Here is one for you. After a week away, today is the first chance I have had to go to the shops for food. I picked up some bits yesterday, but today was what was needed rather than something for lunch.
So before I left I did my usual quick scan of the fridge and cupboards etc. When I walked in the kitchen to check, the first thing I noticed was a bowl of dry cereal on the table. Looking in the fridge I soon found out why... Mum had no milk, so no breakfast, no drink of tea for her. Moving on to the cupboards, I gave the cereal boxes a shake. Of 4 boxes, only 1 had anything worth while left in it. So no choice of cereal for mum either.
So I got looking properly. In the fridge, one meal remains for her, and another from the co-op which she usually complains about. The list goes on. The sort of things I usually make sure we have plenty of in the house, all run our or very low. Looks like this "sister doing the shopping" thing is working out really well.
Now mum can't always make it into the kitchen anymore, so she can't be expected to write shopping lists. When I go shopping I check the house first, see if there are specific requests, then stock up. Apparently this is not the approach for the new regime. With the confusion about money yesterday, and now no breakfast for mum today, I am left somewhat angered and disappointed that such simple things can run so out of control.
So back to my opening question.. Is it wrong? Wrong to feel put out by having to step in and sort things out, while all the time I just get stories of how hard the last week has been, how worn out my sister is from "all the work", and all that jazz. Why should I step in and make things right? After all the discussions and criticisms of how I do things here, the arguments and changes to how money is handled, and the insistence from my sister that her doing the shopping was mums choice and she had no say in the matter, yet here I am having to ensure the very basics are in place, let alone the other things.
As I queued in the supermarket I was begrudging picking the bits up, and having to pay for them. When I got home and offered to make mum tea, she commented there was none of her milk, and I was actually feeling spite and hard done by when I told her there now WAS milk as I had just been to the shops. That's wrong to feel that way surely?
Since coming back I have made more of an effort to be hands on with mum again, and step in even when not asked, to make drinks or food etc, like I used to do. And it feels good to do that. But there is just a hint of "them and us" going on now. So little communication between me and my sister. Me having to ask her about the new medication mum has been given, as she didn't tell me anything about it, not coming to see me yesterday when she was round, to fill me in on the week gone.
I don't know how to explain what I am thinking or feeling, but don't want to build up resentment or anything, as that's not good for anyone. Although how long the resentment will stay at bay is another matter. Just the little issues highlighted above are bad enough. Add to that some of the dramas from last week. The "effort" that was made to accommodate mum, and the complaints and moans about having to do things that I now do without even thinking about, and suddenly I feel like some kind of mug.
I know I vent a lot about what I do, and express my feelings of stress and anxiety about looking after mum. But I don't think I have ever actually turned my back or refused to get the job done. Care is my #1 priority, at whatever the cost to me, mentally, physically or financially. But it now seems this is NOT normal, and I should in fact be far less accommodating.
So, is it wrong to feel like some kind of mug here? Wrong to feel put out by having to step in on such simple things? Wrong to judge others for not being able to do the things I do day to day. Or wrong to even stop to question my actions at times, wondering if I should bother or not?
I feel good right now, but these questions are building up and slowly burning away at me now.
Have a nice day, its lovely out.
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