Recent days might have quite clearly shown some fogging over of the senses and some distancing from what's going on around me. Today however started with a bit of a literal wake up call. On this sharp and brief wake-up I have noticed something alarming, and am starting to realise its been going on for a while now.
Getting up in the mornings is a bit of a chore some days, we all get it, but being able to sleep in til gone 10am is almost unheard of for me in recent years. "Catching up" on sleep etc is just an excuse and not really real. so my night time sleep has been broken from time to time, but not enough to make me feel so lethargic during the day.
But its not as clear cut as that, oh no. Once I am up and doing something, walking to dogs, meeting people etc I'm right as rain, alert, awake and full of conversation. But once there is a period of down time, that's exactly what I do, shut down. Any time of day, be it midday, or late afternoon, my current strong desire is to just go to bed and go to sleep.
I don't feel ill, or drained, in fact nothing like that at all. I probably physically feel better than I have for a long time. But something in my head just says "tired-sleep" and if I can I do exactly that. Which when I'm back with it just feels like an utter waste of time, lazy and then the worry (like now) starts. What is going on in my head? Am I now starting the downwards journey of depression here, or is there just something lacking. Stimulation, direction, oh I don't know.
I hate the confusion of not knowing what's going on in my head, just writing this all is waking me up and stirring interest in my mind, I'm starting to feel alive and revived again. I'm guessing a trip to see the doctor about this is called for, and maybe some drastic changes to my environment. I had planned to get away again soon, as its been some time since I have, but with all this in mind, that plan needs re addressing and I need to work out what is best for me here and how to achieve that. Confusing eh!
Right, I woke up because I have things to attend to, but wanted to jot this all down so I can read back in a bit and once stimulated, hopefully make more sense of it all. Maybe start conversations with others about it too and start working it out.
Early days on this trip, let's hope its a short uncomplicated one!
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