And I don’t mean YO! as in a greeting. You know the silly toys on a string that go up and down on a piece of old string. Well that’s how my mood is right now, and its pissing me off. It is one thing to start to spiral downwards and catch yourself. But it is a whole other thing to repeatedly be going up and down, and and down in mood. If nothing else it is exhausting.
The other day I was saying that I had had a low mood moment, but caught myself. While awesome to have done that, it is nothing new, and becoming a familiar practise when the moment arises. But within that process a lot of mental energy is used, and I struggle with fatigue for a day or two after. All is well though, as it’s all over and I am OK after a bit of rest.
However to do it again so quickly while already recovering from the last episode is just not on. Just like doing any sort of exercise which requires physical exertion, accumulated fatigue catches you fast, and those moments take longer and longer to recover from after each rep. That is how my brain is feeling right now. Recovering, but so so groggy, and desperately hoping this was the last one!!
Once again, this time was a simple little thing that rocked me a tiny bit, but the lasting effects just threw me off balance. I had had a slow day, was a little bit irritable already, and one last little thing was all it took to piss me off, and get the mind working overtime, and catastrophizing. Digging deeply into any personal topic that crosses my mind, and making everything about me. Not in a greedy way but a sort of self hating kinda way.
Memories of days gone by where a comment heard in the background immediately relates to or is about me. A comment in kindness is somehow contorted into a snidey comment, and no matter what good happens, there is somehow a negative to find in it all. I remember it so well, don’t like it and definitely don’t want to go back there again.
I have a few days off coming up soon, and am a little torn. Part of me wants to get out and do something active, like a nice long bike ride. Especially while the weather is still good. And the other part of me thinks last week was a busy and active week, and maybe THAT is the problem. Maybe I need a rest, maybe all the exercise and activity exhausted me. And then flipping it over again, if I DON’T go out while I am off, if I just sit around, I will feel like shit, and that I didn’t make the most of my time off.
Meh, who knows the right answer, I certainly don’t. Lets see how I feel after work, if I have any energy and inclination to go and do anything….
Thanks for reading
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