Author: Michael Snasdell

Mums condition is once again changing, and again for the worst. Yesterday a nurse from St Christophers came to see mum. She was here last week, and had a long talk with mum, ordered some more meds and got a good general idea of her condition. When she left I popped in to see mum and was puzzled when she asked "who was that woman?". It appears her memory is now slipping, and this in turn is causing her frustration and anxiety.
On talking about it she says she has no recollection of ever meeting her before, doesn't know where she was from or what she was here to do. So when she had asked her to help unblock her hearing aid there was some confusion which led to mum feeling annoyed.
Even once I explained where she was from mum was still less than happy with the experience, and still thought she was here in a caring capacity, rather than a medical one. She said all the woman was doing was referring her to different people for different things, which is what they are meant to do.
There have been a couple of other occasions very recently where there has been confusion about who she is speaking to, but now this has happened I can keep my eyes open for it more.

The other evening I met her in the hallway, coming from her room, she spoke to me briefly then went out the back for a cigarette, only to come in moments later saying that's not what she came out for, and went to the loo instead. Subtle forgetfulness or confusion, this is what I have to start identifying the differences between.

Another thing I have noticed recently is another form of confusion I guess. The other day she asked for her bank statement so she could go through her finances. So yesterday I got it and took it to her. I handed it to her and retreated to the door. I then watched on as she turned it over a few times, and her eyes scanned it in an almost uncontrolled manner, flitting about from top to bottom, side to side and back again. Not wearing her glasses either. So I'm not sure if she could even read it, let alone take it all in. She then looked up, noticed I was there and handed it back thanking me.

All these little things added up are naturally cause for concern and something I am going to need to discuss with the doctor asap. The last thing I want is to not get things sorted if her memory and thought process are starting to slip. Also extra care is called for, to keep an eye to see she is not putting herself in danger. So much to consider and think about, but not a clue how to think about the practical aspects. I shall get in touch with St Christophers again asap too.

The part that confuses me is the selectiveness of the memory. The carer is here today, and she remembers her fine, but someone she has met before on numerous occasions but only weekly she has forgotten. Yesterday I asked her about something that had just happened with the carer, and she recalled something from the day before as if it were moments ago. I know the whole memory doesn't just go overnight, but the bits that are going like this have probably gone un noticed until now because of the way its happening.

But I'm SURE its going now. The next question is, is it dementia or the cancer causing this. I'm no doctor, so I won't be guessing on this one at all. I just want it addressed as soon as possible so we know what to expect, and how to deal with what's coming.

With all this in mind I feel amazingly relaxed about things. Maybe its because things are cooling off a bit for me right now. It could be the medication is still in my blood, or just that I know I have a long period of respite coming up and am looking forwards to it. Will be nice to once again travel away from London and relax for a bit. I say relax, but staying at Cadell's and having Archie the ankle biter about is never dull lol. But I look forwards to the change of scenery and the change of company very much.

Hoping to see a few people as usual, maybe off to see aunt and explain what's going on with mum etc. Let's see what happens. But like I say, main thing is we know mum needs to see the doctor soon, and what to tell him too.

Right, I better get on, almost time to walk the hounds and soak up some spring weather while its good. Have a good day all 🙂

Regards

Michael

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In times of need, trouble and strife, its always nice to know there are people you can turn to for support of all kinds. On this occasion, its everyones favourite.. MONEY! Bastard stuff, truly the root of all things evil, but a necessity of life I guess.

Due to some changes like the cash card fiasco and the unexpected drop in wages from work, (I wasn't expecting the pay to drop til next month, doh) I have been left in a spot of bother to say the least. A few bills left to come out this month, and nothing to pay them with. So friends to the rescue.

Its always embarrassing to ask to borrow money, but at times it has to be done to fix a problem, and on this occasion it was needed as a quick fix. Not a proud moment, but one I would happily return the favour on to most friends.

A random act of kindness, paying it forwards, call it what you may, but times like this inspire you to help someone else out. And that's exactly what I have done. Albeit not quite in the same way. Seeing a car parked on my street earlier I noticed the hazards were flashing, but didn't know where the owner lived. On walking the dogs, as I returned home I noticed 2 people now sitting in it, and heard it turn over slowly... Flat battery.

So I ran in, grabbed my car keys and went to check I could find my battery point, then went to offer a jump start.

The offer was accepted, and I have now got two new neighbours that I have met, and made friends with, and their car works again.

Helping people out is empowering at times to say the least, and while receiving help may be humbling, it is also a reminder how kind people around you can be in times of need. Now if only more people could take the time to do one good deed a day.

To the people who have humbled me today, and over recent times with their kindness, I thank you sincerely.

Regards

Michael

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Recent days might have quite clearly shown some fogging over of the senses and some distancing from what's going on around me. Today however started with a bit of a literal wake up call. On this sharp and brief wake-up I have noticed something alarming, and am starting to realise its been going on for a while now.

Getting up in the mornings is a bit of a chore some days, we all get it, but being able to sleep in til gone 10am is almost unheard of for me in recent years. "Catching up" on sleep etc is just an excuse and not really real. so my night time sleep has been broken from time to time, but not enough to make me feel so lethargic during the day.

But its not as clear cut as that, oh no. Once I am up and doing something, walking to dogs, meeting people etc I'm right as rain, alert, awake and full of conversation. But once there is a period of down time, that's exactly what I do, shut down. Any time of day, be it midday, or late afternoon, my current strong desire is to just go to bed and go to sleep.

I don't feel ill, or drained, in fact nothing like that at all. I probably physically feel better than I have for a long time. But something in my head just says "tired-sleep" and if I can I do exactly that. Which when I'm back with it just feels like an utter waste of time, lazy and then the worry (like now) starts. What is going on in my head? Am I now starting the downwards journey of depression here, or is there just something lacking. Stimulation, direction, oh I don't know.

I hate the confusion of not knowing what's going on in my head, just writing this all is waking me up and stirring interest in my mind, I'm starting to feel alive and revived again. I'm guessing a trip to see the doctor about this is called for, and maybe some drastic changes to my environment. I had planned to get away again soon, as its been some time since I have, but with all this in mind, that plan needs re addressing and I need to work out what is best for me here and how to achieve that. Confusing eh!

Right, I woke up because I have things to attend to, but wanted to jot this all down so I can read back in a bit and once stimulated, hopefully make more sense of it all. Maybe start conversations with others about it too and start working it out.

Early days on this trip, let's hope its a short uncomplicated one!

Regards

Michael

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You know every now and then you need something that reminds you why, defines your role, and just shakes things up a bit? Well I guess I just had one myself.
Recently I have kind of lost reasoning and my sense of duty here with mum, with the arguments and confusion over finances etc. Taking a back seat from my responsibilities, and putting distance between me and my mum.

Well just now, at about 6.30am I got a reminder of all of the above. I'm asleep at that time usually, but have not slept too well over recent days. This morning the dogs were being quite active, and as I begun to stir I could hear my name being called. Looking out of he bedroom window I saw mum sitting on the doorstep in the back garden... Never a good thing.
I got to the door quickly, carefully opened it, and there she was sitting there. Not distressed as such, but stuck. She had tried to squat to pick something up and just carried on going til she made it to the ground, thankfully unhurt. I helped her up, checked she was ok,and made sure she had not falled and was not hurt.
She explained what had happened, seemed relaxed about it, so I left it there.

That's why I bought her the new walker with the seat on it, so she could safely sit her bum down for such moments, and still be able to get up again. It also serves as a stark reminder why she has a Linkline panic button too.

There is a balance to be struck here, and that it between caring and worrying. I have a sense of responsibility towards her, but that's always been there really. However that responsibility has to end somewhere. As I walked back to my room I could just hear a voice in my head saying "that's why you can't leave her alone", but I have to disagree. Yes I care, and I should, and DO do anything I can to avoid her being distressed, however at the same time I realise that I can't be here for everything, and need to share that load with others.

I would not say it has shaken me up, let alone even woken me up, hence the poorly put together entry we have here, but it has reminded me of why I worry so much, how I ended up in the state I am in, and most of all puts in black and white WHY I have been off work for so long. For moments just like this. It also reminds me of why I have always tried to plan the visits from other people out so carefully. Avoiding overlaps and crossovers of visitors at the house etc. While she has a bit of mobility and can still potter about, she can at any time get into a situation like this one. Armed with a panic button, and a mobile phone help is never far away IF she were to use them. On the other hand, with regular visits to the house, she would also not be left in such a situation for too long if one re-occured.

It also brings into question why I don't want to over medicate for my situation, I guess broken and light sleep has its advantages eh?

So again its time to see what can be done to make the situation safer for her in that environment, what changes can be made to make things easier out there. But also a time for me to NOT over react, not dwell on it, and realise if I had not woken, or not been here, that there would have been an alternative form of help, and the situation would not have spiralled out of control.

I guess this is the icing on the making up cake for me and mum, a renewed sense of purpose, and a reminder to her that while words like trust and abandoned are batted around, once again I was there when it counted. OR of course it could all just get thrown in my face with a simple "now imagine if that had happened while you were off on one of your trips" comment, which is always possible here.

Right, I'm gonna rest and smile, but there you go, Michael ACTUALLY did something helpful and was appreciated. Woohoo.

Regards

Michael

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Thank you Amber for making me feel like a superstar today at lunch. Its the first time I have walked into a restaurant with someone and them be greeted so warmly, let alone them know someone has been out of the country and have a regular table haha. Awesome is what it was. The food was pretty good to I have to say, and as ever the company was splendid. I should add, thanks for picking up the tab at the end too. Shameful I know.

Like most trips out with Amber I was again out of my comfort zone, eating foods I would otherwise not dare touch, and today.... I used chopsticks! Go me! Lol.

Was nice to get away from it all for a bit, and have such a down to earth chat without the other person dropping off. What is it with BBM bringing me all these people, usually women, to bring sanity and relief from the stresses of life. Samantha, Cadell, and Amber, get me, how lucky am I eh.

So I just thought I would blog this while I stand on a scary almost rush hour train heading home back to reality. *sigh

But I have a smile on my face, which I'm sure will only grow as next week approaches.

Here's to BBM and friends 🙂

Regards

Michael

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Well, after listening back to the conversation I had with mum last night (I recorded it) and deciding I was polite, factual and didn't try and influence her decision, at least I am happier about one aspect of my life. For now at least. Her decision is as long as she has money in the house in case she needs my sister to get something for her she is happy for me to hold the card. But I will be leaving it in the house from now on anyway.
Her other requests of going through the bank statements with her, shopping at Sainsburys, and explaining all her meds to her I can handle too. I'm still surprised that none of this was ever mentioned before. All easy to deal with really.

The meds side of things is a bit of a worry, as I don't prescribe the drugs, I only organise them in the pill box, so maybe the GP or nurse are better qualified to explain their purposes to her. All drugs having a number of uses, so better she knows the right reason from them, rather than a Wikipedia explanation. The volume she takes, I can understand the concern, but it also highlights issues with her memory that are starting to show.

Yesterday she asked what one pill in particular was, I explained its use, but was a little shocked that it was only prescribed and explained to her a day or two ago. Maybe she just didn't listen properly, or maybe she forgot. But the next one is more worrying. After my sister called back a nurse yesterday to arrange an appointment, she informed mum that the nurse would be coming around on Friday. By the time I got home, mum was convinced that the appointment was for today! I have said a few times now that Paula said it is Friday, but she is adamant that its today. So that's a bit of a worry that her mind is working that way. Hence me deciding to start recording important conversations.

The next worry is rationalisation of situations. It really needs an outside influence to decide if this is affected in any way. I'm no expert, and also somewhat biased about matters, so would be wrong for me to judge. So calling it into question for another to make a judgement is the best I can do. Again hospice staff to the rescue I think. Her conversation jumps from one subject to another. Maybe trying to change the subject, or maybe just unable to keep the thought train steady. I really don't want anything going wrong with that area, but something just screams 'prepare' right now.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out and helped in these matters recently, it is deeply appreciated and humbling. Its nice to know this blog reaches caring people, and to know there is a safety net beneath 🙂

So today I start with a different approach to things, more hands on, more communication, and start to explain some things to her. Let's see how that all goes.
In the meantime I am waiting on a call from work for a pre 12 meeting near work to discuss the on going absence. But its getting a bit late now, and will be short notice soon, so I hope that happens soon. I am also still planning a break from here. I know I usually get away at weekends but have not done that this week. However I feel this time a few more days might do some good, so that's the plan. Derby and surrounding areas here I come. Places to stay for the night required if you are reading and have one lol. Just got to sort out kennel fees for the dogs. Its unfair to expect others to take care of them for so long. Donations welcomed lol.

Right I better get ready in case work call, and get on with my other duties too.
Thanks for reading, and here's for a positive day.

Regards

Michael

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After a long deep breath, and contemplation with a good friend today, whilst supping coffee and talking about life, a few things became clearer.

Situation that I find myself in seem less confusing, reasoning for things more apparent, and a little sense of direction returns. Its amazing how the ear of another person can make things seem a little more straight forwards. And a few (many on this occasion) words of advice can go a LONG way.

When I got home this evening I spoke to mum about the situation, in order to try and understand where all this came from. By all accounts a few little things have caused a massive over reaction to things, and for some reason it all blew out of proportion. Naturally its still my fault, of course. But at least I understand the situation a little better, and now know what she actually wanted all along.

Her choosing silence over discussion was probably not the best idea, especially when she chose to tell me "its good to clear the air". Ironic or what! So there are some things to attend to tomorrow in order to get things back on track.

She suggested getting the cash card back, to which I said I'm not bothered either way, as long as its decided like adults and not all cloak and dagger with me left in the dark about everything. Her other requests were, explain what her meds are, that's something the nurse is better to do, not me. Have her bank statements, which is fine, they are all filed, and now she tells me she doesn't like Tesco ready meals and wants it from Sainsburys instead... So why not say that sooner, doh!

So, slightly happier right now, but still need a proper break from it all to get to grips with myself.

Regards

Michael

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That's what it feels like has just been driven between me, and my mum. Almost feels like my sister is on the side mum is on too. Meanwhile I'm just left confused about what the hell just happened here.
So a couple of days ago mum quite aggressively asked for her cash card back so she could give it to my sister for her to do some shopping. On questioning why she didn't just ask me to get shopping as usual, she shot me down by saying that she was sick and tired of having to ask me to get her money out for when my sister bought her things. OK so that's that, there you go, cash card returned.

So then yesterday I got thinking, what are we doing about rent and bills etc, so I text my sister to ask her what was going to happen. I guess somewhere along the line I thought that giving me the card back for the bulk of the stuff and just giving her cash for shopping would have been easier. Once again I was wrong. I thought my sister would see the easier side of things, and realise it would be easier to do things as I suggested, but instead I got a reply saying in short, I wish I could do something to help, but it is what it is. In other words, I have control of the finances and will deal with it from now on. Suggesting I work out what is needed and she will pay me monthly. Great!
So it goes from being a fluid situation with me shopping when required, paying bills and balancing the accounts throughout the month, to a strict regimented routine where I now have to request payments of sometimes hundreds of pounds at a time and re-think the whole monthly financial situation! And this is all because mum felt bad having to ask me to get her twenty quid out of the bank here and there? Seriously!

Amongst all this, I'm not meant to take this personally, feel like I'm being pushed away, and just go on as if nothing has changed? Trust has been questioned in my eyes, and now I am honestly feeling like I'm having the piss taken out of me. Why the hell should I lay awake at night worrying about mums health, run around tidying up, keeping things safe and sterile for her, be there to let carers in, and do all the other stuff I do, if the fundamental basis of the whole relationship has not only just been questioned by her, but in fact been torn to shreds and then thrown in my face by her and my sister.

I just let the district nurse in, and wondered why I was doing it. If it were not for the dogs right now I would be so far away now its unreal. Angry, enraged, frustrated, confused, and hurt by how and why this has all happened like this.

When I was trying to talk to mum about it just now, she gave her reason of not wanting to ask for cash, and added that it was "one less thing for me to worry about". OK losing control of the purse strings for the household is LESS worry? Wtf! Hoping this was just temporary, I asked her if she wanted Paula taking care of all this now, to which she said yes. I then asked why this had come about and not been discussed prior to all the change, she didn't answer.
So I went on to say well I need to work out what's happening with bills etc each month. It seems little thought has gone into this, and like my sister she suggested I work it all out.

How the hell did something so simple go so out of control?

So now I'm left wondering, but actually too weak and afraid to ask, what my position here is now. Am I expected to keep getting up early, letting carers in, calling doctors, cleaning up after things, doing chores, taking her to appointments, collecting and sorting out her medication etc, or is my sister taking all this over too? Part of the benefits mum receives cover the costs of some of these things I do for mum, but again that is all now out of my control.

So here I am, trapped. Off work with anxiety and stress, struggling to function day to day, and have now just been punched in the stomach with this. Suddenly feeling un appreciated and taken for granted. Expectations that I will carry out the duties I do, while apparently not being trusted with the simple things and the day to day stuff like money.
If I'm not needed, then I would rather not be here at all right now, but at the same time I can't just leave the dogs. And putting them into kennels is going to be expensive.
My plan is to somehow afford the kennels for 5-7 days, then get the hell away from all of this for a while. A rest for me, some space to think, and if I'm honest some time for it to all sink into my mum and sisters head how day to day life really works. Of course the outcome will be me being the bad guy, abandoning his sick mother, not caring about her in her time of need. But right now, if I don't I am gonna end up locked away somewhere.

I used the word 'breakdown' for the first time yesterday, and that was not lightly or for effect. The way my mind was spinning, the confusion going on inside was and still is becoming over whelming for me right now. Options are limited, see the doctor and end up on more meds, carry on and end up falling apart, or trying to take time out for myself and try and cool things down a bit. Accept the new system, adapt to it and keep smiling while working through it.
Reality is, the last option is the only one that makes sense. But the time away is key to it all working. On return a new system can start to work, and I will work out what is required of me.

Ultimately this is still my mother, I realise this, so of course no matter how much confusion and frustration surges through me, I have a moral obligation here. But at the same time, I'm not willing to drive myself into the ground over this. Flexibility, common sense and some respect is also called for here. Is my sister ready to take on the full load, can she cope with the next round of appointments at the hospitals coming up, spend enough time at the house to make sure mum is well, morning, afternoon and evening?

I'm going nowhere with this now, and just repeating myself I guess, but I can't get out of this spiralling downwards feeling. Most things bother me for a bit, then I think, then I blog, then it cools off. But this is lingering now, it won't budge. Every time I try and talk it out I just hear something else that sucker punches me again, and the whole cycle starts over.

Time for a break now. Now just to find £100 or so to get the dogs in kennels. And I'm outta here!! Unless someone wants to dog sit them for a few days lol.

For the first time in ages there is no sigh or deep breath of relief at the end of this entry. Instead its still bobbing around in my head, who do I talk to, do I play hardball, do I confront my mum or sister? Who knows the answer, but you can be sure the outcome will appear here as an entry.

Thanks for reading.

Regards

Michael

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Its comes in a number of forms, but without a doubt the easiest form to source is of course FOOD! Bad, evil, unhealthy food! However for all its down sides, it manages to make things so much better.... At the time at least. But its usually as the last bite goes in, and makes its way into your body, the sickness and realisation of what you have done hits home.

Recently with a break in my routine and feeling a little crappy, I have noticed the junk creeping back in. The annoying thing is, I know what I'm doing, its not subconscious thought at all, its all planned out in my mind. Late night binges, take away cravings etc. Ok so its not as bad as I'm making it sound, but its the beginning of the road to self destruction again, and one I don't want to take.

Sitting here after finishing a nice healthy breakfast, and actually hearing my mind starting the thought and planning process, I am putting my foot down and stopping it right here. Picking up a chocolate bar or some tic-tacs on the way to a meeting or while doing something, fine. But keeping stuff at home just to binge on when I'm 'bored' or want a distraction, that's just not on.

I doubt I have done any harm to myself over the past week. Maybe gained a pound (that's 454g Amber lol), but nothing serious. The good news is that I am taking control of it again, and not letting this continue. Having been ill for a good few days now, I think the added carbs and sugars have just maintained what I was otherwise going to lose, so not all bad.

What I need is to find an alternative comfort. Its not like there aren't any. I have my fluffy dogs, good friends to distract me, and other options too. Its just about not expecting to be able to have what you want, when you want 24-7, and accepting that others have their own lives, and their own things to do too. So a little patience goes a long way. The other option is apply so much pressure that they give up on you and walk! And that's never a good thing.

When I take a step back and look at yesterday I realise how panicked and attention seeking I became over what was probably just a petty situation. Sure I was pissed off and upset, but it wasn't life and death, nothing was going to go catastrophically wrong, and talking about it in person to someone right at that second was unlikely to change the feeling of frustration I had.

Instead some time out, a distraction from thinking about it and just letting it go for a bit was the better solution. My my what an emotional wreck I have turned into these days. Taking so much to heart so quickly. The bigger issue is how I spill this all over other people. Putting pressure on them to be there for me, or to feel obligated to do something or accommodate poor poor me. Without taking into consideration what is going on in their lives. Funny that, I spend more of my life worrying about others, but at moments like this I just become a selfish attention seeking twat who throws his toys from the pram because the world can't stop turning for ME! (Cheers for that line Sam)

So if you put up with my tantrum last night, or I was moaning at you in a way that made you feel guilty in any way, I'm sorry. I am aware it was unfair, childish and stretching our friendship.
But most of all..... Thank you for being there last night, and thank you for still being there today 🙂 x

So on the grand scheme of things, maybe comfort in the food is the easier way out, especially for someone like me who as good as sticks pins in people in order to get a reaction. Or maybe the answer is to learn to deal with situation better in the first place? I think that might be something to look into.
I have made an appointment to see my counsellor this afternoon, to try and get to grips with the past few weeks, and make sense of whats going on in my mind. At this point I don't want to consider upping my meds again, as 90% of the time I'm fine as I am.

Hopefully a steam blowing session with my counsellor will help no end. Someone neutral to it all. Thinking back though, I have seen a lot of people and spoken with them recently, I had almost forgotten how many people I have seen in just the last week alone. Thank you to all of you 🙂 . I am also hoping that speaking to the counsellor will try and make me see the whole money thing in a different light too. And maybe I will even speak to my sister about the situation and try and get to the bottom of why it arose in the first place.

Right, another kind of therapy is called for right now, walking. Time to get the dogs ready for their morning adventure out, and try and get them both walked while fitting in with the rest of the daily schedule. Where there is a will there is a way, right?

Onwards and upwards from here, for a while at least eh.

Regards

Michael

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Peace finally found this evening with the help of one Amber Fox, and the surroundings of London Town itself.

A good refreshing walk around for a couple of hours, a friendly chat, and take in some sights in the peace of late night in town.

As per the pictures, it was a lovely evening.

Thank you to Ms Fox for her company and humour. Super to see you, and look forwards to our Chinese, see you soon my dear.

Regards

Michael

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