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Author: WaffleDog

Published on Leave a comment on Just so tired!

The past couple of weeks now I have felt more and more lethargic in the mornings. Mentally and physically exhausted, and happy to just stay in bed all day of the opportunity were to present. My saving grace here is trying to build a routine for myself. At the moment I am off work sick, so part of my daily routine is missing, however I have managed quite well to substitute that section with cycling. Managing a good ride each day. 

In the morning I now find myself forcing myself to get out of bed, then making breakfast and a coffee, plonking myself in front of the TV and waking up slowly, before checking the weather and heading out for a ride. I have purposely scheduled my meds for 9am to make sure I am up and awake by that time, so no long lay ins. 

Once out on the bike I take it easy, and plod around, taking in the sights, keeping the brain busy, and getting some fresh air. But that seems to be my limit right now. Actually doing anything purposeful seems impossible at the moment. Focus is gone, attention span nowhere to be found, so trying to achieve anything which requires any of that is pointless and frustrating to try. 

I have said before about losing your flow mid sentence, we all do it, but I do it constantly at the moment, and it's the same for my train of thought. A blessing and a curse all at once. 

I am due to increase my meds on Monday which will be interesting, and also give an indication of what is causing my lethargy. It could be the meds as numbing my mind has always been an effect of them, or it could be the break in routine that is throwing me into a spin. Either way, right now I will just go with the flow, as the anxiety levels are dropping, sleep is improving, and general state of mind is better. 

I can't help but continue to feel that the meds are almost unnecessary, with anxiety levels having reached the point they did due to the speed at which work have dealt with the whole WFH issue. It still bothers me now, wondering what is going to happen, but alas there is still no answer on thay front. A full 10 days after I last spoke to work, not a single email to advise of what is going on. So still the cause of the spiral continues. I just don't get it. Thinking about it makes me anxious, sad, confused and angry all at the same time. As I have said before even a "we need to pass this up the line, hold tight" would be something, but nope! 

With the meds increasing, the wait continuing and the anxiety hanging on in there, I think this is going to be a long journey. While I am happy to wait it out, I just hope it won't be too long, as once I reach the point of questioning my own sanity, it becomes a whole different story, and depression starts to creep in fast. It's a cycle for me, and one I would rather avoid. So hopefully I will hear back from work next week.... How many times have I said that now? 

I am pleased to say Covid has been and gone now, and I am starting a bounce back physically from that at least. So the cycling is playing a part in helping me at least feel I can recover quickly. An important message for me right now, assuring myself I can bounce back from this episode of anxiety quickly too. Last time around with Covid it lingered for a while, so it's good to have shaken at least one monkey off my back. To be unable to get out on the bike right now would be crippling. 

 

Side note, I am sitting in the front room soaking up some morning sun, while watching the F1 while I write this. To write the above I had the sound on mute, as soon as I turned it back on, my ability to carry on writing dissolved. Focus, I just can't! 

Anyway, it's the weekend. Thanks for reading, and here's to a better week for news next week. 

PS, I'm off my for my flu jab shortly, if that doesn't knock me for six I will be surprised. 

Published on Leave a comment on CBT – Round 2 – FIGHT (or flight)

Today saw the second session of CBT for me, and I have to be perfectly honest, my mind was not in the right place for it today. Since the last session I have had a homework assignment to do, as well as a long questionnaire to complete, but quite frankly my mind has really not been up to the task. In fact it has not been up to doing much of late. Putting off and just leaving some tasks all together, choosing instead to slouch in front of the TV and binge watch TV programs. Although it is not all negative, after all, sometimes it's good just to completely let go. Relax a little, break the routine and just do whatever the mind chooses to do. All that before of course, reinstating a strict regime to follow, to keep the mind busy, and a routine ticking over. 

So back to todays session. It started with getting up in time to get the homework and questionnaire complete in time to send back before the session. That in itself was a challenge, finding myself getting confused and wound up by some of the questions. Not to mention starting to feel anxious while answering some of them, as they required me to put myself in stressful situations to decide on the answers. By the time the session came around I was already tense and my head was spinning a bit. 

At the start of the session I mentioned to the therapist that I was off to a bad start for the day, and we went over the mornings events to try and ease the stress a little. I of course know that had I bothered to get the assignments done before this morning, it would have made for a much easier start to the day. But I have already made my excuses, and I am sticking by them. From there we moved on to the rest of the session, going through the homework, discussing what I had learned about certain aspects of the anxiety structure, and seeing what I could improve on. Then the world turned upside down. The question came, "how would you feel if I asked you to speak to someone you have never spoken to before. Strike up a conversation, and chat for five minutes?". By the time she got to the end of the sentence my heart was already pounding and my mouth had gone dry. 

In a flash, running scenarios of what would we talk about, what would they be like etc. Pausing for a second I said "terrified!" The idea of someone else suddenly becoming involved and being expected to make small talk was horrific. Here I am in my safe little bubble, just me and her chatting about things, and suddenly there would be someone else! She replied, "do you think you could manage it though". Instinct said NOOOOOO!!, my happy space is not getting into these situations in the first place, let alone struggling my way through it. But obviously, for the sake of making some progress on the CBT course I know I have to put myself in awkward and uncomfortable situations, so I said I could do it, but didn't feel good about it.

We then went through some pre conversation questions, asking me to gauge how I felt 1-10 about various things like ability to hold a conversation, did I feel safety behaviours would come into play and so on. After this it was explained who the person would be, how we would structure the chat, and what would happen next. Then it was time, the therapist brought the person into the meeting, and made introductions. To my relief it was a lovely softly spoken young lady, so any fear of confrontation or being overwhelmed slipped away. After the introductions we spoke about the chosen subject of exercise and fitness. Throughout I fiddled with a pen on the desk out of shot, and found myself doing what I do best, talking and talking, offering compliments and positive reinforcements to them, while trying to keep the conversation in my control until the time was up. It was not a total monologue, but I was aware of how much I had spoken, and how little I had breathed, based on my heart rate by the end.

She went off, and me and the therapist did a recap, and re-ran the questions again. I had found myself much more confident towards the end of the conversation than I had first thought I would. I am starting to learn things about myself I didn't know. The inital avoidance of the conversation is far more powerful than the anxiety once engaged in the moment. The anxiety then switches to what I can only describe as a sand timer filled with energy inside of me, and I can feel the energy draining away as each moment passes. Almost controlling my fight or flight response, keeping myself in the uncomfortable moment but at great expense to my energy reserves. It is all related, not two separate issues, but it is interesting to see the point at which it switches over from complete avoidance (comfort zone for me) to fight or flight. In my case I choose fight, but thankfully only metaphorically, and fight in this case is to fight my own anxiety, and stay in the situation.

So that was the stranger moment over with.... Or was it. As we finished up the summary of what had just happened, I was asked how I would feel repeating the exercise, this time trying to avoid any physical coping mechanisms. Sit on my hand so to speak, and focus on the conversation and staying engaged. My immediate reaction was almost identical to the first time, became a fidget, and started looking all over the place. But within seconds, I felt myself calming down a bit as this was going to be the same person again, no new introductions, just a new topic, and trying to stay in normal conversation. This time I actually sat on my hands and tried to leave breathing room in the chat for her to speak to. By the end of five mins, despite feeling more comfortable about the conversation, I found myself almost in a tight ball, and hunched up. I had found a different want to use up the excess energy generated by the fight or flight reflex. 

Asked by the therapist if I felt that safety behaviours played a positive role in the conversation, I had a mixed response. From the brief exercise I had learned that when my body switches to fight or flight, like anyone else I get a surge of adrenaline which causes my body to feel full of energy. If I can find a way to expel that energy, while remaining in the situation, things start to become more manageable. For example, the first conversation, while more challenging, felt more relaxed due to playing with the pen. Much like my trusty twisty handkerchief I wrote about before. It has clearly played a much more profound role than I had given it credit for. 
With regards to other safety behaviours, such as complete avoidance of situations, while it certainly makes aspects of life far more comfortable, it is also sadly impractical to avoid people completely. Besides, contrary to belief, I do actually like some people.. Not many, but a few, and I enjoy their company, so being able to do that more would be lovely, hence here I am in therapy.

So my take away from todays session is that I am stronger than I give myself credit for, more capable than I believe I am, but go into hyperdrive when put in a situation which makes me feel uncomfortable. That part I think I knew all along. Maintain control, wrap it up quickly, and get the hell outta Dodge! Flight plays a part in my responses after all, it's just a little bit delayed for politeness. 

Going back to the start for a moment, to address the lateness in getting the assignment done. It all comes back around to the slowing down of my mind at the moment. I am pretty sure it's 90% meds 10% mood, but I just have very little get up and go at the moment. I have recently started having random thoughts just popping up in the middle of other things. For example last night I was thinking about a route I could walk or run, and suddenly roast potatoes and gravy.... What the hell! I mean I love them and all, but what did that have to do with it, But they quite literally dropped straight into the middle of my visualising a route. Just one of many random thoughts. That said, I would take random interruptions to my thought process over the inability to let a thought or worry go for hours on end. Just takes some getting used to. Needless to say, certain tasks which require concentration or focus are rather difficult right now. Next week my med dose increases a little, so it should be interesting to see how that affects things. In the past it has gotten worse before it has got better, so we shall see.

Right, I shall leave it there for now, but to summarise, session 2, shellshocked but feeling positive. 
Back for another blog entry soon, got so much more to write, just lacking the focus to be able to get it out.

Published on Leave a comment on Another step in the right direction.

Another day, another work meeting, this time with the boss. Following on from my email to work the other day, advising of me being signed off for a while, and asking for updates, we scheduled a meeting for this morning. 

In the back of my mind I planned to write out all the questions I had, and bullet points for anything I wanted to discuss, but due to a lack of enthusiasm to do much at the moment I never got around to doing it. 10 mins before the call I grabbed a pen and pad and sat and looked at it for nine minutes. Writing down one thing. Timescale. 

I have been lucky with managers of late, and my last two have been very supportive when it comes to the crunch, so speaking openly isn't an issue. The last time we spoke the connection was poor and we were cut off, so at the start of this call I checked we were good to go. 

It was nice to have a relaxed chat to start with, catching up about things, and discussing my current situation and state of health. How things are being handled by the doctors etc and what the plan moving forward is with that side of things. Before moving on to the nitty-gritty of the situation with WFH. 

The first subject was the general group / team WFH situation, and where it stands as far as the readdress of the decision. As a group the hope was to remain with WFH, but it appears when the assessments were done, the team was not really understood, and for some reason it was decided to return to the office. Since that announcement the manager and HR have been requesting it be reconsidered, and it appears that it is finally getting somewhere. The hope is apparently to have a decision on the group as a whole in about a months time. 

It was at this point I looked at my note and decided to ask about the time frame of my own situation, and if we were waiting for the group decision to be made before addressing my situation, or if we could push forward with it. 

Given the report is in, all parties concerned have confirmed they have seen it, read it and understand the information within, it felt like there was no need to wait for the group. With all the things that need to be considered for a group of about 16 people, I have a doctors report, requested by work, detailing what my situation should be going forward. The only consideration that really needs to be made is WHO is making the final decision, and WHEN they can take a moment to do that. 

It is fair to say that me and my manager appear to be very much on the same wavelength, and understand the importance of getting this decision made. As well as feeling this and many other decisions are taking far to long to make with no good reason. 

With all this in mind I decided I would try and set a deadline so to speak, and suggested that it would be good to hear something back before my sick certificate runs out. This would hopefully help me with my mental health situation, and bring me back to a level I feel I can function on, and return to work without any further delays or extensions to my sickness period. I feel that is a reasonable comment to make, especially as most of the anxiety is based on the lack of information that has been made available over the past six or so weeks. It is not a threat, more a statement of fact, that knowing what is happening with my work situation will have a profound positive effect on my anxiety, as it already has once, but for the worse. 

The plan now is for my manager to speak to HR again and chase them for their decision. It is likely that HR will need to speak to their manager too, in order to authorise a permanent change. In theory it is quite a simple thing to do, but I imagine there is a lot of paperwork to do, welfare, work place safety, equipment and other considerations. However I have been explicit in saying I don't need it signed sealed and delivered.... I just need an notice of intent for now. A "we will get this done", and then a rough idea of time and what will happen next. Rather than being left in eternal limbo, with no decision made either way, and the constant worry that there are plans being made against me. As stupid as that sounds, that is what my anxious mind says. 

I know HR are a busy bunch, and that even if my manager has emailed them this morning, a reply is most likely tomorrow now (Friday), so any movement on things is unlikely to be til next week at the soonest. Hopefully I will head something back towards the end of next week, any longer and I know already that the anxiety will reach fever pitch again, and we will start the cycle all over again. 

I am itching to get back into a routine again, work / life balance is fragile, and routine really helps with that. But for now I shall relax a bit again now the conversation has been had, and keep my fingers crossed that next week brings news. 

PS, writing later in the evening today seems to be the right way to go. Clearer mind at the moment. Been a tough day today finding the energy to get things done. Simple little tasks that have either gone ignored all day, or simply forgotten about. I tend to move things now to be in my way, so I remember to do them. Must fill the dogs water.... Put the bowl in the middle of the floor etc. 

Right, that's my mind fried from recalling all that. Heres to a relaxing weekend (mentally at least) 

2

Published on 2 Comments on Urrrgh!

Gonna be one of those days I think. Long but crappy nights sleep (thanks Kallik), starting to feel less run down which is nice, but still very unsettled. Body battery (Garmin thing) is quite low for me, and reflects how I feel, but otherwise things are OK. 

Had my first CBT session this morning, and I have to say, after a little pre meeting trepidation, it all went well, and like before, I feel like I have a grip on it and am starting to have a bit of an understanding. That said, I think I have always understood my anxiety, but just not yet learned how to cope with it. She did say in the session that I had made great progress, understood the structure well and was becoming my own coach, so that's good, right?  We did also discover that I am pretty complex and my favourite word is "control". 

As I expected, the scores from my testing this week show a swing back towards depression, and a relaxation of my social anxiety. That is why the therapies route has always been such a pain for me. While they are connected, and dealing with one assists with the other, it's a "pick one" approach, and a more generalised one at that. But for the speed this therapy has come about, I am NOT complaining, and appreciate the help I am getting. But it does support the pendulum effect I have always spoken about, that as one issue lessens, the other gets worse. The goal here is to stop the damn thing swinging and sit happily in the middle, or at the very least, take the energy out of the pendulum and stop it swinging further and further into the abyss. 

Tomorrow I have my meeting with work to discuss my situation moving forwards, so hopefully some progress can be made there. I am hoping we can separate the two situations, and deal with mine individually rather than with the herd. Worst case, herd is first, and I just have to be patient. If that is the case, I still feel in control, so am not too worried about the outcome, just more frustrated by the delays. 

For the rest of the day now I am at a loose end. I really want to do something, but not sure what. Riding seems a bit of an effort and faff for how I feel right now. But sitting on my arse for the whole day seems pretty frickin dull, so maybe a walk is the answer. I don't want to socialise in any way, partially because of how my head feels and partly because of Ann having Covid and me not wanting to spread it. So a walk in the open sounds like the best plan right now I think. Fresh air, pod cast in my ears and get the HR up a bit. 

Mentally today I feel a bit lethargic, disinterested in doing much. Haven't washed the bike after yesterdays ride, a few odd jobs need doing but I haven't been bothered, and beating myself up a bit about forgetting to put the bins out. I wasn't sure if it was a bank holiday weekend for bin collection or not. Meh! Oh well. (edit, I just checked and seems they are being collected tomorrow, phew!) But yeah, head not in a bad place today, just not too motivated. Thought process seems a little more active today. Noticed I was quite engaged during my CBT session, able to think on my feet, and also writing this I feel 8 have some flow. That may of course be because I have only just taken today's dose of meds, so could go downhill from here yet, but all part of the journey. 

It's nice that people are reading these entries and being kind enough to respond to me via messages and other means. Feels good to know it's a shared journey and a path others have trodden before, so thank you to everyone who has been in touch in anyway, your support means a lot to me. And I hope in turn than by writing and sharing this, others somehow get some help and understanding from my journey. It has always been the goal of this blog to share both ways. 

Right, I better get my day in order before I give up on it all together. 

Til tomorrow... 

Published on Leave a comment on After the first week on meds..

So it's been a full week now that I have been taking the medication, and I am settling into a dulling of the mind for sure. I have been thinking about writing an entry for a day or two now, but the usual paragraphs that just appear in my head have not manifested. The train of thought that usually builds the structure is nowhere to be found. Instead there is a kangarooing of the brain. Stop start judder judder judder as I try and put sentences together without first writing them down, which is what I am trying to do here. 

Sleep is improved, over thinking is near on impossible, but then unfortunately so is thinking in general. Can't dull one without the other, and that's a problem! The past few days I have floundered a bit, trying to build a routine I can stick to. Struggling to get things done, and I reach the end of each day with a list of things I didn't achieve. "Write a list" they say... Sure, if that's your thing, do that, but the normal me doesn't need a list, I just remember. And I honestly don't see why the hell I should adapt to living like this, to be able to work day to day without crippling anxiety. I was fine before, but now I'm left deciding which I want. 

Anyway, that's all a bit deep isn't it. In other news, Ann has Covid, I as of yet have avoided it, but think it's inevitable that I will get it in the next few days. Til then I am trying to stay active, get some riding done, and keep the brain working the best I can. Had a great ride today, just nice, gentle and enjoyable. The best kind. 

I have a CBT session tomorrow morning, the first of the course, and once again my score of the test will be very different to last week. I have gone from low to high to low again, so that should get an interesting response. There is of course a good reason for that. Speaking of which, after sending my sick certificate to work today, I pushed for a meeting re what on earth is going on, and am happy to say I have a meeting on Thursday morning with my manager and HR (I believe). Progress, we shall see. 

Right, I better get to bed and rest this dull, hollow head of mine. Told you I can't think or write! Pfft. 

Published on Leave a comment on Side effects have arrived!

Almost at the end of the first week of taking the news meds, and the side effects are starting to show their face. Nothing alarming, or that I have not experienced before, but they change the game a little all the same. Sertraline is the drug in question this time around, a change to my usual Citalopram, but early days feel the same. 

Due to feelings really run down at the moment, I am already struggling to have the energy to do much, but combined with the early effects of the meds, it has kinda knocked me for six. Currently feeling physically fatigued, my interest in doing anything is badly affected, so I am spending a lot of time sitting around and not doing much. I noticed yesterday when going for a little ride that my energy levels were pretty low. By last night the mouth ulcers including one on my tongue had reached a point of not just discomfort, but annoyance too. Over salivating, so continually swallowing makes it really hard to get to sleep, making you feel like you are drowning in your own saliva. One of the ways to kerb this is to clench my mouth shut, but that leads to headaches. Lose-lose!

Anyway, this is meant to be about side effects of the meds, not ailements of being run down. So let's get back to those. Now the actual intended effects of the meds generally take 4-6 weeks to have a noticable effect on the condition they are treating. However that does not mean they don't start to have an effect straight away. The idea is to build up a level in the body to impact the anxiety, but with a regular dose, it soon starts to have an impact even before levels build up.

Previously, and indeed currently the main effect is a dulling of the thought process. There is a trade off to be had, and I will give a good example of it shortly, but for now, let me try and explain how I feel right now. I feel mentally lethargic, with a lack of focus on anything. Concentration is very, very low, so even something as simple as following the plot of a program I am watching can be difficult. When speaking I can lose my flow mid sentence, or completely tune out of a conversation I am having without warning. Even if I have listened carefully, recalling what was just said can be difficult. Even recalling what I just said can be tough. We all have this sort of thing for a moment, but for me right now, its all day long.

Trying to put a blog entry together is hard work, and in a rare moment of clarity, here I am trying to document what is going on before I lose my way again, and lose the chance to create this valuable reference point for myself. The upside of this feeling of course is the almost inability to dwell on anything. My anxiety can find me caught up in a self destructive loop at times, catastrophising the most simple of thoughts. To go back to the example I promised, last night while suffocating in saliva, I wondered why I was suddenly creating so much. My mind trying to be as irrational as possible took me back a few weekends where I saw a runner at the half marathon running in aid of "saliva gland cancer research"... Of course my mind went to cancer. 

Now, if this was just me, not on medication I can guarentee that I would have got up, googled the symptoms, and somehow worked on making them fit to what was going on, for a moment at least. Instead, my mind went there, the thought entered my mind, exited and was not heard of again for the rest of the night. It is almost like a temporary amnesia which makes it impossible for the conscious mind to hold on to a thought long enough to spiral down with it. Handy in those instances, difficult day to day. Needless to say, concentration comes at a price right now, and that cost is irritability. If I am trying to focus on one thing, and anything distracts me, I become very frustrated, very quickly.  Another cost is energy. To focus on a TV program for an hour, leaves me tired and needing to take a break, which is what I am doing right now.

Other effects include feeling a bit light headed from time to time, lack of interest in doing a lot of things which require any focus or physical energy, and general all round tiredness. Yesterday I liked the idea of going for a couple of rides this weekend, by the time I woke this morning, after a crap nights sleep, I had no interest in doing so whatsoever. Thinking about it, I honestly think I would be a liability on a bike today, as I just can't shake the wandering mind and eyes. We did pop to the shops earlier, and while I felt save taking an easy drive there, my ability to shop  was just not there. No idea what I wanted, so just grabbed a few obvious things, and called it a day. For the rest of the day I shall just rest body and mind.

Fingers crossed the mouth starts to feel a bit better soon, as the over production of saliva and constantly swallowing it leaves me feeling quite nauseous, and I could do without any more ailements right now thanks.
I am gonna leave this one here now as I am struggling a bit to write rather than ramble. Apologies for the waffle and any typos, I just don't have the capacity to do much better. From previous experiences with these meds, these effects should ease a little in the coming weeks. Replaced by some other weird and wonderful side effects, which will also hopefully be short lived.  Just to add, by the end of the week I had received no contact from work at all, no acknowledgement of me calling in sick, or my absence. And no updates on the outcome of my appointment with OH, so that is officially a month without so much as a single word being spoken about it. Nice one! Next week, if I can string a sentence together, I will chase this up.

Thanks as ever for reading.

Footnote..
Apologies to anyone I engage with over the coming few weeks. If I stop talking or replying, or just seem distant, it is just the meds making it hard to concentrate. If you are boring me, I will be sure to just say! 

Published on Leave a comment on F**k! I’m getting ill!

Well that's far from ideal! Since Monday I have been feeling physically run down, to compliment the heightening anxiety I have been feeling. Mouth ulcers, tired and a little foggy headed. 

However today I woke feeling a little lethargic, and poorly rested. But at the same time needed to do something with my day as I was up early. A bit of garden work kept me occupied for a while, then I decided I needed to do something more. Still feeling off, I opted for a gentle ride into town to meet a friend for coffee. 

The ride was nice, the company was great, and the ride home was nice too with a tailwind the whole way. But once back home I noticed that I was really starting to feel off. As the evening has progressed it has gone down hill a bit more. With a sore throat starting, and that feeling of hot eyes when you get a cold or flu. So not a great feeling at all. 

On the plus side, at least I am off sick already, so no need to soldier on for the sake of a stiff upper lip. On the downside, the whole idea of being signed off was to avoid reaching this stage, so meh, I will call it a draw. 

Time to get some shut eye and hope I wake feeling a little better. Would love to get some more cycling done in the coming days, for sanity if nothing else, so fingers crossed! 

Published on Leave a comment on My history with anxiety. Pt1

Over recent years I have found myself wondering where this all began. What was my trigger to this whole battle with mental health, and when I could first recall the first instances or behaviours. 

I usually have these internal conversations late at night when I am trying to sleep, like now. 11pm on a Wednesday night. So I decided that the best way to deal with it is to document it. Then then next time I have these conversations, I can look back and remind myself and stop the cycle in its tracks. That's the plan anyway. 

So last night I was laying here at about 12.30am, trying to shut my mind up, and events of many years ago kept coming back into my head. 

I am going to try and write this little mini series in a more constructive way, but for now wanted to get this one out of my head. 

My Twisty! Since late in junior school, and definitely through secondary I used to carry cotton hankies. Good old fashioned cotten, washable hankies. None of that tissue nonsense. Gross I know! Anyway, hygiene aside, I always had one with me, much like my trust in inhaler, it was one of the items on the pocket checklist before heading out. 

Now these hankies, originally intended for their main purpose soon became something much more. My twisty. Wherever I was, whatever I was doing, I would always have one hand in my pocket, twisting the corners of the hankie. Tighter and tighter, the more nervous or uncomfortable I felt, the more I would fiddle with them. This habit went way on into my twenties. 

Now I know it's just a fidget thing, loads of people use things like that to pass time, create a distraction, or cope with anxiety. Heck we had a craze for fidget spinners, but for me this is just one little piece of the puzzle which helps me see my road map to where I am today. And also helps me to see this isn't sudden, or sporadic, but more a long term pattern for the way I have always been. 

I'm just going to wrap it all up there, but will add more parts to this series in the coming days as more things come to mind. 

Next up, late bed wetting, and how it shaped my early years... 

Watch this space. 

Published on Leave a comment on Day 2 – Panic attack!

First things first, I feel a lot more relaxed about my situation today. So that's good. Thought it best to start on a positive note before spiralling down and moaning about everything else. 

This morning I am out for another walk. The plans of a ride scuppered again by another night of rain. As its cooling down now, the roads are not drying as quickly, and quite frankly I just don't fancy getting a wet bum. 

So instead I have come out for a little walk, today to Dulwich Park. Like yesterday, taking a break on a bench to offload my thoughts. 

Open park area, with trees and a play area. Blue cloudy skies.

Hopefully I can jump on the trainer this afternoon and burn off some more energy. 

Yesterday was a bit of a funny one, rapid high and low moods, trying to keep myself distracted with anything I could. Worked for the main part, but from time to time the silly thoughts took over. Trying to focus on myself a little bit more for the time being, and letting all the other noise of life disappear. I think sometimes I use that as a distraction from my own issues, which is probably part of my problem. 

Yesterday afternoon, my back and shoulders were still really tight, so I decided to have a soak in the bath. The idea was great, but sitting in a hot bath with your thoughts is sometimes a little too much. And on this occasion it certainly was. After about 15 mins I suddenly felt like I was over heating. My heart started racing, I started sweating heavily, and decided I needed to get out. Rolling over onto my knees to get up, I was hit with a huge wave of nausea, and got really light headed, so decided to stay put for a bit. By this point I was feeling the onset of a panic attack. What was wrong with me! 

Running the cold tap to cool myself down slowly helped, and in about 10 mins I was in a fit state to get out of the bath. Immediately my irrational mind went to "it's the new meds". Rationally though, I know when I have a long soak in a hot bath normally, I can get light headed anyway, rise in body temp and BP. So park that idea right there! The nausea was most likely just because of my intake recently and just how I feel in general exasperating the situation. Panic over. But if I didn't set myself baselines, I would be in a world of worry right now. 

The rest of the day passed without drama, and I stayed up late watching some TV, trying to relax enough to sleep. Going to bed around 11pm, thinking I was ready, I found myself restless and unable to get comfortable. The mouth sores I have from being run down at the moment don't help matters. I tried to distract myself with the idea and plans for a ride the next morning, but hearing the rain outside just left me thinking that was never going to happen, and what would I do with my day instead. 

Doing some mindfulness exercises I started to relax a little and let my thoughts flow in and out, until I got caught up on my history of anxiety, and thinking back to where I thought it all began. That in turn started writing a blog entry in my head, and the thoughts got deeper. Agreeing with myself that this would be a good blog entry, I put the idea to one side, promising myself I would tackle it soon. That seemed to do the trick, and I soon fell asleep, for an hour anyway. 

After that I had my usual night of broken sleep, and when I woke, I looked at the clock, went to roll over, then reminded myself I need to keep a routine. I got up, fed the dogs and took my meds. Then got ready for a walk and here I am now. Bum getting wet sitting on a damp bench in the park. Wondering already what people will think when I get up with a damp patch on my arse to finish my walk. 

When I get home, I will have some lunch, then make a start on my "History of Anxiety" blog. Possibly a mini series of blogs, rather than a huge long one that no one will read to the end of. But like this one haha. 

 

Anyway, thanks for reading, I'm off to be judged by the people of Dulwich for having a wet bum. 

Published on Leave a comment on And so it begins. – Meds Day 1

Yesterday was a turning point for sure, with the appointment with the GP, the chat about meds, and realisation that I am starting to feel crap both physically and mentally. The past couple of days I have had mouth sores, felt tired, and a sudden loss of structure to my days. Not to mention eating lots of junk food. 

I write this from a bench by the river, as I have come out for a morning walk. Having spent last night calming my mind by thinking about going for a ride today, my first day being signed off sick. But waking to slightly crap weather, and forecasts of rain in a while. 

 

As I have been walking, I have already convinced myself that the idea of going for a ride is silly now, but will check the weather in a bit and see if that's possible at all. 

So many thoughts going through my mind at the moment, flying through at 100mph, without a chance to react. Like walking through a crowded street and just hearing people shouting things, but not having time to digest them. So I thought I would stop mid walk to jot some of them down, so not to forget them later. 

Right now, having just started the new medication, it is hard for me to try and get a grip on myself. Not only does it feel like a giant step back, it also leaves me wondering what's coming next. How will they affect me, will any rise in mood be from them or me. So many questions and concerns right now. 

The only thing I could think of doing was to use this as a benchmark for myself, log how I feel right now, before any medication has any effect, and then go from there to try and get a sense of what's going on. 

Before leaving home I called my boss, as its procedure to speak to a manager. Even though I have sent an email, having received no communication to acknowledge it, I thought it best to make the call. I got voicemail, so left a long message saying I would be off, but really hoped to hear something from them while I am off, and said it might help things if I were to. We shall see on that front eh. 

In the meantime, my mood is pretty low, a sense of self loathing creeping in, but I feel in control. Practising my CBT to ward away the crap thoughts. While walking I have noticed I am definitely feeling a lot more anxious about the people around me. Walking along slightly busy streets, trying to make space for myself, but feeling people are magnetically attracted to me, which ever way I go, they go too, walk along a wide pavement and somehow they seem to brush right by me. Sunglasses on on an overcast day, headphones in (listening to Parenting Hell) to block out as much as I can to try and be alone with my thoughts. 

Tension in my neck and shoulders has me feeling uncomfortable, and has been a theme of my sleep for the past couple of days. Walking makes my lower back hurt too, so the combo of both is not ideal. But that's another good excuse to stop and write this. 

Physically within myself I feel balanced, but have to make a point of not over doing it for the next couple of weeks. Walking, running and cycling are my escapes from my mind, which can sometimes becomes a bit self destructive.

I guess that's its for now, I better carry this walk on. Just feels good to jot all that down, and download it from my head. On to over thinking other things now. 

Heres hoping I hear from work, but not holding my breath. 

Another entry coming soon for sure. Be patient, there is gonna be a lot of these types of entries for a while.