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It was recently mentioned to me that it might be helpful to look into the realms of ASD with regards to my behaviours, and general mindset, not to mention the symptoms I have commonly discussed on this blog and with others. Fair to say this is not the first time it has been mentioned, and has been the topic of quite a few conversations with certain friends of late. Obviously we know I struggle with anxiety in general. But is that the condition itself, or simply a symptom of a bigger issue? That is the question for today.

Before I dive into that, I wanted to make note here that today in general has been a pretty shitty day. No particular reason, just generally started out on a low, and for a while went deeper and deeper into it.  Snappy, struggling to focus and keep my cool, and VERY irritable. Nothing particularly on my mind, but just had no tolerance for anything at all. Noises especially today have really wound me up.  I had a nice walk in the sun with Ann before work, try and get some of those endorphins flowing, then came home to relax before work. Nope, not happening, just getting wound up tighter. 

After another conversation with another couple of friends, I thought I would re-run an ASD screening test I have done before. Recalling the score, I thought it would be interesting to see where I scored now. As I went through the questions, it is incredible how many things you realise "trigger" you. Reading scenarios, then taking a moment to honestly answer the question. Not the "yeah yeah I am fine", but really being honest with myself. As I said before it is nice to pretend that you can do anything, but "coping" with something is not the same as being able to simply do something. 

Similar to being asked by the GP yesterday if I could go to the shops OK, and first saying "well yes", then realising I shop at off peak times, generally prefer smaller stores, always use self checkout to avoid interaction and so on... So, nope, I CAN go to the shops, but it is NOT easy. So today answering the questions on the assessment I thought I would allow the same thought process to take place. I learned something for sure! I am NOT OK !

By the end of the test, I scored quite highly, well into the "severe" score range, and displayed multiple strong signs of ASD. Then to the "what next" section. Well of course this was done on a private companies website, so there were places to enquire, but also some helpful pointers on who to speak to and where to find help. Like I say, this is not the first time considering ASD, so I have some ideas of what is out there. The wait for the NHS last time I checked was somewhere in the region of two years for assessment. While private clinics such as this one have much shorter waiting lists, but come with a price tag of around £2,000.

So now I am left wondering what to do next. The idea of ASD is not a simple and convenient one for me. But as I have said to others in the past, the more I have learned about it, and the more I look back over my life, the more it would make sense. Will it change anything, not really. I am not looking to "cure" my anxiety as such, not turn my life around. I like who I am, and how I live, label or not. But it would answer some questions I have asked myself, especially about my upbringing and earlier years. It would help me convey to others what I struggle to do, why, and what they can do to help me. And of course it would make me cool.... OK I am lying about that one, but there is nothing wrong with knowing what is going on inside the grey matter.

Like I say, it doesn't change anything fundamentally for me, life goes on. But it helps with the frustrations of life when you struggle being on a busy train, around strangers, or some days just want to be left alone for a bit.  Like today. Not to an extreme, but it has taken me a few hours of being at my desk working to start to feel balanced in any way. The first couple of hours, trying to do quite simple tasks of comparing data fields on documents, focusing on an issue to resolve it, or just typing in a phone number required exhausting amounts of concentration. To a point of "arrrgh I can't do this" and wanting to just call it a day. Moment like that are usually the catalyst to a much bigger and longer episode. But thankfully in the peace and quiet of an office, on my own, I was able to work my way through it, and feel much better in my mind this evening. There is hope! 

Using today as an example, this is what I was trying to touch on yesterday. An anxiety disorder, triggered by stressful situations, being in an uncomfortable environment is one thing. However today was not triggered in any way. I slept OK, and simply woke up feeling like I needed space, fresh air, and some time out. So there probably is more to it than straight forward socially triggered anxiety. And with that in mind, that is why I was so torn about starting the medication straight away, or waiting for some more questions to be answered, and more things to become apparent. If I had started the meds yesterday, one of the side effects is heightened anxiety for a while, and today would simply have been put down to that, and nothing else. 

Instead, I have had the head-space to consider opinions of others. And that is actually quite important. To have the honest and frank opinions of others, as it is so hard to see sometimes how your behaviours actually appear. From time to time I will catch myself acting differently due to how I am feeling, but most of the time it is more likely others can tell you more about your behaviours than you can yourself. So I am very grateful to have such people around me, and encourage anyone who thinks they have something of benefit to say to let me know. No offence will be taken I promise. Unless you are being a bit of a twat, in which case, expect as good as you gave. 

So now with the test results, the comments and opinions of others around me, some of whom are in a very educated position to form such opinions, when I see the doctor next I can raise the question of ASD screening, without feeling like I am clutching at straws, searching for a label, or just trying to find more and more excuses as to why I should continue to work from home.  Where it goes from there, who knows. I am sure there is a long long waiting list, and one which will not be in my favour with work related matters. However at least having had the conversation and been referred for screening, or indeed considering paying to go the private route may help in all walks of life. Time will tell. 

Thanks as always for reading a long ramble, and a special thanks to those who have taken the time to reach out, share their thoughts and opinions, and give me a little bit of hope and direction.

 

Til next time...

Not my first rodeo with anti anxiety, anti depressant meds, so that is not an issue as such for me. When the time is right, needs must, and I have no issue with taking such medications to help. But is that time now?

I am getting ahead of myself here, the last thing I said was I was going to speak to the doctors. Well, that appointment has come and gone. Much to my delight the conversation was relaxed and open, and I felt I was able to express myself clearly. More importantly I felt I was listened to throughout, and the doctor understood where I was coming from. Ironically 2 hours before the appointment I received a call from the surgery informing me that the appointment would now be on the phone as the doctor was working from home! Alright for some eh. 

I discussed how I have been anxiety "free" for a long while now, and how Covid times have shown me there is a way to do my job, and be in a good place mentally too. And that even starting to process returning to an office environment has thrown me into a tailspin, and it is affecting me. I said I have always been bad in public spaces, or crowded environments, and do much better alone or in controllable spaces. From there we moved onto the more general aspect of the issue, and the social anxiety.

Her feelings on the matter were two fold. Firstly recognising that this new episode is triggered by the fear of being back in a space I can't control, and that this has until now been avoidable with no impact to my ability to do my job, or work for a living in general. And that secondly she would like to try and improve my general wellbeing in all walks of life, by getting me help for my "anxiety disorder". Her suggestions being using medication to control the anxiety, and counselling to address the social aspect of it, and help me find ways of improving my state of mind in such settings.

We also discussed moving forward with matters at work, and how I can go about addressing my anxiousness about being in an office again. Going back over how things were before Covid, and how I have over the years learned ways to "cope" with the anxiety it caused me, rather than overcome it and feel normal at the end of a working day. Touching on how mentally exhausted I get when in uncomfortable situations. Using all my mental energy to appear and function as "normal", and when the curtain falls, just crashing and being left exhausted, and totally drained. Not to mention feeling edgy and in a foul mood. Repeat that on a daily basis, and the cycle is, wake up OK, interact with partner and friends, go to work, be drained of all your will to live, come home and be an utter arsehole until you go to sleep....Repeat...

Some would say I am not that bad, or too cranky etc, but even that alone takes all my reserves to maintain. Being aware that you are behaving like a bit of an arse is really upsetting. So you are then left with two options. Hide away, or draw on your final reserve of mental strength to at least be likable. It is a really hard one to explain, everything feels so fake. Oh look, its people, slap that smile on, crack a joke or two and reply to "how are you" with a very plastic "yeah yeah good thanks". Rather than, "well to be honest dying inside right now, this is exhausting the shit out of me".

Having spent so many years with multiple personas (not split personality), switching at will to suit the audience, I have become very self aware, and know the second I am starting to be "fake" . And let me tell you, being fake has an energy burn 10x higher than just ticking along being me. To put it in physical terms, as some people only understand those, think of the difference you feel between walking at a nice sedate pace, and running flat out as fast as you can. Heart rate rises, body temp sky rockets, muscles tense, and energy rapidly drains from your body. Now imagine feeling like that, while still just walking along. It would be alarming right? Welcome to my anxiety mind!

So, here we are, post appointment. Diagnosis "Anxiety disorder", treatment, counselling and medication, prognosis hopeful but too soon to tell. I have sent off my referral to the Mental Health service providers locally, and await to hear back with any sort of waiting time, and suggestion of treatment. I have informed my work of the outcome, and await hearing if there is any intervention at this stage, and I have collected my medication from the pharmacy.

The last two are the important factors here. Work, I am sure there is no need for any intervention at this point for a number of reasons. Firstly there is no official 30 day notice period given to return to the office yet. Just the pre-notice notice, if that makes sense. In the meantime we all await to hear if there is a chance of overturning the decision to end WFH. And secondly, at this point the anxiety has not affected my work. While working from home I am still able to function OK, but can honestly say that my focus and concentration has taken a huge hit, as I have touched on before.  If and when work are to do anything, it will be a referral to the Occupational Health service, to assess my ability to carry out my job, and see if they agree with the GP. The GP has said they are more than happy to work with the OH to make sure the best and most suitable arrangements are made, to allow me to work, while managing my well-being. 

The second factor being the medication, and the point of this blog entry. So the deciding factors here are a bit of a mess, hence blogging to try and make sense of it. Bear with me here. 

My need to go down this whole road, to me at least, has been the anxiety triggered by the knowledge of the request to return to the office coming. Until that point I have felt better than I have ever been before. Sure there have been moments of avoidance and struggling with socialising away from work. That is something I have always lived with, and chosen my battles carefully. Risk vs reward so to speak. Is the end goal worth the use of all my mental energy, feeling exhausted and edgy for the next day or two? As you can imagine there are not too many scenarios which warrant that result. The GP wants to tackle this aspect too, so the medication and counselling is to help with all walks of anxious life. OK, great.

Or is it? In general, I don't like being around a lot of people, fake people, talking shit, all in the name of looking good. No thanks, I will stick with the genuine people I actually like, people who know ME and not one of my personas, and that I can actually communicate with, without becoming exhausted. There is no denying that there is social anxiety for me in both settings, but one is far more manageable than the other. Do I feel the anxiety in the calmer setting needs addressing? Maybe! It would be nice to spend more time with people I like in a wider range of settings and environments, but do I want to medicate to do that? THAT is the question here.

The other half of the question, am I happy to medicate, and have to attend counselling to learn coping mechanisms to return to an office, to do a job I have done without fault for the past two and a half years from home? Well............... errm, no, not really! I appreciate I did it from an office before, but that was before WFH was even accepted as possible for my team, and before it necessitated us being at home to do our jobs, to enable the company to keep functioning through Covid. A change I was willing to make for my employer, at very short notice. A change which proved itself to be beneficial to the company on a number of fronts, and one which showed me that my mental health was SO much better away from an office environment. All very accidental. But when you discover a better method by accident, or through circumstances, do you change back because the old normal is the only right way?

If you commute to work by car and the main road you use is closed, and a diversion is set up. If the diversion it turns out it's a quicker route. When the main road opens again, do you go back to your old route? See where I am going with this? There is a new, proven route / work method, why deviate from it for the same of going back to the "good old ways"?

So now, while I wait to hear about the official line on WFH, if any appeal has been successful, or if indeed we will get our 30 days notice to return. Do I start the medication now, to primarily treat the anxiety caused by the news. Tolerate the side effects as the levels build up in my body, and possibly trigger worse anxiety in the short term, and maybe the need to take time off work anyway. Or do I wait for the outcome, and if it us unfavourable, and the notice is given, THEN start the process of taking the medication, at which point I feel it would be more than needed, as my anxiety will blow up? Feel free to share your thoughts.

I know the idea of the meds is to help with my social anxiety too, but right now, I don't want to take meds, and feel like I have been forced into this by matters at work. Which are the primary reason I am in this situation, and had this conversation with my GP in the first place.

Phew, that was a lot to get out of my little head. Thanks for reading. 

 

That paradoxical moment when you realise how anxious you are getting about seeing your GP about your anxiety! Seeking help about a debilitating condition, but feeling almost incapable of having that conversation with the person who can actually help you. In fear of the reaction and response you will get from that person.  You really couldn't make this up. But thankfully it is not the first time feeling this way.

I know good trumps bad here, and that ultimately the doctor is there to help and guide me through this time. They have done it before and can do it again. Having run through this exact scenario at the RCGP many times in aid of helping students learn, you would think I would be well practised. Well in that regard I am, but it doesn't make doing for real any easier. 

There have been a couple of times over the last decade where I have felt that the GP and I didn't connect in the way necessary to build trust. I didn't feel comfortable enough explaining to the GP what I was honestly feeling, started to feel stupid, so popped the cork back in the bottle of emotions. That can really set me back. But fingers crossed this wont be the case today. 

The second part is when the GP asks you what YOU want them to do and help with. When doing this in scenarios, it almost felt stupid to be asked what you wanted. Especially if this was your first time feeling this way, you would not have a clue what you were going through, and what was wrong, let alone what was available to help you. But I get it... Once you understand that they don't all want to force meds or treatments on you, and are asking how you would like to tackle the issue, it makes more sense. If only there were an easier way of going about it. Maybe running options by you, expressing their preference and then asking if you would rather go a different way?

But here I go, already 3 steps ahead of the whole process, and I am not going for another 2 hours! I just want to relax a bit, and stop running doom scenarios, and stressing myself out more. But, if it were that easy, I would not need to see the doctor in the first place eh. 

What I want from today is to create a safety net, if things slip further, to have options and a plan in place. For when my mind can't quite do these things as well anymore. If I really start to spiral, to have considered that meds are the right way to go. If I need to take a time out, and take time off, so be it, and whatever happens after that be prearranged by me in a state of sound mind, so none of the decisions are knee jerk or irrational.

In my head I have thought through and discussed with myself the worst case scenarios re work. I know if it all goes wrong and gets too much, leaving IS an option, and not an irrational one. There is a plan there of what I would do next, how I would get by etc. More importantly though, there is a bigger more hopeful plan in place to not reach that stage. To find a way to move forwards, and not have any dramatic changes. Compromise can be found if both parties are willing. And seeing the GP today is the beginning, and works fine in either scenario.

So I guess what I am saying is, this is a necessary evil that I have to go through, and a conversation I am dreading, but must happen. The only unknown now, for the next 2 hours at least, is which doctor I will see, and what their attitude to mental health is.

If you are reading this after 14.30 on 27/07/22 then I have seen the GP now.

I am sure there will be another entry a bit later on, maybe today, maybe in a few days, depending what state of mind I leave the doctors in. 

Thanks for reading.

And just like that, WFH was over!

OK, slightly exaggerating there maybe. However, the outcome of the meeting I blogged about the other day did indeed say that our workgroup is "not in the scope for WFH", and therefore must return to the office full time after a 30 day notice period.

To say my reaction to this news was bad would be a serious understatement to say the least. Sleep has gone out the window, constantly dwelling and over-thinking the decision. Mind filled with worry and genuine fear of the idea of returning to working from an office, and anxiety off the chart. To such an extent in fact, I have made a doctors appointment for next week to discuss it.

So much on my mind right now, I don't even know where to start, but will try at the beginning, to try and get some of this out of my head.

When you suffer with severe anxiety, it is not so much about curing, but learning to cope. Over the years I have removed myself from situations which cause me anxiety, becoming quite anti-social which is fine by me, avoiding unnecessary contact with people. Obviously avoiding work, unless having a serious bout of anxiety was never an option. So each time I recovered, I would make an effort, and learn ways to cope with the office environment. However, Covid changed everything.

With Covid, and the introduction of working from home, my life changed, for the better. Now I have to say, a lot of people saw the benefits such as being home for deliveries or work on the house. Childcare became easier for some, and many others saw a huge improvement in their work/home balance. No commute meaning time and money saved, and so on. But for me there was one other thing, a huge reduction in anxiety, and a massive improvement on my mental health. Seriously, you could measure it on so many metrics!

Better sleep, more relaxed mood, more engaging with others, healthier state of mind, almost no anxiety about issues at all. I have become fitter both mentally and physically. I have a better relationship because of it. I am able to deal with lifes little worries in my stride now, rather than falling apart about how I am going to pay a bill for example. I am a better me! And its all thanks to working from home. Plain and simple.

So to suddenly be told that it is coming to an end has thrown me into a tail spin. Was it ever said it was permanent, well no. But as time passed and there was talk about the new way of working, caring about peoples life balances, learning from having WFH, etc, it started to feel like it for sure. Of course, that is just an assumption, and a big one at that, so shame on me for hoping. But as groups started to find out their fates moving forward, people in groups which function similarly to ours were told they were at least working hybrid, so the assumption continued. Then BANG!

Knowing what lays ahead at least removes the uncertainty. But it also in turn replaces it with dread, fear and so much more. My mind is manic right now, concentration on simple tasks is impossible, to the point for example, cutting chicken for lunch earlier, I had to put the knife down, step away and take some breathes, to stop myself from frantically rushing, and possibly hurting myself. It sucks, and I hate feeling myself drop into this mindset. One which is all too familiar, and I know where it goes from here. The only way is down. 

Desperate to get a grip on things before it gets out of control and messy, I contacted my GP surgery today, to try and get an appointment. Of course they were all gone, but after a minute of speaking to reception, it was obviously clear to her that I was in a bad way, and she managed to get me in to see a doctor next week. This is really a situation I hoped I was over with now. Quite a while without seeing a GP about anxiety. In recent years my coping mechanisms were enabling me to work without too much drama. But WFH showed me just how much of a compromise I was making to do that. A level of compromise I cannot even imagine returning to. So much so, I am almost positive it will lead to an episode for me. 

The idea of speaking to the GP now, with the possibility of going back onto medication I have managed to stay off for a number of years now, just to be able to function normally enough to go back to working in my office. All while I have continued to be able to do my job for the last two and a half years, without issue, and in fact with increased productivity, just seems barbaric! If someone said to you "sure, just take this medication, and the job is yours".... Would you?

I know I am asking a lot, I know in a lot of cases people are asking to remain working from home for much more "trivial" reasons. I use that phrase with caution, as I appreciate we are all different, and our reasons are personal to us. Mine just happens to be a well documented mental health issue. Working from home has highlighted to me how much the "toxic" environment of an office was affecting me, even when I thought I was doing well. Only to discover how much better off I was mentally away from that environment. 

I have spent a few days now thinking things over, and trying to work out where my good place is mentally, and have come to the following conclusions.

  • I feel happier and safer working in an isolated environment. Be that a small office, or working in my home office. Preferably the latter. 
  • I am not adverse to being in larger groups to attend meetings, or training.
  • It is not about any person or individual, I simply don't do well around other people. 

This is not about being work shy, trying to have my cake and eat it, or any other head shaking, finger wagging reasons some might like to think up. This is about me being able to do a job I have done for over two decades now, one I enjoy very much. But without having to take medication to do it, and have a "normal" life. 

Without having ever known what it felt like to work from home, the idea of asking to be allowed to, and expecting mountains to be moved to facilitate me would have seemed like a bit of a stretch. But then along came Covid, forced the hand, and made changes no one could have anticipated. For some departments like the one I am in, on the surface it seems to have been a success. Sickness way down, productivity up, engagement up, communication up, and so on. So to upset the apple cart as a whole seems a bit counter intuitive. But on an individual basis, for me, is a cataclysmic blow to my life balance. 

By this point, some are starting to think I am being a bit over dramatic I am sure, and others noticing the repetition in the paragraphs, but it is with reason. Those thinking its dramatic simply do not understand the implications on day to day life living with severe anxiety has. And the repetition, well that is just to get my message across. I cannot even start to comprehend working back in the office with a group of people, without having a complete meltdown, and taking a huge dose of medication to numb my mind a bit.

What a great balance, taking medication, dulling my thought process, but being able to work, before coming home completely mentally drained from work, then starting all over again after a crap nights sleep.  

I have to say of course, that this is a fluid situation, and at this point I have NOT been given 30 days notice to return to the office. If this is to happen, it is estimated we will return for some time in September. In the meantime I have my GP appointment, have begun some online counselling with AXA provided by work, and have spoken to my manager and HR about my concerns. Which are in turn being addressed. 

With the disability act in mind, I have asked for some consideration to be given to my situation, and have been advised I will need to see Occupational Health for an assessment. I will also raise this with my GP. All I can do now is hope that my appeal is considered fairly, and that I can continue in my role, and without medication for the foreseeable future. 

Right, am back to find a cold damp rock to hide under until I hear more. In the meantime, thanks for reading this ramble. 

3

It's been over 2 years in the making, a long time sitting in the back of my mind, but the day is upon me.. Today I have a meeting regarding returning to the office. The company has been great up to this point. But apparently after a long process, the groups who will remain working from home, those who will have hybrid arrangements, and those who must now start planning to return to an office. 

Sadly, for some reason, as of yet unknown to me, it has been decided that my workgroup is NOT compatible with a WFH or hybrid arrangement, and we must therefore return to the office. To say this has wobbled me would be an understatement. 

On hearing the news, I can honestly say my mental and physical health has taken a massive hit. Sleep has gone out of the window, stress through the roof and my anxiety is at a level I can't remember having for a long time now. All because for some reason, after almost 2 and a half years, suddenly its not possible for us to do our jobs from anywhere else but a shared office space. 

So confused right now, as the group has worked better in that time than ever before. Sickness is almost non existent, and productivity and flexibility is much higher than it has ever been. Yet somehow this is NOT good enough. 

I have a meeting in a few hours time, where I will get to raise my concerns about this decision. So to try and keep my brain under control til then, as well as writing this entry, I have written a huge list of issues I have with the decisions, and questions I would like answering before agreeing to anything. 

Ultimately it is the companys decision, and if I want to remain working there, unless a compromise can be found, I don't really have a choice. But that's the problem, I kinda do have one choice, and that is to resign. 

The question that poses though is, if I resign because my employer has been unable to negotiate and compromise with me, to a point where I can still work without it causing me excessive stress and anxiety, and triggering an MH episode, then is that "legal"? Given the past 30 months have demonstrated that I can do my job effectively from a separate office environment, and that nothing has significantly changed to require anything different from me, I struggle to see the "fairness" in this. 

I know some reading will say I'm being precious, that I managed before, Covid, and am just being unreasonable. But then I would argue that you have never made a change for the better in your life, and subsequently realised how bad things were before you changed them. Just because you can and have done something one way for a long time, doesn't make it the right way, the best way etc. It just means that you have not explored other ways. 

So now I get ready for the meeting, try and get my point across, and then start the ball rolling for other options. As much as I know the rest of my team would also remain working from home, this meeting and subsequent moves are very personal, and I shall be making MY case, and no one else's. 

Watch this space, and keep your fingers crossed for me eh. 

I have noticed over the past couple of weeks I have been a bit less enthusiastic about things, exercise and healthy eating in particular. Other things still spike my interest from time to time, but it's dwindling by the day. Having taken a week or so off from exercise etc following my trip to Wales recently, I thought it might be a little slump due to inactivity, and I would swing back into it in no time. However a couple of weeks later, and nope, it's just getting worse. 

Over the past week I have done a half hearted run, body in it, mind disinterested. I did a nice bike ride through town the other day, I enjoyed that a lot, fresh air, open spaces, and things to keep my mind busy. Then the past 2 days I have done a ramp test (ftp power test on the indoor bike trainer) and an indoor effort on AdZ (virtual version of the Alpe du Huez). Both times I pushed hard, but at a certain point my brain just said "that's enough" and turned off the power supply to my legs.

It is almost as if my brain is allowing me to do these things, just til it gets the distraction and satisfaction it needs from the excessive physical exertion, then just says, "ok, that's me done", and suddenly my body says WTF are you doing to me, and cuts me off. 

Now I can say the above with quite good confidence, as I know I have been here before. Running and cycling myself into the ground, to mask what is really going on, and distract myself from it all. It is my coping mechanism for when things are not going right in my head. So I guess it is time to check in with my brain and see what is going on to cause this behaviour.

Also, another reason to jump on sorting it out ASAP is the other side effect. Eating comfort food! Horrible habit, one likely to undo all the good work I have done over the past year, so something I am keen to get control of quickly. Some of the food it to replenish the shed loads of energy I have expelled while flogging myself for my brains entertainment. The rest is just excess, and needs to be sorted out. *he said eating a chocolate pastry twist while writing this.

So, what is wrong? Well, to be honest, I think the whole Work From Home thing is really getting to me right now. Before there is any confusion, by that I mean, the uncertainty of knowing if we will be allowed to continue working from home. I love my own space, the peace and quiet to work in, my own environment, my own equipment choices to work with. In fact there is nothing I dislike about working from home at all! So the thought that it might all end soon is bringing my world crashing down right now. We are due to hear by the start of Sept what is happening next, but there are no clues whatsoever what that plan may be.

I know certain work groups are being called back in to the offices, I know the word "flexible" is being banded around a lot, but I have no idea what that all means for me and my group. I was hoping we were going to hear something this week, but alas, at the time of writing this on Thurs 26th Aug 2021, there is no word.

I have run through the possibilities in my head a thousand times, and continue to do so. True to the definition of madness, doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result. It feels like I am going insane, but the truth is, I am just exhausting my mind with pointless thoughts. It is what it is, and ultimately, I can't really control what the next step is. All I can do is influence any flexibility I may be given, by staying positive, and being a team player. Showing I can do what I do, from where I am now, with no issues. Not that it really needs proving, given its been about 18 months now. 

Previously I have said that whatever the decision, whatever the company decides, I will just knuckle down and get on with it. But if the truth be told, I am not sure I can! The way my mind is right now, I am on the edge, and ready to really start to fall apart. I am far from sitting in the corner of a dark room, rocking back and forth. However my brain is going flat out, 110% and starting to wobble a bit now. My fear here is things getting too out of control, and ending up in the hell hole I have been in before, taking a long time to get my head straight again. To be perfectly frank, if I am told that we are going back to the office in anything like a full time capacity, I am not sure I can now!

I know that sounds a bit arrogant, and might even make me sound like I am trying to control things, but it's just how I feel. If I ask myself honestly if I could work 5 days a week in my old office environment, and function at the level I do currently, my honest answer right now would be no. Not a chance! It feels empowering just saying this out loud, so I am glad I am writing this to share. The only problem is, what difference does it make? Honestly, probably none at all. 

I am not trying to set ultimatums, nor trying to be in full control of what comes next. Instead I am simply recognising my limitations, and setting out a line in the sand for myself, to protect my own sanity and mental health. Simple fact here, I don't like working in my old office environment. I could not put my finger on one single thing that is the problem. The commute is fine, it's not far and I enjoy cycling in. The idea of having to travel, whilst a bit of a bummer is the harsh reality of life. Being away from home, and losing the convenience of being home for contractors or deliveries is a sucker punch, but such is life.

The main thing it comes down to is the office environment. People, personalities, noise, hygiene (that's a huge one !!), and the ability to create an environment that I thrive in. So, pretty much everything that comes from being in a shared office! Not a good start I know. Of course, there are variables to consider, such as capacity.

Depending on the plan of return (if at all) there has been some talk of reduced capacity, and only spending X% of the week in the office. This sadly requires an investment in equipment, which makes it a little less likely in my opinion. However I would add that I would happily put large chunks of my own money in to procure said equipment, if a split office/WFH was decided on. Just thought I would get that in there. I have done so already to make WFH more comfortable, so why stop now. Although I would rather spend the money on making my home office even more comfortable to be honest.

But for now, I wait. We wait! We are all in the same boat, all hoping for what works best for us. And my brain continues to burn itself out, filling itself with negative thoughts, worries of being told to go back to the office, and panicking over what I would do if that happens. Could I cope, would I be better finding another job? Could I ask that I work in my own environment in the office? Is my mental health relevant enough to allow me to have an open discussion about remaining at home? Of course there would be compromises, which I would expect, but is it even valid and relevant? Is it going to be one rule for all. Will other peoples actions affect what happens to me next.... Jeeez I need a lay down here!

So, as you can see, my brain is not having a good time recently. These thoughts are just a 30 second snap shot of what is happening in my head over and over for every waking moment. Of which there seem to be more and more each day, as my ability to sleep dwindles away. Urrgh, mentally exhausted. But unlike when I am punishing myself physically, my brain doesn't cut itself off. Instead it just keeps going until its not functioning properly. Trouble finding the right words in a conversation, struggling to maintain focus on things, drifting away into my own little world mid conversation. Forgetting what I am doing, so many signs that all is not well. But what do I do?

That is my quandary right now, what do I do? 

I guess this is my plan of action for now...

  • Wait and see what happens next, at least until the road ahead is a known thing.
  • Keep a limit on the amount of physical exertion, it's not fixing anything.
  • Watch what I am eating.
  • Get into a healthier routine of sleep and rest
  • Speak to the doctor if things persist
  • Consider my own road ahead, once the company announce theirs. 

The main thing here is recognition of what is happening in my head, and this is it. I know I am struggling a bit right now, and have to be mindful of how I proceed. Not wind myself up with unknowns and things I can't control, but instead focus on what I can control. Consider and plan conversations I can have with people who can play a part in alleviating my struggles. I know what I want to say, just not how to say it. Something along the lines of quite simply "if we are going back to the office, I don't know if I can stay in this role". Sounds SO dramatic when I put it like that, and see it in writing, but the truth is, it's how I feel right now. As I say, what difference that makes, I don't know, but I have to say it, and put it out there for my own sanity. No point bottling it up, or pretending that isn't how I feel.

Oh well, I think I will leave it there for now. Step 1 done, recognising and taking action. Now to see how well I can keep a leash on myself, and resist the calling for more self destruction. 

Thanks for reading 🙂 

PS, I just realised I managed the whole blog entry without saying "anxiety" once. All whilst being full of it!

 

This is a bit of a strange one, but then I guess that is the running theme of a lot of my blogs, so no surprises there. 

I have recently had a couple of weeks off work, some time for myself, a break from the screen, and changing up the norm a bit for me. While I have been off, I have had somewhat of an epiphany. I am starting to reconnect with my emotions, or at least some of them. For the past heavens knows how long, I have been what I can only describe as emotionally deficient. Many things which stir an emotional reaction in most, seem to have very little effect on me.

That is not to say I am without emotion. Just a bit strange about them. The passing of a loved one for example, doesn't really get much of an emotional reaction from me. Not trying to "be the man", or somehow act brave, it just doesn't do much as far as reactions go. Sure I am sad, but tearful or visibly moved, no. 

The last time I can recall shedding a tear in the true sense of the word is probably almost 20 years ago now, and that was over a girl... I know right, sad!! lol. Just kidding, it was an emotional time, but probably my last. Floods of tears on the phone to a friend, and it felt GREAT! But after that, for some completely unknown reason, nothing!

Since then, my nan, mum, aunt, and some great friends have passed, and my reaction has been nothing but a little sadness. And yes, I have been to counselling to address this, as well as other issues in my life, but nothing has changed. We are all wired differently, and I am not saying that not being fully in touch with your emotions is a bad thing. Some could say that some people are a little too in touch, and would benefit from dialing it down a bit. 

My point here is, I know me, I know how I usually behave, or have at least behaved in the past. I was never a big cryer, but when the right time came, I was able to, and completely unafraid of crying. However for some reason it just stopped. 

Over the past six months to a year, I have found myself a little more easily choked up about things. Not necessarily about anything personal to me. Even something moving (reality) on TV, or taking about something that I am passionate about, can get me choked up now. Not exactly holding back tears, but not far from it. During the time I have had away from work, I have had more time to spend with myself, and become more aware of just how much this is happening now. There is nothing specific which triggers me, I can openly talk about losing loved ones, memories of being with them, and other personal life events. However, when something unrelated to me happens, I find myself more affected.  For reference the last time I can recall being emotional about something personal, would have been on the phone to the ambulance service for mum or something.

I have been somewhat aware of this for some time now, but having the time off to think about it more, I can't help but feel that there is a direct correlation with working from home. Without the stresses of being in the office environment, without the daily anxiety of what the coming day is going to be like, or trying to download and decompress after a long day around other people, my mind seems to have the energy to do its own thing, and be a little more normal again. Even dreams feel different. More memorable, more normal, apart from the odd bad one after over-thinking the return to the office.

It is all a bit strange, a little overwhelming, but also an absolute blessing to feel like I have a little humanity back, for the time being at least.  Some could argue it is a bad thing, my brain NOT coping with the isolation of working from home, and just getting more and more emotional about anything it can. I would have to disagree with that take on things, and say it feels like being normal me again, after a long long time, rather than something out of the ordinary, and unnatural. 

Time will tell I guess though. As the clock is now ticking down on the last known checkpoint for WFH. The start of September is the end of the extension we were given for working from home. By that time, we will have been told what is coming next, if we will remain at home in any capacity, or if we will indeed return to the normal office environment.  To say the idea of that fills me with dread and anxiety is a complete understatement right now.  At no point during Covid has it felt more likely that it is the end of the road for WFH for us. The lack of information plants dread in my mind, and the minds of others I have spoken to. 

Quite what that means for me I don't know. If the simple lack of knowing and fear we are going back has me feeling like this, heavens only knows how any confirmation of this is going to feel. I of course remain as optimistic as possible, and will try and do all I can to make the case for remaining at home. There are so many plus points really, beneficial to work. But I understand that this is not simply about me, but a whole work force, and I cannot expect to be treated differently, no matter how much I would like to be. I am probably a little more flexible and willing (desperate) than the rest, as to the lengths I would go to to protect my WFH. Buy equipment, be open to a discussion on wages, take on more responsibility to name but a few. But that is all irrelevant, as I say, we are a group not individuals. 

So, here's to enjoying my emotions while I can, and making the most of them. It's good to feel human again, even if it is short lived. 

 

 

 

 

1

Over the past 16 or so months, the language many of us use when talking about work has changed drastically. Work From Home (WFH), VPN, 2 stage authentication, Teams meeting, remote working, just to name a few. Rapidly rolling out a WFH model to a large workforce, with varying levels of I.T literacy has been a challenge. Learning to use online meeting software, sharing documents on systems such as Sharepoint, rather than printing and distributing them around the office, and so much more.

The sheer duration that WFH has continued for for many, is enough to get conversations started about what the real road ahead looks like. For the record, this piece is written from my own personal perspectives and experiences in switching to working from home. I currently work for a company in the UK, and have done so for almost 21 years now. Being in this role for most of that time. My role is an office based dispatcher, dealing with couriers and customers from up and down the country. So here goes with my take on the road ahead, in my role, with the company. 

My role is one that is by nature, remote. Not dealing with people face to face, but instead over the phone or I.T based communications. Using a lot of online resources to accomplish the task at hand. So moving to a WFH model on the grand scheme of things is not really any kind of spanner in the works. While inter-team interactions can sometimes be a tiny bit easier than messaging or phoning, the whole team are all very experienced in their jobs, so not much interaction is actually needed on a day to day basis. When working in the office, it was not very common for us to have team meetings, or discuss issues that had arisen. Peculiarly, since starting to WFH, as more of a welfare concern than anything else, we have had monthly online Teams meetings almost every month. So in that regard, communication has actually improved if anything. 

With two members of staff already working from alternative locations to the rest of the team, which are closer to their homes, WFH has simply extended that courtesy to the rest of the team. Prior to the pandemic, questions had occasionally been asked about working from home, but generally dismissed as not feasible or practical for the nature of the role. The issue of two team members being absent from the group never really came into it. However, at the start of the pandemic, when it became clear that things were getting very serious, the decision was made to try with a WFH model.

I have to say at this point, from line manager up, the support and enthusiasm for maintaining WFH has been incredible. A massive thank you to all those who have helped get everyone set up safely at home, worked on any issues, and overcome all the hurdles to keep as many people as possible safe at home, and for keeping everyone informed as much as possible on what is happening.

Which brings me neatly to where we are today. In March, as the roadmap out of lockdown from the UK government started to take effect, we were told that there were no plans to return to the office in any capacity until July. This was basically when stage 4 of the roadmap would lift all remaining measures, and life would "return to normal". For some this was a great relief to know that they would soon be back in the comfort and safety of their team office working environments, for others there was a slightly less enthusiastic response. I fit into the latter group, but I will come back around to that in a bit.

As we all know now, the final checkpoint came, and sadly stage 4 was delayed a month, so the lifting of the measures will not happen til mid/late July now. A few days after this was announced, we the employees were informed that the WFH model would now continue until September 2021. While it is great to see this happen, and to know that our safety and wellbeing is considered at every step of the way, it leaves a lot of people in a feeling of limbo. Regardless of where people would prefer to be working from, the delay of the next step perpetuates the uncertainty of what is actually going to happen next. Don't think for one second I am in any way ungrateful or disheartened by this continuation, I appreciate where it is coming from. However, it does extend my feeling of dread about what comes next.

So what does come next? To say WFH is not viable would be impossible at this stage, at least from a productivity and attendance point of view. Within my work group we have had I think 3 occurrences of sickness in the past 16 months, which is previously unheard of. Team members managing to work through everything from ailments to home appointments, which office based working would have made impossible. A few large companies have already shown their hands, with polar opposite opinions in some cases. With some companies insisting that WFH is not sustainable (for their business model), while others say they will be encouraging as many staff members as possible to continue to WFH in the long term. 

Each company of course is very different. Depending on the nature of the business, how staff members need to interact, feasibility of having all equipment and materials available to them at home to carry out their role efficiently, and so on. Not to mention the cost of maintaining corporate infrastructure such as leases on office buildings and work spaces etc. Quite where my company stands in all this is a bit of an unknown at this point. However there are whispers of cost savings being found, a positive change in working practices, and productivity, and other such things which support a WFH model for certain areas of the company. 

Speaking to friends who work for other companies, it is clear that there are a number of different approaches to the road ahead. Seeing their plans, it is clear just how complex getting people back into the office is. From having an online booking system for employees to reserve desks for days they wish to work from the office, to sanitisation schedules around the offices to make sure everything is clean and wiped down regularly. Other friends have been told there is no long term plan to return to the office, and that the majority of work can be done from home, where the role suits WFH, and the employee is happy to remain there.

Before I go on, let me show my hand, and give some insight into what WFH has been like for me. First up, it has been no walk in the park. Shortly before lockdown I was on holiday in Svalbard with my other half. Unfortunately, a couple of days in she had what can only be called a catastrophic accident on a snowmobile. Smashing her kneecap, detaching the patella tendon, and needing airlifting from the remote arctic circle, back to town. We then spent a day getting back to the UK, where she went straight into hospital for surgery.  She was eventually let home just as lockdown started, so as I began the task of setting up a home office, and getting back to working, I was also needed to care for her for the next 8 weeks while she was stuck in bed, unable to get out. You could say the timing for WFH was perfect in that respect, but a stressful start none the less. 

As someone who struggles with anxiety and depression, and is socially awkward at the best of times, being out of the office has felt like quite a relief to me. Although it has been some time since I had a serious bout of depression, I realise now that I was not as comfortable and OK as I thought I was. We learn to adapt to our surroundings, so for a while now I have felt like I was in a good place mentally, and nicely balanced. However, the first few months of lockdown showed me just how wrong I was. Feeling fresher and clearer minded daily, not struggling with over thinking things, and just having more get up and go in general were the first things I started to notice.

From that point on I have found myself having a much more structured day, take better care of myself mentally and physically, and feel like a far more positive individual. With the time I would usually have spent commuting, I have been able to get in more exercise, get back into running, and shift over three stone in weight. Just having the freedom to have more of a routine has had a huge impact on my day to day life. Of course, this is all well and good for me. As an introvert by nature, and choosing to avoid social contact, very little is lost by not being in an office environment. 

As far as my actual working day goes, I have found myself more engaged in the day to day workings of the department, become involved in groups outside my immediate work group, taken on projects to try and improve the department, and cannot honestly think of a negative effect with regards to work that WFH has had on me personally.  I would even go so far as to say, having access to work information out of working hours has had a positive effect. Most notably when issues have arisen, and I have been able to get stuck into the problem within minutes, rather than throwing my whole morning out and rushing to the office. This is not to say that I feel anyone should be on call 24/7, or not be able to switch off from work when required. For some, that is a genuine struggle, however for me, it has worked out well. Hitting the ground running on a day to day basis has been a positive for me.

Another positive to have come from this, for me in particular, is the ability to be home for appointments, work being carried out on the house, without interrupting my ability to work. Previously, if an electrician or plumber was due for example, I would need to take a half day, or even in some cases the whole day off. With WFH, I have been able to continue working, while having the garden landscaped, bathroom fitted and an EV point fitted. All things which would otherwise have required me to take time out of the business, and use up valuable annual leave. It is hard not to see that as a positive for myself and for work. 

There are of course many more people, all in their own unique situations, who this has affected in a whole different way, so I want to try and be as balanced as possible here, and include some feedback from others in the company who have experienced things differently to me. Below are some quotes from people who have been kind enough to share their experiences, and their hopes and visions for the road ahead for us all. I have broken them up a little to keep everything on topic, then added my own comments below. These comments are not meant in any way to discredit peoples thoughts, but merely to share my feelings on what they have endured throughout this pandemic. 

So let's get started with some of the feedback from others. I would just like to say a huge thank you to everyone who has been kind enough and open enough to share their thoughts so candidly. I know it has been a tough road for some. First off, the general impact WFH has had on peoples work / life balance.

I feel that work from home has enabled better work/life balance in a lot of ways. I had to travel an hour commute to the office which meant 2 hours on top of my day each day. By time I got home, exercised and then made tea it was time to go to bed, this meant come the weekend all of the housework had to be done and wasted a good chunk of my personal time. However now I find that I can do small household jobs before work in the time that I would have been commuting and get them all out of the way and can actually enjoy my evenings and weekends.

My experience working from home is mixed. I've been working from home since the 1st lockdown & my daughter was home schooling at the time.

I enjoyed it at 1st because of the flexibility I had, but I hated not being around other people and the office' banter'.

I no longer feel like a failing ‘full time working mum’ as I can now manage my diary better, to allow me to hear how my childrens school day has been and support them, attend a 20 minute Ukelele performance etc, which previously would have been a struggle! The balance is amazing and I feel much happier for it!!

I can start/ finish at the times to suit me – sometimes I am online at 6am as I feel my most productive, and then can squeeze a run in at lunchtime, again increasing my productivity.

The positives have been the flexibility, which allows less stress situations has given people time to do the extra things easily like appointments and shopping.  Families are now able to spend more time together and in some cases improve the social relations.  I’ve seen the freedom benefit those who can now go to the gym and create a routine so they don’t need to clock in at a set time or the time it has save from driving in gives them extra sleep needed.

I am very much a ‘people person’ so I did really struggle to adapting to working from home, I missed the interaction with real people!! This coupled with initial system issues did stress me out a bit!

Moving forward I feel I have adapted to working from home, I do still really look forward to ‘teams meetings’ when people have their cameras on! ( I like to see people’s faces! ?)

For me working from home has been a positive change, as I am a single mom to a young child it has allowed me to be around a lot more and taken the stress/rushing about away from each day. It’s meant I can do some school drop offs and pickups and for us to be able to have breakfast and dinner together. Taking the commute out of my day has also freed up around 2 hours of my day giving me time to be able to attend the gym. do a business related degree, help with homework and have quality time as a family in the evenings

I love that I can be more available for customers wanting an earlier than usual or later than usual call, without having to panic about leaving early for traffic, or worrying about smart clothes, hair & make up in some cases!!

In my role I spend a lot of the time in calls, and working from home suits that so well. Working in a busy office environment can make it difficult to hear and be heard on calls with all the background noise.

Some days I need to take extra breaks for a life-long illness, in the office this used to make me feel super self-conscious at the time and then also later when everyone had gone home and I was still working to make up my time; now I have that flexibility without wondering what people are thinking or having to explain being in the office late or away from my desk for more than a couple of minutes.

  • Not having to sit in traffic during a commute
  • Being able to see more of my family
  • Being home to accept parcel deliveries
  • Less likely to pick up winter bugs from work colleagues
  • Less driving = better for the environment

Reading some of the quotes above, the differences between individual cases are very clear to see. Just the impact on the basics of a working / living day, is huge. Childcare, social engagements, not to mention the changes the elimination of commuting has had. People finding more time for their families, exercise, hobbies and much more. All the things that can have truly profound effects on our lives away from work. However, it is fair to say that it is not all good and positive. With some having a tough time being away from people for prolonged periods of time, and missing out on the engagement they would usually have with other team members.

For those more socially active, the impact is clear, and in some cases quite devastating for their quality of life. So in that regard it is nice to see how things are starting to change in society with the reintroduction of social events, and being able to spend more time around friends and loved ones. Of course, right now the road ahead is not clear for everyone, and certainly not in the company I work for. So we are all left clinging to our own hopes of what lays on the road ahead. As was pointed out by one person though, the fact we can now see friends again, means the extra time in our days with no commuting, at least for now, means we can spend more quality time with people of our choosing, and shake off those social cobwebs.

Then of course there is the impact it has had on how we all do our jobs. As I have said earlier, not all roles are ideal for working from home. Going back to some of the larger companies who have set out their plans, any roles involving development of projects which require collaboration, are far tougher to achieve remotely. This can be anything from design to marketing, with a million roles in between. For those accustomed to working in teams, discussing, debating, and demonstrating ideas, online life is far tougher. For others who engage with team members and clients remotely as part of their day to day roles, location of where you carry that role out from is less important, from a productivity perspective at least. 

Setting up a workspace at home has not been easy for all. With challenges such as a suitable space, or connectivity being the most common issues faced. Not everyone simply has a spare room available for setting up a desk in, so some have been forced into very temporary and makeshift arrangements. This is also a huge consideration for some when it comes to the longevity of the WFH arrangements. Let's now have a look at some more of the feedback, and see how others have felt with their experiences. 

I found the technical aspect quite challenging in the beginning - problems with wifi/vpn and meetings/calls I found weren't as professional as I wanted them to be. 

I miss a coffee with my team and getting to know people better!

I don’t think we communicate well enough to all our people – I certainly feel more out of the loop where as in the office, I would have heard more and have a better awareness of the business changes

Growing my network is more difficult – just reaching out for a coffee was harder and forgotten in the early days – but better now I have bought back my focus and made it a priority!

Personally I miss the social interaction and the positives from having face to face conversations. I have concerns that many people may feel isolated and are not being checked on to see how they are and if they feel supported.

I do feel it’s hard to separate work from home and find that I often stay longer than my shift or ‘check’ things on a weekend.

It can be very quiet and a bit lonely at times as I miss my work colleagues and some days it’s difficult when you feel like you’ve been in the same place 24/7 

The biggest downside is that I often lose track of time, I start earlier than I would in the office and then finish late too, thinking “just one more email” and then an hour or two have passed before I know it.

I also found that as time went on working from home was getting boring and I didn't feel as motivated, because I couldn't switch off at the end of the day, and there was no separation from home & work.

 

  • It can be hard to separate work and home life
  • The idea that other people might have that the perception that you do less work/or don’t work as hard because they can’t see you working
  • Missing out on informal catch-ups
  • Things can take longer, e.g. having to send emails or call when you could just approach someone in the office
  • I find that it’s more difficult to build relationships when working from home

Reading most of the feedback it is clear to see that most see the positives and negatives quite similarly. Appreciating the extra free time allowed by not having a commute, and being straight back in their home life when they finish for the day. While most also feel there is an element of detachment or loneliness working from home. It is fair to say that the negatives are very much on a sliding scale, from only slightly bothered, to actually quite badly affected by the isolation of WFH. The other big and more common negative seems to be the inability to switch off at the end of the day, and feeling compelled to get everything sewn up, rather than just managing what can be completed in a normal working day. 

It is clear to see that there are learning points to be taken from all of this, and regardless of the next step, attention needs to be paid to certain aspects of the business, and how things are done. I think most would agree that there was never really a plan for such a fast and vast rollout of WFH in many or any companies for that matter. So the speed and efficiency it has been done at, in general, has been phenomenal. That said, now the dust is settling, there is room to improve for sure. For the sanity of the workers who have endured so much. If the road ahead involves any aspect of working from home, time needs to be spent on formalising the training on things such as online meetings. Simple etiquette, how to use "hand up" functions, not talking over other people, timekeeping and many other seemingly trivial, yet very frustrating issues which have arisen from everyone being thrown in the deep end. 

Another thing which clearly needs addressing is some form of time management system, to prevent, or at least dissuade people from spending too much time out of their normal working hours, working online. Maybe some form of VPN lock-out, or a report generated highlighting excessive time spent online by particular employees. Just to ensure there is a healthy balance found between keen and enthusiastic working practices, and spending an unhealthy amount of time focusing on work. 

As I have said before, this is in no way an attempt to call anyone out, simply acknowledge that while we have come so far, in such a short space of time, there is always room for growth and improvement. 

Finally we have the takeaways from all of this. In summary, how do people feel about the past 16 months of working from home. Where are peoples heads at, and most importantly, what do people want to see happen next.  From an external perspective, I would say around 75-80% of the people I know, would love to see WFH remain in full or at least in part. With an element of flexibility in there. Of course it is all well and good to simply say "flexibility" but what does that actually mean. On speaking to people, some see it as a planned weekly schedule of working between work and home, while completing hours and tasks as expected regardless of work location. Unfortunately to some, the word flexibility simply means do as you please. Pick and choose on an almost adhoc basis where you are going to work from that day, or even for part of that day. No commitment, no schedule. Sadly it is attitudes like that which will discourage companies from allowing any flexibility at all, and instead resort to an all or nothing approach. With the most likely being returning to an office. 

From speaking to others within the company I work for, the opinions are varied, but in general the approach is a good one. Some want to be back in their work groups, amongst friends, and feeling a sense of belonging and being a part of a team. For others, the lack of commute has had a profound effect on their daily lives, and the idea of switching back to working in an office and commuting back and forth is grim.  Here's what others had to say.

I think in an ideal world there would be more flexibility to split time between home and the office to find balance with our time but still ensure that face to face social interaction that we need.

I'm grateful that I can work from home but given the option I probably would work 50% in the office and home to balance it.

At the end of the day I feel grateful to have a job and I am proud and amazed at the way we have all adapted!! I think we all should be very proud of ourselves

I feel like overall there are more positives than negatives and I feel (and so does my son) that I have a much better work-life balance now than I did last year.

It's been a while now & I'm grateful that I can work from home but given the option I probably would work 50% in the office and home to balance it.

From my perspective I have worked in my role for the last 6 years, and never really had a fixed workstation. I would normally move between home and operational locations based on the projects I was working on. Admittedly I really enjoy working from home.

I will finish up with a summary of my take on things, purely from the position I am in, in my current company and role. Primarily my biggest concern is my mental health. Just the idea of being thrust back into a busy office again, awkward interactions with people, clashes of personalities, and bickering over trivial things, fills me with dread. The past 16 months have shown me my true comfort zone, and what I can achieve in such a position. Not to mention how it makes me feel in general. So much more relaxed, and a better quality of life, both in and out of work.

Of course, I work for a business, not a charity, and I realise they have their own requirements of me. It is a two-way relationship after all. So ultimately I have to be open minded, and at the very best, hope for a fair compromise. The idea of actually being left working from home is probably a bit of a pipe dream. But a boy can dream eh! In an ideal world, I would happily have a few days in the office when required. Of course I am only a short distance from the office, so if the requirement was there to go in at short notice, I would not consider that unreasonable at all. I would hope that most would be of similar opinion, depending of course on any commitments they may have with family and home. 

Thank you for reading this far. I hope this has made some sense at least, and resonates in some way with everyone who reads it. There is no "one size fits all" solution, so whatever the road ahead is, there will be compromise, and a little disappointment. But with that said, I sincerely hope that everyone gets something close to what best suits their needs and desires, and the road ahead is a safe and happy one for all.  Thank you to everyone who took the time to share their thoughts with me, so I could make this as balanced as possible. I hope you are happy with how your words were used.

One final point I wanted to touch on was the environmental impact of WFH. Most major cities around the world during the peak of the lockdown saw massive improvements in air quality, as well as other positive environmental impacts. Something the whole world seems to have been trying to get a grasp of for decades now. I am sure no one could ever have imagined a global pandemic being the thing that finally put the world on pause just long enough to reconsider what a normal day looks like, versus how it could look. WFH to a certain extend has a positive impact on the environment. Removing tens of thousands of daily commutes from the roads and transport systems in all major cities, millions globally. Reduces the energy used to run large corporate buildings, and freeing up space on the roads and transport network for key and priority travel of people and goods.  

We must not forget the corporate image too. With many companies pledging to reduce their carbon footprint, and become greener, there is surely an argument that WFH supports them in doing so. After all, the footprint of each journey to a place of work falls at the feet of the company. With less people travelling to a place of work, that alone must surely have an impact on the perceived cleanliness of a company. 

Of course there is a negative to this, and that is the shift on the city economies, impacting small service industry businesses on a huge scale. Some can adapt, others will suffer long term, which is truly tragic. Meanwhile, small local businesses in towns and villages now full of their local residents working from home, begin to thrive as workers look for their coffee fix, or a quick and easy lunch, much as they would do while normally working in the city. 

There is a balance to be found somewhere with all this, and at some point governments should show their hand and support what they feel is right. Should a shift in inner city businesses be the price to pay for cleaner air, quieter transport networks etc. Or is the idea of letting the cities sit idle while people work from home, just for the sake of reducing emissions, and achieving what global governments have strived to achieve for decades, simply unrealistic? Just a thought!

 

 

In a recent press conference, the PM announced that all seems well, and that the final remaining Covid based restrictions will lift as expect on July 19th. This of course means that all companies who have maintained a WFH policy throughout the pandemic, will now have to address the situation moving forward, and decide what model best suits the business. It would be wrong to suggest that there is a one size fits all option, either from a company point of view, or an employee standpoint. So many variables have to be considered, and the nature of the business will ultimately dictate what model best suits.

For argument sake, let's base it on what I have personally experienced. WFH was introduced at the start of the pandemic in March 2020, and for large swathes of the office based staff, has remained in place throughout. The rollout was very swift, a little rough around the edges, and certainly was not perfect. But as a whole, the main plan of getting as many staff as possible, working from home as quickly as possible, was a great success. 

Of course a success in getting everyone home is one thing, but how it affected people, how able they were to work from home comfortably for a long period of time, and how it impacted their lives is something totally different. I recently spoke to a number of colleagues from different areas of the company and country, to get their perspectives on it all. To try and understand just how challenging it has been for some, and not forgetting how wonderful it has been for others. From the feedback I received, I think it is fair to say that everyone appreciated what the company had done, and how quickly it had all happened. However the impact on peoples lives really varied a lot. Which leaves a bit of a mixed opinion on what should happen next.

I would say 95% are happy with some element of WFH remaining. Some suggesting a 50-50% split between office and home. Others far keener to have it swing totally one way or the other. During the conversations with others, I have really had my eyes opened to just how much WFH has impacted peoples lives. With some who just don't have the space to sustain a WFH model long term, to those who have dearly missed the personal interactions with their workgroups. We have all grown used to doing things via a screen now, meetings, presentations etc. But it really isn't the same as being there in person. Again, for some that is a good thing, for others the complete opposite. 

The biggest concern raised has been that of mental health. With some struggling personally, and others, even those enjoying working from home, concerned about the welfare of some of their colleagues. I think it is great that so many are showing such consideration, regardless of their own preferences. The two largest contributors towards any MH issues are those of personal interactions, and the sheer isolation of working and living in the same space. We do not all have the space in the home to have a totally separate area to work from, so the lines become blurred between work and home life. Feeling like you have been at work all day, or unable to switch off at the end of a day, especially when dealing with a heavy and constant workload. One thing I heard a lot was that people found themselves working later and later, with the "just one more"  mindset. 

Obviously this isn't great for wellbeing, so ways need to be found moving ahead, to ensure that there is a bold and clear line, when the work day ends, down tools, and be done with it. Rather than allowing the temptation to keep going to be there. That is of course if there is to be a WFH option moving forwards. 

For a large percentage of those I spoke to, there is great enthusiasm for WFH to stay. Many are hoping to hear something soon that confirms this. Varying from full time to shared time between locations, so many compelling arguments were made for it to stay. Some of the stories I heard really brought home how much of a difference it has made for people. Being at home for their kids when they need them the most, having more time to get things done around the house, rather than spending 10 hours a week commuting. Using the saved time for a further education, and one of the most touching, feeling the bond with their kids benefit from being around more, and spending more quality time together.

Another interesting point which was made with regards to personal interactions was that of having a choice. Many enjoy the relationships they have at work, have made great friends, and love spending their time around those people. For some this can be some of the only quality person to person interactions that they may get in day to day life, so it is important to recognise the role this plays in our lives. In some cases, work is actually a sanctuary, and somewhere they feel safe and cared for, so again, it is important to recognise and protect this. However there is always another side. There are some who almost fear being around others, serious social anxiety issues. For those, sharing an office space with people they are not particularly close with can be exhausting, and quite stressful. So the WFH model has worked well for them. I am one of those people, someone who has truly enjoyed and thrived during WFH. So I hope dearly it remains, for me 99.9% of the time would be great. 

I have digressed, the point I was getting to was, with the lack of commute, this gives some people an extra 2-4 hours a day, or 10-20 a week. Time which can be spent around loved ones, or other close friends of our choosing, rather than those in the work environment. In fact, so much can be done with those extra hours a day, as I have said above. 

As far as home life goes, most have seen a great improvement in one way or another. With some of those also reporting some negative effects, such as inability to switch off being the most common. So I would say it is fair to say the majority would like to see WFH remain in some form. I don't think anyone I spoke with, from either side of the fence felt that theirs was the only opinion and situation that mattered, and most were sympathetic to others around them with different experiences and views. It is always refreshing to see so many people all being so considerate. Maybe the isolation has taught us all to be kinder people. Who knows. 

Of course, we all have opinions, but the ones that matter are those of the people in the position of power and responsibility. Those who have the difficult job of deciding what is best primarily for each company, and then taking into consideration the impact it has had on the employees. 16 months is a long time, and is long enough for many to get so used to something, that the idea of changing back can actually be quite traumatic. I have spoken to people who have seen such great benefits to their work/life balance, that the thought of going back to commuting and working in an office is borderline unbearable. I genuinely do not envy them with the task they have.

All I would ask for is the chance to share my thoughts on it with someone, for some consideration to be given to mental health, wellness, and the new work / home life balance so many have found. I cannot imagine what it is like for a child who has become accustomed to their mum or dad being able to pick them up after school, rather than having to go to an after school club, to suddenly be told that it's going back to how it once was. For me personally, I dread the thought of losing that hour at the start and finish of each day. The hours I use to do housework, work in the garden, go running, and spend quality time looking after my own mental health. On the flip side, I can't imagine being someone who has worked from their kitchen table for the past 16 months, to be told that my role is now permanent WFH.

Having spoken to so many, even I as someone who champions WFH, had no idea the magnitude of the impact being at home has had for some. Both positive and negative. So I truly hope that companies make some effort to engage with their employees, so they too can appreciate how so many peoples lives have changed, and in so many different ways.

I would love to think that everyone can be a winner in the plans for the road ahead. However being realistic, it is clear that we can't. Compromise is called for, and there will be winners and losers without a doubt. In a perfect world, those wanting to stay working from home would be able to, of course with occasional team get togethers at the office, to keep everyone in touch and on the same page. Those wanting to be back in the office would also be provisioned for, with dedicated working spaces for those wishing to be in the office full time. While hot desks could be made available for people to book to use when working from the office for the day or the week. Writing it, it all sounds so easy, but I of course realise there is nothing easy or simple about it, especially on a large corporate scale. Idle or under occupied office space is a waste, and one that is hard to justify.

One other thing that seems to get missed out of the discussions is how people are going to feel being back in the workplace. Some will be fine and happy to be back around people. Others will be more reserved, and cautious about interactions. While some will be quite simply terrified. Either due to underlying health conditions, or just now so unaccustomed and uncomfortable being around others in close proximity. In answer to this under discussed concern, one great suggestion was brought up on a team call the other day. Wrist bands! Red, amber and green, to display your comfort level around others. Simple and effective, and something everyone can understand. That of course is all well and good, but some working environments simply don't allow much in the way of personal space. And then there are the stupid/selfish ones who simply ignore other peoples wishes. 

So my message is a simple one. A lot of people have lots of experiences to share. Stories of both struggle and thriving throughout the pandemic. People have made huge sacrifices during the past 16 months, changing how they work and live under one roof. Please consider some of those experiences, see how people can be best served as they serve you. This is not a simple "I want, I get" situation, far from it, but the road ahead is a long one, possibly a little uncertain too. Winter is around the corner, and people having their lives turned upside down for what could be the interim, may be less likely to be so flexible and accommodating in the future. I do realise how bold and hypocritical that sounds of course. As the companies have done great things to keep people safe, employed and paid throughout. But lets plan for the best future for everyone, in the long term.

Environmental awareness is now greater than ever. So where possible, let's embrace that. Think cleaner, be greener, and make the future a happy and safe one for all. 

 

Hurrah for summer, it has finally arrived, after a long wait. Unlike last year, when summer sprung itself upon us early in the year. The wait this year has been torture. But now it is here, it brings with it a few things.

The temperature went from 6c daily average to mid 20's in what seemed like a day. Hot, sweaty, and irritable, summer me is here too! Unfortunately, the weather and date also brings with is uncertainty, anxiety and stress. More people back out and about, restless nights, and decision time.  Like my head needs much more to get in a knot about right now. Morning runs are hectic, with lots of people out and about, so today I decided on a much earlier run. Quieter roads, but less sleep. Moan, moan, moan, I know!

But front and centre of all of this is June21st. The date the UK Government has set for step 4 of the roadmap out of lockdown. In turn, it is the final stage of the process before finding out what the masterplan is regarding Work From Home. Up until now, with things moving so slowly, it has been pretty bearable. However with the final step just weeks away, the dread and fear that work might say "back to the office" completely consumes my every waking moment. Or at least that is how it feels. 

There has been a lot of positive talk about a new approach to how our roles are carried out. If we need to be at a certain location to carry out our jobs effectively. If the new work/life balance that so many, including myself, have found, plays a part in the road ahead. Talk of flexible working, spending time between home and office, sounds delightful for the main part, and 18 months ago I would have ripped the hand off that offered that to me. However, now, well now is different. 

After 15-16 months or so of working from home, so many answers are clear. Can we operate effectively, yup, through a pandemic, through peak  service, and through so many other challenges. Working from home has not caused a single stumble. In fact, when the brown stuff has hit the fan, being close to my work PC, has actually benefited the company. With almost instant access to systems, to get stuck straight in. Communication between the workgroup has improved, with time now allocated on team catch ups, where as before things were less structured. And so many other positives to be found. 

I realise that is all well and good, however work are paying the wages, so get to make the decisions to best suit the business, I can't argue with that for a moment. Seeing how chalk and cheese the plans of many large companies are make me feel it could swing one of two ways, or of course just hang dead centre, and there be no change required. I say no change required, as I appreciate there are two sides to every story, and we all have our own stories of the pandemic to tell.  Some have dearly missed the contact and face to face communication of their workgroups. Feeling isolated and trapped at home, with no outlet for their thoughts. For others, working from home has posed huge challenges to the requirements of their role, making life so much more difficult. For those groups of people, I hope that the road ahead offers contact and respite from the pressures faced over the pandemic. 

But let's be real for a minute, this is my blog, and about my feelings and thoughts, so back to the nitty gritty. I simply don't want to go back to working in an office. This time of year, and the rise in temperatures just reminds me of the years gone by, squabbles over use of the aircon, too hot, too cold, windows open or closed.... Til the AC system just breaks (multiple times annually) and we are left wishing we had just agreed and left it be. Last summer and this summer so far, I open my window when I want, heating on when I want, AC on.... you get the picture. 

Although we have had lots of work done on the house in the past year, I have not had to take any time off for it, nor deliveries, and rarely for any medical appointments, as its all close to home, and can be worked into the working day. 

Anyway, enough procrastination, I think I have made my point. I am terrified that we will be told to return to the office. I have grown very comfortable with my own space, and environment, and the thought of sharing that with others again is dreadful. I am bad enough being around people I choose to be in the company of, let alone those I am squashed in with in the name of work. 

The next two weeks are going to be horrible. I am already sinking myself into a destructive cycle of running and cycling. Doing my best to enjoy myself, rather than damage myself. Sleep is getting worse, quiet moments of the day starting to be consumed by spiraling negative thoughts. The smallest thing now spins up the whirlpool of the mind, and turns it into something dreadful and scary, without even giving it a chance. 

Hopefully, in a couple of weeks time, we will at least have a solid idea of what happens next. Does the rumoured ultra flexible new system come into play? How much flexibility will there actually be? I guess time will tell now, and in the meantime all I can do is hold tight, and wait and see. 

It is good to know that some around me understand my fears, and that in general, line management are happy with work from home as it is, or at least that is how it seems. Keep your fingers crossed please, and lets hope that as much as possible, the road ahead offers everyone  what they need to keep them sane, and able to do their jobs to the best of their ability.