WaffleDog

Lethargic, unfocused and headaches.

July 25, 2022 waffledog Uncategorized 0 Comments

It has been a few days, and as the mood continues to dip, so do the energy levels. Earlier in the week I put the lethargy down to the high temperatures, but as the weather has returned to normal, and my sleep periods extended, the tiredness has really taken a hold. Lack of interest in getting up in the mornings, seemingly slipping towards the “just another half hour” of the days of depression. And even once up, unless I am fully engaged doing something, I quickly feel ready to sleep.

Another thing I have noticed is a long background headache. The past couple of days now, its just there nagging away, threatening to get worse. It’s not dehydration, caffeine deficiency or anything like that. As usual my fluid levels are sky high, and my caffeine intake has not differed. It is more like a stress/ tension headache, which just doesn’t want to give up. 

Speaking of tension, the lower back muscle tightness and pain still doesn’t seem to want to ease up in any way, and it spreading into my shoulder and neck. Just feels like I am turning into a big ball of stress right now. Which in some respects is hardly surprising. The discomfort, combined with the tiredness I have been feeling are starting to leave me less and less able to focus on tasks. Instead becoming distracted by either symptoms, or starting to put things together in my head, and worry myself into a deeper state of stress and anxiety. 

I have the doctors in a couple of days time, and already that is starting to worry me too. Going over the consultation in my head over and over. What do I say, how do I explain why I think I am feeling this way. Will I sound bone idle and like I am trying to pull a fast one. What is deemed a “disability”? Dare I even utter those words? It just seems such a crass thing to say, when others around me suffer much more in different ways all the time. 

In reality, I am hoping I will see a decent doctor, who I will feel comfortable explaining my symptoms and situation to. Hopefully I will be able to discuss the past 15 or so years, and how I have slowly learned what I can and can’t do. Periods on medication, total periods of depression and anxiety on record. And somehow get across how different the past two years have really been for me, until now anyway. 

In the meantime I am trying to keep up with my exercise, and stay active, to at least get a mental boost that way. But I can’t deny being distracted while I exercise now. Morning runs and rides are thwarted with thoughts of “I might not be able to do this soon”, which really kills the mood I have to say. Not to mention the back pain too, which kinda makes riding and running that bit more difficult. A 40 odd mile ride yesterday wasn’t too bad, and thankfully I managed to lose myself for a bit. But by the end I was truly exhausted. A run this morning, first in a while was uncomfortable to say the least, pressure around the hips and pelvis from the muscle tension made it a bit miserable. 

One thing the ride yesterday helped me with though was reminding myself of the difference between mental and physical exhaustion. Are highlighting that what I am feeling at the moment, during a working day is mental exhaustion. My brain absolutely running at full speed, some on day to day work stuff, and the rest seems to be preoccupied and bunged up with worry and overthinking about what is going on, and what lays ahead. 

Boy oh boy, I am getting tired just thinking about it all to write this, so I am gonna go and write myself a list to take to the doctors with me on Wed. Part of me is hoping they don’t suggest meds right now, but the other part realises that at times like this, I am not great at judging my own state of well-being, and have turned to a doctor for a reason. I think I would like to stay off meds at least until any discussion between my line manager, HR, and the seniors has taken place, but who am I to judge. 

Right now I am 99.9% positive it is the news of the return to the office that is the cause of this. Over 15-20 years of mental health issues, there have only been a handful of times I feel I can put my finger on the trigger. It always amused me before when I was asked by doctors, and I had no answer. On this occasion, I am pretty darn sure of it. Now I just have to wait and see what everyones opinions of my thoughts are, and how it is treated.


*sigh* Right, back to the real world. Thanks for reading. 

How it all begins.

July 22, 2022 waffledog Uncategorized 0 Comments

As I start to feel the slipping feeling of my mental state, I thought it would be interesting for me to document, for myself, the things I start to notice as time goes by. It starts out simple and slowly becomes more and more unsettling, until doing the most basic of things starts to become impossible. 

Loss of focus. This one hits hard especially for working. Dealing with numbers and sequences of characters all day, the ability to read and recall is quite important to me. For example, looking at a phone number on a screen, while dialing it on the phone. Sometimes it’s two quick sequences of numbers, but as focus slips, it becomes a collection of two digit numbers, so rather than 12345-67890 it becomes 12-34-56-78-90.. When trying to work quickly, that soon becomes very frustrating, and you get behind on things quickly. 

Which brings me onto frustration and franticness (is that even a word). Generally as you start to do something you make little errors along the way, we correct loads of them all the time, without so much as batting an eyelid. But as you start to make more little mistakes, and are more and more aware of them, it soon turns into a frantic spiral of doom. “I can’t do this” becomes the mantra, and you begin to give up and doubt yourself.

 Being manic comes next, with self doubt, fear of messing up big time, and the desire to just get the hell outta there. It would be simple to just remove yourself from the situation all together, rather than mess up and make yourself look like an idiot, not to mention let everyone down. Some of these situations are so hard to explain to someone who has never felt that way. And I should point out that just because the person is feeling like they are failing, they could in fact be acing it, but are just unable to see that for themselves. 

Focus is one I notice almost straight away. Did I mention that.. Oh yes, I did. But here is a different example. Let’s call it attentiveness. Trying to be in the moment, spend time with people, listen and be attentive, engage in conversation. It’s not that you are distracted by something else. Not even caught in your own thoughts for once, you just simply become vacant. It is not for the lack of want to engage, just simply being unable to. It works both ways too. Being mid sentence and simply losing your place. Which reminds me of something else. 

Confusion. Simply trying to make yourself understood, trying to find the right word for a situation, or being able to express yourself properly. Over the past few days I have given up mid sentence while trying to think of the word I wanted. Confusion plus frustration leads to just wanting to run away. 

There is so much more to add to this, and I will try a second part tomorrow, but it’s late now and I NEED sleep. Hopefully my back will be less painful tomorrow morning and I can get out on the bike for a few hours to clear my head a bit. Phew, feels good to have gotten that off my chest. 

 

Night! 

I have news, and had a meltdown.

July 21, 2022 waffledog Uncategorized 0 Comments

And just like that, WFH was over!

OK, slightly exaggerating there maybe. However, the outcome of the meeting I blogged about the other day did indeed say that our workgroup is “not in the scope for WFH”, and therefore must return to the office full time after a 30 day notice period.

To say my reaction to this news was bad would be a serious understatement to say the least. Sleep has gone out the window, constantly dwelling and over-thinking the decision. Mind filled with worry and genuine fear of the idea of returning to working from an office, and anxiety off the chart. To such an extent in fact, I have made a doctors appointment for next week to discuss it.

So much on my mind right now, I don’t even know where to start, but will try at the beginning, to try and get some of this out of my head.

When you suffer with severe anxiety, it is not so much about curing, but learning to cope. Over the years I have removed myself from situations which cause me anxiety, becoming quite anti-social which is fine by me, avoiding unnecessary contact with people. Obviously avoiding work, unless having a serious bout of anxiety was never an option. So each time I recovered, I would make an effort, and learn ways to cope with the office environment. However, Covid changed everything.

With Covid, and the introduction of working from home, my life changed, for the better. Now I have to say, a lot of people saw the benefits such as being home for deliveries or work on the house. Childcare became easier for some, and many others saw a huge improvement in their work/home balance. No commute meaning time and money saved, and so on. But for me there was one other thing, a huge reduction in anxiety, and a massive improvement on my mental health. Seriously, you could measure it on so many metrics!

Better sleep, more relaxed mood, more engaging with others, healthier state of mind, almost no anxiety about issues at all. I have become fitter both mentally and physically. I have a better relationship because of it. I am able to deal with lifes little worries in my stride now, rather than falling apart about how I am going to pay a bill for example. I am a better me! And its all thanks to working from home. Plain and simple.

So to suddenly be told that it is coming to an end has thrown me into a tail spin. Was it ever said it was permanent, well no. But as time passed and there was talk about the new way of working, caring about peoples life balances, learning from having WFH, etc, it started to feel like it for sure. Of course, that is just an assumption, and a big one at that, so shame on me for hoping. But as groups started to find out their fates moving forward, people in groups which function similarly to ours were told they were at least working hybrid, so the assumption continued. Then BANG!

Knowing what lays ahead at least removes the uncertainty. But it also in turn replaces it with dread, fear and so much more. My mind is manic right now, concentration on simple tasks is impossible, to the point for example, cutting chicken for lunch earlier, I had to put the knife down, step away and take some breathes, to stop myself from frantically rushing, and possibly hurting myself. It sucks, and I hate feeling myself drop into this mindset. One which is all too familiar, and I know where it goes from here. The only way is down. 

Desperate to get a grip on things before it gets out of control and messy, I contacted my GP surgery today, to try and get an appointment. Of course they were all gone, but after a minute of speaking to reception, it was obviously clear to her that I was in a bad way, and she managed to get me in to see a doctor next week. This is really a situation I hoped I was over with now. Quite a while without seeing a GP about anxiety. In recent years my coping mechanisms were enabling me to work without too much drama. But WFH showed me just how much of a compromise I was making to do that. A level of compromise I cannot even imagine returning to. So much so, I am almost positive it will lead to an episode for me. 

The idea of speaking to the GP now, with the possibility of going back onto medication I have managed to stay off for a number of years now, just to be able to function normally enough to go back to working in my office. All while I have continued to be able to do my job for the last two and a half years, without issue, and in fact with increased productivity, just seems barbaric! If someone said to you “sure, just take this medication, and the job is yours”…. Would you?

I know I am asking a lot, I know in a lot of cases people are asking to remain working from home for much more “trivial” reasons. I use that phrase with caution, as I appreciate we are all different, and our reasons are personal to us. Mine just happens to be a well documented mental health issue. Working from home has highlighted to me how much the “toxic” environment of an office was affecting me, even when I thought I was doing well. Only to discover how much better off I was mentally away from that environment. 

I have spent a few days now thinking things over, and trying to work out where my good place is mentally, and have come to the following conclusions.

  • I feel happier and safer working in an isolated environment. Be that a small office, or working in my home office. Preferably the latter. 
  • I am not adverse to being in larger groups to attend meetings, or training.
  • It is not about any person or individual, I simply don’t do well around other people. 

This is not about being work shy, trying to have my cake and eat it, or any other head shaking, finger wagging reasons some might like to think up. This is about me being able to do a job I have done for over two decades now, one I enjoy very much. But without having to take medication to do it, and have a “normal” life. 

Without having ever known what it felt like to work from home, the idea of asking to be allowed to, and expecting mountains to be moved to facilitate me would have seemed like a bit of a stretch. But then along came Covid, forced the hand, and made changes no one could have anticipated. For some departments like the one I am in, on the surface it seems to have been a success. Sickness way down, productivity up, engagement up, communication up, and so on. So to upset the apple cart as a whole seems a bit counter intuitive. But on an individual basis, for me, is a cataclysmic blow to my life balance. 

By this point, some are starting to think I am being a bit over dramatic I am sure, and others noticing the repetition in the paragraphs, but it is with reason. Those thinking its dramatic simply do not understand the implications on day to day life living with severe anxiety has. And the repetition, well that is just to get my message across. I cannot even start to comprehend working back in the office with a group of people, without having a complete meltdown, and taking a huge dose of medication to numb my mind a bit.

What a great balance, taking medication, dulling my thought process, but being able to work, before coming home completely mentally drained from work, then starting all over again after a crap nights sleep.  

I have to say of course, that this is a fluid situation, and at this point I have NOT been given 30 days notice to return to the office. If this is to happen, it is estimated we will return for some time in September. In the meantime I have my GP appointment, have begun some online counselling with AXA provided by work, and have spoken to my manager and HR about my concerns. Which are in turn being addressed. 

With the disability act in mind, I have asked for some consideration to be given to my situation, and have been advised I will need to see Occupational Health for an assessment. I will also raise this with my GP. All I can do now is hope that my appeal is considered fairly, and that I can continue in my role, and without medication for the foreseeable future. 

Right, am back to find a cold damp rock to hide under until I hear more. In the meantime, thanks for reading this ramble. 

The day has finally come.!!!

July 19, 2022 waffledog Uncategorized 3 Comments

It’s been over 2 years in the making, a long time sitting in the back of my mind, but the day is upon me.. Today I have a meeting regarding returning to the office. The company has been great up to this point. But apparently after a long process, the groups who will remain working from home, those who will have hybrid arrangements, and those who must now start planning to return to an office. 

Sadly, for some reason, as of yet unknown to me, it has been decided that my workgroup is NOT compatible with a WFH or hybrid arrangement, and we must therefore return to the office. To say this has wobbled me would be an understatement. 

On hearing the news, I can honestly say my mental and physical health has taken a massive hit. Sleep has gone out of the window, stress through the roof and my anxiety is at a level I can’t remember having for a long time now. All because for some reason, after almost 2 and a half years, suddenly its not possible for us to do our jobs from anywhere else but a shared office space. 

So confused right now, as the group has worked better in that time than ever before. Sickness is almost non existent, and productivity and flexibility is much higher than it has ever been. Yet somehow this is NOT good enough. 

I have a meeting in a few hours time, where I will get to raise my concerns about this decision. So to try and keep my brain under control til then, as well as writing this entry, I have written a huge list of issues I have with the decisions, and questions I would like answering before agreeing to anything. 

Ultimately it is the companys decision, and if I want to remain working there, unless a compromise can be found, I don’t really have a choice. But that’s the problem, I kinda do have one choice, and that is to resign. 

The question that poses though is, if I resign because my employer has been unable to negotiate and compromise with me, to a point where I can still work without it causing me excessive stress and anxiety, and triggering an MH episode, then is that “legal”? Given the past 30 months have demonstrated that I can do my job effectively from a separate office environment, and that nothing has significantly changed to require anything different from me, I struggle to see the “fairness” in this. 

I know some reading will say I’m being precious, that I managed before, Covid, and am just being unreasonable. But then I would argue that you have never made a change for the better in your life, and subsequently realised how bad things were before you changed them. Just because you can and have done something one way for a long time, doesn’t make it the right way, the best way etc. It just means that you have not explored other ways. 

So now I get ready for the meeting, try and get my point across, and then start the ball rolling for other options. As much as I know the rest of my team would also remain working from home, this meeting and subsequent moves are very personal, and I shall be making MY case, and no one else’s. 

Watch this space, and keep your fingers crossed for me eh. 

Things that keep me sane. Pt1, The Mobile Phone!

April 11, 2022 waffledog Uncategorized 0 Comments

Since the start of Covid back in 2020, when the world turned on its head, and gave us all a blank sheet to work from, I have been trying new things, and seeing what works best for me.  As some will know, WFH has been a game changer for me, and really gave me the opportunity for a fresh start on so many fronts. I have done a lot of thinking about these changes, and also taken some time to give some appreciation for the things that really have kept me going, not only through Covid, but over time with my life in general.

Having time to reflect on the important things in life has been a bit of an eye opener for me. While I like lots of nice shiny things, there are a handful of basics I really can’t do without. So with that in mind I thought I would write a few entries about them, and take a deep dive into my own mind while writing, to see why exactly these things have been so instrumental in my wellbeing over the past couple of years. 

So, first up…. The mobile phone. 

It is a funny. In the early years of mobile phones they were game changers, being able to text instead of speaking, never missing a call. Being able to stay in touch wherever you were. It was great. But then slowly but surely it became intrusive, distracting, time consuming and an obsession. With the growth of social media, the obsession has rapidly grown out of control. Checking the phone all the time for notifications, impatiently waiting for replies to email and messages, and praying for the next pic on The Gram, to be your most popular, and liked picture ever. 

Hoping for exposure, wanting publicity, but dreading negativity, its the circle many go around in. 

Years ago I used Blackberry, each device had a little multicoloured notification LED on it, and with a clever app, you could get it to flash a different colour for different notifications. There was no need to constantly wake the phone up, if the light wasn’t flashing the colour of the notification you were waiting on, it wasn’t there, simple. But complexity replaces conventional simplicity, and now its a pop up bubble that appears as the screen wakes up. Showing ALL your notifications, and tempting you back in. 

For me, my relationship with my phone(s) is a complex one, but one I am slowly getting to grips with. At the start of 2020, when Covid was becoming a thing, and seeing less people was starting to be the norm, my brain slipped into a happy place, and craved even less distractions. One evening I put my phone on silent for the night, and it has pretty much stayed on silent for over 2 years no. No tones, no vibrate, nothing. On the odd occasion when I am waiting on an important call I will put notifications back on for a while. But immediately on doing so, I realise how irritating and time consuming it all becomes. LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME… is all it screams when it’s not on silent. I must confess, I have notifications on my watch, so when they arrive silently on my phone, I get a quick glimpse on my watch still. All the same my interactions with the phone, and desire to check it all the time has fallen dramatically since going silent.

For me however there is a very different side to a mobile phone, and that was one I only truly appreciated my “need” for during a walk and talk with a friend recently, photography. I was just in the midst of an upgrade, and quite an expensive one at that, and we were talking about our very different requirements from a mobile phone. While he uses his mainly to communicate, while taking occasional photos here and there, I use mine to take a lot of photos with, and at times it is the primary role of the phone. So for me a good camera is one of the most important things when choosing a phone, and is why I usually end up with flagship phones, and expensive contracts.

As we talked about our uses, and I started to realise the importance of taking photos to me, it all started to make sense. Sometimes I am so closed off to my surroundings I take pictures to look at them later and appreciate the landscape or location, without the noise and distraction of the people around me. Other times it is a great way to shut everything else out, and focus on one thing for a moment. Over all, taking pictures to me is an important part of my every day life, be it at an event I want to remember, or simply on a morning bike ride, taking in some sights, and somehow making a photo trail of what I did that day. Looking back sometimes is a nice escape, and way to decompress when I am having a bad day. 

Of course I could just carry a camera, and cut out the distraction of a phone all together, and maybe get even better photos, but that just isn’t for me. I recently got an iPhone, and thought I could take that on rides, runs and walks with me instead of my larger Samsung S22 Ultra, but it has flaws that just make it impractical. For me, pictures are taken on the fly, a moment, one I want to capture. Rarely do I take planned, carefully curated photos. So the most important thing for me is the speed I can open the camera app and take a picture. When riding a bike on a road or trail, that can be easier said than done. Thankfully the Samsung has a quick camera launch from a double press of the power button, then a quick press of the volume rocker (below the power button) and the shot is taken. Video or photo bursts are equally easy to do. On the iPhone this is not so easy, and on a simple point and shoot camera, even less so. So the Samsung works perfectly for me. 

Being able to edit on the phone, straighten the frame, delete any obstructions from the shot, and then post to my Instagram or Facebook is the icing on the cake. One device does it all.  Now going back to the desire to please others with photos etc, this was once the case for me. Trying to get imaginative shots for others to enjoy and comment on. However recently I stopped using Facebook for a few weeks, then came back to it in a lite version. I add photos and videos of my trips out, but don’t really look at the comments. Putting them there simply creates a timeline for me, and I can look back at my own leisure and see what I have been up to. At low times, look at the better times, and motivate myself to seek better times again. As each trip out is completed, so it populates the timeline a little more. 

The same is the case for my Instagram, especially my Snazy365 account, which is one photo to represent that day in my life. It is amazing how memories can flood back when looking at a single well chosen image of a day. 

So in summary, for me mobile phones are both my saviour, and my worst enemy. Helping me escape from the noise of life when it matters most, but at times being the cause of the noise in the first place. One thing I do know for sure is one noise I can control and will continue to, is the notifications on my phone. At least I can control its level of demand for my attention. 

Quick side note, the Netflix documentary “The Social Dilemma” is an amazing insight into how responsible the toxic development of social media is responsible for the obsession we sometimes feel.  Faux notifications, fauxtifications maybe? Facebook sending you a notification that 2 of your friends liked something, and that you might like to look at it too. A way to draw you back in to the environment. I mean, I get it, Facebook is largely free to users, so they have to have a revenue stream, and need to expose you to adverts etc. However, when I recently logged out of Facebook on my Samsung, I would still occasionally receive notifications about things others liked, trying to get me to log back in again, and resume the cycle.

I am not anti social media, it has been amazing for me at times, but we all need to know our limits, and when to turn off or move away for a while. Being bombarded with not only adverts, but negative content, a barrage of opinions from people we follow (and some that we don’t thanks to suggested content). Once the brain gets thinking in certain cycles, it becomes trapped, and escaping back to what is actually important in life can become difficult. Now days I generally log in, upload, and log out. From time to time a min or two of scrolling, but then am mindful not to dive down rabbit holes of stories.

Right, that will do, I think that covers my love hate with mobile phones, hopefully highlighting they are one of the few things I NEED in my life as a coping mechanism in stressful times, but can also be harmful if too much time is spent on other aspects of the phone.

Does a phone control your life, do you even turn it to silent for long periods of time, or are you happy to be without one with no issue?
Thanks for reading part 1 of my little “Things that keep me sane” series. 

Ironically now, I am off to share this blog on social media! 🙂

Too worked up.

March 30, 2022 waffledog Uncategorized 0 Comments

Right now my head is about to explode, and I have no idea why. Around 9pm I felt tired and thought, “I know, I will be sensible and have an early night”. And that’s about where it started to go wrong. 

Breaking the habit of leaving it til I am ready to crash, I decided it would be better to go to bed relaxed rather than exhausted. Apparently that is NOT what my brain wanted. After almost 2 hours of trying to get to sleep, I have taken the advice of the experts and decided not to try and force it, and instead be active for a bit and wait to feel tired again. 

Speaking of being active, that is probably part of the problem, having NOT been my usual active self this week, I am left with an excess of energy daily. Driving me mad right now, but until I can shake these throat sores, I am trying to save energy and give myself a chance to heal. 

Again that leads on to the next reason I am struggling to sleep recently, and that is my throat. With an infection going on, swallowing is proving pretty hard and painful, so I am a bit dehydrated. Add to that the fact that each time I fall asleep my throat dries out and I wake in severe discomfort, and it all starts to become self explanatory. 

So as I lay there trying to sleep, every thought in the world races through my mind, some I can shake off, others dwell. Eating away at me, spiralling down down down into the depths of my mind. Will I be able to run the LLHM on Sunday? What if my fitness starts to suffer ruining my plans for the summer. Are things going to be worse before they get better. How much more discomfort can I take before I scream and go mad…. Is that a tooth ache I can feel coming on? 

So for the sake of trying to go to bed an hour or so early tonight, I am left sitting here gone 11pm, watching Dr Who, hoping the thoughts subside, the tiredness returns and I can get to sleep at some point, even if it is in the wee small hours. 

Sometimes you are your own worst enemy… This is one of those times. The only blessing is that this is discomfort driven, and not the downward spirals I am more familiar with, where these spells would become more and more frequent. 

Decision made.

March 26, 2022 waffledog Uncategorized 0 Comments

A month or so ago I wrote a blog saying how I was struggling to get to grips with making a decision regarding my sessions with the RCGP. The plan was to have a week away in Svalbard, then come home with a clearer head. 

Unfortunately, even the best laid plans don’t always go the way you expect, and this was no exception. Lots happened in a short space of time throwing my whole brain into a huge wobble. Withdrawing from social media, getting some space for myself, and taking a time out was needed. 

As things start to level out, I have returned to the topic of the sessions, and for a few weeks now have wound myself up trying to decide. Should I just carry on with the RCGP, and not do the KCL. Should I give KCL a go, and see how I feel after a few sessions?

Well, the next RCGP session is next month (April) so I thought I only fair to put some proper thought into it. Having done these sessions for about 5 years now, it has given me a lot to think about. In total during the sessions I have probably had more consultations and diagnose given on my mental health than most others, and with that comes a little clarity. 

Playing the sessions over and over in your mind, things start to make sense. 

So yesterday afternoon, I took 10 mins out to pen a couple of emails, one to KCL thanking them for the opportunity, but declining it. And one to RCGP, looking back over the years, explaining what it all meant to me, and saying I just can’t keep putting myself through the scenarios. The more I have thought about it all, the more I realised how draining and detrimental to my wellbeing it all was. 

The helping and engaging part is fine. But the repetition of role play in a consultation, and subsequent discussions just chips away at me too much. To some that might sound silly, it’s only pretend. But it’s pretending to feel a way you have spent months at a time trying to escape feeling at all. Let alone pretending 8-10 times in a day. 

I would dearly love to carry on being able to do something for the RCGP, it genuinely felt heartbreaking to write the emails and know that that was that, and there will be no more. But it’s for the best. 

 

Sometimes it takes a long time, a lot of space and a serious reduction in pace of life to be able to fully take stock of what’s going on around you. I am happy with myself for finally giving myself that time. It has given me a much better appreciate of what I have, and what matters to me the most. The topic for another blog soon. 

 

So anyway, that’s that. I will no longer be doing sessions for the Royal College of General Practitioners ?

A clear head, a fresh start

March 4, 2022 waffledog Uncategorized 0 Comments

Before anyone points out the obvious, yes, I know I have been here before, but it’s been a long time, and sometimes we let things slip over time. 

Last week, my brain caught fire, I lost myself in the world of social media, and my thoughts were drowned out by the voices of other. Time to hit the kill switch for a bit, and get back to my senses. Deactivating my Facebook was refreshing and gave me a little space to think things through, and find my footing again. I was simply spending too much time on social media, and not spending enough time with myself.

Obviously I have had a week to myself to re-evaluate things, and here I am sharing this blog entry on the very same platforms I hid from, but hopefully with a little bit of a change. Having swapped phones today, my plan is NOT to have Facebook on my main daily phone, but instead just on the iPhone. Given how little I use it, it should control things a little better than before. So if anyone posts something and thinks I am ignoring them, I am not (well I kinda am), I will get around to seeing it in the end, but only once I pick up the other phone. 

Not quite sure why this is even a blog entry to be honest, I guess if anything it is to remind me what the masterplan is, and what I am trying to achieve here. 

So, back on Facebook, but only as a part timer lol. As for Twitter, I am keeping that at arms length, but still using it for information, traffic etc. 

Most posts will probably be on Instagram, and auto shared to Facebook via account linking. 

 

Right, enough rambling, and explaining… Have a good weekend all. 

Can’t do this right now!

February 23, 2022 waffledog Uncategorized 0 Comments

It is amazing how fragile the status quo of the mind can be. One minute you are whistling along, all is fine and dandy, and the next… Well, in a flash you are where I am right now.  Overwhelmed, irritated, stressed, over-thinking etc. You name it, that is what’s going on in my head right now. 

I have no idea what is going on, just know that since this morning I have felt incredibly low and stressed, and as the day has drawn on it has just spiraled. To the point, the smallest of things are weighing heavy on me. I am obsessing over trivial things, and having doom filled conversations with myself.

Fresh back from a week away in Svalbard, it is only natural to hit the ground with a bump. That said, Monday and Tuesday felt OK with being back at work. The break was nice, but getting home and back to normality has always been a nice thing too. 

As the years have gone by I have gotten better and better at picking up on the little signs that things are starting to wobble a bit, and right now I think that is where I am at. It’s not rock bottom, in fact it is far from it, in general things are good. It is just the amount of anxiety I am feeling over nothings. Out running earlier, and walking just now, the people around me felt like they were getting close for no reason other than to wind me up. The familiar “what are people thinking about me” is back too, although not too badly at the moment.

So many external things out of my control, so many little things that are getting to me for no good reason, and of course my old favourite, the self loathing, and doubting.  All signs that things are not right, and time is of the essence. So it is time to jump off social media for a bit. At least the parts which I engage with others, at least for now. Maybe hang on to Insta to share a few bits for a while. But for now, this is me time. 

Not a cry for help, not a pity me, just a me me me. If I need to talk to anyone, rest assured I will as ever reach out to those I know and trust. In the meantime, enjoy the peace and quiet from me. 

 

The question I just can’t shake!

February 2, 2022 waffledog Uncategorized 2 Comments

Since around Xmas time, the same question has been on my mind, and as the weeks go by it is frustrating me more and more. 

Without beating around the bush, it’s a simple one. Do I continue to do the RCGP sessions? If you don’t know, I work with the Royal College of General Practitioners (RCGP) a few times a year, doing sessions with med students who are learning to work in the GP environment. Doing staged consultations, as an expert patient, presenting with symptoms I am familiar with, i.e Depression and Anxiety. I have done this for a few years now, and while I find it pretty bloody stressful, I also take some comfort from the fact that I am helping others to understand the conditions, and maybe help them be in a better position in the future to help future patients. 

I have said time and again, I find the sessions exhausting, more mentally than physically, and sometimes it can trigger a bit of a wobble for me. However, I really love the engagement with the students, being able to talk about bouts of depression, and dealing with day to day life with severe bouts of anxiety. So you can see where I am going with this. There are genuine pros and cons. 

Each session I do requires me to take a day off work, for the physical sessions which are now returning, I also need to travel to Central London for the day, and pay for transport or parking. In return I get to stretch myself outside comfort zone a little, engage with the next generation of GP’s (some of them anyway), and explain from a first person POV what it is like trying to live when things are bad. I don’t for one second think this is an unfair balance. I also get an Amazon voucher for my time, so I am very grateful for that.

A couple of months back, I was approached by one of the teams at Kings College London (KCL) about the possibility of doing some sessions for them too. At the time I was in one of my more positive frames of mind, and really keen to get back to doing what I could for the cause, and was happy to talk to more people about living with depression and anxiety. I have to say the first couple of experiences were a little daunting. New people, new procedures, and the likelihood of becoming a lead in a session of my own at some point. For someone with anxiety, that’s a big change and ask. But looking back, I went through the same when I started working with the RCGP too. 

Over Xmas and the New Year, I had a bit of a wobble, and my head went a bit funny, and I started doubting myself. Not only taking on work with KCL, but also questioning my continued work with the RCGP too. A technical error on the last KCL session left me unable to participate, and in that moment I panicked a little about what the hell I was doing. I was out of my depth, completely out of my comfort zone, and floundering. I made my apologies and bowed out quickly, then spent the next few weeks contemplating. So, here I am!

To compound things more, I contracted Covid a couple of weeks back, which coincided with the first RCGP session of 2022, so I missed that too. The longer I have been away, the more I have doubted myself. I have always said as soon as you start to have doubts and questions about something, it is time to get out. But it just doesn’t sit right with me. 

I am not irreplaceable, I am sure there are plenty more people who could and would do the sessions in my place. I don’t think it is about ego and having some sort of bragging rights either. To me, when feeling positive about things, I love the idea that I am able to help people understand what others are going through. Be it blogging to let others struggling know they are not alone, or explaining to someone, whilst in a rational state of mind, what it is like to be in that situation, and how doctors and the medical world can best help those struggling.  

It is ironic that something that I do to help with mental health has caused me sleepless nights, hours and hours of painful contemplation, and yet still it isn’t a simple “I’m done” in my head. I need to be sure of what I do next.

  • Pros     Rewarding, enlightening, educational for others
  • Cons   Tiring, uses annual leave, travel stress

I know I have made an impression on some of the students in the time I have been doing this. I know deep down inside I want to continue to help anyone in any way I can. Teaching, counselling, sharing. But I would be lying if I said it doesn’t come at a cost. So I am stuck!

I am away in Svalbard for a week mid Feb, so think I will take that time in the arctic to weigh it all up, without any other pressures, and go from there. But am always interested to know what others would do in a similar situation. I’m not a martyr, not a hero or a saint, but I know I make a tiny bit of a difference, and like a dirt devil in the desert, I know from small things, big changes can come. 

So…. WHAT DO I DO ???