Have you ever had a dream so profound and deep that you can feel it in your heart and soul? A dream so powerful it wakes you and leaves you in a funny old state of mind?
Well I have just woken from one just like that and am now laying here writing this in the hope of calming my mind and understanding the what and the why.
I am familiar with the place, in fact deeply familiar and totally in love and obsessed with it, to the point I love to visit, but to over think hurts. The company I had on the dream I am less understanding of, but thinking it over here.
Let me set the scene… I was visiting the house of my late aunts in North Wales, and walking around it with two female colleagues from work and one other male who I can’t identify. It was in the context of travelling together and visiting this memory.
Showing them from room to room, telling tales of my childhood. Each room having different memories and stories to share. After wandering from room to room we reached the lounge, and all took a seat by the window, staring out to the sea view.
The layout was slightly altered and we were on a balcony rather than behind a window, but the view was identical. The image is burned in my mind for eternity, and has to be one of the most precious memories I hold.
When I take the time whilst awake to revisit this place, I can hear the voices, feel the textures and smell the smells of old. With perfect recollection (to me anyway). I was walk through the whole place in my mind. Recalling tiny details as I pass from room to room.
But remembering it all also being brings me pain that I can no longer see the view, or experience the moments that brought me so much joy. Not to mention miss the people so dearly.
So why has this profound memory struck me now? And why has it left me feeling so unsettled and upset?
OK the time of year is a powerful reminder, as Christmas was always spent there with close family. I also have regularly visited this place over the Christmas period in more recent years. Leaving flowers at the family grave and cleaning things up there. Which I have not this year.
Is this my mind shaming me, reminding me that I have missed the opportunity to visit? Or is it just focusing on my deep longing to visit there again soon, as it always feels like such a soul cleansing thing to do. Visiting my favourite spots around the North West of Wales, creating my own memories and passing them on to the next generation.
Or is there something deeper and more sincere going on. The start of an internal conversation with myself about my legacy and how important Wales is in that legacy to me. Fearful of only being remembered as a guy from South London, and not one who’s heart and soul belongs equally in Wales.
Is my mind being summoned by the family, or am I just starting to realise how much I miss them at Christmas?
It’s a tough one, but I think it’s a bit of all of it to be honest. Wales is my spiritual home, and where part of me forever belongs. I definitely need to make sure that is something everyone knows and observes when my time comes.
As for the company I kept in the dream, I have no idea what that was about, I just know I was at great ease telling them my tales, and happy for their company.
Right, that’s purged from my mind time to get back to sleep. Now if I wake up tomorrow and hear anything about Wales or family, I have documented my rude and disturbing awakening, as well as my feelings on it all.
Thanks for reading, here’s to getting back to sleep and feeling more settled again.
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