No matter what you think or do, you are never going to get it right. Even deciding which side of the bed to get out of this morning was probably the wrong choice. You know what I mean right? From first light today things have gone wrong, and not in simple to put right ways. I mean in ways that are simple from the outside, but once you get into them, they just become complex and messy.
Imagine you pull your headphones from your pocket, a few little loops in there you think, straight in 10 seconds.... 5 mins later you are standing there frustrated, pissed off and in a worse mess than you were to start with.
THAT'S the sort of day I'm talking about.
Your intentions are pure, your motivation is to do the right thing, but for some reason, before the day is out its all going to be one big bloody mess, with you rocking back and forth on the sidelines wishing you had just not bothered at all. Regardless of what part of your life you offer this comparison up to, there is always going to be an example of it. Fixing a car, decorating, relationships, there is always a time when you will screw things up without even trying.
For me today I have managed to lose focus and direction, spinning out of control mentally, travelling down roads I had sworn I would leave well alone. The knock on effect of this is a bit of a pain, messing with my focus, and breaking my concentration on other more important aspects of my life.
I should say at this point that I have done a lot of soul searching over recent days and weeks and have decided that I can be a little selfish and dramatic at times, and really do blow things out of proportion. OK so this isn't life and death, its not the end of the world. Nor will I become homeless or hungry any time soon. So on the grand scheme of things, its REALLY not so bad, and that's what I keep telling myself. But for some stupid and maybe selfish reason, my mind just refuses to let go of certain things, and insists on bring them back to the front of my mind at the most inopportune times. Like now !
I wont go into details on here, there is really no point, you have all heard it a million times now. But I will say that I really need to learn to check with my brain before engaging in certain activities. I have had a lot of support over these matters over recent times, and as ever you all deserve a massive thank you for your time and efforts invested in my sanity. I have also realised how numbing my depression medication was. Being able to switch off a train of thought was a great trick, but in the long run I guess I need to face my demons to be able to overcome them.
Unfortunately the list seems to keep growing recently, although on closer inspection its probably a few root problems which conspire against me to cause all sorts of messed up issues for me. Weight control, financial control, and responsibility seem to be my greatest downfalls. Even they could probably be condensed down a little, as better spending would not allow to overspend on food, and would therefore eliminate that too. OK so its just down to money and responsibility I guess. Sounds about right, the two greatest downfalls of man as a whole.
Money, I am terrible with, want want want, but never WANT to pay bills or get myself straight. Always focusing on somewhere further down the line in my fantasy life where money is all sorted. That said, if I achieve my goal in Feb, I will not only tackle money, but also responsibility. Which is probably why the next few weeks are so important to me. It could change so much for me, but with the stresses of life once again building up at my door, I risk it all.
As for responsibility, well that is a long story. Responsibility for my own daughter seems to have evaded me for many years, instead passing the buck to another, and being very lucky that she ended up in such good hands. I guess that's one of the things eating away at me at the mo. I have covered it all before, missed opportunities, mistakes I might have made along the way, but recent events, and anniversaries bring it all back to haunt me, leaving my brain filled with negativity and other messed up thoughts.
Sudden reminders that I am no longer the man I once was, and gentle hints given along the way that somewhere I need to make changes. No regrets, that's all the past, there is no point looking back and wondering what if.. But seeing the road ahead and knowing what it could be if I make the effort, pushes me to assess myself. and make adjustments. I want change, I want chances, I want opportunities to help others as well as myself, and most of all I want to make a difference. Somewhere in someones life, I want to be the cause, the catalyst, the reason for something good happening or changing to them. Remembered for something worthwhile, and not just as an existence and a blurred memory.
Hey I'm no Einstein, nor peoples hero, but nor am I afflicted or blighted with misfortune and pain. I have the chance to make a difference in peoples lives, while at the same time making a good life for myself... And THAT is what I want.
So away with the sorrow, goodbye to the doubt. I need to put insecurities behind me, and walk tall and proud forwards. Into the coming month, filled with ambition and drive.
Amazing how a mood can change just through writing a few (ok quite a lot of) words. This is why I love my blog. I don't know if people will read it, I don't know if people even care, but just through telling someone, and sounding my thoughts out, suddenly it all makes sense again.