I can't quite put my finger on it, I am not sure what exactly is bothering me, but I know things are not as settled deep inside as they appear on the surface.
The past couple of weeks have been a bit of a blur. Redundancy pay received, new car ordered and received, clock ticking down on the scheduled start date for the new job. Not to mention tattoos, road trips, and the USA trip coming soon. Like I say, there is a lot happening in a short space of time. Maybe that is it, maybe I have cracked it in the first paragraph. But I don't think so!
Since the tattoo sitting on my arm, and the subsequent week off from training, things have been a bit of a struggle. A break in route, a drop in fitness, and a slump in well-being too. All my vitals show that I have been unsettled. Sitting around while the sun was shining, and then when I was able to run and ride again, its been rain, rain, rain! That has to knock anyone a bit, right?
I think in general it has just been a weird time, I have lost my regular distractions and routines, and at the same time had other things to contend with. Getting the car ready for collection, getting the new car sorted to a point where I was happy with it. Seeing the days counting down for the holiday is a blessing, and something I am really grateful to have in the pipeline. Seeing the days ticking down for the start at the new job less so.
The whole new job thing is coming at me from multiple angles. While I wait for the DBS to come back (yup still waiting on that, almost 4 weeks since it was started now!), concerns creep into my head. What if the DBS has something on it (It won't!), what if I can't get through training, what if I don't get through probation.. And so on. Not to mention imagining what certain call scenarios sound like, and how it feels to be on the receiving end of one of them. Self doubt is not the end of the world. Most of the time I see it as an internal voice humbling me, to make me realise I am only human, and some of the things that might come up are the exact reason I want to do the job so badly.
However sometimes, at the wrong time of day, like when you are trying to sleep, playing out a scenario in your head isn't helpful. Of course the biggest thing here is the great unknown, the absolute void of knowledge about how things work. And that right there is my saving grace. I know that somewhere along the lines, people have either experienced or thought up these scenarios, and there will be training and procedure in place for it. So I see the voices I get in my head as a wake up call to what lays ahead. And while I don't currently have the training or knowledge to deal with them, I do have the passion and determination to.
I have to admit, I check the progress of my DBS multiple times a day, not expecting to see a status change, but secretly hoping to. Just getting that sorted and returned, and finally getting a contract to start work will be a massive boost for me, but as I said, I know it won't be the end of self doubt. Not a terrible thing. The day I start believing I can do anything I want, and set my mind to, is the day I need a kick in the arse and to be told to wake up! We all have our limits, but in this case, I know THIS is not one of them.
As I write, and try to make sense of it all in my head, I think I just want a timeline now.
Currently in 6 days I am back in Wales for a couple of days, 16 days time I fly to Florida, and in 34 days I am due to start training.
Do the maths on that and you will see that after 14 days in Florida, I come home with 3 days left before I am meant to start work. So if the DBS doesn't arrive before I fly out, I have to deal with that while I am away, and have it hanging over me to kill my vacation vibe a bit.
In an ideal world, I will get my DBS by the end of this week, send it off, and hear back from work by some point next week. Then the week I go to Florida I know how everything is going to play out. What I need to be doing the week I am due to start. Time, place, documents etc. Rushing at the last minute is not really my thing if I can help it.
I think I just need some time out on the bikes, some head-space and a breather like I used to. Hopefully Wales will at least offer one day of riding, so I can test that theory. Which reminds me, the running plan I am doing has really been quite demanding, so that is possibly something else that has impacted how I am. The past 12 weeks, running 4 times a week, 20ish miles a week, combined with the weather, and other commitments has not left me much time to get out on the bike at all. I miss riding!!
Right, I have said all I ca think of. There are a million and one other thoughts going on in my head, but that's all for another blog, or maybe not at all. Whatever happens, I am grateful for what I have, and want to make the most of every opportunity I can.
Thanks for reading another ramble. Til next time.