Have you ever had one of those days or weeks where it feels it is impossible to succeed? Like every aspect of life is pulling at a different limb, and whichever direction you move in will only be right for one tiny part of your life. Yesterday I developed a severe back ache, and right now it feels like its because I am over stretched and being pulled all over the place. Any decision I have made recently only seems correct for the one situation I have given thought to, and what is good for the goose, sure aint good for the gander.
What I need to do now is take a good hard look at everything going on, decide on some priorities, take a swipe at a few other things and cut them free, and just basically get on with what is important to me. Easier said that gone though, I warn you now.
Let's look at money first, that sneeky stuff that seems fine for ages, but then in an instant just runs dry and leaves you high and dry. In my case I thought I was doing pretty well, managing mine and my mums money, dealing with bills etc, but then came alone half pay! Doom and gloom ahead. I have tried for a week now to get my payslip from my employer, so I could apply for help with the rent, but they have been slow about sending it out. So another week lost that I could claim for help with the rent and council tax. It has finally arrived now though, and using the benefit calculator I will get a fair bit of help, so fingers crossed.
Then there is my project, which swallows up money like a huge pit. Nearing the very end of it all now, but almost out of credit with it all, it leaves me in a precarious situation. Without the cash to finish it will all have been a waste, but to get the cash to finish requires me to borrow. I'm not that keen on borrowing right now, but at the same time I realise its the logical solution to a number of things tugging away at me right now. Back pay on council tax, a few bills etc, which are all mounting up, as well as getting my project finished, which would be of huge benefit.
Then there are the emotional strings, mum being in the hospice, the relationship with my sister under constant strain from misunderstandings and poor decisions. Recent events with my aunt have not helped at all, with her being given the impression that I am not helping with mum anymore. That was very upsetting for us both.
I want more space, I need more compassion, I feel I want more love. Does anyone understand me completely? Why am I doing things the way I'm doing them, taking the long road around where there is a perfectly good shortcut? I really don't know what the hell I'm doing right now, but I'm confident that with the support of friends and loved ones, and with making a few sensible well thought out decisions, I can sort most of this out. There WILL be sacrifices along the way, I have already committed to that, probably a long time ago, but the main thing is to some out the other end, in one piece and with a smile on my face.
Rough time ahead, but fingers crossed all will be well within the next few days.
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