So today started off in an intersting fashion to say the least. Waking up at about 7am with a god awful backache which I seriously need to get looked at very soon. As well as a headache from hell. So not a great feeling.
After popping a few pills and jumping back in bed (carefully crawling more like) I got another hours sleep and tried starting the day again.
Second attempt was almost as painful as the first, back not happy at all, but head a little better.
Unfortunatly due to the extra hour in bed, that sort of ruined my morning, as I was unable to get the dogs walked before going to see the counseller. So up I got, pulled myself together and got dressed before leaving the house for the walk up to see Peter. Arriving a few mins early, as I waited outside I suddenly remembered that I didnt have the paperwork with me that he had asked me to return. Oops. Thankfully I didnt take this as a spark to start of a day of doom and gloom, so maybe some good is coming from all this already.
After the session I decided on a haircut, which was long overdue. Then rushed home for some porridge, with cinammon, yum !
Anyway, I digress, im sure you want to know about the session today really eh. So here goes.
Firstly I have to say that this was the first official session, the previous one was a getting to know you session.
So the session started by a recap of last weeks chat, in which he gave a suprising amount of info and feedback. Even if he had read up a few mins before, his knowledge was good and reassuring to know it was not just a generic catch up session.
As agreed last week, we decided to focus on emotions today, channelling them, dealing with them, and how I seem to have a blockage in managing to get them dealt with and out in the open.
As we talked this over we uncovered a few other underlaying issues that could possibly be the reasoning that I am so poor at managing to get my emotions out of me. As most would expect, childhood came up, but I have to stress that was through my offering, and not his asking.
Key points covered today were as follows
-Growing up as the only male in the family
-Premature emotional maturity (dealing with emotions as an adult from 10-11)
-Being a very open person, but fearing people becoming involved in my emotions
-Finding ways to channel and vent my emotions, rather than bottling them up.
Its strange to sit there and chat about these things in such a productive way, and the session is formatted in such a way that after a little exploration, we recap to ensure it all makes sense and we are heading in the right direction.
Today I started to make a little sense of how certain things in my past have really shaped the way I deal with my emotions, and how from quite an early age I would start to bottle up my feelings. Nothing traumatic, nothing abusive or anything like that. But a long sequence of events that have in some way impacted on my behaviour. It was no sort of analysis, just a few simple questions that made me sit and reflect for a moment on things I felt may have had some baring.
The first death I experienced was my Aunt Peggy. I clearly recall where I was when I found out she had passed, and it was me asking my mum had she died. When my mum said she had, my reaction was very numb and as simple as "oh no, thats sad". On the flip side, when Adam King was killed by being hit by 2 cars when I was 11, I cried with ease, and was deeply distressed by his passing. Maybe the graphic way he was killed, maybe just the first person I was used to seeing on a daily basis, who knows. But it reminds me that I am capable of expressing grief in this way.
From that point on, I have rarely shed a tear, a relationship has brought me to tears since that point, but nothing else really. In times of grief or fear I simply tighten up and stand strong through it, and then at some point store the emotions away, forgetting about them, but leaving them there to fester, and put me where I am today.
Im not in a terrible place, but I do know that its not a good place, and something I need to address before I go through anymore stressful situations.
So as the session drew to an end, and we started on the final recap and summary of the session, my mood changed from light and chatty, to a little deeper in thought, and suddenly finding myself in deep reflection over what we had been discussing. It was a change of feeling that I was more than aware of, and was even aware that my replies in conversation has slipped from "yes (and some supplimentary talk) to simple "uh-huh" as my mind wandered away to start processing what it had been presented with. Which to my mind was a positive step, and Peter also felt that this was a good sign. Once again we had managed to stir up the pot of emotion deep within me, and fingers crossed, started to untangle the web of confusion deep within.
I will be doing some more writing on this over the course of the week, but all in all, im enjoying the counselling very much, and finding it quite productive even at such an early stage. So here's to next week, and seeing where we are at then.
So thats todays mind session over with.
In other news, my back is really getting on my nerves now. I need to see someone to give it a good crack, and get some mobility back in my neck soon. Just a matter of finding someone local and affordable to see to the matter.
Question is chiropracter or physio. Physio would deal with the whole matter, but would be nice just to get the back cracked would be a nice start.
Right, time is up.
Thats me done for the day, thanks for reading, and sorry for going on for so long, hope it was an enjoyable or in some way useful to read.