Category: Uncategorized

Thats all I have to say about how I feel right now, about a multitude of things.
Health, feeling crap, sore throat, no voice, sniffles, cough and still no proper answer from my doctor's about my stomach pain. The receptionist tried to read the results from the scan today but said it was better a GP spoke to me about it as there were words she didnt understand on there. So a call back request has been placed. This will take place in 1-3 days time! Til then, its stomach discomfort as usual for me.

Then there is the Occupy London rubbish. Dedicated to their cause, willing to illegally occupy areas of London they are not permitted or wanted on. Happy to close St Paul's Cathedral for however long it takes... Oh but wait a minute....

"A police helicopter's thermal imaging camera showed the tent encampment was almost entirely empty overnight.
This has led to accusations that the 300-strong group of protesters are part-timers, going home to warm beds in the evenings to sleep.
The protesters are aware of the vacancies and allocate empty tents to newcomers.
Corporation of London councillor Matthew Richardson said: "It is incredible. The overnight monitoring of the site by the police showed that 90% of the tents are unoccupied.
"It just shows most of the demonstrators don't have the courage of their convictions and are just here to make trouble."

Source http://news.sky.com/home/uk-news/article/16095687

So in reality, as quoted above, they are exactly what I said a week ago, pathetic !

Right now I am just on a proper low, feeling like crap, worrying about the wrong things, and just sick and tired of feeling like this. Not depressed or anything, but just no motivation to be doing anything positive. I just want my health back once and for all, and no more of these outbreaks of ulcers, sore throats, etc.

Moan over for now. Was going to write more, but in the general mood of things, I cant be bothered.

Very strange, but as I took a nap this morning after waking for the first time I fell into a deep sleep and subsequently had a dream, and a weird one at that.
I was at a strange house, mum was there on a day bed in a small lounge with someone else milling around in the house.
I was sitting next to mum on the bed, and had my laptop open for some reason while we spoke. Guess I might have been showing her something. She became irate and asked the other person to get me to leave. I spoke directly back to mum asking why she was being aggressive and angry with me.
It was like one of the times when she would get upset and just start shouting telling everyone to leave her alone. When it happened in reality I used to take it in my stride, but for some reason in my dream I was taking it very much to heart, and getting upset with her. As she got angry, I threw my laptop on the floor... She shouted again and with that I stood up and screamed.... That is when I woke.

My guess at making sense of this, is that over the time of caring for her, and putting up with mood swings, outbursts, and other equally upsetting situations, I just bottled it up. And finally as it all leaves my system, and things return to normal I am just letting it all out. Finally displaying how I felt during these exchanges, and trying to deal with the things that cut a lot deeper than I first thought they had.

For the next few hours after waking up I was a little down and quiet about things, but as the day has progressed I have cheered up somewhat. I have a few debts etc that I need to take care of at the moment, but nothing along the stress levels of before, so I don't think they are contributing towards the situation. Just have to see how the next few nights go.

Its the first time I have had such an episode, so here's to hoping I have no more of them.

A word I discovered at the very childish Avenue Q show, but a favourite of mine forever now.

With the conclusion of my disciplinary hearing for conduct due early this afternoon, the morning for me is just dragging on. That plus still feeling ill after a week. I have a UTI or kidney infection, so am currently knocked for six. Sleep is my friend, yawning my enemy.

So in the next few hours the last truly stressful thing left in my life will reveal itself, and I will see what the future holds there after... I will edit and update this entry as soon as I know.

But for now, I'm back in bed......

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OK so I never got around to finishing this entry, so will cover everything in my next entry, coming very soon.

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Not quite sure why, yesterday I went to St Christopher's to see the counsellor for the last time. If I want to speak to anyone after this I will have to speak to Bereavement Counselling, which I don't really think is much use to me. Instead when money balances out a little I will treat myself to return to private counselling. Just to keep the flow of things coming out of my brain, and make sure it has somewhere to go.

Since that meeting, with all the crap going on at work has added to the load too, along with some meds I'm on making me very tired, and suddenly I'm feeling just a little bit crappy about things. Mind over running at night making the sleep situation even more.

But the worst thing for me at the moment is a stomach pain/ache I get when I draw a long breath, like a yawn. It has become so bad over the past 48 hours that my body now reacts as soon as I start a yawn, making it shallow or stopping it totally. OK its not agony, but discomfort. Like you have eaten too much, a constant bloated feeling. There are a couple of tender spots there too. So if it is still there at the end of the week I will go and see my GP.

Last thing I need right now is more worry or stress but hey, what can you do eh.

Right, time to get on with the reality and day to day runnings of my life, and stop being distracted all the time.

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Its a great starting to a sentence isn't it? But then those with foresight rarely use it. Knowing right from wrong, having morals, and knowing where the line that should never be crossed is all help in avoiding the retrospective conversations.

However, for once im going to use it, and hopefully demonstrate some maturity in the process. Comments I have made in the past 24 hours, in retrospect, do not give a true reflection of my attitude or intentions. OK so it is becoming more and more apparent that someone has gone to a lot of trouble to ensure I receive a lot of attention, and pushing me to the brink of losing my job, let alone my mind at times. Pressure applied to managers, open discussions in the office discussing his unhappiness at the situation with me, but never once coming to me directly and saying "I think you are out of order/taking the piss"
If the lack of doing that was due to the understanding of the issues I faced, then why go behind my back and cause so much trouble.
With all that was going on in life for me, tough decisions being made, and mum slipping away, the last thing I needed was a notification of disciplinary from work.... But I got one anyway.

However, looking at the situation as a whole, I will offer an olive branch, take pity on the person who threw this all upon me, and be man enough to take it all with a pinch of salt. its only human nature to get upset, and sometimes be irrational. So the damage is done, to my record, but more importantly to the reputation and respect of the other party invovled. The other party who everyone knows who he is, who will be treated differently by others, and trusted by few. It is true to say that those who live in greenhouses should not throw stones.

In short, I cant be bothering with remonstrating about this sort of thing. My mother died last month, and my daughter is hopefully going to be back in my life soon, so why do I care about any of this rubbish! A path will be followed, an outcome will be made, and people will be judged... Rightly or wrongly so, the truth is out there for others to form their own opinions. And while most accept a degree of bitching.... no one likes a grass!

An open letter to all at St Christophers Hospice in Sydenham.

For as far back as I can remember, way back into the early years of my childhood, the name St Christophers has been regular to conversations and teachings from my mother. Constantly singing praises of the work done there, and pointing out when we passed on the bus that although hospital signs were near by, this was no ordinary hospital, but rather an extraordinary place.

As the years went on, and I started driving I began to understand what actually happened within the walls of St Christophers, and heard more and more about how amazing the people who worked in there more. Seeing the name appear in more and more places, charity drives, local newspaper articles etc. Then when I met Donna when I was about 24-25, and heard her mum worked there (Barbara Sage) I looked into it a little more and was blown away at what they did there. Once again though, I was still too far back from there to realise just HOW amazing it was.

Then back in 2008 mum was diagnosed with cancer and my life changed forever. For 2 and a half years I worked hard making sure mum had everything she needed, and tried everything I could to keep her smiling, not believing that there was anyone out there capable of helping her the way I could. How wrong would I turn out to be! By the end of 2010 mum had reached the stage where her condition was taking a turn for the worse. Being diagnosed with brain cancer she went onto steroids. At the same time St Christophers became involved, making home visits and arranging counselling for the family. Building trust with the home care team she started to feel more confident in the idea of help, and as time went on her first admission for respite occurred. Finally I was walking into the working end of the real St Christophers. Having previously seen the Anniversary suite, and being impressed by its facilities etc, I was blown away when we went to the first ward. Wow!
It was like a hospital tucked away down a side road. But there was more to come.

Even on the first night came, mum was feeling comfortable and safe for the first time in a long time. As the days went on, it was apparent that the level of care and compassion she would receive would be nothing less than that from an extended close and loving family. Bonds built overnight. Banter flowed, while the personal knowledge of each patient that each tier of staff had was mindblowing.

In total mum had 3 stays in St Christophers. Towards the end it became a place off comfort and solace for her. While she always said being at home was her wish, her stress levels would disappear each time an ambulance came for her to take her back to the hospice. Health would generally improve or at least stabilise.

Getting to know the staff pretty well, it was always an emotional goodbye when we left, for mum and me I have to say. Dreading how I would cope without these amazing people behind me, but always knowing help was never too far away.
Mums last stay was a little emotional for her, as the allowance for respite breaks was coming to an end, and there was little that could be done for mum as she was neither improving, nor end of life. So when the social team arranged a meeting with me, my sister and mum to talk about the next step, homes, mum was somewhat angry about it all, or should I say a little afraid of what to expect.
A home was found, and mums last stay at St Christophers came to an end. With a loving goodbye we moved onto Westwood House.

Sadly mum passed almost 2 weeks later, but in privacy, with dignity, and in no pain, so it was what she always wanted.

It is a month to the day that mum died, and the dust has settled now, so I thought I would make this entry to just simply say.

St Christophers and all your staff, not forgetting your volunteers, contributors, sponsors and anyone else I have missed out... You are all amazing selfless people who made the 9 months of mums life happy, enjoyable and incredible. So from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU all. I will forever be in your debt, and will always give back in anyway I can. I can honestly pass my mothers thanks and love to each and every one of you, and indeed my love too, for making those dark days a little brighter.

Thank you all, and much love.
X

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Cleansing rain, washing away all the troubles and trials of the past week, metaphoric and real life. Its the second day for me returning to a 'normal' life. Back to work, back to a routine that revolves around me. More importantly back earning money to pay off the bills and debts of recent months.

After weeks of waiting I finally received my first ESA payment from the DWP. Employment Support Allowance on the same day I return to work and no longer qualify for it. The trials and tribulations of trying to claim from a system I have paid into faithfully for over 20 years now. But that's another matter. Something I will come back to.

In the meantime, this is me and work we are talking about here, so let's continue. After months of hoping and promising them to go back to work, I have finally done it. Straight in at the deep end, full hours, full days. Although returning to work on the Weds before a bank holiday secures an easy return. 3 days this week, 4 days next week, then full 5 from week 3. Not planned, but has worked out well. Yesterday went well, not too much stress for the first day back, which was good as I still needed a refresher on how to do what, and refreshing all my passwords, clearing email etc.

It feels good to know what I am doing at a given time of day, and for what duration. In a cruel way its nice not to wake in a mad rush to get to the hospice or home each morning, then seeing what I have time left to do with the remainder of the morning or day. I have turned a leaf in my life. Completing a chapter which has been a challenge, and now returning to the path ahead of me. Ok no one likes to work, but in fairness Fedex have been good to me most of the time, and I am grateful to have a job to return to at this testing time.

I am still loaded with ambition and desire though, and still have drive to learn further skills so I have options. Part 3 here I come!

Day to day life feels so very different these days. Sitting around watching the news while I eat breakfast in my lounge, how novel. Probably the first time in my life that I have done this, other than while on holiday. Laying out on the sofa to write this part of the entry feels great. As I wait for the clock to signal the start of Day 3 at work for me, I have nothing stressing me really. Bills that were worrying me were addressed yesterday, and I work in the knowledge that I will at least have some income on payday.

Next up, get fit again. That should be fun lol.

Have a good day.

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Am I still a complete mentalist, am I still in the wrong place to work, or will this be the day the doctor finally agrees that I can return to work, and fully at that?

And also my financial reckoning too, what will become of my money situation. Will I be given help after over 20 years of working, or left to suffer because I'm not enough of a f**k up!

Well its early evening now, quite a while since I wrote the start of this entry, and it has indeed been quite a day. First off I went to the GP at 8am to make a same day appointment. I was given 9.50 as my time. Came home and fed the dogs and did a bit of tidying to pass the time, then back to the GP. We had a good long chat about how the funeral had gone, how I was feeling etc, and after some contemplation he agreed I could return to work on my full hours. If nothing else, to help me restructure my life.
His only condition was that I go back to work tomorrow, so I start the day knowing I have work, rather than just falling into work on unsteady feet.

When I came home from the GP there was a letter from the DWP (dept of work and pensions). I knew it would say one of three things... Yes, No, or we need more info. I must have sat staring at the letter for 10 mins before opening it. Eventually curiosity overcame the fear and I ripped it open. It started "Dear Mr Snasdell, I am pleased....." That's all I needed to read. Thank heavens for that.

Agreeing to pay many weeks of backdated benefits, I can finally start to claw my way out of this financial hell hole I am in. Missed payments, misunderstandings, and mis-management of some of my affairs have left me in a right mess, but now there is even something coming in, there is relief too. Now I can call creditors etc and have something to say, rather than "I can't pay", which to me is something big, I hate empty, pointless words.

So now today I have made a couple of phonecalls to some of these people, and they have been wonderful. Blackhorse were amazingly helpful, and made me feel so much better about it. Not sure I will be able to say the same about others yet lol.

For now, I am taking a break after walking one of the dogs, and getting my thoughts together on what to do next.

Today is a weird day for me. Believe it of not its the first whole day I have spent on my own since mum passed. Up until now I have been surrounded by friends, children, and family. But today I'm not. That's not a bad thing, in fact its a step in the right direction, however its been weird. More time to think about things, miss mum, and find my feet.
The first time I actually missed mum was a couple of days ago, something happened that I would always have talked to mum about, to blow off steam and calm down, but she isn't there now. So finding new ways to cope with such matters is a learning curve.
That's not to say I don't miss mum in other ways, but its the first "oh crap, she's not here" moment I have had. Don't realise how important some things are and what you rely on, until they go eh!

But in general I think everyone is coping well. I think I need a good long chat about things soon, to friends or to the blog at least, so look out for an epic entry.

So there you go, an interesting day for me, changing the way things are looking for sure. And while there is change in my life, Libya is about to fall to the rebels. We are all fighters really, just all for different causes.

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Seems like my ride on the emotional rollercoaster isn't over just yet like I thought it would be. Raging tempers, irrational behaviour and feeling like I'm some sort of idiot with no decency or common sense is what I feel right now.
Losing my temper over the smallest things, and not being able to get over it for increasing periods of time.

I don't know what has brought this on. Talking about mum to many people who I can open up to, I am fine about it, there are really no underlying regrets, upsets or angers about the whole thing. Maybe this is just part of me taking control over my life again, and being over protective about it. Maybe its confusion in my mind about where I am in life and what I want right now. Either way, its seriously pissing me off right now, and I'm getting angry about being angry! How the hell does that work?

A quiet stream, a rock to sit on, and some pebbles to throw into the water to make ripples is where I need to be right now. I would be there to if I had the money, up in Wales around Snowdonia would be idyllic. Then I could scream as loud as I want, and worry no-one.

I wonder if I stress people as much as they stress me at times. Probably more me stressing others if the truth be known.

I'm currently sitting in the car, in the roasting sunshine, in an ADSA carpark (right over in the corner), just to get some fresh air (albeit hot) and just to be in a safe place so I don't rip anyones throat out for speaking to me, or making me stressed. I really wish I knew where all this was coming from, but I have no idea. And before you wonder or worry, yes my medication is all up to date.

Each time I rise from a low, something like this brings me down. Seemingly forgetting certain details of what's happened. Which worrys me, am I blacking out, am I saying things I don't know I'm saying, or have I actually really got some form of underlying mental issue that I need help for? Quite a scary realisation.

People have made huge sacrifices to accommodate me over the past 6-8 months, and all I find myself doing is crapping on them in return. Its a horrible feeling to see and feel control of things slipping away from you, and quite frankly, I am actually considering an evaluation soon.

Thanks for reading, don't think I'm a freak just yet please.

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