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For years now I have been perceived in many different ways,  from warm and caring,  to cold and callous. I see myself somewhere in the middle,  while I care about  things that are important to me,  I am somehow able to override or switch off from other emotions.

It seems the closer something or someone is to me,  the more I am able to ignore or at least mask my feelings about it.

Over the years friends and family have become ill or died suddenly,  yet I recall only ever crying once. When Adam died.  The first person I had ever spent a lot of time with,  dying. It was a bit of a shock to the system,  but passed quickly. Previously to that my aunt had passed after a short illness, and while I was openly saddened by it,  I somehow felt peace from knowing she wasn't hurting anymore.

But as the years have gone by,  I recall crying very little,  even about some rather traumatic times I have experienced. Is it normal not to cry,  is it strong or weak to cry? Everyone has a different answer.

Personally I have no shame or fear of the emotion,  and from past recollections,  I remember feeling relieved and exhausted by the experience,  but at the same time satisfied. So not being able to have a release when going through a tough time can really suck at times.

I have noticed over the past few years that I get choked up quite easily now,  emotional stories,  tear jerking films,  or even moments which get the heart racing and adrenaline pumping around the body,  the throat tightens,  the eyes water,  but it's far from crying.

Over a space of 4-5 years I have lost a lot of people very close and dear to me. When family you have known your whole life slowly slip away from you,  you expect  the mind and body to need a release,  turn a page,  start fresh,  cleanse the soul and all that.  But for some reason,  for me,  nothing! All just matter of fact,  all just par for the course.

So great has my concern grown at times about this,  I have actually sought counselling in the past,  to talk through my feelings and see if there is either a trigger I'm missing,  or a blockage in my mind stopping me letting go.  Something  from  my past which makes me fear crying,  but there isn't.

My only thought on the matter is that I have had a bit of a tough life in younger years,  learned to be a bit of a loner due to things which have happened,  and somehow shut down the part that shows weakness and sorrow.  I can express it verbally,  I can rationalise death so clearly,  but just can't rally up the physical emotion.

It's a strange feeling,  a horrible feeling,  emotional constipation to be blunt.  While I know there are people who think they are weak or silly to cry,  people who mock crying,  I can only envy those people who can actually tap in,  and let go.

I have never grieved,  rarely expressed emotion over any kind of break ups or partings of friends,  and look on helplessly as others around me express their emotion on a common subject.

This isn't a strength,  I know that for sure.  And while it makes me a strong character,  someone who can be relied on at a time of distress or upset,  it is a weakness in the same breath.  As you look  to me to help you cope,  as I hold you your hand and tell you it will be ok and to let it all out.  Deep inside I envy you and wish we could swap for just one minute,  and you could help me dig deep within my soul and open it up.

Not sure where this blog has come from,  guess it's like the lava of a volcano bubbling away under the surface.  It may never erupt,  it may never be seen,  but somewhere in the depths of me it a boiling pot of emotions.....

Thanks for reading.

Having had days to dwell on how im feeling right now, I have finally stumbled across this explanation  which I might add is an old one. Have you ever stood in a crowded room, surrounded by people you know, yet still felt alone? If so, then welcome inside my head right now.

Its a strange sensation, feeling like if you screamed for an hour, no one would hear it or even know you are there. While you hold conversation with the people around you all day long, and spend the whole time talking, at the same time you feel like there are conversations within you that cannot be had, exchanges of words needed, but no one to share them with. Its like being trapped inside your own head, with no one else to talk to.

By not being able to mentally reach out, all the conversations you are having in there just bounce around aimlessly. As we all know every good conversation leads to other conversations. So now put that inside a trapped mind. Imagine a marble rolling around in a box, each time a new conversation arises, another marble is added. And so it carried on, until instead of having that annoying nagging thought, or marble rolling about, it is dozens of them, crashing around inside your mind, making so much noise that day to day happenings seem impossible to deal with.

Its strange, hard to explain, how I can carry on functioning with doing things like writing this blog in a way which seems to make sense, but at the same time, other things, simple things from my day to day life just seem impossible to cope with or carry out. This morning I found every excuse possible not to walk the dogs, to avoid interaction with people, as it would just irritate me. Yet an hour later I was fine to get on a train to come to work and sit in a noisy office. And maybe thats just it...

Maybe the noise around the office, the strangers on the train etc all add up to be a distraction from ME! Not needing to engage in personal conversations, not having time to think about my life and myself, is just what I need right now, So for that I am very grateful.

But at the same time I am still left with the marbles. Ultimately they all need a way out of my head, all need dealing with, however at this time there is no logical way to get them out. Offers from friends to chat are gratefully accepted, but I feel like a burden to sit there saying 'me me me' all day long. It reminds me too much of people I already loath for doing just that. So I am still left with the quandary of how to get these thoughts out.
The big issue is the sensation of loneliness even WITH company. Dog walks in the evening have recently fallen silent with me just keeping my thoughts to myself, not wanting to touch on certain situations and conversations which have already been had a thousand times. But the problem is, half of the marbles in my mind are about these matters. Matters I cant control or change, but are driving me insane and eating away at my actual soul on a daily basis.

I guess time will take care of most of these things, then when the root is killed off, the weeds will die, or at least I hope so. If not I might just go completely crazy.

So for now, as I close this blog, its like a snail going back inside its shell. I just came outside into the wilderness to share these thoughts, and maybe even try and feel a little better by putting them out there. But now its time to go back inside, and back to the darkness of my mind, and the noise of the marbles crashing about inside my mind.

Thanks for reading.

Once again my demons of depression rear their ugly heads, and the pit of despair opens wide to try and swallow me up. Small things becoming the teeth of the demons, ready to consume me in a single vicious bite. An all too familiar feeling for me, and as usual there is no true reason for them to have broken free of their shackles.
My part here is to know what is happening, fight back, and refuse to allow them to catch me this time. Knowing all the warning signs of these bouts is key for me to fight back like this, and getting a grip on it early is important if I stand a chance of escaping without a mark on me.
Lack of energy, happy to sleep forever, no drive, and a touch of self loathing from time to time. Not to mention being emotionally delicate, and living on a short fuse. All the signs that things are going badly wrong in my head at this moment.
Why you ask? I have NO idea at all. Yes I have some stress in my life at the moment, but nothing worthy of feeling like shit. But I have a plan.
Not ignore it, not run away and hide, but to fight with every conscious thought I have each day. Refusal to let these little things weigh me down with doubt, anger and sorrow. Instead, turning negatives to positives, making the most of any situation thrown at me, and working towards the brightness of sunshine and happiness that awaits me on the other side.
As Waiting all Night (Rudimental) suddenly cues and plays into my ears, I picture the video and remember that the key to overcoming adversity and barriers in life is a two step progress. Positive mental attitude, and surrounding yourself with great people. Well I have the people, and I have the self belief, so it's just a matter of mixing them properly now to make it work out for me.
Typing furiously here, trying to get all these thoughts out of my mind and onto the WWW is a battle in itself, but something I need to do from time, now more than ever.
My name is Michael Snasdell, and from time to time I struggle with depression. I'm not ashamed, embarrassed or afraid to admit it, and nor should anyone be.
Thank you for reading. That in itself helps, believe me, being heard, seen and recognised is part of the process here. 
Regards
Michael

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