Skip to content

Category: Uncategorized

Published on Leave a comment on When the going gets tough…

The brain gets going! And boy oh boy does it go into overdrive.

Short entry just to purge the brain before bed tonight.

The last couple of days have been strange. Long weekend prolonging the wait to get a reference from FedEx. Self doubt and imposter syndrome kicking in again making me believe that things won't work out and that I don't deserve them to. And a strange email from the prison service today really adding fuel to the fire.

As I understand it, things progress incrementally with the onboarding. Once one part is satisfied the next begins. So getting a notification for my medical was a good indicator that the reference has been received at least, and is hopefully satisfactory. But of course my doubt plays havoc with me, and I still believe there is a chance it won't be OK.

Then this afternoon I received an email from the prison service to say that after reviewing one of the tests they have decided that the application will not progress. Which is strange as the same test results were applied to each application. No idea why they have sent that, but it's not the first time they have sent weird emails only to correct themselves later. What a farce.

Obviously this plays nicely into the hands of my imposter syndrome, showing me not only do I not deserve the new role, but I also don't deserve the fall back role either.

Logical me doesn't believe this, but the voice before sleep is always the loudest.

So now I just get on with things, my employment with Fedex ends on Friday, then I become temporarily retired for a few months. Hopefully things will all start to fall into place soon. I have my medical early next month, which should trigger the DBS and final stage of onboarding.

Right, sleep time.

7

Published on 7 Comments on My new job is….

Back in January we were all told that we faced the possibility of redundancy. By Feb that had become pretty much a dead cert, so I looked at my options. 

Having worked for the company for 24 years, first as a courier for a couple of years, then into dispatch for the next 22 years, it was all a bit of a blur. No exams from school, only a couple of jobs, limited transferable skills, what on earth was I going to do next.

On speaking to friends, a few avenues opened up for me to take a look down. So from February til now I have been looking into some different roles and opportunities, applying for a few, and have secured in total, three different paths to consider. 

Bus / lorry driving. Something I have always liked the idea of, and a licence is a transferable skill, so can move around once there is some experience. Not the most glamourous job, but at the same time it is secure, pays OK, and affords me a little bit of freedom. There would of course be shift work involved, but I have had it good for a long time now, and am ready to get my hands dirty, and disrupt my routines a bit.

After an application and an assessment day, I was offered a role on the trainee bus driver apprenticeship  scheme. So that was an offer on the table straight away. Good start!

The next role took a few people I know by surprise. Prison Officer. 
When I started looking for other jobs, the one thing I really wanted to do was make a difference to peoples lives. No two days being the same, be more outgoing and engaging, and try and do something where I had a sense of fulfilment. Strangely being a prison officer would do just that. In fact I actually visited a prison earlier this week, to get a proper experience of what it was like to work in a prison. VERY interesting to say the least. 
Back in Feb I started the application process, and passed all the rounds of assessment. Subsequently I was given a provisional offer, and am currently awaiting a placement. 

And finally, in March another role was brought to my attention. 
Another exciting role, definitely ticks all the boxes, and I have to be honest, I had put my application in before actually looking at what the pay was for the role. To be honest, for me it is a dream role, but one I had less confidence in getting. Especially having already secured two offers in other roles. None the less I promised myself I would give it my best effort, and put in prep for the interview if I got that far.

As part of the application there was an opportunity to make your case, and say what you brought to the role. While writing it, it finally became apparent to me that I did have transferable skills after all, not only from FedEx, but also life in general. Of the 4,000 characters permitted for the document, I used 3,998, obviously! Then after a few days I received a congratulatory email, inviting me to the next round of assessment. This was a listen, extract and type exercise, and simulated taking emergency calls. It felt it went well, but again, out of touch with the world of jobs, I was unsure.

So imagine my surprise when I was invited to interview!! The final stage. This is where I really became confident I would not get it. Not that the interview went badly, I felt it went well. Just I am aware that a lot of people apply for it, and the chances felt very outside. However I was humbled to have reached that stage. That was last Thursday afternoon, and on me asking when I would hear back, I was told there was a process and it would be probably 2-3 weeks. 

On Monday afternoon I had a missed call, the message said it was the potential employer, so I called back. Given how soon it was since the interview, my immediate assumption was they were contacting the unsuccessful applicants first, before working through a short list.
I had already taken some deep breaths to prepare myself for the news. "Hi Michael, you recently applied for the role in the Control Room ....", here it comes. I took a moment and said in quite a calm and sombre tone, "oh yes, that's correct".
"Well I am pleased to tell you your application was successful, so would like to provisionally offer you the role"
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattt!!!! "I'm sorry, are you joking" I replied (not my finest moment).
"Haha no, you were successful, would you like to accept the offer?"

Don't have to ask me twice!
So that was that, three offers on the table. Driving, prison officer, or control room.

I guess all that is left is to say which I have decided to go with, and what role I chose.

Well, I am delighted to say that I have accepted the role in the control room, and am currently in the process of ticking the boxes and working towards a contract. This includes getting references from FedEx, although hens teeth would be easier to obtain right now. Apparently it has become policy for a lot of companies NOT to give any kind of reference beyond "yes they worked for us" these days. So one such reference will be sent to them next week, and then we see if that is sufficient, or if further leg work with FedEx is needed.  Thankfully HR have been great offering more support if needed. 

Then there is DBS checking, and a medical, both of which I am fairly confident will be OK.

All being well I will start the new job on August the 12th, a few days after returning from Florida. 11-12 weeks of training, some classroom, some live control room (observing), then a nine month probationary period. 
It is shift work with rolling hours from days through to nights, 3 on 3 off shift pattern.

So, as long as all goes to plan, I am provisionally a very happy and proud man. I feel I have finally found my true vocation, and am really excited about getting started. So in the meantime, pray for me that the three hoops are cleared without too much fuss. Watch this space for updates, but hopefully no upsets. 

Thanks for reading all that, I appreciate it. 

And a massive thank you to my close circle of friends who have been there for me with advice, an ear, and some confidence when needed throughout this whole journey of 2024. 

Published on Leave a comment on The first day of the future…

So, that came as a bit of a shock I have to say. Yesterday afternoon I got a call from recruitment at my number one choice of jobs, to say I had been successful in my application and that they would like to offer me the role, complete with a start date of August 12th. That is the date that my training would begin IF I accepted the role. After a moment of shock, and checking this was not a joke or a mistake, I expressed my delight (and surprise) and of course said I would accept the offer. 

Since that moment there have been a range of thoughts and emotions about the matter, as well as a lot of frantic planning to get myself sorted for that date. So let me run through some of them now,

Initially as I say I was pleasantly surprised, having come away from the interview feeling I had done my best, but having the niggling feeling that there would be a lot of candidates, and my chances were slimmer than some. Obviously I was wrong there, and this is one of those occasions I am happy to admit being wrong haha. The next step of course was to let those nearest to me know the outcome.So a barrage of WhatsApp messages were sent, as well as a couple of slightly cryptic social media posts. I am comfortable telling those closest to me all the details, but I assume like most, a little more guarded with details for the time being, "just in case, for the rest of the world.

After that, the next thought was more about money. From the start of the redundancy process I have been aware that I was getting a decent settlement, but that was a finite amount of money that would only last so long. Naturally I started looking for jobs immediately, and was fortunate enough to be offered a couple of them. One I could start when I was ready, another I passed all the interviews etc, but just needed to wait for a role to become available. Of course I had my redundancy buffer, so that was never a stress. Because of these opportunities, I have to say I have been lucky enough not to be in a position of panic or concern about the future in that regard. The only question was, what job out of the list I had would I decide to go with.

So a quick recap of the timeline of things. 
January we were told redundancies were possible.
End of Jan the first formal meeting discussing the possibilities.
Feb I started applying for jobs, and having interviews
March I had my first two provisional offers, with a 3rd on the table. 

By this point I was content that the roles available to me ticked the boxes of what I wanted to do moving forward, mainly "make a difference every day".

In April I was made aware of the role I have just accepted. After a bit of back and forth discussing it, and some deep thought, I decided that this was really a job I would love to do. It ticks all the boxes, it is something I think I am more than capable of doing, and the thought of getting it really excited me. So I put my application in. After a few days I got a notification of passing the initial sift, and going through to a simulation exercise to test abilities. I did that as soon as I could, and to my delight I received an email saying I had been invited for an interview. 

I had hoped for, but not expected to get through to the interview stage. A couple of weeks later in May I went to the interview (last week) and as we all know by now, got a call yesterday afternoon telling me I had been successful and was made a provisional offer, and given the start date. 

Now in the midst of all this, I had been quietly planning for worst case scenario, and having to go with my bottom of the pile job offer. The plan if it came to it was to take the summer off, go to the USA for a few weeks and get stuck into the new job in September. Given the level of my self confidence at times, I had been looking at flights, and kennels for mid August. They do say plan for the worst, hope for the best. 

So now getting this offer to start in mid August, the holiday plans need addressing. First port of call, contact the kennels and see if they can accommodate us for those dates. On the grand scheme of things, the holiday is something that can happen another time if need be, but it would be nice to hit the reset button before getting stuck into the 4th job of my life, and hopefully my last one. We shall see on that one.

One of the nicer things about having a clearer road ahead now is that I now have an idea of what is happening money wise. I know what my new income will be, I know what I will be paid in redundancy, so can plan ahead a little, and take the plunge on one or two things I have thought about. 

So back to the thought process. I spent most of yesterday researching the role a little more, seeing what my work / life balance looked like, and confirming a few things I was curious about. To be honest it is taking longer for it to sink in that I have got the job, than it did to accept I was being made redundant. I am still having daft thoughts about it now. 

Last night I went to bed and as my head hit the pillow I thought, "Michael is a common name, what if they picked up the wrong file and called the wrong Michael, and are now wondering how to tell me they made a mistake". Then it was mentioned to me about vetting and asking what level they do there. Obviously this has been something that has concerned me in the past too, so that got me worrying too. Again, no real reason for me to think I would not pass, but doubt shouts the loudest. 

I slept well, but was up early for a run this morning, and the first thoughts in my head were "imposter syndrome".. Do I really deserve this, did they really mean to call me etc.
It is important for me to say at this stage, I am not struggling, it is not bothering me much at all, but just instead a niggling voice of doubt in the back of my mind. I am sure as things progress, and I hear back with more info and details, I will feel more settled with it all, and most of all, believe in myself a little more. 

I am not panicking that I can't do the job, I am not worried I won't cope. I am confident with the actualities of the role, just guess I am still a little shocked. But honestly I think that is a good thing. I feel humble and "blessed" to have been afforded this opportunity, rather than cocky and over confident that I had it in the bag from the start. Anyone who knows me will know I would rather earn something on merit and feel I deserved it, rather than being given something I am "entitled to" on a platter. 

So, there we have it, the road ahead is starting to appear from the morning mist. From now til I start is 83 days. In that time I have my final day with Fedex in 10 days time, hopefully a trip to Florida in 65 days time, and I am sure a whole lot of information to process and absorb in the meantime. I don't know what will happen time scale wise with the new role, what I will hear and when, but know there are references to be done, and vetting too, so it will be an ongoing process until Day 1.

I am sure by next week I will be taking it all in my stride. But for now, I have a plan, I have a time scale of what I am doing next after leaving Fedex, so I can relax a little now, and enjoy the next 80 days or so.

So here's to today... The first day of my future.

 

Published on Leave a comment on Testing day for sure

I have known this day was coming for a couple weeks now, and quite honestly have done my best to bury my head in the sand about it, or that is how it felt compared to my normal approach. Not sure if its the right way to do things, but that is what it felt like. I suppose to some it is simply compartmentalising the matter until it is time to address it. When I say it like that, I change my statement, I was simply putting my thoughts about it on hold until nearer the time. Much better eh!

So this day, was a job interview for a role I can honestly say I would love. It transfers over some of my existing skills, and puts them to better use. Now I will caveat that by saying, I also don't think I have a huge chance at getting the role, but was always going to give it 100%, and try my hardest. If I am not the right man for the job when the decisions are made, so be it. I was hungry for it, and I tried. 

Now there are a few people out there who know the full story, but for the rest of you I will leave it as vague as that. Partially for dramatic purposes, and partially as it softens the blow when it goes no further. Even if it doesn't happen, I have the safety net of a couple of other roles in other fields that are open to me, but if I had to pick just one, it would be this one. 

Interviewing is not something I have done a lot of in recent years, although the last few months have seen a few at least. It is amazing how much the interview situations have changed over the years. Last time I interviewed properly was for Fedex in 2000. That was a simple get to know you, have a chat, show your skills, and wait for a call. There have been a couple since then, but also in the older style of getting to know you, rather than the structured format that most take these days.

Tell me a time when.... Give me an example of a time... Reply with structure, STAR... Geeez. OK I get it, it means everyone has the same chances, and interviews are not derailed by distractions, but some of it feels so false. Of the last few I have had before today two were structured with examples asked for, and the last was an old fashioned getting to know you, why you sort of interview. Two of the three went well to the point of job offers, so I guess I didn't do too badly.

Today however was a bit of a hybrid. As I said earlier I had managed not to overthink the day prior to it, went in with a clear head, but a bit of an insight into what to expect. Met from reception by the two people interviewing me, it was a few mins walk to the interview room. I tried to make some light hearted small talk on the way. When we got into the room I was told what the format would be, and that it would be almost an informal chat, with some questions along the way. I was told how long had been allowed for the interview, and that any variance should not be seen as any sort of sign, time was not a concern. So when I pointed out the clock perched on the  window frame behind one of their heads, there was a shocked and mortified reaction. They had been telling candidates all day not to worry about time, when there was a clock right behind their heads haha. It was OK and I said I was not worried by it, just making a joke.

As the interview went along I felt I was doing OK, answered quickly but with consideration. Having contemplated what some of the questions might be, I have prepped stories of talking a guy out of suicide, dealing with large scale traffic accidents etc. Needless to say there was no opportunity at any time to use any of the stories I prepped. Instead it was more about the teamwork side of things. While I was caught off guard, I felt like I remained composed and managed to give reasonable examples of applicable situations.

I had said at the start of the interview that I had been in the same role for 24 years, and was a little rusty with modern interview techniques. But given that I would like to think that I showed quiet confidence in my responses, and hopefully made a bit of sense too. 

Hearing how training works, and talking about any holidays I might have pre-booked always gives me a little lift, almost like they are interested in me, and want to know when I can start, but in reality I know these are just pieces of information for them to fill in on the forms, and not any kind of indicator. It is so frustrating being this close, having passed all the other stages, and feeling that the last step, the interview is my weakness. Not due to being incapable, just so out of the circuit having stuck with a job for this long. 

So now I wait. 2-3 weeks is what they have given as a reasonably realistic time to hear back. I checked that when we were wrapping up, and also asked about contact regardless of outcome, as some organisations are terrible for that. They confirmed I will hear back regardless. I am dreading seeing the email in my inbox, as I almost expect it to say "Dear Michael, thank you for attending, however unfortunately... " you know the rest. But we shall see, I have my fingers crossed, but not my hope locked in. 

As the interview wrapped the conversation returned to light-hearted chatter, which felt nice and relaxing. Interestingly my HR does not appear to have gone over 80 throughout the whole time, which was nice to see. Although I have to say I did feel at ease throughout. We had a nice chat on the way back to reception, and I took the opportunity to throw in a few more stories along the way, just to try and display my true colours.

One question that did arise was if while training I didn't understand something, what would I do. Obviously I was happy to say I would ask at the appropriate time, as I am always keen to learn new things, and gain new knowledge, so finding out the answer to the question is in my nature. Nerdy or what! 

Anyway, I just wanted to off load today onto the internet so I can sleep well tonight, without overthinking and over analysing it all. Under different circumstances I would have re-done the interview five times over by now, and answered the questions totally differently. I am pleased to say, as of writing this entry, I have not reconsidered any of my answered, although recall the questions quite well. 

Thanks for reading, and watch this space. This is the keystone to what happens next for me now, so lets see how it plays out. Will I have an extended summer holiday, will I go almost immediately from one role to the next..... 

 

 

 

 

Published on Leave a comment on The difference a week can make!

So about 10 days ago I was saying how things didn't quite feel right and that I was unsettled. Yet just over a week later things could not be further from the case. I could not tell you what has changed to make me feel this way, but I can go through what I have done differently over the past week, and consider if that has made a difference or not. 

The most important thing here though it how I feel, and what I am thinking right now. That is the main reason for this entry, to remind myself how quickly and unexpectedly things can change.

The first thing I want to say is, this is a reminder how quirky mental health can be. Like driving along a really smooth road, and hitting a pot-hole. A sudden upset, things take a while to settle and calm down, but if done correctly there is no lasting damage and you continue on your way. At worst, you need to pause, change the wheel and then get back underway again. As long as you maintain some sense of control. And that is the key. Knowing what to do when you hit that pot-hole.  

Knowing that I am always in control, no matter how uneven the road is makes such a difference, however from time to time I need to remind myself that I have the wheel, and that is what some of the other entries are all about.

A good reminder of this came last week when I spent some time with my niece who has ASD. Being with a likeminded person, regardless of the age gap is a nice opportunity to slow things down, do things in a certain way, and not get caught up in the high speed chase that life is. Talking to her about different situations, to compare notes and see how we both deal with them is refreshing, and also feels nice to offer her a space and an ear of understanding. And at the same time, learn new ways, as well as sharing my experiences, and offering "advice" on how I would deal with certain situations and environments. 

I think that time gave me a moment to reset and reflect, and find my feet again. Reminding myself that different is bad or wrong. Being your own authentic self is the only way to get by in this world. Some people might not understand you and your ways, but at the end of the day trying to be a different person for every group of people or situation is exhausting, and unsustainable. If people don't appreciate you for who you are, then they are a bad fit for your life, and there will be someone else along shortly to take their place who does respect you.

So, the past week, what have I done differently and what has changed.
Well for starters I have applied for some more jobs, and looked into other avenues of interest. I appreciate the help of those who have pointed out some of these opportunities to me.
I thought that rather than fixating on a handful of jobs I have gone for, regardless of the fact that I have since received offers, I would look at other options while I am still working. Part of this is just due to a little new found confidence in applying for jobs. Not shying away from the pre interview assessments that some do. Just getting stuck in, and giving it a shot, without any over thinking. 

At the end of the day there are go-to options for me already, so it isn't a matter of life or death. Not that it ever was of course, there would always be something. Instead I saw it as an opportunity to stretch my legs a bit and consider some other roles, and just see what comes of them. Nothing like options now is there. Not for one second suggesting I will be flooded with offers haha. So there are two new  applications in the pipeline, assessments done, and just waiting to hear back. And a third temp job that can be done adhoc if and when I need some extra cash (for bikes).

Also after a long time pondering, I have finally jumped back on the healthier lifestyle wagon. Last week I signed up to a Zwift training plan, and got stuck straight in, and this week I have started a Garmin running plan too. Bother are about 12 weeks long, and hopefully I will be able to manage them both without killing myself. Neither is particularly taxing, so fingers crossed I stay injury free and energised. The main idea of the plans is to keep myself accountable, so I have a schedule to work to, rather than winging it, and it all becoming a bit hit and miss. 

This week I started a healthier eating plan too, to try and drop those extra pounds, and get back to a happier place physically. Losing some weight will help loads with running and cycling both mentally and physically. Looking back over the last five years I can see how my running pace has fluctuated, usually with my weight. But unfortunately since its last dip there has been no noticeable recovery, so I am keen to change that, if I can! Age will be part of it too, I can't forget that. So far this week I have reduced my food intake considerably, but not so much that it has impacted my fitness activities. I actually felt more able to run at a faster pace today than I have in a while. 

Cereal for breakfast, lots of fluids during the day, a Protein Works shake for lunch (they are actually yummy), and a small dinner earlier than usual in the evenings. At the moment I am being lazy and using ready meals for dinner. Small cheap ones, with a side of veg to bulk it out a bit. Thank you to my clever wife for suggesting this, it makes a massive difference to feeling fed or not. Eventually I will do meal prep for these meals and others, but for now it is a nice lazy way to get measured meals, count calories, and get my body and mind used to the routine and intake levels. Portion control is a massive thing for me, so this sets a standard. 

Mindfulness is the next thing. When I wrote my last entry I checked the dates I had started to feel a little crappy upstairs, and looked at my mindfulness log, and to my surprise they almost aligned. And by that I mean, I stopped doing it very much for a few weeks, and at the same time started to feel crappy about myself. Not solid proof I know, but I definitely notice a difference when I don't take any time out for myself during a day. 10 mins a day really can make all the difference. Needless to say I am back listening to the Daily Jay, and spending some time with my thoughts every day again. Same with the Daylio mood diary, taking a moment every evening to consider my day and reflect on it, makes things feel addressed and completed. 

From good mindfulness comes good sleep. And the past couple of weeks have been good sleep. Again this is also down to the change in routine. Earing earlier in the evening, easing off the caffeine, plenty of fluids throughout the day, and getting to bed earlier. The last one is probably the most important, followed closely by the change in meal times. But it has been wonderful. The other night I recorded eight hours of sleep, woke once, and no pee breaks. Talk about waking refreshed. It is bizarre going to sleep, then waking and looking at the clock and seeing 5am, and realising you have slept for 6 hours straight. I am used to waking hourly then fighting to get back to sleep. 

Again, just like recognising my highs and lows of mood, when I get sleep patterns like this, I can reassure myself that it IS possible, and I am not a total screw-up. I am sure I have mentioned before that while broken sleep is the norm for me, it has not always been the way, so having these good nights of sleep feels amazing, and is definitely something I want to try and maintain. 

Important note to self at this point. Being in good physical shape is not a guarantee of feeling great mentally, however from experience, the activities and behaviours used to establish good physical health, certainly contribute to better mental health. Getting out of the house, getting the heart rate up, and most importantly learning when to push and when to take it easy all helps. Of course if the mental side of things wavers, then the knowing when to ease off goes out of the window, and we find ourselves pushing ourselves harder and harder to try and find that feeling again. Like a drug addiction, needing more to get that fix you so badly need. Self destruction is a real thing, I have been down that road before. 

So, looking back up there I have rambled on quite a bit, so will start to wrap things up.
In short, I am feeling much better than I was two weeks ago. Positive mindset, feel I have a direction to head in. I am definitely at one with myself right now, and am focusing on the things I have some control over, and trying to let other things work themselves out. Whatever the outcome of the job applications, so be it. Maybe I will get another offer, maybe it will be another no, I have very little influence over that. 

The things I can have some more control over are my food intake, my exercise and activity levels, and of course trying to look after that grey matter too. A few minutes a day spent on any of the above is bound to have a positive impact on my well-being, so why not invest a few minutes I would have been eating or wallowing in my own self doubt, and build myself up a little. 

If you have read all of this, thank you, I appreciate your time and allowing me a few moments to ramble on in search of finding a balance for myself, and hopefully offering others some of my wisdom and experience.

The sun is finally back, so here's to a happy a positive summer for all. 

Oh, sorry, one more thing before you go. 
Physical image!
As someone who cycles I have grown to feel comfortable in close fitting clothes. I am sure some look as I run or cycle past and giggle or sneer, but ultimately I really don't care about other peoples opinions. If its from a sedentary judgemental person watching from their car, they can sod off. At least I am doing something. 
If it is from a fellow (I use the word lightly) runner or cyclist, who feels the need to judge, then I say, I am probably working harder than you. With my age and weight it's not as easy as it once was, so if you have the time to look and judge, maybe YOU should be trying harder, rather than judging others. 

Of course, it might be from me, catching a glimpse of myself in a shop window or a mirror as I leave home. To me I say, don't like what you see? Then do something about it, you did this to you, you can undo it too. So stay strong and keep pushing. 
One day the power I put out will have a much lighter weight to propel, then maybe I will become that judgemental arsehole instead lol. 

PS, just for clarity, no one has said anything or made me feel judged. I do that all by myself!

Published on Leave a comment on Things ain’t right!

I know, I know, I said it before, but I just wanted to get things straight in my head.

Since the last entry I have had a week off work, got lots of odd jobs done, achieved a few things, thought a lot, seen friends, been out a couple of times, went to see Michael McIntyre and so on. Plenty of me time is the main thing there. 
Sadly I have also spent a lot of money that I don't have yet in order to get those jobs I mentioned done. I have had a few nice bike rides too, and spent time walking the dogs. 

But with all that said and done, I don't feel right. 
Last night was a prime example, but before I get to that, let me do a quick pupdate.
House training is finally getting there, habits are starting to form, and her true personality is starting to shine through. Much as I had hoped (like my others) she loves being solitary, will take herself off up the hallway, or into the bed in the corner of the living room. She has even taken to sleeping outside at night for a few hours at a time now too. Unfortunately Kallik likes sleeping outside too, and her being out there annoys him slightly, which he vocalises. Sadly that is not ideal at 1am.  It is not her being there that bothers him, but more when she gets ants in her pants and starts wandering around the garden. Work in progress there then, but definitely progress. 

Ironically, for a dog that likes to be on her own, it seems she is a little attached to me. Even when Ann is in she can get vocal if I go out. That said we were out for 3 hours the other day, and not so much as a whisper. It is very sporadic, occasionally we go out and nothing. Sometimes a little moan then nothing. Sometimes nothing then a moan, then nothing, and every now and then she is vocal for the majority of the time we are out. Boredom more than separation anxiety I would say, but can't quite put my finger on the trigger.  Strange!

Anyway, back to me, last night...
Over the past couple of nights there have been a couple of foxes in nearby gardens being very noisy, its that time of year and all. Anyway, Kallik is a big fan of foxes and likes to introduce himself. When he knows they are around he gets very unsettled.
Deciding on an early night last night, I climbed into bed and within minutes the foxes started, Kallik who was in the back garden started and a nightmare begun. I brought him in, but instead of settling he whined to go back out, which wound the others up too.  Nothing I have not been through before, and as irritating as it is, you get by. 

However, last night I could not settle. I think I was more unsettled than the dogs were. Aware of my heart pounding, and still full of food from a big dinner I felt thoroughly unsettled and borderline unwell. Mistaking being bloated for pressure in the chest and so on, I spiralled for the first time in a long time. It was not til about 2am I got back into feeling OK again, and settled enough to get a few hours sleep. On the plus side of all this, Freyja managed almost 8 hours without going out into the garden for a wee, and the house stayed dry, so small mercies and all that. 

The issue lays with the four hours I had to myself, to mentally beat myself up, and over think for the first time in a while. It is amazing what you can come up with left in the company of a mad-man aka your own mind. The bloated feeling got me thinking about health and weight, the over thinking part of it got me concerned about my mental state.

Starting with physical fitness and health. For my age I guess I am doing OK. More active than a large percentage in my age group, good resting heart rate, athleticism isn't too shabby. So they are the positives. The negatives... I eat too much junk food, I am over weight, my BP is higher than normal, and I am cheating myself by not being lighter and faster. Looking back at historic numbers I am heavy and slow now. Where as before I was quite heavy and quite quick lol. Age plays a part, state of mind doesn't help and I will come to that. But ultimately I need to shift some weight. Pretty sure I have said that a lot recently, but I just CANNOT find the motivation to stay on the wagon. I have lost some, but then I lost the enthusiasm. If weight were enthusiasm, I would be 8 stone now!

Then there is the mind, which really is not playing ball right now. I know I have said a few times now that I am doing OK in the face of such big changes, however I am left wondering if I am just putting on a brave face, and am actually struggling. Or maybe that is just me not giving myself enough credit for handling something well. 
I think the truth is somewhere in the middle. In general I feel confident that I will have a job when I am ready. Like I have said, there are offers there, so I can kinda confidently say "I have a job" to go to, just not sure which one yet. In the meantime I continue to look and consider others, occasionally applying.  So it is fair to say I am not putting a face on in that regard.

Possibly one of the areas I am having a bit of an internal debate is what I actually want to do. Out the gate I said I want to make a difference, help with change in people, feel I have achieved something, and that remains true. However I also want to be happy and mentally healthy too, so there is balance to be found. Having worked part time for 15 years almost, I know going back to full time work will have an impact. Morning rides and runs will not be as easy or frequent anymore. I am OK with that, I think. Well, especially as I have recently not been doing that much, which has not helped with the physical side of things, and weight. 

So, finding a new job.... check. Pretty much a done deal. 
Happiness in job / home..... semi check. I have only gone for roles I feel comfortable with, as diverse as a few of them are. 
Freedom.... That is gonna take a hit if I stick with my top 3 jobs.

That is probably the one hitting me the hardest, but the one point I have avoided thinking about too much until now. But as the clock starts to tick down, it is time to give it some thought. And based on some recent conversations, maybe also time to reconsider my top 3 jobs, and give some others some thought too. Things that offer me a little more freedom to organise my day. I don't think I have gone down the wrong path, I just don't think I have looked at any others hard enough to consider them critically, and be 100% certain on my choices.

There are a multitude of job opportunities that offer me more freedom to plan my day my own way. But the trade off is the job satisfaction, and I am not too sure I want to compromise that. Out of the frying pan springs to mind. 

So what is this, or are these other paths....?
Well the first is re-training. Something along the lines of counselling. Rewarding, feel like I am giving back, and something I have some experience in, and some "transferrable skills" (see I do read all the job application forms!! lol). It would require me to do a college course, and get some qualifications. In the meantime I would need to get a less satisfying part time job to allow the study / income balance. But of all the ideas I have had over many years, this is one I come back to frequently. I could even use that skillset in other roles that appeal to me, so a win win. 

The other is back to basics, driving of some kind. Anything is a consideration, from buses, to lorries, to Uber, whatever. Just something I can just get on an do, while contemplating what comes next for me.

All of the above deserve a little consideration, while waiting on the primary list to sort itself out. Seems patience is truly a virtue when it comes to getting the ball rolling with job offers. Three months since passing all the assessments, and still waiting on a placement. Phew, this is intense. 

Anyway, I am going a bit all over the place here. So to wrap this up, I guess what has come out of my head in this writing session is that I need to be kind to myself, not blinker my views on the road or roads ahead, and appreciate that there is a lot going on right now. My life can be viewed as every aspect being suspended in the air like a mobile for a baby. Hanging from strings, bobbing around but going nowhere at the moment. Just waiting for things to actually move to get an idea of what comes next and what it looks like.

God I needed this time to write. Can't say I have discovered anything ground-breaking, but getting it out of my head and into the ether always feels better. The pressure has been released once again.

Now, back to beating myself up about my weight and appearance. And trying to find that illusive bit of motivation and willpower I need to get things moving again. I always say routine is the key, and it is... Just got to find mine. Maybe the nicer weather will help... And of course putting the cakes down!

As ever, thanks for reading.

2

Published on 2 Comments on Disturbance in the force

All is well, or so it seemed, but something isn't right.
It is a hard one to explain, but over the past week I have become more and more aware that something is not right. Maybe it is the weather, and being trapped indoors, unable to run or ride the way I would like to. Could I be unsettled by the redundancy becoming a reality having been formalised? Am I just in the midst of a mood swing, or is it something else.

I thought I would take to the blog to throw my thoughts out and see what I can make of them. So, in the guise of a YouTube Vlogger.... Let's get into this!

It has been a week since the formal notice period for my redundancy began. Throughout the build up to this I have felt OK about it. I would say good, but that just sounds a bit weird. Either way, as inconvenient as it is, it is not the end of the world, and I do not find myself fixated on it, worrying about what I am going to do. I have found other avenues to go down for work, with offers in hand. My redundancy package is fair, and will keep me going in the event of the current plans derailing, so in that regard, I am OK with that.

Yesterday towards the end of the day, people who I have worked with for a couple of decades began sending messages to all the other staff, saying their goodbyes, wishing everyone the best etc. I have to say there were a few exchanges with some of them which really drove home just how long I have been working with some of them, and how it really is the end of a chapter. As one said "we have almost grown up together", which when I thought about it, he was right. I will definitely be sad to see them go. While being realistic that we will probably lose contact very quickly, even with the magic of social media. We had work in common, not much else.

But no, I don't think it's work. Especially with some of the events of the last week of two, with some people really starting to wind down their efforts, and in the process wind me up with their lame attitudes, and arrogant behaviour. As I keep saying in group chats #WontMissThat whenever something irritating occurs. In fact that COULD be part of it, maybe it IS work?
Having spend years normalised to the selfish behaviour of some, taking it with a pinch of salt, rather than escalating a situation to the point of not being able to work with someone, although that has happened a couple of times. Thankfully the most recent being incommunicado right now, so that works for me. So yeah, maybe I am just really starting to bite my tongue now as the end draws closer, finding it harder and harder to tolerate people who push my buttons. Hmm, I will ponder that one. It is definitely a thing, just not sure if it's THE thing.

Plans moving ahead seem OK at the moment, although a little slow moving which is a bit frustrating. Checking regularly for updates, maybe a little too frequently for my own good. But having had conversations with one of the options this week, it reassured me that it was in place and ready to go, I just need to pull the trigger on it. Well, almost that simple, still a bit of back and forth to confirm dates etc. Hopefully I will get some more info on the others soon and be able to turn a page on that side of things.

Being stuck indoors is definitely jarring. Having had some fencing done by landscapers over a couple of days this week, I have been unable to go out on those mornings, which frustratingly have been the best mornings of the week, with the rest of the week being a complete washout. Sure I could probably go for a run in the rain, I have done it plenty of times before, but the mood just doesn't take me right now. So again, the opportunity to get out, put off because of my mood, so maybe it's not the lack of getting out.

With that said, even if I have not felt to run or ride outdoors, missing out on just being out there in the fresh air is definitely a thing for me. I usually make a point of getting out once a day at least, even for a walk. Air between the ears, head-space, and just a general reset for me. I am definitely missing that right now. That needs to change, and pronto. Phew, finally I have found something that IS having an impact on my mood and mindset. Right, I need to get out for at least a walk today, and I want to get a session on Zwift in too, just to get the heart working.

Speaking of getting the heart working, again another niggle for me is exercise for fitness and weightloss. Having done so little this week I FEEL heavy and big right now. I am sure I have not gained 10lbs from a few days of bad eating and not exercising, but mentally it feels like I have. Instead I have sat at home, watched TV, and cleaned up after the dogs. Back to that in a minute. Now, to be fair to myself I have also gotten some projects around the house and garden done, so it has not been a complete week of being a couch potato. Credit where it is due, carrying bags of topsoil around and  levelling the garden, not to mention constantly moving temporary fencing around to make sure the dogs can't get into the worst parts of the waterlogged garden, and bring most of it into the house with them.

OK, so the dogs... Fuck me, this pup is testing me right now. A few days clean, then she decides the hallway is the garden, and does her business all over it. The only saving grace right now (cursing myself here I know) is that she has not fixated on the section of hallway with gaps in the grout, so at least it is not a toxic cloud of urine when you walk into the house. Towels on the floor for easy clean ups just seems to give her the impression that is where she is meant to go. So its a bit of a lose-lose scenario right now on that front.

All that said, we have come a long way, and things have improved a lot. However the idea of going out for a run or ride, and coming home to have to clear up does put a downer on the idea of going out. Added to the fact of we are currently going through a phase of the pup crying when we go out. Sometimes nothing, sometimes it seems pretty constant. Occasionally she will cry for a few mins then stop for hours on end. All this is discovered by looking back on the cameras and seeing the sound activations. One day it is a few dots, the next a solid grey line against the entire time-line. 

Having spoken to the neighbours about it, they have no issue with the crying, it isn't barking and howling, just low frequency moaning. That is a huge relief for sure, but even in the knowledge of that, I am still struggling to switch off when I go out, and am put of even going out in the first place, knowing she may be going to be pissing, shitting and crying while I am out. Although thankfully it seems to happen less and less. The only thing to do it rinse and repeat til we build a routine.
A routine of course that I will need to have created by the time I start a new job, and am out for hours at a time each day. So another stress point for me identified right there. Getting the routine sorted and the peace of mind that the dogs will be OK when we are both out.

This is something that was never an issue with other dogs, and it my first time dealing with a dog that has problems being left alone. This is not acute separation anxiety as such, more a lack of stimulation on any given day, but all a bit too hit and miss to identify a trigger or cure. The thought of "this isn't working out" keeps creeping back into my mind, along with "what have we done", and "was this a mistake". I won't deny having low moments about it all and feeling like I am not sure how long I can go before deciding something needs to change. Hopefully we don't get to that point!

So that is a few things that are wobbling around my head right now. Lack of getting out on the bike, having a garden that is currently a swamp, seeing the lawn disappear before my eyes, wondering when I will hear back from the job offers next, planning a long holiday before starting a new job, but having the uncertainty of the dogs, or the pup I should say, on my mind constantly. Not to mention the eternal cleaning of the hallway, getting up in the middle of the night to let them out.

Oh, that's another thing, broken sleep. I am trying to get to bed earlier, knowing that the dogs are going to get me up in the early hours. Trying to bank a few solid hours before the disruption starts. Then for some reason my mind wakes up by 6.30am daily, so if I had a late night it is game over for sleep for me after that time. Once the mind is awake, the rest of me wakes up  quickly. Maybe I will rename my brain Bagpuss, as when the brain wakes, all the little mice of the body wake.

In summary, what I am taking away from all this is that there is nothing catastrophic there. Nothing life changing going on that will derail me. However there are lots of bumps, and each one of them unsettles me a little more. The more bumps in a day that I go over, and the closer they are in succession, the tougher the day gets. So for example, wake from a broken nights sleep, clean up piss in the hallway, think about going for a run, see the weather, remember I am waiting in for a delivery or worker. Finally manage to get out for a walk, enjoy myself for a moment, but constantly in the back of my mind I am trying not to check the cameras to see if she is behaving. Get home, check for piss and poo, finally check the cameras and see if she has behaved of not. It's now only 10am! I have not even started work yet by this point, and even started to get wound up by the stupidity that awaits.

Oh well, four days off over Easter now, so shared time at home, shared responsibilities so that is something, right. A bit of a break, a chance to work on forming routines, and a bit of a break from the current routine of destruction.
Now if I can just get a break in the weather to get out on the bike for a few hours, that might go some way to finding my feet again. As I typed that the sun burst through the grey clouds outside the window, so that must be a sign, right, PLEASE !!

Thanks for reading my rant, and sharing this latest journey of my thoughts outside my head. Allowing them to expand, and become fully fledged thoughts, and disappear for a bit.

Right, I am off to clean the hallway of mud, piss, and poo again. Have a great weekend, safe in the knowledge it will probably be better than mine.

Anyone want a puppy? lol

Published on Leave a comment on It’s Official, redundancy…

After a couple of months of bumbling around, fumbling with information leaks, ignoring pleas for more information, to help the affected people make good, informed decisions, Fedex have finally confirmed they are making us redundant.  From the first meeting at the start of January we all knew the "process" would end this way. And it seems those in the know also knew this would be the case. With unofficial information coming from all directions, the writing was on the wall. Just not in the communications from the company.

Before I go any further I just want to make these points. My point of contact throughout this process has been respectful, supportive, and considerate from start to finish. Getting answers where possible, and always being available to speak to.
I would also add that the redundancy compensation package is above and beyond what statutory rights demand. And for that I am sincerely grateful. Sadly that is where the compliments end. 

It has been clear throughout that decisions were made long before they were communicated. And that is where the process for me really starts to fall apart. Now I am not going to get into the intricate details, and guess who at what level knew what when, but it is blatantly obvious from some of the leaks of information, the roadmap for the company etc, that things were known long before the end of last week.  In fact staff at other locations have been notified a few weeks prior, but even their demise was clear as day on the information available.

I think the bit that really bites for me is the absolute lack of consideration for peoples mental health. Hearing you "might" be made redundant, then being left hanging for months is poor. Especially when the most support you get is "here's a link to the EAP if you want to speak to someone". People didn't want comfort, they wanted answers. 
When can I start applying for jobs?
When will I be leaving?
Those were the main two I kept hearing over and over.  Even being made aware of someone who had panicked and found a new job, only to be told that as they were still in the consultation period, and not officially being made redundant yet, that if they left to start the new job, they would be treated as if they had resigned and receive no redundancy.

Now, call me daft, but most people on hearing they are going to lose their job, automatically start looking to secure a new job as soon as possible. The problem here of course is the time line. Having been told THREE months ago that we "might" be made redundant, and the announcement containing more than a hint of it being a certainty, some wise people, including myself dare I say, started looking for new jobs. The problem was of course that when the potential new employer said "great, you have the job, when can you start", your response was nothing more than a blank faced shoulder shrug, and a "dunno". It is not a nice situation to be in.

Having experienced it first hand a couple of times, being told with no solid available date, they could not advance the offer of employment, I can confirm its a shitty feeling. Both being at the will of a company who is making you redundant when they are good and ready. And of course to appear to be recklessly seeking work while having no idea when you can start. Added to that of course is the 12 week notice period. Again something some employers are not willing to even entertain. Now of course this 12 week period is flexible as it is the time the company is required to give employees. So if you needed to leave sooner, that could be discussed. 

The problem of course is, until last week the 12 weeks had not even started! So a lot of people have waited three months to be finally given the news they have been waiting for. 

Of course there are two sides to every story, and you have to at least consider the position the company are in. The whole transition of services from one depot to another, replicate over and over across the country has to be carefully planned. A logistical nightmare I imagine, and from an organisational standpoint, a massive task. The planning that has gone into the shift is mindboggling.
Then of course there is the rollout of it. Obviously the process started somewhere with someone and the first team affected by it. So of course giving notice like that has a ripple effect. The mere mention of redundancies shoots through a company like a shockwave, and regardless of "please don't tell others about this", it is inevitable. 

With this in mind, I get that there was a need to say something was early as they did. The problem of course is, from that point on, there was no information for a large number of people. From back office to customer facing, there are a lot of jobs affected by this move, and a lot of people were left hanging. We are all different people, with a wide range of circumstances, so there would have been tens of dozens of different reactions. I know for sure that a lot of questions were asked, by myself and others. And while most will assume the number one question was "how much", I can assure you the majority simply wanted to know when!

Again, from the companys perspective, telling hundreds of members of staff that they will not have a job from six months time is potential productive suicide. Knowing you could face a wave of resignations, mass sickness etc. So in that regard it has been a smart move. The masses waiting for their redundancy pay-outs, and only the expected few have decided to make the most of going sick. Of course I am sure this is due to the stress and anxiety caused by the news... Or maybe not?

The biggest issue for me all along has just been the when. Not the why, that is not my problem. The how much was simply a formality, and again due to leaks, it was obvious early on how much the pay-out would be, and I am certainly not complaining about the number.
I have to say, for the main part I have been very fortunate with the "when". With a few roles I have applied for either being fine with the delayed start date, or the recruitment process being so long, a start date would not be affected by the delay in being given notice by Fedex. 
I have certainly been luck in this regard, and even luckier to at this point be moving forward with two job offers presently, neither of which is impacted by the timeline. 

Having looked at it from the other side, from the company perspective, and respecting as much as I can the reasoning for the delay, I now want to look at from an alternative perspective of my own. One that is talked about in this blog a lot. The perspective of the anxious mind. 
Going back a few years there was another wave of redundancies, and even though it was quite swift, the process was very stressful for me at the time. Wondering what I could possibly do next with my life, rejected from employment after 20 years of service (at that time), to old to learn new things, financially insecure. It shook my world hard!
Thankfully I am in a much stronger position now, in all regards, but I can't help feel that there are some out there who are going through lows at the moment. I cannot imagine how that level of uncertainty feels over such a long duration, and can only hope that everyone else affected is strong enough to weather it. At least we have dates to work to now, and can actually start to plan.

Now that the clock is finally ticking down to zero, and we know when zero is, I feel.... Well I feel free!
That is the only way I can describe the feeling really. Soon my employment with Fedex will come to an end after almost a quarter of a century. I have worked for the company for almost the same length of time I had been alive by the time I came to work for the company. Half my life spent working for the same company, most of it with the same team too. 

Speaking of the team.... Haha, biting my tongue here, that can all come later, but rest assured there will be more relief than sadness when the last day comes. Let's park that there for the time being eh. 

So back to how I feel, and what comes next. Now I have dates to work with, my plan is to take some time off before starting anything new. Work on fitness, mental health and hitting the reset button before I start my next adventure. The jobs that are in the pipeline are not necessarily the ones I will end up doing, I am still looking at other options, and the time off will help me make my next move with confidence.  I have looked at a wide variety of jobs and industries, and only gone with the ones that interest or excite me. 

All I can say now is cheers for reading, here's to new beginnings, a new adventure for everyone, and wish the majority of my fellow colleagues all the best. There are of course exceptions to that, and they either know who they are, or are so oblivious to my feelings towards them, that it explains why I feel the way I do haha. 

Right, enough waffle, I have a life to plan. Take care all

 

Published on Leave a comment on Today was a good day…

In the words of Ice Cube!

I am usually pretty quick at writing entries when things are going wrong, or I feel like moaning about something. However the positive posts are fewer and further between.

So today I have decided to change that up a bit. As my previous entry said, not a lot is happening right now with the whole redundancy thing, and it was starting to grind my gears a bit. With a few irons in the fire, and waiting for things to fall into place really starting to drag me down a bit.

So today, I had a job interview /assessment day. And with no further bullshit or drama, I was offered a job. I am not going to go into details about it right now. A few people know, but for the time being it's just "a job offer".

In the grand scheme of things, it is not my first choice of role. However it is one I am more than happy to run with (or I would not have applied for it, duh!). Let's call it a favourable second choice.

The main thing here is, my first choice role is progressing, I have passed most of the necessary stages to get the role. However there are a couple of things beyond my control left to happen before everything falls into place. As I cannot be 100% confident that it will all work out, it is nice to have the 2nd place role secured as a fall back.

I even confirmed with them that I have a flexible start date, to allow for the uncertainty of the actual date of redundancy, and to allow me a little wiggle room for a breather between jobs when the day comes.

This is just the news I needed to settle things down  a bit, and give me a little reassurance that whatever happens now, I have a job to move onto. I have income, something to do that I actually interests me (either role for that matter), so I can breathe easy on that front at least.

Two months ago, just after we went back to work after New Years, we were told we were being made redundant.... Here I am now with two job offers, and dare I say I am still keeping my ear to the ground and looking for other options and ideas. Until the day I actually finish with my current job, I shall keep my eyes open for any opportunities that appeal to me.

I was actually offered an interview for another role last week, but the time lines just don't work for them at the moment, due to the 12 weeks notice period. But who knows, things might change and I might go after that one instead. It was actually a lot closer to home too lol.

So after a long day of tests, medical, assessments and travel, I came home to find the dogs had managed to get into the front room. Damnit lol.

Right, im going to bed. My brain needs to process and archive today.

Published on Leave a comment on So much NOT happening!

Good question, I was wondering the same myself to be honest, as at times I have lost it a bit. First of all I can't believe it has been over a month since I last wrote an entry here, that feels insane. And for my own sake, right now, is probably a little too long for my own sanity. Writing has always been the way I process things, and is the reason I always encourage others going through anything to do the same. 

Anyway, let's have a quick catch up shall we. Now, where do I start.....

Let's start with the fun stuff, the warm and cuddly kind. The puppy, aka Freyja, aka Monster, aka Snooty Toots, aka NO!!! Puppies are always hard work, even at the best of times, but I have to say she has really pushed some boundaries to say the least. House training... getting there, but still struggling a bit some days. Protest pees and poos when she is told off or not given the attention she wants. Occasional crying when we go out. This seems to be increasing at the moment, but is very much a random thing. Some days, 4 hours no problems. Other days, within minutes of walking out the door. Sometimes its a little moan. Other times it can last half an hour or so. And her latest trick, stealing and eating things. Silicone spatula, fish slice, oven mitt.... Just to name a few. On the plus side, it means the surfaces in the kitchen now are much clearer and cleaner. 

So yeah, that is a bit of a challenge right now, and has tested my patience of late. I won't say I am ashamed of being mad at her for it, just a little disappointed. However, with everything going on right now, she is kinda the straw that is threatening to break this camels back. Obviously with me being home for work all day (at the moment), I have a lot more time and experiences with the little shite than Ann does, so I guess it would be unfair to say I am dealing with the lions share, as it is just circumstances and not choices. All the same, some days it is exhausting me, mentally. Then when anything happens when we are both home, I get all precious and feel overwhelmed by it all. 

So I guess I better get to the juicy bits really. Starting with the big bit, redundancy.
I had my second consultation meeting yesterday, and was given a little more information on the situation. A settlement figure for the actual redundancy, a guide of how the timeline would go, and the opportunity to ask questions about the whole process. 

I think the important thing to clarify here is, although we were put on notice of possible redundancy in the second week of Jan. With the knowledge of course that it was actually certain redundancy, but there is a process and all, I know, I know. Either way, notice of the process beginning was given at that time. SO week two of 2024 we were given the notice. We are now on week 11, nine weeks later, and the second meeting has happened. Important to note that there was a first official meeting at the start of Feb.

Yesterdays meeting as I say had a bit more meat on the bones, however technically we have still NOT been officially made redundant, or started our notice periods. The carrot continues to dangle, the uncertainly continues also. What do you tell potential employers about your availability to start a new job. Just take a guess, ballpark it and hope it doesn't affect your redundancy pay-out? Some have decided on some interesting ways of dealing with this whole experience, as expected!

As it stands I now know what I will receive when the time comes. How long the notice period is (12 weeks) and that there MAY be a portion of that paid in lieu of notice. However at the moment I am setting my sights on having to work the full 12 weeks, so any days or weeks I don't have to is just a bonus. The timeline is a little confused by the way the roles at various locations are tapering off, with the last of them being about eight weeks away. The suggestion is (as expected) that there will be a handover period, and a passing of any relevant information or training required.  I guess we wait and see about that.

Now we get to the important part.....me! Me, me, meeee!
Obviously for the past couple of months I have been dipping my toe in the frigid waters of the job pool, seeing what is out there, considering what I can do, and trying to find roles that interest me. The most important thing is I want a sense of playing a part, being involved, and making a difference if possible. Of course I cannot be sure to what extent I can achieve those things, however I want to do something that allows a certain level of job satisfaction, much as my current role does. Being able to help a customer, impact on someones day, or even shape their future. Time will tell I guess. 

I have applied for a few jobs out there. One or two knock-backs, but more positive than negative responses. Having passed the application process for one role I am very interested in, I am just awaiting a provisional offer now, to continue the process. Hopefully it will not be too much longer before I hear back from them, and can accept, and then start the daunting process of references, medical, and vetting. *gulp*

A few other roles are still in the application process, with assessments due soon. I will see how they go, and adjust my horizons accordingly. Annoyingly the notice period, and leaving date from my current employer is not the only pinch point right now. With the waiting period for the primary role I want being quite a long one, that impacts my ability to accept others offers made in the meantime. It is out of my control, and could still all end in tears for me for that role. However I would rather delay making any other moves until I am sure of the direction the primary is taking. After all I am being paid redundancy, so have a certain cushion to allow me some thinking time. No point rushing into misery, just for the sake of securing A job.

All sounds a bit messy doesn't it? Which explains going back to my first point, why my brain is in a bit of a funk right now. The smallest things are turning into big deals, and I suspect that is due to some stress being caused by the other things going on. 

A quick recap at this point..

Puppy from hell terrorising me. Awaiting confirmed redundancy date from work. Awaiting provisional job offer from first choice role. Head in a funk caused by all the above

I think that summarises it nicely so far.

Now I have gotten all that out of my head and onto a screen, I can see what is going on, and how normal it is to be overwhelmed by little things. I think that is always the way, and some people would do well to understand and appreciate. When you feel there are little things bothering you, getting you down, and upsetting you, a lot of the time it is because you are dealing with something else far worse or demanding, and you are simply mentally exhausted. So the slightest little thing sends you over the edge or off on a mad one.

In short I have a load of really important stuff happening all at the same time. Uncertainty, insecurity, confusion and curiosity to name but a few. I am temporarily out of control of my life, and that is not something I am familiar with or comfortable with, so it makes sense that I feel the way I do.
In the meantime I am trying to focus on keeping myself sane, practising mindfulness whenever the opportunity allows. As well as trying to get a grip of my fitness and physical health for whatever may lay ahead of me. I would like to start whatever role I go into with the best possible fitness, and the outlook to improve on it from here on in. 

Hopefully the next few weeks will see some certainty return, and the road ahead will become a little clearer. One thing I can say wholeheartedly is that whatever the next step is for me, I am ready for it, "excited" for the change, and looking forward to learning new skills, and doing new things. 

Now I just have to hope and pray that the poop machine of a puppy can get her act together in the next 3-4 months, and that we can go back to them being OK being left alone for a while each day. Guess I better get practising with all that. 

Thanks for reading, and if you are one of the people I have leaned on recently for a little sanity check, and venting session, thank you so much for taking the time to be there for me, you know I am here for you too.