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Another week begins.

Kinda anyway. You know what I mean. A nice short week at least eh. So I'm just finishing work and am on the train home to check on the dogs before walking up to the hospice to see mum this afternoon. Second visit of the day today.

I had quite a long weekend, going up to Derby to stay with Cadell, before heading further NW to see my aunt and see how she was doing recently. I had some interesting conversations with her as usual, as well as a deep conversation regarding arrangements for when she is gone. All was more than fair, and I'm glad we had the convo.

Right let's get to the important stuff here eh, mum.
Over the weekend I have stayed in touch with her to keep her as calm as possible, however there have still been upsets and misunderstandings on when I would visit over the period. Mis-communications and delays didn't help. This week she seems a lot better at moving about, and more coherent, which is a great improvement to see. However her worry and anxiety remains. Still saying she is not sleeping, spending time worrying about things, and stuck on a certain subject for no apparent reason.
This appears not to have been addressed with medication yet. Regardless of what mum has said previously, a conversation with a nurse last night clarifies once and for all what meds mum is on... The same meds she went in on, only difference being is an antibiotic. So no sedative pills like she has spoken of. And the long waits for her sleeping tablets also explained to me.

Needless to say it is frustrating as hell to see her trapped in this loop of stress and distress. Her current worry is, that its the TV causing her episodes, and she now refuses to watch TV in case it causes her to feel confused again. So she is actually scared to watch TV. Her words, not mine.

So I'm back here at the hospice now, sitting in the gardens with mum in the sunshine (occasional sunshine anyway), having just eaten my lunch/tea of a Subway, mmmm. Mum is her usual chatty self again, but as usual, repeating herself, and somewhat losing track of time with some stories and events. Her recollection of a man stopping us at the lift a couple of days ago, and make conversation for example. She has just told someone in the smoking area that is has JUST happened, on our way to the gardens just now. There are other things like this that she slips with. But other things she seems quite fine with.

Another development is the suggestion of doing art therapy. I originally suggested this a week ago but she rejected it. It was again raised by her doctor, who again she turned down. However, today she was visited by the woman who runs the art classes, and after a short chat mum has suddenly taken to the idea, and said she is seriously considering it, and how it would help.

Mum has seen the doctor already today, so I might not get to see them today, but I do want to have a proper sit down chat with them sometime soon. Just so I am up to speed with what their aims with treating mum are, how they see things going, and what we should expect next, coming home, staying here etc.

Meanwhile, I am left wondering about other stuff. The shared burden, and how my contribution towards the whole caring situation is perceived by others. Recently I seem to have had a few comments made to and about me that suggest I am not pulling my weight, and need to step up a bit. Not quite sure how this came about, but while people think it, I worry about why they think these thoughts. I confess, I escape regularly for a couple of days at a time. To clear my head, gather my thoughts, and do long round trips to see my aunt who is also ill. Apparently the only family member who can right now. I wonder if this is a sin to do. To dare to care?

The conversation of funerals has been brought up, how its going to go, how its being funded etc. My aunt is also discussing hers with me too, and her wishes for when she passes. So there are some deep conversations being had. Unfortunately its a little derailed right now, but I'm sure we can get it all back on track somehow. In the meantime, its time to get things formalised and make sure that everyone's wishes are respected.

Right, I guess I better leave it there for now. Thanks for reading my thoughts of the day.



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