For the past six to eight weeks I have been missing a little something. Something that usually keeps me balanced and sane. That little something is exercise. Following the treatments on my foot and shoulder I have been left unable to get up to my usual antics to keep the demons at bay. And boy did they come knocking for me.
While I have been abstaining from running and cycling, I have also been amassing chores at work. Adding to the mental load without any form of relief from the stress of it all. Add to that a few weeks of leave to put my mind back into a state of doubt about what I am doing, and you have the perfect storm.
I have been aware it was brewing for a while now, and have spoken about it to multiple people, but yesterday it broke, and almost took me with it. A simple indiscretion, a brief exchange and I was done for. Spiralling wildly all afternoon, slept like shit, and woke this morning feeling exhausted and bewildered. A bad nights sleep is never a good thing, but off the back of the afternoon I had had it was really the last thing I needed.
In my head I knew what was wrong, but I wasn’t about to let common sense prevail. Last night I wanted to find excuses not to go into work today. Arriving early today I went for my usual pre-tour run to try and shake it off, but on arriving back at work it was clear it was still hanging over me.
After starting work, and trying to just move on it was obvious I was not feeling great, so I took drastic action. Not really, I just did what I needed to. Addressed the issue from the previous afternoon, and then asked a wonderful person I work with if I could have a moment of her time. Blessed as I am with the people I work with, we spoke through most of our break, and a hug sealed the deal.
It felt great to just say everything I was feeling, discuss what could be done to address it, and find a way to move forward. Instant relief is a real thing. The weight was lifted, along with the mood.
I really do hate feeling that low and shitty, but I am so happy that I have learned to understand where my moods take me, and what I need to do to try and escape the eternal spiral that can come from those moments. Another disaster averted, and back to work with a new spring in my step.
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