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Decision made.

A month or so ago I wrote a blog saying how I was struggling to get to grips with making a decision regarding my sessions with the RCGP. The plan was to have a week away in Svalbard, then come home with a clearer head. 

Unfortunately, even the best laid plans don't always go the way you expect, and this was no exception. Lots happened in a short space of time throwing my whole brain into a huge wobble. Withdrawing from social media, getting some space for myself, and taking a time out was needed. 

As things start to level out, I have returned to the topic of the sessions, and for a few weeks now have wound myself up trying to decide. Should I just carry on with the RCGP, and not do the KCL. Should I give KCL a go, and see how I feel after a few sessions?

Well, the next RCGP session is next month (April) so I thought I only fair to put some proper thought into it. Having done these sessions for about 5 years now, it has given me a lot to think about. In total during the sessions I have probably had more consultations and diagnose given on my mental health than most others, and with that comes a little clarity. 

Playing the sessions over and over in your mind, things start to make sense. 

So yesterday afternoon, I took 10 mins out to pen a couple of emails, one to KCL thanking them for the opportunity, but declining it. And one to RCGP, looking back over the years, explaining what it all meant to me, and saying I just can't keep putting myself through the scenarios. The more I have thought about it all, the more I realised how draining and detrimental to my wellbeing it all was. 

The helping and engaging part is fine. But the repetition of role play in a consultation, and subsequent discussions just chips away at me too much. To some that might sound silly, it's only pretend. But it's pretending to feel a way you have spent months at a time trying to escape feeling at all. Let alone pretending 8-10 times in a day. 

I would dearly love to carry on being able to do something for the RCGP, it genuinely felt heartbreaking to write the emails and know that that was that, and there will be no more. But it's for the best. 

 

Sometimes it takes a long time, a lot of space and a serious reduction in pace of life to be able to fully take stock of what's going on around you. I am happy with myself for finally giving myself that time. It has given me a much better appreciate of what I have, and what matters to me the most. The topic for another blog soon. 

 

So anyway, that's that. I will no longer be doing sessions for the Royal College of General Practitioners ?

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