The other day I had a Teams meeting with someone from Learning Support, to have a little dig into my background, as well as checking how I function day to day, especially (as you would expect from the name) in learning scenarios. Most of it was quite a heavily structured format, with lots of standardised questions, and check lists to go through .
Alongside all the structured parts were some off the cuff and quite frank discussions. It is always nice to have this sort of conversation with a likeable stranger, as it always surprises me what comes out during the exchanges. Lots of questions were asked about my formal education, my upbringing and my other experiences in life.
I cannot remember exact how we got onto the topic, but at some point we were discussing family history and any knowledge of any known conditions that other family members dealt with. A comment I made about growing up took us down a little rabbit hole, and we turned to focus on my mental health. Asking about family history of mental health and the sort of relationships I recall from growing up, I stumbled on something I had never really thought about.
I found myself saying that I recall from a young age my mum always being very serious, and with reflection now, she seemed quite down too. I came to the conclusion that some of my detached and depressive behaviours stemmed from mirroring my mum, as it was what I had grown up with and believed to be the norm. Asked again if there was a family history of any mental health, the answer seemed a lot clearer.
I am not for one second saying this is a negative way, or trying to tarnish the memory of my mum. Instead I am simply becoming aware of how things were, and why I recall some of my childhood being so grey. Developing into an adult I was quite independent, but can’t help thinking that there was definitely some learned behaviour present, and they remain present to this day.
Being quizzed on other topics, and exploring other avenues that might feed into the way I function day to day, other things started to make more sense too. And as the questions went on, the person doing the screening started being able to guess answers for me based on their understanding of how I function and think, based completely on the answers I had given previously.
At one point I even found myself jokingly mocking myself for the answer I was about to give, as it was not the one my pride wanted to give, but it was the correct answer in the moment.
My take away from the whole thing is that I still have so much to learn about myself, and that each person I am willing to open up to turns another page in the book for me. On to the biggest revelations was that I could possibly benefit from some sessions with trauma and counselling, as it was felt there were more layers to peel back on the onion that is my brain. Within those layers could be some more information important to my development and growth. So I guess when I get back to work that will be something else to look into.
To be fair it is something that I know really I need to do, not crying and being emotionally detached for the best part of a quarter of a century probably isn’t great for the brain. But if I am totally honest, it is something that I felt was behind me now, and too late in the day to get stuck into. However the revelation about my mirroring depression kind of hinted that there was still much work to do, and who knows, maybe a little hope for me yet.
Watch this space….
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