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An hour or so ago I passed mum in the hall way and she informed me she was not going.
I took 5 and walked the dogs to get my head together, then came home for a "chat" with her. On getting home I noticed she has been smoking, made a coffee, and had a bath, but is too weak to go hospital.... I think not!

Just had a gentle heart to heart with her, and explained I am not going to pressure her into treatment etc, I just want her safe. She followed this by telling me she almost passed out getting out of the bath... So my worrys are now justified.

Needless to say she is just getting ready (with my sister) to go to the hospital.

Back on track

In a bit of a muddle and a rush right now so can't get on the PC, so thought I would just add this via the Berry.

The good news is, after a stern chat last night, and assurances that she won't have to walk far at the hospital, mum has agreed to go to her Oncology appointment at Lewisham today. My sister has even decided to join us this time too.

Just got a bit of a manic morning planning dogs, breakfast and transport to the hospital, so I am off for now.

Back later with "what the doctor said"

Regards

Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

Well thats about the only feeling I can really confirm at the moment, amongst the confusion and upset with mum, I can honestly confirm I definatly feel "alive"

Positives of the day, diet going well, weigh loss is constant (at the mo, it tails off in a bit) feeling awake and ready to go, no headache, half way through the week, and not feeling hungry lol.

Negatives, mum is still being a PITA about the hospital, mum still not very well, and I have not booked an appointment with her GP now because of the fuss she made yesterday (is this me getting weak?) Got to go to work in a while, and I have a really itchy armpit!

So, thats whats running through my mind at the moment, so maybe a little more detail and factual stuff eh.

Diet is going well, no problems with hunger yet. I have been having a tin of tuna in the evenings just to give the stomach something solid to chew over. And of course one of the meal packs a day has been a bar. Not going down that road again of trying to get my digestive system working again lol. Total loss since Monday is 8lb and a bit. 246.6 down to 238.4 Main thing for me is reaching a milestone quickly, it gives me a little drive.
The bulk of the weightloss is going to be the last of the solid foods exiting the body, after that it will slow down a little, but hopefully still be recordable daily. It I can get into the high 220's by the end of next week I will feel I am achieving something and remain driven. So lets see how that carries on.

Mum.... well she has decided she is not going to her appointment, but that is still open to negotiation tonight. If she does not want treatment, thats fine. But she has to at least know what the hell is going on inside her body. So at least there can be some forward planning, and knowledge for me and my sister to know whats going on, and what to expect to happen health wise. Fingers crossed she will see sense on that one.

In other news....
It is my nephews 11th birthday today, so Happy Birthday Calum.

Oh and finally.... why do cheques take SO long to clear when you are waiting on the cash!
OK so by all accounts its not a REALLY long time, paid in on Saturday, so 3 working days. But I am sure other cheques clear faster when you are not needing the money for something else.
Come on Natwest, thats all my money and I need to spend it all by the end of the week!
Worst part is, after finding "cheap" flights for the holiday this year, they are resting on this cheque too. No cash, no booking..... no booking, the price could rise (and with my luck WILL)

Im out, foodpack and work for me.
Make today a good one.

Having tried to avoid mentioning mums hospital appointment to her, its just been brought to her attention. Immediatly the defenses have started, and she has text a few times to say if she feels this ill on Thursday she is not going.

Now correct me if I am wrong, but are doctors not there to make people better. So if you are ill, you go and see a doctor....right?
So here we have the current situation. She is really tired and has no energy, her COPD is causing her problems so she cant breathe very well right now, and of course her cancer is coming back, so really she needs to see the Oncologist asap to get it all assessed and dealt with. However BECAUSE she is not feeling well she says she cant go.

Is it just me that thinks that all a bit mixed up. I mean its not like she has to walk or use public transport to go to the doctors or hospital. I will be taking her, and going in with her, so she wont be alone, or left to struggle from office to office.

I have said before I know, but have to say it again. I cannot understand, or relate to someone being ill but using that as a reason/excuse NOT to see the doctors. I understand that she is afraid of what they are going to tell her, and probably does not want to know if there is a finite amount of time left etc. I can definatly relate to not liking being prodded and poked, but at the end of it all there is one common goal.... Feeling better!

Surely regardless of what she wants the outcome to be, if she wants to fight the cancer or not, her main consideration should be quality of life, and comfort. In all honesty thats all I want her to have. I respect her choice, and if chemo and other treatments are not wanted, then I stand by her and will remain there.

However.... this is where I am coming from.
Its is upsetting to see someone just lay back and give up on life, especially one of your parents. It is frustrating to know there is help on hand, pain relief, and other things to make the last months/years comfortable, but to see the person refuse it. Possibly through not understanding what is available, possibly through fear of what they may find out.
And the part that tears me up, is the anger I feel deep inside, at myself for allowing this to go on. I cant find peace with myself right now, because of the conflicts within. Am I being weak for standing by and watching this happen? Am I pushing too hard and forcing her to take treatments she does not want? Its all rather confusing for me right now, and for that reason, I am at war with myself within.

Some rubbish like that anyway, to quote a song....
"Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me"
Maybe not quite that serious, but today marks an important day for me, time for a little change.

Finally on track in the brain department, I can start to take care of other matters like my incredible increasing weight for 1. Since I realised it was really starting to pile on I kind of gave up, and over did it slightly. But today that all changes.

The solution... Protikee. Similar to LighterLife, just half the price and no meetings. It worked before and it will work again im sure. Now that I can think straight, hopefully I can muster up some willpower too.

Right so the first stage of any diet should begin like this... My name is Michael Snasdell and I know I have a weight problem. Currently 246lb, which is 3 stone heavier than I ended my diet on 2 years ago. But given what has been going on, and what the predictions were, its not so bad. So today it all begins. Yesterday I had a blowout of food, today I start with nothing.

I am going to see about doing a couple of weeks of full abstainance, and see where I go with that. Not going to be easy as life is a little more active and hectic than it was first time round, but im gonna give it a damn good go.
So wish me luck, here goes nothing.

Well, after the most irritating journey home I have had in a long time, made worse by having an right indicator that kept turning on (not good in rush-hour traffic) the day has taken a somewhat unexpected turn...... for the better!

On getting home I opened my email client, to check an email address I dont use on my Blackberry. I was hoping for a response from the physio re missing payments, and sure enough *BING* in it popped.
To my suprise we were all in agreement that the payments HAVE been made, and that there is no outstanding payment to be made. On replying to this email and thanking them for their time following it up, I received a call from my old physio to discuss it further.

So all is well that ends well, we are still friends, I am not in debt for a huge sum of money to them, and hopefully I can now follow this up with my solicitor and get reimbursed for the full out of pocket expenses incurred for physio to my shoulder.
Although something tells me that without an amended invoice, the solicitor will still only try and claim back the actual money spent, and not that showing as owed. I will have to follow this up tomorrow I guess.

*memo to self, email solicitor in the morning

So thank you to the physio for their honesty, my apologies for suggesting it was a scam of some sort, and heres to getting another step closer to getting this whole legal circus rounded up!

Have a good weekend.

Its always the way with life, a rollercoaster of emotions and luck, with lots of hidden twists, bends and drops along the way.
A few days of high spirits is sure to be followed by a big drop at some point. As they say what goes up must come down. About the only thing we can control in any sort of way is how fast and how far we drop.

Today for example, from flying high, feeling that things are going right, progress is being made, and im actually getting somewhere with all the trials and tribulations of life..... And a small blow.
First thing this morning I was told by my old physiotherapist that they feel I owe them over £400 for treatment I have not paid for. Unfortunatly our records disagree.

Rule #1, always get receipts for ANY paid service you take on. In this case I was stupid enough to build up a "friendship" with the place, and didnt get receipts for the cash I was handing over. With the whole legal matter with work, I am currently claiming for the physio I received, and on asking for a total invoice, was told of the outstanding sum.

This put a downer on the day to say the least, so I am currently trying to discuss the matter amicably. If the sum is really outstanding, I am left suprised that the matter was not chased up sooner, as the last treatment was almost 2 years ago now. I am however confident that I am up to date, and this is a mistake or a scam.

It also has a knock on effect to the amount of my cash I spent, that I can claim back through the legal process I am currently going through with my employer, which will leave me out of pocket by many hundreds of pounds... Not happy!

In other news....

The rest of the day has gone pretty well, and it is after all Friday, so 2 days to recharge the batteries and get ready for battle with the world for another week afterwards.
Being back blogging is a life saver for me, I feel better with each line I write, regardless of if anyone else is reading it or not.
So the weekend, lots of time with the dogs, trying to get my affairs in order, and allthe legal bits that need writing and actioning dealt with.
Hopefully I will find some time tomorrow for some swatting up and getting my mind back in gear to learn what I need to, and pass the required tests in time.

Right, enough waffling, im off. Have a great weekend.

Day 2 of staying positive about things, and getting to grips with the challenges that lay ahead. So an update so far.

Today I heard from my solicitor regarding my case with my employer, to discuss figures, and get some further information to get the whole matter tied up and dealt with once and for all. Fingers crossed with the latest information, the whole matter will be closed and finished by the summer.

In other news....
I have today decided its time to rebuild bridges, and make new paths to follow, so have been reaching out in all directions to try and make amends for anything I know needs addressing. Debts, broken friendships, and other ignored or forgotten matters that really require some attention.
Part of the whole dealing with life thing I guess.

I have also started looking into funeral arrangements too. A little premature I know, but I want to make sure that all mums wishes are taken care of when the day arrives.

On a stranger note, just as a tag for the day, to remind me what was going on today. In world news a big story was that Shamu (one of the orca's at Seaworld) killed a trainer last night. 3rd person.

Right thats me for now, might be back later with a round-up of how the day ended.

Not entirely sure where to start but let's give it a go.
Let's get up to speed first shall we... This could take a while.

So 2 years ago, almost to the day, mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. Due to her opinion of treatment for it the outlook was bleak. After a lot of pressure from me she decided to give chemo and radiotherapy a go. In fairness she went to hell and back with side effects from it, and I would not ask her to do that again.

Somewhere between then and no I dropped the ball a bit. Maybe it was stopping blogging? All the while I blogged I stayed on top of what I needed to be doing and kept it in mind what was happening, but for a while I seemed to have forgotton she was terminally ill.

Sadly in recent days she has admitted that the lumps are back and causing her pain. In typical fashion she left it almost 2 months before telling me about it, almost it try and let it take hold first.

So here we are today. Today I have spent the day speaking with the housing people on mums behalf to ensure I have somewhere to live when the day comes, on her request as its worrying her. So hopefully that is all sorted out now.
I have some other bleak things to do too, like planning for after she passes etc, but one step at a time. Dealing with this today was enough for now.

Right, I think that's enough for now, phew!

My my, its been a while since I last wrote any form of blog, and time has flown by. But as usual at times of great need, if in doubt......SHOUT.

So here I am.Its been a pretty smooth journey for the last year, a few surgeries, time off work, and the usual trials and tribulations of life, but nothing too drastic.Unfortunatly the whole cancer thing has taken hold again with mum, and I guess this will be the main focus of my blogging, so I apologise in advance if the entries are a little depressing to say the least.

I will try and keep things upbeat too.Right, thats me for the time being, just got to get this thing all set up now, and running from my Blackberry, and then I will be a happy man.
Thanks for reading, come back soon.