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Tag: depression

Published on Leave a comment on Another day, another dilemma.

It was recently mentioned to me that it might be helpful to look into the realms of ASD with regards to my behaviours, and general mindset, not to mention the symptoms I have commonly discussed on this blog and with others. Fair to say this is not the first time it has been mentioned, and has been the topic of quite a few conversations with certain friends of late. Obviously we know I struggle with anxiety in general. But is that the condition itself, or simply a symptom of a bigger issue? That is the question for today.

Before I dive into that, I wanted to make note here that today in general has been a pretty shitty day. No particular reason, just generally started out on a low, and for a while went deeper and deeper into it.  Snappy, struggling to focus and keep my cool, and VERY irritable. Nothing particularly on my mind, but just had no tolerance for anything at all. Noises especially today have really wound me up.  I had a nice walk in the sun with Ann before work, try and get some of those endorphins flowing, then came home to relax before work. Nope, not happening, just getting wound up tighter. 

After another conversation with another couple of friends, I thought I would re-run an ASD screening test I have done before. Recalling the score, I thought it would be interesting to see where I scored now. As I went through the questions, it is incredible how many things you realise "trigger" you. Reading scenarios, then taking a moment to honestly answer the question. Not the "yeah yeah I am fine", but really being honest with myself. As I said before it is nice to pretend that you can do anything, but "coping" with something is not the same as being able to simply do something. 

Similar to being asked by the GP yesterday if I could go to the shops OK, and first saying "well yes", then realising I shop at off peak times, generally prefer smaller stores, always use self checkout to avoid interaction and so on... So, nope, I CAN go to the shops, but it is NOT easy. So today answering the questions on the assessment I thought I would allow the same thought process to take place. I learned something for sure! I am NOT OK !

By the end of the test, I scored quite highly, well into the "severe" score range, and displayed multiple strong signs of ASD. Then to the "what next" section. Well of course this was done on a private companies website, so there were places to enquire, but also some helpful pointers on who to speak to and where to find help. Like I say, this is not the first time considering ASD, so I have some ideas of what is out there. The wait for the NHS last time I checked was somewhere in the region of two years for assessment. While private clinics such as this one have much shorter waiting lists, but come with a price tag of around £2,000.

So now I am left wondering what to do next. The idea of ASD is not a simple and convenient one for me. But as I have said to others in the past, the more I have learned about it, and the more I look back over my life, the more it would make sense. Will it change anything, not really. I am not looking to "cure" my anxiety as such, not turn my life around. I like who I am, and how I live, label or not. But it would answer some questions I have asked myself, especially about my upbringing and earlier years. It would help me convey to others what I struggle to do, why, and what they can do to help me. And of course it would make me cool.... OK I am lying about that one, but there is nothing wrong with knowing what is going on inside the grey matter.

Like I say, it doesn't change anything fundamentally for me, life goes on. But it helps with the frustrations of life when you struggle being on a busy train, around strangers, or some days just want to be left alone for a bit.  Like today. Not to an extreme, but it has taken me a few hours of being at my desk working to start to feel balanced in any way. The first couple of hours, trying to do quite simple tasks of comparing data fields on documents, focusing on an issue to resolve it, or just typing in a phone number required exhausting amounts of concentration. To a point of "arrrgh I can't do this" and wanting to just call it a day. Moment like that are usually the catalyst to a much bigger and longer episode. But thankfully in the peace and quiet of an office, on my own, I was able to work my way through it, and feel much better in my mind this evening. There is hope! 

Using today as an example, this is what I was trying to touch on yesterday. An anxiety disorder, triggered by stressful situations, being in an uncomfortable environment is one thing. However today was not triggered in any way. I slept OK, and simply woke up feeling like I needed space, fresh air, and some time out. So there probably is more to it than straight forward socially triggered anxiety. And with that in mind, that is why I was so torn about starting the medication straight away, or waiting for some more questions to be answered, and more things to become apparent. If I had started the meds yesterday, one of the side effects is heightened anxiety for a while, and today would simply have been put down to that, and nothing else. 

Instead, I have had the head-space to consider opinions of others. And that is actually quite important. To have the honest and frank opinions of others, as it is so hard to see sometimes how your behaviours actually appear. From time to time I will catch myself acting differently due to how I am feeling, but most of the time it is more likely others can tell you more about your behaviours than you can yourself. So I am very grateful to have such people around me, and encourage anyone who thinks they have something of benefit to say to let me know. No offence will be taken I promise. Unless you are being a bit of a twat, in which case, expect as good as you gave. 

So now with the test results, the comments and opinions of others around me, some of whom are in a very educated position to form such opinions, when I see the doctor next I can raise the question of ASD screening, without feeling like I am clutching at straws, searching for a label, or just trying to find more and more excuses as to why I should continue to work from home.  Where it goes from there, who knows. I am sure there is a long long waiting list, and one which will not be in my favour with work related matters. However at least having had the conversation and been referred for screening, or indeed considering paying to go the private route may help in all walks of life. Time will tell. 

Thanks as always for reading a long ramble, and a special thanks to those who have taken the time to reach out, share their thoughts and opinions, and give me a little bit of hope and direction.

 

Til next time...

Published on Leave a comment on To medicate, or not to medicate….

Not my first rodeo with anti anxiety, anti depressant meds, so that is not an issue as such for me. When the time is right, needs must, and I have no issue with taking such medications to help. But is that time now?

I am getting ahead of myself here, the last thing I said was I was going to speak to the doctors. Well, that appointment has come and gone. Much to my delight the conversation was relaxed and open, and I felt I was able to express myself clearly. More importantly I felt I was listened to throughout, and the doctor understood where I was coming from. Ironically 2 hours before the appointment I received a call from the surgery informing me that the appointment would now be on the phone as the doctor was working from home! Alright for some eh. 

I discussed how I have been anxiety "free" for a long while now, and how Covid times have shown me there is a way to do my job, and be in a good place mentally too. And that even starting to process returning to an office environment has thrown me into a tailspin, and it is affecting me. I said I have always been bad in public spaces, or crowded environments, and do much better alone or in controllable spaces. From there we moved onto the more general aspect of the issue, and the social anxiety.

Her feelings on the matter were two fold. Firstly recognising that this new episode is triggered by the fear of being back in a space I can't control, and that this has until now been avoidable with no impact to my ability to do my job, or work for a living in general. And that secondly she would like to try and improve my general wellbeing in all walks of life, by getting me help for my "anxiety disorder". Her suggestions being using medication to control the anxiety, and counselling to address the social aspect of it, and help me find ways of improving my state of mind in such settings.

We also discussed moving forward with matters at work, and how I can go about addressing my anxiousness about being in an office again. Going back over how things were before Covid, and how I have over the years learned ways to "cope" with the anxiety it caused me, rather than overcome it and feel normal at the end of a working day. Touching on how mentally exhausted I get when in uncomfortable situations. Using all my mental energy to appear and function as "normal", and when the curtain falls, just crashing and being left exhausted, and totally drained. Not to mention feeling edgy and in a foul mood. Repeat that on a daily basis, and the cycle is, wake up OK, interact with partner and friends, go to work, be drained of all your will to live, come home and be an utter arsehole until you go to sleep....Repeat...

Some would say I am not that bad, or too cranky etc, but even that alone takes all my reserves to maintain. Being aware that you are behaving like a bit of an arse is really upsetting. So you are then left with two options. Hide away, or draw on your final reserve of mental strength to at least be likable. It is a really hard one to explain, everything feels so fake. Oh look, its people, slap that smile on, crack a joke or two and reply to "how are you" with a very plastic "yeah yeah good thanks". Rather than, "well to be honest dying inside right now, this is exhausting the shit out of me".

Having spent so many years with multiple personas (not split personality), switching at will to suit the audience, I have become very self aware, and know the second I am starting to be "fake" . And let me tell you, being fake has an energy burn 10x higher than just ticking along being me. To put it in physical terms, as some people only understand those, think of the difference you feel between walking at a nice sedate pace, and running flat out as fast as you can. Heart rate rises, body temp sky rockets, muscles tense, and energy rapidly drains from your body. Now imagine feeling like that, while still just walking along. It would be alarming right? Welcome to my anxiety mind!

So, here we are, post appointment. Diagnosis "Anxiety disorder", treatment, counselling and medication, prognosis hopeful but too soon to tell. I have sent off my referral to the Mental Health service providers locally, and await to hear back with any sort of waiting time, and suggestion of treatment. I have informed my work of the outcome, and await hearing if there is any intervention at this stage, and I have collected my medication from the pharmacy.

The last two are the important factors here. Work, I am sure there is no need for any intervention at this point for a number of reasons. Firstly there is no official 30 day notice period given to return to the office yet. Just the pre-notice notice, if that makes sense. In the meantime we all await to hear if there is a chance of overturning the decision to end WFH. And secondly, at this point the anxiety has not affected my work. While working from home I am still able to function OK, but can honestly say that my focus and concentration has taken a huge hit, as I have touched on before.  If and when work are to do anything, it will be a referral to the Occupational Health service, to assess my ability to carry out my job, and see if they agree with the GP. The GP has said they are more than happy to work with the OH to make sure the best and most suitable arrangements are made, to allow me to work, while managing my well-being. 

The second factor being the medication, and the point of this blog entry. So the deciding factors here are a bit of a mess, hence blogging to try and make sense of it. Bear with me here. 

My need to go down this whole road, to me at least, has been the anxiety triggered by the knowledge of the request to return to the office coming. Until that point I have felt better than I have ever been before. Sure there have been moments of avoidance and struggling with socialising away from work. That is something I have always lived with, and chosen my battles carefully. Risk vs reward so to speak. Is the end goal worth the use of all my mental energy, feeling exhausted and edgy for the next day or two? As you can imagine there are not too many scenarios which warrant that result. The GP wants to tackle this aspect too, so the medication and counselling is to help with all walks of anxious life. OK, great.

Or is it? In general, I don't like being around a lot of people, fake people, talking shit, all in the name of looking good. No thanks, I will stick with the genuine people I actually like, people who know ME and not one of my personas, and that I can actually communicate with, without becoming exhausted. There is no denying that there is social anxiety for me in both settings, but one is far more manageable than the other. Do I feel the anxiety in the calmer setting needs addressing? Maybe! It would be nice to spend more time with people I like in a wider range of settings and environments, but do I want to medicate to do that? THAT is the question here.

The other half of the question, am I happy to medicate, and have to attend counselling to learn coping mechanisms to return to an office, to do a job I have done without fault for the past two and a half years from home? Well............... errm, no, not really! I appreciate I did it from an office before, but that was before WFH was even accepted as possible for my team, and before it necessitated us being at home to do our jobs, to enable the company to keep functioning through Covid. A change I was willing to make for my employer, at very short notice. A change which proved itself to be beneficial to the company on a number of fronts, and one which showed me that my mental health was SO much better away from an office environment. All very accidental. But when you discover a better method by accident, or through circumstances, do you change back because the old normal is the only right way?

If you commute to work by car and the main road you use is closed, and a diversion is set up. If the diversion it turns out it's a quicker route. When the main road opens again, do you go back to your old route? See where I am going with this? There is a new, proven route / work method, why deviate from it for the same of going back to the "good old ways"?

So now, while I wait to hear about the official line on WFH, if any appeal has been successful, or if indeed we will get our 30 days notice to return. Do I start the medication now, to primarily treat the anxiety caused by the news. Tolerate the side effects as the levels build up in my body, and possibly trigger worse anxiety in the short term, and maybe the need to take time off work anyway. Or do I wait for the outcome, and if it us unfavourable, and the notice is given, THEN start the process of taking the medication, at which point I feel it would be more than needed, as my anxiety will blow up? Feel free to share your thoughts.

I know the idea of the meds is to help with my social anxiety too, but right now, I don't want to take meds, and feel like I have been forced into this by matters at work. Which are the primary reason I am in this situation, and had this conversation with my GP in the first place.

Phew, that was a lot to get out of my little head. Thanks for reading. 

 

Published on Leave a comment on Double jeopardy !

That paradoxical moment when you realise how anxious you are getting about seeing your GP about your anxiety! Seeking help about a debilitating condition, but feeling almost incapable of having that conversation with the person who can actually help you. In fear of the reaction and response you will get from that person.  You really couldn't make this up. But thankfully it is not the first time feeling this way.

I know good trumps bad here, and that ultimately the doctor is there to help and guide me through this time. They have done it before and can do it again. Having run through this exact scenario at the RCGP many times in aid of helping students learn, you would think I would be well practised. Well in that regard I am, but it doesn't make doing for real any easier. 

There have been a couple of times over the last decade where I have felt that the GP and I didn't connect in the way necessary to build trust. I didn't feel comfortable enough explaining to the GP what I was honestly feeling, started to feel stupid, so popped the cork back in the bottle of emotions. That can really set me back. But fingers crossed this wont be the case today. 

The second part is when the GP asks you what YOU want them to do and help with. When doing this in scenarios, it almost felt stupid to be asked what you wanted. Especially if this was your first time feeling this way, you would not have a clue what you were going through, and what was wrong, let alone what was available to help you. But I get it... Once you understand that they don't all want to force meds or treatments on you, and are asking how you would like to tackle the issue, it makes more sense. If only there were an easier way of going about it. Maybe running options by you, expressing their preference and then asking if you would rather go a different way?

But here I go, already 3 steps ahead of the whole process, and I am not going for another 2 hours! I just want to relax a bit, and stop running doom scenarios, and stressing myself out more. But, if it were that easy, I would not need to see the doctor in the first place eh. 

What I want from today is to create a safety net, if things slip further, to have options and a plan in place. For when my mind can't quite do these things as well anymore. If I really start to spiral, to have considered that meds are the right way to go. If I need to take a time out, and take time off, so be it, and whatever happens after that be prearranged by me in a state of sound mind, so none of the decisions are knee jerk or irrational.

In my head I have thought through and discussed with myself the worst case scenarios re work. I know if it all goes wrong and gets too much, leaving IS an option, and not an irrational one. There is a plan there of what I would do next, how I would get by etc. More importantly though, there is a bigger more hopeful plan in place to not reach that stage. To find a way to move forwards, and not have any dramatic changes. Compromise can be found if both parties are willing. And seeing the GP today is the beginning, and works fine in either scenario.

So I guess what I am saying is, this is a necessary evil that I have to go through, and a conversation I am dreading, but must happen. The only unknown now, for the next 2 hours at least, is which doctor I will see, and what their attitude to mental health is.

If you are reading this after 14.30 on 27/07/22 then I have seen the GP now.

I am sure there will be another entry a bit later on, maybe today, maybe in a few days, depending what state of mind I leave the doctors in. 

Thanks for reading.

Published on Leave a comment on Lethargic, unfocused and headaches.

It has been a few days, and as the mood continues to dip, so do the energy levels. Earlier in the week I put the lethargy down to the high temperatures, but as the weather has returned to normal, and my sleep periods extended, the tiredness has really taken a hold. Lack of interest in getting up in the mornings, seemingly slipping towards the "just another half hour" of the days of depression. And even once up, unless I am fully engaged doing something, I quickly feel ready to sleep.

Another thing I have noticed is a long background headache. The past couple of days now, its just there nagging away, threatening to get worse. It's not dehydration, caffeine deficiency or anything like that. As usual my fluid levels are sky high, and my caffeine intake has not differed. It is more like a stress/ tension headache, which just doesn't want to give up. 

Speaking of tension, the lower back muscle tightness and pain still doesn't seem to want to ease up in any way, and it spreading into my shoulder and neck. Just feels like I am turning into a big ball of stress right now. Which in some respects is hardly surprising. The discomfort, combined with the tiredness I have been feeling are starting to leave me less and less able to focus on tasks. Instead becoming distracted by either symptoms, or starting to put things together in my head, and worry myself into a deeper state of stress and anxiety. 

I have the doctors in a couple of days time, and already that is starting to worry me too. Going over the consultation in my head over and over. What do I say, how do I explain why I think I am feeling this way. Will I sound bone idle and like I am trying to pull a fast one. What is deemed a "disability"? Dare I even utter those words? It just seems such a crass thing to say, when others around me suffer much more in different ways all the time. 

In reality, I am hoping I will see a decent doctor, who I will feel comfortable explaining my symptoms and situation to. Hopefully I will be able to discuss the past 15 or so years, and how I have slowly learned what I can and can't do. Periods on medication, total periods of depression and anxiety on record. And somehow get across how different the past two years have really been for me, until now anyway. 

In the meantime I am trying to keep up with my exercise, and stay active, to at least get a mental boost that way. But I can't deny being distracted while I exercise now. Morning runs and rides are thwarted with thoughts of "I might not be able to do this soon", which really kills the mood I have to say. Not to mention the back pain too, which kinda makes riding and running that bit more difficult. A 40 odd mile ride yesterday wasn't too bad, and thankfully I managed to lose myself for a bit. But by the end I was truly exhausted. A run this morning, first in a while was uncomfortable to say the least, pressure around the hips and pelvis from the muscle tension made it a bit miserable. 

One thing the ride yesterday helped me with though was reminding myself of the difference between mental and physical exhaustion. Are highlighting that what I am feeling at the moment, during a working day is mental exhaustion. My brain absolutely running at full speed, some on day to day work stuff, and the rest seems to be preoccupied and bunged up with worry and overthinking about what is going on, and what lays ahead. 

Boy oh boy, I am getting tired just thinking about it all to write this, so I am gonna go and write myself a list to take to the doctors with me on Wed. Part of me is hoping they don't suggest meds right now, but the other part realises that at times like this, I am not great at judging my own state of well-being, and have turned to a doctor for a reason. I think I would like to stay off meds at least until any discussion between my line manager, HR, and the seniors has taken place, but who am I to judge. 

Right now I am 99.9% positive it is the news of the return to the office that is the cause of this. Over 15-20 years of mental health issues, there have only been a handful of times I feel I can put my finger on the trigger. It always amused me before when I was asked by doctors, and I had no answer. On this occasion, I am pretty darn sure of it. Now I just have to wait and see what everyones opinions of my thoughts are, and how it is treated.


*sigh* Right, back to the real world. Thanks for reading. 

Published on Leave a comment on I have news, and had a meltdown.

And just like that, WFH was over!

OK, slightly exaggerating there maybe. However, the outcome of the meeting I blogged about the other day did indeed say that our workgroup is "not in the scope for WFH", and therefore must return to the office full time after a 30 day notice period.

To say my reaction to this news was bad would be a serious understatement to say the least. Sleep has gone out the window, constantly dwelling and over-thinking the decision. Mind filled with worry and genuine fear of the idea of returning to working from an office, and anxiety off the chart. To such an extent in fact, I have made a doctors appointment for next week to discuss it.

So much on my mind right now, I don't even know where to start, but will try at the beginning, to try and get some of this out of my head.

When you suffer with severe anxiety, it is not so much about curing, but learning to cope. Over the years I have removed myself from situations which cause me anxiety, becoming quite anti-social which is fine by me, avoiding unnecessary contact with people. Obviously avoiding work, unless having a serious bout of anxiety was never an option. So each time I recovered, I would make an effort, and learn ways to cope with the office environment. However, Covid changed everything.

With Covid, and the introduction of working from home, my life changed, for the better. Now I have to say, a lot of people saw the benefits such as being home for deliveries or work on the house. Childcare became easier for some, and many others saw a huge improvement in their work/home balance. No commute meaning time and money saved, and so on. But for me there was one other thing, a huge reduction in anxiety, and a massive improvement on my mental health. Seriously, you could measure it on so many metrics!

Better sleep, more relaxed mood, more engaging with others, healthier state of mind, almost no anxiety about issues at all. I have become fitter both mentally and physically. I have a better relationship because of it. I am able to deal with lifes little worries in my stride now, rather than falling apart about how I am going to pay a bill for example. I am a better me! And its all thanks to working from home. Plain and simple.

So to suddenly be told that it is coming to an end has thrown me into a tail spin. Was it ever said it was permanent, well no. But as time passed and there was talk about the new way of working, caring about peoples life balances, learning from having WFH, etc, it started to feel like it for sure. Of course, that is just an assumption, and a big one at that, so shame on me for hoping. But as groups started to find out their fates moving forward, people in groups which function similarly to ours were told they were at least working hybrid, so the assumption continued. Then BANG!

Knowing what lays ahead at least removes the uncertainty. But it also in turn replaces it with dread, fear and so much more. My mind is manic right now, concentration on simple tasks is impossible, to the point for example, cutting chicken for lunch earlier, I had to put the knife down, step away and take some breathes, to stop myself from frantically rushing, and possibly hurting myself. It sucks, and I hate feeling myself drop into this mindset. One which is all too familiar, and I know where it goes from here. The only way is down. 

Desperate to get a grip on things before it gets out of control and messy, I contacted my GP surgery today, to try and get an appointment. Of course they were all gone, but after a minute of speaking to reception, it was obviously clear to her that I was in a bad way, and she managed to get me in to see a doctor next week. This is really a situation I hoped I was over with now. Quite a while without seeing a GP about anxiety. In recent years my coping mechanisms were enabling me to work without too much drama. But WFH showed me just how much of a compromise I was making to do that. A level of compromise I cannot even imagine returning to. So much so, I am almost positive it will lead to an episode for me. 

The idea of speaking to the GP now, with the possibility of going back onto medication I have managed to stay off for a number of years now, just to be able to function normally enough to go back to working in my office. All while I have continued to be able to do my job for the last two and a half years, without issue, and in fact with increased productivity, just seems barbaric! If someone said to you "sure, just take this medication, and the job is yours".... Would you?

I know I am asking a lot, I know in a lot of cases people are asking to remain working from home for much more "trivial" reasons. I use that phrase with caution, as I appreciate we are all different, and our reasons are personal to us. Mine just happens to be a well documented mental health issue. Working from home has highlighted to me how much the "toxic" environment of an office was affecting me, even when I thought I was doing well. Only to discover how much better off I was mentally away from that environment. 

I have spent a few days now thinking things over, and trying to work out where my good place is mentally, and have come to the following conclusions.

  • I feel happier and safer working in an isolated environment. Be that a small office, or working in my home office. Preferably the latter. 
  • I am not adverse to being in larger groups to attend meetings, or training.
  • It is not about any person or individual, I simply don't do well around other people. 

This is not about being work shy, trying to have my cake and eat it, or any other head shaking, finger wagging reasons some might like to think up. This is about me being able to do a job I have done for over two decades now, one I enjoy very much. But without having to take medication to do it, and have a "normal" life. 

Without having ever known what it felt like to work from home, the idea of asking to be allowed to, and expecting mountains to be moved to facilitate me would have seemed like a bit of a stretch. But then along came Covid, forced the hand, and made changes no one could have anticipated. For some departments like the one I am in, on the surface it seems to have been a success. Sickness way down, productivity up, engagement up, communication up, and so on. So to upset the apple cart as a whole seems a bit counter intuitive. But on an individual basis, for me, is a cataclysmic blow to my life balance. 

By this point, some are starting to think I am being a bit over dramatic I am sure, and others noticing the repetition in the paragraphs, but it is with reason. Those thinking its dramatic simply do not understand the implications on day to day life living with severe anxiety has. And the repetition, well that is just to get my message across. I cannot even start to comprehend working back in the office with a group of people, without having a complete meltdown, and taking a huge dose of medication to numb my mind a bit.

What a great balance, taking medication, dulling my thought process, but being able to work, before coming home completely mentally drained from work, then starting all over again after a crap nights sleep.  

I have to say of course, that this is a fluid situation, and at this point I have NOT been given 30 days notice to return to the office. If this is to happen, it is estimated we will return for some time in September. In the meantime I have my GP appointment, have begun some online counselling with AXA provided by work, and have spoken to my manager and HR about my concerns. Which are in turn being addressed. 

With the disability act in mind, I have asked for some consideration to be given to my situation, and have been advised I will need to see Occupational Health for an assessment. I will also raise this with my GP. All I can do now is hope that my appeal is considered fairly, and that I can continue in my role, and without medication for the foreseeable future. 

Right, am back to find a cold damp rock to hide under until I hear more. In the meantime, thanks for reading this ramble. 

Published on Leave a comment on Does not compute!

I guess it's just the time of year more than anything, but my head is getting into a funk, more and more each day. Looking back I can see a pattern, winter, darker, gloomier days, and the mood to suit. Perfectly normal really, many of us are in the same predicament I am sure. Difference for me is, it is the catalyst for spiraling down into the doom and gloom of my mind. 

For years now this time of year has been horrible for me, going right back to losing contact with my daughter, and completely losing the Xmas spirit that goes with parenthood. So I am not sure if it stems from that, or just part of my normal mood swings these days. It was around Xmas of '98 I lost touch, so it seems obvious to me that Xmas would bring feelings of bitterness in general. But as the years have gone by, and I have enjoyed it less and less, there also seem to be parallels to the fakeness of the whole season. 

Commercialised rubbish, people feeling duty bound to say festive things, and be even more fake than usual. Having family, friends and relatives that you spend the whole year avoiding, thrust into your face. I struggle with people at the best of times, but at least when I do engage, it is with genuine people for good wholesome conversation and company. 

So here I am, the 2021 slump is here. The past few weeks, I have slowly lost a lot of my usual drive and motivations. Exercise is still alive and well, but I noticed last week I was pushing maybe a little too hard, so made an effort to back off a bit this week. Distraction is fine, destruction less so. I am at the point at the moment of stalling with the motivation to get going. This morning for example, I was meant to be observing a session with KCL, but the slightest opportunity to back out of it was enough of a temptation to cancel that. Instead opting for a run.

I haven't run as frequently as I have been of late, partially down to aches and pains, a little exhaustion, and mainly the change in the weather and mood. The idea of being out there puts me off. Although as I write this I realise it's not the weather at all. I have been running at about 7.30-8am recently, and that is school run and commute time. This means lots of people, which in my head equates to over thinking and over reacting, much as my last blog said.  So maybe, just maybe I need to get out earlier?

This time last year my sleep was terrible and I was out running at midnight, so I went into winter conscious of this, and keen to avoid disrupted sleep again, which is why I aimed for later. Hmmph, maybe 6am is a better idea? I think I need to experiment a little with timings. 

So that is one part of the issue I guess, the other is my head in general. Little patience, short tempered, easily distracted, lack of focus, the list goes on. Recently I have looked into what other than anxiety and depression could be contributing towards my state of mind. It's not a temporary thing, it is very much all year around, but sometimes exacerbated by external influences, such as time of year. The findings have been interesting to say the least, and the outcome of some of the tests equally interesting. I am not looking for a label, to belong, to fit in, nor an excuse for being the short tempered introvert I sometimes am. Just some understanding of it all, and to see if there are things I can do to try and make life a little easier for myself at times like this. 

Today for example, after avoiding the meeting, and going for a run, I thought I would come home, have a lay down and relax for a bit. So I hopped back in bed for half an hour. However, 5 mins into this half hour of rest, I decided I needed to wash my running gear, so got up and put a wash on. Then went to slump in front of the TV for a bit. But was distracted by dust on the cabinet, so got up and cleaned it. Returning to the sofa I decided the floor needed cleaning too so grabbed the hoover. While I have the hoover I might as well do the rest of the house, so I did. Returning to the sofa, now the dog hair on the throw was bothering me, so I took it to the garden to shake it off a bit. On the way back to the front room I thought, "sod it I might as well give it a wash". So stopped off in the kitchen, put my running gear on to dry, and the throw in for a wash... An hour later, and I managed to finish watching what I was watching, and have now put the 3rd load of washing on for the day.

Can you see the pattern I can? Obsessive behaviour created by the inability to focus and relax for 5 mins, in the fear of being left alone with my thoughts. Finally, I get to sit down, because it is time to work. Paid to be distracted for the afternoon, it almost feels like respite! 

It is this cycle (not the wash cycle) I am trying to learn to avoid, and train myself to spot early on. My anxiety is not always about being around people, but sometimes it's about being alone with my thoughts. My own mind is probably the most damaging thing to my mental state, and its own creations are usually my downfall. Whether it be spiraling out of control with premature anxiety about something that has not even happened yet, or dwelling and over thinking something that has already happened, and no amount of thought can change the outcome, my mind can do it all, and it is crippling.

I still to this day get caught up over thinking a situation that happened in 2016. Something I still to this day do not understand the reasoning for. No idea what I did wrong, but know the outcome and exclusion upset me to such an extent I can't let it go. Worse still is the thought of confronting the situation, and the subsequent discussion being even more damaging, and adding to the distress it already causes. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. There are many more things like this that I can't get my head around, but can't let go of either. 

In a rather cold way, I guess that is one of the reasons I have always been so "at ease" with death. It happens, it's final, you can't change it. Sure you never get to speak to that person again, but you know why, and you know you can't change it, end of. It seems such a crass thing to say I know, and realise it affects people so deeply at times, but maybe it is a blessing in disguise that I process it that way?

Every year I write blog entries like this, desperate to find an escape from myself, and every year I realise it is not going to happen. Am I depressed? By my definition, no. Certainly not to the extent and depths I know I can fall to anyway. So I try to see it from the normal perspective that it is cold out, not a lot of daylight, and normal activities are harder to do. So find other things to do, new things to focus on, and other more productive and healthy things to keep my mind occupied.

I guess what is present is anxiety. Anxious about my inability to cope with the simplest of things. Becoming overwhelmed at the drop of a hat, and at such insignificant things. Routine to me is everything. It is what keeps me functioning day to day. Breaks from that routine, even the slightest change can cause my day to crash and burn in a flash. Positive one moment, then dwelling the next about why I was not able to do what I wanted and had planned. My day off the other day a great example of this. I had planned to do a ride, but the weather said otherwise, therefore I had nothing to do, but sit at home with my thoughts, and from there it cascades like an avalanche. 

What I need to do is plan ahead, know what I am going to do when the seasons change in advance. Have a back up plan for my plans for days off, just in case. With that said, I have been thinking about getting a rowing machine for a while now, to mix up my training plan a bit, and work on the core a bit more. But as usual the world conspires against me (I joke, although it feels that way some times), and the prices have gone up, and availability gone away, so that has upset the balance for me too. My thinking is a rower is something to distract me, lower impact so I won't destroy myself on it, and will be a perfect option for breaking up the fitness routine, especially when the weather isn't playing ball.

Meh, this is dragging on isn't it? But as usual writing and thinking about what to write has answered some of my own questions to myself. Still I am left with many more. One day I will understand myself a little better, and hopefully a few days break over the Xmas period I hate so much will do me a little bit of good. Relax the mind, get some fresh air, and hit the reset button. Here's hoping anyway. 

Thanks for reading as ever, I am going off to think deeply again now, and hopefully get myself out of this funk a little bit. 

Published on Leave a comment on Phew, need to decompress!

Wow, what a wild week or so it has been. A lot of anxiety with the build up and preparation for returning to the RCGP in person. Booking parking, workout out travel plans, preparing myself mentally to be around so many people again, and running through scenarios. All so much, after a long period of being fully in control of my surroundings and situations. 

After some careful planning, I was lucky enough to find a parking spot, right on Euston Rd, just a few mins walk away from the RCGP, for a very reasonable £19 for the full day. I KNOW !! Bargain or what? Double the price of the train journey, but 1/10th the stress of the journey, and also enabled me to take things with me. In this case, running gear. Deciding to beat the traffic I aimed to arrive for 7am, get parked then head off to Regents Park for a morning run. Then head back to the car, grab a change of clothes, and get changed and freshened up at the RCGP. All went to plan thankfully, a nice 10k run helped me clear my mind of the usual pre session jitters.

Arriving at the RCGP and getting changed with minutes to spare was perfect for my mind. No time to wind myself up, just get my schedule, get my brain into gear, and away we go. Five morning sessions, five afternoon sessions, so quite taxing on the brain, but very little down time in between just keeps things flowing.

The first session or two went OK, the groups interacted well, some nice discussion after the scenario's were finished. A couple after that felt a little less enthusiastic, little engagement after the scenario, so felt a little bit clinical. With the last session of the morning done, I headed off to lunch, refuel, recharge and get my head back in the game. That said, exiting the RCGP onto Euston Rd, at lunch time is hardly the right setting to refocus. So I headed off to Coal Drops Yard. 

What a little sanctuary that place is. In the middle of town, but a couple of streets back from the madness of Euston Rd. Sitting by the canal, taking in the sights, and chowing down on some unhealthy Burger King for lunch, I was at last at one with my thoughts again. Reflecting on the session for a moment, taking time to digest how each group had made me feel, (and writing this now) made me realise how important to me coming out of role at the end of each consult is. If I have sufficient conversation after the scenario, discussing my own mental health, I seem to disengage with the situation a bit better, and it feels a little less "real". 

By that I mean, if you repeatedly go through a scenario, one which is a reflection of a real experience for you, eventually it begins to actually feel real, and current. For example, towards the end of the afternoon session I started to actually feel like I was having a proper consultation, and the answers to the question felt like I was speaking as if I was in a proper consultation regarding my concerns for my mental health. Coming away feeling as if I was about to take the first step of recovery all over again. Not a great place to be I have to say, especially when self induced. 

Obviously, dealing with these things is par for the course, and like any other issue, you first have to identify it. So at least that part is done. Now I guess is how to deal with it. On speaking to a couple of the tutors on Friday, they are open to how the session runs, and I have some input on it. My thinking here is for me to somehow find a way to create an air gap between expert patient me, and roll play me. Just to give my mind a little time to balance itself, and help be keep a clear line of what is real, and what I am role playing. Something to think about for sure. 

As ever, speaking to some of the students, it was nice to see how interested some are in psychology, and mental health in general, and also how naturally some of them dealt with the awkwardness and obstacles of a mental health consultation. I always find it interesting how the level of engagement can differ group to group, and indeed how this seems to be connected to their tutor for the day. Doing two circuits a day, I generally see 10 groups of students, with 5 tutors, so see each tutor twice per day. Within these sessions, I will tend to get similar levels of engagement from each of the groups with the same tutor. I shall explain, tutor 1 through to 5. If the groups with tutors 1, 3 and 4 are positive and engaging in the morning, the next groups with those tutors in the afternoon will be too. While 2 and 5 will be less so, both times. Does that make sense?? I feel like I am trying to explain my symptoms to a student now! 

Hearing how the tutors explain things to their groups is also interesting, and gives an insight into how interactions with GP's in general can differ. Some deeply compassionate, speaking of engagement, and empowering the patient. Others keen to make sure all the safeguarding issues are checked off ASAP, but feeling less involved somehow. None feel terrible, but some certainly feel more empathetic than others, and obviously that in turn rubs off and shapes the up and coming students in a small way. I have grown far more confident these days is disagreeing "as a patient" with things that are said, and making sure I explain how my experiences don't always gel with what is taught as standard. 

Time and time again we cover the stigma of certain topics, and I share my take on them, which of course is not the same for everyone. Mental health in itself has the biggest stigma attached to it, or at least it did have. Now it has another issue, but I will come back to that in a moment. The other stigma seems to be around asking patients certain questions, and how they are tip toed around. The main two being "do you use any recreational drugs" and "have you considered harming yourself or others". In the given situation, neither question should really be an issue these days. 

Recreational drugs are more prevalent in todays society than ever before. People openly use certain drugs, talk about them and ever seem to promote them in certain situations. Cannabis for example being popular to help with depression as well as other things. So being asked in a confidential environment if you have used anything like that really doesn't cause much embarrassment for many these days I would not have thought.

As for self harm, well.... Suicide is no longer something people are not aware of, or believe only affects a few people. It is common knowledge now that certain groups of vulnerable people in society are at much greater risk from thoughts of suicide. The word is used on TV, billboards, magazine and online advertising etc. It is not a forbidden word anymore, and should not be treated as one. I asked a number of the groups in post scenario conversation, could they ask their friends in general conversation if they had ever considered self harm. Most said they didn't see why not... To which I replied, "what's the difference then". Sure, you have a mentally vulnerable person in front of you, and you are trying to help them, but mentioning suicide is not going to encourage them to consider it, put ideas in their mind, or make it any more likely. If the thought is there, they may or may not tell you. I would think some would be relieved to tell someone that they are thinking that way. Someone who is finally listening and asking those questions.

Coming back around full circle, mental health has another issue these days, and it's not stigma anymore, it's "popularity". Once upon a time people didn't like to talk about anxiety and depression. Mothers coped with it in silence, fathers drank themselves under the table, and any other stereotypical coping mechanism story you can think of. Then of course there were the Prozac mums, around the 90's (guessing here) it seemed that it was the done thing to pop some pills, forget about your worries, and life in some cases. But now we have moved on a bit, and people actually identify having mental struggles, and seek help over it. In more recent times A-list celebs have also started to talk about their battles, and I think that is almost where the problem starts. 

At times, I really do believe that certain conditions, especially mental health and brain related, can be fashionable. Of course a rise in awareness will help some identify with certain conditions, however I get the feeling that some identify with the sense of belonging, more than the actual condition. Now I am in no position to tell anyone they are not struggling in any way. I have only my own experiences to guide me on my understanding of anxiety and depression. A couple of weeks ago I was privy to a session hearing about other conditions, and have to say I was somewhat humbled at hearing what others go through. So I am no expert on mental health at all. 

That said, sometimes when speaking to people, you get the "I know how you feel" line, or the "oh me too", followed by a story of a very basic negative experience, which somehow left them feeling a little bit let down. Nothing much more, and the conclusion of the story will probably confirm that later that evening, all was well again. A far cry from a simple experience triggering a few weeks of isolation, self loathing, and feeling of complete and utter rejection and failure. 

Of course, we are all individuals, and experience things differently, so one persons bump in the road is a catastrophic car crash of the mind for others. So I try not to judge. But sometimes, you just can't help but feel that there is SO much of a certain condition, just a short while after it became popular. Which in turn puts a massive load on the system, and drains resources away from those who need it the most. 

Every time I speak to a friend who has experienced the true lows of life and the mind first hand, I have a little more of a feeling of normality, and it is always nice to reflect with someone in the know, and compare experiences, to learn a little more, and gain a greater understanding of the whole situation. Being able to understand, and then take that back to groups such as the RCGP, and help others understand, just feels like some sort of validation for me. 

So.... as you can see, a quick 8 hour session at the RCGP gave me a lot to think about, and truly mentally exhausted me. Thankfully I had the foresight to book Monday off work also, so I would have a little more time and space to reset. Heading to the coast on Saturday, to let the wind howl in the hollow between my ears, and a long bike ride on Sunday just to get back into the rhythm of things. For my day off on Monday I decided to go for a nice half marathon distance run along the Thames Path. Switch off for a bit, and exhaust myself physically. It certainly seems to have done the trick. 

After a short bike ride with a friend yesterday I was all but spent, and decided today was a good day to do nothing. No training, no running, no cycling, just popped to the shops, and then did some work.  The rest of the week is a bit full on, but that is probably a good thing. Days like today remind me that I need to keep my mind occupied, as time alone with my thoughts is not always a good thing. In fact, writing this reminds me that regular blogging is also great exercise for me too. Something I need to do more of for sure.

 

Right, I will leave it there, I have already started rambling! 

Thanks for reading, and as ever, look after yourself, and look out for others.  

Published on Leave a comment on The “New Normal” is coming… (Pt 1)

It has been a long time since I last wrote an entry here, and for the most part I would put that down to the vastly improved state of mind I have had over the past year to 15 months. There have of course been lows, but nothing in comparison to what I would usually go through in my yearly rollercoaster ride of mental state. 

So much has happened in the past year, I really don't know where to start, so in no particular chronological order, I will break it down into pieces, and have a ramble. 

RCGP. I have been working with them again this year, helping medical students better understand the presentation, diagnosis, and treatment of anxiety and depression. It never ceases to amaze me how natural some are with the situation, and show genuine compassion. While others struggle a little, almost suffering from reverse stigma, and feeling uncomfortable about discussing someone elses mental health. It is those I hope to make an impression on the most. This years sessions have been very different, moving to online Teams consultations. Which in itself has taught me a lot about myself, whilst making life a whole lot more comfortable. Mainly because it avoids the commute into town to the RCGP, which in itself is hugely stressful for someone with social anxiety.

Working from home has been a complete game changer for me, I should have started with this really, as it could drag on, but here goes anyway. 

Being quite and introvert and socially anxious person, personal interactions with others can be quite draining. Over the past year or so, I have felt much more alert, and fresh throughout the working day. Not spending mental energy on social things that actually have no impact on my working day, and rather spending the extra energy I find myself with, getting stuck into projects at work. The physical aspect of getting to the office has never been an issue for me, in fact I enjoyed my daily 10 mile each way commute by bike, as it gave me time and space to prepare myself for the shift ahead. The more exhausting part was being in an office, and that was purely mental exhaustion.

That is just the tip of the iceberg for working from home for me. There are SO many pros, and at best a sprinkling of cons. Being able to work whatever hours the day demands is no longer a stress. Getting a call to say there is a sickness, or something is up and I am needed in ASAP, once meant rushing my routine (which is very important to me) and driving into work. This was always the start of a bad day. Now, the same call means walking into my home office and logging in. Be it for 5 mins, or the rest of the day, I am in effect "on call" whenever needed. 

As far as mental wellbeing goes, I can honestly say, in 15-16 months now, I have had one dip. It lasted about a week, I had a lot going on at home too at the time, and at worst it meant a slight lack of focus for me, nothing more. Even through the winter months, which we have effectively had 2 cycles of during WFH now, I have been much better than I can ever recall being in many years gone by. The much expected low simply hasn't arrived. I have no doubt in my mind whatsoever, that working from home has been the key to this massive shift for me. 

Although as I write this, I am more than aware that the end of June is just over a month away. This is the date for the next "checkpoint" for the UK Government, and indeed my employer to consider, and detail the next stages of what is to come for the "new normal". This in itself has probably wobbled me more than anything in the past year or more. The uncertainty of what comes next. Will it be all back to the office, will there be a choice? Flexible working from home and office throughout the week has been mentioned. As has the "choice" of home or office. Personally, for me, home is the best way, and the only way I can stay on this level. 

I know it is expecting way too much, and it is far from a demand. Having worked for the company for over 20 years now, I know how important oversight is for management, and appreciate the trust put in us to work from home, and be trusted to go the best possible job we can. But you cannot ignore the fact that during the pandemic, while it has suited, it has been OK. The idea for certain departments to work from home in the past was simply out of the question, and not a discussion even worth starting. However I think, if the recent events have shown us anything, it is that it IS possible, and the outcome is probably more a more productive, coercive workgroup.

I think it is clear from the paragraphs above, what my feelings are on returning to an office environment. I simply don't want to. I am happy to be checked up on, visited at home, or whatever other measures are required to keep me safe and alone in my home office. Which I have to say is a lot better equipped than my office based desk was. Mainly through buying things at my own expense, but something I am quite happy to do in the longterm. Heck I would even consider a pay freeze for a while, How's that for an offer?

Anyway, enough about working from home, for now at least.

In other areas of life, the fresher state of mind for me has allowed me to look after myself physically too. Cutting out a lot of the junk food, which was mainly whilst in the office at work. Taking the time I would have spent commuting to take better care of myself. Getting back into running has been huge for me. Since Xmas I have gone from doing Couch to 5K, to running a half marathon distance. A distance I have never achieved before, so to day I am feeling good is an understatement. That on top of working out, and still getting as much cycling done as I can, and that all rounds up to another huge tick in the box for this new normal.

I think one of the strangest parts of the whole thing has been the social isolation. Something I crave most of the time, suddenly became something everyone was doing. No longer was it a fight to get personal space, in fact it was insisted upon. It has been quite incredible, and I know that there have been other friends of mine who have found it equally as much of a relief.  That is not to say the isolation for many has not been crippling. 

I am not going to sit here, and selfishly say how great things have been. The pandemic has been horrific on so many levels. Losing loved ones to a cruel virus, being kept apart from those we crave to be with, for long durations, business collapses and so many other horrible effects from it all. The pandemic is not one of those things this generation will ever forget. But on the flip side, some people learned what it is like to feel detached from society, unable to engage, as much as you would love to. A greater understanding has been found of what social anxiety feels like. In this case, afraid to go out in case of catching the virus, but to many like me, the same anxiety is found simply by going out and interacting with others, even when they are perfectly healthy, and of no threat.

OK, my brain is a little fried from this sudden outburst of expression, so I am going to leave it there for now. But will come back to this soon, and carry on my catch up on how things are. 

Thanks as ever for reading.

Take care

Published on Leave a comment on This time yesterday…

Thinking back 24 hours, my head was in a totally different place. With the past couple of weeks taking their toll, and having no outlet, things were starting to boil over. Since writing that blog entry and clearing my head a little of all the issues that were weighing me down, things have been much nicer. 

Just getting into bed now, I feel lighter (if only I felt that way physically too!) with less weight in my shoulders, less pressure on my mind. I feel I am more able to relax. Work today was much easier, able to focus on things and, and multi-task where I needed to. It is truly amazing how much difference a little pressure makes our lives. 

I am already preparing my mind to unwind and let go of all the stresses of the day, so here's to a good night's sleep. 

On a side note, my hayfever has been a lot better today too, which also has tremendous bearing on my state of body and mind. Just going back through some data, and over the past week, my resting heart rate has increased by 1bpm per day. Today it went back down a couple. So again, a small contributing factor to the whole well being situation. 

I have chatted with some great people today, a bit of banter, a little in depth conversation, just the right balance to help see things from a valid perspective, rather than one of a heightened and stressed view. 

I know for sure I want to get out on a bike again soon. Maybe just a little solo spin to get my mono back. My anxiety is doing a great job of making me want to avoid the majority of the human race right now, so won't push that one too hard any time soon. 

So here goes, lights out, relaxing sounds turned on, and maybe the fan for some background notice and cool air. 

Night night. 

Oh, PS.. I haven't forgotten about weight. Work in progress. 

Published on Leave a comment on Which came first, the spiral or the doubt?

With so much going on in the world recently, and a somewhat intense 2020 so far, it is easy to lose track of oneself. Usually self help checks keep me on my game, but with time taken on other more pressing matters than my own well-being, it has been a time where I have let things slip. And now I am left wondering just how much has slipped by un-noticed. 

At the start of the year, after getting my head back out of the sand from Xmas and all that comes with that, we moved straight on to the first event of the year being the trip to Svalbard. As I am sure most are aware, Ann (my better half) suffered a somewhat catastrophic accident in the first few days there, resulting in an airlift, a trip to the hospital, emergency flights home, and being operated on and hospitalised within days of arrival back in the UK. The road to recovery is long, and the first month or so of that was very intense. So naturally, and completely unbegrudgingly, I got stuck in, and focused on her recovery.

At the same time, my chest had been bad prior to the trip to Svalbard, so I had not been cycling to work as usual, but instead driving. So on my return to work, and keen to spend as much time at home caring for Ann, I chose to continue to drive to and from work. I have to say by this point I was getting a bit lazy anyway, so it was a great excuse. 

Now cycling for me has always been a good escape, a chance to think, burn calories, and breaaaathe!! So three months in to the year and no cycling, well that's not good!

Mid to late March, and Covid-19 became a reality, so in a last minute rush, a work from home scheme was set up, so commuting on the bike became unnecessary, so even less opportunity or inclination to ride a bike. It's not going well at all. Needless to say, we all know how things went from there. UK lockdown, restrictions on activity and being outdoors, as well as an extra nudge from my wonderful introvert mind, and that was me done with going out.

A few attempts have been made along the way. In March just before lockdown I managed one single ride on the new bike in Richmond with Jason, then that was me done with outdoors. So, onto the trainer, and for a few weeks I got stuck in with Zwift, then a few things happened and interest started to fade again. Next up, running. By this point I am more than aware I am gaining weight, eating crap and not doing enough activity to balance not only my mind, but also my body. More weight piling on, and less and less inclination to do anything about it. 

Now here we are in early June. More weight gained, all efforts and activities have completely ceased now, my interest is near rock bottom, but my frustration is through the roof. Once again fat, a noticeable change in my resting heart rate, I feel heavy and slow, and a huge part of me is struggling to get back on my feet. But that tiny powerful little part of my mind won't let me. Am I making excuses, and I getting too old for this "get fit" shit? 

I will go with the former for the majority of it, it's just in my head, and I am just making excuses. Sure, I was going to give P90X another go, but by week 4 I was struggling with recovery, starting to skip sessions or part of, and really fighting to find the willpower to push through the discomfort. Partially because I know previously discomfort has led to long term pain, not something I want to repeat right now, especially with restrictions on physical treatments. 

Sleep is suffering, falling asleep in pain and discomfort, and waking the same way, day after day. It's not how I like living my life, and I am desperate for a change. But without the motivation, and willpower to drive me, I am at a total loss on how to do this. In the past it has been a challenge to myself, prove something great, and achieve something greater. Right now it just seems like too much effort for not enough reward, and my mind just shuts me down as soon as I start thinking about it. 

I don't want greatness, I don't want the bulk of the past, I just want to be healthier, and feel it both mentally and physically. 

Deep inside, I know my lack of cycling is not helping at all, in fact it is one of the huge contributors towards how I am feeling right now. But with a "bottom of the pile" feeling, similar to how I felt on the first couple of days of London to Amsterdam, there is bugger all motivating me to get on a bike right now. Sure I have the trainer, but in this case it's just not the same. I need physical exhaustion to help settle me, but I need air and freedom too. But outside, isn't where I want to be right now, and people are my kryptonite. So I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. All that bulk I have put on probably isn't helping me struggle my fat arse free!

So as I sit here late at night, after an evening of watching Titan Games, making me want to try harder, and overcome my negativity, and watching dream bike builds, hoping to inspire my love and desire to get back on my bike, I am left feeling a little lost.

Am I spiralling here, am I off back down the rabbit hole? Or am I simply just over thinking everything, living in fear of depression, dragged down by all the negativity around at the moment, and just fighting to find my footing. I have the mental power to break free of this, I have done it before, I can do it again. But before I can push, I need to know what I am fighting, who is my enemy here exactly? 

I want to believe, that it is just a serious bout of self doubt, and that I just need to sort my shit out. Overcoming self doubt just needs one good hard push in the right direction, however I have no plan, so no direction at the moment. I have a home gym, I have road bikes, a gravel bike, running shoes. I am literally out of excuses, yet somehow keep finding them.

What I need is a plan, and a good one. Structure, direction, a vague goal, and motivation to keep me going so I can achieve what I want and need to. So now what? What do I do? How do I do this?

I am totally at a loss, and struggling.....Something needs to change!