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Published on Leave a comment on Depression or exhaustion.

This time of year can be a challenge at the best of time for me, with the darker mornings, the lack of sunshine, and the colder weather arriving. It is often this time of year I start to see a decline in my mental health, and depression comes a-knockin'. However with all that said, every year I try and be more and more mindful of how things are going, and try to document the progression of the feeling. With the clocks having just gone back, and being able to feel the difference at the moment, I thought it would be a good time to take a little look at how I am doing. 

Of course, I forgot to mention that we also have a new puppy too, so that adds its own set of unique challenges too. So, join me for a quick look at how things are in my head right now. Where I think they are going, and how I plan to deal with everything on my plate.

But first, a word from my sponsor.. Just kidding!
I just wanted to quickly mention the ASD referral I occasionally talk about. Having spoken to the doctor a couple of weeks ago, and having monitored my Patient Access notes, I see he was correct, and that no referral had been made all those months ago. So he has made the referral himself and I can see from the records that the letter was sent. Now I just have to wait.

So, back to me and my changing state of mind.
The first thing I want to address is the title of the entry. Depression or exhaustion. The only reason this even comes to mind is that I am very aware of how much mental energy a new pup being integrated into an existing doggy household takes. The pack dynamic with the existing two has always been a bit weird, but harmony lives in this house when all is well. And the same can be said for the present, with the introduction of Freyja. She is a bold little thing, much to the annoyance of other female Anya, who has enjoyed being a bully to the boy, Kallik for a long time now. So she is currently being served  a large hot portion of her own medicine. 

So what has that got to do with the title you might ask. Well, the energy it is taking to keep things ticking over is notable. I can feel the impact it is having on my mental energy levels, not to mention impact on sleep etc. Which all comes together to create the drop in energy levels I am feeling. It's not that it is too much, nor that I can't cope. Quite the opposite, it is a welcome disruption to my routine, and one that challenges me to adapt rather than rinse and repeat the daily routine. 

At this point reading back, I can already see the results of mindfulness sessions on the Calm app lol. Seeking positivity in adversity! I joke but the app has been amazing for me. I will come back to that.

So the introduction of the new routine has basically shown me that I can feel exhausted, wiped out, and mentally drained for reasons other than depression. The desire to stay in bed when it is dark and cold outside is normal for this time of year, and that not every change in physical and mental energy levels is a mental health issue. I am sure if I looked back over the years of entries I would see that this time of year I take a dive. I don't even need to look to see that I have historically struggled a bit more this time of year, been back on meds, and off work with depression etc. I know it all to be true. 

The difference here is the level of self awareness. As I have this challenge of a new pup (I keep saying I, I mean us, me and my wife. We are in this puppy adventure together), I am more than aware of what is draining me. Normally I would feel like things were on a decline and I was about to spiral down, down, down. But this time I feel I have control a bit more. I know I am tired, so I am making a conscious effort to give myself more time and space, accept a lower level of energy, and not to convince myself this is an episode, and accept it for what it is. A seasonal change with challenges. 

The reason for the title should be becoming clearer now. This is my realisation that there are more reasons than depression to feel exhausted in every way. Sure the season plays a role, but so do other external factors, and for me it is important to differentiate between the causes. One of the biggest issues I, and I am sure many others face is the feeling of impending doom, and the subsequent self destruction behaviours which ensure we go down that road, and reinforce our beliefs that we are doomed. 

I have said this before I know, but being self aware enough to catch yourself before you throw yourself into the perpetual spiral of doom and depression is really important. Today is one of those days for me. Laying in bed this morning, awake earlier than usual due to the puppy, I was aware of how nice it felt to be curled up under a warm duvet. I could hear the rain outside and knew there was no running, dog walking or cycling happening today, so why bother to get up yet.
Then the reasons hit me, I want some breakfast, I deserve a lazy few days / week and a bit of a rest, and quite frankly that if I stayed in bed much longer I would start to ache. So here I am in a moment of realisation, writing this to make sure I don't forget, and others too can see, it's not always depression.

I can also see where the average person on the street feels like there is something wrong, and ends up with a diagnosis of depression. That diagnosis soon turns into depression and anxiety as they start to question their ability to function, and on it goes. 

OK, so I have established that this is not depression. In general I feel positive, upbeat, and have drive to do things when the opportunity presents itself. Can I go for a long walk or ride right now. Well, no.... There is a new puppy in the house who needs keeping an eye on (not obsessively, just frequently), and the weather is shite, so I will give myself a pass on that one. Could I do something indoors in the gym? Probably yes, but if I am honest, I am just being lazy right now, and rightly so too, so ner! Plus as I write this my nose has just started streaming, so I think this break in exercise and routine is the usual trigger for my body to have a meltdown and fall apart for a bit. But am I depressed, or on the road to it? Nope, I don't believe I am. 

It is worth me taking a moment to mention puppy life. It has been a long time since I had a young pup, and in addition to that it has been equally as long since I introduced a pup into the home with an established dog. Oh how quickly you forget the implications of this. It has only been a few days, and already I am starting to remember how unsettled things can become. But also at the same time I can recall how wonderful things are when harmony arrives. So there is hope and and endgame. 

With all that said and done, Leanne and Natalie you have sooo much respect from me for the journey you have both been on with your litters. Having a whole litter of pups, from their most needy moments, to their most disruptive. On the go 24/7, mixed in with having an existing pack of Malamutes in the house too. Words cannot express how in awe of you I am right now. The fact you are still both functioning, bothering to get dressed in the morning, and even entertaining having people over to make a fuss of the dogs.... WOW !

But, the fact that you are doing all of the above shows you are maybe stronger than you give yourself credit for, and that you have the grit and determination to do what you set your mind to. Regardless of the obstacles that life regularly throws in your way, you are bigger and better than it all. So give yourself a massive pat on the back, and hug from me, because I think you are fuckin' awesome!

Before I go, an honourable mention to Calm, the app. 
I am sure most people have heard of it, many have snubbed it or make light of it, some have possibly looked then seen the price and said no thanks!
Well, there is no price for good mental health, if you ever venture down Struggle Lane, or Anxiety Drive, you will realise that as good as meds and short counselling sessions are, there is only one way not to get lost down one of those roads again, and that is with constant self awareness, and well-being. Mindfulness can play a huge role in this, reminding you to check in with yourself, cut yourself some slack (just as I did above) and take things for what they are, not what you could make it if you worry hard enough.

I started using Calm a couple of months back, while I was in a good, strong place mentally, and found a new routine with it. One session a day minimum, and using it throughout the day if I felt myself getting wound up. Again, self-awareness, and being able to feel when you are slipping a bit plays a part. Mindfulness is almost the polar opposite of depression. A positive spiral. The more you use it, the more aware you become. The more aware you become, the more you use the app as self help to avoid the opposite. 

There are short sessions of daily wisdom, reflection, meditation, even yoga. By short I mean short. Anywhere from a few minutes, to extended meditation sessions. Yes, I said it, meditation. No, not chanting, and sitting in the lotus position while dressed in a sheet, and levitating. Just relaxed sitting or laying, checking in with yourself, and being self-aware. Feeling your breathing and heartbeat, and learning to let things pass on by without conflict. I know it sounds goofy, but trust me, after a week or two of it being part of the routine, it feels good. I often find myself smiling as I listen to a wisdom session. Recognising and realising how relevant it is to me, and how daft some of my actions and reactions can be at times. 

It is amazing the difference three deep breaths can make, and even more amazing what a 10 min session can do for how you feel. Try it, I dare you!

Anyway, enough rambling, I have dogs to see to. I joke, I am so relaxed they are all asleep at my feet right now. 

Thanks for reading, and please take a moment to take care of yourselves. This is a challenging time of year, don't struggle alone, there is always someone ready to listen.

Published on Leave a comment on Vivid dreams and struggling to focus.

The past couple of weeks my sleep has been off the chart, and so have my dreams. Some pretty damn vivid ones, and some rather personal and touching ones. Almost like a blockage has been cleared and my brain is finally starting to process some of the things that weigh heaviest on me. That is what I like to think anyway. If that is actually the case is a whole other matter.

I think it would be fair to say that a lot has happened in my life which has gone completely unresolved, or even processed and accepted. I have always been great at shutting things out of my mind, and pretending they don't matter, or never happened. Not denial as such, I often refer to some of these events and recognise their role in my life, but then I tuck them neatly away again for years more. 

I think it would be good to address some of those issues one day. From childhood friends dying young, to loss of family members. Losing contact with my daughter, and living knowing she is out there and I am missing so much. There is a lot to discuss one day...

But at the same time I don't put my behaviours down to those events. Some of this stuff is just hardwired and not in any way a creation of sadness and trauma in my younger life. 

Earlier this year I spoke with the GP about my ongoing mental health, how it affects my day to day life, and questioned if there might be other factors that would explain things better than simply putting it down to anxiety and depression all the time. Most recently my diagnosis was social anxiety, because it fitted with how I felt about being around others, and being in busy spaces. But to me there was a little more to it than that. The medication I took changed some things for me, but not others. CBT became infuriating as I was being told exercises with the mind would resolve the remaining matters. It did not. 

The route of investigation led me to explore ASD, and a referral was made by the GP in March. A recent conversation with a friend (now Oct) got me wondering why I had not heard anything back. Having put my sister down as a reference, I checked with her to see if she had heard anything. The answer was a resounding no.

This was all last night, and on top of an inactive morning, no notable exercise on the Sunday either, I was already on edge. The events over the next 30 mins or so just snowballed into a "complete clusterfuck" (medical term!). Needless to say I struggled for hours last night, and can feel the after effects today. 
Ironically a great example of how some of my behaviours and mannerisms are simply not explained away with "anxiety" all the time. 

Today, even though I am a little worn out from what felt like a night of terror, with weird dreams which felt very real, broken sleep, and frustration levels off the chart, I decided I would find out what was going on with the referral. I started to write an email, then decided I would call the surgery instead so there were no misunderstandings. With the noted from Patient Access in front of me, so I had the dates and comments, I placed a call to the surgery.

I spoke with reception and explained my situation, and was then put on hold. After a while she came back to me an explained she had spoken to her senior and it appeared that although I had been sent a form to fill out with my details, the issues I had, and who I wanted to use as a reference. And even though I had completed it immediately and sent it back.... It had never been actioned, so no referral was ever started. 
Nice! Frustratingly the doctor I spoke to at the time is no longer at the surgery, so they are unable to simply carry on with the process. 

So, back to square one I went. Speaking to the receptionist, I asked if I would need to do the 8am call to try and get an appointment to speak to another GP start the process over again. Thankfully I was told that I would be added to the list for the afternoon, and would be sent a text questionnaire to complete. Which I promptly received, completed and returned. Now I wait... Again.

This time I have a whole list written down, things to mention, questions to ask. I just have to hope that I actually get a call this time. If not I shall give it til after the morning appointments, and give them a call back and chase it. From here on in, I need to take control of it, and not be passive about it. 

This whole thing is not about medication, recognition, any kind of assistance or benefit, unless of course there is something available that can actually help me control things a bit better. But it is about understanding myself. I think I have been through this a number of times now, but the most important thing to me is understanding, and learning coping strategies. 

While writing this I have had a call back from the surgery, and been given a telephone appointment for next Wednesday. No idea who with, it's all a big mystery. But at least I have the appointment set, and have a list to work from. 

At some point I really do need to sit down, maybe with a counsellor and talk through some of the stuff that weighs heavy on me. Get it off my chest, and into the relevant brain department for processing and storing correctly. Not hiding away on a shelf, and try to forget about it and "move on".

I should also try and not only understand and create ways to cope, but communicate them to others, so the support I receive is appropriate, rather than overwhelming and emotional.

Right, today has been enough of a struggle as it is, so I am gonna wrap up there. Hopefully I will have a better night sleep and have a clearer head for making more sense soon.

Published on Leave a comment on How are YOU today?

Sometimes it seems that I am asked this frequently, but never seem to ask others very much, and it can make me feel a bit crappy at times. 
When I meet with friends for a catch-up, at times I come away wondering if I let them speak at all, and if indeed I did, then did I pay attention. Conversation is a two-way thing, and occasionally I feel like I have not done enough listening, and indeed done all the talking.

When I break it all down, I think.... THINK, it is not as bad as my mind makes it, but from time to time I need to ask and check. My circle of friends is tiny, and people I have regular deep conversations with are few and far between. So being that guy who just sits there talking about themselves, and never listens is not who I want to be. 

Now before you ask, yes YOU! I know we have a running joke about it's all me, me, me.... (or at least I think it's a joke), but that is not what I mean. I like a good ramble and rant as much as the next person, and I know I am pretty good at monologues, and sometimes conversations feel like they have a good balance of talking and listening. Then responding accordingly. I think that is the point where some "me, me" comes into it, and I like to try and use my own experiences as an offering to "compare" to, or at least relate to the subject at hand. 

My problem really starts when I am having one of those days where I just can't focus. Conversation, information etc is like water off a ducks back. No matter how hard I try it just doesn't absorb. I find myself asking people to repeat themselves. Worse still is coming away from a meet-up with someone feeling lighter and like I have offloaded my woes, but with very little idea of what they said during that time. I have been known to message people after meeting with them to apologise if I was a bit rude or vacant. 

I would never knowingly meet up with someone just to have an hour long monologue. OK sometimes I can have a lot to say, but hearing others out is just as important to me. 

Worse still is the inability to absorb information can be quite long term for me. It is frustrating when you are talking to someone and the reference something that was said in a previous conversation with such clarity. While you struggle to recall what was said at the start of this conversation today. I think it is this part of things that made me want to write this blog today.

Now it is not like I cannot absorb information, ever. But thinking back to even times at school, I would just tune out for a bit, and my mind would become noisy with my own thoughts. Internalised conversations going on, all the while growing more and more frustrated at not being able to concentrate. To be clear, as you can probably tell, it is quite a conscious issue. I am usually very much aware that I am not concentrating enough to respond if called upon. It was the same with school, had there been a mid point question, I would have been stuffed.

As I say, looking back, I realise this has been something I have lived with for years. It is probably why I got bored and left school early, and why I have never really pursued any form of further education, regardless of how interested I am in a subject. But it is only of late that I have actually realised JUST how busy and noisy my mind is. I know I have mentioned it numerous times in many blogs now. How the noise in my head disturbs my rest, makes me anxious, and plays tricks with me. However, it was only when I started doing mindfulness relaxations, and meditation that I understood it better. 

Usually I would notice it the most when I was trying to go to sleep, things pop into my head, and internalised conversations would begin for hours on end. From time to time I would be watching something on TV, well, I would be present in the room as the program played at least. But as the phrase goes, "my mind was elsewhere". Sadly, no idea where that was. But since I started using the Calm app, and have been able to be "present and in the moment", I have noticed just how quickly my focus shifts.

Some days it is the perfect example of how the mind drifts, and meditation helps you come back to the moment. Other days, no matter how much I have practised, I have to submit to the fact that my mind wants to do other things right now. Sadly resulting in frustration rather than relaxation. Of course it is then I now switch to breathing exercises, just for a few mins, to hit reset, and calm the mind down again. Something I have become quite good at recently. 

I am hoping that with these practises in my toolbox, I can start to be a little more attentive when in conversation with friends, and be better at dialogue rather than monologue. 

Whatever happens, just know that if I have taken the time to have a conversation with you, it is because I care about you, and am genuinely trying to be there and share a meaningful moment with you. If I glaze over, or didn't hear what you said, it is because my mind ran away for a moment, and not that you are boring me. Rest assured, if you are boring me, I WILL tell you. But then if we are close enough to have these conversations, you already knew that!

Right, enough of this, I am boring myself now, so I shall leave it there. 

Thanks for reading, and I will be back soon with another tedious monologue. 

Published on Leave a comment on Just SO tired!

Mentally and physically!
Not quite sure what has happened, maybe it was the bigger week of riding a week ago taking its toll, maybe it is the relief of the biopsy results finally coming in, or possibly just feeling exhausted from last weeks wobble still. 

At the weekend just gone, I realised that recovering from a wobble seems to take much longer than the initial "feeling a bit better" phase of things. With the thought process, and energy levels just not snapping back as quickly as you might think they would. It is almost like recovering from the flu or something, and while you are not sniffling anymore, things just are not quite right, yet!

The past couple of days it has been really noticeable. Going for a run yesterday morning, my brain said "YEAAAAAHHH", my body said, "oh give it a rest!" Not that it was a bad run at all, but I am feeling it today. For the rest of the day yesterday I noticed I was sluggish while working. Physically slow, and mentally just taking my own sweet time about things. The cogs turning very slowly. I would go so far as to say almost a little confused and foggy. Right now, if I stop and look at the keyboard while I am typing, my eyes go all over the place looking for the next letter, then all the words I had in mind disappear. 

Physically is where I notice it the most, a bit wobbly on my feet, tired and stiff when moving, mostly from DOMS from the run yesterday, but still. A little unstable, so taking extra care getting up, and getting out of the bath earlier too. 

It is just frustrating to feel so low on energy in body and mind. That said an indoor session on Zwift was my limit today, especially as its so damn windy today. Sod being out there on a bike.

Hopefully over the next few days, as we head towards the weekend things improve and I have a bit more get up and go. One thing that might help with that is getting back into a better sleep routine, and cleaning up my diet a little. Weight gain makes me physically sluggish anyway, and poor sleep, well that is no good for anyone. 

Fingers crossed I can clear this hurdle soon. 

Published on Leave a comment on To quote the late Whitney Houston…

I get so emotional.... 

No really, I do. For years I have been pretty numb to any sort of emotional reactions, and not cried in over 20 years now. There have been the occasional choked up or moments of feeling overwhelmed, but that is as far as it goes, or has gone anyway.

Recently, specifically since stopping the Sertraline I have become a little more reactive to things. Reading out dramatic stories, watching emotionally charged  TV content etc, all leaves me feeling choked up, and dare I say, vulnerable.

Having grown up in the "man up", and "real men don't cry" era, I can't say I every really considered it a weakness, or was in any way aware of my emotions. I definitely do not ever recall being told not to cry, or feeling the need to hide my emotions. I guess it just happened. Peer pressure, society as a whole etc. That said, the only time I can actually remember feeling like I was going to cry, I just went with it. It was how I felt at the time, and better out than in as the saying goes. Not sure that is about crying, but it felt good at the time. 

I have spent decades being cold and emotionally numb. Many things have happened where crying would have been natural, but it didn't happen. Instead I dealt with the formalities and moved on. Quite a few near and dear people to me have died over this time, including my mother, and I can honestly (but not proudly) say I have not shed a tear for any one of those people. I loved them to bits, but nope. just didn't happen. 

Some might say that had I had an emotional reaction, maybe I would not be the mess I am today. OK that isn't fair, I am not a mess, but I certainly struggle with certain things, especially emotions.
What I mean is, some people including professionals might feel that all the emotional baggage I carry, completely unprocessed might not leave processing capacity for day to day life. A good purge might leave some space to be a more balanced person emotionally. They may have a point. It has certainly crossed my mind many times over the years. 

However, maybe I am just not that person. Maybe I am just practical, and take things as they come. I do get a bit quiet and more introverted when bad things are happening emotionally,  but to me that is just my process. My lack of tears in no way reflects on how I feel about people. Just the ingrained instinctual part of me takes over, and moves to the "life goes on" approach. Self preservation at its finest. 

The strange part is, it feels like everything is changing now. I don't feel over emotional, nor out of control. I am just more aware of feeling choked up, having to stop what I am saying, coughing to clear the "lump in my throat" and so on. Then you have the awkwardness of not knowing what to do with the feelings. It has been so long since I have felt anything like it, NOW I feel like I am suppressing it, after all this time!
It would be fantastic to be able to just let it all go, but I can honestly say, I don't know how.

It is a weird situation to find myself in, and I really do not have a clue where I go with this. Maybe some research, but that involves reading, and I hate doing that! Maybe speak to someone about it, delve back a little further, trigger some reactions and go with the flow. I just don't know.
I am sure a few of you will have some good suggestions.

To be clear, I am not afraid or against crying. Never have been, never will be. But I have not felt the way I do for many years, and just feel a bit lost in my own head. Learning how to let it all out, be emotional, and feel a little more human would be great... I just got to figure it out. 

Cue the comments lol..

Oh before I forget.. It feels like the Sertraline was a bit of a reset for me, and now I am solo again, I can connect to the long lost parts of my brain.
OK that's it this time. 

Thanks for reading.

 



 

 

Published on Leave a comment on Time for an update. I GOT MARRIED !

So, since we last spoke I have been to Florida, got married. In the past month I have had surgery, come off my Sertraline meds, had a long haul holiday, gained a wife, seen a rocket launch, run some bucket list runs, and so much more. What I am trying to say is, the last month has been frickin mental for me!

That said, it's all good. I managed to get some nice runs in while I was away, Cocoa Beach, Key West, and some runs in Davenport too. Sadly I didn't manage to get any cycling in as I was really starting to feel fatigued, especially with the record breaking temperatures they were having in Florida while we were out there. 

So, what has happened in the past 20 days. 
Well, we flew to Florida on 29th July, bloody long day with some minor hiccups at Orlando airport with the car reservation. Already exhausted, and having planned to skip the human element at car rental, that was the final straw for me, and I had a little internal wobble. I just wanted to get to the house and hide for a bit. No time for conversation, drama or anything else. Let alone walking round Walmart for groceries. The shopping part was easy enough, it was more the "first time" experiences of the place for the others that was mentally exhausting. CAN WE JUST GET SHOPPING AND GO !!

The next morning, after a poor sleep, I got into the routine I had planned for myself and went out for a run before sunrise. The plan was to do something early each morning, not only starting the day with some time to myself, but also being up at 5am was going to avoid jetlag at the end of the trip. Spoiler alert, it worked a treat, I have been fine since Day 1 back in the UK.
Hard work, as it was already high 20's low 30's by the time I got out. Finishing the run and coming back to the community I was greeted with the fact that the vehicle gate code and pedestrian gate code were NOT the same, and I was locked out. This would become a bone of contention over time. 

Soaking wet, 6am, and of course everyone was still asleep. After 20 mins or so I managed to contact the house and get let in the gate. Phew!

Over the course of the trip to Florida I clocked up over 2,000 miles of driving, which took its toll on each day, especially the drive to and from Key West, being 400ish miles each way. But the reward for all this was some amazing adventures, some of which I shall talk about in another blog on my other page. 

So, apart from a wobbly start, and long days behind the wheel, how was it?
Well, I got married.... Did I mention that? lol
Something I have been looking forward to for a long time now, and I finally, proudly wear a wedding ring. So that was SO worth it. 
Another revelation was finding Melatonin sitting on a shelf in Walmart. Having heard so much about it, I was curious about it, and could not pass off the opportunity to see if it helped with my sleep. 2 weeks later, I can say so far so good, and my sleep has been good. Especially the getting settled part, which is what I have always struggled with. 10mg dose, and a large bottle of it, I will see how I go long term before asking the doc to prescribe it. 

Speaking of doctors, first up, arm has healed really well, can't see the surgery site at all, and no ill effects. Sadly I am still waiting on the biopsy results, but I am sure they will come in time.
As far as Sertraline goes, I can honestly say I have had no issue being off it. I am aware that I am prone to little wobbles when things get full on, however for the most part things have been just fine. 

In fact, even while in Florida, in busy surroundings I managed just fine, using coping behaviours I have developed over the past year. Focusing on only the things closest to me, rather than the depth of crowds, and sheer masses of people. I am quite proud of myself for learning another way of coping with things like that. 

As a whole then, things have been great. Frustrations have been treated as just that, run of the mill hiccups and pains in the arse, rather than personal attacks, and failures. 

Do you know what, I am gonna wrap this up here. I have a lot more to talk about, but very little is mental health related, so I will pop it over on my Michael Snasdell blog instead. It is all worth talking about, but in the right context.

Thanks for reading and supporting, hope everyone is well, and here's to many happy years as an old married man 🙂 

Published on Leave a comment on Feeling a little sensitive

Over the past couple of weeks, as my dose of meds has slowly reduced I have noticed a few changes. Sleep takes a little longer to happen, dreams are a bit weird, and most notable is the increase in sensitivity to sounds. 
For a couple of weeks I have been isolated to an extent, due to healing from the op, so I had not noticed any change. But as soon as I was back out there last week, it was like an overload of sounds all at once. Part of that might have been the time spent away from such environments, but I am pretty sure some of it is as a result of the meds too.  Or lack thereof.

The other day while out riding I noticed I was feeling overwhelmed in Parliament Square, hearing my music, the background noises of the tourists, and the sound of bagpipes plays. Bit of a clash at the best of times, but on this occasion I felt like I wanted to leave as soon as humanly possible. 
Again while out having lunch with a friend at the weekend, we chose to sit in a bar with music playing, which also had a family group eating in there too. Towards the end of their meal the kids became unsettled, and the crying and moaning really became an issue for me. Not their fault I know, but that was just how I felt. 

Thankfully they left, and our conversation continued, speaking with slightly raised voices over the music, but not terrible. A short while later two other groups came in too. Each speaking with raised voices as well. I tried for as long as I could, but I felt myself disengaging from the conversation, and twitching to leave the bar. Until I had to say, "I need to leave". Thankfully we had finished eating a while before, and the bill was settled haha. 

I know this has always been an issue for me, sounds clashing, inability to focus, and a sense of being overwhelmed. Each time I am on meds I think I forget what it feels like until around now, then it is full on. So I am being mindful to try and control the situations I put myself in to minimise it happening. For example, being in a busy airport, or on a plane packed with families for a long haul trip. Oh .... wait ! lol

It's OK though, noise cancelling headphones to the rescue. Fingers crossed if it all gets too much, they will help numb it a bit. And of course, the reward is spending two weeks in far more relaxing surroundings. 

Here ends todays update. Early days, a long way to go, but challenging myself to notice changes in mood and state of mind is helpful in the long run. It helps me find my limits and boundaries, and most of all hopefully helps me navigate day to day life without any more big wobbles for as long as possible.

Published on Leave a comment on Aaah, that’s better.

After two weeks of respite following the surgery on my arm to remove the lump, it feels great to be back at it. And by "it" I mean cycling and running. Having avoided it on instruction for two weeks, to avoid stressing it or getting it full of sweat, over the last two days I have both cycled and run, and IT FEELS GREAT!

 

 

As you can see from the joy in my face in the pictures, I am really in my happy place when being out and about, not to mention active and getting the heart pumping. The effect it has on my brain is enormously positive. I can already feel a change happening in me with just two days of being back in a routine. That is one of the reasons I think keeping that up while I am away is going to be important too. With all the stresses of the trip, it should hopefully keep me a bit more grounded. 

I have gone on about this a thousand before I know, but I really do support the notion that physical exercise, of any kind (so long as it raises the heart rate a bit) can be amazingly helpful for not only your physical health, but your mental health too. Long hikes, short runs, bike rides of any kind, just to name a few. Escaping your surroundings for a bit, giving yourself a bit of breathing space, and most of all headspace.

The main point of these blogs is a two pronged thing. Firstly to share my experiences with others, show there is a way, and a little hope when things are getting too much for you. Life is full of ups and downs. The ups are the easy bit, but recovering from the downs is the hard part. Hard but not impossible, so long as you don't give up hope and self belief. 
The second part is giving me the tools I need when self belief is at a low point, and recovering from a down seems like the hardest struggle of my life. Having notes, a diary or some way of remembering how you did it last time is so so helpful when getting things back on track, as I have found time and time again. But the playbook changes, and so should the notes, hence each time I have a down, I make a record, and see how things have changed, and what works for me now. 

This is NOT a "how to" for anyone else, merely a rough map to show there are various paths to take, and you can find yours too. 

I think the tough part for me this time around, especially while weaning off meds, was recognising what was heightened anxiety, caused by my brain being a bit of a dick, and what was just every day "oh that's shit" feelings, that everyone experiences every day. Differentiating is really important, but hard when you are in the thick of it. Taking an every day piece of bad luck and catastrophizing it to the point where it is targeted, personal, and the world is against you is so easy to do, I speak from experience.

The trick is to catch it at the start. Stop, take a moment, a few breaths, slow down. Separate it from your low mood, they are not associated. Understanding these elements can change everything. 
The example I use all the time is a common scenario. 
You are standing at the sink washing something up, you drop it. As you try to catch it you bend hitting your head on the work top. You pick the item up, go to put it under the tap to rinse it, and get splashed.

SLOW DOWN... Sometimes it's easier to accept things. OK, you dropped something, if your reflexes don't catch it straight away, let it fall, don't have a knee jerk reaction. Look down, take a breath, pick it up, take a breath. Back under the tap it goes. Nice and easy, one step at a time. Each step was individual, not one event.

It is the same with everything else in life too, they are not all connected, it is not all part of a masterplan to ruin your life. The more you panic and rush, the more of a catastrophe it becomes, and the lines become blurred.
I know, it is SO easy to say all this from a stable situation, and it never feels like it at the time. But it comes back to the tools and a little self belief. These are not only skills for getting you out of a hole, but also work for keeping you out of the next one too. The less stress you feel day to day, the stronger the mind is, and the more resilient. Going back to the point of this blog, taking a bit of time each day, or as many as you can manage, to decompress, process things that have happened, and appreciate that here you are, still doing OK, in spite of it all. Build that self belief one day at a time. 

For me, it feels great to feel positive and free again. Nice to know my escapes still work, and most of all that I am mostly in control of your life.
Side note, I have gained a few lbs while I have been unable to train, and really don't care. I am heading into two weeks of "relaxing" if that is the right word. Getting married, soaking up some sun, and of course running and cycling in some new places. 

Thanks for reading, and I hope everyone is well. Always here for a chat.

PS... My CamelChops custom bar bag is on its way too, how flippin excited am I to get that on the Canyon and off for a ride !!

Published on Leave a comment on Unsettled and agitated.

The past week or so I have really been fighting to get to sleep. Once I am asleep I seem to do OK, albeit waking up a little earlier than I would like. But the initial getting off to sleep is hard work. Certainly harder than it has been for a while now.  A couple of years back I got a bit like this, and I resorted to going for runs at 1am to clear my head and wear myself out a bit. However that was quite short lived and just seemed to correct itself, so it's return is very much unwelcome.

Now, it would be more than fair to say that I have quite a lot going on at the moment, which could be contributing to a busy mind, awaiting test results on the lump I had removed, unable to train for the past two weeks, an up and coming trip to Florida next weekend (woohoo), oh and of course, I am getting married the weekend after that. So that is quite the mental load to be getting on with. So it is hardly a surprise that my mind can't switch off too easily. 

If I break down how I have been feeling recently, it might make a bit more sense. So here goes, as I write it, I expect the fog to clear.
First up, headaches. Not bad ones, just lingering , dull aches. Reluctant to take anything for them as they are so mild, but definitely aware of them. Stress, tension? Maybe. I have taken something for it for now, so lets see. Just usually a good indicator my brain is working overtime, and that I am getting wound up.

Then there is the inability to switch off and get some sleep. Apparently I do some of my best thinking while horizontal, so as soon as I go to bed, my brain really gets going. I can have had a nice relaxing evening, feel totally unwound, and as soon as I am in bed, BOOM! My head becomes a think tank! The worst part about this is, not only does it keep me awake, but I actually wasn't joking when I said I do my best thinking laying in bed. Suddenly it is filled with ideas and solutions to things I have been wondering about. The problem is, I try and stick to the rule of once I am settling, don't get my phone out or anything.

By the morning, the ideas are all gone, with the occasional one coming back to me at a random point in the day. My consideration for the solution, a cheap digital dictaphone. Of course I could grab my phone , but that goes against the grain. I could call out to one of the Google devices to make a note and remind me in the morning, but what if it gets it wrong. Surely £16 for a cheap dictaphone which I can simply press the button, say what I am thinking and leave it there is worth the investment?

In fact, the idea for this blog entry was thought up last night, it was much better the first time it went through my head, honest! So to be able to quickly make some notes about something, from the title to the main content, would help alleviate the frustration no end. Hey, who knows, it might even get me used to hearing my own voice, and encourage me to carry on writing the two books I started years ago.

The other issue with my brain behaving this way, is it is very disruptive for sleep. Over the past week I have become worse again at going to bed at a reasonable time. I think subconsciously I am trying to wear myself out before trying to sleep, but of course that doesn't actually work, and it's not really a thing. Physical fatigue does not equate to getting to sleep quickly. I of all people should know that by now, which is why it is important to identify it here, and do something about it. Tonight I shall go to bed earlier.. And stare at the clock for an hour or so before falling asleep.

Next up for me is my general sense of agitation.  I would not say I am irritable as such, no more than normal anyway. However there is an underlaying feeling of being twitchy and easily annoyed. I am not angry or short tempered, but seem to have a sensation of "oh FFS" ever present in my head.
I would say I have no idea why, however I would say there are two very clear reasons why. A lot going on, and my routine is broken.

As I said in the opening, there are a few big things going on right now, the final plans for the trip and wedding are not so much a burden, but a constant thought process in my head. I am very aware I have been to Florida before, but the others have not, so feel somewhat responsible for them having the best time possible. I am a stickler for planning things, and at the moment the plans just feel a little bit loose. It would just be nice to have a basic itinerary to work off, and plan the days according to the weather.  Not really something that should be bothering me, but you know when you just want the best, and it eats away at you?

Then there is the wedding, which I am of course really excited about, and can't wait to happen, there is just the small matter of getting to and from Key West from Orlando for the weekend lol. Should be a nice drive, and a fantastic weekend. I just want to make the most of the time we have in the Keys, and tick off as many things as we can. For me other than the getting married part, I want to do some running and riding.

And that brings me neatly back around to exercise. Since the surgery on my arm, I have not been allowed to run, and cycling was strongly advised against. If nothing else the dressings would peel off, not to mention getting sweat in a fresh wound. So after almost 2 weeks of not being able to do my usual morning exercise, be it running or cycling. my mind is getting worn out. Thankfully the stitches come out tomorrow, and with no dressing, so long as the cut has closed nicely, I should be able to run and ride again, and clear my mind. Just in time for the trip. 

Time and time again, when I have to take a break from running and cycling I am reminded of how much of an integral part of my life and indeed coping mechanism it all is. So it will be a massive relief to be back in the groove soon.

The final piece of the puzzle, and the elephant in the room is the reduction of meds. In the final week of weaning off them now, and I am down to 25mg one day on, one day off. So absolute minimal, and probably totally ineffective. That said, the timing sucks a little, as without careful consideration I would usually consider this a wobble caused by reducing the meds, and get back on them pronto. So it is important to me to be mindful of all the other things going on right now, and realise they have an impact on the strongest and most level of heads, let alone mine.

As next week starts, and the final countdown to the trip comes around, I will me off the meds totally, and flying solo for the first time in almost a year. Well aware that if I do feel stressed or have disturbed sleep, it will more than likely be "normal" and not me flagging.

Oh, one final thing. Weird dreams!
Not just one or two, loads. My take on it is this is the opposite of what happens when you go ON the meds. Usually your brain seems to let thoughts go a little easier, far less dwelling and fixating on silly things, and after an initial period of a daydream like state, dreams seem to become few and far between.
Now the meds are no more, it feels like my mind is making up for lost time, and going crazy. Almost like it has a backlog of things to process and clear out of the system, and they are all merging into one in the rush. Not a bad thing, just noteworthy.

Right, I am done, I am off to buy a dictaphone lol. 

Thanks for reading as ever. 

 

 

 

 

Published on Leave a comment on Three years later, a look back and forward.

Three years ago this month I wrote a blog entry on my other blog, titled My case to remain working from home. At the time we were about 4 months into a global pandemic, restrictions were starting to lift for the first time, and things were starting to change, fast! Having started working from home at the very beginning if the Covid pandemic, I had now settled into my new routine, and apart from some physical wobbles with training and not being allowed to go out and cycle as much as I usually would, all was fantastic.

Now for the first time, the idea of returning to an office was becoming a reality, and it did NOT sit well with me, mentally. In the first couple of months of the situation it had been all new territory, all so unknown. How long does a pandemic last, when will normality return etc. The impression most had was, the weather would warm up, summer would come, and we would all go back to normal. Well, we know how that played out now don't we. But in the moment, going back to the office was always on the cards.

Thankfully during 2020 there was no rush from my employer to get us back to the office. Realising it was still a dynamic situation, everyone was told to sit tight, for which I am eternally grateful. As time went on, I noticed more and more how much healthier I was both mentally and physically with working from home. My own little office, everything the way I wanted it, no noise, interruptions or irritations. For me, feeling mentally stable, with no anxiety on a day to day basis was my idea of paradise, and it was not something I was about to give up without a fight.

The end of the year came, Covid spiked, and into 2021 we went, still with uncertainty about getting normality back, never mind going back to an office environment. As we entered Spring of '21 the talk of returning to the office started back up again. Talk of a hybrid working scheme, split between office and home for certain work groups. Conversations were being had at a higher level, with occasional vague communication to the team, but still nothing solid. Having been working with an internal mental health group, I put out a little survey to see how people felt about returning to an office. People from all different roles, and locations. Getting everything back, I wrote another blog, almost directed at the company and the decision makers, setting out my case for the WFH road ahead. Work From Home - The road ahead.

Now it had been a year since the start of the pandemic, and I had been working at home throughout. Myself and the rest of my team could certainly see the benefits. However both within and outside my group, concern was starting to be raised about the impact on peoples mental health. The lack of personal face to face interactions. Not so much causing problems for the role and the company, but for the people themselves. The company recognised this, as did many others, and provisions were made for those struggling to be able to safely return to the office. The bit I wasn't hearing was what provisions were being made for those performing and feeling better OUT of the office. That's because there didn't seem to be much consideration for this side of things. Only the other way.

It was around this time, in the summer of '21 that I started to make noises about it, and make the case that while some suffered, others thrived. Of course I wanted those struggling to be looked after, but I would like a voice too. Talking to HR, I set out my concerns for returning to an office as and when the time were to come. Little did I know even the thought of that was a long way off.  As consultations continued, there was talk of a new way, three groups of roles. Office based, hybrid, and remote. But again, there was no indication of who fell into what category. As summer came to an end, and the weather turned, lessons from 2020 were used, and the decision was made to sit tight for another winter, in case of a spike in cases. Yup, Covid was still rampant back then, you forget so quickly!

OK, so Spring 2022, it has now been a whole two years since Covid started. Two years working at home, and slowly but surely setting up a nicer and nicer office environment for myself. Spending my own money, and hoping dearly that we at least fell under hybrid, and would just be left to our own devices with regards to office days. 
Then finally, the day came, the official announcement was made, and we were..... Office based! WTF! How was this even possible, two years working from home, everything working perfectly, in fact better than ever, and somehow it was back to the office for us. Naturally this was not received well, and an immediate protest was made. A protest / appeal which a year later is still rattling on in 2023. 

In the past year, since that announcement I have been making my own case for remaining at home. My home office is better equipped than my work office was, my mental health is better than ever, as is my physical health, so why change that?

So, let me jump to the point of this blog, as in reality the summary above is just a recap of all the other blogs I wrote over this time period. Is working from home better or worse for MY mental health?
If you believe the mainstream and the masses, it is not possible to be better off mentally by being isolated away from people. Humans thrive with interactions, and face to face is far healthier. However things like this always fail to take into account the input from those with anxiety, who prefer to be introverts, and to put it plainly, just don't like people. I fall into all the above categories, and was reminded of this with a couple of quick visits to the office for I.T reasons last year. Nope, nope and nope, given the choice, I choose NOT to be in an office. 

Over the past year I have been making my case to medical professionals, work HR dept, and my line manager, trying to explain why it would be detrimental to my mental health to return to working in an office. During that process I have had my first issue with anxiety in years, been back on medication, and am slowly coming back off them. Thankfully a couple of months back now, the decision was finally reached that due to mental health concerns, and the impact an office environment would have on my anxiety, I would officially remain working from home indefinitely.

Two points I would like to make. Firstly, the wording of the new agreement for working from home is far from ideal. Talking about it can be reversed at any time etc. But I understand this is a general remote working agreement, and does not specifically address the reasons for my change. So I am happy with that.

Secondly, some I am sure (I could name a few) will ask, why did you take an office job if you don't like working in an office. And to that I say, Oooh Fuuu.... No no, seriously.
When I took the role I took it because I liked the challenge, and have loved the role ever since. During the 20 years I have done the role, a lot has changed, and I have been through a lot. Ups and downs in mental health, break-ups, losing loved ones etc, so it has been hard to quantify the impact the actual environment has on my well being.  With Covid I was suddenly removed from the toxic environment of an office, and finally able to set myself up the way it suited me, and no one else. 

From Day 1 it started to become apparent that just working alone made such a huge difference to me. Improved moods, better sleep, sharper in my role, not to mention my time keeping was perfect. Strangely the same can't be said for everyone, even when only commuting to the next room, but hey! There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that working from home is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  The extra free time with no commute is a bonus, but the biggest take from it all is my mental health. Apart from the wobble late last year, caused by the indecision of the company and HR being unable to decide if I could stay working from home or not, my mental health has been impeccable, as has my physical health in general too. They go hand in hand, happy mind, healthy body.

So there we have it, I am happy as a pig in shit, working from home, having spent thousands of pounds of my own money making my home office the perfect working environment for me and my little mind. As for the rest of the team. Well, they await their fate, still hanging on to remaining at home, but with the shadow of uncertainly hanging over them every day. A shadow which weighed as much as a mountain when it hung over me. As far as I know, no one else has made their case to remain at home regardless of decision, so I am truly thankfully that I am out of the shadows now. Some believe that now that the company is actively returning to the office in the USA, the UK and Europe will soon follow suit. Whatever happens, I know what my situation is now.

Yours smugly
Michael 

Anyway, thank you for reading. Interesting fact, I only wrote four entries in this blog in 2020 and four on my other blog too. Crazy, only eight blog entries in the year the world went into lockdown ! What was I thinking.