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IDGAF

Quite simply how I  feel right about now. Not in the greatest of moods and haven't been for weeks now. Lack of sleep, gaining weight, lack of activity, poor breathing due to hayfever... You name it, it's pissing me off!

My complete lack of interest in most things, and lack of motivation to do anything about the weight is probably the biggest tell for me right now. Robotic routine, no trainer or treadmill work, blaming it on "trying to stay fresh for Amsterdam", I got it all going on. 

I am not going to say it is a slump as such, generally I am OK, but I just know I could be doing so much more. Miles are not racking up like they did last year on the bike, but that isn't a terrible thing, far from it in fact. I suppose the start of the year was all a bit full on, and if I am totally honest, I don't think the time I had off, following my original planned break, was really enough. But the demand of the routine made it so I needed to get back to work ASAP. No ones fault but my own in reality. 

Sitting here slumped on the sofa writing this, looking back at the day that has just happened, and trying to decide if it was a worthwhile day, or all a bit of a wasted blur. I got the bike serviced ready for Amsterdam, so that is something, then drove to work, had my mind numbed for six hours before the drive home.

Actually, thinking while I type (like I do), I think that is probably a big chunk of the issue. Spending way too much time in a car, especially commuting, and not spending enough time releasing endorphins while cycling to and from work. Last year, weather was less of an excuse, and miles were my motivation. This year, the total opposite, but not because I am against cycling. Just for some reason,  don't find myself cycling as much as I probably could. Instead I sit in traffic, being pissed off by selfish twats, and impatient wankers, when I could calmly be sailing by on the bike, and getting some exercise too.

That's it! When I get back from Amsterdam, I need to pull my finger out, then see how I feel a few weeks later. I reckon if I read back through this in August I will wonder WTF I was doing for the earlier part of the year, driving my mind into the ground like this.

In the meantime, I need to get my arse in gear, only a few days left now til we set off for Amsterdam. OK, honestly, that is really playing on my mind too, really struggling with the concept of being stuck with people, possibly sharing a room, and being around pissed people!! Urrrgh!!  

I thought I had been making progress recently with being around people, but the more I think about it, the more anxious I get. A slight spiral there, one I am aware of but can't do anything about. Really the only thing that keeps me chipper about the whole thing is being with a few new friends I have made over the past few months, on the Facebook page, and on training rides together. Fingers crossed that will be enough to distract me, and allow me to crack on with the task at hand, and get to Amsterdam in one piece, physically and mentally. A week off work, well there is a nice thought if nothing else eh!

As I said from the start of the idea of riding London to Amsterdam, while I am doing it for a great cause, I am also doing it for my own mental health, and pushing myself into something I am not completely comfortable with, in the aim of broadening my horizons a  bit. As the day draws closer, I question my decision, but try and keep in mind that there is an end goal, and hopefully a good one. 

Just a couple of days left to get through til work is done for the week. Then I have a few days of respite, to get my head straight and all packed and ready to go. I can do this, I know I can. Just got to convince the depths of my brain that I can now. 

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