Snazy

I was having a moment of reflection today, putting together something to say to someone, and suddenly I had a revelation. It might come across a little arrogant and self centred, maybe even a tad obnoxious. But as I sat with the thought for a few minutes, and started writing this entry in my head I realised it wasn’t. It was just a straight up fact I seem to have overlooked until now.

I have written quite a few entries showing thanks and appreciation to people who have been there for me over the years. In fact when I think back over probably the past 15 or so years, from losing mum to my deepest darkest moments of depression, the same names come up time and time again. Lee, Jason, Scott, Matthew. But there is one that I never mention. Michael!

Michael, aka me, has been there for every second of the ride. The highs, the lows, the insomnia and the months of physical self torture trying to run or cycle my way out of the darkness. I have suffered the soreness, and the injuries of each attempt to escape my own thoughts. Living through every second of it all.

Now this isn’t a “woe me” post, nor moment of God complex, it is just a reality, and the missing part of each entry I have written thanking others. So I wanted to take a moment to thank myself. A bit weird I know. However anyone who has had struggles with their mind will understand this to a degree at least.

Michael took control, Michael reached out for help, Michael opened up to those who gave their time to listen, and Michael listened back to the words of wisdom that were bestowed upon him.You see it is a two way thing, you can have the best friends and the best help in the world, but without having the willpower to carry on, the fight to stand against yourself, and the determination to come away from the moment a better person, the whole thing is a non starter.

I realised that I play a huge part in my own journey, and while I am truly grateful to those who continue to stand by me, and support me when times are hard, it is my own grit, and love of myself and who I know I am, that keeps me wanting to do better, be better, and be here to help others whenever they need me.

You are probably sick of the self-appreciation already, so allow me to pivot to the true meaning behind this entry. It is not about Michael, me, him etc…No., this is about YOU and how important you are in YOUR journey through life. No matter what gifts and blessings you have had to get you where you are today, nor is it about the beatings, and body blows that have kept you in chains for years… YOU are here now, because YOU want to be, YOU earned this, and you are fuckin amazing!

The point of this blog is to help you believe in yourself. Whether you feel you are acing life, or feel like you are dragging behind. Love who you have become, or loathe yourself. Regardless of what you THINK people think of you… YOU are amazing!

I have spent a lot of my life thinking I am not worth much, but now I look back at some of the challenges I have overcome to be here now and realise I am so much more. It doesn’t matter if I feel I am where I want to be yet… The fact I have stood proud and fought to come this far, tells me I have all I need to get to where I want to be, and nothing can stand in my way.

I have a plethora of experience, tales to tell, and examples of how I overcame the next obstacle in my path to get where I am now. So I know whatever lies ahead of me, I got this. And because of that, I truly believe we all have… If we really want something bad enough that is.

Mental health has always been used as such a negative term in all my entries. Not an excuse, but an explanation of why I feel the way I do in the moment, and how I feel it holds me back at times. But now I realise that is only 10% of the story. The other 90% of the time it is my mental health that makes me determined and strong.

Now I have used that phrase “mental health” I feel compelled to say how much I hate the current way it is used “poor mental health”.. “ill mental health”. NO! Mental health is mental health. You don’t say “I have poor physical health” you say “I broke my leg”. So can we just get back to saying “I am depressed”, “I am anxious” rather than something being poor or ill. It seems to tip toe around the realities of life.

Anyway, rant over. Can we all just take a moment, yes I mean YOU… Just take a second to appreciate yourself, and realise how amazing YOU are to have reached this point in your life. It doesn’t mean you have peaked, and there is no more to come, it just means you are taking a second to look back and appreciate the effort it took to get to where you are.

I recently walked up Snowdon or Yr Wyddfa, with a great friend. We had already had a very long morning, were both tired, but the weather was great and we were determined. It is a long hike, and sometimes you can see the path in front and behind, and other times it is like an eternal corner with no trace of where you came from. However at one point you can look back, and down, and see a long long trail far below you that you have just walked along. This is of course a metaphor for what I have been saying.

Taking a look back, as your legs burn and your lungs work hard to breathe. Heart beating out of your chest, just looking and seeing what you have overcome and the path you have already trodden to get to where you are, gives you the strength and determination to keep going. Not to mention a sense of pride of what you have achieved SO FAR.

So… YOU… Keep being you, stay awesome, and every once in a while take a moment to appreciate yourself, as I am sure many around you already do.

PS….. Metaphor picture below snapped by me 3/4 of the way up Yr Wyddfa.