You know every now and then you need something that reminds you why, defines your role, and just shakes things up a bit? Well I guess I just had one myself.
Recently I have kind of lost reasoning and my sense of duty here with mum, with the arguments and confusion over finances etc. Taking a back seat from my responsibilities, and putting distance between me and my mum.
Well just now, at about 6.30am I got a reminder of all of the above. I'm asleep at that time usually, but have not slept too well over recent days. This morning the dogs were being quite active, and as I begun to stir I could hear my name being called. Looking out of he bedroom window I saw mum sitting on the doorstep in the back garden... Never a good thing.
I got to the door quickly, carefully opened it, and there she was sitting there. Not distressed as such, but stuck. She had tried to squat to pick something up and just carried on going til she made it to the ground, thankfully unhurt. I helped her up, checked she was ok,and made sure she had not falled and was not hurt.
She explained what had happened, seemed relaxed about it, so I left it there.
That's why I bought her the new walker with the seat on it, so she could safely sit her bum down for such moments, and still be able to get up again. It also serves as a stark reminder why she has a Linkline panic button too.
There is a balance to be struck here, and that it between caring and worrying. I have a sense of responsibility towards her, but that's always been there really. However that responsibility has to end somewhere. As I walked back to my room I could just hear a voice in my head saying "that's why you can't leave her alone", but I have to disagree. Yes I care, and I should, and DO do anything I can to avoid her being distressed, however at the same time I realise that I can't be here for everything, and need to share that load with others.
I would not say it has shaken me up, let alone even woken me up, hence the poorly put together entry we have here, but it has reminded me of why I worry so much, how I ended up in the state I am in, and most of all puts in black and white WHY I have been off work for so long. For moments just like this. It also reminds me of why I have always tried to plan the visits from other people out so carefully. Avoiding overlaps and crossovers of visitors at the house etc. While she has a bit of mobility and can still potter about, she can at any time get into a situation like this one. Armed with a panic button, and a mobile phone help is never far away IF she were to use them. On the other hand, with regular visits to the house, she would also not be left in such a situation for too long if one re-occured.
It also brings into question why I don't want to over medicate for my situation, I guess broken and light sleep has its advantages eh?
So again its time to see what can be done to make the situation safer for her in that environment, what changes can be made to make things easier out there. But also a time for me to NOT over react, not dwell on it, and realise if I had not woken, or not been here, that there would have been an alternative form of help, and the situation would not have spiralled out of control.
I guess this is the icing on the making up cake for me and mum, a renewed sense of purpose, and a reminder to her that while words like trust and abandoned are batted around, once again I was there when it counted. OR of course it could all just get thrown in my face with a simple "now imagine if that had happened while you were off on one of your trips" comment, which is always possible here.
Right, I'm gonna rest and smile, but there you go, Michael ACTUALLY did something helpful and was appreciated. Woohoo.
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