon. Sure enough by the 19th of July we received word, and it was not good.  At this point I forwarded an email to HR which I had pre-written for this exact situation. Knowing my mind would be all over the place, writing would be impossible, so "here's one I made earlier". The next day I received a comprehensive reply, recognising my concerns, and telling me the following...

we will always support anyone with a disability and look at reasonable adjustments. I am not sure if you have been to our occupational health provider previously, but we will need to send you to our occupational health provider to understand if you have a disability and what that disability is and get some professional advice on what we need to know as employers. Once we receive a report back, we can then have a discussion on what is next, but without this we are unable to determine if you will continue to work from home or return to the office.

 

Sounds simple enough, right? A formality and one I completely accepted, and embraced. After all it would be good to get the opinion of an expert on this, so I wasn't to feel like an entitled brat. One was arranged for 16th Aug 2022. While I was waiting on this appointment to come around, growing ever anxious, and it really starting to affect my day to day life, I spoke with my GP. This was on July 27th 2022. At this point she recommended medication and a referral to IAPT. A couple of weeks later I had my Occupational Health appointment, and was told the report would follow shortly. Without going into detail, the report was very supportive and understanding of my situation, and very clear in its intention.

A few days later I received a paper copy of the report, and HR would have received their copy too, via email or post I am not sure. None the less, I received NOTHING back as far as HR was concerned. The report they had requested, and since received got no recognition from them at all. So on the 9th Sept 2022 I emailed my HR and asked for an update and confirmation that they had received the report. Along with an update from my GP, noting I was now on medication due to the anxiety caused by waiting and waiting. The reply was a short and sweet one, and basically told me that I now had a new HR rep, and that it was all being handed over to her. Getting this information I forwarded my last email to her, and introduced myself and my situation. 

I received a reply from the new rep the next morning, saying she would get back to me shortly, and just clarifying the source of my OH report. A few days passed and I had heard nothing, so I followed up with her again, and politely asked for...

Even just an idea of when I can expect a decision to be made about my situation, so I can try and get things under control would be appreciated. 
At this point it has been 3 weeks since the report was sent, and I have heard nothing.. 

I received a reply apologising for the delay, that she had been on leave and was catching up on emails, but had reached out to my line manager for more information. That was the last I heard. From Sept 12th 2022, I didn't hear another word from HR. I occasionally caught up with my manager to try and get updates, but really didn't get anything other than he was waiting on HR to update him. On the 14th of Sept, during a follow up assessment with my GP, my medication was increased and it was recommended that I not work for a while, and I was subsequently signed off sick on Sept 20th.

After seven weeks or so off sick, I returned to work, hopeful that having seen how bad things were getting, the matter would receive some attention and be sped up. I returned to work in early Nov 2022, and once again heard nothing. On the 3rd Jan 2023 I emailed my HR and line manager with a comprehensive timeline of events, long details of what had happened, what I was waiting on and who had said what, along with prodding a bit that the report had been received back in August of 2022. While I received a reply from my manager, the only thing I got from HR was an auto response.

I am out of the office on  29th December to 5th January 2022 with no  access to my emails.  I will respond to your email on my return    

You may note that it says Jan 5th 2022, that should actually read 2023. It is irrelevant though, as I received no reply whatsoever. In fact I heard nothing from HR on the matter until I chased it all up once again on, wait for it, 3rd March 2023. I sent a few emails that day, to various levels of people in the business, all with varying points and requests. Keeping it polite and professional, I asked my HR...

Further to the attached email dated 03/01/23 , I just wondered if you had had a chance to follow up on my PHC report.
It has been quite a while now, and I would really like to get this whole matter wrapped up for the sake of my sanity.
I would appreciate it if you can drop me an email and let me know the current situation.

I received a swift response for which I was grateful.

I have been away from the business and just returned today. I am catching up with emails. I will come back to you  as soon as possible

Within a couple of days I had established via my manager that there was a meeting taking place between himself and HR soon, so I once again emailed HR and asked if we could speak prior to this, so I could ensure all my concerns were being addressed. You may have already seen my blog from yesterday expressing my dismay at the outcome of my conversation, but in case you missed it, I shall summarise.

HR seemed blissfully unaware of who I was, what I did, what issues I faced. Not to mention unsure of the time I had been off sick, the content of the HR report, or what indeed I was even waiting for. Expressing they were not sure a WFH role was ever fully WFH. Having waited since last August, when my case was handed over, my OH report was received and I had ultimately been off sick, it felt like I was insignificant, and it was almost an attempt to  "leave him long enough and he will fuck off". That is truly how it felt, and indeed currently feels. 

Instead of feeling like I have been patient with a process of due course, which ultimately has my health and sanity at its heart, it feels like I am an entitled, pestering arsehole, who is joked about amidst the ranks, and frowned upon. Needless to say that is devastating to my mental state, and no matter how hard I try to deny it, has affected me deeply. 

I am told that meetings are taking place today to discuss the situation, my manager has also expressed frustrations at how long it is all taking. Senior HR are aware of my feelings on the matter, so right now I have done all I can to try and push things along. To my knowledge a senior Ops manager is also involved in todays meeting, although I am unsure if my situation is on his agenda, it is an opportunity to discuss it with someone in a position to make a decision. Senior HR are also involved to a level that the decision can be made from their side too. So in reality, with all those who can, now aware... What exactly am I waiting for now?  This is where my main frustration lays now. 

The longer I wait, the harder it gets to sleep, and function day to day, and I am simply not willing to put my mental and physical health on the line because certain parties simply cannot be bothered to move things along in a timely manner. Should things persist, and no progress be made, I will not hesitate to speak with my GP again. 

I have been told by a number of parties involved in todays meetings that I will hear an update today via email or call. While I don't expect a final decision, I would at least hope that an email will be received as promised. Although I am not going to hold my breath with the above timeline in mind. 

Thank you so much if you have made it to the end of this rant. I really appreciate it.
While I know it is probably frowned upon to openly publish things like this, and employers may not like it, I am using this blog to timestamp and record my feelings in relation to the constant delays in resolving this matter. 

 

 

 

 

Published on Leave a comment on Rather fucked off!

Well, I'm still waiting to hear about my situation re WFH following my Occu Health referral last summer. 

I have recently been chasing up on the matter, and going higher up the ladder, which culminated in me having a phone call with my line HR manager just now.

Just as a quick catch up, I will list below the timeline of events so far, a timeline which I emailed to all parties involved back in Jan.

  • 20th July I emailed to raise the issue of my anxiety relating to the return to the office. A number of exchanges were had, and I was advised to speak to my GP and arrange an appointment with PHC.
  • 27th July I spoke with my GP and was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder. I was prescribed anxiety medication, and referred for CBT. A follow up appointment 2 weeks later was made. 
  • 10th Aug I had a GP review, and my medication was increased due to no improvement.
  • 16th Aug I had a phone assessment with PHC
  • 19th Aug Report from PHC received by all parties via email. 
  • 8th Sept CBT started with mental health team.
  • 12th Sept Follow up appointment with GP, and signed off until 4th Oct (first week self cert)
  • 4th Oct sick certificate extended until 2nd Nov by GP during review.

I think that is a pretty good summary for anyone to make a start from.

Unfortunately the call I just had filled me with nothing more than dread and despair. The HR manager was not really up to speed with my situation, history with anxiety, journey through this matter as listed above, nor much else about me to be honest. Checking with me the dates I was off sick, what my diagnosis was, what my job title was, and what "persona" had been allocated to my role. A phrase I was unfamiliar with, but understand it to mean office/hybrid/remote.

It is nothing personal of course, but incredibly frustrating to have a conversation with one of the links in the chair, and to discover that they have pretty much no idea what you are talking about. I have gone from speaking with other parties and feeling confident that we are getting somewhere, to feeling that I am asking a bit much, and it is unlikely that I will get a favourable outcome.  

She did have recollection of talking to the manager about the group decision, but there was very little more said on that. The outcome was basically that she will speak with my manager about it tomorrow, and get back to me with an email update tomorrow. I did have a whole list of questions I wanted to ask all written down in front of me, but firstly didn't really get the chance to say much other than answer her questions, nor have much faith that they would get any kind of answer. I tried with a couple, asking who makes the decision, and a time scale, but the replies were open and a bit empty. The decision will be made by..... I don't really know, it depends what your manager says, I will speak to him about it.

So that just makes it sound like NO conversation has taken place between any parties since the initial PHC referral, which given it was about 8 months ago now, is both disappointing and fuckin outrageous! How can we be this far into the matter, with a full medical report written by Occupational Health, a full timeline supplied by me numerous times, a whole chain of emails going back almost two years talking about this, and there being seemingly absolutely NO knowledge or progress on the matter?

I am currently sitting here going through a whole range of thoughts and emotions about it all, none of which are very positive. I do however fall back on my decision about all this, and that regardless of outcome, I will not go back to a toxic and negative environment. 

I started today feeling pretty happy and chipper, maybe a little anxious about the call taking place. A simple 10 min phone call has wiped out most of the positivity I had, and left me further back the process than I started the day with. It feels like I am starting all over again now. All I can do is wait to see what the email update from HR says tomorrow, and go from there. 

PS, I am not in a bad place mentally, just really annoyed and upset by the call. 

 

 

Published on Leave a comment on The year ahead – 2023

2022 was one heck of a year. A lot happened, I feel I achieved a lot, and grew as a person both physically and mentally. So I go into 2023 on a high, and with a positive state of mind. Wanting to improve on the last year, and feeling I know the direction I want things to go in. Now all I have to do is make them happen.

There have been a few challenges along the way, and one heck of a hiccup resulting in me ending up taking time off sick with anxiety for the first time in a few years, as well as ending up on medication again. That wasn't the plan, but at the end of the day, life doesn't always go to plan.

For me, a new year, is in reality nothing more than another day, another week. Truth be told we put way too much emphasis and pressure on the calendar resetting to Jan 1st, and the year rolling one digit forward. New Years Resolutions, promises to ourselves an others, unrealistic goals and so much more. Nope, it is just another day. But sure, I will play along, it is a great opportunity for a fresh start, to set some goals, and to improve ourselves. 

However, regardless of how pure the intentions are, we have to be realistic, and honest with ourselves and others. If your goal is to be fitter, do that, be more active than you were the year before, don't aim to become an adonis by Spring time. If your goal is to treat people you care about better, first up, take a long hard look at yourself and ask why you treat people the way you do in the first place. Maybe they are the wrong people to be around in the first place. But then after that, try pausing to consider the impact of your decisions on the ones you love. How would you feel?

For me, looking back over 2022, especially the thousands of images I captured, I could see what my "goals" were. I use quotes because I don't really subscribe to goals much anymore. A few years back with cycling I realised striving to achieve goals was robbing me of the happiness and genuine moments I was experiencing, trying to reach those goals. So ever since I have aimed at the grin factor, and the happiness things bring me, as well as the mental stability certain things give me. Aiming for something is great, it gives us a direction to head in, a focus. That is all I need in my life. 

This year I will turn 50, in about six weeks time in fact, and I can't wait! It's a milestone I once wondered if I would ever reach, then something I feared. However as the years have passed, and I have found my stride, I feel it is something to celebrate (no I am NOT having a party!), rather than cringe about. I am in a happy place in life, a great relationship, a place I understand mentally, and financially I can't complain. I am fit and healthy, which was never something I really saw when I was younger. Someone in their 50's was slowing down, spreading out, and their health was starting to fail. 50 years old for this generation can easily be as plentiful as 30's and 40's. 

In the summer I will also get married to Ann, in Key West in Florida. Something I am excited about and looking forward to. Seems fitting that the year I turn 50 and finally start to grow up a bit (mental age of a 15 year old maybe?) I also get married. I think I always imagined myself married at points in my life, but at other times gave little thought to. But it is nice to be going into marriage with a good feeling in my heart about it, and not some youthful, rushed thing domed to fail. 

The wedding itself being in Florida means that not many people will be attending, which is a little bit sad in one sense, as there are a handful of people I would love to share such a special day with. But at the same time plays to my happiness too, as the last thing I want on mine and Ann's big day, is to be overwhelmed with anxiety if everything is OK, how many people I will have to interact with, and feeling like there is a whole load of fake around me. This way, we have our moment, in a beautiful place, and after that, when we get back, can pick and choose our times and places to celebrate with smaller groups of people. That sits really well with me, and I hope with Ann too. Discussions would indicate that at least.

With regards to the rest of the year ahead, there are a few things I want to see happen, and will do all I can to help them along their way. There are some plans I have for myself, to keep myself healthy and challenged, and then there are things I am curious about, and may or may not look into further. 

I would love Work From Home to become a permanent thing, officially. Signed off by work, approved by the most senior of people, and removal of any doubt or worries about what the future holds for my job. The wheels are in motion, things are happening, but after 6 months since the original decision was made, for us to return to the office, nothing more has really happened. My OH assessment doesn't yet seem to have provoked a response from work, so this Jan I will be working towards, and pushing harder for resolution once and for all. 

Going hand in hand with the above, I would like to review and consider my options for medication for both long term uric acid levels for my gout, for which I take Allopurinol, and the meds I am currently on for my anxiety. While just a low dose, I would like to consider if I can be back off meds for aniexty and depression, at least until I feel I need them again, which hopefully won't be for a few years again. This is something I need to speak with the doctors about, and then carefully reduce the dose, while paying close attention to the effect it has. In reality, if the decision is to remain on both, so be it, but I would at least like to see if it is a need or just a precaution. 

Also with the doctors I have another decision to make, and one which also requires a bit of discussion both with them, and others around me. Having spent many years with myself and my thoughts. Writing blogs in the moment to read back through later, something kept coming up, especially with the regards to anxiety. I have never really found a cause for my dips in mood, the key to depression or trigger for my anxiety, however I have become more and more aware of what can provoke reactions from me. Working through CBT recently for social anxiety I started to see a pattern appearing.

The GP had referred me for social anxiety based on my preference of working at home, and my dislike for being in busy places. Which fitted fine in the short term. However as the CBT went on, and I challenged myself to push the boundaries a little, I realised it was more than that. It wasn't so much the large groups of people, it was the noise, and the overwhelming impact it had on my senses. Unable to think straight is what causes the anxiety, and from there it spirals fast. Avoiding busy places, or noisy and confusing places is simply me protecting myself from the inevitable reaction that will happen. 

Even the relaxation of just sitting in a relatively quiet space, focusing on one thing can be destroyed in seconds by another source of sound. Immediately everything suddenly feels loud and overwhelming. My thoughts blur, my focus disappears, and I begin to catastrophize. From this point there is no going back. If listening to music in public, if there is too much other sound, I have to turn my music off until the clash has passed. Imagine a music room at school, where kids have all just been given drums, triangles, recorders and violines and are trying them out, together, loudly, all at once... That is what happens in my head when senses clash. Visual, and audiable are the worst two for this for me. 

Anyway, back to the point. I started to wonder if there was actually a cause to my anxiety after all, which was affecting my life from behind the scenes, leaving me unable to function at times for no apparent reason. OK, I am just gonna say it, Autism!
Something I have never really considered, and to be honest not understood either until the last six months. Looking at some of the details, and understanding that the word "Autism" does not mean non-functioning, not able to be "normal", or anything else as drastic as that. But instead can be as simple as someone who struggles with sensory overload, the symptoms of which can manifest and play out in a multitude of ways. 
Looking into ASD screening has been an eye opener for me, and something I am curious about, but as of yet undecided on. I don't want some sort of life changing diagnosis, I don't expect to suddenly feel better. I just want to understand myself and my mind a bit more. I am comfortable avoiding social situations, I am fine with people thinking I am rude. But if I am honest, it would be nice to be able to explain it to myself an others simply, rather than over thinking and then being left to make "excuses" for my decision and behaviour. It's not me, it's YOU!

I will look into this more over Jan and decide from there, but I am VERY curious indeed. So probably will get it done in one way or another. 

Finally I come to my physial activities for the year. Having missed a lot of running last year due to injury, I am going to get back into it again. Ease up the load on the bike for a bit, and spread myself out a bit focusing on well-being and not well done's for achievements. 2022 was a huge year for achievements, a marathon, 3 halves, Ride London, the trip up Alpe D'Huez and more. So I have nothing to prove to anyone. I will always be inspired and motivated by the numbers in the sports I love, but fitness first this year. Mental and physical.  My physical activities maintain my mental health, so the two go hand in hand as a "goal".

That's about me for now, just wanted to get that all out there as the new year starts. 
Whatever your goals and ambitions are, I wish you all well, and thank you for sharing my journey with me. 

Thanks for reading, and happy new year. 

 

Published on Leave a comment on Finding inner peace

Strange title maybe but the only way I could think of explaining it. 

Quite a few years ago when my aunt became ill, I became aware of her neighbours. Christine and Dyfrig who had kindly taken it upon themselves to care for her. Making sure she could get to hospital appointments, and ensuring she ate well and took her meds. 

As Joan's condition got worse, and my visits to see her increased, I spent more and more time in the company of Chris and Dyf, and relied on them to keep me informed of any changes as and when they occurred. Chris soon became Joan's paid carer and looked after her until her last few days, at which point she was moved to a care home. 

It was Chris who called me and told me that she felt time was short and maybe a visit would be a good idea. Naturally I left immediately and headed up to Wales. On my arrival I was greeted by Chris and Dyf, looked after me like their own, and spent hours talking to me about Joan, her situation and anything else we chose to discuss. 

Making me supper on the day I arrived, giving me the best grilled cheese I have ever eaten. Unfortunately I was also feeling a bit rough, so I was given tablets, made a drink and told to rest well. 

After heading back home a few days later, it was the following day I would receive the call to say Joan had passed away. 

I cannot imagine a more caring and loving couple to have cared for my aunt during these times. So I have always been grateful for their help making sure Joan had the best final years possible. 

Over the time I spent visiting, I grew close to Chris and Dyf, to the point they were always on my mind whenever I visited Wales, and I always made a point of stopping in for a coffee and chat. Between visits we would exchange emails and the occasional call. Of course, I am not great speaking to people on the phone, so a few went unanswered from time to time. 

With Covid and Ann having her accident on Feb of 2020, I was unable to make my normal trip to Wales that Feb. From that point on with lock down, isolation etc, visits became impossible and as time passed contact was lost. I did email them a couple of years back, but other than that there has been nothing. 

Until today that is... 

With a little time to pass this morning after arriving in Wales, I took a drive past their house, to see if everything looked the same, morbidly worrying one of them may have passed during Covid. Looking from one side it appeared all was the same. Passing by the other elevation of the house, like fate, they both walked into the kitchen and I saw them 

Knowing they were both OK there was no time like the present, so I parked up and knocked. Encouraged to do so by Ann of course. Dyf came to the door, told me Chris wasn't well, and invited me in. I called Ann from the car and in we went. I went to the kitchen to talk to Chris, Ann joined Dyf in the lounge. 

Turns out Chris has had heart and lung issues, leaving her on oxygen permanently, and Dyf had a heart attack three years ago. So it was all the more relieving to see them both in fair health now. 

We got talking in seconds, and I made sure I apologised for my tardiness, and lack of contact, which I was immediately told not to be silly. I almost instantly felt like no time at all had passed, and after catching up on personal matters, we were soon putting the world right with our current affairs discussions. 

I can't explain how important this was to me, and how good it makes me feel to know I have mended the connection, and we are able to speak again. They are a very important couple to me, and I will forever be thankful for what they did for Joan all those years ago. 

Love to you both. 

Published on Leave a comment on So, what now? What’s happening?

Fresh from being discharged from CBT, I am now flying solo again. Just me and my meds, getting by each day, doing my own thing, and trying to live my best life using the new found skills and self belief. But what does that look like, and what is the road ahead for me. 

Before we look forward, let's take a quick look backwards to before all this started. And by this I mean my massive flare up of anxiety, which lead to seeing a GP, being put on meds, being referred to the company doctor Occupational Health, getting urgently referred to CBT, etc.

Around July of 2022, as I was planning a few days off work, we were told that the company was looking to get us all back to the office full time, in the not to distant future. Our workgroup had NOT been deemed WFH or Hybrid. This set off a massive chain reaction for me, causing a huge increase in anxiety, and for the first time in a long time issues with my mental health and wellbeing. Highlighting this to my manager, and HR manager, I was told that an appeal had been lodged to get the powers that be to reconsider their position on the matter. This could take some time, we were told. 

Keen to get a grip on the situation I discussed with HR my concerns about returning to the office, the impact I felt it would have on my mental health, and my long history with anxiety and depression. Swiftly told that this would be considered, I felt some comfort, but not for long.
I was then told that I should speak with the company OH service to get their take on my situation. Feeling as if I was being tricked somehow, I felt severely anxious about this appointment, as HR had advised me that it was pretty much up to OH to advise HR on what do next.

By August I had an appointment with PHC, the company doctor and OH service. I had built myself up into a frenzy about how the consult would go, but was quite surprised by it all. I have written a separate blog about this, which remains unpublished due to the delays, which I will get to. However I did feel understood and supported by the doctor, I will leave it at that. Now all I had to do was wait for a copy of the report and see how the company would respond. A few weeks later in early Sept the report arrived. I had a read through, understood what it said, and the implications of it, and awaited a response from management... Nothing!

A week or so passed, I sent an email asking what the company was doing based on the report, and got very little back. Confirmation it has been received and read, and much to my dismay, notification that the HR who has sent me to OH in the first place was no longer my HR manager, and my new one was on annual leave. Perfect. 
By this stage, riddled with anxiety, and feeling like I had nowhere to go, worrying that the silence was actually the company plotting against me, unhappy with the OH report, I made an appointment with my GP, and told my manager and HR that this is what it had come to. 
What I found most incredible about the whole situation is that I was suffering with anxiety, telling them about it, and being left hanging, to become even more anxious.

The day of the GP appointment arrived, and quite unexpectedly, the GP immediately prescribed medication for me, a new type I was not familiar with, and signed me off work with immediate effect. Returning home from the appointment I emailed my manager and HR telling them of the outcome, and the sadness I felt at being prescribed medication for the first time in years. Seeing as the whole situation felt induced by the uncertainty of returning to the office, it was like I was now going to have to medicate to continue to be able to function. All that was needed to prevent this was an email of reassurance, and one with a plan of action. Not immediate change, not everything my own way. Just a simple notice of intentions, and how things would happen moving forwards. But alas this seemed to much.

In total I was signed off for about 7 weeks. During which time I was referred to the local mental health services, and started a 12 week CBT course, which is now completed. 
During the time I was off there were a number of email exchanges between myself and both HR and my manager, however none of these produced anything along the lines of a definitive answer as to what was happening next. Verbal conversations confirmed once again that the report was read and understood, and the company would comply with the recommendations, but as far as anything in writing that I could refer back to officially, nope, nadda, nothing.

Returning to work, it was understood that due to the medication my mind was a bit wobbly, and that my input would be limited until I found my feet again, I appreciated the support I received during this time for sure. However normal service soon resumed, and all communication about my situation fell silent. 

It is now the end of December. 19 weeks since I was assessed by the company OH doctor, 16 weeks since the company received the report from the OH, and still absolutely nothing to confirm what the plan is moving forward. We have of course used the "no news is good news" phrase a number of times. While the company continue to decide the appeal process of the entire work group, we remain working at home, which of course is a blessing. But it is not a definitive answer, and doesn't quash the anxiety I feel every day from thinking about all the "what if's" involved. I remain on medication for the anxiety caused by this situation. Something which is bitter sweet, as it feels like I would not be in this situation had the company acted swiftly and definitively on receiving the report from OH, which THEY requested in the first place.

There is of course a complication in this matter, which I appreciate and accept 100%. That is "me vs the group". While all this is going on the management are working at the appeal to get the decision for the whole workgroup overturned, and changed to WFH. This while it sounds simple has far reaching implications, and requires a lot of changes to be made company wide, at least as far as the UK is concerned, maybe even Europe. It sounds simple enough, tell the group who are at home, they can stay there. However it requires changes to job description, equipment provided, scope of the role, not to mention the position being recognised as a WFH role moving forward for any recruitment purposes etc. There is a lot to deal with and decide on, I get that.
HOWEVER....
With OH report in one hand, medication in the other, and my head in between both of them, all I want is an agreement in principle, that regardless of the decision for the group, the decision for ME will be unaffected. And that moving forward, whether it be after the decision for the group is made, or prior to that for me alone, they will take the advice of the OH report, and make changes accordingly.

"Dear Michael, as you know there is an ongoing process that could take some time to resolve regarding your workgroups position as WFH. However, please accept my assurances that the OH report has been read and understood, and moving forward it is our plan for you to......."

Is that really so hard? I don't get what the issue is. I have said numerous times now to HR and my manager that something as simple as this, assurances in principle would go a long way to put my mind at rest, and help me on the road to recovery. Regardless of the group outcome, I am told changes will be needed for me to bring things into line with the companys policies. I get that, and right now, I am happy with the changes I have made for myself to accommodate working from home. I have spent quite a bit on a home office set up, separate phoneline for work calls, multiscreen set up, standing desk etc. Far better than I had at the office, and items I am quite happy to have paid for for myself. 

With all that in mind, the ask is a simple one, yet after 4-5 months I am still none the wiser. 
As we approach the end of the year, I am putting things to the back of my mind, I know my options moving forwards, and I am in control whatever the outcome. So with a positive mindset, which is quite the accomplishment for me, I will roll into 2023 with hope in my mind, and fire in my belly. Come January I am going to open the can of worms and shake it all over the place, until I find the one I was looking for. 

The situation for me in general, well for now I will remain on the meds until things at work are resolved. I have wondered a couple of times if I want another dose review or not. Part of me is aware that settling in the evenings is becoming more problematic again, however actual sleep, and my ability to shut down negative thoughts is much improved. My thought process and cognitive function however has made a fight back and is at a manageable level. Concentration is still a struggle for me, the number of times I have had to ask Ann to repeat herself has increased no end. And I still struggle with conflicting sounds, causing my mind to just shut down for a bit.
So maybe I am just at the sweetspot for meds right now, and should settle for taking a little longer to get settled and off to sleep at night?

There is of course the other issue of what is caused by the anxiety and meds, and what is caused by other factors or conditions? Something I may still look further into next year, but for now, I am at peace with myself and able to have a happy life. I can still ride my bike, and plan to get some running back in my routine next year.

So lets see what is indeed next... Time will tell, it always does. 

 

Published on Leave a comment on They think it’s all over… CBT

It is now!
After three months, and 12 sessions of CBT, my therapy part of my treatment is over. I have graduated. Completing the course, and learning some new skills along the way. So how was it, what happened, and where am I now. Let's have a look shall we. I will also give a little update on the work situation and the OH/HR saga.

First up, let's take a look at the CBT journey. 
My initial diagnosis and referral to SLAM was for "severe anxiety disorder", that was from the GP, and led to my reintroduction with the system. My conversation with the GP had been very work environment focused, and the issues I felt I faced if asked to return to an office. We touched on my general anxieties too, but from this consultation, and the initial consult with SLAM, it was decided that the main focus of the treatment should be "social anxiety". Indeed this seemed logical given all the immediate issues I faced were people related. 

The first session or two were very awkward for me. A new person, meeting over Teams, and trying to breakdown my automatic barriers with regards to opening up to someone about something so personal. As we got into things, I felt myself relax a little, and just be an open book as much as I could. Open to trying new things, and happy to follow the lead from the therapist. CBT is quite a structured system, so there isn't much room for free-styling the sessions, or too much digression from the path. 

We focused on diagrams, and formulations of how things worked in my mind, how I responded to certain situations, and how my thought processes worked before, during and after encounters with different groups of people. Also taking a look at my beliefs before something occurred, and what my perceptions of myself in that situation were. One example of this was being asked if I was happy to speak to another therapist one on one for five mins, about a random topic. As my previous entry said, this left me terrified.

However, on actually doing the exercise, and looking back at the video of it, things were not as bad as they seemed, in the moment at least. And that reminded me of the complexity of the issues. Put in the situation, with nowhere to run to, my game face went on, my personality went into overdrive, and I faced it head on. Watching myself back I was shining with energy, and came across a lot more confident than I thought I might have. During the debrief I expressed how surprised I was at how comfortable I seemed to be. But an hour or so later, I was reminded of the cost of this display of glitz and confidence, an absolute energy crash.  See it turns out that the shying away from these situations is not just about confidence, it is about self preservation too, and trying to conserve my energy. 

This is something I can look back on and recall clearly time and time again. People will say how chatty I was, or how I looked like I was having a great time, but behind closed doors, for the next day or two I am thoroughly mentally exhausted, and reach a point of not being able to function. Thoughts become clouded, patience is stretched, and ability to focus is gone. THIS is why I refrain from certain environments, to be able to function day to day like a normal human being. 

So looking back at that session and the experiment, it was important to me as it both reminded me, and set in stone my beliefs about my behaviour towards such situations. Possibly not the preferred outcome of the experiment, but to me was invaluable, and something I can say I understand and am happy with the way I have chosen to behave. There is a theme that runs through this whole course which will become apparent over time I am sure. 

As we moved on through the sessions I wavered in my commitment. The build up to the sessions was becoming a source of anxiety itself, and at one point felt like the worst part of my week. Blogging about it, I tried to get some clarity for myself, and see things from an external perspective. I knew in my heart that the sessions were good for me, and as pointed out by a couple of friends, maybe it was the "challenging the norm" that was what I was being defensive about, and they were right. But so was I.
As the weeks progressed, my focused changed a bit, and for a while felt almost incompatible with the direction the course was heading in.  I had shared one of my blog entries with the therapist at one point, so I could give her an insight into my feelings towards the work we were doing. The outcome of this wobbled me a little, when we discussed this the following week. She mentioned that my blog had mentioned her by name, and that she had not consented to this. Reminding me that just like the recordings of the sessions required my consent, mention of her name in my blog also required her consent, and she had NOT given that. 
The name drop had been purely accidental, and in my furious flow of keystrokes, I had written her name rather than "the therapist", however I now felt chastised by the person who was trying to help me overcome my social anxiety, and issues with people I don't know / trust well. Own goal! The rest of the session was awkward, and I spent most of it tuned out, thinking how badly she must now think of me. Counterproductive to say the least.

This was one of a couple of moments in the course that made me feel a bit on edge, and lose faith and focus for a bit, but I am happy to say I stuck with it, and went back for more each session. Except for one. One morning I just could not bring myself to log on to Teams, and sent an email apologising and explaining what I was feeling. Anxious about the sessions, off course with objectives, and a little disillusioned with the process.  As we had passed the half way point with the sessions, I had started to feel that I understood my thought process with regards to social situations. Having challenged myself on a number of occasions for experiments for the course, putting myself in situations I would usually avoid, it was becoming clear to me what I was happy to do, OK with pushing myself to do, and happier just to avoid.

The main take away from these experiments was finding my happy medium, the place I felt I could cope with the anxiety from, whilst maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Not shutting myself away from society, but not pushing myself to become some sort of social butterfly I have no interest in being. This is where the direction we were going in started to seem off. Having discovered these things, the part that affected me the most was the post situation stress and anxiety. The build up to future events is always a little stressful, the thought process goes into overdrive, and panic sets in. The further into the future the event is planned, the longer this panic lasts for. Sometimes weeks of dwelling on things that are yet to happen, and quite frankly insignificant. 

The biggest issue I actually face, and I realised this thanks to the CBT, is after the event. There are three stages of any event, before, during and after (duh!)
Before is variable, the duration can be minutes or weeks, but however long it is, the mind works overtime to create all sorts of terrifying scenarios for me to over think, lose sleep over, and get worked up over. 
During, well obviously that is how ever long the event is, or however long I stay there before fleeing. Game face on, mask on, smile, laugh, make jokes.... Run and die!
After however, now we are talking. Away from the threat, mask off, and back in a safe place, all should be over you would think, but in fact this is where the real damage starts. 

Post event self debrief... Replaying events, and conversations over and over in my head. Rewording exchanges with people, thinking up alternative responses, imagining how I came across, wondering what people thought of me. Had I looked weak, should I have said something different. Hours and hours of reliving an encounter which had lasted 10 mins. Using up more and more mental energy to the point of exhaustion. It is hard to explain the effect of this process on me, other than to say it is exhausting and debilitating. Not to mention the knock on effect for any future situations which bear similarities. 

I am sure there are people out there who will say "over thinking, we all do it". Just like the use of the word depressed or anxious. There are varying degrees of it, and to say "I understand" can sometimes be insulting rather than encouraging and supportive. 

Anyway, I digress a little. Lets get back to CBT in general. 
With the email sent about how I felt the direction was off, I went into the next session a little afraid of how the email had come across. See how this works, I learn to engage, tell a person that is helping me that I need to do something different, then dwell on it, and dread the outcome of the conversation and what they will think of me!
Anyway, I received a reply acknowledging my concerns and saying we would discuss these on the next session. The next week we met on Teams, and I have to say it was a breakthrough moment for me.  The session basically consisted of a one to one chat about the course so far, what I had learned, the direction I felt I needed to go from here on in, and a discussion about general anxiety disorder. It felt liberating to take control for a bit. My first time using that word in this entry, but a word that came up time and time again over the weeks, control. I will come back to that.
The session itself really restored my faith in the process, and renewed my commitment to finishing it til the end of the course. 

A few short weeks later, and this past Tuesday I had my last session, and was officially discharged. Both me and the therapist agree it has been a positive experience, and my achievements are noteworthy. Having had my last session the week before, in the days following I travelled into town on the tube for coffee with a friend in SE1, then walked back to the car afterwards, once on the tube that day was enough. See, learning and knowing my limits.
A few days later I dropped the car for a service, then got a couple of trains home, before heading for a morning hot chocolate with Ann at Costa. Then later in the day getting a train back to collect the car, this time alone. During the train journeys I was able to use my new found skills to distract myself from negative thoughts, prevent a spiral of anxiety, and complete the trips without feeling exhausted or distressed. Quite the achievement for me, and to do this twice in the space of a week, WHO AM I !!

So, back to "control". This came up time and time again in the sessions when explaining what I was feeling in any situation. Loss of control equates to the unknown, which starts the mind going. Conjuring up all sorts of crazy and unrealistic scenarios, which the rational mind identifies and rejects, but the irrational anxious mind takes it and runs with it. Before you know it you are thinking about all sorts of catastrophes, from what was once a simple "as a stranger a question" moment.  My minds ability to go off on a tangent is something quite impressive. A moment of thinking about something simple in the house, can in seconds turn into recollections pf seeing my mum pass away, laying there lifeless. The possibilities are endless. Probably why quite a few of these blog entries go off on wild tangents from time to time. 

Control also manifests when I am in an uncomfortable social situation. If I become loud, and the centre of attention, I can control the direction of the conversation, and exit when I please, so that is where the social butterfly mask comes into play. I can't get away from it, so let's control it. Exhausting as it is, in the moment it helps me maintain control, and prevents my thoughts running away with me. But I can't maintain it for long, and when I over stay, it is like Cinderella at the ball. Midnight is coming, and the world is about to come crashing down.

Anyway, that about sums up CBT for me. A journey I took with a therapist, to get to know myself a little better, challenge the normal, and push my boundaries. To explore my limits, and understand my behaviours. Mission complete, and happy with the outcome. So all is well.......?
GOD NO !!!

I will end this entry here, and do another for the road ahead, and where I am now. You have read enough I am sure.

Thanks for reading, more to follow soon. I mean REALLY soon!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Published on Leave a comment on The fine line defined

On my current journey with anxiety and my mental health, I have once again made some interesting discoveries. The first being with the medication. I have felt over the past few weeks that the control I have over my moods is all my own doing, and that the relatively low dose of meds might not be worth while. However after a recent late evening wobble, and the panic setting in that I would dwell on it for weeks and not be able to sleep at all that night, I slept fine. Now I am not saying this was all down to the medication, as I know for a fact I was using techniques to distract myself from the subject. However feeling like I was going to struggle, then discovering I was actually doing OK was just a reminder of the mental numbness the meds provide. Ideal for situations just like this. I am happy to report that I have been OK with it all since too, although a little annoyed when it pops back into my head. 

So between the meds and my new found skills and techniques to deal with unwanted thoughts, I have done well, and am thankful to be on the meds. My plan to try and ease off them any time soon has been put to one side, as it seems that this is a good balance for me, especially as my mental clarity returns, allowing me to be able to write and vent again. 

Recently though, while working with the therapist on goals and what I want to achieve from this round of CBT, my goalposts have moved a little with the realisation of a couple of different factors. 
Firstly with setting goals I am encouraged to push my limits and try things I generally avoid. Tackling social situations which cause me anxiety, in order to experience them and learn from them. The aim here is basically exposure therapy, becoming more familiar and comfortable with certain situations, and trying to chip away at the pre event anxiety by reinforcing my thoughts with positive experiences. 

The second part is about me and my familiarity with certain aspects of my day to day life. When something flares up, you tend to focus on that issue, and put all the other things aside for a while. Attributing everything to that one single issue, and making it the source of all evil which needs to be overcome. In all the noise of CBT and the positive strides I am making, I had forgotten about so many other aspects of day to day life for me, and other issues I deal with. Kidding myself for a moment that if I can overcome the issues addressed in my CBT, I will be a new man... But that is NOT the case. 

As my mind clears, and I start to get back to my normal activities, I am able to ask myself questions about what I want from life, and answer myself honestly, without any sort of perfection pipe dream ideas. 

What got me thinking about all this was working from home. Sorry, but don't panic, it isn't going to turn into a post about that, although I should say I have not heard a word about WFH since returning to work from my sickness a while back. Not even the promised check in calls. Oh well!
No, instead this is about the isolation aspect of WFH, as many have spoken of MH issues arising from spending so much time alone, you may recall I actually said I had seen benefits. 

I took an afternoon to consider if it was actually having any negative impacts on me at all. On days with crappy weather, with no commute to do, I will generally stay indoors 99% of the day. Maybe spending a while in the garden with the dogs a few times a day, but nothing more. But is that a bad thing? To have a restful day, relaxing the mind and body for a bit? Some would argue that it is detrimental to someones wellbeing to be isolated like that, but in reality it is downtime for me, and something I need plenty of. In fact I would go so far as to say, having this level of control over my engagements with others is a wonderful thing. Another example of how I control my interactions, sending packages. I would rather pay more to send something to someone and use an automated drop box, than go into a local store to drop off something. A tiny interaction, but one I would rather not do. Am I afraid, anxious, or just anti-social, that is hard to say, but I will address it later. But in short, after careful consideration, NO, I don't see WFH as a negative for me, in fact I stand by my original feelings about it, and I think it is definitely a positive. 

The next thing to look at is socialising, as it is something that my CBT has focused on over the past eight weeks or so. As the sessions have progressed I have been called on to take a look at my social skills, and how they could improve for me. I think the main reason for this goes back to my first talk with the GP, and mentioning being in an office environment made me feel anxious. As we discussed this, she focused on the social aspect of the anxiety, which is fair enough, but we didn't touch on my more general anxieties, and other bits. This passed over to the MH experts and my CBT became focused on the social part, rather than broader anxiety, and that is how it has stayed. 

As the sessions have gone by, there is no denying I have gained some valuable tools for dealing with social situations I find myself in, however I feel like there are other issues I have, and struggle with that are overlooked by this focus. To this extent the sessions are feeling almost non productive at times now, and dealing with things I would not likely choose to encounter, and avoid for reasons other than anxiety as such. Although it may be generalised as that.

One of the things that I have recently been reminded of is how noise affects me. This is where the divide of anxiety and other starts to show up. For me noise, be it environmental or other sounds such as music, or even just loud conversation, is something that really impacts my state of mind. To be clear, it is not simply loud noises, I love a concert as much as the next person (artist and environment allowing). For me it is more about noise clashes. A few examples maybe

Listening to music, and hearing other sounds, music or conversation over the top of it
Watching TV, and someone speaking at the same time
Busy environments with lots of talking, laughter, screaming. (shopping centres etc)
In short, noise clashes, be they natural or man made. My brain struggles to process them, I get frustrated and then feel almost anxious, and want to escape the area. I have tried many times on focusing on one sound, trying to zone out, but it is very difficult for me to do, especially if I am already in an unfamiliar or uncomfortable environment. 

This combined with crowded spaces with lots of people moving around is an absolute nightmare for me. With regards to places like concerts, getting in and out is horrible, but actually being there in the moment is fine, or at least worth the effort of staying calm for. Like many things, it is all about the cost to me in mental energy. If it is something I want to do badly enough, I will put myself through hell to be in that moment, and worry about the cost later. But to be in a situation I don't like, then suffer the same drain of energy feels like a fail and absolute torture. 

With all the above in mind, I am left back at the same point I was before the latest bout of anxiety, and that is wondering what else there is to it, other than just anxiety. 
A while back I considered some testing for other things like Autism. Not for a diagnosis, or any sort of weird labelling exercise, but to better understand what the strange combinations of symptoms and quirks I have, and what they amount to. Just to understand it for myself and help me make better decisions moving forward. So in the new year, after CBT is all done, and I have a fresher head on my shoulders I may once again look into getting some private testing done. Curiosity not cure is my mantra for this. 

When all is said and done, and coming back to the title of the entry, I am keen to discover a few things, such as what is down to my general anxiety, and what is down to something else. What can I have some control over, and what ultimately has control over me. And most importantly, how do I adjust my life/ behaviours, and educate others around me to my particular needs. I don't want to be the guy who simply dismisses things without trying them, in fear of what might happen. I know that is something I can both control and do better with. But I also know that certain settings are simply not my thing, and regardless of reason or excuse, I wish to avoid them at all costs.

Lots more to say on some of this, but feel I have gone on long enough now and am just rambling, so will call it a day here. I am keen to get a couple of other entries done soon, but going to let the brain rest for a bit, so I don't write absolute trash.

Interesting side note, I have been writing this during quiet moments between work. Which to me is huge, to be able to switch my thought processed so effectively again is a great feeling. 

Thanks as ever for reading. 

Published on Leave a comment on Unexpected wobble!

I have been working from home now for...errm... 33 months thereabouts. In that time, since the initial testing the PC would work remotely, then returning to the office, I have only been back to the office once. That was to collect a few things I needed, just to clear out my desk so to speak. In that time a lot has happened, and as some readers of the blog will know, I have realised that working in the office environment has long been a source of anxiety for me, and was affecting my quality of life. Due to Covid and the whole Work From Home thing, I have literally had a news lease of life handed to me, being able to do my job, while not having to go to the office and be around others. 

Well, that WAS the case....
Yesterday, logging onto the work computer, username, password, enter.... Wait..... ERROR!
Hmmm, try again, ERROR!
Reading the error it said that "signing in on this credential is not possible, as we cannot access the required domain" In other words, the PC would not connect to my work network. Shit!!!

Thinking it might be an internet connection problem, I tried the alternative internet connections I have. I have a total of five available, so went through them one by one. Nope, nope, nope! Checking with people in the team to see if anyone else had problems, it appeared it was just me. Double damnit. Checking my other PC on the same internet connection all was well, so it wasn't that. Then I remembered, when we started working from home, one or two of the PC's got a little homesick and decided they wanted to be plugged back into the mothership, aka the LAN connection in the office. Once this had been done, they worked fine again.

You know what this means... I was going to have to go to the office. As soon as it became apparent, my anxiety went through the roof. I have spent two years battling to stay at home, I am 99% of the way there to be permanent, once work can commit to writing, but because of my poor PC feeling homesick, I would have to go in. Not how I saw my day going. Having told the team what the situation was, I started to get the bits together that I would need to take into the office, to connect, and check the remote access once there. Grabbing a bag, I spiralled into a blind panic, getting tangled in cables, becoming confused about what I needed to take with me, and could feel my heart pounding.

Now I know some will be thinking, "get a grip", but quite frankly, I have been trying to do that for years now, and prefer the way things work currently, without the need for added stress like this. It is the first time in quite a while that my mind has spun up and instantly out of control, and to feel that way again makes me feel physically sick and panicked. Finally getting myself as together as I could I headed out. As soon as I started the car, I could feel myself almost tingling with anxiety. Immediately wondering who will be there, who will see me, what will they think, what will I say, and so much more.

For the next 30 mins, driving to the office in quite heavy traffic, I kept having to bring my thoughts back to the moment, and stop thinking about what would happen next. South London roads are not the place to lose your concentration. Finally arriving in the area, I needed to find somewhere to park. A lot has changed around there in the past few years, and most roads are permit parking. Falling back to an old faithful space I got parked. Lifting the bag from the footwell, it felt 10x heavier than putting it in the car. Like my mind was trying to prevent me from going through with this. Locking the car and walking away, I could feel my heart racing now, sweaty hands, and a million thoughts rushing through my mind. Getting closer and closer, I just continued to feel worse. 

Seeing the building in the distance, I focused on the moment, and tried not to give myself time to think, walking quickly, reaching the door and hitting the buzzer before I could blink. After what seemed an eternity, the door clicked and in I walked. Greeted by a colleague I have not seen for maybe a couple of years, I switched on my game face, and instantly became my work persona. I could feel the switch, and can honestly say I really didn't like who I was being, but its the happy go lucky Michael they all expect, so that is the character I needed to play to get through this. Almost like an imposter, I chatted as I moved through the building, ticking off the social politeness requirements, before scurrying off to the old office and getting sorted. 

Walking into the office was a relief. Taking a moment at the door to see that no one was in there, and no other lights were on on the floor, I could breathe for a minute, knowing I was alone. As I stood there in the doorway, I felt a moment of relief, then a wave of familiarity. Not just from being back in the office, a place I have worked for many years, but also familiarity of how draining that whole routine felt every day. Running the gauntlet of the ground floor, walking into the office on the 2nd floor, and wondering which colleagues would be in the office that day, taking a minute between floors to gear myself up, and get my game face on, before becomes fake me for the next six hours. 

One good thing that did come from this whole "adventure" was the confirmation of how I feel about the whole workplace environment. This was not walking into a strange place, not meeting strange people, none of the usual things that we are anxious about. I was feeling this way purely in the expectation of the old "normal". Confirming that I am 100% not an office kinda guy. It was not all in my mind, it was not something I had made up in the early months of WFH, this is real, and it makes me feel mentally and physically ill. 

OK, I am in! Like a hacker from a movie, it was time to do my thing. Putting my backpack on the desk, and starting to unpack leads, peripherals etc I instantly realised I had screwed up when packing. With everything laid out on the desk, I realised that I didn't have my Wi-Fi dongle, therefore would not be able to test the remote login software to check the VPN connection was available. Great! So at best, I would restore my connection to the work network via a LAN connection, go back home and still not be able to access it. Thankfully I had one thing I could check. While at home with the PC not logging in, I was unable to sign into my work email on my phone. Once I had plugged the PC in and managed to sign in, I again tried my phone and to my relief, it signed in this time. Obviously something was blocking my user access to the network, and plugging in had sorted it. 

Seeing all my applications opening without issue, I didn't waste another second. I signed out, powered the PC down, and packed up, opting to leave the building the quiet way this time, bypassing all the other people, and avoiding the need to use my fake face anymore. Stepping out of the building and heading for the car, I felt like I had just pulled off a heist, and almost wanted to break into a sprint. I refrained of course. Getting back to the car, sitting down and taking a moment to settle, I could feel the stress draining from my body, my heart calming down, and felt like I could focus again on the things around me. It felt like an hour long panic attack was finally ending, and I was starting to regain control of my faculties. The drive home seemed so much more relaxed, window down, fresh air (as fresh as it gets around here), and music on. Picturing walking back into my home office and getting settled again. 

That was of course until I started wondering if it WOULD sign back onto the network remotely, would it work on my Wi-Fi, could I plug the LAN back in, or would that throw it all out again? Yup, classic over thinker, how to mess yourself up even when everything is well. 

I got home, grabbed a drink, and set everything back up again, opting not to use the LAN connection just yet, and see how things worked on Wi-Fi. I am happy to report that it all signed in fine, and I was back working again within two hours of it all going wrong. Quicker than most have managed I will add.

For the rest of the day I felt a little wound up, and more stressed than I have for quite some time. Looking at my HR and measured stress levels for the period they were all elevated. That was from briefly walking through a room of people before escaping to the quiet of a familiar office. The strange and sad part is though, that evening it felt like I had just got home from a whole day in the office. In need to unwind and relax before I could get back to being myself. 

It just felt so familiar, and as I said before, confirmed how little I like being in that environment.

Which brings me back to, waiting to hear back from work. Many calls have been missed now, and I still have heard nothing back from HR about the progress of my personal situation. Given that the not knowing caused a spiral and me to be off sick for a period, I was hoping it would be taken more seriously, but alas no.

 

Anyway, better get on.. Thanks as ever for reading. Normal service has now resumed.