Mentally that is.. Well the answer is not so bad actually. If I look back at say the past 5 years or so, I would go so far as to say that I am doing bloody brilliantly. Given some of the challenges of the past, I really can’t fault my mental state right now, other than occasionally a bit tired and grumpy. But then that is down to doing voluntary overtime and earning a few extra quid.
Physically, well lately that has been another matter, but I am pleased to say that I am definitely on the up. After a recent bout of quite horrible foot pain, and not being able to run, I am back up and “running” so to speak. Which I must say is a huge relief, as anyone who knows me knows that running is definitely one of my staple things to do for my own mental wellbeing. Getting my head in the right place before things is always a priority.
Wedding day, sunrise run, first day of a tour, morning run regardless of temperature or weather. It for some reason just gives me 30-60 mins with my own thoughts and some time to get my head straight before diving into anything too deep.
Cycling however, well that is a sore subject at the moment, but plans are afoot. I have a bike fit planned for Jan next year, I have the new bike with only a few miles on it, and grand plans for getting away on rest days to ride new roads and see new places. For the time being I am passing the time on Zwift, building up some strength and endurance.
With no running and cycling for about a month now I really feel like I am back at the bottom of the hill, which looping back around to mental health, would usually have me all over the place and feeling like I was spiralling out of control. Physical activity has always been my escape when things have been bad. Which is proof in itself of how content I am with life and my situation right now.
It is so nice to have some reference points to check on, just to gauge how I am really doing. One of the reasons for writing these blogs has always been to read back and see what certain things, feelings, and behaviours mean, and what may lay ahead. To say I am in unknown territory right now is an understatement. I have no references for happiness and contentment, just darkness and misery.
For the first time in a long time I am becoming aware of the people around me, and how they are. Starting to be empathetic again feels both strange and scary. In the past being open and caring has left me vulnerable and occasionally led to my own downfall. Rather than being the strong one and lifting others from their moment of darkness, I have previously found myself on my knees being stepped on so the person can get themselves out of the hole and leave me there weak and alone.
Now is different, now I feel I have control and am self aware enough to know not to leave myself open while helping others. I have to admit I have come close over the past 18 months, but have pulled myself back and remembered to look after #1. In the 18 months previous to that a lot of time and energy was spent trying to help others, only to just be left for dead. That ain’t happening again, I have promised myself.
I need that energy for other things these days, and will be damned if I am going to bend over backwards to help people who are not even willing to help themselves. Life is good, lets keep it that way, and keep the energy suckers at bay.
Right, that was a long rambling way of me saying, all is well, thanks for asking. As ever thank you to the few people in my life who keep me on the straight and narrow most of the time. I appreciate you taking the time out to sit and chat over a coffee or lunch. Most of the time I don’t even mind buying lol.
I will leave it there, before I start to waffle too much, thanks for reading.
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