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Category: anxiety

Published on Leave a comment on I am the key to my recovery.
Since November it is fair to say I have had many moments and moods. Some which I would rather never experience again,  and others I wish I could hold onto and live over and over again.
From hope to utter hell,  my mind and the life around me have treated me to all kinds of delights and nightmares.
Finding what I think is stable ground,  only for it to all fall away from beneath me,  dropping me to the depth of depression I have never experienced before. Being forced to reach out in desperation to people to help me keep my head above water,  as recently as last week!
Each time I rise again from a drop in mood,  as I feel the strength building again to stand up against these  feelings and fight back,  my mind fools me,  pretending that something is the linchpin in the moment,  and that without it I will fall apart again.
The truth is,  the linchpin is in fact me. Of course I cease up at times,  and need friends to get me moving again.  But once I am able to,  I find myself standing strong and fighting hard to stay afloat for longer each time.
Leading myself into a false sense of hope based around something or someone I find and believe to be hugely beneficial to me and my recovery is in fact detrimental to my recovery. Almost like an addict fighting a habit of drugs and believing that alcohol is helping. It is an easy path to slip into.
One which makes me comfortable,  happy and distracts me from the things in life I am trying to avoid or be able to work with again. Instead there is an alternate reality which tempts me away from  the path of recovery,  and on to a path of temptation and fantasy.
Each time this happens,  the longer the self deceit lasts,  the further from the path I stray,  and the harder it becomes to get back on track.
Realising this is huge,  and a great help we of sound mind.  As is knowing the signs of a dip on mood,  or what your triggers for a mood swing are. However,  like over eating for example. Knowing it is bad for you is good,  knowing what you should be doing is good....  Actually sticking to it,  following what you know to be good for you is very hard at times. Especially when it's brain vs brain.
As the mind gets going,  the devil of depression on your shoulder is so good at convincing you that you should turn to an alternative,  believe in something false,  and throw yourself at it 100%. Sadly the other voice,  the one of reason and practicality is muted and has no say until it is all too late.
Opening your eyes,  waking from the fantasy which has fast become a nightmare,  the failure,  self loathing,  hatred and anger all comes rushing back. How stupid are you,  this is the 3rd time we have done this,  when will you learn,  why do you keep doing this to us. The voice of logic is once again present,  but instead of soothing and guiding you to recovery,  it bombards you with negativity. Trying to drum it into your thick head... STOP DOING THIS!
As many will tell you,  it's not the only voice to say things like this. People around you will do the same. Get over it,  just don't do it,  cheer up,  it will be ok. All words of amazing wisdom,  but which also display a complete lack of understanding. A friend recently very refreshingly said that he wouldn't offer any words of hope or wisdom as he knew they would not help.  And that is all others have to do. Nothing is better than  something daft,  believe me.
So with all this in mind, and my recent blog of Single Forever still being fresh. It seems solo is the way ahead in my life for a number of things and reasons. Not a bad or a sad thing. In fact being in control of my company is a good thing. Right now I have huge lows,  and an blessed with people I can turn to for either trivial distraction conversation,  or can just open up to.  Sounding things out to them has helped me see clearly at times,  and has led me to conclusions like this one. That recovery is my responsibility, and others around me have little impact on it.  So there is no point in trying to flog a dead horse.
I'm not closing down or shutting people out,  just taking the helm and steering this ship the way it needs to go. My posting on Facebook is generally pictures (inc Strava) or blog links like this one. And as a whole it is a happy way to be.  I try not to engage with people now,  have a lot of feeds turned off these days, and limited friends.
Yesterday I had a very clear realisation that the recovery here is not going to be quick or simple.  There are no shortcuts, no escape routes,  I just have to weather the storm,  and come out of it alone. My doctor warned me at the beginning of this episode that the second is usually worse and longer. Harder to treat, but a determined mind is able to rise up. Finally after 3 months of trying to prove her wrong, trying to fight the truth, I have accepted that I'm pretty much stuck for now.
I can write with ease when  my mind is clear. I can engage people in very small numbers (2 is a crowd!) I can have perfectly normal times during the day. Find pride and accomplishment in things I do, like running  and cycling for example. But I am also able to turn on myself in a flash,  tear down towers of achievement in seconds,  and turn into my own worst critic and enemy.  Worst part being,  it is all done with no explanation or warning. Hence my phrase "mood bombs"
My fight is to control these lows and moments of self loathing,  find peace in relaxation,  rather than  fearing silence. And to find some self respect which I can  hold on to on the journey back from the depths of depression.
I have seen lots of stories recently about men dealing with depression,  and how it is a hidden killer. Campaigns and appeals for men to rise up and seek the help they need. But at the same time I have also seen the help system from the inside, and still struggle to comprehend how the assessment process really works. Rejecting requests for counselling which I know works for me, and instead placing me on a group CBT course which I find detrimental to my state of mind.
I am seeing my other GP again thankfully,  another one who I trust and saw me through my last bout of depression years ago. It will be interesting to hear his take on the matter,  and see what he advises.
Thank you for reading this far.

Published on Leave a comment on Passed from pillar to post.

It's no secret that I am "in the system" as such for therapy to try and deal with whatever it is that is eating away at me. Strangely as things have progressed, so have the feelings and symptoms of it all. Today I made a breakthrough all on my own, realising that anxiety is almost my coping mechanism for depression. As the cycle goes around from deep thinking and low moods, so the anxiety begins while I search for the reasons for the depression. Somehow I trap myself at depression almost subconsciously protecting myself from the lows of depression. Knowing I can still function on some level with anxiety, but very little function when depressed. This I know for a fact. But how I have come to this coping mechanism I have no idea.

Blocking the outside out, disengaging from people, and avoiding social situations of all kinds happens with both anxiety and depression for me, but when only anxious, I say "only", I can still manage to get to smaller shops, communicate with a small few people, and of course exercise. With the depression I know that my day consists of dark rooms and staying in bed, and withdrawing from society to the point where even housework and day to day responsibilities suffer.

Anyway, back to therapy, that's what this entry is meant to be about.
Quickly looking back over the timeline.
Mid Nov, GP referred me to IAPT, the therapy section of the local NHS.
Early Dec, I received a letter acknowledging my referral, followed by an hour long phone call to see what therapy I needed.
Mid Dec, I received notice of my first therapy appointment for early Jan
Early Jan, went to first session and later blogged about it. I had been sent for CBT, but didn't feel it was going to work for me, but agreed to stick at it.

Today, I had my second appointment with the therapist. Last week I was given a sheet to fill out for 7 days, every two hours. Logging my activity, mood, mood intensity, sense of achievement, contact level and enjoyment. And also a test sheet to score my anxiety and depression. On arrival at the appointment I handed them over only to be given the log back telling me it was for me. Errm I lived those days, so am pretty sure I know how I felt. Thanks for giving me something pointless to do!
The test score sheet was glanced at then put away.

At the opening of the session I was told that the therapist had spoken to her boss, who had agreed with her that I should probably be referred to a "depression group". Run by 3 people, and considered high intensity, they felt that this would be a better way for me to progress. Or I could stay at one to one therapy and carry on as I am. No pressure.... but choose NOW, you can't do both to see which is best, its one or the other. In reality the sales technique used felt quite bullish, so naturally I went with the easy option and accepted the group sessions.

By all accounts it is more a course than a group, with presentations and education on depression and self esteem, touching on anxiety. Or there was another group dealing with anxiety and stress. But tackling my two issues together seems impossible. In the therapists own words, having a depression and anxiety group would take forever to to get through. Well sorry for being awkward. We can help with one or the other, but not both, choose!
So the course lasts til April, 90 mins a week, in Lewisham. Active participation is not required so I am told. On describing the course to me, she explained it was 90 mins with a break and refreshments in the middle. And that during these breaks people can mingle and interact. My reaction was "oh god, strange people", to which I was told it was good for me to be "forced" into a social situation and to interact with people. Guess you didn't read the section on my test score where I rated interactions with people as stressful and upsetting then.

All that said and done, most of my worry is caused by the anxiety and the unknown, I could get there and feel fine, I know this. But I can't help but feel that so far this whole therapy effort has been a farce, so am really not encouraged to hold out much hope for the next stage.  With having an hour long phone assessment, then my first appointment being an assessment and introduction to CBT. Only for my second appointment to scrap everything that has happened so far, be given a huge pile of hand outs to read and be told, start with someone new again on a different road next week, really undermines my faith in trying any of this. I know these are tried and tested methods, but can't help feel ignored when I have said over and over that conventional counselling has worked for me before. Encouraging interaction, dealing with my past, and digging deep to find the root of this feeling. But hey, what do I know, I'm only the one trapped in my own head.

The outcome of todays session was about as negative as it can get really. I came home, tried to walk the dogs, managed Tuvaaq, got to the top of the road with Aana and turned back giving up. Great, too fed up to even walk! Coming back home with Aana, I ran a bath, had a quick soak, realised I was dropping off, so got out, dried off and went to bed for a couple of hours.
I would have to check back in my mood diary to see the last time I felt so low that I just completely shut down. But it has been a while. So to come from a help session and feel SO damn low, well that just sucks!

Since getting back up I have been for a walk on my own listening to music. I know I am not physically exhausted as my legs had plenty in them, but the motivation to keep moving, even with music in my ears was a struggle to say the least. So I am left feeling alone, withdrawn and misunderstood. Thrown from pillar to post as they make some kind of effort to help me. If I were to see my GP any time soon my feed back would be poor. If I could afford to go private with counselling, I would in a heartbeat.

Right, here is hoping the mood passes by tomorrow, and see if I can get back in the saddle, metaphorically speaking, and depending on the weather, maybe in the actual bike saddle.

Oh one other thing. Last week I expressed to the therapist how much exercise and walking I was doing, telling her distances and durations. Today she mentioned this, and I said yesterday I walked 15 miles and rode 25. She cocked her head and looked and me and said "in one day?" I said yes, I walk that most days. Glad she were listening last time!

Published on Leave a comment on Running scared!

Maybe not actually running, but walking as fast as I can, and as far as I can, for as long as I can, each and every day. Covering 12-20 miles a day on foot, and when the weather is right 10-25 miles on the bike, I think it is pretty obvious that in my head I am trying to escape it all, if only for a while. From the moment I wake I am trying to find places to go and reasons to stay active. If all else fails its onto the cross trainer for some stamina training and hill climb. I can change my clothes up to 6-7 times a day, soaked through from walking on my own or with the dogs, riding, or cross training. Some days even all four.

While exercise isn't inherrently dangerous in itself, the pretty rapid weight loss that is coming with it, partly due to the low food intake, isn't the healthy part of it. With a calorie burn of 5-6000 calories a day, and ending with a deficit after food of 3-5000 calories, it is no surprise I am losing a bit of weight at the moment. Not that I am complaining, I know I need to anyway, but not entirely convinced this is the way to go.

I have also dropped my caffeine intake right down, to try and aid sleeping and avoid the mild hyper activity I have right now. One 2 litre bottle now lasts 4-5 days. Two weeks ago the intake could have been 2x2 litre bottles a day. Quite the drop, and no headaches, so that's a bonus. I am drowsy at times, but maybe that is something to do with the activity level. (he said sitting down at the kitchen table yawning while writing this at midday. 10 miles done already this morning.)

The past few days, today especially, I have really struggled with anxiety. While out walking I was taking routes where I would be least likely to encounter anyone I know, cross away from street vendors and sales people, avoid beggers or any environment where I might encounter conversation or any form of contact with people. It's strange that my escape from letting my mind run wild, and the anxiety that causes takes me onto streets where I encounter another kind of anxiety. However being outside I am able to avoid the triggers easier than being at home.

Another problem is the times of loneliness, where I crave company, to chat, and offload to, are fought off by the feeling of anxiety at the thought of being in close proximity with someone. There are very few people I feel comfortable around right now, so considering being in the company of the wrong sort of energy person freaks me out. I have some great friends, and miss some dearly, but where my head is right now, I just can't risk being in their company, in fear of messing things up.

I ache from walking and exercising so much, my back is a mess, and would love a physio session or something soon. But the timing is so wrong. So for now, I shall manage the best I can, and forfeit physical comfort for the sake of mental stability, however slight it may be.  The only other option is sleep more, but I don't want to become a duvet camper. Being out, active, breathing fresh air really feels like the best way.

Thinking while walking has become another thing I am doing now, which is a bummer as I have tried to shut my mind up while walking, the idea is escape. But the thought I can't get out of my head right now, is the was CBT has been presented to me. My interpretation being that I am in control of my thoughts, and therefore if my thoughts are my problem, and I am in control, it is all my fault. That's how my brain takes it right now. Being told you simply CAN'T do or think something is not a cure. Breaking the cycle, which I know is what CBT is really about is the key. But how do do you that when there are so many triggers and issues to over come?

This isn't just about ending a relationship, or having no one to talk to, this is about the bigger picture of how those events have changed my thinking and perception of friendships and relationships. My fear of both now is huge, hence I have become so withdrawn from society as a whole, and even after reactivating my Facebook, have chosen not to engage with anyone. Quite frankly I am fuckin terrified of screwing up any more friendships or losing any more important people from my life. Being hidden away in my little shell, with limited contact with people. Not leaning or depending on any one person too much, so cancellations or let downs don't result in such huge mood bombs. It's all the plan, to keep myself safe..... from myself! If that makes any sense.

Retreating, running scared, shutting as much out as possible really feels like the safest option for me right now, and helps me avoid the feeling of self blame, and block this path of self destruction.

An example of how my mind works. While typing this I have received a message on my phone. I haven't looked at it as already my mind is being negative, and telling me the message is going to be cancelling the only high of the day which has been planned for a while. That would turn into self loathing, and in turn I would start to punish myself again with more physical activity to silence my mind.

Right, I better get on with other things and try and do some shopping, see if I can manage that. Better read the message to eh!

Thanks for reading.

Published on Leave a comment on Touching base

It's been a while since I really updated any platform on my progress fighting the evil of the brain, so thought it was time I put fingers to keys again and got writing.
This all comes on what in theory is a breakthrough day for me. Having spent the majority of the past week away from social media, and deleting all my contacts on Facebook, today I flicked the switch to get back online. It is also the day that I saw my first real person face to face about the therapy I have been longing for since November.

Let's start at the beginning shall we. The social media blackout, why and did it help?
First up, why. Well because sometimes the world can become a really noisy place, and to hear yourself think, you need to turn off the distractions of what is for a better word a fake life, and concentrate on the realities surrounding you. Spending hours a day viewing and sharing words of wisdom, cute animals, and crazy peoples rants (yes mine!) is all well and good, but when the time comes to prioritise, it isn't hard to guess which has to go. The silence is amazing, in both a very calming way, and also a very anxious way, especially for me. With FB being a primary point of contact for some people, I feel I might have cut my nose off to spite my face.

So did it help. Obviously not from reading the above paragraph you might think.Well, wrong!
After a couple of days, and getting used to the differences it made in my day today life, things become a little more normal. Being what I would describe as an over active user on FB anyway, it is actually quite empowering to find other things to do, and keep things to yourself, for a while at least. That said, it did make me realise how important a role FB has had in certain elements of my life over the years.

Coming back on to FB I had a number of friend requests waiting for me, thankfully a small number, which allows me to adjust my feed as the number grows (if anyone else adds me). It was nice to see some genuine and friendly names, some who I have missed, right there. But in the new world, it's not about the numbers, but more about the quality. I don't want 5,000 friends to look special, I want everyone on there to want to be in contact with me, rather than add through obligation.
In short, I see a controlled reintroduction to FB to be a positive thing. That said, my interactions will be very limited, as will the content I choose to share on there. Old habits die hard, but that is one that has to go.

Next up, therapy, or should I say Psychological Therapies (PT).
Having first been referred back in mid November, and contacted a month later by phone for an assessment, I eventually received an appointment with a real person face to face, for January (2 months from referral). Today was the day.
With a Midday appointment, I was mindful to get there as close to the time as possible as waiting rooms, eye contact etc isn't good for me right now. I get anxious and twitchy. Imagine my delight when not only is there no receptionist to speak to, and confirm you are in the right place, but also no one to tell you the sessions are running 20 mins late. Suffering from anxiety, in a new place for the first time, with no one to speak to, and just left to wait. Is this some sort of acid test or something? Seriously though, I know it is a department of the NHS which is under huge strain right now, and only once you are in the system can you appreciate how stretched it is.
Eventually I was greeted and taken into a room to have a chat. My notes were flicked through, my documentation checked over, and it was agreed that my anxiety is on the increase right now. Imagine that!

She went on to explain that the type of therapy chosen for me by the phone assessor is CBT, or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I am no expert on it, and have some reading to do, but the fundamentals seem sound certainly for some issues. Breaking a situation down into 4 categories, thoughts, emotions, physical feelings and actions. So a situation leads you to think something, triggering an emotion, which in turn may result in physical feelings and / or an action. Simple really, and when you run through scenario's, it is easy to see how it works. Learning to take control of a situation which affects you, and preventing the 4 categories becoming negative. As I say though, for some situations that is easy, for others not so.

The session was 30 mins but over ran, partly being the first session, and secondly I think from the sheer complexity of the situation I was trying to put across. It's not just me getting anxious around people, it is a WHOLE lot more than that. A fact I feel was slightly lost, as each time I tried to introduce another part of the issue, it was somehow tied into something I had already said. They are the pro's, they know best, and if there is an association, fine. But from my perspective certain elements are very stand alone.

Towards the end I was asked to give some examples of goals I want to achieve through these sessions. Keeping in mind that the standard package is 6 x 30 min sessions. I think I will be hard pushed to achieve much in that time, especially as I am in a negative frame of mind about the process already. So I am going to think over the coming week and put together notes of issues and goals, and see how they want to approach the matter. I don't want to be patched up, I want to be fixed. I am a complex old beast, and I know I have issues to overcome, and the more I look, the more I find. The whole situation is like taking an old car that has been sitting for years to a garage and asking them to fix it up. The more you strip away, the more broken and damaged things you will find.

A couple of things I found amusing during the session are below.

On asking what kinds of counselling or therapy I have had before, I explained I had counselling and felt good to open up and offload things that had built up. I was told that that isn't what we will be doing, and to forget about the past, as CBT focuses on the here and now. Which is fine.... If your here and now issues aren't a product of the past! The idea that I will just sweep everything under the carpet and start over is a fantasy.

On asking about my physical feelings and actions in a stressful situation, and explaining I use exercise, walking and cycling to get away from the situation, and prevent myself from being able to think, I was told this is a good thing.
When I then explained that these walks could be 8-10 miles, and some days I have done far more, resulting in causing physical pain and discomfort to my feet, legs and back. I was quite simply told, don't do that.
Oh OK, I I just told you a coping mechanism I have found, which I know can be negative, especially when walking in pain, but I should just stop. Turn off the desire to run away and escape, simple as that! I'm all fixed now!

If I tell you I went for a 90 minute 6 mile walk immediately after the session, it might give an indication of how I felt leaving there.
Looking back years in my blog I made an entry when I went for my first counselling session, and how positive I felt leaving there. Without even reading back, although I know I was right in the middle of one of the hardest times of my life, I know full well I felt relief and looked forward to the next counselling session. So I am yet to be convinced that CBT is the way to go for me right now.

In other matters, getting back into cycling has been a great thing for me, really remembering why I loved it so much before now. Slowly increasing the mileage.
Things in my head are far from settled yet, especially with today's adventure. Having built myself up to the fact that when therapy starts, the recovery will come with it. Now I am left with dread that this is going to be a long road.
Sleep improving with a change in diet and intake, planning my days a bit better, and trying not to lay in in the mornings, instead being up by 6.30. My mood diary has been of great help to me, I would recommend doing that to anyone. Weight loss has started, and starting out quite rapidly too, so that feels nice. And getting into a routine of training and making sure I challenge myself physically is also a good thing for me. Keeps me busy, distracted, and focused on myself.

Right, I shall end there for now, my back is hurting from over working myself recently, so time to rest, the only way I know how. Walk the dogs.

Final thanks to that small group of special people keeping me on the straight and narrow, even when I am being an arsehole! I wouldn't be making the progress I am without you all.

Published on Leave a comment on Even the best things don’t work.

So I thought coming to Wales,  my place of sanctity,  my true love,  would really do me some good. Knowing how many happy memories I have here,  it was a sure thing that I would feel relief and some relaxation.

But no! Not the case. Arriving here was fine,  but no drive to go to my favourite places,  just headed for the cemetery to pay my respects and lay flowers.

Then off to see Chris and Dyfrig,  the friendly old couple who have given me so much comfort over the years. Plan just to drop a card in,  say hi,  and go. Obviously I had to exchange a few words,  but a minute in and I was shaking,  breathing hard and wanted out. Thankfully I had managed to say I wasn't staying by that time. Dyfrig saw I wasn't comfortable and helped me with my exit.

Wow that felt crappy,  but I promised to return as soon as my head is better.

Now that was a real anticlimax.

2

Published on 2 Comments on Mood bombs

It's amazing just how fast a mood can bomb when you are of fragile mind and easily influenced. From a dull but positive morning and afternoon,  to a relaxing evening,  all seemed on track for an OK day.

Hoping to end the day on a positive note,  I went to bed earlyish to avoid being over tired. However on my way to bed events started to unravel,  and by the time I made it to bed,  within 5 minutes the day was destined to end on a pretty shitty low.

Don't ask why,  thats just too complicated to explain right now,  and more to the point I don't get it myself. But either way it sucks right now.

Fingers crossed I wake tomorrow in a better mood. I have an increased dose of medication to look forward to tomorrow,  so that's a bonus eh.

Wish I could explain how it feels to have the bottom drop out of your mood in a flash. And once it's gone,  you are left struggling to climb back out of the hole you fall into. For anyone who does actually understand the feeling,  you have my sympathies.

Right,  I better lay back down and stare at the ceiling for a bit,  then be restless for another hour or so.

Night.

Published on Leave a comment on Another day, another blog.

After another rather stressy day yesterday I turned in early for the night. Not that I got to sleep straight away, and neither did I sleep very well. It would seem the initial improvement is now a thing of the past. Relaxing thoughts, and well rehearsed techniques to get to sleep no longer work, and the spiral of association has come back. Taking a simple innocent thought, within a minute it spirals into something I dread or a subject that winds me up. Change the thought, and the process starts again. Thinking of a video game for example, within three twists of association, can become a past memory of something I have done, which in turn makes me sad or anxious. It's incredible, as my concious mind could never make those twisted associations. It is almost like my brain WANTS me to think about these other things, and manages to contort the subject accordingly.

Right now though I have no rational way of addressing the matters, and no means of outlet to vent them to, so they will just have to wait for now.

Speaking of waiting, that is the theme of today, waiting for a contractor (who has now arrived), and waiting for a call from the GP. Thankfully, one thing I am not waiting for any longer is the report from my company doctor. After seeing him last week all seemed to go well, but you know how it is. Like job interviews, it went well but the letter isn't what you expected. However on this occasion I am happy to say that the report is favourable, and supportive, which is a great relief to me for sure. Painting a similar picture to that which my GP has already done, recommending the increase in medication as per the consultation, and outlining a realistic timescale for improvement and return to work.
Now I just need to speak to the GP when she calls, to discuss the report and see if she goes with the increase in meds dose.

Also having now received the next appointment with the therapy people from the NHS, I can now add that to her information, so she can make decisions accordingly. With the first face to face appointment with the therapy people not being til January, and only being an assessment once again, treatment itself is yet to get a confirmed start date. That obviously puts the brakes on things a little bit, but the company GP has allowed for this in his recommendations.

So there are lots of positives there for sure.
In other parts of life there is little improvement in my day to day goings on. Still borderline hurting myself to try and stay clear headed and sane, and of course to end the day exhausted enough to sleep. Which doesn't seem to be working very well anymore, but the getting out alone is helping keep my head clear.
Support from friends, and company being offered is a great relief, now all I need to do is make some of that actually happen.

On Xmas day I will be making my usual trip to Wales to have a clean up of the family grave, lay some flowers, and have some down time breathing fresh coastal air. Come rain or shine, I look forwards to returning to a place which holds only the most innocent of memories for me, and offers no complications, painful reminders, or associations for my mind to play with. Memories of youth are the clearest and purest I have. So I think it is that which keeps me going back again and again. As well of course as wishing to maintain the headstone, and pay my respects.
Fingers crossed I can have a wide awake day, and stay focused enough to do the round trip in the day. I am sure I can, but as ever it is a solo trip, so keeping my mind distracted might be a bit of a test for me.

So that is my download for the morning. Here's to a positive outcome to the call from the GP, and a chance to get outside and recharge my solar batteries in my head.

Thanks for reading.

Published on Leave a comment on I don’t get it!

How can I go from feeling so positive, to quite frankly, so shit in such a short space of time. I mean, I do get it, it's what the bastard brain is capable of doing, but even though I understand it, it is SO frustrating knowing you can't do a thing about it.

Today I woke feeling sore from lots of walking and activity over the past few weeks. As I have said before, walking and music are my two escapes from the feeling of total madness that I fall into if I don't keep my mind occupied with simple things. Planning to take it easier than recently, I first took a walk to the GP's to get myself a telephone consult with my doctor. Having spoken to the company doctor the other day, and taking his suggestions on board, I thought I would approach my doc with the recommendation of the increase in meds to get things stable. No point taking up a face to face, so a quick call should do the trick. That will be on Wednesday now.

After walking back home again, a few miles round trip in all, I took the dogs out. Now already walking more than I planned but my mind was starting to run away with me, so I did it to maintain control. Getting home I found I had a letter from the Psychological Therapy dept, with an appointment, for January. So in all so far it will have been 6-8 weeks to get to see someone to start the process. Or so you would think. But apparently the hour I spent on the phone a couple of weeks ago, answering questions, explaining myself, and doing the grading questionnaire wasn't enough. So my appointment in a couple of weeks time will in fact be.... An assessment... AGAIN ! So still no sign of actual help yet.

To say that makes me feel helpless is an understatement to say the least. I know the service is under a lot of pressure. But having approached my GP in early Nov, getting an appointment for January to assess me kinda sucks. Given that by assessment they acknowledge they are so far unaware of the extent of the situation.

With that slight hint of negativity I nose dived this afternoon, and by 1pm I was so tired I had to sleep. Brain just not wanting to keep thinking at the time, so back to bed I went. Waking a couple of hours later, feeling crap about myself, and in a worse state than when I went to bed in the first place. On waking my first thought was to go back to sleep. Since then I have tried to watch some TV, tried to do some bit around the house and failed on most counts. Resorting in the end to going for another walk, from which I have just returned. With a angry calf muscles, and very sore feet. I know I am not doing my body any favours doing this, but it's the lesser of two evils, so the body loses every time.

Speaking of the body, my latest thing is self loathing. Angry at myself for falling out of good shape, hating what I have become, and struggling with if I can even do anything about it. I have the equipment, I have the knowhow, but to actually get into the routine of it again seems impossible right now. I want to look good for me, I want to feel good about myself, and lets be honest, I want to be attractive to potential girlfriends. I would love to get into the best shape of my life next year. There is no real reason I can't, I just need the fire in my belly, and the encouragement of  some people around me to spur me on. But right now, all I can do is hate what I have become.

What I have become is over weight, under confident, unmotivated, and inward. Constantly questioning myself, looking back on past events in life, both recent and a long time ago, and wondering if I was a different person back then. Was that me, or is this really me? What changed, and what did I do over and over to get me into the place I am today. I don't think I am a bad person, but I know I have done some mean things over the years, not given people the attention or respect they deserved, and maybe that is coming back to bite me in the arse now? My retraction from interaction speaks volumes about how I feel about myself right now. Choosing only to communicate with a very limited group of people that I feel "safe" to speak with. No complications or awkwardness, no unexpected changes of subject. Just calm conversation.

And that's another thing. How two-faced do I feel at times. I can see someone I am comfortable around, and be happy, laugh and smile. Just opening up to them feels natural and good for me. With the chosen few I feel I am being the real me, the proper 100% actual me, the person I remember I am in times of clarity. Yet with others, and I apologise for this to you all, I am awkward, cold, and silent. Choosing not to even answer messages in case a question turns into a conversation. Avoiding silly things like a call to the Reebok engineer to get my cross trainer serviced, as I don't want to talk to strangers. Stupid as that sounds, I really can't bring myself to do that, or other calls right now. Unfortunate, as having a fully working cross trainer would be quite handy right now. Maybe I will try and call tomorrow ( like I have said for 2 weeks now).

I really didn't realise I was going to write so much right now. I know there is a lot in my head, that I have been unable to blog recently because of the lack of enthusiasm to sit at the desk and type, a lot of things building up and making matters worse for me. It is a really horrible feeling to know there are things I can do to make life easier, but not have the get up and go to do them. Almost trapped in my own head, by my malfunctioning brain. So much energy of varying sorts, all building up waiting to explode out of my mind.

With Xmas fast approaching, and the seasonal road trip to Wales, I am hoping I can get some fresh air, and relax my mind a little once the duties are taken care of. I feel bad though because in my head right now I don't want to see Chris and Dyfrig who I make a point of seeing every year. As much as I love our conversations, and how welcome I am made to feel, right now I can't bare the thought of sitting in the house and looking back over what has been quite a challenging year. I am sure I will do something to make amends for the lack of visit in person, but still feels wrong at the moment.

Right, I am going to leave it there as my concentration is waning a little and I may start to ramble more than I already am.

Just a quick thank you to those who continue to offer support and friendship, regardless of if I have accepted it or passed on it, I appreciate it all. My choices of who I am turning to right now in no way reflects how I feel about people in general, so please don't take what might appear as ignorance or shunning as a negative, it isn't something I feel I have control over right now.

On another note, and quite a macabre one, while I am struggling right now, and really fighting to stay active and in communication with the outside world, I can say thing with confidence, as I have said in person to a few people. I have no ill intent towards myself, no wish to no longer be around, or to harm myself. Strange as it sounds I know depression and anxiety affects people differently, and because of that it is a natural concern for some to have when they know a person they know is struggling a bit.
I promise that should that feeling ever change, phones would start ringing, doorbells would be rung, and I would reach out as soon as the first thought ever entered my mind.  So please don't worry about that, especially if I am not talking to you much right now.

OK, done, thanks and well done if you read this far.  Til next time.

Published on Leave a comment on Breaking point.

The past month or so I have found peace or at least relaxation in walking. Silly distances a day,  with and without the dogs.  Blisters,  sore feet,  back pain etc,  but it's all been worth it to silence my mind. Being exhausted at the end of the day is a good thing as I sleep better.

Unfortunately with my track record it was never going to last,  and now I find myself trying to find a new balance between resting and walking. The soreness has caught up with me,  and the mornings are now filled with dread at the thought of walking. Sadly that also means I am losing the enthusiasm to get up now.

After seeing the company doctor the other day and discussing medication doses,  it all seems to go hand in hand. The lack of interest in the mornings the dip in moods again,  and the struggle to keep walking.

Somehow I need to rearrange things so I can keep working on having a clearer mind with less anxiety,  and being able to exercise the dogs, and myself,  without resorting to self inflicted pain.

Should be fun,  new week,  new challenge. Lets see how that goes.

Published on Leave a comment on Thank God that’s over with.
So since being off sick with anxiety and depression,  and realising it was becoming a long term thing,  I kinda knew I would end up seeing the company doctor at some point. I have had a good relationship with him over the years with tennis elbow,  gout,  depression etc,  so know he is a good man with no ill intent.
None the less,  the thought of being judged by another in this state, and having to dig deep to explain myself all over again is a rather overwhelming experience to say the least.
So today was the day,  and sitting in the waiting room alone was a huge stress. Thankfully the train journey to London Bridge was nice and quiet,  and with headphones in I was in my own little world. When the time came to be called in,  the ever softly spoken Dr Mason came out and called me in. Formalities over with,  the conversation started. I gave him all the supporting paperwork etc,  and  he listened carefully as I tried to explain myself.
After a quick chat I filled out another anxiety / depression questionnaire and he totted up the score. Discussion turned to my meds and dose,  he suggested speaking to the GP again and getting an increase as he feels what I am on is a bit of a "girls dose" he said with a smile on his face.
Next he asked about work, then moved on to how he wanted to progress with me. Suggesting he would like to speak to me again once I have had some counselling,  and see how I am with that and the increase in dose of Citalopram.
Finishing up he asked how I was feeling,  I expressed how anxious I have been about the appointment since getting the letter,  and how it had made me feel. He reassured me there was nothing bad going to happen,  and that he wished me a good recovery,  and looked forward to speaking to me again and hearing some improvement.
Leaving the building my heart was pounding like crazy,  and feeling the fresh air of freedom outside was a relief. So glad it's over with now. Really has had me on edge for a few days now.
So I shall make a new GP appointment once I receive his report as suggested by him,  and see if the dose needs to be increased and if we are making progress yet. And also of course point out to them how long I have to wait for counselling,  as it doesn't look  like I will be working until that is underway.