Snazy

Over the past month I have had the pleasure of four sessions with Rachael from Genius Within as part of a plan to help me with my approach to learning and dealing with the mental load. I first heard the term “mental load” on a popular podcast, and the idea of it has stuck with me for some time. Yet as familiar as I was with it, I had no idea how to measure mine or understand its impact on me day to day.

Following a conversation with a supervisor at work, I was referred (at my request) to Learning Support within the organisation. The idea being to see if any needs or requirements could be identified, and to gain a better understanding of how I function both at work and at home in my private life.

After the initial online meeting I was then referred to Genius Within for four sessions with Rachael. As usual the anticipation of the unknown set in fast, but with my new open minded approach to things I welcomed it with open arms.

Having a quick read up on what Genius Within do, I was delighted at what I read. Neurodiversity awareness, training and coaching. Perfect. Now all I needed to know was am I in any way neurodiverse?

The idea of the sessions was to just have open and frank discussions about general day to day life both at and away from work, and explore how I function. Identify any areas I appear to struggle with, see if there are triggers, and find ways of coping with those moments.

I was delighted when I did my first session, even if it was a chore to set up. With me planning them for when I was off work, the first session was carefully planned, then a training day was organised and it caused a clash. Thinking quick I arranged for the session to be during the lunch break of the training. Maybe not my smartest decision, but it got the ball rolling.

Unknowingly it had actually worked out well. Training is one of the things I can struggle with at the best of times, depending how it is presented, and not giving myself much time for a lunch break set the scene for me being in one of the scenarios that leaves me feeling exhausted and discombobulated. I struggled for a minute to find somewhere to have some privacy for the Teams call, eventually settling for a top floor office.

Joining the call I was a little anxious to say the least, but my mind was put at ease within seconds of meeting Rachael. “CLICK”, and we were connected, I was at ease immediately and the conversation flowed very naturally. I was happy to discuss any and all aspects of my life straight away. That said that is nothing new for me, given some of the things I put in this blogs at the best of times. None the less, the hour flew by and before I knew it we were wrapping up and planning the next session.

We had already discussed and discovered numerous things, and I was already starting to see the benefits I might find by doing the four sessions. Thought processes already being challenged, and ideas for what might trigger the mini spirals, and also what might help with them. I was excited for the next session.

The following sessions seemed to fly by, I felt no apprehension at the idea of joining them, and unlike the last CBT course I had done, these felt productive and most importantly I felt like I was being listened to by someone who actually wanted to help me, rather than someone ticking boxes to get to the end of a process they really didn’t want to be a part of.

I found myself in different settings for all of the sessions, and even with some minor technical difficulties we worked our way through them. By the end of the last session I almost felt like I was saying goodbye to a friend. I have enjoyed the sessions and the conversations we have had. Discussing literally all aspects of my life, from my childhood, to the birth of my child and my now later years with changing jobs, and dealing with my mental health. None of it felt false, in fact it felt like some of the most genuine conversations I have had on the topics in years.

I am not sure it was even necessary to touch on some of the topics, but I am glad we did, as it really opened my mind even further.

I discovered I seem to have developed many a coping mechanism over the years, and have learned to deal with the challenges my mind can throw up very effectively all things considered. Learning to adapt rather than avoid, and along the way I like to think I have tried to pass on my coping mechanisms to others, rather than seeing people of similar minds suffer in silence. I was humbled to be to told how well I appeared to be doing, and even that there was potential within me to help others learn too, using my own methods.

Reading the reports after each session was confirmation of how I felt ending the calls. Empowered, enlightened and most of all encouraged to keep doing what I am doing, and maybe even try some new things. Reading the final report left me a little empty for a moment, knowing it was the last session was quite sad, but on reflection I have come away with new tools for dealing with things, and through conversation and confirmation, I now feel comfortable with decisions I have made and the way in which I do things.

What happens next? Well that is quite the question. I went into this whole journey curious, and wanting to discover if there was a reason for the way I function, and maybe even a label that goes with it. Not for one second wanting to be a statistic or pitied, let alone treated differently to others. But mainly to understand myself a bit more. So I can exercise some self compassion when things get on top of me, and give myself a moment to adjust to overcome the challenges I am facing.

The biggest take away from the whole thing, other than having a new found appreciation for people working in this field, who really do feel like they want to make a difference, is the phrase “cognitive load” and realising when the load starts to exceed my brains capacity. This has truly been incredible to explore, and having an understanding of my capacity, and how it changes in different settings has also been a revelation.

When we had discussed my long history with mental health, especially the anxiety side of things, a correlation started to appear. Stick with me here.

The older I have become, and the more experience with my own mind I have had, I have started to be able to identify moments that feel like the start of something. A spiral, the top of a slippery slope. In fact I have written about these a number of times now, and finding myself catching myself at the brink, and fighting to find a way to escape the edge.

But it turns out, some of the time I might have been reading it all wrong. For me, the start of a long bout of anxiety starts with feeling lost, bewildered and out of touch with things around me. Almost a moment of confusion that just seems to last for an eternity. At the moment I feel the disconnect beginning I start to mentally shut down. Shutting people out, avoiding situations, and nowadays doing everything in my power to prevent it escalating.

Sometimes that can then lead to isolation, which in turn leads to depression. On the odd occasion it has done that I have found myself swinging like a pendulum from anxiety to depression, back and forth for months on end. So it is understandable that I do everything in my power to avoid the edge and falling in. But wait… It turns out that every feeling like that is NOT necessarily the beginning of a doom spiral. It turns out some of it might just be “cognitive overload”

Think of it like a computer when it throws up that “out of memory ” message and freezes. That is my mind But rather than a clear error message letting me know I am out of memory for a moment, and just need to take a second to free some up, it is a glitching screen which makes me think it is all about to break beyond repair. Through the sessions I have discussed and I “think” learned a little about it all, to a point where I might be able to differentiate between a genuine start of something bad, and the lesser feeling of just being momentarily overwhelmed mentally.

Maybe a little like when I have compared peoples general day to day down moments with a bout of depression. In the moment they may feel the same, but one is a little wobble and the other is a huge fall. They should NOT be confused with one another.  So learning about things that trigger my cognitive overload have helped me to see how I can catch myself in the moment, and assess what is happening. Then act accordingly.

I feel I could write a whole separate piece about this, so think I will do that, and save you all reading any further. But for now just having the knowledge that occasionally I will come across a situation that will cause me to run out of memory for a moment is life changing. Knowing that there are things I can do to free up that memory, and get back to processing things quickly is really helpful. And even more helpful is finding the things that cause me to feel overload in the first place, and maybe avoid them by taking a different approach.

Like now, I can feel my attention waining, and know that I am coming to the point where I can no longer write anything worth reading, is a good point for me to start wrapping up. Writing has always been therapeutic for me, but only to the point before I become obsessed. Feeling the need to write for the sake of it is exhausting, and feels like soul destroying repetition.

So I will end this by saying thank you to Rachael and Genius Within. And that I look forward to the next steps, exploring further where I sit within the diagnostic spectrum of things, and whatever the outcomes, I am walking away with a better understanding of my mind, a new found respect for my processes and self developed coping mechanisms, and a bunch of new ways to approach and tackle whatever life throws at me next… I’M READY !!

Thanks for reading this extended entry 🙂