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Well here we go. Just blowing off a few seconds of steam while the paramedic techs take care of mum.

She collapsed just after I got home, going into convulsions, and stopping breathing for a short while.

Thank you to London Ambulance for an amazing response and their guidance on the phone.

Just having ECG's etc run at the mo to see which hospital she will be taken to.

Updates to follow.

Regards

Michael

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....damned if you don't. That's the saying right?
Well it applies to me very well right now, as I sit here in the middle of one of the biggest dilemma's of my life.

A short version of a long story for you.
There were once 3 sisters, Joan, Mary and Ann (mum to me). All born in Wales, Ann moved to London when she was young and settled down. Mary and Joan stayed in Wales. Joan married, Mary settled down with a friend, and Ann married and had kids (that's me +1)
Ann and the kids would visit her sisters twice a year, and spend time with both families. One year and argument broke out between Mary and Joan and they stopped talking. Some 8-10 years later, still having not spoken (on Mary's wishes) Mary's life long friend passed away from cancer. Peggy (my assumed aunt) was all Mary had, so Joan reached out to her and they connected again.

A few years later Mary married finally, but soon became ill. As her and Joan lived close, Mary told Joan she was ill, but asked her not to tell Ann as she was far away, had kids, and would worry etc. Mary soon passed away too, from cancer. Ann found out that Joan had held out on her, and until this day, although they still speak, it is a form of silent resentment from Ann towards Joan.

Now the big twist. Ann (my mum) is now terminally ill with cancer, and still over 200 miles away from her now aging sister. She was diagnosed 2 years ago, but has still not told Joan that she is ill. She says she does not want to worry Joan with it, as she is old and it would put pressure on her. But when you nag about her seeing Joan she admits that she does not see why she should tell Joan, as Joan never told her about Mary. The problem with that is, its a vicious circle.. Mary swore Joan to secrecy about her illness, Ann resents Joan for keeping this secret. Now Ann (mum) wants me to keep the secret, which leaves only me (and my sister) to take the full brunt of the resentment, and upset from Joan for not being told her sister was dying.

Told you it was complex!

So, if I tell Joan, I have "betrayed" my mothers confidence, and if I don't, I will have held out on Joan's only hope to see her dying sister, for the first time in about 10 years I might add!

Personally I am swaying towards telling Joan. Its always seemed the morally right thing to do, I think my mum really needs to talk about this with someone else, and the truth of the matter is that Joan is quite possibly too old and frail to make the trip to London to see mum now anyway. Although I would dearly love it if she could.

Mum of course will worry about the state of the house, how Joan might "judge" her etc before finally realising its her frickin sister, and she needs to do this.

The next awkward decision is how to do this! In person is the only way really. And I would have to be prepared in case Joan wanted to travel down, so would have to take a spacious car with me for her comfort. Dear oh dear, nothing is simple eh.

Anyway, that's my dilemma for the day. Makes the rest of the day quite pale and boring in comparison.

Thanks for reading, and have a great day, sorry for the depressing tones.

Well the day started out early, with me having to be somewhere first thing for an "exam". Nope, for once I don't mean an examination, I mean an exam, a test. Which I am pleased to say I passed, with a rather good score if I do say so myself. Was all a bit of a last minute panic as I have been a bit short of time recently, so revision suffered, but in the end it all worked out.

So by 10am (ish) I was all done and headed home.

Got home, checked online to see if the payment to AMEX was finally through, and I'm pleased to say it was, so we know what that means. Holiday booking time. I'm jumping forwards a bit there.

While getting ready for work I did my morning weigh in, and am pleased to announce that the official weight of the day is 233.6lbs. So still dropping nicely, making the effort all the more worth it. I shall continue on the plan I have worked out, and hope to be sub 230 by the end of the weekend. No eating out for me this week eh!

So the time came to go to work, so I popped into the kitchen to say hi and bye to mum. While I was there she asked me if I knew how long the assignment of tenancy would take. I explained it would be around 42 days as the man had told me. She grimaced at that and said "I'm not sure if I will be around that long", then went on to explain in simple terms that she things she will die soon. Always a nice thing to hear before you leave someone eh...... NOT !

Later this evening she explained that she has started bleeding, which I think she feels is a cancer internally bleeding, which is coming out through the bowel. Naturally I will be getting this checked out asap at the morning. Bleeding for her is bad (well it is for anyone) as she is on Warfarin.

Needless to say this news has knocked me a little bit, and suddenly my mind is racing again, the things that are going to happen, what could happen etc. But I wont dwell on that right now.

In other news today, I have finally got a delivery date from Dell for the new laptop mini, which is 26th march. I have managed to book our flights for Florida, so that's all on track (cheapest option, as it gives more flexibility on the rest of the trip) and after calling Orange to disconnect one of my mobile phones, ended up extending the contract, and replacing the handset with a MotoDEXT. Orange of course have been very generous with the tariff and handset etc. So I will get my first taste of Android on Friday.

Right that's me for now, all a bit unstructured I know, but just jotting rather than blogging today.

..or not as in my mums case right now.
I have taken a day off today to try and finally start tackling this whole hospital/doctor thing with mum, and rather than rushing at her, and having a heated conversation with limited time, I can just talk, nicely with her about it and try and talk her round to at least trying to tackle the breathing thing.

Granted, now she has a cold too, its going to mask some of the underlying issues for the time being. But ultimately she needs to get seen by someone, or the future is bleak right now.
I have come to terms with and accepted her wish to let the cancer run its course. I have spoken to the doctors and have an idea of what to expect as that gets worse, and have accepted that. But the bit I have not signed up for just yet is the struggling to breathe, fighting for air, and total immobility caused by this "oh I give up" attitude towards her breathing.

As I write this she is in the kitchen, smoking and choking away with the little air she can get into her lungs, if that's not giving up, I don't know what is. Because of this, spending time with her is becoming difficult. Trying to get her out for lunch or other such simple things for her to enjoy are just impossible now.

So the plan, well I don't actually have one. I want her to see a GP, but at the same time I would really like her to get referred to the hospital again, and maybe a short stay there to get some treatment, nebulisers, medication she cant avoid, and cut down on the smoking for now. This is honestly worse than knowing she has a terminal illness. Watching her just wasting away is heartbreaking to say the least.

Also today, between bouts with mother, I have to get to the housing office too, to get the paperwork sorted out for the house. Get some shopping in for mum as she appears to have run out of all kinds of food, not that she eats of course, it all tastes so foul and she can eat a thing.... yeah right!
The dogs will need their morning walk too, which today I think will have music playing through headphones too. Its strange, as much as I love being out with the dogs, in the fresh air, getting the heart going.... It drives me mad! Why? Simple, all that time to think, and I spend an hour and a half just stewing about stuff, winding myself up, running scenario's through my head, arguing with people in my head. Music silences the voices lol.

Right, I'm ready for battle..... let battle commence.

Got home this evening, and the first thing mother said as I walked through the door was "can you call the hospital and cancel my appointment"..... Suprise, she does not feel well enough to go.
OK Its sort of valid, she has a streaming cold, and does not feel she should be in there with other ill people. But at the same time its the blood test clinic, to check her blood is clotting ok with her Warfarin. So quite important.

I had suggested I would take her there, and we could wait out of the way from the waiting room til its her turn, but then the story changed, it wasnt about the other people, she is just to ill to go there at all, as she cant move about without becoming breathless.

On making suggestions of alternative arrangements, I was just read the riot act, and on daring to ask again when her appointment was, on this occasion so I knew when to call to cancel, I had my head blown off by a booming scream of "im too ill to go" So with that I called it a night.
A little selfish I know but with that last bit my stress levels were going through the roof, and I would much rather not have a full blown arguement with her about it.

So im hoping to take a day off work tomorrow, get the hospital sorted out, get her back down to the GP or even A&E to get checked out properly. Something tells me she will be getting admitted to hospital some time soon the way her breathing is going. And without the ability to talk to her about it and get through to her that she is making herself worse, she is unlikely to get herself out of this situation.

So damn frustrating watching someone you love run themselves into the ground like this. Cancer aside, I still dont quite grasp how someone can give up like this, and exist in such a state of suffering when help in on hand.

Blah blah blah and all that, you know how all the optimistic saying go right?

OK so a rather hectic weekend, but a fun one too, and one that involved lots of eating. Or a darn sight more than I did for the week.
Friday saw an extra large chicken shish kebab for dinner (grilled chicken) Saturday saw Nando's, more grilled chicken, but this time with chips and garlic bread, as well as some chocolate and popcorn in the cinema, and buckets of Diet Pepsi. Sunday was to be the day of rest for my stomach, but with such a lovely day we decided to go out for lunch. That resulted in chicken wings for starters, grilled chicken and chips for main, and apple pie and custard for dessert (and loads more Pepsi Max). So all in all my stomach had a full load to contend with.

This morning I was expecting a pound or 2 extra on the scales, but guess what..... 0.6 of a pound less. So official Monday morning weigh in is 235.4lbs. Back on the shakes immediately and for the remainder of the week now. Gym is postponed as I have a few things I need to do this week and want to get them out of the way before I can be 100% focused and committed to returning to the gym.

This morning I have been up early, walked and fed the dogs, run a few errands, and am getting ready to pay off my last outstanding debt, which is a nice feeling. I will also be running up more debt just as soon as AMEX recognise my payment to them and credit my account with the 2k I gave them.

On the downside, on chatting to mum just now, it appears she has cancelled a doctors appointment as she is "too ill" to go again. Still not grasping the concept of me taking her there obviously. So that has led to a heated discussion and setting her straight that its go there, or they come here, which she will hate even more. Just wish we could overcome this whole messing about and avoiding doctors thing.

Right, so like I say, busy week ahead, a few important things I need to get done, so hopefully a good week and will have something to smile about by the weekend. In fact maybe a few things.

Here's to a good week for all.

Once in a while it helps you remove yourself from your boots, take a step back, and reflect. Take stock of what you have, and realise that life ain't so bad after all.
We all manage to immerse ourselves so deeply in our world, our lifestyle and life within our own little bubble. But because of this we fail to see the bigger picture.

All around us is pain, suffering, and people struggling to achieve the most basic things in life. I'm not talking about the 3rd world, war torn nations etc, I'm talking about here, the UK, London. Poverty, addictions, pain and suffering from all causes.

I moan a lot about "not got enough money for this" but in reality I live a pretty OK lifestyle. 2 holidays a year.... my mum is 72 and never left the UK, not even France! Only an x" TV, only Y spec PC and so on. Because these are all things I take for granted, that I am entitled to, deserving of, and should have in my life.
Then there is health, arm ache here, operation there, moan, moan, moan. But then turn and look at my mum going through hell right now. She waited to tell me about her cancer until after my first operation because she didn't want to upset me during recovery from the op!

OK its all getting a bit deeper than I planned here, so stepping back a little. What I am trying to get across is for every misfortune you have in your life, there will be 1,000 others out there going through far worse. Your PC crashed? Lots of people would love to have a PC, never mind if it crashes. Your car running rough? The thought of independent transport for some is a fantasy.

Be grateful for whatever life gives you. We are all blessed with life itself, that's a damn good start. Life is full of challenges, but that's what makes it exciting and worth living. To face and overcome issue, to learn and to educate others with your knowledge.

So in brief... when you are under it, feeling down, unfortunate etc. Take a step back from the situation, and reflect on how bad the situation REALLY is. Drop the drama, and take it at face values.

Right I'm off to walk the dogs and hug a few trees, have a good weekend.

Seeing as it is a nice day, and im feeling good about the weekend, and the road ahead now I thought it was time to reflect a little, so here goes.

The last couple of years have been a bit of a challenge to say the least, with ill health, surgery, family drama, and some big changes in my social life and online persona. Many changes have happened, and tidal waves of emotions have washed over my life on more than one occasion. But you know what... im still here, still ready to take whatever life can throw, and ready to move onwards and upwards.

The next year or 2 will see some big changes in my life, lifstyle will be a big one, but I remain confident I can deal with this.
Why so confident? Quite simple really... Friends.

So I post this to say thank you to my closest and dearest friends who have been there for me through thick and thin. Stood by me at desperate times, and shown concern when all falls quiet. It is people like you who make the world a better place, and I am thankful and grateful to be blessed with such people in my life.

Thats my deep and meaningful done for another decade now.

An hour or so ago I passed mum in the hall way and she informed me she was not going.
I took 5 and walked the dogs to get my head together, then came home for a "chat" with her. On getting home I noticed she has been smoking, made a coffee, and had a bath, but is too weak to go hospital.... I think not!

Just had a gentle heart to heart with her, and explained I am not going to pressure her into treatment etc, I just want her safe. She followed this by telling me she almost passed out getting out of the bath... So my worrys are now justified.

Needless to say she is just getting ready (with my sister) to go to the hospital.

Back on track

In a bit of a muddle and a rush right now so can't get on the PC, so thought I would just add this via the Berry.

The good news is, after a stern chat last night, and assurances that she won't have to walk far at the hospital, mum has agreed to go to her Oncology appointment at Lewisham today. My sister has even decided to join us this time too.

Just got a bit of a manic morning planning dogs, breakfast and transport to the hospital, so I am off for now.

Back later with "what the doctor said"

Regards

Michael

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