It has been a long long time since I really wrote about Sian, and most mentions of her are long deleted from my blog. But with her birthday recently, and subsequent conversations about her, she has been on my mind a little. So I thought it only right to have a little moment to reflect on the past 31 years.
Born in 1995, I enjoyed three and a half years of having a child. Sadly due to the relationship breaking down, I quickly became a part time dad, as me and her mum parted ways, but remained amicable for some time. Well about two and a half years anyway. In those years I was lucky enough to see her first steps, hear her first words, and share some truly precious moments with her.
I am lucky enough to have pictures of her with my mum (her nan), and a handful of pictures of her as a baby, through to toddler. I am sure there are others out there who can understand how precious these memories are, and how they can be calming reminders of what an amazing experience being part of bringing a new life into the world is.
Sadly by 1998, there are no more photos or memories. No contact at all in fact, except for around 2011. A brief phone call where I was politely handed my arse, asked to remove her from my blog, and told that there was no place or requirement for me in her life. Who am I to argue with that? I had planned for around 10 years for the days she was able to make her own decisions on seeing me, and now I had my answer.
OK, maybe I had over-stepped the mark in the things I had put in place and things I had said. Reserving her name as a domain for the day she Googled herself, not allowing for the fact others may also Google her name and find what I had put in place for when that day came. Blog entries from over the years detailing how I felt, a few snippets of information she may not know, but may want to. An oversight, and quite embarrassing for her I imagine, for which I am sorry.
However I don’t think that would have made any difference if I am honest, and I can understand the logic behind it too. Having referred to the stand up guy who her mum had met, and who had taken Sian on without a second thought. The man who had ensured my / our / his daughter had wanted for nothing and made sure she had a fantastic upbringing, as her “dad”. The quote marks were never meant offensively, but more to differentiate between me, the biological father, and him the guy who had taken lead as dad and never looked back.
I am pretty sure I am digging an even deeper hole for myself here, and not really doing myself any favours, but I will continue all the same. After all, this is my blog, and this is just be being genuine me.
I want to say as a stand alone comment, thank you Kieran/Ciaran/Kieron (sorry I don’t know the correct spelling). From the bottom of my heart, thank you for stepping up without question and making sure Sian was loved and looked after so well. I have nothing but respect for you for this, and know how tough stepping in can be. I am sure you know all you want and need to know about me, and could not care less about my words, but I would be a fool to not put them on the record. We spoke a couple of times, and I am grateful that I got to meet you for at least a moment.
Addressing Chislehurst…. I made an error of judgment, and it was wrong of me to bring people with me. It was never intended in a threatening manner, but more a measure of reassurance for myself. If you know much about the past, you will totally understand why.
That meeting of course was the catalyst for the phone call that I got from Sian a short while later, putting me in my place and expressing her upset and lack of respect for me for making that decision. Again, I am truly sorry to Sian for letting that be one of the first experiences of me as an adult you had. Even though you told me off, put me in my place and told me you didn’t want to see me, or for me to be a part of your life, those words were strangely precious. The only words I have heard you say as an adult. It is amazing the things we cling to when we have nothing else.
So, Sian…
It has been 27 years since I saw you last, maybe a little less if I include the time I passed you and your parents in The Glades on the first floor shortly after we lost contact. It has been 15 years since I heard your voice, and the last time we spoke. I don’t imagine much has changed in respect of you wanting me to be in your life in any way whatsoever, but I just want to put this out there. You will always be the most important person in my life, and I would stop the world from turning to keep you safe and well.
We may never get to speak, I may never get to tell you I love you (even though I would never expect you to reciprocate the feeling), but here it is, and forever in writing.
I have always hoped that something might make you want to speak to me, even if it is just to say hi. I know I will never be the dad I dreamed of being, and will never be able to be a part of your life, but it doesn’t stop me wondering what if, and feeling a little empty at times for everything I have missed out on. I promised myself I would never have a child of mine grow up without a father. And thanks to your amazing dad, you have not. For that I am blessed.
Anyway, I have so many silly stories I would love to one day tell, photos of you as a baby and toddler you might never have seen. You have 5 cousins, an aunt, and a whole family tree and past that regardless of how you grew up, is part of your DNA forever.
I doubt you will nor any of your family will ever read this, none the less I felt compelled to write this. Maybe it is part of a process I need to go through to try and come to terms with the part of me that has been missing all these years. Maybe it is just for my own ego, and trying to soothe my soul a little, I honestly could not tell you. Maybe a little of both if I am honest. But IF you do, and IF some crazy part of you says “sod it, why not”… I would always love to hear from you. I don’t want to carry on from where we left off, that would be dumb, but I am always here if you ever need me.
Thank you for being the beautiful person I remember from all those years ago, from the day you were born I always knew you were bound for greatness.
I will leave it there. I hope if you do find this that it does not cause offence.
Phew!
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