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Well that's what my mind and body have been telling me to do for a while now, but today was the day it changed from a thought to a reality. Having considered all sorts of counselling for a long time now, only to dismiss is as something I didn't need. In the past few weeks I have realised that it would be a positive thing to do, and have taken steps towards making it a reality.

So this morning I, Michael Snasdell faced up to things, and met up with my counsellor, Peter for the first time. Having always been the one who counselled others, this was a real role reversal for me, but I have to say, after just 1 hour, a much needed one.

I have been doing my usual deep thinking recently about the world around me, and trying to identify the triggers that cause me to take an emotional nose dive into, and was quite surprised with that I actually came up with. Some things that I would have expected to be a true burden are actually not factoring too highly, and other things that seem to have just been insignificant seem to really stir some emotion.

Having talked to Peter quite openly about where I am right now mentally, things slowly are starting to fall into place for me. Its not a quick fix, and its certainly not the answer to all my questions of the world around me, but its IS another trigger. I am constantly identifying things in my life that provoke me in any way, so I have a catalogue of things I in some way avoid for the greater good. Mainly people and experiences, not that they are emotional decisions, just more life choices, and areas i prefer to stay away from for ease of life, and so I remain in my comfort zone, and surrounded by all things familiar.

So today I have formed a new opinion, and experienced something quite new to me. Counselling is a positive thing, especially for people as emotionally inward as me. The u-bend of emotion, where everything seems to be building up has been identified. Now I just need some serious emotional plumbing to get everything flowing properly again.

Grief, anger, resentment, and fear are just a few of the things I know are tangled up in that u-bend. The loss of a number of friends over recent years, as well as family members has brought not a single tear to my eye. Reflecting on this today however in calm environment stirred up some of that trapped emotion, and started to cause my head to almost tremble with things trying to break free. I know grief, tears, and an emotional "outburst" is NOT a bad thing, I just feel I need to deal with what is in there, for my own good.

Anger plays its role too, knowing that being the peacekeeper is an important role to play in life, but not to deny to myself that I have feelings on each matter too. That things regardless of how impartial I remain, will affect me with some form of anger or pain. I am after all only human. But like a professional in any role that deals with conflict and confrontation, I know that somewhere there is an outlet that I need to vent it all too. Somewhere other than a blog (sorry guys)
Many professionals have counselling as part of their job, and now I can start to see why.

Resentment, well there is a lot of that floating about out there, with the whole mum being ill issue topping the charts, but closely followed by other family issues, and then of course the inevitable envy of people moving on in the direction I too want to follow, work matters and other little triggers.

And then fear, of course fear. My greatest one being the loss of my mother which I know is coming. Maybe its the uncertainty of the whole thing right now that is chewing me up inside, or maybe I am using the whole experience and journey through the hospital and treatments etc as a mask to hide behind, just to try and shield me from the money shot which is "the passing". Reading back I have to say I have noticed deflection after deflection from the underlying issue..... My mother is going to die, and there is nothing I can do about it! There, I said it. And I said it only because after talking about it, I accept it now.

I could go on for ages right now, pouring more and more thoughts about it out, but for now, all I really wanted to say was, thank you to Peter for taking this on, and thank you for in one short hour, managing to shake things up just enough for me to start seeing things a little cleared, and start to figure out what direction I need to head in now.
To say I have been blinkered or lost is an understatement.
I now know what it is like for all the people I have spoken with, who I have helped in some way to finally start to see whats going on. I always wondered how a conversation could begin to make someone stronger, how it could act as a catalyst for action, and how my words could affect another persons life. Well, now I do know how that feels. And as a bi-product of all that, I feel better for knowing I have helped others too.

I started out today a little anxious, both about this meeting, and for what lays ahead with work etc. But now, 1 hour later that's all behind me. Counselling is a positive step, and as for the rest of the day and work, hey its just another day, which I have a lot of control over. Watch out world, here I come.

Back later with a little more reflection.

Thanks for reading 🙂

Cor blimey guvnor, time for a brief update..
Just got back from one of the hospitals with mum. I was a bit confused at first, the doctor called her in, 20-30 mins passed, then he came out and called someone else. While I wondered if she had strolled off somewhere or something, Joan the nurse appeared and asked me to go with her... Uh-oh I thought.

We went into an office where mum was sitting, sat down, and the conversation started. Her regular doctor was not in, and having seen a slightly stronger willed doctor he has reopened the suggestion of surgery for mum. So Joan wanted to sit us both down to talk it over. Mum has been against any form of surgery from the start, although she was also against chemo and radio therapy, but ended up taking the treatments, so this could go the same way. I could see from the look on her face from the start that she was not too impressed at it being brought up again, but she weathered the storm and talked.

The suggestion they are making is to clean up the wound on the right side, which is starting to weep again, and will just get worse and worse, smelly, large and painful for her. It will involve removing a large section of the breast, and require a skin graft due to the loss of area skin. The graft is suggested that it will come from her thigh.

Now naturally she has done more negative thinking about the whole matter than the average human, and feels she knows every possibility, so is a tough one to break.
The nurse and surgeon will be discussing the matter at an inter-departmental meeting on Monday and seeing how they can best approach it. They will also be involving the plastic surgeon in the discussion to see how he wishes to perform the graft. So there are lots of decision and things to talk about before the day can come around.
In the meantime she has to decide if she is ok with going ahead with it, or would rather the messy painful route.

The nurse will call me Monday afternoon to say what they have planned. She has already been deemed fit for surgery by the POPS team at Guys, so there is no delay there. Just got to hope she goes with it now. I know she is scared of the whole matter, but fingers crossed she will be brave and realise its a positive thing, not a bad thing.

This is NOT to remove the tumour, this is just to remove ulcerated tissue from around it to make life a bit more manageable.

So thats the update. Oh the other bit is that she has decided that taking Folic Acid for her other conditions is now a no no, as she read somewhere that Folic Acid can affect SOME tumours, and the hospital could not reassure her enough that she would be unaffected by it. So thats another condition about to get worse again.
Mothers eh ! lol

Well after a few days of moaning about my materialistic phone, its time to face the reality of life once again, and worry about more important things etc.
This morning sees a trip to Guys Hospital in London SE1, mum has 2 appointments there today back to back. A lung function test, and an appointment in Oncology for a check up.
So again, things seem slightly more in perspective now,

The weather outside is crap, got to get on a packed train, which I hate at the best of times, but I both get to ensure mum gets there and back safely, and to see the progress on The Shard too. The Shard being a fascinating modern building being put up next to London Bridge station. So its fun to watch from week to week as it progresses, and it takes my mind off other things.

In the meantime, the Blackberry 9700 still has no data, I have written and posted a letter to their complaints dept at head office, and that is as much as I am going to do now. I'm NOT going to carry it around with me in the hope that someone will phone me and fix it, I'm NOT going to pull the battery 100 times for them to run through little tests. Instead I am going to leave it sitting here, and if by Thursday afternoon its not working, then I will call Orange back, and decide on my next move.

Right, time to get ready for the hospital, hope you have a great day, and thanks once again for reading one of my little rants.

Well, the appointment I have been waiting for, for mum to see the POPS team at Guys has finally come, although not actually a letter, but a phone call. After scheduling it for mid April, I got a call today to say they want her in on Monday instead, as all dept's have asked for it to be done ASAP. Which comes as quite a relief to me. Sods law says tomorrow we will get a letter saying the Colonoscopy has been set for Monday too lol. (bloody hope not)
So that's one piece of good news. And also she gets a full once over again on Monday which makes sure her HB and BP are still fine and she is healthy to be at home for now.

The other letter of the day is from my solicitor. The solicitor has been working on my behalf now for about 28 months, acting on the liability case against my employer.
Its been a long journey, but today I got the letter from my solicitor confirming their intention to settle the payment for loss of earnings and for private physio I received following the start of the issue. This draws to a close the whole messy affair, and allows me to finally get on with life as normal. No longer worrying about what appointments or letters need attending to next.

The funny thing about the whole matter is it was almost completely avoidable. But one man on a mission to make life difficult for me has cost the company a huge sum of money, a lot of disruption, and may I add, me a lot of physical pain and discomfort. Sadly, like most cases like this, its me and the company paying for it, not him.

Anyway, that's me for now.

Oh couple of quick updates.
Mum is in good health and spirit right now. Much better than she was a week ago.
And I am planning my return to the gym on Tuesday, following a successful introduction of my new early rise routine. Cant do Monday as I have a day of appointments with mum etc.

Have a great weekend.

Plan was to get mum to the hospital by train, get her to her Oncology appt, then get into work.

About 30 mins before we were due to leave she told me she could not make it to the hospital as she felt too ill. Having been here before I decided she HAD to go, so suggested drive to the hospital instead. She agreed.

On our arrival there, she was just getting out, and went wobbly. That was enough. I got her back in the car, and ran in to get a nurse. Thankfully I found an amazing Oncology nurse called Sharon. She was fantastic, got a chair, sorted parking out with security and in we went.

Attention was immediate, with doctors and nurses all over the place running bloods etc. A good examination as well as her appointment. She has been sent home now thankfully as her hb and bp are both stable.

This is only a quick entry as she has asked for a burger from the shop for lunch so I'm writing this while waiting lol.

Main thing is she is ok, and been told to hydrate herself properly, and advise of any issues. Next problem is keeping an eye on her all the time, hmmm.

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

Well I guess at the moment its just a little concerned about how mum is. My sister is round there at the moment, but mum has been grumpy and slow moving all morning. She has been eating which is a good thing, but insists she now cant eat many things (again). Cant eat her usual crackers as her mouth is sore, cant drink orange juice for the same reason. So when I left her she was trying a spag bol (at 11am lol)

A friend just suggested getting some CCTV around the house so I can see what is going on with the house, security and safety wise. Added bonus to this is I can keep an eye on the dogs at the same time. So kills 2 birds with one stone. Lets see what mum's opinion of that is. If I tell her its just for watching the dogs, im sure she will say less about it.
I will look into the cost of installing it and maybe sourcing it over the weekend. (watch this space)

In other news.....
Im getting on with the Android better than expected and have decided to keep it for the second line. It adds a bit of sparkle, while the Blackberry continues to do the more practical side of things, and keep me in touch with the world. I can see the appeal of the iPhone now, with the fun and trick apps that are available. Although their appeal is short lived.

Or at least it seems like it has been, since I last wrote anything here. In reality, I missed one day lol. How you begin to depend on routine for stability in your daily life eh. Shocking.

Anyway, a quick catch up on everything. Im not sure where to start. Oh I know, mum.
Yesterday, being Monday, the doctors started doing their rounds again, and started looking at what else could be causing mums problems. There is still an internal bleed, and she up until Sunday evening was still having tranfusions. Which I am assuming as they have not found the "leak" yet, must continue until thats resolved.
So you can imagine my suprise when she text to say they were letting her go. A trip to the hospital and a chat with the nurses last night confirmed this, and she was discharged, pending further appointments for investigation. Now call me daft or stupid, but if she is still losing blood, and has been getting topped up every day or 2, then what happens now she is at home, and how long til she needs to go back in for a top up?

The next stage of the investigation is a colonoscopy, but she has to wait to be sent an appointment for that, so I have no idea when that is at all. She does however have an Oncology appointment at Guys tomorrow. Although it remains to be seen if she actually goes or not.

Me on the other hand. Im on a bit of a slippery slope at the moment if the truth be told. Been here before, and am clinging on for dear life right now.
Depression or becoming very introvert is a regular side effect for me when going through something like this, and its that I am fighting right now. Taking a look from the outside I am noticing myself wanting to do less and less, and just looking for the easy ways out.
Yesterday evening was spent listening out for mum, making sure there were no loud thumps, making sure I could hear her cough from time to time, and that she was not calling out for me. Today will be spent torturing myself, wondering if she is ok while I am at work. And so the routine will continue.

I am desperate to get some of my own routine back now, like gym for one. I have a plan to get in better shape and intend on sticking to it, or at least getting back on track with it. Although at the moment I am desperatly lacking the enthusiasm to even pack a bag for the gym, let alone go there. So this week I am trying to establish an early rise routine, walking the dogs early, leaving me time for the gym with no excuses. If I stick to it til Mon, then I can start back at the gym on Mon too. Fingers crossed for me.

Right, time for a breather, might be back later with more steam to blow off.

Just had to pop to the hospital to see mum. She has been moved to a general ward for further studies.

She decided to go walk about against their advice because as she says "I can't take this" apparently being "stuck" in a hospital where you are constantly being topped up with blood and kept alive is a bit of a chore.

Grrr sometimes it makes me pretty angry listening to her moaning about the staff, the treatment, the food, the bed, and anything else she can moan about.

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

Right, mum first.
She is now in a stable condition, and following her endoscopy they have NOT found where the bleed is coming from. Thankfully though they are keeping her topped up with blood, with 2-3 units a day being pumped in to keep her running. She is miserable and just wants to be at home. She is trying to block out what is going on, for the sake of complaining and saying she wants to go home.
Other than that, she is behaving in the hospital, and back to eating again, which she is thankful for.

All that said, as I type, mum has just text to say she cant take it there anymore, and wants some clothes so she can just come home. So not really thinking too straight or paying much attention to what is going on with her. Really does not seem to grasp what is going on inside.

However... Yesterday I jumped in the car in the morning and drove up to Wales to see my aunt.
4 hours to get there thanks to roadworks etc. But well worth the drive. Arriving in the town was really quite emotional, and it took a while to compose myself. So I took some time, taking in the views from the seafront (Which I will post soon)
On arriving at my aunts house, I took a couple of minutes to get myself together, and message a few people to say I was there. But noticed my aunt was already looking out of the window at the car, curiously.
When I finally knocked, the greeting was very warm, and the hug alone made the trip more than worth it. We had a long chat and discussed many things, from health to current affairs lol. And I plan to return as soon as I can to see her again.
The drive home was a bloody nightmare, taking about 5 1/2 hours in total. Pulling up on the drive, the total distance was about 502 miles. And worth every inch.

The road ahead. With the recent text from mum it is obvious that she is getting twitchy and wants to be out of there as soon as possible. I can see some problems unfolding from this, but I am not saying a word, and will see how things pan out.
Hopefully she will hang in there, and let them do the investigations and find out what is going on inside before trying to escape the ward. While I can understand its boring, frustrating and a little upsetting, I dont think that coming home and bleeding to death is really the answer. With her current blood loss she would be lucky to stay alive for 24 hours.

Just a footnote to this entry, not a lot of detail, but blogs are for venting right?
Yesterday I felt a little like a delivery courier or something. Dropping something off in Wales, but collecting something else to bring back with me that I was not expecting. Thrown a bit of a spanner in the mental works, but nothing that cant be sorted out. Im sure more detail will follow in time. But a strange twist none the less.

Strange night sleep, no sounds of coughing or choking all night. In fact a silent house apart from the sounds of the dogs moving around in the hallway, clippity clop of their claws on the boards. Quite theraputic, strangely.

Anyway, no news from the hospital at this point, which over night is a good thing.
What we do no so far is as follows.
Yesterday afternoon after saying she could not make a GP appointment as she felt to weak, she began convulsing. Thankfully due to some cunning thinking there were 3 of us there. I called the ambulance while Paula and Dave (sister and her BF) got mum on the floor into recovery and took care of her. Sister did well on this occasion, with a little guidance/interferance from me.

During the fitting she discharged a large amount of blood. 4 EMT's got her stable and slightly responsive again, and got her into the ambulance, ran some ECG's and then whisked her off to Lewisham Hospital. I followed shortly after. Why didnt I go with her? Well simple, ambulances are small and I have a car. There were 2 EMT's in the back with her, so driving and not being in the way was the right choice.

I arrived about 20 mins behind the ambulance, knowing they would need to work on her anyway, and I would not be allowed in. On my arrival I was shown through to the Family Room, and asked to wait for the doctor. For a moment I really thought that was it, and she was gone. No sense of panic or distress at that point, but I think I have a barrier up at the moment and am trying not to let things get to me. But I KNOW deep inside there is a lot of anguish and upset screaming to get out. Just got to find the right time for it.

After about 10 mins one of the doctors came out and advised me of her condition, what had happened, and what their plans were. I am very grateful for when you are given a clear picture rather than a pretty one.

The diagnosis was quite simple, she had collapsed/fitted due to quite a severe loss of blood. On researching it, it appears a 30-40% loss of blood will cause such symptoms. And for that reason she has undergone a tranfusion of 4 units over night to try and top her up a bit, and get her in a better state. The next issue is to find the bleed. This is where is could be simple or complex. The doctor says he feels its probably in the stomach area, and they will so xrays, scans and hopefully an endoscopic procedure later today to locate the bleed and see about resolving it.
As with any internal bleeding, its not always as simple as that, so this chapter is far from over.
Her BP reflects the loss of blood being down around 90/55 but should improve as more blood enters the system.

The next question is how long has it been going on, and what harm as it done. Bleed site infected etc. The other issue is, she has been taking Warfarin for a year or so now to thin the blood due to DVT's. However now they have has to counteract this due to the bleed, so the DVT risk rises again for a while. Another "damned if you do...." moment.

She said last night while still in resuscitation "I wish this was it, I wish I had just died" which is quite a hard thing to hear your mother say. On the flip side, for all the time she has been feeling weak and tired, a lot of it has been caused by this. So there is a possibility that this is not it for her at all, and she will feel a damn sight better once she has some blood in her veins and colour in her cheeks.

I shall update as I know more. Will be speaking to the hospital, and paying a visit this morning just as soon as we know its ok to do so.

And if you were wondering about the last dilemma.... Well its still unresolved and undecided, but last night sure brought the true strength of the situation to home, and made that decision even more important now. Hoping mum will be in a fit enough state to discuss this later, without stressing her too much. My sister wants mums blessing before telling Joan about it, but appreciates she needs to know soon.

In other news...
Trivial I know but hey, its a blog right!
Diet was paused last night, wanted food in my to deal with stress etc, so grabbed some grilled chicken and chips. I shall repent!
And also the new phone arrives at work today. Trying out the Android system with a MotoDEXT