Snazy

It’s 00.30, I’m sitting in the kitchen with my tablet (which reminds me I haven’t taken my meds), at the table typing away here trying to clear my head and be able to get back to sleep. Last couple of nights I have had an early night and they really don’t seem to suit me at all. Instead of having a long sleep and waking fresh, I wake around midnight and can’t settle again. Like now!

Trying to relax doesn’t seem to work, all coping mechanisms fail, and I am left with my own thoughts. Which historically isn’t a great place to be. However the light at the end of a tunnel isn’t an oncoming train this time, or at least I don’t think it is. Instead it is hope and reasoning.

I went for a long ride outdoors today, for the first time in a couple of months. This is usually really good for me mentally and physically, wearing me out and giving my brain time and space to process and offload. Unfortunately that does not seem to be the case today, and after three hours of sleep I am up and raring to go.

Instead of being fast asleep I am sitting in the kitchen with the dogs, who are so loving and loyal, as soon as I walked past them in the hallway and came in here to sit down, they immediately got up and came in with me. Now both laying at my feet curled up, seemingly mocking me by being fast asleep. Oh to sleep like they do!

So what is going on? Why did I give up with sleep and get up? Why can’t I sleep? Well I have my suspicions, so naturally I have spent the last hour tossing and turning in bed going through them, and doom spiralling with each possibility. The answer was to get up and get them out of my head once and for all. So without further time wasted, let’s go through them.

First up, eating too late in the evening and the wrong sort of foods. Tonight I decided to have a couple of little pies from the freezer. Fancying the taste of creamy chicken, I popped them on to cook. Half way through eating them I already had that full feeling creeping up on me, but rather than listen to it I plodded on and over ate. 5-6 hours later as I sit here now I can still feel that full feeling, and I hate it. It has been a long time since I felt like this, and I know it really interferes with my sleep. So that is a good first guess at what’s up.

To add to that, I am currently in the process of planning my next cut back on intake, ready to take another step of weight loss and drop a few more pounds , so it pains me even more to be sitting here feeling like this, knowing I am literally sabotaging myself. Obviously as soon as I realised I had over eaten, the whole weight loss conversation fired up in my head, and that is a heavy one at almost 1am.

Then we have pain and discomfort. Over the past couple of months I have developed shoulder pain. I have long suffered with rotator cuff pain due to injuries ( which reminds me I still haven’t taken my meds *runs to pop pills*). The lack of shoulder mobility and occasional pain has plagued me for decades, so it is nothing new. But its persistence and presentation is a new thing, so it’s on my mind quite a lot right now.

I have a suspicion that it might be where we flipped the mattress a little while ago, so that is something I will explore tomorrow (later today), but for now my shoulders ache, and that feeling radiates down my arms, the left one more than anything. As a side sleeper that is quite problematic for me, but generally I settle quite quickly at night.Given I usually settle, my theory loops back around to me being over full. But It doesn’t stop my brain from starting to hypothesize what could be wrong. Am I getting arthritis in my shoulders? Is this age starting to present itself, IS THIS MY FUTURE!!

Also, I am really hot… No not like that, I mean the teeth have really boosted my confidence but I mean body temperature hot. It is not hot in the house, the heating is not on, the bedding is the same, yet for some reason I can’t bear to have the covers on me. Again, I think this comes down to what I have eaten, and it not being the right choices of both food and volume. It all fits, and I vaguely remember feeling this way a few months back when I did similar. Difference is I didn’t have shoulder pain then, so was less to contend with. So maybe it is the combination of them both, added to the over active imagination I have going on right now?

The one thing I DO know is my general state of mind is good. I don’t feel burnt out or exhausted. Even with some quite regular overtime I am sleeping well, am in a good place mentally, and definitely not unhappy. Which is a relief. At times like this it is a bit like falling over. The moment you stop you do a self check.. Is my phone OK (priorities!!), have I injured myself, did anyone see? Generally if the answers to the first two questions are OK, you are just left with embarrassment at worst, and that passes.

Much like now, am I starting to have a bout of depression, am I anxious, or do I just generally feel a little bit shitty. Thankfully the process from above is repeated. Not spiralling, not anxious, just a bit stressed in a very general way. Anyone who reads these ramblings regularly knows I have a love hate relationship with stress/depression and their general counterparts. There are chasms between the condition of anxiety, and experiencing general stress about things. I am pretty sure right now it is just the latter.

Still not a nice place to be mentally, but I know it is something I will work out without too much drama.

My plan… Well, not eat those evil pies EVER again for starters! Maybe this is the kick in the butt to get started on the plan sooner than I had originally considered? I know right now I hate the idea of food, so I am changing my plans of what food I take into work with me later on, and going to be more careful of my food choices moving forward.

Next up, turn the mattress back around, so normality is restored and a known baseline is re-established. If things continue after that, and don’t start to show signs of improvements, then I need to look into things more closely. In the meantime I will speak to the doctor to see if there is anything they can do. Physio, check for any markers that might indicate inflammation or any other nasties going on inside me. And maybe it is time I saw my Osteopath again. I keep saying I am going to, and never get around to it, but with my back tightening up, I think it’s time!

Another possibility is bikes! One new bike, an adjusted set up on the trainer indoors, a new pair of cycling shoes…. Could any of those be contributing to the shoulder pain too? Thankfully I have a bike fit booked in for next month, so I will at least get some answers there. But that said it would be nice if the shoulder pain went away before the bike fit, so it is at least as good as it can be. Unless the first thing they say is “OMG riding in that position, I bet your shoulders and back are a right mess” 🤣

Hey, it’s possible right?

Anyway, I suppose I better wrap this up, meds including painkillers now taken, I still haven’t cooled off at all, and still feel stuffed to the brim (I don’t think my body likes pastry to be fair), but at least I have said all this out loud and gotten it out of my thick head. I guess the next step is to try and get back to sleep. I am back up in about four and a half hours, and off for my pre work morning run, so a bit more sleep might be helpful,

Besides, I am starting to feel a bit bad for these poor little dogs who are just laying on the floor in here rather than on their lovely beds. Better get them back off to bed, as well as myself eh. Thanks for reading and entertaining my thoughts of the early hours. Hopefully I will wake fresh as a daisy, although I have my doubts.

Say night night Kallik, night night Freyja….