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Tag: anxiety

Published on Leave a comment on Everything’s a trigger!

Riding home from work one evening this week, something suddenly came to me. A moment of clarity, a rare thing these days! Triggers! What are they, and starts my anxious mind spinning. 

Whilst having a late night Netflix binge at the start of the week, I got watching "Your Mind, Explained". A series of shorts I have to recommend, especially for anyone trying to get to grips with any mental health issues.  One episode in particular resonated with me, surprise, surprise it was the one about Anxiety. In a couple of minutes, with a couple of simple diagrams, the process which causes anxiety to be an issue is explained brilliantly.

To recap, anxiety is a natural feeling, which is why everyone at some point refers to moments of anxiety. From remembering to doing things before leaving home, to triggers which help up make decisions in the blink of an eye (cross or don't cross the road etc), identifying danger, using our past experiences, or things we have learned growing up. Anxiety is a necessary process to keep us safe and functioning. 

The problem arises when that process is used irrationally, albeit unintentionally. There is a time and place for genuine anxiety. Most will know the unwanted kind which tends to pop up when you are in a new environment, or in a situation which could change things for you, exams etc. This is usually a short lived thing, but it triggers all sorts of physical actions. Upset stomach, dry mouth, you know, all those things which you really don't need right there and then. 

For others, these moments are all too frequent, and triggered by what most would deem the most insignificant of events. Getting on a crowded train or bus for example. For me, this can be complete hell, for most it is just an unwanted situation, but one you will get through with little more than a little reluctance. 

As I was taught by Netflix, this is Social Anxiety, and quite simply, it is the feeling of being judged and watched by everyone around you. Fearing that you are not worthy, not wanted, or just don't fit in. Simple eye contact can turn into a fast spinning whirlwind of panic. Of course, eye contact is something 95% of people avoid in confined spaces anyway, which is demonstrated by our love of phones, games consoles, and newspapers when using public transport. Not to mention my two favourites, headphones and sunglasses. 

Then there is the sort of anxiety I noticed on the ride home, and a far more common one for me. Situational anxiety. Have you ever had a confrontation with someone, and found yourself replaying it in your head? The confrontation lasted 30 seconds, a quick exchange of words, and it's over. But for you, in your mind, the next 20-30 mins are spent dwelling on it. Replaying it, rethinking what you could have, or should have said or done? I am guessing at that time period, as for me, it can last a few hours or a few days. I kid you not. Revisiting the situation, going through the whole thing from start to finish, examining what was said by the other party, exploring what could have been meant by every word. Wondering what that person is thinking or saying about you, how could you have handled it differently. Wondering if they are even bothered about it, or simply moved on. 

An exchange on social media last week is a great example of that. And for the few words that were said, their meaning was chewed over for a couple of days at least. With the intentions towards me,  of the person saying them mulled over too. 

Anyway, back to the ride... 

Riding along a quiet road, decent pace, I noticed a few young lads by the side of the road throwing conkers at each other. From about 50-100 metres away I could see what they were doing. Playful, laughing, no aggression.  However as I got closer I started thinking they might throw something at me as I passed. A lone cyclist, quiet road, I mean, why not, that's what kids do, right. 

Now I KNOW this isn't what all kids do, and I know it is completely irrational to assume something would happen, but that is how this mind works. So now I am getting tense. Remember this is all happening within 50-100 metres at about 20mph! Getting closer I can feel my grip on the bars increasing, shoulders tensing, waiting, preparing for something to be thrown my way. 

Will it hit me, will something bounce on the ground near me, will it make me fall off or wobble. Just the one or multiple, if they do, should I stop, should I just shout, maybe just ride on. If I stop or shout, what do I say, do I swear and become immediately aggressive, laugh it off, turn around and confront them. 

If I say something, what if they reply, would it turn physical, 3 onto 1, confronting is a bad idea, but why should they get away with it... And so on.
10 seconds later, I have passed them, stiff as a board, stressed as I can possibly be. Breathing out for the first time since seeing them.... NOTHING! They are still messing about, play fighting among each other, probably didn't even see me pass by. A few deep breaths, the cycle of anxiety broken this time around, and I carry on on my way home. 

Within a minute of this happening, my mind is busy, writing this blog entry in my head. It's a breakthrough! Finally I have a perfect example of how the anxious mind works, and how quickly normality can become hell for some people. Similar cycles pop up repeatedly for the remainder of the ride home, and every ride which has any kind of interaction or even just potential interaction with people along the way.

Now imagine that thought process, almost ever present, ready to leap out at you and start spinning. Any situation is a potential trigger, it just takes the wrong word, look, or environment for it all to start spinning. Shopping, travelling, driving, the list is endless. And the list is very different for different people. 

So finally after almost a week, here I am writing this, hoping that it once again strikes a chord with one or two people out there, and makes some sense of what they are feeling. Or in some cases, makes it easier for others to understand how some peoples minds works. 

Anxiety and avoidance go hand in hand for this exact reason. It is not the fear of the activity or event, not the lack of will to participate. But instead the fear of the unknown, unplanned, unforseen. Being unprepared for a situation which might arise, and the subsequent spiral of thoughts it will induce. 

Meeting a stranger for the first time. I can outwardly appear fine about it. My natural defences will help me fight through the situation with some dark humour, a little laughter and finding a way to speed my way through the encounter. Like a duck in water, on the surface, all seems calm, I am gliding along through the conversation or situation. But below the surface, all hell is breaking loose. Legs kicking like crazy, struggling to stay afloat and present.

While I may glide through a situation with apparent ease. By the end of it I am absolutely exhausted and drained. Needing some me time to recharge, regroup, before I can even contemplate being in a similar situation. The natural ability to fight through a situation can become a serious drain on the mind, and if put in a situation too many times, in too short a period of time, can lead to a complete shutdown. 

This is something I try and avoid putting myself through. So if ever you see me being quiet, doing my own thing, not being too chatty or getting into big conversations, that is more than likely all that is going on with me. The same I would guess would apply to some others too. 

To put it into context, when the average person has a physically exhausting day, it is nice to put your feet up in the evening. When the same person has a long week, it is nice for them to take the weekend to themselves to get their energy back. When you do that for too long without a good enough rest, you become weak, exhausted, and unable to function correctly..

Welcome to my mind.... It is exactly the same, you just can't see the soreness, or massage it away. It just takes time. 

Phew, speaking of exhaustion... For once, it is physical for me, and that is a nice feeling. Doesn't mean I will sleep any better, but it is nice to physically feel recovery once in a while.

Speaking of sleeping, before I go... YOGA!

I blogged about relaxation the other day, with James and his reflexology being one way to recharge. At the moment yoga is my thing. Spending time with yourself, relaxing the mind while working the body hard, all in the privacy of my home, and not moving an inch. The best part being, with no risk of encountering anyone in the process. 30 minutes of a near state of meditation is an amazing thing, and something I am really benefiting from. So if you get a chance, relax, be at one with yourself, and take some time out to relax your mind. 

A few deep breaths here, and I am done.... 

Namaste 

Published on Leave a comment on Teeth grinding, fist clenching anxiety!

Phew, that has been one heck of a week to say the least. Sitting here at the kitchen table at gone 10pm on a Sunday night, dogs by my side, just taking a breather, and trying to clear my head of what has been a pretty bloody horrible week.

Don't get me wrong, there have been some fantastic moments this week, as there always are, but I think they have been over shadowed by my mind and my mood. Not quite sure what set it all off, but the end of last week was the beginning of a bit of a spiral for me, and I have been trying to shake it all week. 

Recognising something has been up has been massive for me. It always helps me fight back a little, and not take things too much to heart. But as the week has gone on, it has gotten harder and harder to get away from the obvious. I was seriously anxious. 

There has been nothing to be really anxious about, good weather, yoga in the mornings has been a good start to the days. Cycling as always has been a great escape from the stress. Lowering my energy before work, blowing off the steam at the end of the day. Riding has actually been feeling really good in fact, with the core work paying off a bit, I have been really enjoying attacking some of the sections on the way home. But still the feeling remained. 

Either way, as the next work week appears on the horizon, I am hoping I have shaken the worst of it, and a good session in the morning will get my head back in the game. You can't rush things, and I am not kidding myself that I will wake up tomorrow back on top. But I can hope right, and by hoping I mean I can be positive, and look up not down.

Teeth aching, jaw tired, fingers sore, all great signs that I have been stressed this week. For once, the avoidance has not been present, and the tiredness has not appeared, but where there is anxiety, there are signs, and this time around, those are the indicators that have made it obvious I need to take some action. 

I have been keeping my head low where I can, steering clear of awkward situations, and trying to have some time to myself wherever possible. Cuddles at night on the floor with the dogs, Kallik is my little comfort dog of the moment, gives great cuddles. So all in all, it has been an uneventful episode of anxiety. But it just goes to show, even when nothing is going wrong, even when all is well, the shadows can start to appear, and your mood can take a dive. 

The importance of realising this can happen is always highlighted to me by the sessions at the RCGP, with the questions asked to steer towards a diagnosis of anxiety. Recent changes in life, physical changes, or any other obvious triggers are not always present when anxiety comes knocking. So for some, it is important to recognise and identify it yourself, rather than relying on the confirmation from others.

This isn't the blog I originally set out to write, so I am gonna wrap this up here, and keep my fingers crossed that next week is a bit of an up week for me. In the meantime, I am going to delve into my mind, and see if I can write the entry I planned on writing since Wednesday!

Wish me luck...

2

Published on 2 Comments on Return to the RCGP (2019)

You may recall last year I did a few sessions with the Royal College of General Practitioners in Central London. Working as an "expert patient", I assist with role play scenarios, giving the students the chance to interview, assess and mock treat me.  For anyone not in the know, I have a long history of anxiety and depression, and was asked by my local GP if I would be interested in helping with teach the future generation of GP's better understand the conditions by doing these sessions. 

So, after last year, I thought it was all over with, and heard that there would be no more session. However to my delight and surprise I received an invite a couple of months back, to do a session in September 2019. Needless to say, I booked the time off work, and last Friday I went along. 

I should say before I go on, that these days in the past have proven to be quite mentally exhausting. With the travelling at peak times, to Central London, then doing 8-10 sittings with students, re-enacting the presentation of the condition, it all starts to become a little too real by the end of it all. So facing rush-hour on the way back home, can sometimes be almost a step too far. 

With this in mind, for this session I decided to switch things up a bit. Rather than presenting with anxiety, which is quite a high energy feeling, I decided to go with depression this time. Strange as it sounds, and in no way saying it is easier to cope with, the energy needed to present as depressed is far lower, so far less taxing on the mind. With 10 sessions to do on this day, it was the right decision. It probably worked out better for the students too, as this was their first few weeks as Year 3 students, and many have not even touched on mental health. Win win you might call it. 

Seeing the difference in reactions between the groups of students, presented with something that has no physical manifestation to examine was quite interesting, and secretly a little amusing. Their faces as the presentation started showed a fresh thought process was  underway. Each time I presented I would switch up the language used, the prompts given, and the assistance with the flow of the situation. I was delighted to see that none of the students felt they were entirely comfortable or confident in running through the whole scenario without the assistance of their colleagues and tutor who were all in the room. Not to proud to ask for a time out and see what others thought, very refreshing. 

To help matters along, my own state of mind was good this time. In the past I have wound myself up about the whole event, and started the day on a downward spiral, and finishing the day a lot lower than I started. On this day, due to good self management, finding my own time and space, and a smooth running session, all was well. For the first time, I didn't stay in for lunch, but instead opted for the fresh air and scenery of Tottenham Court Road. Not wanting to get caught out with a low battery on the phone, I had taken a portable power bank with me. Complete with the WRONG USB lead! £15 for a USB type C lead was somewhat upsetting, but needs must, and it kept me sane, so money well spent... I guess!

By the end of the day, I was fresh as a daisy, and ready to do battle with the commuters on the way home. Luckily for me, we were out a little before the main event of Friday rush hour in London begun, so by the time I got to Highbury and Islington for my train home, a seat awaited me. It was nice to be on a train at the start of a journey for once, and get a seat, while seeing others stand as they got on later into the journey, boarding at stations I have joined at in the past while commuting.

While at the RCGP, I connected with a few new people, one of which who co-ordinates other similar role play days for students etc, so I am hoping to hear back from her, and see if I can offer any help on other matters in due course.  I have been quite slack in my drive to help others fighting mental health issues, for numerous reasons, none of which are particularly astounding or worthy, so it feels good to have done another one of these sessions, to at least do a little bit to help. 

Til next time... Take care all. 

 

4

Published on 4 Comments on Mind over matter

Such a simple saying, but one that is used a lot. Simple phrase, simple meaning, but also very profound at times. 

Don't talk yourself out of something, believe in yourself, your barrier is your mind, not your body. Just a few of the breakdowns of what it all actually means. From something as simple as cooking a new dish, to learning to drive a car, we all have our inhibitions about something in life. For some of us, overcoming that is a simple act of taking a deep breath, and simply giving it a go. For others, the process is far from simple. 

"Just give is a go, what's the worst that can happen". Fantastic line to prompt someone who just needs a push in the right direction. Terrifying challenge for someone already beginning their spiral of anxiety about something. 

"What's the worst that can happen?" That is challenging asking an anxious overthinking to dream up the worst possible scenarios, and terrify themselves completely out of contemplation of the objective ahead. 

Speaking to friends last night, it was refreshing to hear how well some people understand the concepts of what goes on in the mind of an anxious or depressed person. What most fail to understand is, while "mind over matter" is indeed the case for most, for some of us it is more "subconscious mind, over mind, over matter".
Consciously, you can have all the will in the world, and talk a great game. Your desire to achieve something can be huge, but that doubt, those voices... Well, they just are not going to let you go for it.

Like the old adage of the angel and devil on opposing shoulders, battling it out, whispering in your ear, "do it, don't do it".. Sometimes the simplest of decisions can be a real battle. 

Last week while in mainland Europe on the ride, that is something I faced a lot of, especially in the first couple of days. Something I touched on in my previous piece.

Obviously, with severe cramps on the first day, my doubts were borderline justified. Although I was fully aware that the cramping was purely down to poor hydration, and pretty much self inflicted. The result of these were a long drawn out mental battle with myself. Already having a little doubt about my ability to do the whole ride, having a physical issue to back it up was almost the straw which broke this camels back!

After the first break I took, which was lunch, I have to say I was feeling down and dejected. Almost every drop of enjoyment was wrung out of me, I didn't want to speak to anyone, let alone ride with anyone. At points I would happily have hit a reset button on the day, and not bothered getting out of bed for it. Each time I approached the end of a road where I needed to stop and give way, or even worse, a hill, I was filled with dread.

How bad would the next cramp be!
Standing to climb, immediately my quads would start to burn, then movement would become restricted, to the point I was having to almost squat while standing, and adapt my pedal stroke so my legs would not get close to full extension. After one or two little hills, I realised being forward on the pedals, almost as if sprinting, was the position I cramped the least in. This worked for a while, but once on a hill I could not carry on standing on, I knew it was game over. The next issue was going to be how to stop and get off the bike. 

Clipping both feet out on the last couple of pedal strokes, I stopped the bike, immediately leaning it to one side, and stood over it, massive cramps arrived straight away, so I was reduced to squatting over the bike. Not a pretty position  at the side of the road. Ideally I needed to be off the bike and sitting, so eventually I sucked it up, stood for a second, whipped the bike out from beneath me, and dropped back into a squat. Seeing a fire hydrant sign near by, the perfect perching spot, I squat walked (like I had just shit myself!!) over to the sign. Typically it was a few feet up a small bank, one final challenge to overcome. 

Eventually, bum planted, it was time for a break. During this five mins of reflection I decided that I would not try and ride any more hills on the ride that day, but would instead walk them. Stretching my legs out, and preserving my quads from any damage. Setting off again after a good drink and a gel, I had a little more determination. 

Having pondered over what my issues were, I knew that if there was less physical discomfort, my mind would have less to work with to convince me I could not do it. If I could at least win that battle, I knew I had a fighting chance of carrying on. 

Ironically, as the hills disappeared, and the last of the elevation was done with, the cramps subsided, a little strength returned to my legs, and the will to get to the end returned. Arriving in Dover just in time for the rush hour and school run, the pace was restricted, which suited me fine. Time was on my side, I was used to riding on busier roads.

Looking down at the Garmin map, it was now clear to see there were just a few miles remaining, the end of the UK leg was nigh, my mind was in a better place. Kinda. The end of the physical part was a relief for sure, knowing there were just a few miles left on the French side once we got there, but for now, a well earned rest. That said, the end of this section also meant people, and that was something my mind was not in the mood for. 

It's easy when the mind is in a good place, to just suck it up and socialise, put on that face, and be the person people think you are. When you are in somewhat of a spiral however, well that is another matter. Even attempting to try and be the happy go lucky version of yourself can be hugely mentally taxing, and leave you worse off that you would have been if you had avoided the situation in the first place. Very familiar with this feeling, I decided the best thing to do was to go for a ride along the sea front, which I did. 

Arriving back 20 or so mins later, it was almost time to head to the ferry. From this point on, my mind was focused on getting to France, into the hotel and being alone for the evening. Thankfully the next hour or so was pretty painless. Very little interaction needed, plenty of space, and once on the ferry I could find myself a nice little hiding space for an hour or so. Having a little chat with some friendly faces as we boarded and found our way to the upper decks, I headed for the dining room, grabbed some dinner, and made a phone call. A great way for ensuring you remain sitting on your own.

Once I had eaten, I found a nice little space at the back of the dining room, and had a little lay down. Before I knew it we were docking and getting ready to disembark. From here, a quick briefing, and off to the hotel we went. Quick as I could, I grabbed my key, took my bags, and scuttled off to my room. Aware many others would be up late, having a drink and a chat, I was finally in my comfort zone. 
Day One, done.

I would life to say that the next morning all was well. To a large degree this would actually be the truth. Reset button pressed, ready to give things a go. Aware the weather was going to be a little testing, my head was still in the game. Not like I have never ridden in a headwind before eh!

Taking the advice of others, but going against my usual routine, I decided on having a fairly plentiful breakfast to fuel me for a long day ahead. Sitting alone in the dining room, I had a few coffees, pastries, and a variety of other bits and bobs. Possibly my first mistake of the day. Out to the back yard, and getting the bikes out from storage, I mixed carefully, with faces I was at ease with, and people I felt I could connect with, without having to be too extravagant. It was interesting to hear from a couple from the very start that they too were not mentally in the right place for the day. Good not to be the only one. 

And we were off.. Some more literally than others. Within a mile of the start there was already and accident with one of the riders, although I am told not too serious, I am sure if it were me, that would have been me done for the morning at least. On I went, very quickly singling myself out from the rest. I was nowhere near the back, so at no risk of being left behind, but neither did I have the energy to keep with any of the bunches who were riding together. A couple of miles later and we were out of town, and into the open air. The headwinds were already relentless, and the effort needed to keep moving was a lot more than I had to give. 

Checking my power-meter readings, at one point I was averaging 250w to achieve 10mph on the flat! If it was going to be like this for the whole day, it was going to be a long one. 80+ miles to complete, so 8+ hours of pedaling... Really! This could be bad. Easing up on the power, to just stay in double figures with the speed, I slowly found a pace that suited, even if it felt like I was getting nowhere. At this rate the first water stop was two hours away! This is not what I had imagined when I signed up for the ride. The road surface was also quite abrasive, so also quite draining, with constant vibrations. The decision to go 25c instead of 32c was starting to feel a little bit unwise. 

Just before the first waterstop, I caught up with Hannah and Stewart Sharp. Two friendly smiling faces who had the ability to inject a positive vibe into most situations. Stopping with them for a couple of minutes, before riding into town for the water stop felt good. Mentally it was good to connect, and communicate with people, without the buzz of the group at the stop. Once we reached the stop, I managed a little small talk, before heading off once again.

Back into the winds, grinding away to get some sort of pace going, riding alone. Off to the next stop, the lunch stop. Another 20 odd mile leg ahead. Each time the wind dropped for a while, it was time to get the hammer down and try and get some distance in again. Breaks from the wind in the form of towns or trees were welcome everytime, and became a point to aim for each time one came into sight. Trying not to over cook things, I decided that I would break the leg of the ride down into 5 mile sections, manageable, and each time one was done, I would find a safe place to stop, and take five.

On one such break I decided to pop in one of my ear buds, and listen to a bit of music, to get a break from the wind in my face. This really helped I have to say, a little tempo to ride to, selecting the right gear to spin to, and for a while pay less attention to the speed, and more to the tempo. Breaks from your own mind are a good thing at times, and for me, music really helps take me away from it all for a while.  On the next stop, I decided to have a small snack, take a couple of pictures, and get going. On setting off again, I got just a few yards down the road before feeling the ear bud become loose suddenly, before it fell silent.

Wireless ear buds eh! What a fantastic invention... Until one falls out while you are moving of course! Stopping quickly, I propped the bike up and begun the search. I had not been going fast, I knew roughly where it came out. Checking helmet straps, jersey pockets etc, nothing. Looking on the floor, nothing. A white ear bud on grey cobbles, come on, this should be easy. Looking to my right I considered the parked car, could my luck be that bad. Getting on all fours, it appears yes it could be that bad, and there it was... Dead centre of the car, between all four wheels perfectly. Out of normal reach. Brilliant!

Walking to the pavement side, I lay myself on the floor, and finally, at full reach, waving my hand about, contact! Grabbing it between my fingers, I had it! Good news too, it was still working. Phew!

Time to get going again, and back into the headwinds. A few miles down the road I was aware of someone riding behind me, turning to check, I realised it was a face I knew from our group, but not someone I knew as a person. Time to test out my small talk! Surprisingly,  we were pretty like minded, and had actually made a conscious to ride alone. Choosing not to try and match the pace of a pack, which can become very demoralising after a while, when you are struggling to keep up. But instead choosing to ride alone at a reasonable pace, which suited ourselves, and stop when we wanted to take pictures, or simply have a breather. 

We rode together for a while (cheers Patrick) before I headed off ahead for a bit. The last of the 5 mile pitstops was abandoned, in the hope of just getting into a groove, and getting to lunch at a reasonable time. Told at the morning briefing that they wanted us finished at a reasonable hour, as Brugge was a lovely place and should be explored, everyone was keen to get to lunch in good time.

From this point was probably one of the toughest times for me, back alone, in the wind, and frequent sightings of the Discovery Adventure van, the thought of quitting kept passing through my mind. From the first stop til now, the going had been hard, pushing too hard physically, had left me weak mentally. Every few minutes, running the conversations in my head, of what I would say to the driver of the van, the reason for stopping (not quitting), exhaustion, stress, the weather, fitness, breathing. I ran all the possibilities. But to my retrospective delight, each time the opportunity presented itself, to flag down and van, and call it.... I chose not to, instead thinking "next time". Thankfully, next time didn't come, and the lunch stop appeared. 

I should add at this point, thank you to Helena for having such a whistle! Having not noticed the signs for the stop, I blew straight past the stop, only hearing some whistling from behind. Looking back and seeing a man walking down the road, I just thought "wanker", and carried on. Another whistle, this time I saw arms waving... Phew, that was close! Turning back, a sense of relief (and dread) set in.

Unfortunately, on arriving just before 11am, it soon became apparent that the 11.30 time scheduled for lunch was far from a reality. Out of the wind at last, it was now the turn of the sun to suck the energy out of everyone. 
Sitting at a table outside with a couple of the guys, including Darren who I had grown very comfortable being around, the mood was light, and conversation felt easy. What a relief. 
Cue the arrival of Mark and Peter. A pair,  if I am honest, I was wary of. High energy, a focal point of the group, the personalities were a complete mismatch to what I needed right now. Loud arrival cries were heard, and we now had company. 

Over what felt like the next half hour, conversation was not terrible, but for the main part I kept my head buried in my phone, and got uploading pictures etc. Around 11.30 we were finally called in to "eat". All taking our seats around three huge tables, all a little cramped. The table I had chosen had a number of unfamiliar faces on, who I would later get to know a lot better, and appreciate much more. The pre-judgemental side of me had done a right number on some of the people, for which I am slightly ashamed.  Peter joined us on our table, along with Helena, John and some other great people. 

To say that the whole experience at lunch was both demoralising and mentally draining is a fair comment I think. As time dragged on, the food seemed to be a no show. Eventually after quite some time, starters appeared. Relief filled the room, and a little glimmer of light shone on my cloud of doom. The wait for the next course became painfully long, to the point I was actually rocking in my seat, counting down the seconds before I was just going to leave it.  Voicing my intentions, a couple of people at the table convinced me that due to the weather, we all at least needed a bit more food in our bodies before heading off.  By this time, after much conversation, my opinions of people were really starting to change. And had it not been for the knowledge that only half the day was done, and a long distance lay ahead, I think I could have quite happily stayed and chatted. Sorry to have been so judgmental people, especially you Peter.

Once the second course had been served, a somewhat underwhelming chicken and rice dish, most of us decided to head off. It had now been a couple of hours at least, and even the promise of an apple tarlet was not enough to keep bums on seats a second longer. I have no doubt that a lot of apple tarts went to waste that day, or they made a killing from the number which had been paid for but were never served. I will never know, but then I also would never recommend the place to anyone either, so hey ho. 

Back on the bikes, it was not long before the cobbles of Belgium appeared. A welcome sight, but not such a welcome feeling under bottom and hands. Brick paved roads were now the norm for some miles to come. But that said, the wind had dropped a little, or at least we had turned out of it a bit, we were in the third country of the trip now, and the scenery began to change for the better. The sun was out too, so that kinda helped, although without running the risk of sounding too whiny, it was quite warm!

Riding alongside river and canals, my mind was transported away from the worry and overthinking, and I was caught by the beauty of the place. Now this was more like it! Spirits lifting rapidly, a far cry from the messages I had sent at earlier stops saying how much I was starting to struggle and doubt myself. Looking down at the distance travelled, I was aware I was getting close to the next stop. Some shade, a bottle refill, and some fruit jellies awaited, along with a good stretch out, some conversation and a recharge on the mental batteries. Sending messages home, I was pleased to announce an improved mental state, much to the relief of Ann and Jason I am sure. 

Final leg of the day remained, another 20 or so miles, slightly out of the wind, and in the lovely sunshine. This was going to be a good section, and I have to say it was. Full of positive thoughts, and a new found respect for a slower pace, along with full water bottles, I was ready, so on I went. Alone again for most of it, taking the time to stop and take pictures here and there. Before I knew it I was in another small town, so took five mins to sit in the shade, and walk about a bit to get the  blood flowing again. Heading off shortly after a group passed by, I at least knew I was not too separated from the group, and was still far from the back. Reaching the next town, signs for Brugge, at last! Albeit 10km or so to go, that was all I needed to press on.

Arriving at the outskirts of the city at a large junction, panic... Where have the signs gone!! Logic said straight over, so I tried that, passing through the entrance arch, I found nothing. Garmin was saying one way, but the echoes of the instructions from the guides were bouncing around in my head, if in doubt, head back to the last arrow. Heading back to the junction I spotted another group arriving in town, unfortunately I was on the wrong side of the road to join them, and traffic was against me. Getting off quickly and crossing as soon as safe, I jumped back on the bike and made haste to catch them up. Thankfully I managed to. After a little discussion, someone took the lead, and off we headed. Another good little group to be in, no one in a rush, phew, safety in numbers as they say. 

Half an hour later and we were almost there, having found the arrows, we knew we didn't have far to go. The final mile or so, well of course, it was cobble!! And I don't mean brick paved, I mean REAL cobble. Just what tired arms and legs wanted. One member of the group said she actually quite liked it. No names mentioned! (OK Hannah said it felt like a massage on her bum, there I said it!!)

Rounding the final corner,  we were greeted by the happy faces of Jo and Fiona, and informed we had made it, we were at the hotel. 

Storing the bikes, going to check in and grabbing the key, I was off for a shower ASAP. Knowing I was sharing for this night, and discovering there was no lock on the bathroom door, it was a quick shower. Sharing with Bill that evening, someone I had spoken to briefly a number of times, but was not familiar with, my nerves were going crazy. I sleep badly at the best of times, but to share a room, with a complete stranger sleeping feet away, knowing I snore badly at times... This was gonna be stressful. 

Fast forward a little, and I was back downstairs having a drink at the bar. Getting to know a few new faces again, whilst in the security of John, who I was now very familiar and comfortable with. As people joined us, there was one topic being mentioned over and over again, the wind! How hard going it had been today, the doubts people had had in themselves, and the fight to keep going against the relentless winds. The slow pace, the hard efforts for little reward.... The comments just kept coming!
PHEW!! It was all of us, not just me, not just some of us, but everyone had suffered today.

Having started the day on a slightly better footing than Day 1, but having slipped very quickly to an all time low, just hearing these tales had my mental energy returning fast. 

As I wrap this entry up, or start to at least, this brings me back to the main point, mind over matter. While it is easy to say, it is really hard to do, and even the strongest amongst us can be ground down after too long outside our comfort zones. For those of us with a predisposition to negative thoughts, the battle is all that much harder, and the spiral of despair and doubt comes around fast. However, the message within is to never completely give up. To know that better times are just around the corner, and for every bad day, there is most likely one or more good days, with a sprinkling of amazing days mixed in for good measure. 

So the saying is true, just not in the same sense for all. For some, it is a simple act of just living in the moment, overcoming the mind, and getting on. For others the mind rules over the matter, and controls what happens. Regardless of desire, dreams and ambitions, sometimes the mind just does as it chooses, and we are just along for the ride. On good days however we stick two fingers up to it all and do as we bloody well please, just like everyone else.

I want to round this up by saying this. 
I have mentioned certain names a few times in this entry, but want to be clear about one thing. There is no ill feeling towards anyone mentioned or not mentioned. In fact I learned some important lessons over the first couple of days of this trip. The main one being, don't be so judgemental. Something I blog about time and time again, judging others without knowing them, yet here I was doing just that.

So Mark and Peter, sincerest apologies. I completely misread you both in a low moment, and allowed that judgement to tarnish my encounters with you for a while. However by the evening of Day 2 I realised the error of my ways, and was pleased to have spent every moment with you both after this time. I know it sounds a bit pretentious, but I am just saying it how it played out. Something tells me that the more grounded sides of both of you understand this better than some others would.

Andy, David, Darren, and Robbie. You were really amazing to spend time with. Kindred spirits, cut from similar cloth for sure, the banter, the heart to hearts and the simple company was really encouraging for me. It is nice to receive support from like minded people, especially when it is the silent kind that just reminds you people are there. 

John, Helena, Jezz, our conversations were delightful. Interesting, borderline intriguing, and nice to take the mind off the moment from time to time. The company on sections of the rides was fantastic too. Thank you all. 

Stewart and Hannah, a separate entity of your own. Down tools, drop the mask, and just me myself with you both. The company was remarkable, and I only wish I had managed to ride with you both more for more of the trip.

Jo and Fiona, those crazy celebrations at each stop, the sanity and welfare checks along the way, all made the ride more manageable. Special thanks to Jo for all the hard work getting the rooms sorted out, I have no doubt that it would have been a very different trip without the single rooms.

There are so many more people who deserve a mention, and sorry if I have not mentioned you. But I can say without question that every single person, regardless of levels of interactions played a part in my ability to complete the #L2A2019 challenge. 

Far harder mentally than physically (although it did takes its toll), I would do it again in a heartbeat. Better informed, better prepared, next time I am positive I am up for whatever the next challenge is. 

Til that time, thank you all so much.

Published on Leave a comment on A shared struggle

I am not going to sugar coat it, or make it seem that things were any different to how it actually was, quite simply, it has been tough. So I shall get into it and explain how. And of course give some more details of the surprises along the way.

The past few weeks have been a bit tougher than usual, mainly with the build up to the London to Amsterdam ride. So imagine my delight when I woke up feeling fresh for the trip, and headed out early to get some pre ride miles in.  By the time I arrived in Sydenham my mood had already slipped, and it was starting to fill me with dread again. So many people milling around, not sure what I should be doing, trying to put on a brave face.

An hour passed, anxiety building more, trying to gravitate towards those who I have had positive experiences with, and less towards those which oozed negativity. Big group, busy road, not sure what I was meant to be doing, I ended up just plodding along, and trying to get from A to B. By half way in to the first day, I was cramping badly, which was really having a negative impact on my mood, I was now riding solo, although that was probably a good thing (which I will come back to later), and mentally I was drained. 

A bit of delay and drama at the first main stop of the day, lunch, was enough  to really get the mood cascading full flow. Time to go and get out of it all. Riding away, my brain spinning like crazy, I found myself some space, and just plodded for a bit. Drizzle and wind really helped the mood, especially when reaching the hills. 

At one point I called my other half, Ann. Just looking to hear a friendly voice, vent a bit and try and get my head in the game. Walking up a hill, as my quads were cramping too much to ride, we spoke about each others day, and cleared my mind a bit. Back on the bike, head in the game, I got there.

Arriving at the meeting point, once again, so many people, mood was a solitary one for me, so I rode away for a while to have my own space, and returned when it was time to move to the terminal. For the rest of the day I pretty much kept myself to myself, eating alone, and avoiding having to put on a smile for the sake of it. Rolling in to Calais, all I wanted was a shower and my bed. Thankfully it was a single room for Day 1, so I was able to escape. 

After a poor nights sleep, I woke with a bit more enthusiasm for Day 2, and although I ate alone for breakfast, I tried to be a bit more integrated with the others. Breakfast isn't something I usually do before rides, so within 20 mins of setting off, I was feeling a bit rough. Add to that the headwinds we would be riding into all day, and it was a recipe for a mood bomb for sure. Within the first 5-10 miles, I was done. Mentally, there was no way I was getting through the day. The worst part is, the more you tell yourself that, the truer it becomes. By the first water stop I was torturing myself non stop, and 10 miles after there, I was already running the conversation scenarios through my head for what I would say if I saw the van. "I can't do it!" featured in most scenarios. 

As the miles went on, I would run the conversations in my head,  but each time I saw a van or another rider, the fake smile would appear and I would say nothing, opting to plod on instead. By lunch, which I almost rode straight past due to being deep in thought, I was managing my thoughts a bit better, but just wanted to eat and go, and get the day done with.  This was NOT going to be the case. Lunch was a terrible experience, with it's only redeeming feature being conversation believe it or not.  

While we waited to eat, I found the conversation with the group I had aligned myself with to be easy and natural. It was a long wait, but a blessing in disguise I guess, as once we got to talking about the ride that day, it was obvious to see that almost everyone was in fact struggling, at least physically. 

A quick chat with a couple of the other riders before we set off, and something started to be come apparent. I was not alone! There were others, men, struggling a bit mentally. And we all seemed to be sharing a single characteristic behaviour, isolation. Not completely, but just when things were at their toughest. Like me, there were a group of us who seemed to find solace in our own company when trying to push on. Not afraid of being included if the mood was right, but completely happy, and probably more in our zone to just be left alone. Not to have to follow any set pace or timetable. Happy to plod, stop, take photos and enjoy what was around us. Maybe allowing ourselves to absorb the surroundings was a good distraction from the non stop thoughts, or maybe just a nice break for the body.

By the end of Day 2, it was startling obvious that a number of men was of the same mindset as me. Much to the confusion of some around us, who were (understandably) worried about us excluding ourselves from certain aspects of the ride, mainly the "group" thing.

By Day 3, the weather had taken a turn for the better, the going was a bit easier, and the scenery was stunning. Everything the mind of an overthinker needs to keep it in check. A much more enjoyable day for sure, and something I saw reflected in the moods and actions of my like minded mini group.

From this point on, it became a bit easier to chat to one another, expressing how we felt about being among the groups which had formed, both socially and on the road. And what a relief that was. Almost like being in an anxiety group, sharing feelings, and understanding you are not irrational or strange, but simply not the same as everyone else, and that is OK. 

By the end of the trip I felt I had found a few kindred spirits, people who could ride together, yet alone. Not isolated, just separated by a common desire. I cannot express how good that made me feel!

I should point out that one of the main reasons of doing this challenge was to challenge myself, mentally, and I can say without doubt that I achieved that. Pushing my comfort zones to new limits, seeing how I would cope in these groups of people. Getting to know complete strangers, and trying not to pre-judge how things would work out. 

I have to say that my early judgements of some were terribly wrong, failing to see that some of the personas were simply social facades, masks, worn to please others. Discovering the people behind the masks were nothing like the person who masqueraded whilst wearing it, was rewarding and a bit of a wake up call. It is something I have done for years myself, put on a face to make others think I was someone else, but completely failed to see (until now) others doing it. 

I have learned I can make new friends, without the need to be the fake me, my genuine and laid bare persona is acceptable to others, and there are far more people out there, going through similar struggles and dilemmas than I first realised. I just hope they are all aware of their situations, and in control of what is going on around them.

Men fighting with mental demons is real, VERY real, and if you take a moment to look carefully, the signs are right there to see....

How are YOU today? 

Published on Leave a comment on Living with me (or others)

I recently had a conversation with a very good friend of mine about mental health, and how it affects us. Discussing how the stigma around men being perceived as "weak" for admitting they are struggling, is still very real, and how some groups of people, even those who are meant to be there to help, still don't quite get it. My biggest example of this was a female counsellor who was doing my preliminary assessment deciding I had "mother issues" after five minutes of speaking to me. Having recently lost my mum, she was quite central to the discussion at the time, however, not the root cause of what I was feeling. So man feeling down, mentions his mum, awww, mummies boy, there there... That is how that felt, and really left me with a bitter taste in my mouth.

Going back to my conversation with my friend, it was quickly apparent that it is a common theme in seeking help for depression or anxiety, to be made to feel like you are weak, rather than in need of some support. That is not to say there is not a huge amount of help and support out there. There are some amazing people out there, for which I am truly grateful.

The talk was probably the longest talk I have had with a friend about the condition to date. There have been other chats with a couple of other friends, but we have never focused on things for quite so long. I think part of the reason for that was, that for once, it was not about me, it was about them, as well as talking about our collective experiences, a lot of time was spent talking about his own. Which felt amazing. It was almost like the conversations I have with myself when writing these entries, but for once, with an actual person, who responded with their own experiences. 

One of the things that came up in our chat was, what is it like to be on the other side of things. What is it like to live with someone who is struggling with mental health?

Ask someone in the midst of an episode of depression or anxiety what is wrong, and the chances are you will get  very vague answer, along the lines of nothing, or oh I am just a bit tired etc. Very rarely will you get a full on detailed explanation of what is wrong. And to be honest, if you do get an answer like "I have just been feeling really depressed recently", most people don't know what to do with it, and revert to the old classics like "aaah chin up mate, you will be OK". No offence people, but it's true. 

However, for some, namely our partners, and people we live with, there is a whole different world, and one I have given very little thought until now. What is it like to live with someone who is detached, sometimes vacant, and slowly but surely curling up into a little ball of safety and silence? At some point, our / we (the person with MH issues) behaviour starts to affect you / them (the person living with the person with MH issues).

Be it, withdrawing from regular activities, loss of interest in intimacy, YES!! men really can lose interest in sex when feeling off, or just lack of engagement in day to day life, friends and family. Whatever the changes, they are bound to be noticed by our loved ones, and they have to somehow cope with that. For example, my last blog entry said IDGAF, and I meant it, to a great degree I still do. But for my partner to read something like that, how does that feel? How are they affected by being shut out so to speak?

The first thing I want to say, and I think I speak for a fair few men is, "it's not you". We can be in a strong and loving relationship, care deeply about a person, and still quite simply shut them out. It isn't personal, it doesn't mean there is someone else on the scene, or that they don't want to be with you, or that they are unhappy with the relationship. In fact to some extent, I think we tend to shut out the ones we love the most, the fastest, maybe to protect them from the spiral of destruction we find ourselves in. 

So how does that feel? I really don't have an answer for it. So for me, yesterday I decided to make sure that my partner knew, to the best of my ability, that it is not about her, not caused by her, and that my behaviour is about me, and no one else. Isolation works because I can focus on me, silence works, because I can work on me, me me me. Selfish if definition, but very much needed in reality. When things are not right in my head, the one person I can rely on every time to sort things out (eventually) is me.  No amount of pressure is going to make things right.

When I say pressure, I mean pressure to talk about how I feel in the moment. Another common theme between me and my friend is that we both recognise each person has a role, and that role has a specific time and place in the timeline of recovery. I realise there are many people out there who care, and want to help, unfortunately it is more about quality than quantity. For someone in the midst of an MH episode, speaking alone is hard enough, let alone speaking to people who simply just don't get it. It can feel like speaking to a plumber about an I.T problem. They might want to help, and might have some ideas, but ultimately you need to speak to the I.T guy, not the taxi driver, mechanic, or cook in the local cafe. OK that was all a bit strange I know. 

What I mean is, just because you are the closest to someone, does not mean you are the right person to speak to, and that is not personal, it's just a fact. Sure, by all means, enquire, ask how we are, but please do not be surprised or offended if the reply is a very short and sweet one, with very little information. If we respond by saying we are not feeling great, but don't say much more, there are a few little pointers of what you can do. 1/ Don't just shrug and give up. 2/ acknowledge there is something wrong, remind the person you care. 3/ Guide the person, don't force them, suggest speaking to someone else. 4/ Don't pretend to understand, unless you actually do, from experience. And finally.... Please don't just give up. There is a balance to be found, we are all different, but I would say for most, a quick, occasional, "how you doing", with no expected response, is really quite nice.

I was explaining to Ann yesterday that my responses will vary depending on how I am feeling, but I will always respond. If the response if distant, and short, please just accept that is just how I feel at that time, and don't push. She has become good at recognising when I am feeling a bit down, and tends to give me some space. I don't want to use the phrase a wide berth, as that just suggests you should avoid contact, which is not the way to go.

For me, the main thing is for her to understand my behaviour is not based on my emotions towards her, and this is the same for many. Sadly this is not recognised by many, and instead the partner feels alienated, puts it down to a breakdown in the relationship, and things begin to fall apart. The last thing someone in the middle of an MH crisis needs. Guilt and abandonment.  Of course, this all comes back to my original point of what it must be like to live with someone struggling with MH. I don't imagine being shut out feels great, struggling to communicate is damaging to both parties in the long term, and depending on the severity of the episode, the level of being shut out can vary.

This is where a conversation really needs to take place. For anyone who has an ongoing battle with their mental health, I would implore you to take some time when you are feeling more like yourself, to have this conversation with you family and loved ones. Explain it is not personal, and express how you truly feel when you are low or in a dark place. Make sure they understand your processes, and what role they do, and can play in your bounce back. Information is key, for both parties. 

Anyone living with someone with a physical disability or condition, learns what to do when the moment strikes. Epilepsy for example, knowing what to do if you see the signs of a seizure coming, or what to do when one happens. Because it is a physical display, we can understand, and respond with empathy, and offer the right help at the right time. MH is not really any different, you just can't see it, and that, for use humans and our narrow perspectives, is a problem. So just learn what you can do when you see the signs. Please.

So I have gone on about the loved ones, but now lets focus on us for a second. Another thing that came up in the conversation was how WE respond to prompts from those around us. The world is slowly recognising the reality and severity of the number of people fighting MH these days, especially that men can indeed feel weak and vulnerable. The messages are out there, for us, Its OK to not be OK", and on the other side the prompt to just ask "are you OK". Which is fantastic, the ball is rolling. 

However sometimes numerous people will ask if you are OK. Some you are happy to communicate with, others you would rather not (again, not personal). But, they have after all gone to the extent of asking, so we at least owe them a response of sorts. In person, we tend to just brush people off with a facial expression, or a grunt containing a couple of works. Body language and evolution helps us interpret that as a kind of "leave me alone". Most get the message, but sometimes the wrong message. It is less "leave me alone" and more a "not right now". But if you were to say not right now, it would start a conversation, which may be unwelcome at the time. 

The most common way of communication these days however is IM and social media. And that is a whole other world. For a long time now, a vague post on social media, or short reply on IM has been seen as attention seeking. I have written about it a number of times now, and it falls into the same category as misuse of certain phrases. "I'm so depressed right now" gets used so much by people who are disappointed with the outcome of something, but is assumed to be the same as someone who is going through a bout of depression. Because you were sad about losing your friendship bracelet is NOT the same as being depressed. Being nervous about a job interview is NOT the same as suffering from anxiety. But in the modern world, everyone feels they know what depression and anxiety is like, because they have used the words before, to describe a very temporary and short lived moment. 

So anyway, back to IM and social media. A short post can actually sometimes be a cry for help, gently seeking those who you can turn to at a moment of vulnerability. However, just to complicate things a little, in a conversation on IM, it can also be more of a "I'm not up to talking right now". It is a frustrating and delicate balance, but one that ultimately needs to be driven by the person who is having issues at the time. 

For US, the ones in the driving seat, I would encourage one thing, and this is what was discussed the other day. Emojis. Yes they have taken over the world it seems, with stories being told with them, and even plush toys of them now, but they can have a use too. If you get a message from someone asking how you are, I know all too well the dread of "do I reply" which looms when you open it, and they get a read receipt. Well, maybe emojis are the answer. As long as the other person knows what to expect, a simple emoji could express how you are feeling right now, albeit vaguely, but can also says you don't want to talk right now. 

If someone has gone to the trouble to ask how you are, the chances are they care, and can tell something is up. So they at least deserve a response, to put their mind at rest that nothing serious is up today, and they can get a gauge of what your state of mind is too. Sounds a bit silly to some maybe, but for me, to be able to fire off a simple emoji, relieve myself of pressure or guilt of "ignoring" someone, and relieve them a little of their concerns, it is surely a win win. 

I guess my message from all this rambling is a simple one, talk! Communicate, make sure people on both sides understand what is going on. We talk so much now about caring about the ones who are fighting with their minds, but we also need to make sure the ones on the receiving end of the silent treatment understand too. When you are in the right frame of mind, have those conversations with the ones who are always there for you, and the ones you care about the most. Make sure that they understand it is not personal, and you truly value what you have with them. If nothing else, it helps with the feelings of doom about friends and relationships when you are at your lowest.

Hope some of this makes sense to people on both sides. 

Thank you to everyone who has stuck by me, put up with being pushed away, and stuck around for the bad times as well as the good. And sorry to anyone present or past that I have pushed away. Like I say, it's not you 🙂 Regardless of uptake on offers of chats, meet ups etc, I appreciate every genuine gesture made, and am pretty sure most people in the same boat do too. 

Published on Leave a comment on Amazing students!

After a bit of a wobbly morning, and a nice long 3 or so mile walk at lunch, it was time for the afternoon session.

I have been trying to drip feed the info a bit more this time around, as the first time I was here, I felt I was giving it all away a little too easily

Morning sessions were all positive, great interaction with each of the students doing their differential. However this afternoon, I have just come out of the first session and am genuinely blown away by the approach  professionalism and thoroughness of the first student.

Her approach was spot on, as if she has done this 100 times already, however it turns out it is just her first  time doing mental health this week. Calm, interactive, patient led and compassionate. You can't teach that sort of persona.

This is not to detract from the other brilliant students I have interacted with already today. Each one of them is fantastic in their own right. Simply for being in the line of education they are in, they get my full respect. Not to mention how each one has been brilliant in diagnosis and patient interaction

But sometimes one person really stands out, and this was the one this time around.

*Edit*

Just come out of the second session, and again, amazing! Empathy in gallons, understanding, and all the right questions and replies. 

Going back to me for a bit. This morning was a little draining. Feeling situational anxiety I think would be the right way to put it. As expected, the slight drain on my energy levels of late has had an impact  However it has also taught me something about myself too.

Situational anxiety, is not the same as general clinical anxiety. They may present the same, but bounce back from situational is instant, where as being clinically anxious and going through a full on episode is completely different  thank heavens! I can understand more now when people say they feel anxious for a moment, and can better relate to what they mean by it. I have felt it many times before  but this is an eye opener for me, and I can now feel the difference.

Similar with depression really, although my feelings of genuine depression are a whole lot lower than when I feel, what I call "down". But I can understand when people call it being depressed about something all the same.

I do love a situation where everyone is coming away with new knowledge, and today is certainly one of those times. Last time I said I thought I felt anxious about talking about anxiety, and presenting with the symptoms again. I can confirm this is the case again. Reliving the visits to the doctors really does bring things to the front of your mind and can start to feel really real. However I won't stress as I know how it passed last time, and will again this time.

Published on Leave a comment on RCGP Session 2

Well, here I am. Just got here on a rather wet an woeful day. Thankfully I have slept a little better over the last few nights, after having had a cold and struggled earlier in the week.

Currently sitting on the floor away from the group of actors and other real life patients, partly because I am still full of germs, and partly because its just nice to have some space after spending an hour on public transport

Second time around is a lot easier for sure, far less nerves about what to expect. That said, anxiety is knocking at the door, but in a very calm and gentle way. I got this! I have my rota for the day, and no quick escape this time. Rathe than a free session at the end of the rotation, I am in with a group, so my escape is delayed. Hopefully (and my biggest concern right now) I can get on a train and on the way home before the mad evening rush starts. Last time worked out just right.

Took a different route here today too, a little bit of variety is good for the soul  and keeps me trying new things, rather than sticking to the known all the time. Got to keep on top of things eh. Thankfully the longer section of my journey home starts at the first station  on the route, so the chances of a seat are much higher, especially as its London Overground. Fingers crossed eh. To get there is one stop on the Victoria line, which was rammed this morning, urrgh..

I travelled to London Bridge earlier in the week too, again around peak time, so if I say so myself, I have done well with the whole travelling thing. I think the hardest part has been the whole feeling crappy thing. Sniffles and travelling do not go well together.

Right, better get my head in the game, and think about my scenario for the day. Maybe the same as last time? That seemed to work out OK.

Oh no! I gave myself plenty of room here on the floor, away from the hustle and bustle of everyone else. But just like parking spaces, one person in an open area seems to attract others, so now people are setting up around me. Doh.

Not the end of the world, I am just making it out to be more than it is. Anxious thoughts, creating anxious feelings. Calm down Michael, its all OK. We will hopefully be going in for the briefing soon, then onto the sessions. I am straight in at 9.30 today, so time to calm down, prepare and do my thing.

Here goes...

Have a good day all.

Published on Leave a comment on Royal College of General Practitioners session

The clock is ticking down on my next session at the Royal College of General Practitioners on Friday, and I have to say the suspense and stress is building. It will be my second rush-hour trip to Central London in the week, which never bodes well with me even at the best of times.

The first session I did was a real eye opener, and while it was fun, it was quite draining too. That was starting from a nice high spot in my mental cycle. This time around I am somewhat lower than I was before, so it will be interesting to see what impact that has. Whatever the cost to me, the important thing is being able to help the students understand the presentation of anxiety and depression.

On the plus side, the whole day is a known thing now, it is not full of surprises and uncertainty, so that will help enormously I am sure. I will just get there nice and early again, missing the majority of the morning rush, and have a little wind down walk before getting started.

I will have to put some thought into the scenario for this time too. I am quite happy with the original, but it is good to mix things up a bit. As much for my sanity as theirs. Really is quite draining mentally, recalling events from your life, and playing them out in a scenario over and over for a day. By the end of the day you are mentally exhausted. I kind of envy the actors who also participate in these events. Surely it is much easier to pretend to suffer with something you don't already struggle with. Maybe I am wrong, who knows.

Either way, as I say, the main thing is the students come away from it all with a better understanding. I really do want to have more time to answer questions, and help in any way I can. With so much work being done to raise awareness of mental health issues, it is only right to make sure it can be identified and caught nice and early, so help can be given before the issue worsens for the patient.

Which reminds me actually, I have got to read back through my emails, and do a submission to the BMJ as suggested by Niki. It may come to nothing, it may be the beginnings of being able to do something more positive, time will tell. Not like I don't like writing now is it!

Right, better get my head in gear and thinking cap on, ready for the (next) big day.

Thanks for reading.

PS, students, you can now find all my MH writings on my new website www.snazy.co.uk (if you are not already reading this entry there)

Published on Leave a comment on Down the Rabbit Hole

I guess the time of year doesn't help much with things, and a lot of people are heading in the same direction right now. Back down the rabbit hole in preparation for the short days, more time spent in darkness, and the gloominess of winter. Not to mention the stresses and strains associated with the "festive season".

So at least if nothing else, I don't feel surprised or alone as I pace in circles at the entrance to the rabbit hole.

Lots going on in life as usual for me, some putting a little extra strain on my mind, other self inflicted things weighing heavily on me both physically and mentally. At the start of the year, setting myself a realistic distance goal on the bike was a good idea. However as the year has progressed, the self imposed stresses have started to show through. Passing my preset goal much earlier than expected led me to aim higher, and higher... To the point where although officially I have passed my goals massively, I am still coaxing myself to push harder. Physically it's taken its toll, mentally I am starting to beat myself up a bit to achieve every mini-goal I have set since then.

Mid way through the year I had the energy and get up and go to do some running too, but soon realised I was spreading myself a bit thin. That said, I had avoided injury up until this point, so it made sense to back off from the running, and focus on wellness and the initial goals. Now later in the year, I am missing running, but lacking the energy to run too. So I am really looking forward to the new year, and new beginnings. Less riding, more running, more stretching, and more about looking after myself, rather than beating the hell out of myself day in day out.

Physical battering aside, my mind is starting to feel the strain of day to day life. Getting up later, having less energy or inclination to do anything other than what is officially on my agenda. Things that need doing can wait, non urgent things can just be forgotten about. Even getting out of bed for trainer rides in the morning is becoming a bit of a chore. Sleep is shocking, with about 45 mins a night of deep sleep. Only the first hour of sleep I get nightly seems to be worth it. Once I have woken at 1-2am, I may as well get up, as it is all downhill from there on.

Nothing is on my mind really. Life is busy, has it's challenges, and a few boulders have been thrown in the road recently, but in general, life is good. A far cry to years gone by where I would have struggled to tell you anything positive about my life. But still I find myself loitering at the entrance to the damn rabbit hole.

Focus is needed, a reboot too, and hopefully that is what the time off over Xmas, the trip to Wales, and the start of a new year will give me. Time and space to hit the reset, recharge a little, and get to grips with what I need to do to get the right results for myself for 2019.

A few ideas, some new goals, a new project or two. All sounds good, now I just need to put pen to paper, draw up the proper plans.

One of the key things for me is physical well-being. I know my body has taken a bit of a beating this year, so next year will be different. More running, or should that just be running, given how little I have done this year. A focus on stretching, recovery, and maintenance is also on the cards, with a return to yoga, and getting muscles like my Psoas recovered and back to full flexibility. Pain pain go away!

On top of that, I want to get back to a daily morning routine, be it floor, gym, HIIT or bike trainer. I remember back to the days of my first round of P90X, and remember feeling supercharged every day. Starting out with some physical activity is really a great way to get the body and mind into the right place. And I think that is the balance I am looking for here.

Physical activity equates to a stronger mind. Be it the endorphins released from the buzz of the training, to the positive feelings and state of mind from being active, and feeling good about yourself. For me it works a treat, so as we progress back towards Spring 2019, I want to arrive fresh, and fully charged in both mind and body.

Until then I just need to make sure I check in with myself regularly, and stay on the level. I know I am vulnerable, but I also know I can stay in control, and do what is needed to stay out of that rabbit hole this year.

I know there are others out there circling too, and would urge them to stay positive, keep active, don't lock those feelings away, and make sure you speak to someone (or the internet like me). Bringing all the thoughts to forefront of your mind, and processing them openly is a great way to rationalise what you are feeling, and breaking the cycle of doom and gloom which shows its face so quickly at times like this.

Take care all 🙂