Bit of a shitty start to the week, after an active weekend, and a run to start my week, I have dropped into a bit of a slump. Not sure if I am just feeling quiet, being a bit sulky or just repercussions of the end of last week (second assessments, of which I am still yet to blog about.)
Withdrawn.... That's the word I was looking for. Edited to pop this in. I feel withdrawn today.
First session in class and I am yet to speak, I just don't feel very engaging today. I have my suspicions of why, so thought I would write this to explore them. Hopefully during writing this I will understand it a little more. Usually how it works anyway.
So let's start with the oldest and work forwards. Thursday and Friday last week was the end of Week 7 and time for our second assessments. As with the first ones, I was not stressed, but quietly confident that I would at least achieve a pass mark (which I did).
Before the assessment I had been feeling a bit ill, but got through the assessment OK. Getting my results the next day I was happy with the mark, especially given how I had felt on the day.
However as the weekend progressed I started to feel a little self aware. Knowing a couple of the others marks, somehow the mark I received no longer felt as good as it had, and slowly I started to feel a little less confident, and started beating myself up about it.
The weekend was a bit of a slow burner, so I dug in and did some running and cycle training to try and distract myself. The rest of the weekend was a bit dull, and didn't really keep me as distracted as I needed to. A bit of shopping, some relaxing and tried soaking it off in the bath.
I was hoping that coming back to work and getting stuck into the workplace, but that has not been the case. I have instead sat in silence mulling everything over in my head, so it's even harder as I am distracted and missing half the lesson while I sit here in a bit of a mini spiral, sulking over things that are out of my control, and a situation am actually satisfied with.
Another of those moments where I really question the rationale of my mind. There is no good reason to feel this was, but even when I try and take a deep breath and snap out of it, it's not happening.
Maybe I am just suddenly realising I am a bit mentally exhausted at this point, and setting expectations too high for myself. Not doubting my abilities, but maybe realising that I am not as upbeat as I thought I was. To be honest, I am quite pissed off with myself at this very moment and just want to curl up for a bit and hide. Maybe that's on my to do list for lunch time.
Front writing this I have realised that I just want to be quiet today, but am also aware of what that can lead to. So do I push myself to engage, or do I just have a day out of the moment and just see if things reset?
Newsflash Just heard we are getting our watches this week too. More to over think, great.!