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Published on 2 Comments on Urrrgh!

Gonna be one of those days I think. Long but crappy nights sleep (thanks Kallik), starting to feel less run down which is nice, but still very unsettled. Body battery (Garmin thing) is quite low for me, and reflects how I feel, but otherwise things are OK. 

Had my first CBT session this morning, and I have to say, after a little pre meeting trepidation, it all went well, and like before, I feel like I have a grip on it and am starting to have a bit of an understanding. That said, I think I have always understood my anxiety, but just not yet learned how to cope with it. She did say in the session that I had made great progress, understood the structure well and was becoming my own coach, so that's good, right?  We did also discover that I am pretty complex and my favourite word is "control". 

As I expected, the scores from my testing this week show a swing back towards depression, and a relaxation of my social anxiety. That is why the therapies route has always been such a pain for me. While they are connected, and dealing with one assists with the other, it's a "pick one" approach, and a more generalised one at that. But for the speed this therapy has come about, I am NOT complaining, and appreciate the help I am getting. But it does support the pendulum effect I have always spoken about, that as one issue lessens, the other gets worse. The goal here is to stop the damn thing swinging and sit happily in the middle, or at the very least, take the energy out of the pendulum and stop it swinging further and further into the abyss. 

Tomorrow I have my meeting with work to discuss my situation moving forwards, so hopefully some progress can be made there. I am hoping we can separate the two situations, and deal with mine individually rather than with the herd. Worst case, herd is first, and I just have to be patient. If that is the case, I still feel in control, so am not too worried about the outcome, just more frustrated by the delays. 

For the rest of the day now I am at a loose end. I really want to do something, but not sure what. Riding seems a bit of an effort and faff for how I feel right now. But sitting on my arse for the whole day seems pretty frickin dull, so maybe a walk is the answer. I don't want to socialise in any way, partially because of how my head feels and partly because of Ann having Covid and me not wanting to spread it. So a walk in the open sounds like the best plan right now I think. Fresh air, pod cast in my ears and get the HR up a bit. 

Mentally today I feel a bit lethargic, disinterested in doing much. Haven't washed the bike after yesterdays ride, a few odd jobs need doing but I haven't been bothered, and beating myself up a bit about forgetting to put the bins out. I wasn't sure if it was a bank holiday weekend for bin collection or not. Meh! Oh well. (edit, I just checked and seems they are being collected tomorrow, phew!) But yeah, head not in a bad place today, just not too motivated. Thought process seems a little more active today. Noticed I was quite engaged during my CBT session, able to think on my feet, and also writing this I feel 8 have some flow. That may of course be because I have only just taken today's dose of meds, so could go downhill from here yet, but all part of the journey. 

It's nice that people are reading these entries and being kind enough to respond to me via messages and other means. Feels good to know it's a shared journey and a path others have trodden before, so thank you to everyone who has been in touch in anyway, your support means a lot to me. And I hope in turn than by writing and sharing this, others somehow get some help and understanding from my journey. It has always been the goal of this blog to share both ways. 

Right, I better get my day in order before I give up on it all together. 

Til tomorrow... 

Published on Leave a comment on Side effects have arrived!

Almost at the end of the first week of taking the news meds, and the side effects are starting to show their face. Nothing alarming, or that I have not experienced before, but they change the game a little all the same. Sertraline is the drug in question this time around, a change to my usual Citalopram, but early days feel the same. 

Due to feelings really run down at the moment, I am already struggling to have the energy to do much, but combined with the early effects of the meds, it has kinda knocked me for six. Currently feeling physically fatigued, my interest in doing anything is badly affected, so I am spending a lot of time sitting around and not doing much. I noticed yesterday when going for a little ride that my energy levels were pretty low. By last night the mouth ulcers including one on my tongue had reached a point of not just discomfort, but annoyance too. Over salivating, so continually swallowing makes it really hard to get to sleep, making you feel like you are drowning in your own saliva. One of the ways to kerb this is to clench my mouth shut, but that leads to headaches. Lose-lose!

Anyway, this is meant to be about side effects of the meds, not ailements of being run down. So let's get back to those. Now the actual intended effects of the meds generally take 4-6 weeks to have a noticable effect on the condition they are treating. However that does not mean they don't start to have an effect straight away. The idea is to build up a level in the body to impact the anxiety, but with a regular dose, it soon starts to have an impact even before levels build up.

Previously, and indeed currently the main effect is a dulling of the thought process. There is a trade off to be had, and I will give a good example of it shortly, but for now, let me try and explain how I feel right now. I feel mentally lethargic, with a lack of focus on anything. Concentration is very, very low, so even something as simple as following the plot of a program I am watching can be difficult. When speaking I can lose my flow mid sentence, or completely tune out of a conversation I am having without warning. Even if I have listened carefully, recalling what was just said can be difficult. Even recalling what I just said can be tough. We all have this sort of thing for a moment, but for me right now, its all day long.

Trying to put a blog entry together is hard work, and in a rare moment of clarity, here I am trying to document what is going on before I lose my way again, and lose the chance to create this valuable reference point for myself. The upside of this feeling of course is the almost inability to dwell on anything. My anxiety can find me caught up in a self destructive loop at times, catastrophising the most simple of thoughts. To go back to the example I promised, last night while suffocating in saliva, I wondered why I was suddenly creating so much. My mind trying to be as irrational as possible took me back a few weekends where I saw a runner at the half marathon running in aid of "saliva gland cancer research"... Of course my mind went to cancer. 

Now, if this was just me, not on medication I can guarentee that I would have got up, googled the symptoms, and somehow worked on making them fit to what was going on, for a moment at least. Instead, my mind went there, the thought entered my mind, exited and was not heard of again for the rest of the night. It is almost like a temporary amnesia which makes it impossible for the conscious mind to hold on to a thought long enough to spiral down with it. Handy in those instances, difficult day to day. Needless to say, concentration comes at a price right now, and that cost is irritability. If I am trying to focus on one thing, and anything distracts me, I become very frustrated, very quickly.  Another cost is energy. To focus on a TV program for an hour, leaves me tired and needing to take a break, which is what I am doing right now.

Other effects include feeling a bit light headed from time to time, lack of interest in doing a lot of things which require any focus or physical energy, and general all round tiredness. Yesterday I liked the idea of going for a couple of rides this weekend, by the time I woke this morning, after a crap nights sleep, I had no interest in doing so whatsoever. Thinking about it, I honestly think I would be a liability on a bike today, as I just can't shake the wandering mind and eyes. We did pop to the shops earlier, and while I felt save taking an easy drive there, my ability to shop  was just not there. No idea what I wanted, so just grabbed a few obvious things, and called it a day. For the rest of the day I shall just rest body and mind.

Fingers crossed the mouth starts to feel a bit better soon, as the over production of saliva and constantly swallowing it leaves me feeling quite nauseous, and I could do without any more ailements right now thanks.
I am gonna leave this one here now as I am struggling a bit to write rather than ramble. Apologies for the waffle and any typos, I just don't have the capacity to do much better. From previous experiences with these meds, these effects should ease a little in the coming weeks. Replaced by some other weird and wonderful side effects, which will also hopefully be short lived.  Just to add, by the end of the week I had received no contact from work at all, no acknowledgement of me calling in sick, or my absence. And no updates on the outcome of my appointment with OH, so that is officially a month without so much as a single word being spoken about it. Nice one! Next week, if I can string a sentence together, I will chase this up.

Thanks as ever for reading.

Footnote..
Apologies to anyone I engage with over the coming few weeks. If I stop talking or replying, or just seem distant, it is just the meds making it hard to concentrate. If you are boring me, I will be sure to just say! 

Published on Leave a comment on My history with anxiety. Pt1

Over recent years I have found myself wondering where this all began. What was my trigger to this whole battle with mental health, and when I could first recall the first instances or behaviours. 

I usually have these internal conversations late at night when I am trying to sleep, like now. 11pm on a Wednesday night. So I decided that the best way to deal with it is to document it. Then then next time I have these conversations, I can look back and remind myself and stop the cycle in its tracks. That's the plan anyway. 

So last night I was laying here at about 12.30am, trying to shut my mind up, and events of many years ago kept coming back into my head. 

I am going to try and write this little mini series in a more constructive way, but for now wanted to get this one out of my head. 

My Twisty! Since late in junior school, and definitely through secondary I used to carry cotton hankies. Good old fashioned cotten, washable hankies. None of that tissue nonsense. Gross I know! Anyway, hygiene aside, I always had one with me, much like my trust in inhaler, it was one of the items on the pocket checklist before heading out. 

Now these hankies, originally intended for their main purpose soon became something much more. My twisty. Wherever I was, whatever I was doing, I would always have one hand in my pocket, twisting the corners of the hankie. Tighter and tighter, the more nervous or uncomfortable I felt, the more I would fiddle with them. This habit went way on into my twenties. 

Now I know it's just a fidget thing, loads of people use things like that to pass time, create a distraction, or cope with anxiety. Heck we had a craze for fidget spinners, but for me this is just one little piece of the puzzle which helps me see my road map to where I am today. And also helps me to see this isn't sudden, or sporadic, but more a long term pattern for the way I have always been. 

I'm just going to wrap it all up there, but will add more parts to this series in the coming days as more things come to mind. 

Next up, late bed wetting, and how it shaped my early years... 

Watch this space. 

Published on Leave a comment on Day 2 – Panic attack!

First things first, I feel a lot more relaxed about my situation today. So that's good. Thought it best to start on a positive note before spiralling down and moaning about everything else. 

This morning I am out for another walk. The plans of a ride scuppered again by another night of rain. As its cooling down now, the roads are not drying as quickly, and quite frankly I just don't fancy getting a wet bum. 

So instead I have come out for a little walk, today to Dulwich Park. Like yesterday, taking a break on a bench to offload my thoughts. 

Open park area, with trees and a play area. Blue cloudy skies.

Hopefully I can jump on the trainer this afternoon and burn off some more energy. 

Yesterday was a bit of a funny one, rapid high and low moods, trying to keep myself distracted with anything I could. Worked for the main part, but from time to time the silly thoughts took over. Trying to focus on myself a little bit more for the time being, and letting all the other noise of life disappear. I think sometimes I use that as a distraction from my own issues, which is probably part of my problem. 

Yesterday afternoon, my back and shoulders were still really tight, so I decided to have a soak in the bath. The idea was great, but sitting in a hot bath with your thoughts is sometimes a little too much. And on this occasion it certainly was. After about 15 mins I suddenly felt like I was over heating. My heart started racing, I started sweating heavily, and decided I needed to get out. Rolling over onto my knees to get up, I was hit with a huge wave of nausea, and got really light headed, so decided to stay put for a bit. By this point I was feeling the onset of a panic attack. What was wrong with me! 

Running the cold tap to cool myself down slowly helped, and in about 10 mins I was in a fit state to get out of the bath. Immediately my irrational mind went to "it's the new meds". Rationally though, I know when I have a long soak in a hot bath normally, I can get light headed anyway, rise in body temp and BP. So park that idea right there! The nausea was most likely just because of my intake recently and just how I feel in general exasperating the situation. Panic over. But if I didn't set myself baselines, I would be in a world of worry right now. 

The rest of the day passed without drama, and I stayed up late watching some TV, trying to relax enough to sleep. Going to bed around 11pm, thinking I was ready, I found myself restless and unable to get comfortable. The mouth sores I have from being run down at the moment don't help matters. I tried to distract myself with the idea and plans for a ride the next morning, but hearing the rain outside just left me thinking that was never going to happen, and what would I do with my day instead. 

Doing some mindfulness exercises I started to relax a little and let my thoughts flow in and out, until I got caught up on my history of anxiety, and thinking back to where I thought it all began. That in turn started writing a blog entry in my head, and the thoughts got deeper. Agreeing with myself that this would be a good blog entry, I put the idea to one side, promising myself I would tackle it soon. That seemed to do the trick, and I soon fell asleep, for an hour anyway. 

After that I had my usual night of broken sleep, and when I woke, I looked at the clock, went to roll over, then reminded myself I need to keep a routine. I got up, fed the dogs and took my meds. Then got ready for a walk and here I am now. Bum getting wet sitting on a damp bench in the park. Wondering already what people will think when I get up with a damp patch on my arse to finish my walk. 

When I get home, I will have some lunch, then make a start on my "History of Anxiety" blog. Possibly a mini series of blogs, rather than a huge long one that no one will read to the end of. But like this one haha. 

 

Anyway, thanks for reading, I'm off to be judged by the people of Dulwich for having a wet bum. 

Published on Leave a comment on And so it begins. – Meds Day 1

Yesterday was a turning point for sure, with the appointment with the GP, the chat about meds, and realisation that I am starting to feel crap both physically and mentally. The past couple of days I have had mouth sores, felt tired, and a sudden loss of structure to my days. Not to mention eating lots of junk food. 

I write this from a bench by the river, as I have come out for a morning walk. Having spent last night calming my mind by thinking about going for a ride today, my first day being signed off sick. But waking to slightly crap weather, and forecasts of rain in a while. 

 

As I have been walking, I have already convinced myself that the idea of going for a ride is silly now, but will check the weather in a bit and see if that's possible at all. 

So many thoughts going through my mind at the moment, flying through at 100mph, without a chance to react. Like walking through a crowded street and just hearing people shouting things, but not having time to digest them. So I thought I would stop mid walk to jot some of them down, so not to forget them later. 

Right now, having just started the new medication, it is hard for me to try and get a grip on myself. Not only does it feel like a giant step back, it also leaves me wondering what's coming next. How will they affect me, will any rise in mood be from them or me. So many questions and concerns right now. 

The only thing I could think of doing was to use this as a benchmark for myself, log how I feel right now, before any medication has any effect, and then go from there to try and get a sense of what's going on. 

Before leaving home I called my boss, as its procedure to speak to a manager. Even though I have sent an email, having received no communication to acknowledge it, I thought it best to make the call. I got voicemail, so left a long message saying I would be off, but really hoped to hear something from them while I am off, and said it might help things if I were to. We shall see on that front eh. 

In the meantime, my mood is pretty low, a sense of self loathing creeping in, but I feel in control. Practising my CBT to ward away the crap thoughts. While walking I have noticed I am definitely feeling a lot more anxious about the people around me. Walking along slightly busy streets, trying to make space for myself, but feeling people are magnetically attracted to me, which ever way I go, they go too, walk along a wide pavement and somehow they seem to brush right by me. Sunglasses on on an overcast day, headphones in (listening to Parenting Hell) to block out as much as I can to try and be alone with my thoughts. 

Tension in my neck and shoulders has me feeling uncomfortable, and has been a theme of my sleep for the past couple of days. Walking makes my lower back hurt too, so the combo of both is not ideal. But that's another good excuse to stop and write this. 

Physically within myself I feel balanced, but have to make a point of not over doing it for the next couple of weeks. Walking, running and cycling are my escapes from my mind, which can sometimes becomes a bit self destructive.

I guess that's its for now, I better carry this walk on. Just feels good to jot all that down, and download it from my head. On to over thinking other things now. 

Heres hoping I hear from work, but not holding my breath. 

Another entry coming soon for sure. Be patient, there is gonna be a lot of these types of entries for a while. 

Published on Leave a comment on Nothing makes any sense.

Really struggling today to think straight. Combination of fatigue and just not feeling right upstairs, more the latter I think. Slept badly last night, didn't rest as much as I should have over the weekend, eaten badly, stressed my body any mind over the past couple of days. And to top it off, decided to go for a run this morning, which in retrospect was a silly idea taking into account all the above! But hey, when will I learn. 

Really started the day off in a shitty mood, couldn't care less about anything right now, very much an "aaah fuck it" approach to the day. Not sure why my mood has taken such a swing like this, but I can feel it and it sucks hard! Even on the run this morning I kept having little mini stops, and the voices in my head just said "quit, just walk, fuck running!" I pushed back and finished the run, which usually gives me a sense of achievement, and lifts me a bit, but not today.

Instead I am hot, tired, and most of all distracted by my own thoughts. Unable to have much of a thought process, which makes working rather difficult for me. The simple tasks seem fuzzy, the smallest irritation is a massive deal, and my patience is absolutely non existent. Right now, my one desire is to curl up with the dogs in a dark room, have some gentle ambient sounds, and let everything else just dissolve away. No Ann, not you. Even the most simple of tasks turns into a fight for concentration. You know when you walk into the kitchen and forget what you went in for? Well, its the same process for almost any task I start at the moment. Pick up your phone, no idea why. Walk into the hall, forgotten where I am going. Open a window on the PC, now what, how do I do the task I am trying to do?
Hence hiding is preferential. 

I have wavered for the past few weeks about my state of mind, and how things have been since the little matter of WFH ending. Up and down is definitely one way of explaining it, but more accurately I would say pretty stable, just with the occasional fall of a huge emotional and mental cliff. It is hard to explain, it is almost like a switch being flipped, for no apparent reason, or so it feels. Maybe its just excessive mental load, that is the only thing I can put it down to.

Lots going on, fingers in all sorts of pies, meanwhile the worry of work rumbles on, and I think all put together it is just causing me to shut off from time to time, to in some way protect myself from dealing with too much in one go. I think it really becomes apparent to me when it starts to affect my "go-to" activities. Saturdays ride felt like far more of a chore than it should have been. Sure it was hot, and I ran out of energy. But the after effects of just wanting to hide for a bit in a dark room were not so much physical than mental. 

Same again with running this morning. I know I have felt hot and exhausted before. Reading through notes on previous runs shows that. But what gave in this morning was the mind, not the body. And to me, that sucks. Running and riding are my escapes. When all else goes wrong, I escape with them, but right now, my mind is pushing back, almost as if it wants to fall further and go deeper down the rabbit hole.

My response to all of this, well this is going to be tough for sure. Staying as positive as I can, and trying to remain objective is key. See through the distraction and darkness, and find the positives in all the situation when subconsciously I am trying to quit and shut down. Stay aware of myself and my feelings, and respond in ways which are for my own sake, and not that of others. 

The work part, well that is a tougher situation. On normal days it is bad enough to stay objective and deal with issues as they arise. But right now, with my head in a funk, dealing with an absolute shit show of a location, and with the WFH situation looming. Just the idea of logging on is an effort and one that feels counter-intuitive if my own well-being is my main concern.  I have my Occupational Health appointment tomorrow afternoon, so will have to write down some notes about what is going on. Otherwise right now, I would just be like a nodding dog, and have nothing constructive to add to the appointment. Which would be bad for me I am sure. 

So much to think about right now, the more I write, the more I realise, so I guess at least this is helping (as usual)

I will leave it there, and will start to make my notes for tomorrows appointment. Maybe feeling this way right now is a good thing, as it helps me see clearly how messed up my head is actually getting about all this. Ya think?

 

Thanks for reading. Here's to things getting better. Have a great week all. 

 

 

Published on Leave a comment on Different doc, different feeling.

It is fair to say that the last time I spoke to a GP a couple of weeks ago was a relief. The pre appointment anxiety was dealt with swiftly by a doctor asking me to tell her what was going on, and listening as I spoke. Then encouraging me to share more information, before discussing with me what my options were. Well today was the follow up to that appointment, a checkpoint to see how things were going and what could and would happen next. Now feeling a little more confident about speaking to the GP about it again, I was ready with what I wanted to say. However, I was in for a rude awakening.

The call itself was a little later than planned, but that is fine, schedules slip and all that. Although I had not received the usual text reminder yesterday about this, so did at one point worry a little that I had got the date or time wrong, or something else of my own doing. None the less, the call came in.

After introducing herself, she told me that she was calling to follow up on her colleagues appointment with me a couple of weeks ago. All good so far.  I thanked her for calling, and we got into the consultation. It went a little like this.

GP: You were prescribed 25mg of meds, is that correct?
Me: Yes that's right
GP: How has that been?
Me: Errm OK really, no real difference.
GP: No 25mg is a very low dose, we use this to see how it sits with you. I will increase the dose to 50mg, is that OK?
Me: Yes, ok if that's whats needed
GP:OK I will send the prescription to the pharmacy now. In the meantime take 2 of the 25mg a day until you collect the new prescription.
Me: OK will do. 
GP: I also need your BP, so do you have a machine at home?
Me: Yes I do
GP: OK I will text you now, reply to that with the reading when you can.
Me: OK I will do that shortly
GP: OK if thats it, we will arrange an appointment in 4 weeks to follow up with you, reception will call you. 
Me: Oh, OK then, thanks.

By the end of the whistle-stop conversation it felt apparent that this was not a GP I was going to feel comfortable having dialogue with, so just kept it short and sweet to prevent myself getting frustrated or upset by it. Lower my expectations to match the perceived level of interest. Something I have learned to do over the years. There will be another appointment, so I will bide my time and save the more intimate stuff for someone I feel is interested and listening to me. I think this is one of the issues with phone consultations, not being able to see the person, so having to gauge their levels of interest and interaction by voice and tone alone. Not always easy, and definitely not always right either. 

So now there are 4 weeks until I speak to my GP again, and the decision on taking, upping or abstaining from meds sits heavy with me. In the meantime my general state of mind has improved somewhat since getting the ball rolling on speaking with HR at work, them arranging the OH appointment, and my other decision surrounding the idea of returning to an office. Having a back-up plan has really helped, and just knowing that I am OK with finding a different job if it comes to that has made me feel far better about myself. 

Right now I would say I am in a stable place. Although today's perceived lack of interest and engagement has wobbled me for a bit. Not feeling comfortable to ask the questions I had, and explore other avenues at this point is frustrating, but not life changing, so deep breath, and looking at things in perspective, and it will be OK. The time for that will come, and I am in control of the situation. Screening etc can be done without the GP involvement, but at a financial cost... But so be it. 

In the meantime, I have my other appointments coming up with others such as OH and IAPT, so still more to do before worrying about what comes next. The WFH decision is a slow one, but in the pipeline, so that also just needs a little time, to get the final outcome, from which I can then decide which direction next. Options are aplenty. 

In general, day to day well-being has taken a bit of a hit in the past week or so. Physically my back is still giving me a bit of grief, but a lot better this week thanks to Andrew Fung the Osteopath, who I am seeing again later this week. This has led to a drop off in cycling and a complete lack of returning to running for now. Frustrating to say the least, but also has a knock on effect to my mental health too. 
In that respect, my brain is telling me all sorts of weird and wonderful horror stories of what might happen if I go riding. I want to get out on the single speed, but brain says "what if, what if, what if".... So I don't!

Running wise, I have a half marathon at the end of the month, which is looking less and less likely to happen, or at least certainly won't all be running, as it has simply been so long since I ran any distance whatsoever. So trying to jump back in with a half marathon might be asking for trouble. Although... Maybe if I keep the pace down....  !! We shall see. I want to try and get a run in before the end of this week. 
So til then, here's to next week and my appointments with OH and IAPT. As for WFH, no news is good news, as it means the 30 day countdown to return to the office has not yet started. But watch me eat my words in the next day or so. That said, just because the notice is given, it doesn't actually set a date for me to return at that point. 

Here ends todays update.  Thanks as ever for reading. 

Published on Leave a comment on Lots in a little time

 

It's been a few days, and what a few days it has been! Walking, cycling, Zwifting and more.

After Tuesday things have stayed quite positive, with the occasional hiccup here and there. Biggest issues have been my back pain and crappy sleep, but more on that in a bit. Being back on the bike has been a massive help to me I think. Being able to free my mind of the dark and worrying thoughts for a while is always a positive start to a day. With a good hard real world ride yesterday, a lethargic Zwift session the day before, and plenty of walking in between, my head is a much fresher place to be.

Yesterday saw a call with my manager regarding my recent visit to the GP, and the outcome of that. The plan being to take these findings to HR, and arrange an appointment with the companies Occupational Health service, in order to better understand the impact of my situation, and to address any adaptations to the role or "workplace" to accommodate the recommendations. This is a road I have been down before with work, and one I am comfortable with. Even if the intentions of the first referral years ago were somewhat questionable, but lets not go there again!

The conversation with the manager was a very pleasant and understanding chat, which was quite welcome I have to say. While I am pretty much an open book when it comes to talking about my mental health, having a conversation with a new person about it can feel quite awkward at times. Thankfully I have known this manager a long time now, and it was just a matter of finding a common language to get the conversation started. By the end of the chat it felt like I had been understood, and we were on at least the same chapter of the book about what was needed.  A referral to OH has been made, so now I await an appointment and go from there. 

In the meantime I am due a follow up with my GP next week, but of course I need to chase this up as their appointment system at the moment doesn't show an appointment for me. No stress, just taking things one step at a time. Next week I also have a consultation with the local authority Mental Health team IAPT for an assessment for counselling and any other treatment recommendations moving forward. I remember the first time I spoke to them, and how hopeless it made me feel by the end of the conversation. So I am putting that to the back of my mind, and hoping for a better experience this time around.  What do we think they will recommend for social anxiety? A group session maybe? lol

All in all, as far as mentally anyway, things are on track. I mentioned to my manager during the chat the possibility of an assessment for ASD too, so that is all noted. Yet to see what the GP and IAPT think about this, and what the timescales would be. The next week or two is all about appointments, chats and assessments, then we take the next step, whatever that may be.

From a work perspective, it is recognised that changes may be needed depending on what OH think of it all. The biggest thing that came up again and again with my manager was the way working in the office with the "team" makes me feel, and how time away has made me realise that the office environment is probably THE biggest contributor to my struggles with anxiety on a day to day basis. Jeez just interacting on TEAMS is harder work than it should be at times! Fingers crossed the chat with OH which I believe is virtual at the moment (Covid rattles on) is good enough to put across what the actual issues are here, and not sound like a whiner.

My biggest fear at every step of the way, being seen as a work shy little whiny princess who wants it all his own way. I am sure anyone who doesn't understand anxiety (not just feeling a little anxious) will see it as a ploy to just stay working from home. To some, as it has throughout Covid, working from home is just for lazy people who don't want to work. Whereas in reality, with WFH I actually spend more time working, am more flexible with my time, and able to adapt better to changes in requirements. Only this week I was able to log on to work at 7am and get the day started much earlier than usual, which allowed me to help the team long before I was officially starting work that day. But hey, WFH is for lazy people, and isn't productive. 
Let's see eh.

Physically however the back pain has continued, which has led to poor sleep and feeling tired a lot of the day. I was not sure over the past week if that was mental or physical exhaustion, but as my mood lifted things changed a bit. However some residual lethargy remained, the product of crap sleep and dare I say poor diet too. Dealing with the back was first up, and today I visited Andrew Fung the awesome Osteopath, visiting him at clinic in Greenwich. Had a lovely little walk there with Ann from Greenwich Park, so arrived in a good frame of mind. An hour later, lots of popping and cracking from my back etc, and I am already moving a lot more freely, however will be following up with another appointment next week. It was good to get a professional take on how things were, and be assured that things are on the mend, so I look forward to my next appointment with Andrew next week. I won't pretend I am not left with discomfort at the moment, but am sure I will sleep a little better tonight, and hopefully get on the road to normal again soon.

The other side of things, the nutrition side has been bugging me for a few weeks. Just before France I stopped using the Huel I had been using for meal replacement. On the week or two running up to that time I asked the question openly if people thought the Huel could be contributing towards how I was feeling. Better sleep, more energy, resting HR dropping to an all time low for me (around 37bpm). Not convinced it was that, when I got to the end of the trial bag I had ordered, I didn't get anymore. But shortly after stopping, things took a dive. Coincidence? 
Well, we will find out soon I guess, as today two more bags of Huel arrived (with another free t-shirt). So from Monday I think I will be back on the shakes in the morning, and cleaner eating the rest of the day, and we shall see how things go from there. If things start to improve again I will be shocked and delighted, and of course a Huel customer for life!

For now, it's almost the weekend, the weather is looking great, my bikes are calling, and I can't wait to get some more miles in the sunshine in. Maybe even a ride with a friend, if I can find one! Haha

 

Have a fun and safe weekend all. 

 

 

 

Published on Leave a comment on Another day, another dilemma.

It was recently mentioned to me that it might be helpful to look into the realms of ASD with regards to my behaviours, and general mindset, not to mention the symptoms I have commonly discussed on this blog and with others. Fair to say this is not the first time it has been mentioned, and has been the topic of quite a few conversations with certain friends of late. Obviously we know I struggle with anxiety in general. But is that the condition itself, or simply a symptom of a bigger issue? That is the question for today.

Before I dive into that, I wanted to make note here that today in general has been a pretty shitty day. No particular reason, just generally started out on a low, and for a while went deeper and deeper into it.  Snappy, struggling to focus and keep my cool, and VERY irritable. Nothing particularly on my mind, but just had no tolerance for anything at all. Noises especially today have really wound me up.  I had a nice walk in the sun with Ann before work, try and get some of those endorphins flowing, then came home to relax before work. Nope, not happening, just getting wound up tighter. 

After another conversation with another couple of friends, I thought I would re-run an ASD screening test I have done before. Recalling the score, I thought it would be interesting to see where I scored now. As I went through the questions, it is incredible how many things you realise "trigger" you. Reading scenarios, then taking a moment to honestly answer the question. Not the "yeah yeah I am fine", but really being honest with myself. As I said before it is nice to pretend that you can do anything, but "coping" with something is not the same as being able to simply do something. 

Similar to being asked by the GP yesterday if I could go to the shops OK, and first saying "well yes", then realising I shop at off peak times, generally prefer smaller stores, always use self checkout to avoid interaction and so on... So, nope, I CAN go to the shops, but it is NOT easy. So today answering the questions on the assessment I thought I would allow the same thought process to take place. I learned something for sure! I am NOT OK !

By the end of the test, I scored quite highly, well into the "severe" score range, and displayed multiple strong signs of ASD. Then to the "what next" section. Well of course this was done on a private companies website, so there were places to enquire, but also some helpful pointers on who to speak to and where to find help. Like I say, this is not the first time considering ASD, so I have some ideas of what is out there. The wait for the NHS last time I checked was somewhere in the region of two years for assessment. While private clinics such as this one have much shorter waiting lists, but come with a price tag of around £2,000.

So now I am left wondering what to do next. The idea of ASD is not a simple and convenient one for me. But as I have said to others in the past, the more I have learned about it, and the more I look back over my life, the more it would make sense. Will it change anything, not really. I am not looking to "cure" my anxiety as such, not turn my life around. I like who I am, and how I live, label or not. But it would answer some questions I have asked myself, especially about my upbringing and earlier years. It would help me convey to others what I struggle to do, why, and what they can do to help me. And of course it would make me cool.... OK I am lying about that one, but there is nothing wrong with knowing what is going on inside the grey matter.

Like I say, it doesn't change anything fundamentally for me, life goes on. But it helps with the frustrations of life when you struggle being on a busy train, around strangers, or some days just want to be left alone for a bit.  Like today. Not to an extreme, but it has taken me a few hours of being at my desk working to start to feel balanced in any way. The first couple of hours, trying to do quite simple tasks of comparing data fields on documents, focusing on an issue to resolve it, or just typing in a phone number required exhausting amounts of concentration. To a point of "arrrgh I can't do this" and wanting to just call it a day. Moment like that are usually the catalyst to a much bigger and longer episode. But thankfully in the peace and quiet of an office, on my own, I was able to work my way through it, and feel much better in my mind this evening. There is hope! 

Using today as an example, this is what I was trying to touch on yesterday. An anxiety disorder, triggered by stressful situations, being in an uncomfortable environment is one thing. However today was not triggered in any way. I slept OK, and simply woke up feeling like I needed space, fresh air, and some time out. So there probably is more to it than straight forward socially triggered anxiety. And with that in mind, that is why I was so torn about starting the medication straight away, or waiting for some more questions to be answered, and more things to become apparent. If I had started the meds yesterday, one of the side effects is heightened anxiety for a while, and today would simply have been put down to that, and nothing else. 

Instead, I have had the head-space to consider opinions of others. And that is actually quite important. To have the honest and frank opinions of others, as it is so hard to see sometimes how your behaviours actually appear. From time to time I will catch myself acting differently due to how I am feeling, but most of the time it is more likely others can tell you more about your behaviours than you can yourself. So I am very grateful to have such people around me, and encourage anyone who thinks they have something of benefit to say to let me know. No offence will be taken I promise. Unless you are being a bit of a twat, in which case, expect as good as you gave. 

So now with the test results, the comments and opinions of others around me, some of whom are in a very educated position to form such opinions, when I see the doctor next I can raise the question of ASD screening, without feeling like I am clutching at straws, searching for a label, or just trying to find more and more excuses as to why I should continue to work from home.  Where it goes from there, who knows. I am sure there is a long long waiting list, and one which will not be in my favour with work related matters. However at least having had the conversation and been referred for screening, or indeed considering paying to go the private route may help in all walks of life. Time will tell. 

Thanks as always for reading a long ramble, and a special thanks to those who have taken the time to reach out, share their thoughts and opinions, and give me a little bit of hope and direction.

 

Til next time...

Published on Leave a comment on To medicate, or not to medicate….

Not my first rodeo with anti anxiety, anti depressant meds, so that is not an issue as such for me. When the time is right, needs must, and I have no issue with taking such medications to help. But is that time now?

I am getting ahead of myself here, the last thing I said was I was going to speak to the doctors. Well, that appointment has come and gone. Much to my delight the conversation was relaxed and open, and I felt I was able to express myself clearly. More importantly I felt I was listened to throughout, and the doctor understood where I was coming from. Ironically 2 hours before the appointment I received a call from the surgery informing me that the appointment would now be on the phone as the doctor was working from home! Alright for some eh. 

I discussed how I have been anxiety "free" for a long while now, and how Covid times have shown me there is a way to do my job, and be in a good place mentally too. And that even starting to process returning to an office environment has thrown me into a tailspin, and it is affecting me. I said I have always been bad in public spaces, or crowded environments, and do much better alone or in controllable spaces. From there we moved onto the more general aspect of the issue, and the social anxiety.

Her feelings on the matter were two fold. Firstly recognising that this new episode is triggered by the fear of being back in a space I can't control, and that this has until now been avoidable with no impact to my ability to do my job, or work for a living in general. And that secondly she would like to try and improve my general wellbeing in all walks of life, by getting me help for my "anxiety disorder". Her suggestions being using medication to control the anxiety, and counselling to address the social aspect of it, and help me find ways of improving my state of mind in such settings.

We also discussed moving forward with matters at work, and how I can go about addressing my anxiousness about being in an office again. Going back over how things were before Covid, and how I have over the years learned ways to "cope" with the anxiety it caused me, rather than overcome it and feel normal at the end of a working day. Touching on how mentally exhausted I get when in uncomfortable situations. Using all my mental energy to appear and function as "normal", and when the curtain falls, just crashing and being left exhausted, and totally drained. Not to mention feeling edgy and in a foul mood. Repeat that on a daily basis, and the cycle is, wake up OK, interact with partner and friends, go to work, be drained of all your will to live, come home and be an utter arsehole until you go to sleep....Repeat...

Some would say I am not that bad, or too cranky etc, but even that alone takes all my reserves to maintain. Being aware that you are behaving like a bit of an arse is really upsetting. So you are then left with two options. Hide away, or draw on your final reserve of mental strength to at least be likable. It is a really hard one to explain, everything feels so fake. Oh look, its people, slap that smile on, crack a joke or two and reply to "how are you" with a very plastic "yeah yeah good thanks". Rather than, "well to be honest dying inside right now, this is exhausting the shit out of me".

Having spent so many years with multiple personas (not split personality), switching at will to suit the audience, I have become very self aware, and know the second I am starting to be "fake" . And let me tell you, being fake has an energy burn 10x higher than just ticking along being me. To put it in physical terms, as some people only understand those, think of the difference you feel between walking at a nice sedate pace, and running flat out as fast as you can. Heart rate rises, body temp sky rockets, muscles tense, and energy rapidly drains from your body. Now imagine feeling like that, while still just walking along. It would be alarming right? Welcome to my anxiety mind!

So, here we are, post appointment. Diagnosis "Anxiety disorder", treatment, counselling and medication, prognosis hopeful but too soon to tell. I have sent off my referral to the Mental Health service providers locally, and await to hear back with any sort of waiting time, and suggestion of treatment. I have informed my work of the outcome, and await hearing if there is any intervention at this stage, and I have collected my medication from the pharmacy.

The last two are the important factors here. Work, I am sure there is no need for any intervention at this point for a number of reasons. Firstly there is no official 30 day notice period given to return to the office yet. Just the pre-notice notice, if that makes sense. In the meantime we all await to hear if there is a chance of overturning the decision to end WFH. And secondly, at this point the anxiety has not affected my work. While working from home I am still able to function OK, but can honestly say that my focus and concentration has taken a huge hit, as I have touched on before.  If and when work are to do anything, it will be a referral to the Occupational Health service, to assess my ability to carry out my job, and see if they agree with the GP. The GP has said they are more than happy to work with the OH to make sure the best and most suitable arrangements are made, to allow me to work, while managing my well-being. 

The second factor being the medication, and the point of this blog entry. So the deciding factors here are a bit of a mess, hence blogging to try and make sense of it. Bear with me here. 

My need to go down this whole road, to me at least, has been the anxiety triggered by the knowledge of the request to return to the office coming. Until that point I have felt better than I have ever been before. Sure there have been moments of avoidance and struggling with socialising away from work. That is something I have always lived with, and chosen my battles carefully. Risk vs reward so to speak. Is the end goal worth the use of all my mental energy, feeling exhausted and edgy for the next day or two? As you can imagine there are not too many scenarios which warrant that result. The GP wants to tackle this aspect too, so the medication and counselling is to help with all walks of anxious life. OK, great.

Or is it? In general, I don't like being around a lot of people, fake people, talking shit, all in the name of looking good. No thanks, I will stick with the genuine people I actually like, people who know ME and not one of my personas, and that I can actually communicate with, without becoming exhausted. There is no denying that there is social anxiety for me in both settings, but one is far more manageable than the other. Do I feel the anxiety in the calmer setting needs addressing? Maybe! It would be nice to spend more time with people I like in a wider range of settings and environments, but do I want to medicate to do that? THAT is the question here.

The other half of the question, am I happy to medicate, and have to attend counselling to learn coping mechanisms to return to an office, to do a job I have done without fault for the past two and a half years from home? Well............... errm, no, not really! I appreciate I did it from an office before, but that was before WFH was even accepted as possible for my team, and before it necessitated us being at home to do our jobs, to enable the company to keep functioning through Covid. A change I was willing to make for my employer, at very short notice. A change which proved itself to be beneficial to the company on a number of fronts, and one which showed me that my mental health was SO much better away from an office environment. All very accidental. But when you discover a better method by accident, or through circumstances, do you change back because the old normal is the only right way?

If you commute to work by car and the main road you use is closed, and a diversion is set up. If the diversion it turns out it's a quicker route. When the main road opens again, do you go back to your old route? See where I am going with this? There is a new, proven route / work method, why deviate from it for the same of going back to the "good old ways"?

So now, while I wait to hear about the official line on WFH, if any appeal has been successful, or if indeed we will get our 30 days notice to return. Do I start the medication now, to primarily treat the anxiety caused by the news. Tolerate the side effects as the levels build up in my body, and possibly trigger worse anxiety in the short term, and maybe the need to take time off work anyway. Or do I wait for the outcome, and if it us unfavourable, and the notice is given, THEN start the process of taking the medication, at which point I feel it would be more than needed, as my anxiety will blow up? Feel free to share your thoughts.

I know the idea of the meds is to help with my social anxiety too, but right now, I don't want to take meds, and feel like I have been forced into this by matters at work. Which are the primary reason I am in this situation, and had this conversation with my GP in the first place.

Phew, that was a lot to get out of my little head. Thanks for reading.