OK I don’t feel quite that bad, but after a couple of wobbles and minor harmless rookie errors I am slipping back into a slump of self doubt. Reassured by my fantastic team, I bounce back each time having learned from my mistakes, but it doesn’t help with the feeling of not belonging that washes over me from time to time. 

Early days in training that feeling was normal, and something I expected to feel after being in my old job for so long, but I was sure I had started to shake that. Apparently that is NOT the case. Even now, the radio cues up, I press the necessary buttons and take a breath to speak, then for a moment think “that the fuck am I doing”, then my eyes dart all over the place checking and double checking I have done all the required things before I start talking. 

Now the thing to note here is its is NOT a race, and nothing is meant to be rushed. Methodical and deliberate is the way, not frantic and carefree. So taking a moment to double check things is normal and the right way to do it. But for me, looking over things and double checking means I am doubting myself, and it doesn’t feel right. 

As I am writing this I am realising that I am actually doing exactly what I am meant to be doing, and I am not doing anything wrong at all, but I just can’t get my head around doing things that way. I know in time it will become the norm, and I will feel more comfortable with the process, but for now I am very conscious of it all. 

I think combining the little mistakes, and the double checking everything culminates in my mind as getting things wrong and not being able to cope. It is only natural to be self critical, especially in a role of responsibility such as this. In fact I would go so far as to say that it is a positive to remain aware of my actions, and while feeling like it is a weakness at the moment, I consider it a strength moving forwards. A balance needs to be found, and I think that comes in time.

Now for a reality check…
Every shift I spend eight to 12 hours speaking to the public, offering advice, sending help to people, sometimes  on the worst day of their life. Speak and work in conjunction with other agencies to make sure the public and employees of the organisations are provided for and kept safe in their roles. I give it my all, I ask questions when unsure, and work with an amazing team of people who support me in my development and role day to day. 

I am doing a job I always dreamed of doing, and still chuckle when I drive in through the gates for each shift. Seeing the organisational emblem on the entry way to the building makes me genuinely proud to have achieved what I have, and smile knowing that the start of the year had me so uncertain, but now I feel like I am on an amazing journey. 

I am paid well for what I do, the conditions I work in are fantastic, and the people I work with are amazing, what more could I want? All I have to do now is improve every day, becomes the best I can be at my job, and love every minute of it.

Oh and the other thing I have to do is take a break. I am more than aware I have been working since early Aug and really could do with some time off now to let everything settle a bit and my brain calm down for a couple of weeks. I can’t wait for that time off now, but until then, I am ready to go on the next big challenge.